“THE POST-OFFICE IS IN THE HEART OF AN OLD HOLLOW OAK TREE”

THE LOVER’S BAEDEKER

AND

GUIDE TO ARCADY

BY

CAROLYN WELLS

WITH TWENTY ILLUSTRATIONS AND A COVER

BY A. D. BLASHFIELD AND MAPS BY

GEORGE W. HOOD

NEW YORK

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY

PUBLISHERS

Copyright, 1912, by

Frederick A. Stokes Company

All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign

languages, including the Scandinavian

THE•PLIMPTON•PRESS

[W•D•O]

NORWOOD•MASS•U•S•A

THIS GUIDE BOOK

IS DEDICATED

TO ANNA WAITT

A TOURIST

CONTENTS

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

THE LOVER’S BAEDEKER AND

GUIDE TO ARCADY

ARCADY AND ITS ENVIRONS

PRELIMINARY INFORMATION

Over the hills and far away lies Arcady, the Mecca of all Lovers, and therefore the place where Journeys End. Situated on a large tract of enchanted ground, in the Country of Agapemone, Arcady is a beautiful and interesting place, and should be visited by every tourist making the Grand Tour of Life.

Even the shortest sojourn here will yield rich rewards of interest and pleasure, and will contribute more than long years of study to a thorough enjoyment and comprehension of all that is best in life.

The majority of the human race sooner or later find Arcady for themselves, some seeking it with a steadfast purpose, others blindly stumbling into it all unexpectedly.

But to the traveler who would enjoy intelligently its delights, the following hints may not come amiss.

ARCADIA

TOPOGRAPHY

The Province of Arcadia, whose capital is Arcady (see map No. 1), is bounded on the North by the Land of Heart’s Desire, from which it is separated by the Happy Valley.

On the East it is bounded by the Gulf of Time, across which dimly may be seen, in the distance, the Garden of Eden.

On the West by the Mountains of Opposition, beyond which is the Gulf of Dark Despair.

Along the Southern Shores murmur the lapping wavelets of the Sea of Dreams, whose wonderful phenomenon of Mirage often deceives even an experienced traveler.

Routes: Travelers may approach Arcady by several routes. One of the pleasantest is the Joy Line, by which passengers are carried across the Sea of Dreams in Transports of Rapture.

“ACROSS THE SEA OF DREAMS IN TRANSPORTS OF RAPTURE”

Another approach, preferred by adventurous ones in search of excitement, is across the Seas of Misunderstanding, through the troubled waters of the Gulf of Wo, and over the difficult and well-nigh impassable Mountains of Opposition. However, when these mountains are safely crossed the way is delightful and easy.

“THE TROUBLED WATERS OF THE GULF OF WO”

Roads out of Arcady: The Road to Fame often leads out of Arcady. An ambitious youth, hearing a silvery trumpet note, looks up to see a radiant Goddess beckoning to him. Unless a true Lover, he may be dazzled by her glory and cajoled by her promises. Lured away, he follows the fickle Fair and soon loses all interest in Arcadian delights.

The Road to Wealth is another easy way out of Arcady. Not content with the Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow, many with a greed for lucre will follow the Goddess Fortune, who is even more false and fickle than the Goddess Fame.

“A RADIANT GODDESS BECKONING TO HIM”

Also there is the Downward Path, which leads from the State of Matrimony to the Great Divide. Crossing this, the unfortunate traveler returns to the State of Single Blessedness.

“MANY WITH A GREED FOR LUCRE WILL FOLLOW THE GODDESS FORTUNE”

Season: Arcady is an all-the-year-round resort, and most of the districts described may be visited at any season of the year. Spring and Early Summer are perhaps best for an initial visit.

June is an especially desirable time for young lovers to be in Arcady, but Lovelorn Swains and Minor Poets frequently choose the melancholy days of Autumn.

Climate: The Climatic conditions of Arcady are peculiar. Though usually the weather is balmy and pleasant, sometimes a sudden coolness springs up and a frost is often distinctly felt. A stormy time may ensue, and then suddenly the clouds clear away and all is sunshine once more.

Time: Time in Arcady is entirely a matter of opinion. To a waiting Lover the minutes are hours and lag slowly along, while to happy hearts a golden day flies by as if on wings.

