PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE

PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE

BY N. C.
TWENTIETH THOUSAND
Entirely Re-written and
Enlarged
CHICAGO
A. FLANAGAN.

Copyright,
1899,
By A. FLANAGAN

PREFACE.

The very extensive sale of Practical Etiquette, a sale that has required the issuance of a large number of editions of the little manual, has been very gratifying to its author, as was also the commission of its publisher to re-write and enlarge the work. This commission, however, brought with it a keen sense of responsibility, for the author feels that a new work on etiquette can find a raison d’être only in a fairly successful attempt at answering practically every question that can arise concerning social relations, at least in ordinary social life. But to speak with authority on all matters of “good form” is to speak dogmatically, and so to speak is in itself not good form. Nevertheless, and in spite of this dilemma, the author has attempted herein to decide, when compelled to do so, between conflicting opinions in mere matters of social custom, and has given as authority the opinion that seemed to her to conform most nearly to common sense, embodying such opinion in an unqualified statement without citing authority. Fortunately, social customs are now so nearly uniform in all parts of the country, that one familiar with the ways of good society in the West or in the North, is at home in good society in the East or in the South.

The author is under obligation to so many persons for suggestions and advice, as well as to many authors, that it does not seem best to give a list of the same, especially as such list could be only a partial one, for many of her friends would not desire mention of their names.

N. C.

Dec. 1, 1899.

CONTENTS.

INTRODUCTION.

“True politeness is to do and say

The kindest thing in the kindest way.”

If civil law is the outgrowth of regard for other people’s rights, social law is equally the outgrowth of regard for other people’s feelings and convenience. Social law is kindness and good-will and the desire to be agreeable codified. A system of so much importance cannot be unworthy of consideration.

The very essence of good manners is self-possession, and self-possession is another name for self-forgetfulness. Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion, but in the mind. A high sense of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of another, and an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness towards those with whom one may have dealings, are the essential and distinguishing characteristics of a gentleman.

Quietness in all things is an essential element to a well-bred person. He shuns all outward display of his personality; he cares not to be seen or heard; he eschews noisy and grandiloquent talk; he avoids showy and noticeable costumes. His voice is low; his words simple; and his actions grave. He holds himself habitually under restraint; his words never seem to vibrate with emotion.

Habits are said to be good or bad as the result of actions that are right or wrong. A man of good habits is one who has for so long a time practiced right thinking, speaking, and doing, that he acts properly from force of habit.

Good manners are not to be put on for particular occasions, like fine clothes, but they should be one’s second nature. The simpler and more easy and unconstrained one’s manners, the more he will impress people with his good breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks of vulgarity.

CHAPTER I.
Introductions, Calls, Cards, Visiting.

“A beautiful behavior gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts.”—Emerson.

INTRODUCTIONS.

In introducing persons, one should be careful to pronounce each name distinctly.

When either name is not perfectly understood, a repetition of it should be requested of the person making the introduction. When introductions are given, it is the man who should be presented to the woman; when two women are introduced, it is the younger who is presented to the elder. For example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, it is Mrs. Smith’s name that is first mentioned. The word “introduce” is preferred to “present.” Informal introductions are given by merely mentioning the names; as, “Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones,” and this is ordinarily sufficient.

In introducing two sisters, the elder is “Miss Smith” and the younger “Miss Virginia Smith.”

When two women are introduced to each other, it is not necessary for either to rise; a bow and a smile from each is sufficient.

A woman does not rise when a man is presented to her, unless he is very old or is a person of great importance. Upon being introduced, a married woman may offer her hand to a man but it is not customary for a young woman to do so.

It is the duty of a man who attends a private entertainment, to have himself presented to every member of the family whom he does not know.

An introduction in the street car is very bad form.

One should never forget that it is difficult, almost impossible, for some people to remember names and faces, and that such people actually suffer from their inability to recognize and call by name persons to whom they may have been introduced recently.

It is not uncommon to see one approach such a person, offer her hand, and say, if there is not an immediate recognition, “I am afraid you do not remember me,” while the person approached stands in agony, and gradually makes an apology for her poor memory, and asks the name.

One who is truly polite, who is at all thoughtful for another person’s feelings, would not be the cause of such a scene. She would prevent it by saying: “I am Mrs. Smith. I had the pleasure of meeting you at Mrs. Brown’s luncheon last Thursday;” or something of the kind.

