THE COLLECTED WORKS OF
AMBROSE BIERCE

VOLUME XII

The publishers certify that this edition of

THE COLLECTED WORKS OF
AMBROSE BIERCE

consists of two hundred and fifty numbered sets, autographed by the author, and that the number of this set is ......

THE COLLECTED
WORKS OF
AMBROSE BIERCE

VOLUME XII

IN MOTLEY

KINGS OF BEASTS
TWO ADMINISTRATIONS
MISCELLANEOUS

NEW YORK & WASHINGTON
THE NEALE PUBLISHING COMPANY
1912

FREDERICK POLLEY

Copyright, 1912, by
The Neale Publishing Company

CONTENTS

KINGS OF BEASTS

BY

Little Johnny

(Edited to a Low and Variable Degree
of Intelligibility by the Author’s
Uncle Edward.)

THE RAT

RATS is radiants and the little ones is a mouse, and thats the feller which pursues the women folks up into a high tree and blankets on her blood! But the old he rat eats bread and cheese like a thing of life.

One day my mother she baited a trap with Dutch cheese, for to catch a rat. My father he looked on a while, and then he said, my father did: “I guess there isnt any doubt about the rat finding that deadly invention if he follers his nose, and I foresee his finish, but what is the trap for?”

Rats is two kinds, the common and the mush. The common is the scourge of the world, but the mush he lives in the water and is highly respected. The fur of the mush is a article of commerce and keeps your hands warm when winter stalks abroad like a devouring kangaroon. If I was a mush I would keep my fur for my own self and say: “You fool humans can stay in the house and stand by the fire.” But Uncle Ned he says that would be bad for athletical sports, why not let them go out of doors, but keep their hands in one a others pockets as usual?

He says one time in Arizona there was a show, and the show man he stood in the door of his tent and hollored: “Walk up, walk up, ladies and gents, and see the fierce Canadian beaver, which is the 8th wonder of the world and the anchor of hope to them which is afflicted with the dumps. He roams the rivers of the frozen north, from Dan Couvers island to Sammy Quoddys bay in the state of Maine, and his voice is ever for war. When he throws his eye upon a tree the doom of that monarch of the forest primeval is sealed, its caroar at a end and its name a by word in the mouths of men, for he ganaws it down while you wait, and as it thunders to earth he raises the song of triump and lashes the air to foam! His house is fathoms five under the glad waters of the deep blue sea, and the steam boats pass above him as he pursues the evil tenor of his way, in maiden meditation, fancy free. At midnights holy hour he arises to the surface for to communicate with his kindreds in a far country, and the slap of his powerful tail is heard around the world. The dams which he builds with his teeths and feets turns aside the Father of Waters, and mighty cities are with the eternal past! Yet this wonder worker is endowered with a domestical mind and a sociable dispusition, and he is never so happy as when surounded by such friendly and congenual spirits as I see before me, generously eager for to cheer him in his campaign of education. Walk up, walk up, only fifty cents for to bring the balm of Gulliad to this lonely exiles heart.”

I asked Uncle Ned was it a mush rat, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “I dont know, Johnny, I dont know. I hadnt time to go in and cheer up the lonely exile, for having the misfortune to wear a stopipe hat and look like maybe I would steal horses, I feared that if I went in the show I might be too much absorbed in admiration to the beaver to mark the laps of time, and would be late at the boundry.”

Beavers is mammals, but the mush is amfabulous and lays eggs. And thats why I say every feller to his own taste and the tiger for us all.

The mush he lives in the river, and when he is attempted to be caught he swims across and whisks his tail, real contemptible, much as to say: “No you dont.”

But if you have a gun you do.

Injins eats the mush every little tiny bit up, fur and all, and, then the white man he says: “You uncivilize galoot, aint you a shamed of yourself for to be so filthy, why dont you eat oysters, like you was folks?”

But, if I was Injins I wouldnt care what I et, just so it was pizen. Franky, thats the baby, he eats everything which is in the world and is made sick. One time Mary, thats the house maid, she come to my mother ablubberin like she had been licked, and she said, Mary did: “O, if you please, mum, I gave Franky his fathers pocket knife for to play with, and Ime afraid he will make a improper use of it.”

Mother she said: “Go and take it away from him this minute!”

But Mary she only just cried harder and said: “He won’t give it up, for he has swollered it.”

Girls is fools, but Billy, thats my brother, he can stand on his head, and Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he can climb the mast and fling defiance into the teeths of the storm!

Jack says one time a other sailor hired out as mate of a ship which the captain of had a pet kangaroon. One day fore the ship sailed the mate was lyin in his bunk, and the kang it come in and looked around the room, but the mate he let on for to be asleep. So the kang it stole a shirt and stuffed it in the pouch on the stomach of its belly. Then it took a comb and a hair brush and put them in too. Bime by it see the mate’s new shoes, and his toothbrush and a railroad guide and took them all. Then the roon it hopped away.

The mate he got up and went to the captain and sed, the mate did: “If you are willing, sir, Ide like to be set ashore to once, cause we are doomed for to sink in the bowel of the sea.”

The captain said how did he know, and the mate said: “By a infaluble sign. I seen that big French rat of yourn a packin up for to forsake the ship.”

Rats is every where, but the kang is a native of Illinoy and leaps from crag to crag!

My sisters young man he says the women has rats in their hair, so you better keep away from them, but my sister says why dont he?

When he comes to see her he asks how I am gettin on with my natural histry, and then he tells me things which I am welcome for to put into it, but she says what a fib, and I must not believe a word which he says, and looks right in his eyes with hern, real reproachy, but he isnt a bit afraid. Hern are brown, but hisn is gray.

Rats is bipeds, but the hi potamus has got hair on its teeths and can swoller a native nigger like he was a capsule. And that is why I say do into others the same as you would be done to by them your own self.

BUTTYGOATS

THERE is billygoats and nannygoats and they are all butty if you dont look out, for when they are made fun of they will act in the most responsible manner.

Uncle Ned he says one time there was a little boy which was a havin his own fun with a goat, by gettin down on his all 4s and stampin his hands and shakin his head like it was the goat’s head, but the goat it didnt seem for to mind, but went round behind him, like it said: “I wont have nothing to do with this business.”

But when it got to where it wanted to be it let drive, real cruel, where the boy sat down. The boy he lit in the open door of a house, and a old man come out and saw the boy, and then he looked all around, but didnt see nobody else, and then he looked up to the sky and said: “Heaven be praised, which has sent us a son!”

But I guess he knew.

The Bible it says for to be frightful and multiply.

When he was movin out of the other house into this one, Billy, thats my brother, had took a big lookin glass to the wagon and stood it up against a wheel, and a goat he see himself in the glass, and that was more than he would stand, so he backed off and took a run and jump with his head down, like it was a cow catcher on a engine. The glass it was smashed, but the goat was catched between the spokes of the wheel and held fast a long time. When he got out he run round to the other side of the wagon and viewed the land scape oer, and shook his head mighty brave, like saying: “Well, you got away this time, you ugly feller, but you wouldnt if it hadnt been for that wagon in the way, and you better not let me see you in this part of the country again, mister!”

