THE NEW BOOK OF NONSENSE

By Anonymous

Contribution to the Great Central Fair
In Aid of the Sanitary Commission
Asmead and Evans
1864

[Original]

A dandy came on from New York,

As pompous and stiff as a stork,

When he said, "if you dont know how to get up a show,"

They just raffled a dandy from York.

[Original]

There lived and Old Maid in the city of Trenton, who to marry a youth,

all her faculties bent on,

She essay'd every art, to inveigle the heart of every young Dandy in Trenton.

[Original]

There was an old King of Dahomey,

Whose realm was more sterile than loamy;

So he bagged little "niggers"

Which he sold at high Jiggers,

To the Yankees who trade at Dahomey.

[Original]

There was a young person of Boston,

And the vaguest of doubts she was tossed on.

Of effect and of cause

She discoursed without pause:

Remarkable person of Boston!

[Original]

There was a young lady who said

"I seldom wear hair on my head;

I carry my locks about in a box,

For such is the fashion" she said.

[Original]

There was ol young lass of Kentucky,

Who tho' little was loyal and plucky:

When her spark turned secesh

Though dear as her flesh.

She drummed him herself from Kentucky.

[Original]

There was a young lady of Cork,

Who partook of her soup with a fork,

"If I eat it like that

I shall never get fat!"

Said this clever young lady of Cork.

[Original]

There was a young lady of Georgia,

Who always admired Lou Borgia,

So she punished her slaves

And danced over their graves,

And was publicly thanked throughout Georgia.

[Original]

There was an old man of the plains,

Who said, "I believe that it rains

So he buttoned his coat, and got into a boat

To wait for a flood on the plains.

[Original]

There was a young Croesus said, "I

Will, whatever you offer me buy"

When a thousand he'd spent, to his banker he went,

And came back with a large supply.

[Original]

There was a young girl who wore bows

Who said, 'if you choose to suppose

This hair is all mine

You are wrong I opine,

And you can't see the length of your nose."

[Original]

There was a young Lady of Lynn,

Who was nothing but bones except skin

So she Wore a false bust,

For says she "well I must,"

This degraded young creature of Lynn.

[Original]

A fine noble fellow is "Bull,"

Of courage and energy full;

But easily led

By a slight cotton thread,

So gentle and mild is our Bull.

[Original]

There was a dear lady of Eden,

Who on apples was quite, fond of feedin,

So she gave one to Adam,

Who said, "thank you madam."

And so they both skedaddled from Eden.

[Original]

There was an old miser who said, "why

Do you still importune me to buy?"

Because its so funny to handle your money,

That's why we importune you to buy.

[Original]

There was a young female of Zab,

Who was cursed, with the gift of gab,

With her husband she wrangled,

And he had her strangled

By the conjugal custom of Zab.

[Original]

There was an odd man of Woonsocket, who carried bomb-shells in his pocket;

Endeavoring to cough one day-they went off, and of course, up he went like a rocket.

[Original]

There was a young girl of Quebec,

Who dressed very low in the neck,

Her friends said, "that's not decent,"

"Oh! the fashion's quite recent

Said this vulgar young girl of Quebec.

[Original]

An innocent stranger asked, "where

Is the funiest place in the fair."

"Where the Nonsense Book lies" the committee replied,

Is the funniest place in the Fair.

[Original]

There once was a small girl of Chilka, who ran at a cow and would milk her;

But it kicked up its heels and said, "see how it feels!

You meddlesome Matty of Chilka.

[Original]

There was a young man of Calcutta, who eat at his meals too much butter;

Till a very kind niece boiled him down into grease:

Which dissolved this young man of Calcutta.

[Original]

There was an old lady of Norfolk, who always was saying before folk,

I to a mean yankee will never say "thankee," this civil old lady of Norfolk.

[Original]

There was a young person in Maine, who, although undeniably plain,

Was possessed of such "chic," that before she could speak, "she did for"

the "male sect in Maine.

[Original]

There was a young man of Lancaster, who walked ever faster and faster,

Till though he began by 'walking, he ran and galloped all over Lancaster.

[Original]

There was an old party in Rome,

Who kept a house in a very fine dome,

With a spavined old bull

That no longer could pull

The coach of this party in Rome.

[Original]

There was a young man with a rose, who said to his girl, "I suppose

This gift is as pretty as my love she is witty-"

So she courtesied, and forthwith arose.

[Original]

There came a young lady, from Hayti, whose complexion was rather too slaty

Whose hair was too curled, and yet the gay world, paid court to this lady from Hayti.

[Original]

There once were five women of Wells, who thought themselves terrible belles;

They never could wald, but the people would talk,

And dilate on these beauties of Wells.

[Original]

There was an old lady of Venezuela,

So ill that no physician could heal her,

She called her kind "nuss"

"A sleepy old cuss,"

This morbid old lady of Venezuela.

[Original]

There was an old man and his wife, who lived in the bitterest strife;

He opened the stove, and pushed her in with a shove,

And cried, "there! you pest of my life."

[Original]

There was a young student at Yale, Who became thin, abstracted and pale;

His friends said it was drinking, He declared it was thinking,

But one can't believe students at Yale.

[Original]

There was a young woman of Zug, who said "do I see a huge bug?

With my heel will I try to make this thing die,

Which might sting all my kinsman of Zug."

[Original]

There was a fine lady of Metz, continually surrounded by pets:

Two cats very small, and three dogs rather tall,

With which she would walk about Metz.

[Original]

There was an old man of the Niger, who was savagely chased by a tiger;

When he climbed up a palm, and remained there all calm;