Whenever one has reason to think his name or face may have been forgotten, he should make himself known, in approaching another person, by giving his name at least.

CALLS.

A first call ought to be returned within a very short time.

A lady when receiving rises as her callers enter, and they immediately advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others.

A man takes any vacant chair, without troubling the hostess to look after him.

A man rises when women with whom he is talking rise to take their leave. Women calling do not rise unless those who are leaving are friends older than themselves.

When taking leave, one ought to choose a moment when there is a lull in the conversation, and then take leave of the hostess, letting one bow include the others in the room.

One month after the birth of a child, a call of congratulation is made by acquaintances.

A call of condolence is made within ten days after the death, if the caller is on intimate terms with the family, or within a month if otherwise.

Calls of congratulation are due to the newly married, and to the parents who gave the invitations to the marriage.

A man invited by a woman to call upon her, cannot, without great discourtesy, neglect to pay the call within a week.

A lady will never keep a caller waiting, without sending word that she will be in immediately.

One ought always to return a call, but if the acquaintance is not desirable, the first call may be the last.

Some women only rise when their callers leave, others accompany them as far as the drawing-room door; but it is always polite for a hostess to accompany her visitors to the front door when they take their leave, if there is not a servant on hand to open the door for them. The best bred hostesses even go so far as to accompany their callers to the elevator in a hotel or an apartment-house. Of course, if one has more than one caller at a time, it would be discourteous to leave the others to accompany one to the door; but, otherwise, it is rude to permit a friend to go to the door alone, and get out as best she may.

A bride who is “At Home after November first,” should make a point of literally staying at home for an hour or two every afternoon during the month of November and the early part of December. She should be dressed to receive callers, and should have some dainty refreshments ready to serve,—tea and sandwiches or cake. After the first week of December the bride may begin to return her calls, calling first on those who first called upon her, and so on.

When the “at home” is a large and formal function, with engraved invitations and all the accessories of hired waiters, an elaborate repast, floral decorations, etc.,—such as a debutante’s coming out, a wedding reception, or a reception to celebrate a wedding anniversary, and other large entertainments of this order,—an after-call is obligatory. But an ordinary “at home” does not demand another call, for instance, the reception or “days” a bride has on her return from her wedding trip, or when she is settled in her new home; or a tea or “days” for which a hostess informally sends the invitations written or engraved on her visiting cards, and receives with little ceremony and serves only a modest menu. On the contrary, the hostess owes a return call to all who attend; and only those who were invited, but were unable to be present, are in debt to her.

The length of time proper for one to stay at an “at home” depends on circumstances. It is always a compliment to one’s hostess to make a long visit at “a day”, for it implies that one is having a pleasant time; but nobody should stay long enough to be a burden on the hostess’s hospitality, or to detain her from her other guests. If one finds that she does not know any one present, or if she is not introduced to a congenial person with whom she can have a pleasant chat, it would be wise for her to leave after a conventional ten or fifteen minutes’ call.

The calling code demands that soon after a second caller is announced, the caller who was first present shall take leave of the hostess. The reason for this rule is obvious: visitor number one has already had a little time of uninterrupted tête-à-tête with the hostess before visitor number two appeared, and he or she should generously retire first, so that visitor number two may have the same privilege. But while this is the law, it depends somewhat on circumstances whether it is always carried out. If the first caller is an intimate friend of the hostess, and has come to have a long informal talk with her, and the second caller is merely a formal visitor whose obvious intention is to make a ceremonious visit, then the first comer may, with perfect propriety, outstay the other; or if the hostess has particularly asked the former to remain until after the latter goes, he may do so, and, of course, if the first visitor has come for some special reason, and the visitor who is announced later interrupts an important conversation, which, for business or other reasons, should be continued, the former is naturally justified in transgressing the calling code. All things being equal, however, it is the place of the first comer to be the first goer; and one must have a very good excuse for outstaying a caller who comes later.

Guests who are invited to attend one large reception which is given for the express purpose of introducing a young woman into society, should make a call after the reception, but if the débutante is introduced at a series of “days,” the callers need call but once, on one of the “days.”

An invitation to any kind of “day” or reception demands a card from a person who is unable to attend the function; and the card should be sent on the day of the reception, even if the invitation to the function has been already answered, and even if an after-call is in order.