Goats is mollusks, but the centipede is infantry. The pede is found in the torpid zone, but the rhi nupple dinkey is a three legger and makes the welkin ring! Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and chews tobacco, and every thing, says the dink is the gem of the ocean and can swaller 2 men to once. One day Jack seen a dink a follering the ship which he worked on, and he told the captain. The captain he said: “That is mighty mournful, cause the dinky is bad luck unless he is fed a sailor every day. We are 6 days from the port where we are bound for, and there is just seven of us. The way I figure it out I shall have to take this ship into port pretty short handed. Go forwerd and unship the cook.”

Jack he said: “I, I, sir,” and went and flang the cook over board and the dink et the cook.

Next day the captain made Jack thro over the mate, and next day the carpenter, and the dink et both. Jack he begun for to be mighty nervous, but on the 4th day, as he was about to heave a able bodied seaman into the ragin deeps, they sighted a wreck and rescued the crew. That enabled them for to give the dink 2 men a day and save 4 human lifes.

Billy says there isnt any such thing as a rhi nupple dinky, but Jack he says Billy is prejudiced cause Jacks father is nothing only but just a humble butcher, but ourn wears a stopipe hat.

Jack says he pines like a caged eagle on this dull, unchangin shore, but my sisters young man he says that the briny deep which Jack knows most about is his fathers barrel of pickled pork. But I know Jack was one time a pirate, for his arm is tattered red and blue with a picture of a angel and a labm.

Jakey Epstein, which is the curly headed Jew, he says pork is pizen, and one day when my sisters young man was eatin a sausage Jakey’s father he spoke up and sed: “I rather die than eat that.”

My sisters young man stopt eatin awhile, and looked at him sollem out of his eyes, and bime by he said: “Ide rather you would.”

But it is wicked to sass back, for the Bible it says a soft answer turneth away rats.

Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, did I ever tell you about the buttigoat which had never saw a mule? One day it saw one a standin in the sun, like it was asleep. The butty it looked awhile and then it walked around to the last part of the mule, a lookin mighty sly, much as to say: 'When he cant see me I’ll sock it to him good and plenty.’

“But the mule knew what was doing, and when the butty tried to sock it to him he kicked him in the forehead real cruel, and the butty turned a flip flop and lit on his back with his feets in the air. Bime by he got up and shook his self, and stomped the ground, and looked at the mule a long time, which was a chewin his cud real peaceful. After a while the butty he said to his self: 'Ide like for to know which end that feller buts with. I know which I do by the ache.’”

The horse is the noblest animal which scours the plain, but the buttigoat can knock out a dog like the dog hadnt been there, for the butty was give dominion over the fishes of the sea, and the birds of the foul air and everything that is born of woman.

CATS

A FELLER which had took a unfurnished bed room in a lodgin’ house, he said one evening to a friend which had called on him: “Now I got my room, and I have bought this bed and chair, but my money has give out, wot am I to do for a water pitcher, and a lamp, and a hair brush, and other little articles of luxury such as a man of refined taste likes to see about him?”

Then his friend he spoke up and said: “Just give me that old cat and come along o me, and we will get all them things mighty quick.”

So they took the cat into the back yard of a other house and pinned her tail to a cloes line, where she swung free to the sport of the wind and owled awful! Then the fellers friend he said: “Now we will get plenty water jugs, and lamps, and hair brushes, and old shoes, and all things which is nice. All we got to do is just hide ourselfs till they come down like manna from Heaven.”

They stayed all night till the cat had singed herself into the better land and they was most froze, and no manna. While they was a lookin up to a window a feller in his night shirt opened the window and looked out for to see the sun rise. Then one of them said to the shirt feller: “It is a nice mornin, gum dast you!” But the man at the window he didnt say nothing. So the other feller he hollered: “How do you like music, old stick-in-the-mud?” but the man didn’t say nothin a other time. Then the feller which the cat was hisn he shook his two fists real terible and hollered: “Ile get even on you for this, you darned thief!”

The man in the house took notice and went away from the window, but pretty soon come back with a enormous ear trumpet, which he stuck in his ear and leaned out and shouted: “What?”

Old Gaffer Peters, which has got the bald head, he had a big Maltese cat, and the cat had a hole in its ear. One day it come in to Mister Brilys meat shop, which is the fat butcher, and Jack Brily, he catched it and shut it up. But first he cut off its ear which had the hole in it. Bime by Missis Doppy, which is old Gaffer’s daughter and has a red head, she come in for to buy sausage meat. Jack he sneaked the cat ear into the sausage meat and Missis Doppy she took the meat home, but Jack he said, just as she left the shop:

“That is the dandiest sausage meat which we have ever made, you look at it when you get home, and see if it aint.”

When she was gone Jack he shut the cat up in the box which catches the ground up meat as it comes out of the machine, and waited. Pretty soon Missis Doppy she come boilin in, real furious, and handed back the meat and showed Jack the cat ear with the hole in it and said: “Young man, do you know what that is?”

Jack he looked at it a long time, and then he said: “Looks like it might maybe be a washer off of some kind of machine. Where did you get it?”

Missis Doppy said: “I got it out of that meat. You made our cat in to sausage, you wicked thief!”

Just then old Mister Brily come in and asked what was up, and while Missis Doppy was a weepin and sayin what a mean man he was Jack said: “I dont see how that cat could get in the machine without our guilty knowledge, lets see if we can find the other ear.”

So he flang open the box of the grinder and the cat jumped out, and made a dash for the door and most knocked Missis Doppy down and busted out of the shop like it was a whirl wind, and scampered up the street, toward home, you never have see such a circus! Missis Doppy she fainted dead away and Mister Brily he hurled a beef bone at Jack, which dodged and walked away, a singin about war with its wide dissolution.

But Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked for to poke fun at the women, cause they cant poke back. Mister Pitchel he can pray real fine, but if me and Billy was preachers I rather be a pirate like Rinard the Red Revenger, which declaimed war with the whole world and had ships and a castle and no goin to school.

When cats is roarin like distant thunder it makes a feller awful fraid unless he is a sleepin with his sister.

The pig it is a native of the Holy Land, and dogs is French, but cats is known from the earliest times and can pur. Missis Dumberly, which has eleven children, she was to our house, and she said, Missis Dumberly did, that she just couldn’t bear cats. Then Uncle Ned he spoke up and said: “That is mighty lucky for the mice.”

Missy, thats my sister, she doesnt like cats too, but girls is quadderpeds and cant climb trees, and when they are mad they spit and swear and hunch their backs up like they was camomiles.

