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Concerning

(Poorness of Blood.)
IN MEN AND WOMEN,
BY THE LATE
DR. ANDREW WILSON.

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A HUMOROUS
HISTORY OF ENGLAND

TOLD AND PICTURED
BY
C. HARRISON

Published by
WARRICK & BIRD,
4, Nile Street, London, N.1.
1920.

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BOADICEA.

Preface
“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;
But we propose in lighter vein

To browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)
Of England’s Evolution scenes.

Who would from facts prognosticate
The future progress of this State,

Must own the chiefest fact to be
Her escalator is the Sea.

Prehistoric
HISTORIANS erudite and sage,
When writing of the past stone age,

Tell us man once was clothed in skins
And tattooed patterns on his shins.

Rough bearded and with shaggy locks
He lived in dug-outs in the rocks.

Was often scared and run to earth
By creatures of abnormal girth:

Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell
We find their names too long to spell.

He joined in little feuds no doubt;
And with his weapons fashioned out

Of flint, went boldly to the fray;
And cracked a skull or two per day.

Druids
WE read of priests of Celtic day,
Ancient Druids, holding sway

By smattering of Occult law
And man’s eternal sense of awe.

Stonehenge
They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain
Reputed Prehistoric Fane;

Note each megalithic boulder;
No Monument in Europe’s older.

Phœnicians
MERCHANT explorers of that day,
Hustling Phœnicians, came this way

To ship tin ore from Cornish mines
Three thousand years before these lines.

But still in spite of petty strife
Man lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’

Julius Cæsar B.C. 55
Till Julius Cæsar in five-five
With his galleys did arrive.

He wrote despatches of the best,
‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,

Sending the news of victory home;
And flags then fluttered high in Rome.

His ‘photo’ one plain fact discloses
He brought in fashion Roman noses.

Of this great General ’tis allowed
The best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.

Boadicea A.D. 62
Boadicea earns our praise.
First woman leader in those days;

For Freedom strove all she could do,
’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.

Agricola
Then came Agricola one day
And gained a battle near the Tay.

He started trimming up this isle,
And laid out roads in Roman style.

East, North, South, West, it’s safe to say
His handiwork is traced to-day.

The Natives too were taught to know
By busy merchants’ constant flow

The wisdom that great Empire held;
Their ignorance was thus dispelled.

Romans left A.D. 410
About four hundred-ten A.D.
The Romans left sans cérémonie.

Can it be wondered at when Rome
Was needing help ’gainst Huns at home.

Our antiquarians often find
The relics which they left behind;

A Villa here and pavement there,
Coins galore and Roman ware.

Anglo-Saxons A.D. 430
AND so we run our flippant rhymes
Right on to Anglo-Saxon times.

Hengist and Horsa with their men
Came from their Jutish pirate den,

Jutes
And paid us visits in their ships
Bent on their ruthless looting trips.

And Angles landing in the Humber
Gave that district little slumber.

They plundered morning, noon, and night,
Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,

No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’
They came to rob, remained to prey.

Horsa 455
Horsa was slain in four-five-five,
Leaving Hengist still alive

To live out his allotted term,
Surviving partner of the Firm.

King Arthur
Time has many a fable wound
About King Arthur’s table round,

Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,
And told their little fairy tales.

Augustine 597
About six hundred years A.D.
To teach us Christianity

Came Augustine. Wondrous Story;
Canterbury’s Pile his glory.

Heptarchy 827
Called ‘Heptarchy’ the seven Saxon
States each other made attacks on;

After four hundred years they’d striven
They coalesced in eight-two-seven.

Alfred 872–901
OF good King Alfred we’ve all heard
How when hiding he incurred

A lady’s anger for not taking
Care of Cakes which she was baking.

(Most probably she left the King
While she went out a-gossiping.)

Before he died in nine-nought-one,
Old England’s Navy had begun.

He laid a tax on every town
To aid his fleet to gain renown.

He was the best of Saxon Kings
And did a lot of useful things;

Built Oxford with its noble spires
And mapped out England into Shires.

Danes 783
IN seven-eight-three first came the Danes
Who caused the Saxons aches and pains.

They sailed right up our rivers broad,
Putting the natives to the sword.

“Danegeld” 991
For centuries our sadly fated
Towns by them were devastated.

Etheldred the ‘Unready Toff’
By ‘Danegeld’ tries to buy them off.

Canute 1014–1036
TWO hundred years the raiding Danes
Came over. Then their Canute reigns.

We’ll merely mention that he tried
An object lesson with the tide.