When one calls on an acquaintance who is staying with a relative, the caller should ask for the latter (the hostess), even if she does not know her, and she should leave one of her own and one of her husband’s cards for her, as well as one of each for her friend. It is not obligatory to leave two of her husband’s cards for each woman. Even in the most formal visiting, it is optional whether one leaves one or two cards. Probably the hostess will excuse herself altogether; but the caller must show her the courtesy of asking for her.

In making a call it is proper to give one’s card to the servant who opens the door, if it is not a regular reception day; but on such an occasion the card should be left either in the dressing-room or on the hall table in passing out.

In making a formal call ten minutes is quite long enough to stay.

When one is returning visits and driving, it would be in very bad taste to have the coachman get off his box and take the card to the door. It is the woman’s place to deliver her card in person, unless she has a footman to attend to it for her.

In making an evening call a man should appear about half-past eight, and remain an hour. Even if his visit is to the daughter, he should ask for her mother.

It is quite proper, when making calls with a friend, for one to write her name in pencil on her friend’s card, if she has no card of her own with her.

Those women whose households are most modest find that the day “at home” is a great convenience, since, having a special time for receiving one’s friends, all necessary arrangements can be made beforehand, and no embarrassing situations are apt to occur.

When one calls on a friend who lives in a flat, she should, immediately after ringing, call through the tube her name and that of the person she wishes to see.

A man leaves his overcoat, hat, and stick in the hall when making an evening call; when calling in the afternoon he leaves his overcoat in the hall, but carries his hat and stick into the drawing-room with him.

When a daughter is in the parlor, and her mother is entertaining callers, she should rise when her mother does in bidding them good-day.

It is very improper for a young girl who is ill to receive men callers in her room.

CARDS.

When an invitation to a reception is sent in the name of several women, a guest should leave or send cards for all whose names are on the invitation. A woman leaves with her own cards the cards of those members of her family who are unable to call.

A young woman, when calling upon her friends with a young man who is a stranger to them, should send his card with her own to the hostess and other women of the household.

In making formal calls a visitor invariably hands her cards to the servant who opens the door with a card tray in her hand; when calling informally one may simply give her name to the servant at the door, but then leaves no card later.

A married woman, when making formal calls, leaves one of her husband’s and one of her own cards for the hostess and for every other woman she asks for in the house, and one of her husband’s cards, besides, for the host; but, while this is the rule for formal visiting, it is quite permissible for a married woman, when calling on a number of women who reside in the same house, to leave, besides her own and her husband’s for the host and hostess, only one more of each for all the others.

In making formal visits, and subsequent calls after the first formal visit has been made, a married woman need leave only one of her husband’s cards with her own; and in making a call in acknowledgment of an invitation to an entertainment to which she alone was invited,—such as a woman’s luncheon,—she should leave only one of her own.

The fashionable visiting card varies in size; but for a married woman it is generally pure white and very thin, with the name engraved in ordinary script. For a woman who lives in the country, it is in good taste to have the name of her country place put just where, if she were in the city, her town address would be, which is in the left hand lower corner.

If a woman receives “at home” cards for “Tuesdays in February,” and is prevented from calling on any of the Tuesdays, she should send her card in an envelope, either by hand or mail, on the first Tuesday, and call on the hostess at the earliest opportunity on some other day.

A man should use a card engraved, as “Mr. George Wellington Smith,” not omitting the prefix, with the address in one corner, if desired. The size of the card varies from time to time, but it is smaller than a woman’s card.

The names of mother and daughter or daughters are often engraved on one card; as,

MRS. JUDSON BROWN.
MISS ANNA BROWN.

MRS. JUDSON BROWN.
THE MISSES BROWN.

The following is the usual form for an unmarried woman’s card:

MISS MAY BROWN,

It is quite proper for a woman to retain her deceased husband’s name on her visiting cards; as, “Mrs. John Smith.” It is equally proper for her to use “Mrs. Jane Smith” for the purpose.

When a caller is met by the hostess at the door, she should drop her card in the card receiver or leave it on the hall table on her way out. The object of such a card is not to introduce people when visiting, but as a reminder of the visit.

“P. P. C.” cards should be left on the occasion of a long absence (of over three months); on leaving town at the close of the season; on leaving a neighborhood where one has resided for years, or where one has resided for months and sometimes only for weeks, but not when changing houses in the same neighborhood, not even when about to be married, unless one’s future home is to be in another city. The words pour prendre congé signify to take leave.

“R. S. V. P.” means “Repondez s’il vous plait,” which is the French for “Answer, if you please.”