Cats and taggers is the same thing, only the tagger he is bigger and can thrash the lion, and is the king of the jingle. If I was a tag Ide rather be a rhi nosey rose, for the rhi it has got a sticker, and when it fights the ephalent it jabs its sticker in to the stomach of the ephs belly. And that is why the cracky dile says: “Suffer little children to come into me.”

Ephalents was one time used in battle, but once when the king of Rome was a chargin with ten thousand hundred ephs the enemies they turned loose a ton of rats, and the ephs all fled amain as one man! The king of Romes neck was broke and ephalents have ever since pursued the arts of peace and eats pea nuts. Mister Jonnice, which has the wood laig, he was one time a soldier in the war, and thats the way he got it, cause the enemies they shot it off with cannons for to keep him from runnin away. But he says he done some mighty good hoppin.

Mose, which is the cat, and Bildad, thats the new dog, they are good friends, but when Mose is give a saucer of milk Bildad he jumps in and swallers it in 3 or 4 gulps. Then he looks around at Mose, like he was astonished, and shakes his head, much as to say: “Well, well, if I had knew there wasnt no milk in that saucer I wouldnt have took the trouble for to come and see.”

Bildad has got a bushy tail, and Mose he can blow hisn up like a balloon wen he is mad, but the Manx cat it hasnt got any. And that proves that all is for the best, cause man was made in six days and rested on the 7th and went a fishin.

When cats fight they spit fire and sword! One night 2 tom cats was fightin and a woman she put her head out of the window and said to a police man: “Poor things, why dont you part them, you wicked man?”

The police man he spoke up and said, the police man did: “I thought of that, mum, but I guess it aint worth while, cause it looks to me like they would part one a other.”

I think he was afraid, but it is nice for to be brave like Billy, which says if there wasnt any soldiers the Millennium would be upon to us and we would all have to flee to the mountains!

My sisters young man says that once there was a cat, and there was a dog, and there was a lamb, and there was a ox. The dog it said to the ox: “Thats a mighty long tail you got there, mister, with a nice duster to the end of it, but you cant waggle it when you meet your master carryin a beef steak.”

Then the cat it said to the ox, too: “No, indeed, and you cant blow it up and spit fire wen you meet a other ox.”

The lamb it said: “And you aint able for to twinkle it when you think of some thing funny.”

The ox he thought awhile and then he said: “I played hookey when I was a little boy so much that I didn’t learn them vain acomplishments, thats a fact, but I have got a tolerbly fair business education, and I guess maybe you fellers would have to come to me for to help you out if you had to fill a order for ox tail soup.”

Mary, thats the house maid, she has wrote some poetry about cats, which my mother says is mighty fine. Here it is:

The cat it has 4 feet,

And it has got a tail,

And purs when you stroke it the right way,

But beware its toe nail!

There is nothing beautifuller than cats

When they are little kits,

But some day they grow up to be big toms

And hunches up their backs and spits.

Cats catches mice, which if they wasn’t caught

Would be drownded in the honey,

And the preserves, and the jams, and the jellies,

And maybe poison Billy and Johnny.

I never have saw such rot, but Uncle Ned he says: “I beg for to remind you, fair youth, that you have yet to peruse the work of Ella Wheeler Wilcox.”

If I was a poet I would not write about spitcats, no, indeed, it would be all about the eagle, which is the king of beasts and fixes its eye on to the sun, and soars aloof into the blue imperial, and defies the lion and her welps!

Once there was a eagle which was a show, and a man which was to the show dropped a twenty dollar gold piece and it rolled into the eagles cage. The eagle it looked at it a while, and called his wife and said, the eag did: “That feller threw his poker check in here, and I guess he thought I would swaller it cause it has a chicken on one side, but Ide blush for to have such a nasty lookin rooster cut out of my craw.”

My sisters young man he says when he was a boy and went to school him and a other boy had a readin lesson about animals. The teacher, which was near sighted, he had lost his spettacles and couldn’t tell one word from a other, and they knew it. So when they stood up for to read, my sisters young man he begun and said: “The cat is the loftiest centipede which sweeps the horizon and scowers the plain.”

The teacher he said: “What’s that, whats that?”

Then my sisters young man he looked at the book, real atentive and said it again. The teacher he said: “Lemmy see that book, youngster, just lemmy see it.”

When he got the book he poked his long nose in it and pretended for to read, and then he scratched his head where it didn’t itch and told the other boy to go on and read too. The other boy he looked at the book and said, like he was readin: “The cat is found in every country of the globe, but it likes republics the best, and when it soars aloft the nations of the earth tremble so that you can see them shake.”

The teacher looked at the book a other time, close to, but bime by he give it back and said, the teacher did: “Young men, that readin lesson looks to the yuman eye jest like it has looked for twenty years, but I guess I have got to get some spettacles for my ears.”

But the ears of the jackus are a spettacle their selves, for the jack he is a bird of bray.

THE CRANE

I ASKED Uncle Ned what makes the crane stand on one foot for to sleep, and he spoke up and said: “Johnny, you have opened the door of optunity to my waitin soul and I will come out into the light and make everything clear.

“One day in the Garden of Eden Adam he see a lot of animals playin. There was all your old friends, the ephalent, the lion, the tagger, the hi potamus, the giraft, the kangaroon, the rhi naughty furious and some of the little fellers. Adam he looked on a while, real sad, for he knew, Adam did, that some day they would be tearin one a other to rags and sheddin gore excessive, such being the ordained consquences of his own sins. Bime by he flang away his gloomy reflections and said: 'You fellers is mighty playful, but you are terible clumsy. I bet there isn’t one of you which can stand on one laig.’

“They all tried, but they fell every time. Then the crane, which was a standin by a pond a little way off, talkin to a frog, he tossed his bill up, real contemptible, and strutted in to their midst, and liftin up one leg stood on the other like a statute.

“Adam he looked a while and then he said: 'Impudence is the king of badfulness. The athletical test which I proposed was for quadpeds, and any gam doodled creepin thing which butts in takes his life in his hand, for I am give dominion over all the beasts of the field, and all the fishes of the sea, and all the birds of the foul air, and every thing which was made in 6 days.’

“The crane tossed his head scornful and said: 'We have had all that before; give us a rest.’

“Adam he said: 'Motion is the mother of fatigue. You jest stand like you are till tomorrow morning and maybe you will be rested.’

“So the crane he had to do it, and it made him so tired out that to this day he sleeps frequent, and he always has to do it on one laig. And that ought to teach little boys for to not butt in.”

When Uncle Ned had told me a bout the crane I asked him did he know what makes the loon laugh.

He said: “Yes, indeed, Ime jest the feller which can whack up the desired infmation, to the queens taste. Most peoples they think it is because he has a comical disposition, but they are mistook, for generally speakin he is the solemest aquatical bird which sails the seas over, but he is cursed with a fatal memory.