Hardicanute 1039–1041
Hardicanute, sad to confess,
Died from drinking to excess.

He couldn’t conquer love of wine
And with him went the Danish line.

Edward the Confessor 1041–1066
EDWARD the Confessor staid
The Saxon line renewed. Remade

At Westminster the Abbey grand,
And signed the first ‘Will’ in this land.

And since his time (’tis not refuted)
Scores of Wills have been disputed.

Ah! legal quibbles such as these
Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.

Harold 1066
HAROLD last of the Saxon line
At Hastings made an effort fine

And lost his life—it was to be,
Crushed by the men of Normandy.

From Scandinavia they’d come,
And made fair Normandy their home;

William the Conquerer 1066–1087
Whence William spying out our shore,
Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.

In ten-six-six he won the day
In that tough fight out Hastings way.

Of course, no record in our reach,
Depicts ‘ole Bill’ thus on the beach.

William the Conquerer 1066–1087
BUT one thing’s certain. Camera men,
If only they’d existed then,

Would have journeyed many a mile
To ‘snap’ King William’s happy smile.

They made him King and schoolbooks say
He ruled with arbitrary sway;

Demanding with sharp battle axes
Instant payment of big taxes.

Curfew
And p’raps it’s just as well to tell
He introduced the Curfew Bell;

So at the early hour of eight
Each doused his glim, raked out his grate.

In bed at eight P.M. each day
Life was but sombre, dull and grey;

No cutting fancy ball room capers,
No Cinemas or evening papers.

He was a bully it is true,
But to allow him his just due

He made reforms; he also took
In hand the bulky Doomsday book.

IN William’s time we’re glad to write
People began to be polite;

Ladies curtseyed to their beaux,
Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.

The Jews
The Jews he introduced from Spain
Bringing much knowledge in their train

Of Arts and Science; but ‘Longshanks’
Expelled them with no word of thanks.

Feudalism
These were the well known Feudal days,
Tenants were slaves in many ways

To mighty Lords who owned the land
And ruled them with an iron hand.

Not free from duties were the Lords,
The King could call upon their swords

And men to fight in time of need.
So feudal laws of old decreed.

William Rufus 1087–1100
WILLIAM Rufus or the ‘Red’
In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;

This may be; but we know, alack,
Though he was red his deeds were black.

Crusades 1095
The first Crusade in ten-nine-five,
A million men, a very hive,

Swarm to the East, the Holy plain
From the Mohammedans to gain.

Henry I. 1100–1135
HENRY the First, of wisdom rife,
Saxon Matilda makes his wife,

Saxon and Norman line uniting,
A learned chap who loved not fighting.

Stephen 1135–1154
STEPHEN of Blois ascends the throne
And ’gainst Matilda holds his own;

Grandson of the Conqueror;
Died in eleven-fifty-four.

Henry II. 1154–1189
HENRY the Second claims our rhyme
‘The hardest worker of his time’;

A wiser King we never had
Nor father with his sons so bad.

Becket
This the first ‘Plantagenet’ King
With Becket strove like anything;

Church v. Crown
Which should be Master, Church or Crown
Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.

Thomas was murdered by four Knights
On steps of Altar—Sorry wights:

With bleeding feet the King atones
By pilgrimage to Becket’s bones.

Despite his struggles with the Church
He knocked the barons off their perch,

Fifteen hundred Castles razing
In a manner quite amazing.

Law
Trial by jury further grows;
The King’s Court in this reign arose;

Our Parliaments from this proceed
And all our other Courts indeed.

Linen
Linen’s first used in twelve-five
Woollens alone in vogue before.

Glass Windows
In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass
The novelty of window glass.

And doubtless playful little boys
Full of children’s simple joys,

Cracked as our youngsters often do
With stones or ball a pane or two.

Richard Cœur de Lion 1189–1199
Cœur de Lion from one Crusade
Returning was a prisoner made.

But Blondel played an Air he knew,
The King joined in; Voilà the clue.

This catchy tune in a pleasant key
Opened the door to liberty.

John 1199–1216
AND so we’ll quickly journey on
Until we reach the reign of John;

A King whose list of crimes was heavy;
He treated badly his young ‘Nevvy’.

Magna Charta 1215
He signed the Magna Charta. Yes;
In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess

With much ill grace and many a twist;
For King John wrote an awful fist.

John loses Normandy to France
And by this beneficial chance

In England comes amalgamation;
Normans and Saxons form one Nation

Robin Hood
And now we come to Robin Hood,
The Forest bandit of Sherwood,

A popular hero much belauded
But not by folks whom he’d defrauded.

