REPERTORY PLAYS, No. 44

THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND

Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A.

The performing rights of this play are fully protected.

All applications for permission to perform “The Grand Cham’s Diamond” in the British Empire (except Canada) must be addressed to Mr Allan Monkhouse, Meadow Bank, Disley, Cheshire. For permission to perform in America and Canada, to The Baker International Play Bureau, 41 Winter Street, Boston, Mass.

The fee for each and every representation of the play by amateurs in the British Empire (except Canada) is one guinea; in America and Canada, five dollars. These sums are payable in advance, and no performance may take place unless a written permission has first been obtained.

The terms for performance by professionals can be ascertained on application.

THE GRAND CHAM’S
DIAMOND

A PLAY IN ONE ACT

BY

ALLAN MONKHOUSE

GOWANS & GRAY, LTD., LONDON AND GLASGOW
THE BAKER INTERNATIONAL PLAY BUREAU
BOSTON, U.S.A. 1924

Printed in Great Britain
by Turnbull & Spears, Edinburgh

CHARACTERS

MRS PERKINS

MR PERKINS

MISS PERKINS

A MAN IN BLACK

ALBERT WATKINS

This play was first produced at the Birmingham Repertory Theatre on September 21, 1918, by Mr John Drinkwater, with the following cast:

THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND

SCENE: A sitting-room in a small house in a London suburb. The window is in the wall to the left of the spectator and the door in the right half of the back wall. The furniture is ordinary. On the chimneypiece, to the right of the spectator, is a clock. The room is lit by electric light. It is some time after the evening meal. Mr Perkins is reading a newspaper. Mrs Perkins is darning a sock, and Miss Perkins is engaged upon a jigsaw puzzle.

MRS PERKINS

What I mean t’ say is that it’s not much fun for us.

MR PERKINS

All right, Ma.

MISS PERKINS

(Engaged on her puzzle.) Bother!

MRS PERKINS

It makes a long evenin’ of it. Same every night. We ’ave our tea and then we just set down till it’s time to go to bed. It’s not fair.

MR PERKINS

Same for all of us.

MRS PERKINS

That it’s not.

MR PERKINS

Why isn’t it?

MRS PERKINS

Do y’ or do y’ not go out o’ this ’ouse every mornin’ and spend the day out?

MR PERKINS

It’d be a poor job for you if I didn’t.

MRS PERKINS

I don’t say anythin’ about that. I don’t interfere.

MR PERKINS

’Ow could y’ interfere?

MISS PERKINS

Bother!

MRS PERKINS

Don’t interrup’ like that when me and your pa’s talkin’, Polly.

MISS PERKINS

My name isn’t Polly.

MR PERKINS

What is it?

MISS PERKINS

It’s Marie.

MR PERKINS

Well, I’m blowed!

MRS PERKINS

An’ why shouldn’t she ’ave a bit of a change? She’s tired of bein’ Polly.

MISS PERKINS

I do think we might have a little more change.

MR PERKINS

Don’t you start.

MISS PERKINS

We might have gone out to the pictures to-night, as Mother said.

MR PERKINS

Your young man might ’ave come and found you out.

MISS PERKINS

You know he’s engaged in the evenings.

MR PERKINS

Yes, and what at?

MISS PERKINS

Never mind!

MRS PERKINS

I do think, Polly, that he ought to be a bit more open with you. What does he do?

MR PERKINS

Ay; what does Albert Watkins do?

MISS PERKINS

Never you mind!

MRS PERKINS

’E’s never told ’er.

MR PERKINS

I ’ope it’s nothin’ to be ashamed of.

MISS PERKINS

P’raps I know more than you think.

MRS PERKINS

’As ’e said?

MISS PERKINS

It’s confidential.

MR PERKINS

Oh! I know that tale.

MRS PERKINS

Well, Polly’s got ’er young man and you’ve got your business an’ out all day seein’ people. What ’ave I got?

MR PERKINS

Well, what should y’ ’ave? What does any woman ’ave? I dunno what you’re botherin’ about. Y’ ’ad a week at Margate this year.

MRS PERKINS

(Derisively.) ’Ome from ’ome!

MR PERKINS

A good woman ought to like ’er ’ome.

MRS PERKINS

I never said I didn’t like it.

MR PERKINS

Well——

MRS PERKINS

’Ome’s a place to come back to.

MISS PERKINS

Mother’s romantic. That’s what she is.

MRS PERKINS

What is that, Polly? It’s a word I never rightly——

MR PERKINS

Romantic! At ’er age!

MRS PERKINS

You know what it is, do y’?

MR PERKINS

It’s penny dreadfuls and the pictures and gassin’ about love and the deep blue sea.

MRS PERKINS

Well, y’ might do worse.

MR PERKINS

Whatever’s come over ’er?

MRS PERKINS

I’ve always thought I should like to travel.

MISS PERKINS

(At her puzzle.) I think there’s a bit missing.

MRS PERKINS

Eh? A bit missin’? That’s the way with me; there’s always bin a bit missin’.

MR PERKINS

I dunno why y’re startin’ like this now. Y’ve ’ad all these years to settle down in. What’s come over yer?

MRS PERKINS

Eh! Don’t ask me. I think ’er Albert’s comin’ about ’as unsettled me.

MISS PERKINS

Albert!