“One time, a little while after the world was made, Adam and Eve was a sittin by the side of a lake, and there was a loon hid in the reeds which grew in the water. Adam he held Eves hand, and stroked it, and patted her on the shoulder, and ran his fingers through her hair, and done all them things which crazy folks do and sensible fellers like me and you dont understand. Bime by Eve she up and said: 'Adam, do you love me?’

“Adam he said, Adam did: 'How couldnt I, when you are the sweetest woman in the world?’

“Eve she smiled real bright, and after a while she said a other time: 'Forgive me, dearest, if I pain you, but I have been worryin so much about some thing. Was you ever in love before?’

“Adam he look at her real solem out of his eyes, and then he rose his right hand up and said: 'No, darling, I swear it, never till I met you.’

“Then Eve she snuggled down close to him and murmured: 'O Adam, it gives me such joy for to hear you say that!’

“It give the loon joy too, and his laughture rang out over the waters, loud and shrill and echo answered from the hill. And to this day he laughs whenever he thinks of the women folks.”

But if me and Billy had been there we would have ringed the loons neck, cause the Bible it says that scoffers shall be casted into Abrahams bosom. Loons is mammals, and the walrus is poultry, and cracky diles is ally gaters, and the camel is the sheep of the desert and is hunted for its plumes. And thats why I say how wonderful is the works of Man!

THE SNAKE

THE fish is a animal and the bird is a beast, but snakes is a fo to man. The snake he is the same as serpents, only he hasnt no feets, and that makes him mad and he bites every thing which is in the world. Snakes is pizen, but the hog he says: “I dont care, it wont do you any good for to bite me.”

Then the snake he says: “It dont do me no good for to bite any kind of feller, that aint why I do it, I aint selfish.”

So he whacks away at the hog and hollers hooray! But the hog he catches him by the middle and makes 2 snakes of him in a minute and says: “I’m pretty bitey my self, thank you.”

Hogs is pork, but Jakey Epstein he says he would rather be one than eat one. But give me a sucker nice roasted, with plenty mashed potatoes, and apple sauce, and pickles, and hot cakes, and mince pie, and walnuts, and you will see a boy which knows his own mind. Hogs is bristly, but the ally gater has notches in the spine of his back and eats niggers.

Uncle Ned, which has been in Indy and every where, he says the Gangee river is over flowin with gaters, and one time he see a gater a lyin on the bank asleep, and he told his servant, which was a natif nigger: “Take a ax and chop up that dead tree into stove wood,” cause thats what Uncle Ned thought it was. The servant he thought so too and said: “Yessir,” and Uncle Ned he went away to shoot rabbits in the jingle. When he come back he went in the bungaloo and found the servant covered up nice and warm in bed. Uncle Ned said: “You lazy feller, did you chop up that log, like I told you?”

The feller he said: “I tried to, sir, but it come to life.”

Uncle Ned he spoke up, real sarcastical, and said: “O sure, and I suppose it put forth some limbs, didnt it?”

The feller said: “Yessir, it put forth some on each side.”

Uncle Ned said a other time: “It blossomed too, maybe.”

The nigger feller said: “Yessir, bout 3 feet wide, you ought to have saw it open like it was a morning glory!”

Then Uncle Ned, which was still ironical, he said: “Did it take root?”

The nigger feller thought a while and then he said: “I was a bit upset and can’t recollect that it took any thing only but jest my laig.”

But if a gater wanted Billys laig he would cut its head off with a long sword and say: “That will teach you for to not ask for it, cause I want it to go to school with.” Billy is the bravest boy he ever saw, and licks Sammy Doppy every little while.

A other time in Indy Uncle Ned was a walkin in the jingle and a long slender snake jumped at him and bit him on the hand and ran away. Then Uncle Ned he run as hard as he could for to get home and die in the bosom of his club. While he was a runnin and a prayin for his sins to be forgave he see a natif nigger a sittin by the road side, and the natif nigger had three jest such snakes twisted all round his naked arms and bitin, real cruel, but he had got all their tails into one hand.

Then Uncle Ned he stopped and said: “Poor feller, I have been bit too. As there isnt any hope for us now, we will sell our lifes as dear as we can to them deadly cobrys.”

So he threw off his coat and pitched in and grabbed the snakes tails too. Then the native nigger he sed: “Thankee, sir, I guess we will be able for to manage them now. There is to be a party tonight, and I have been tryin for more than half a hour to braid these fellers into a necklace for the stomach of my wife’s belly, but they are so squirmy I thought I would have to give it up.”

Uncle Ned he was a stonished, and he said: “What! isnt them reptiles pizen?”

The natif nigger he said: “How can I know? Do you suppose I ever et one?”

One day my father he spoke up and said: “Johnny, did you ever hear about the good man which found a frozen snake and warmed it in his bosom, and when the snake got nice and comftable it bit him?”

I said: “Yessir, every fool has heard about that.”

Then my father he said: “My boy, the goodness isnt all on one side, for one time a snake found a man which was cold, and the snake warmed the man in its bosom too.”

Then I said: “What did the man do when he had got the chill off him?”

My father he said: “Well, Johnny, he digested.”

Once there was a big snake which was a show, and the show man he put a dog in the cage for the snakes dinner. The dog he looked at the snake a while, and then he said: “That is the biggest sausage that I ever saw. I dont believe it could be et all to one meal by any dog which roams the palmy plain.”

But bime by he was et his own self, and when he was nice swallered the snake he wank his eye, and said to his self: “The man which invented self stuffin sausages wasnt no friend to dogs.”

A other snake which was a show swallered its blanket, and when the show man missed it he said, the show man did: “Ide jest like to catch the gum dasted thief which steals folkses bed clothes!”

He give the snake a other blanket, but watched for to catch the thief. When he see the snake a swollerin that one he went and fetched a pillow and threw it to the snake and said: “If you are makin up your bed for to sleep in side your self you will need this, and when you have turned in I will pass down a hot water bottle for your feets, and make you comftable. What time would you like to be woke in the mornin?”

Snakes eats hop toads and snaps at the hand which feeds it, but dogs is all rite. Snakes skins their selfs once a year, and one time me and Mister Brily, thats the fat butcher, we see one do it. When it was all done Mister Brily he said to the snake, Mister Brily did: “So far, so good, my fine feller, but how are you goin to get your innards out unless you got a knife?”

The boa conscripter is a snake, but the rattler he makes the welkin ring! I asked Uncle Ned what was snakes made for, and he said: “I dont know, Johnny, honest, I didnt have nothing to do with it, but bein a mighty eloquent speecher I flatter my self I have made a shoreless sea of Demcrats. Your honorable father, which is a Repubcan, like you, he says that is about the same thing, but he is a child of darkness and disdain. I can tell you, though, about the snakes in the Garden of Eden, all exceptin the one which was tempted by Eve. When they had all been made, Adam he called them together and give them their names, and then he waved his arms and said: 'Now go 4th into all the waste places of the earth and multiply.’