There’s no need to descant upon
His boon companion ‘Little John’;

Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblown
He tipped the scale at fifteen stone.

Henry III. 1216–1272
AND what of Henry number Three,
The King who suffered poverty?

It’s very awkward we must own
To be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne;

To have to scrape up an amount
To pay the butcher on account,

Or ask a dun in Kingly way
To kindly call some other day.

Coinage 1257
In twelve-five-seven it is stated
Gold was coined and circulated,

Ha’pence and farthings just before;
In those times worth a great deal more.

Langton Died 1228
The Bible which from over seas
Had no chapters and no verses

Was by Archbishop Langton’s skill
Divided as we use it still.

Why was it Henry III. allowed
At court a huge rapacious crowd

To drain his coffers nearly dry
Flattering with cajolery?

Astrology
MANY simple folk, (it’s queer)
Used to patronise the seer

And pay cash down for magic spell
Perchance a Horoscope as well.

Or open wide at special rate
That musty tome the Book of Fate;

Or seek the Philtre’s subtle aid
To win the hand of some fair maid.

We mus’nt miss the Troubadours
Who went forth on their singing tours,

Twanging harps and trilling lays
To maids of medieval days.

And Oh! the right good merry times
With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,

Hobby horses gaily prancing,
Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.

When folks would take a lengthy journey
To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:

Or watch the early English ‘Knuts’
Show their skill at Archery butts.

Then come gloomy History pages
On torture of the Middle ages;

The clanking fetters grim and black,
The thumbscrew and the awful rack,

The horrors of the dungeon deep
Beneath the moat or castle keep,

Rusty locks and heavy keys
And—let us change the subject, please.

First House of Commons twelve-six-five,
At Westminster they all arrive.

Simon de Montfort 1265
Simon de Montfort was the man
Who ‘engineered’ this useful plan.

And we can picture these M.P.s
Newly fledged and ill at ease

Doing their level best to try
To catch the embryo speaker’s eye.

Edward I. 1272–1307
EDWARD First ‘Longshanks’ nicknamed
For his lengthy stride far-famed.

Here he is in twelve-seven-two
Bounding along with much ado.

A Soldier, Statesman and a King
His lofty ideals picturing

That England, Scotland, Wales all three,
United should one country be.

First Prince of Wales 1282
In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;
Where afterwards no strife prevails.

He promised a Prince with English
So gave his new-born speechless son.

Edward I. 1272–1307 (continued)
NEXT Scotland Edward tries to tackle
No easy task the Scotch to shackle;

Wallace and Bruce resistance make,
The King dies ere he gains the stake.

In Edward’s reign some author writes
They first used candle dips for lights;

And coal came in about this date
Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.

So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights
Warmed their toes with Derby Brights;

But those in hovels had the smuts
Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.

Roger Bacon 1293
Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three)
Versed was in arts of alchemy;

Gunpowder’s composition knew;
And many another chemic brew.

Many Mortmain Acts are passed;
Six centuries these efforts last

To stop the hungry Hierarchy
Devouring all the Squirearchy.

Lollards 1307
Lollards in thirteen-seven arose
Popish rituals to oppose;

John Wycliffe gives to old and young
The Bible in the vulgar tongue.

With John of Gaunt’s protection strong
He dared to preach ’gainst cleric wrong;

Precursor of the Reformation
To liberal thought attuned the nation.

Edward II. 1307–1327
EDWARD the Second with his minions
Governs badly these dominions

Edward III. 1327–1377
His son a man of different mould
Was Edward Three, both wise and bold.

Through clinging to their French domains
Our Kings are French through many reigns

And Edward fighting in this cause
Commenced a hundred years of Wars.

A century’s struggle. For our pains
Only Calais town remains.

French Wars
A century after this ’twas lost,
In Mary’s reign. Oh! what a frost.

Weaving 1331
In thirteen-three-one England’s taught
Weaving by men from Flanders brought.

Ryghte goode cloth with lots of ‘body’
The world was then not up to ‘shoddy.’

Blanket of Bristol in this year
Invented blankets for our cheer;

And since that time its been our boast
Our beds have been as warm as toast.

Edward ‘Black Prince’ One-three-four-six,
A brave and noble warrior, ‘licks’

Crecy 1346
The valiant French in Crecy’s fray;
Cannon first used upon this day,

Causing panic with their rattle;
But the Yeomen win the battle,

For, flicking arrows from their bows
They ‘filled the air as when it snows.’