Turning down the corner of a visiting card, meaning that the call was made in person, is no longer in vogue. One might leave her card in person, writing on it “With kind inquiries,” when sickness or death has entered the household of a friend, and thus show a delicate courtesy.

It is proper for a hostess to shake hands with a man visitor on his arrival and at his departure.

It is an evidence of very bad taste for a young woman to send wedding cards to a married man without including his wife’s name, even if she has no acquaintance whatever with her.

A young girl who is not “out” does not have visiting cards. If she is the oldest or only daughter and is in society, her cards have upon them “Miss Smith.”

A woman should never ask a man formally calling to take his hat, or a woman to lay aside her wraps.

A card sent to an afternoon reception represents one’s self. It should be sent either by mail or messenger, and never by a friend to deposit upon the receiver with her own card.

VISITING.

A guest should always ascertain what are the usual hours of rising, taking meals, and retiring, and then conform scrupulously to them.

Guests should give as little trouble as possible, and never apologize for the extra trouble their visit necessarily occasions.

If a ride, drive, or walk is proposed by one of the family entertaining, a guest should acquiesce as far as her strength will allow, and do all in her power to seem pleased by the efforts made for her entertainment.

Upon taking one’s departure, it is expected—and reasonably, too—that some acknowledgment be made of the pleasure that has been afforded one.

It is also proper upon returning home to inform the friends just left of one’s safe arrival.

CHAPTER II.
Notes of Invitation, Announcement
Cards, Wedding Invitations, Acceptances
and Regrets, Letters,
Letters of
Introduction.

“Politeness is one of those advantages which we never estimate rightly, but by the inconvenience of its loss.”—Samuel Johnson.

NOTES OF INVITATION.

Notes of invitation for evening parties are issued in the name of the lady of the house; as,

Mrs. James Little requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. George White’s company on Monday evening, March seventeenth, from nine to twelve o’clock.[A]

The expression “presents compliments” is obsolete, as is also the term “polite,” which was formerly used in acceptances or regrets. The English form of “kind” or “very kind” is now substituted in its place.

A very acceptable form of invitation for a mother (if the mother is not living, the father’s name may be so used) and daughter is this:

Mrs. and Miss Graves at Home, Thursday, October twenty-seventh, from eight to eleven o’clock.

When a very large dinner party is to be given, the invitations should be issued at least two weeks in advance; and if some very celebrated people are to be invited, twenty-one days should elapse between sending out the invitations and the day of the function. For a small affair ten days’ notice is sufficient. Invitations to large teas should be sent out fourteen days in advance, but for small ones a week’s notice is sufficient.

In answering an invitation sent out in the name of both mother and daughter, one should address the mother.

When sending out invitations to evening parties, it is customary to denote the amusement feature, if there is to be one, by naming it in the lower left hand corner; as, “Dancing,” or “Cards,” or “Fancy dress and masks.” The hour is designated thus: “Dancing after nine,” or “German at eight o’clock,” or “Supper at half after seven,” and underneath “Dancing.” Sometimes a separate card is enclosed, reading “Dancing at nine o’clock.”

Mrs. George Brown requests the pleasure of Miss Lee’s company on Tuesday evening, January seventh, at nine o’clock.

Dancing. 221 Thirty-fifth Street.

The correct form of invitation for an entertainment where an elocutionist is to be the principal feature is worded as follows:

Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Brown’s company on Thursday evening, December the first, at eight o’clock.

124 Jewell Avenue.

Reading by Professor William White.

An invitation to a rose or lawn party might read thus:

In writing invitations for a club for which one is acting as secretary it would be wise to put them in the third person, and then there would be no embarrassment about the arrangement of names.

The words “reception” and “at home” are synonymous. Each means an entertainment which takes place between certain stated hours in the afternoon or evening, where refreshments are served, and no especial order of amusement is provided, unless it is specified in the invitations. To a “reception” or “at home” the hostess generally sends invitations to all on her calling list. These large functions are usually given for some especial purpose; as, to introduce a débutante into society, to celebrate a wedding anniversary, or for the bride and groom after the wedding ceremony, or merely that the hostess may meet all her friends.