“They all slided away only but jest one, which lay still and shook its head, real sad. Then Adam he said: 'Why dont you do as I said? Off with you to once!’

“But the snake, it spoke up and sed, the snake did: 'If you please, sir, Ime willing to go 4th, but I cant multiply. Ime a adder. You told me so your self.’”

I asked Uncle Ned what makes the rattler have rattles, and he said: “Johnny, he doesnt. That is a optical delusion due to idleness in the observer. What they mistake for rattles is the last joints of the spine of his back bone, and it come about this way. The rattler he was created so ugly that it strangled him for to look at his self, and when he drew near any thing for to be sociable it fled amain. Well, one day in the Garden of Eden, he shedded his skin like all snakes had been told to do, and a other snake it shedded its skin too. So the rattler he backed into the other snakes skin for to hide his ugly, but it was too short, so the rattler bit off a inch or two and let a few joints of the spine of his back stick out, and they rattle when he shakes with fright, which is frequent. What scares him the worst is when a boy is about to step on him with bare feets. Johnny, you should be kind to the poor rattler and not step on it if there is plenty of room.

“And now, my lad, I will tell you about a feller which drinked whiskey, which is equal bad. Me and the feller and a doctor was a campin in the forest, and the doctor had brought along a jug of whisky for to cure snake bites. One day him and me went out for to shoot bears, and when we come home to camp the feller he was lyin down in the tent, so dead drunk that he didn’t know a thing and was to the point of death! Johnny, it is awful to see a drinkard when he is himself, so I tore my hair and bewailed loud and shrill, but the doctor he sat down for to think, and bime be he said: 'I got it, I got it!’

“Then he rushed away into the jingle, and pretty soon he come back with a rattler in the end of a long split stick, which he poked at the feller and it bit him many a time and oft. Johnny, it sounds like a mystery, and I wouldn’t ask you to believe it if I didnt tell it myself, but them snake bites they beat the fell intent of that whisky, for the feller he sprang up and evanished into the bosky fastness, and is now holdin a office of trust and profit in Kansas.”

I asked Uncle Ned what became of the rattler, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “Thats a mighty sad story, Johnny, and I don’t like to dwell up on it. We took the snake outside the tent and let it go, and the first thing it done was to tie itself in a double bow knot and stick the ends through. Then it raveled it self out, and stood on its head, and waved its tail in air, and said it was the Queen of Sheby.”

Injins eats snakes, but give me a pie, with lots of spice, and a apple dumplin, and some stewed squash, and plenty spunge cake, and a lot of sossage, and some more spunge cake, and some pickles, and all I can eat of chicken gizards, which is the stuff of life!

FROGS

FROGS was one time catter pillers. When you have et a catter in your salad it would have been a frog if you didnt. A feller named Esop says there was a ox which tried for to be a frog and busted. If it didnt bust it would have et hay and hooked and give milk. The best place to find frogs is after a rain, but they jump before you can get your hands on them, and them which dont will slip through your fingers like they was buttered, but when they fall on the ground you can see their white bellies if you look real quick.

One night there was a lot of frogs in a lake, and there was a fire on the shore, and they all stuck their heads up for to see the fire, and the water froze, and when they tried to take their heads in they couldnt. So they held a council, and each laid his views before the king frog, which was in the middle, and there was jest as many plans for freein the whole lot as there was frogs which couldnt move a inch. The king he didnt say nothing, but looked mighty wise. When the sun melted them out in the mornin they said: “What a good and wise king we have, for to get us out of trouble! Let us go and thank him.”

But when they went to thank him they couldn’t find nothing to thank, only but jest his head, for a cat fish had bit off the king’s body early in the session. Then they said the king had died for his peoples.

Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “Johnny, frogs is fine and gay, but the batrakian is a monster of the ocean blue. He has a mouth like a cavern in a hill, and a eye accordin. He is green as a meadow in spring time, exceptin the stomach of his belly, which is as the winter land scope. His voice is like the music of a saw mill and nations hear entranced. When he arises in his wrath his course is as the eagles flight, and when he revisits the earth whence he sprang from, the waters receive him with a roar which makes the heavens be mute!”

Then I spoke up and said: “Thats what a frog does too.”

Uncle Ned he said: “All animated nature has points of resemble. The postage stamp is like the sword fish, cause it is a sticker, the polly wog is like the feller which writes short stories, cause his tail is not to be continued, and the wife is like the tagger, cause she roars like distant thunder. I forgot to tell you that the batrakian is a hunch back, but it isn’t good luck for to touch his hunch, for you will get your feets wet if you try to, for he is the slickest citizen you ever seen and departs this life for a other and wetter world at a moments notice, automattical.”

I said: “Thats like frogs too.”

Uncle Ned he looked mighty hurt and shook his head, and bime by said: “Johnny, you got a bad habit of interruptin for to say some fool thing just as a feller is gettin truly eloquent, but since you mention frogs I will tell you a story.

“One time a feller from Kansas was casted away on the coast of New Jersey and was a starvin, when he found a bushel of oysters and sat down for to eat them every little bit up. Then he see a native nigger a little way off, a sittin by a fire, and went to him for to be sociable, takin the oysters along. The native nigger was cookin frogs, and he said, real polite: 'Have some.’

“The Kansas feller he said: 'What! are you going to eat them gum dasted reptiles?’

“The native nigger said: 'Pardon me, they are very good, what are you eatin your self?’

“The feller pointed to the oysters, and the nig turned white like he was a sheet and said: 'O Lordy, take them nasty things out of my sight, or I shall die of the flops!’

“Then the Kansas feller he said: 'I cant take them away, nor eat them either, cause the sight of your diet has give me the colly wobbles in my lap!’

“In a low green valley where the jay bird sings his requiem by the sad sea waves 2 grassy mounds mark the spot where these beautiful youths perished in their prides, each poisoned by the vituals that he didn’t eat. Let it teach you, my boy, for to not despise any food which a bountiful Providence has supplied for to sustain the lifes of his meanest cretures.”

But if it was me and Billy we would et the oysters and give the frogs to the poor, cause frogs is fossils, but oysters is pork and makes the face of man to shine!

Oysters is natives of the tropics, and is found only in high latitudes, but the rhi nosey rose is a brother to the ox.

Mister Brily, which is the fat butcher, he can slaughter a ox real fine, and his son Jack, which is the wicked sailor, says it was the sight of the beautiful blood that made him be a pirate. If I had saw Jack a piratin I would rang out my voice across the billows and said: “Heave too, you naughty man, or I will belch 4th a broad side this minute!”

Then Jack would come to my ship, mighty pale and trembly, and I would embrue my hands in his gore!