Thereon the English Calais seize
And of the channel hold the keys;

The Spanish pirates bend the knee
Then Edward III’s ‘King of the sea.’

Parliament 1376
Lords and Commons from this date
Have their meetings separate,

The Commons first a Speaker make
The Chancellors the Woolsack take.

Ten lady members have the Lords
But doubtless fearful of their words,

Or thinking it not orthodoxy,
They only let them vote by proxy.

While Church and Barons have their squabbles
The House of Commons more power nobbles;

On laws and taxes dares speak out
And give the Pope the right-about.

Leasing
LEASING or Farming, we are taught,
Was introduced ’bout twelve-nought-nought;

The Feudal system’s weakened and
The Tenants ‘usufruct’ the land.

On various counts the serfs go free
And work for wages (Edward Three).

The Black Death and the foreign wars
In labour ranks commotion cause;

Strikes and craftsmen’s combination
Then arise among the nation;

These movements preached by one John Ball,
Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.

Richard II. 1377–1399
NOW comes the Second Richard’s reign.
It is recorded very plain

That he was full of discontent
Quarrelling with his Parliament.

Poll Tax 1380
With his taxes super-sated
The peasants grew exasperated;

They threw their spades and pitchforks down
And marched as rebels into town.

Thirteen-eighty’s Poll taxation
Puts equal tax on all the nation;

Lays seven thousand peasants dead;
Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.

Præmunire
Præmunire Act is passed
To check the Papal Bulls at last.

Chaucer
Chaucer the Poet this same year
Makes Pilgrimage to Becket’s bier.

Age of Chivalry
This was the age, aye verily,
Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,

When Knights went forth through storm and stress
To rescue beauty in distress.

Or sallied out in valiant way
A monster dragon for to slay,

Or with lance or trusty blade
Defend from harm the hapless maid.

Henry IV. 1399–1413
HENRY Four, called ‘Bolingbroke’
In Richard’s wheel puts many a spoke;

Compels him to resign the throne
Which thereupon he makes his own.

Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed,
His title to the crown he claimed;

The Parliament confirms his right
And thus he’s king without a fight.

Lollards 1401
In this reign persecution’s turned
Against the Lollards—Cobham’s burned.

Incredible! The records show
A statute ‘de Comburondo.’

Henry V. 1413–1422
FROM fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five,
For many years with France did strive;

His Widow founds the Tudor House
By taking Owen for her spouse.

Henry VI. 1422–1461
HENRY Six, next in our rhymes,
For fifty years had troublous times;

Wars of Roses, Wars with France,
The poor man never had a chance.

Joan of Arc 1430
Joan of Arc the peasant Maid
Inspired the French with Mystic aid;

Disunited, we make peace,
All France but Calais we release.

Constantinople 1453
Constantinople’s seized by Turks
Causing Greek Scholars (with their works)

To fly to Italy; and thence
Learning’s reborn—‘The Renaissance.’

Edward IV. 1461–1483
IN Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one
The House of York obtains the Throne.

He wins at Towton’s bloody fray,
No quarter given on that day.

Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays
Was always turning different ways;

Barnet 1471
On Barnet Field he met his doom
The Rose of York’s now well abloom.

The Barons, Church and Commons fall,
The King emerges Boss of all.

Benevolences he exacts,
An early form of Super Tax.

Earl of Warwick
‘Kingmaker’ was Earl Warwick styled
With his manner scarcely mild

He set Kings up and bowled them down
Playing at ninepins with the Crown.

Wars of Roses 1485
White and Red Rose warring madly
Bled the country very sadly,

Three-and-thirty years contending;
At Bosworth Field we see the ending.

Printing 1473
First in fourteen-seventy-three
We print from type in this Countree.

Now it is that time’s first measured
By monster watches greatly treasured.

Thomas Parr this centurie
His hundred-fifty years did see;

But Henry Jenkins, so ’tis said,
In age was seventeen years ahead.

Hoary patriarchs were these
Retaining p’raps their faculties;

What a comfort ’tis to mention
Neither drew the old age pension.

PRINTING started through the Nation
A taste for higher education;

Here is a citizen at home;
Note his very brainy Dome.

Richard III. 1483–1485
RICHARD (Crookback) in fateful hour
Smothered his nephews in the Tower,

He murdered them the Crown to gain;
A heavy price for three years’ reign.

The Scutcheon’s blotted terribly
Of this King Richard number Three,

For it seems his recreation
Was ordering decapitation.

1485
On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed
He made a bid th’uncommonest

‘My kingdom for a horse’ he cried;
No offers coming, there he died.