It is said that Love makes Time pass away, and Time makes Love pass away; but the latter statement is obviously an error, for after Love has made Time pass away, how can Time do anything to Love?

However, ’tis Love that makes the world go round, and this explains why Love makes Time pass so rapidly.

“’TIS LOVE THAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND”

THE OLD CLOCK ON THE STAIRS

“FOREVER ——— NEVER

NEVER ———FOREVER”

Watches are of little use in Arcady, as the Lovers deem them always too slow or too fast, and usually forget to wind them, anyway. The town timepiece is the Old Clock on the Stairs, whose refrain is:

Forever—Never—

Never—Forever—

Forever and Never are the units of time most employed by Arcadians, and their meanings are synonymous.

Time when Lovers are separated is measured by ages; when together, it is not measured at all, as then the hours unheeded fly, or speed on winged feet.

Sun dials and Moon dials are approved, as they mark the bright hours only.

TIME’S VALENTINE

’Twas St. Valentine’s Day, and Father Time

Said, “I think I’ll scribble a bit o’ rhyme,

To send to the sweetest maid on earth.”

And the old fellow chuckled in roguish mirth.

He reached for his inkhorn and quill, then said,

As he absently nodded his wise old head,

“But what maiden is gentle and sweet and fine

Enough to be my Valentine?

There’s a musical girl in Kalamazoo,—

But I hear she beats Time, so she won’t do;

There’s a fair New York girl, proud and calm,

But they say she kills Time without a qualm!

A pretty clubwoman I saw one day,

But ‘I won’t have Time,’ I heard her say.

For one of those summer girls I yearn;

But they declare they ‘have Time to burn.’

There are lovely girls in a Southern clime,

But they sweetly admit that they waste Time,

While the bustling woman, with manners curt,

Takes Time by the forelock, and that does hurt.

On the Boston maiden I make no claim,

To improve Time seems to be her aim.

And I heard an old spinster contriving a plan

Say, ‘I’ll try to get Time as soon as I can.’

So none of these whom I’ve mentioned yet

A Valentine from Time shall get.

But I’ve in mind a maiden who,

When a fond lover came to woo,

Just blushed and hung down her pretty head,

And ‘Give me Time!’ was all she said.

By Cupid, that’s the maid for me!

To her my Valentine shall be.”

“SUN DIALS AND MOON DIALS ARE APPROVED, AS THEY MARK THE BRIGHT HOURS ONLY”

Calendar: The Arcadian Calendar is entirely made up of Red-Letter Days.

In the Spring the Young Man’s Fancy follows the vernal tradition.

The Summer is entirely given over to the Summer Girl’s flirtations.

In the Autumn a delicious Melancholy is in the air and Arcadians experience

A feeling of sadness and longing

That is not akin to wo;

And resembles sorrow only

As a Poet resembles a Poe.

In Winter come the Halcyon Days, and all are glad and merry and Life is one grand, sweet song and dance.

Many Fête Days are observed.

Christmas receives due consideration, but St. Valentine’s Day and All Hallowe’en are even more widely celebrated in Arcady.

April First, or All Fools’ Day, is not specially observed, except in Fool’s Paradise, where it is April Fools’ Day all the year round.

Midsummer Eve and the Eve of St. Agnes are dear to Lovers, and as every day is Somebody’s Birthday, there are celebrations continually. Mayday, too, is a pleasant occasion, and on that day there are May-parties all over the place, for Arcady is a Land where it is always Saturday Afternoon.

THE LAY OF LOTHARIO LEE

Lothario Lee was saddened, the world seemed grim and gray;

For Lothario Lee was a lover bold, and today was St. Valentine’s Day.

’Twas St. Valentine’s Day, and he fain would send his heart to the fair Florelle,

For the radiant maid had inspired in his breast a passion he could not quell.

But alas! for the gay Lothario, his heart was held in fee

Down at Dan Cupid’s pawnshop, at the sign of the roses three.

Willingly would the lovelorn knight that errant heart reclaim,

But alas! the luckless Lothario hadn’t a cent to his name.