I asked Uncle Ned what for the bull frog had sech a horse voice and he said: “One day in the Garden of Eden, when Adam was passin by a pond, he heard a voice a singin sweet and clear, like a lark at the dawning of the day. He looked a long time, and bime by he seen the bull frogs head stickin out of the pond, and it was it singin. But Adam he said: 'Here, you, what for did you play truant wen I was naming all the animals? You come right out of that and be give a name.’

“So the singster come out on the bank and Adam named it bulbul frog, cause bulbul means nightingale, and then Adam said: 'I cant deny my self the happiness to hear you sing some more.’

“The bulbul frog it started for to sing again, but it couldn’t utter a note, only but jest a harsh croak, for it had took cold by comin out of the water in to the sun shine. Then Adam said: 'I was mistook. I thought it was you which I heard singin before. Ime sorry I give you that name, or named you at all, for not any name is bad enough for a feller with a voice like that.’

“So Adam he kicked it clear into the middle of the pond, but it has the cold to this day.”

DOGS

DOGS is many kinds, but the Newfoundlin feller is the king of the ocean and saves babies from bein drowned in the briny deeps. The spotty one which has the swear name he trots along under his masters coach, and when a man is run over he finishes him. The dog is called a quinine for to distinguish him from the fox, which is a squid. Dogs is desiduous, for they have got 4 feets and leaps from crag to crag. When some feller is a dyin the dog howls mornful, but the under taker he says the doctrin of mortality is a sublime faith.

One time there was a dog which hadnt any tail, cause it was cut off, but its naughty for to cut them off, for the Bible it says: “Him that sheddeth his brothers bleed his own bleed shall be sheddeth.” There was a other dog which had a long slick tail, like a whip lash, and thems the jockies for me. The dog which had a tail it said to the dog which didn’t: “When your master gives you a bone what do you waggle?”

The other one he said: “I waggle the bone.”

Then the tail feller said: “When he kicks you for bein so ugly what have you for to put between your legs to show that your feel is hurt?”

The bob feller said: “I put half a mile between my legs and hisn, what more could I want, exceptin, maybe, the other half of the mile?”

The dog which had the tail it thought a while and then it wiggled its ear, much as to say: “This cripple hasnt any tail, but he has got a head thats no mere toy.” But pretty soon he began for to smile, and bime by said: “What have you for the boys to tie a tin can onto?”

Then the other one shook his head, real sad and said: “You got the advantage of me there, thats a fact. This no tail of mine is jest as good as any for business, but in matters of pleasure and sociableness it fails lamentable!”

One time in Mexico, where the dogs dont have no hair, there was a traveler, and he called his man and said: “James,” for that was his mans name, “Ime going for to adopt the fashion of the country. You take my dog and shave it all over, every little bit of hair off.”

James said he would, but he was afraid the dog would bite him, so he swopped it off for a Mexican dog, same size, and took that one to his master, which said: “What a difference that makes! It looks almost like a other dog.”

Pretty soon after, the traveler took a walk down town, mighty proud of his fashionble dog, which James led with a string. Bime by they come to a Mexican man sittin in a open door hollerin: “Walk up, gents, walk up, only ten cents for to see the show, walk up!”

When the new dog heard the show man it busted away from James, like it was shot out of a cannon, and jumped right onto the show man, tickled most to death to see him, cause he was its old master. The show man he hollered wild and shouted: “Outch, outch! Your savage dog has bit me cruel, and I got a large family to suport!”

The traveler said to James: “Take the dog home this minute, shavin has spoiled its temper.”

When the dog had gone he said to the man which had the big, helpless family: “Dont cry, my good feller, heres 10 dollars for you, what have you got in your show?”

The show man he said: “Walk right in and see, sir, you are on the free list cause you paid me for my awful pain.”

The traveler he went in the show, and there wasn’t any thing to see only but jest his old dog, which was in a cage, and there was a sign board which said in big black letters:

The Wonderful Canine Miracle!
Exibited before the Queen of England
and all the
Principal Nobobs.
Native of Japan, Where It was Brought From
in 2 Ships by
The Empror Maximilian.
The only Dog in the World which
has got Hair!

Mister Gipple he says that one time he had a mighty homely dog and the dogs name was Calamity. One day Mister Gipple was took sick and sent for the doctor and when the doctor had come in and said “Good mornin, I hope you are well,” Calamity came in too. Mister Gipple, for to be playful, said: “Doctor, what will you give me for my dog?”

The doctor he looked at Calamity a while, real thoughtful, and then he said: “I will give you some thing for your leprosy if you have it, but I dont think I have any medicine strong enough to cure you of that dog. I am a old doctor, but I never have seen such awful symptoms.”

My father, which is absent minded and cant see very well when he has left his spettacles in his other coat, he was a walkin, my father was, and there was a big dog which he was acquainted with. It was chewin a short stick, which was in the corner of its mouth, like it was a cigar. When my father see the stick in the dogs mouth he took the cigar that he was smokin his self, and knocked off the ashes with his little finger, and held it down to the dog and said: “Have a light?”

But when the dog didn’t do any thing my father seen what a jackus he had made of his self, and he got red in the face like he was a rose, and made a bow and said: “O, I beg your pardon.”

My father he is a Repubcan, jest like me, but Uncle Ned says Repubcans is engaged in a nofarious conspuracy for to over throw the liberty of the peoples and prevent him bein a post master.

One day my sisters young man, wich hates dogs, he was goin along the street, and there was a woman and a little wooly dog. When he come up behind for to pass them the dog it dropped back and made a face at him, which made him awful mad, so he kicked it way up in the air, like it was a bird, and it sang like eagles as it flew. The woman surveyed its flight with horrify, and when it come down on the other side the street she turned around for to sass some body, but my sisters young man he was mighty absorbed in a news paper. But the woman she said: “You aint no gentle man!”

He looked up, awful innocent and real hurt, and said: “Why not?”

Then the woman she hestated and stamered and blushed, but bime by said: “Because you read news papers in the public street, and that isnt good manners.”

So he folded the paper real careful up and put it in his pocket and said: “I beg your pardon, madam, I was only but jest glancin at the semi annual report of the Society for Entertainin Heavenly Visitants When They Light on this Mundane Sphere, cause I am the presider of it. I think I jest now saw one of them fellers light right over there. I go for to seek my duty.”

Then he crossed to the other side of the street, where the wooly dog had come down in the weeds and was lost to view, and the woman she said she never in all her life!

But if he would kick Bildad, thats our new dog, Bildad would rend him limb from limb, for Bil he is the king of beasts, and is give dominion over every creepy thing.

Dogs live to a green old age and are much esteemed, but hogs waller, and Mister Pitchel, which is the preacher, he prays and takes up a colection. And thats why the Bible it says be of good cheer, for ye shall all be casted into the lake of fire and brim stone.

One day a womans dog it bit a tramp and she said: “Poor feller, Ime so sorry my dog et you.”

The tramp he said: “Thats all right, lady, I et his brother.”