There is, however, a decided distinction between a reception or an “at home” and a tea or “days.” An invitation to the first is engraved on a sheet of note paper or a large sized card, and is formally worded. The hours for the afternoon function are usually from four until seven, and one may expect to find at the house or place of entertainment decorations of flowers and greens, and quite an elaborate repast provided; but an invitation to a tea or to “days” does not imply that anything but the simplest kind of menu will be served, nor that any but simple preparations will be made. The invitations to the latter entertainments may be the hostess’s visiting cards with the address and “tea at four o’clock” written in one corner; or if the hostess prefers to receive informally on more than one day, she may have the form “Fridays,” or “Fridays in February,” or “First and third Fridays in February,” or whatever days she chooses, written or engraved on her cards.

The formal luncheon hour is from one to two o’clock. Afternoon teas are usually at five. One’s visiting card can be used only for an invitation for an afternoon “at home;” invitations to dinner or luncheon must be written out. In sending out cards for a tea one should simply write the date and the hour in the lower left-hand corner; in sending a note, whether by messenger or post, the number of the house and the name of the street should be written out in full.

The following is a good form of invitation to an “at home” given by several women:

Mrs. James Smith
Mrs. Charles White
Mrs. Frederick Brown
at home
Saturday, April the sixteenth
at four o’clock
112 Madison Street

The usual form of an invitation to a luncheon is as follows:

Mrs. James Brown
requests the pleasure of your company
at luncheon
on Wednesday, April the sixth,
at one o’clock.

Below this and to the right would be the address, and the date on which the invitation is written.

The invitation for a musical may be worded as follows:

ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS.

The simplest way to announce an engagement is for each of the engaged couple to write short notes of announcement on the same day to each one’s relatives and near friends. All these notes are sent so that they will be received at the same time. They are written in the first person on dainty note paper, and the best form is the simplest. The character of the note must depend on the intimacy between the writer and the recipient.

A pretty and fashionable sequence to the announcement is for the bride to give a tea for the express purpose of receiving congratulations. She may mention it in her notes of announcement, and her fiancé may mention in his notes that she will be at home on a certain day at a certain hour. She should then receive with her mother or some older relative, and she should have some light refreshment provided for her callers. All her young friends will call, and all the relatives and near friends of her fiancé. The fiancé should be present at the tea, or he may come before it is over, but he should not formally receive with his betrothed.

Engagements are often announced in the newspapers.

Wedding announcements or invitations should be sent in envelopes addressed to the father and mother of the family, to the daughter or daughters (addressed as the Misses), and to each of the grown sons. All these invitations in their envelopes may be enclosed in an outside envelope addressed to the parents.

A wedding invitation or announcement card should always be addressed to both members of a married couple, even if the bride or groom who sends it is acquainted with only one.

The correct form for wedding announcement cards is as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
announce the marriage of their daughter,
Anna
to
Mr. Frank Brown
on Saturday, October the twenty-second,
eighteen hundred and ninety-nine.
Washington, D. C.

The bride’s “at home” cards should be separate, but enclosed with the announcements, and should read as follows:

At Home
Tuesday afternoons in January.
125 West Fifteenth Street,
New York City.

Announcement cards should be sent out immediately after the wedding to every one on the bride’s and groom’s list. And, again, wedding announcement cards need not be sent out in any one’s name. The following is an example:

Married
on Wednesday, January the eighteenth,
eighteen hundred and ninety-nine
at St. Thomas’ Church
New York,
Margaret Baker White
to
William Barton.

When a bride is an orphan it is customary for the cards announcing her wedding to be sent in the name of one of her near relatives, or else they may read simply like the one given above.

Wedding announcement cards demand no acknowledgment from an acquaintance of the bride who lives at a distance, unless a “day” or “days” are mentioned on them, when it is obligatory to send visiting cards on the “day” or the first one of the “days;” otherwise, if one wishes to be particularly polite, one may send a visiting-card in acknowledgment of the announcement, but it is not obligatory to do so.

Wedding announcements are sent to friends at home as well as to those abroad, because the cards are supposed, not only to suggest remembrance, but to express a desire that the acquaintance should be continued after the name is changed.

The birth of a baby is announced in various ways, there being no especial rules of etiquette for making the announcement. Sometimes engraved cards bearing the baby’s name and date of birth are sent by themselves in small envelopes, into which they fit exactly; sometimes they go in an envelope with the mother’s visiting-card, and are written instead of engraved. These cards should be attached to the mother’s visiting cards by a piece of white baby ribbon, which is passed through a hole made in the top of both cards and tied in a tiny bow. They should be sent out when the mother is ready to receive calls.