So he sadly sat and pondered, as doleful as he could be;

When a brilliant notion struck him—“Done!” cried Lothario Lee.

“I’ll send her the pawnshop ticket, my tale of wo ’twill tell,

For she alone can redeem my heart—the rich and rare Florelle.”

He sent her the tell-tale ticket, he scribbled a hasty line,

Bidding her call at Dan Cupid’s shop and claim her valentine.

And as she read the message, in the soul of the fair Florelle

A joyful thought rang merrily, like a far-away marriage bell.

With her heart in a frantic flutter, adown the street sped she,

Till she reached Dan Cupid’s pawnshop, at the sign of the roses three.

Cupid sat at a work-bench, mending a broken dart;

“I am Florelle,” said she, “and I come to claim Lothario’s heart.

“Here is the ticket, Cupid; what are the ransom fees?

See, I will pay you the money; give me the heart, if you please.”

“But I am blind,” said Cupid, “I cannot see the name;

Describe the heart you are looking for, and so make good your claim.”

“Lothario’s heart,” said the lady, “is brave and knows no fear.”

“Alas!” said Cupid, dejectedly, “no such heart is here.”

“His heart,” said the lady, further, “is honest, and good, and true.”

“No,” said Dan Cupid, wofully, “not one of these hearts will do.”

“His heart to me is single, it beats for me alone.”

“Come, come,” cried Cupid, “impossible! Such hearts I’ve never known.

“The best in my collection has been mended once or twice,

But here’s a heart that may suit you, if you’re willing to pay the price.

“It’s a heart that is sad and lonely, a trifle hard and cold,

It seems to be rather scarred and worn—in fact, it’s getting old.

“It’s somewhat fickle and jealous, a bit impatient, too;

And it’s branded with several maidens’ names—Coralie, Rose, and Loo.”

“Why, that’s the very heart I want,” said the lady, “give it to me;

That’s the one I’ve been describing to you, the heart of Lothario Lee.”

As she left the shop in triumph, said Cupid, “I seem to find

Each day a more convincing fact to prove that Love is blind.”

Money: Money is of little use in Arcady. Those who are rich spend their money lavishly, but the poor get along just as well, and often better.

The principal coins of the Realm are the Lucky Penny and the Last Red Cent.

Credit can always be had at the Arcadian Shops, and is extended as often as desired.

Custom House: Hearts, especially if inflammable, are dutiable articles, and should be declared as such.

Worn on the sleeve, they are easily examined by the Inspector, though a dishonest smuggler has sometimes gone ashore with his heart in his boots.

Hearts are appraised by weight, so heavy hearts should be avoided and light hearts should be carried whenever possible.

Broken hearts are not dutiable, unless they have been repaired and are quite as good as new.

CUSTOM HOUSE
“PASSIONS SHOULD ALWAYS BE DECLARED”

Stolen hearts may be confiscated by the Customs Inspectors and returned to their original owners. Stony hearts are exempt.

Passions should always be declared.

Keepsakes and souvenirs are not dutiable and need not be shown.

CUPID’S FAILURE

Cupid, one day, in idle quest,

Fitted a dainty dart

And aimed it at Priscilla’s breast,

To strike Priscilla’s heart.

Clean through it went, no heart was there;

Said Cupid, “I believe

Priscilla’s just the girl to wear

Her heart upon her sleeve.”

But there, alack! it was not found;

“Aha!” cried Cupid, “note

Her frightened air; now I’ll be bound

Her heart is in her throat.”

Failure again. On slender chance

He one more arrow shoots;

Assuming from her downcast glance,

Her heart is in her boots.

Foiled, Cupid threw aside his bow;

“She has no heart,” said he.

(He did not know that long ago

She gave her heart to me.)

HISTORY

The early history of Arcady is lost in the mists of ancient tradition. Looking backward through the reversed Opera Glass of Time, we see that it was originally settled by Adam and Eve. Since then it has been peopled by lovers of every age, sex, and condition of servitude.

These people are usually gentle and mild-mannered, though occasionally given to angry or quarrelsome outbreaks caused by jealousy or misunderstanding. These outbreaks, however, are indulged in mostly for the pleasure of kissing and making up afterward, and forgiveness is one of their chief characteristics.