MRS PERKINS

Well, I see ’im an’ you and I think what might ’a’ been.

MR PERKINS

What’s that?

MRS PERKINS

Well, I was young onct.

MR PERKINS

But y’re not now.

MRS PERKINS

You’ve no call to throw it in m’ teeth.

MR PERKINS

Teeth indeed!

MRS PERKINS

Don’t be insultin’, Mr Perkins.

MR PERKINS

I wasn’t bein’.

MRS PERKINS

Yes, y’ was.

MISS PERKINS

I don’t see why Albert should unsettle you.

MRS PERKINS

If I was you I’d want to know ’ow ’e spends ’is evenings.

MISS PERKINS

It’s no business of yours, Ma.

MR PERKINS

It’ll be some bus’ness of mine. I think it’s about time Albert spoke to me.

MISS PERKINS

Spoke to you?

MR PERKINS

Placed ’is position an’ prospects before me.

MISS PERKINS

Well, I believe he’s a confidential agent.

MRS PERKINS

A what!

MR PERKINS

What sort of a’ agent?

MISS PERKINS

It’s confidential—or financial p’raps.

MR PERKINS

He’s kiddin’ yer.

MRS PERKINS

Do they work at night?

MISS PERKINS

I’ve always understood that Rothschilds and people like that did this business at parties—on the quiet.

MR PERKINS

Bosh!

MISS PERKINS

Oh, very well, Pa.

[Miss Perkins settles to her puzzle. Mrs Perkins darns stolidly. Mr Perkins returns to the paper. A short pause.

MRS PERKINS

Well, it’s too late for the movies now.

MISS PERKINS

Ah! That’s it.

[She finds the missing bit.

MRS PERKINS

What’s in the paper, Pa?

MR PERKINS

There’s a Cabinet crisis.

MRS PERKINS

Isn’t there anythin’ interestin’?

MR PERKINS

’Ere’s a child stole a shillin’ an’ swallowed it t’ escape detection.

MRS PERKINS

Poor thing!

MR PERKINS

’Ere! Is this more in your line? Great Jewel Robbery! The Grand Cham’s Diamond missing.

MRS PERKINS

Eh! What’s that?

MISS PERKINS

Who is the Grand Cham?

MR PERKINS

’E’s—one o’ them Eastern potentates. ’E’s been stayin’ at the Majestic Hotel. The dimond was taken out of the settin’ and a walnut substituted.

MRS PERKINS

A walnut! It must be a whopper.

MISS PERKINS

Why did they substitute a walnut?

MR PERKINS

You must substitute somethin’.

MISS PERKINS

Why?

MR PERKINS

I don’t know. They always do. The brightest treasure of the East. Not the slightest trace. Supposed Asiatic gang. Sherlock Holmes and Father Brown have been summoned and a telegram despatched to Mossier Lecock.

MRS PERKINS

(With satisfaction.) Well, that’s somethin’ like.

MISS PERKINS

What’s it worth?

MR PERKINS

Eh! I dunno. Thousands, thousands. They say it makes the Koh-i-noor take a back seat.

MRS PERKINS

Reelly?

MR PERKINS

What ’ud you do, old lady, if I brought it ’ome for y’r birthday?

MRS PERKINS

Well, I’d wear it, I s’pose.

MISS PERKINS

You’d never dare, Ma.

MRS PERKINS

I would that.

MISS PERKINS

But thieves’d always be after it.

MRS PERKINS

What ’d these thieves do with it when they’ve got it?

MR PERKINS

I s’pose they chop it up and sell it in bits.

MRS PERKINS

What a shame!

MR PERKINS

I dessay they’re off to South America.

MRS PERKINS

Why?

MR PERKINS

No extrydition.

MRS PERKINS

What’s that? D’ y’ mean last ’dition extra?

MISS PERKINS

No, Ma. It means that thieves can’t be turned out.

MRS PERKINS

Why not?

MR PERKINS

It’s like it used to be with slaves here. Once the South American flag’s waved over ’em, they’re all right.

MISS PERKINS

It isn’t all one country there, Pa.

MR PERKINS

Well, I reckon they’re much of a muchness.

MRS PERKINS

An’ could you sell it there?

MR PERKINS

Yes, they’re great people for jewl’ry.

MRS PERKINS

Polly, you’re doin’ nothin’. Y’ might as well be mendin’ that blind.

MISS PERKINS

Oh, bother!

MRS PERKINS

It looks bad hangin’ down like that.

MISS PERKINS

(Going towards the window.) People’ll see in.

MRS PERKINS

There’s not many passin’ at this time o’ night.

MISS PERKINS

It makes it so public. (She takes the blind from the lower part of the window and begins to mend it.) Where’s the white thread, Ma?

MRS PERKINS

Here y’ are. Now, make a job of it.

[Mr Perkins has returned to his paper, his daughter is more or less intent on her work, Mrs Perkins darns and yawns. Mr Perkins snores gently.

MRS PERKINS

Might as well all be asleep.

MISS PERKINS

Listen, Ma!

MRS PERKINS

Somebody runnin’. Seem in an ’urry.

[Something crashes through the window and falls with broken glass upon the floor.

MISS PERKINS

Good gracious!

MRS PERKINS

Mercy on us!

MR PERKINS

(Waking up.) Fire! Where is it?