WEDDING INVITATIONS.

Wedding invitations should be issued at least two weeks before the day of the affair.

It is customary for the bridegroom to give to the bride’s mother a list of his relatives and friends to whom he would like cards sent, and some member of the bride’s family attends to it.

When the guests at a wedding are limited to the immediate family, the invitations may be personal notes sent by the bride’s mother. The notes may read like the following:

My Dear Mary,—It will give us all much pleasure if you will come to the very quiet wedding of my daughter Catherine to Mr. John Martin, on Saturday, February the fourth, at twelve o’clock, and remain to the little breakfast that will follow the ceremony. Only the members of the family will be present. Hoping that you may be with us the fourth, I am,

Affectionately yours,
Anna Brown.

A formal invitation may read as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. James M. Moore
request the pleasure of your presence at
the marriage of their daughter
Alice
to
Charles Albert Smith,
Thursday Evening, August twenty-fourth,
at eight o’clock,
121 Seventh Street East,
Davenport, Iowa,
1899.

Another form is as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. John Brown
request the pleasure of your presence
at the
marriage breakfast of their daughter
Mary Louise
and
Mr. Charles Albert Smith,
on Thursday, October the sixth,
from one until three o’clock.
15 Prospect Street.

If the bride is an orphan, or if there is any very good reason why her parents’ names should not appear on the invitation, the latter may be sent in the name of the married brother and his wife, or in the name of whoever gives the bride the wedding reception. It may read as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Smith
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their sister
Bertha Wild
to
Mr. James Montgomery Brown,
on Wednesday, October the twelfth,
at eight o’clock.
2400 Fifth Street South.

The following is a suitable form for an invitation for a silver wedding:

Twenty-fifth Anniversary.
Mr. and Mrs. John H. Smith
at Home
Saturday Ev’g, December twenty-seventh,
Eighteen hundred ninety nine,
From eight to eleven o’clock.

ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS.

It is considered very rude not to reply to an invitation immediately, either by note of acceptance or regret.

In writing acceptances one should never use “will accept” for “accepts,” or “to dinner” instead of “for dinner” or “to dine.”

In accepting a dinner invitation one should repeat the hour named in order that, if any mistake has been made, it may be corrected.

An acceptance may be written as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Frank Warren accept with pleasure Mrs. John Somers’ kind invitation for Monday evening, October seventh.

The following is a good form for a note of regret:

Mr. and Mrs. James Swift regret that, owing to sickness, they are unable to accept Mrs. Frank Hall’s kind invitation for Monday evening, March 16th.

In writing regrets, when it is possible to do so, one should give the reason for not accepting an invitation.

The best bred people agree that an invitation to a wedding reception or a wedding breakfast demands a response, whether or not a response is requested. But it is another question when one receives only an invitation to a church ceremony, or merely an announcement card with no “at home” card enclosed, and does not know the bride and groom well enough to call. If the cards are sent merely as a matter of courtesy because of business relations or on account of a former intimacy in the families, a call does not seem necessary. In such cases one must judge more or less for herself, and do what seems natural. If one lives in a small place and the bride comes there as a stranger, it is generally the best way to call, whatever be the form of the cards received.

Formal invitations to a church wedding do not demand an answer, unless one is requested, until the day of the ceremony, when those unable to attend acknowledge the invitation with visiting cards addressed to the father and mother of the bride, or to whoever sends out the invitations for the wedding. Invitations to a wedding reception and a bride’s “At Home” demand no other acknowledgment than visiting cards sent on the day of the function by those unable to attend. A formal invitation to a house wedding demands the same acknowledgment as an invitation to a church wedding.

In acknowledging an invitation to a wedding, a single woman sends one of her visiting cards in an envelope addressed to the mother and father of the bride on the day of the wedding. A single man sends two of his cards, and a married couple send one of the wife’s and two of the husband’s cards. To the bride on her “At Home” day, cards should be sent in exactly the same way. A wedding reception, if it takes place in the evening, demands full dress.

It is very courteous to acknowledge the reception of a “commencement” invitation.

It is very bad form to write “Congratulations” on one’s visiting card and send it in answer to a wedding invitation. If one desires to send her good wishes to the bride, then a personal note would be proper.

It is also bad form to send a visiting card with “Regrets” written in one corner instead of writing the proper note.

If, having accepted an invitation, one changes her mind, she certainly ought to give some reason when writing a note of apology.

LETTERS.