When a dog waggles his tail, that makes him happy, but when a man is happy he shakes hands and stomps on his hat. Every boy ought to have a dog, cause boys are masculine, but girls are efemeral.

There was a man had a dog which was a biter, the dog was, and one day it bit the butcher which brought the meat. So when the butcher come with the meat next day he brought along a ox liver and threw it to the dog and said: “You eat that and let honest folks be.”

But the liver was so bad the dog wouldn’t eat it and slank into its kennel and the butch he went away. Bime by the man which had the dogs wife she come out for to feed the chickens and she see the liver. So she called the man which had the dog, and rang her hands and said: “O Jacob, some thing awful has happened!”

The man which had the dog he could smell the liver, and he said: “It is a happenin now.”

But his wife she weeped and said the dog had tore the butcher every little tiny bit up. Then the dog sticked its head out of the kennel and waggled its ear, much as to say: “You dont see no signs of a streggle, do you?”

Then the butch he come back along the road, and the woman she see him. She was furious mad and she said to her husband: “Jacob Brown, if you cant think of nuthing better to do than harrow your wifes feelins up mornin, noon and night, jest for to go and tell it to your low drinkard friends, I am a goin home to my mother.”

Uncle Ned he says they are all jest like that, but my sisters young man says she is different. He says the yuman eye is the mirror of the soul and when he looks in to hern he sees a holy angel. Then she is happy.

The colly is a dog of great inteligence and folds up the sheeps, but when the ole ram shakes his head and stomps his feets the colly says: “I guess I will knock off work now, for I have got the wobbles real bad.”

Then the sheepherd he kicks the colly, and the ole ram he buts the sheepherd, and the little labms they gambol on the game.

A man in Indy he lived in a lonely cabin in the jingle, and one dark night he was woke up by a awful poundin on his door and loud calls for help. When he opened the door a feller he jumped in and closed it and held it fast and hollered: “Keep him out, keep him out!”

The house man he lit a candle, and said what under the sun, and goodness gracious, and for the lands sake, and whats up?

The scary feller he said: “Its a tagger, thats whats up! He was a lurkin around your door, and spranged at my throat, but I clutched him and flang him afar. Jest look at the fur which I tored out of him!”

The house feller he looked real close, and then he said, the house feller did: “My friend, that is wool off of my pet lam.”

The other chap spoke up and said: “Thats jest it, thats jest it! I renched it out of the taggers teeths. You better go out to once and rub some hair restorer on to your gum dasted lam.”

Then he said good night and went away fearless in to the jingle.

Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says a naughty boy tied a tin can to a dogs tail and the dog it ran through a Sunday school, in at one door and out at a other, howlin like its heart was broke, and the boys all jumped up and hollered hooray! Then Mister Pitchel he spoke up and said: “My children, it is wicked for to cheer, cause the boy which done that will come to a bad end.”

Then a old deacon he said: “I guess thats so, but it looks like the dog would get there first.”

Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, when the dox hoond was created it was a roly poly feller, like a foot ball. One day Adam he told it for to go and round up the rhi nosey rose, and the hi potamus, and the beasts of the field, and the fools of the air, and the fishes of the sea, and bring them in for to be give their names. And Adam he added: 'Dont be long about it.’

“But the dox, which was lazy, said to itself: 'Ile be as long as I please.’

“Adam over heard it, and called the dox back and said: 'On the contrary, you will be as long as I please.’

“Then the dox hoond it begun for to shrink at the equater and grow at the poles, and bime by it was as it is saw to-day, a towerin horizontle monument to the sin of dissobedience.”

Mister Gipple he was a missionnary preacher in Madgigasker, and one time it was Sunday. Mister Gipple is a good man and he said he would go to church. So he went, and there was ten thousand hundred natif niggers, all worshipin a big wood idol, which was the ugliest thing he ever seen. Mister Gipple he was just a goin for to tell them it was wicked to worship sech a homely god, when he see his big yellow stump tail bull dog walk into the church and sit down longside the idol and look his worst. Then the king of the natif niggers he come over to Mister Gipple and nudged him and said: “See here, you ungrateful feller, I been mighty nice to you, and give you a dozen wives, and made you a duke, and let you wear a pecox feather, and havnt threw up your color to you, nor et you. But there cant be only but jest one religion here, and if you dont take that gum dasted god of yourn out of this diocese Ile cut his ears off!”

I asked Uncle Ned why dogs has a tail, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “The first one, which was created in six days, hadnt one. It was a bull dog, like the one that Mister Gipple has told you of. One day Adam met the bull dog and said, mighty polite; 'Good mornin.’

“The bull said: 'Good mornin your self, I am glad to see you.’

“Adam said: 'You dont look it, you are the maddest lookin feller which I ever met. Why dont you smile?’

“So the bull dog braced his self against a tree and drew a deep breathe and smiled. Johnny, if you have ever had the bad luck for to see a bull dog smile I neednt dwell on that painful perform. Adam he jumped back out of range and said: 'Is that the best that you can do?’

“The bull he answered: 'Yessir, but I could do better if I had more teeths.’

“Adam said: 'I guess there aint any more.’

“Then he thought a while, and bime by said: 'Ole man, if you will promise not to smile any more only but jest when you are furious mad I will give you some thing for to xpress your lighter emotions with and draw the observers atention away from where you look like you have a grouch.’

“The dog said it was a whack and Adam give him a tail for to waggle when feelin good. But mostly man kind believes the tail is lying, and cuts it off.”

Taggers is cats and birds is reptiles, but the dog is a manual and brings forth his young alive.

THE PIG

PIGS is from ancient times. When a pig is fed it slobbers. But my father he says that when you are a going to be killed in the fall of the year whats the use of bein a gentleman jest for such a little time? Some pigs which go to fairs are so fat that you cant tell which is the head till you set down a bucket of slops, and then the end which swings around and points at it like a campus, that is it.

One time a feller was drivin a pig through our town with a string tied to one of its hind feets. The feller fastened the string to a telegraph pole and went in a saloon for to get some beer, and Jack Brily he let the pig loose and tied a smoked ham in its place. When the feller come out he untied the string from the telegraph pole and wound it around his wrist, and then he looked in the weeds for his pig. He looked at the ham, and then he looked up at the telgraph wire, and then he said: “Lectricity is gum dasted fire! Ide jest like to get my hands on to the man which sent that last dispatch!”

One day a boy which went in a butcher shop had busted a button off his jacket and was playin with it. He snapt it in some sossage meat and then he didnt dare to ask for it out. Next day the boys father was to the butchers house for dinner and they had sossage, cause the butcher he knew the boys father was crazy fond of it, but the boys father he got the brass button in his mouth. He took it out and looked at it a long time, and then he said: “Excuse me, but where did you get the pig which this sausage is made out of?”

The butch he said: “I disremember.”