The Arcadians are not gregarious, but go about in couples, or sit solitary and alone, wrapt in rapt thought.

The male population is divided into Lovers, Poets, and Lunatics. There are various types of Lovers—those that sigh like a furnace, those that are pale and wan, and Swains.

Swains are usually Rustic or Lovelorn.

Feminine Arcadians are called Queens, Goddesses, Angels, and other titles of incredible foolishness.

In physical appearance dwellers in Arcady are beautiful beyond all words. The women have eyes as stars of twilight fair, faces with gardens in, lily hands, amber-dropping hair, and feet like little mice.

The men are handsome as Apollos; of heroic size and Chesterfieldian manners.

The above-mentioned qualities, though not always apparent to the disinterested observer, are realized and insisted upon by the Lovers themselves.

Oftenest the Citizens of Arcady are transients and come and go as circumstances decree, but in some rare instances a happy pair spend their whole life in Arcady, or wander through the Happy Valley and make their home in the Land of Heart’s Desire.

AN ARCADY GIRL

His gold beams a-spinning, I asked of the sun

If he ever had any to spare;

“Only once,” he replied, “too many I spun,

And I gave them to Peggy for hair.”

I asked of the sky if his stars were all right,

Or if he had over-supplies;

He said, “I had two which were rather too bright,

So I gave them to Peggy for eyes.”

I asked of some fays who were cutting out flowers

If they had any remnants or snips;

They said: “We had scraps of these poppies of ours,

But we gave them to Peggy for lips.”

I said to the rain, “What becomes of the drops

That you may not have used when it clears?”

He said, “If there are any left when it stops,

I’ll give them to Peggy for tears.”

I artfully coaxed him to spill them all out,

And scatter them over the miles,

And that is the reason, I haven’t a doubt,

That Peg’s always dimpling with smiles.

UNDER A NEW CHARTER

Hello! Come in! I called you, Cupid,

To take this box. Handle with care!

Look out! don’t be so careless, Stupid;

I’d have you know my heart’s in there.

Take it at once, boy, to Miss Kitty,

And say it is a valentine.

How happy she’ll look, and how pretty,

When she discovers it is mine!

Tell her for her my heart is yearning,

And then, unless my judgment errs,

By the same messenger returning

I rather think she’ll send me hers.

What, Cupid, are you back already?

And bringing me Miss Kitty’s heart?

Open it quickly! Stay, be steady!

What’s this? A neatly printed chart!

“No spaces left at my disposal—

Possibly some vacated soon;

But I have filed your kind proposal.

Come up and call some afternoon.”

And here her heart is designated—

What seas of dreams! what flowery isles!

The boundaries all distinctly stated,

And measured by a scale of smiles.

A large tract’s given to her poodle;

A smaller one contains her cat;

Here is the claim of Lord Fitznoodle;

Here her expensive picture-hat.

Here I observe her mother’s quarters;

This large compartment is her dad’s;

Here Revolutionary Daughters,

And here her clubs and freaks and fads.

Here is enshrined her baby cousin,

And here that Count with whom she flirts;

Here are male tenants by the dozen

(They’re only friends, so she asserts).

This corner’s occupied by Irving,

This by her pearl and turquoise pin;

Although I know I am deserving,

I don’t see how I can get in.

ARCADIA

The province of Arcadia proper, the country between the Sea of Dreams and the Land of Heart’s Desire (see map No. 2), is a large district with well-defined boundaries.

The natural scenery is delightful, being chiefly made up of flowery meads and sylvan dells threaded by murmuring or babbling brooks.

The River Lethe flows through the country, at one point dashing over a precipice in a great Cataract. This is known as Lover’s Leap and is, at times, the scene of fearful tragedies.

Despairing Swains threaten to end their lives by dashing into the seething waters, unless their capricious sweethearts will smile on them.

As the sweethearts usually smile, death rarely, if ever, ensues.

Near the middle of the Country of Arcadia is its capital, the town of Arcady, which is described elsewhere.

Toward the Northwest lies Lotus Land, the land where it is always afternoon, where the charmed sunset lingers low adown in the red West.

LAND OF HEARTS DESIRE—ARCADY and its Environs