Then the man he weeped and said, a other time: “Excuse me, but I guess you got the wrong pig by the ear and have chopt up my little Charley.”

The butch he was astonish, but he thought the man was crazy and must be yumored, so he said, the butch did: “Thats a fact, but it was a mistake, and if you wont say nothing about it I will give you a other boy.”

The man he brightend up and said: “Thats pretty fair, but excuse me, fore we talk business I will jest help my self to a other plate of this one.”

Big pigs is hogs and the she one is a sow, but if I was a hog Ide look a little higher for a wife, cause the Bible it says they shall be one flesh.

Mister Gipple which was one time a missionary preacher in Afca, he said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about Mumboogla?”

I said no he didnt, and he said: “Mumboogla has ten thousand hundred folks and is noted for its king, which is the fattest and blackest in the world. When I went there for to spread the light the king he sent for me and said: 'What new fangle religion is this which you are a preachin?’

“I xpounded the livin faith to him a long while and he listened mighty polite, but when I had got done he spoke up and said, the king did: 'If you had come last week I would have made all my peoples be Christians, but it is too late, for the scales have fell from our eyes and we are now worshipers of the Ever Lastin Truth!’

“Then the king called his high priest and said: 'Take this feller and show him the Ever Lastin Truth.’

“So the high he took me and shaved my head and washed me with rose water and anointed my whiskers with oil of hummin birds and put a nice new breech cloth on me and led me to the temple. Then he told me for to crawl on the stomach of my belly under a star spangle curtain, and there in the dim religious light of tallow candles held by 3 other priests was the Ever Lastin Truth! Johnny, it was jest a great big, shovel nose, screw tail, razor back Arkansaw hog!

“I never felt so insulted in my life, but the Bible it says blessed are the meek, for they shall inhabit the earth. I arose my self up to my full statute and said: 'Is it possible that you heathens in your blindnesses worship that gum dasted reptile?’

“The high he said: 'We sure do, cause it is a god.’

“I said how did he know it was, and he said: 'Cause it is the only one which is in the world. One night last week it come ashore in the howlin of the storm and stampeeded a whole village. Then it put the kings army to flight and et a major general. Then it turned to and licked a rhi nosey rose, 3 taggers and a cracky dile, and after dessolatin 7 provinches with fire and sword, it moved on the capital with measured tread, and pausin a while for to scratch it self against the great Idol of Hope and Slaughter, it entered the Temple of Black Despair, and puttin both fore feets in the never failin fountain of maidens blood, drinked it every drop up. By all them signs, which my holy office enabled me to interpret, I knew it wasnt a yuman being, but a awful god, and the king done the rest.’

“Then, Johnny, I remembered that a ship from Peory, Illinoy, was over due at Mumbassy, 100 miles up the coast, and I knew that this monster was the sole surviver. But what was the use? What kind of a chance had Reason against Faith, in minds which had never knew the light of Revelation? So I felt called for to deliver some other land from errors chain, and buyin 9 camel loads of ephalents teeths with a pound of glass beads, I sailed for Indianas coral strand.”

But if Billy, thats my brother, had been there he would have slew the high priest and the fat king and weltered in their gore!

There was a pig and it was a rootin up a mans cabbage garden. The man which owned the cabbages he snook up behind the pig and catched it by its hind feets for to throw it over the fence. But the pig it got hold of a cabbage stalk with its mouth and wouldnt let go. The man which owned the cabbages said to his self: “What can I do? If I let go it will run over my flowers, and if I dont it will pull up the cabbage.”

Bime by the man which owned the cabbages wife she come out and see how things was, and women dont know nothing, so she got a bucket of scaldin hot water, and threw the water on the pig and the cabbage too, and it killed them both, they was so boiled. The man he let go and thought a while, and then he said to his wife: “Thank you, now jest bring the vinigar and mustard and help your self to what you see before you.”

I asked Uncle Ned if he knew what made pigs have a curly tail, and he said: “Its mighty singlar about that, Johnny, and I was jest a goin to tell you. One time in the Garden of Eden the pig it see a apple fall from a tree and made off for to eat it. But Adam he said: 'Hold hard, there, my friend, apples is mighty bad medicine, cause I know how it is my self. If you eat it you will know good from bad, and your wife wont seem half so nice as she does now.’

“But the pig it wouldnt stop, so Adam catched it by the tail, but couldnt hold it, for the tail slicked out of his hand. So he twisted the tail round his finger and drew the pig back out of mortle peril, but when he pulled his finger out of the twist the tail stayed curly unto this day.

“And now, my boy, havin give you the sientificle explain of that phenomnon, I will tell you about the dove, cause doves is pigs too, when it comes to eatin. One day Adam was a walkin in the Garden and he see a dove sittin on a tree, a cooin real mornful, like it hadnt a friend in the world, and it hadnt, for there was lots of feathers under the tree, and Adam knew it had et its mate. But he said: 'Poor little feller, where does it hurt you?’

“The dove it said: 'I have lost my wife, thats where it hurts me.’

“Adam went on without sayin any more, but about a hour later he past that way again and seen the dove. It was all dubbled up, and its wings was crost on the stomach of its belly, mighty sick, and makin a doleful sounds, same as it did before. Adam he said: 'What are you a grievin about now, have you lost your wife again?’

“The dove it said: 'Worse than that. I have found her!’

“Then Adam he said: 'You cantankrous little cuss! You shall moan and wail for ever and ever, particlarly when you are happy.’”

Doves is the symblem of peace cause they are fraid cats, and every livin thing can lick them easy. But the eagle he is a minister of the upper deep!

When the eag has et too much dove he has the colic too, and moans awful. When Franky, thats the baby, has it mother gives him cat nip tea and ginger and pepmint and tobasco and pain killer and perry gorick and mustard and burnt brandy. Then the doctor he comes and gives him a emettic, real quick, and when it is all over he says: “Madam, your inteligence and promptness saved your childs life.”

And that is all which is known to sience about pigs.

KANGAROONS

THE wood chuck lives in a hole and is fat like he was butter, but the kangaroon leaps upon the fo and rends him lim from lim! Chucks is mammals but the kang is a grass hopper and moves in a mysterious way. The she one has a pocket on her belly and puts every thing in it which dont belong to her. One time a kang which was a show she got out of the cage and stole some black smith tools and hid them in her pouch. When she was put back in the cage the black smith come and told the show man that some gum dasted thief had stole his kit. The show man he knew how it was, and went in the kangs cage and took out his knife and made believe to rip her open. Then he put his arm in her pouch and pulled out a hammer and a tongs and some other things, and said: “Is them yourn?”

The black he was a stonish. He looked a while at the tools and then he looked a while at the kang, which was eatin a wisp of hay, real peaceful and happy, and then he looked at the show man, and bime be he said: “No, you gam doodled hipnotist, thems opticle ilusions, but mine was real, sure enough, flesh and blood tools.”