In writing letters and notes of invitation, acceptance, regrets, or introduction, certain and specific rules of etiquette, ordained by custom, hold despotic sway; and unless one is acquainted with these, he must be considered by those who are, as more or less uncultivated.

In addressing an envelope one surely ought to know that the first line of the address should be at or below the middle of the envelope, and the address should be written in a plain hand devoid of flourishes. The place for the stamp is always the upper right-hand corner.

In no way is one’s culture sooner made known than by his manner of writing a note or letter.

In a formal business letter or in one commencing “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madam,” the name of the person addressed is put at the end of the letter in the left-hand corner, but it should not be repeated, if it is used at the head of the letter.

The writing of notes in the third person is now confined to notes of invitations, acceptance, and regret.

Nothing would show greater ignorance than signing one’s name to a note written in the third person.

In addressing a clergyman it is customary to commence with “Reverend Sir.” Doctors of Divinity and of Medicine are thus distinguished: “The Rev. James Swift, D. D.,” or “Rev. Dr. Swift;” “I. G. Latham, M. D.,” or “Dr. Latham.”

In writing to servants, it is customary to begin thus: “To Mary Bates,—Mrs. White wishes, etc.”

When a woman is writing to strangers who will not know whether to address her in reply as “Mrs.” or “Miss,” the address of the writer should be given in full, after signing her letter, as, “Mrs. Jane Smith,” followed by the direction; or, if unmarried, the “Miss” should be placed in marks of parenthesis preceding the signature. One should never sign her name as “Mrs.” or “Miss.”

The formal manner of address in a note or letter written in the first person, is, “My Dear Mrs. Brown;” the less formal is “Dear Mrs. Brown.” To an intimate friend one may use either. “Dear Mary” is less formal than “My Dear Mary,” and yet to one who is near, the real significance of the latter form is very sweet and full of tender meaning. However, there are no rigid laws to regulate the correspondence of friends.

When a woman writes a personal note to a man, no matter how slight her acquaintance may be with him, it should begin “My Dear Mr. Brown.”

Ordinary social correspondence, when forwarded by the hand of an adult socially equal with the sender, should not be sealed. If, for some reason, a letter must be sealed, then the post or some other method of letter conveyance should be used.

The form “Addressed” on an envelope is merely the relic of an old legal form that has no especial significance nowadays, but is put on the envelope as a matter of courtesy. It means that the contents of the envelope are for the person whose name is written on the outside. It is very seldom used, and is quite superfluous.

Only letters of unmarried women and widows are addressed with their baptismal names. All letters of married women should bear their husband’s names; as, “Mrs. John Howe.”

Writing on the first, then on the third, then crosswise on the second and fourth pages of a letter, facilitates the reading and is in perfectly good form.

It is very bad taste for a doctor’s wife to assume his title. An invitation addressed to them should read “Dr. and Mrs. Jones.”

One should not write “Mrs. John Brown, née Lottie Smith,” because one is not born with a Christian name; instead, one would write “Mrs. John Brown, née Smith.”

The use of perfumed stationery is not general, nor is it in good taste.

Any letter of congratulation received, even though it be from a person with whom one has only a slight acquaintance, requires an answer.

No matter how fond a young girl may feel of a man whom she has known for years, any letters, when trouble comes to his family, should be addressed to his wife and not to him.

The fashion that obtains with reference to placing the date on a letter is to place it in the upper right-hand corner; on a note it is usually placed in the lower left-hand corner.

A young girl who receives letters from a man at the post-office without the knowledge of her mother is doing something wrong, which in time she will certainly regret, and which, it is equally certain, will result in trouble.

It is not in the best taste to write letters of friendship on the typewriter, but it will always be excused in the busy woman.

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.

Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certificates of respectability and esteem, and should only be given by friends of the person introduced and to friends. They should be brief and carefully worded, intimating the mutual pleasure that one feels the acquaintance will confer, but not complimenting the bearer so openly that he will feel embarrassed in delivering the letter. Such letters are left unsealed.

There is no greater insult than to treat a letter of introduction with indifference. A person thus introduced ought to be called upon at once, and shown any other little attention within one’s power. In England letters of introduction are called “tickets to soup.”

In England the party holding a letter of introduction never takes it himself, but sends it with his card. On the Continent the reverse is the fashion. In America the English custom prevails, though where a young man has a letter to one many years his senior or to one who is to aid him in some enterprise, he takes it himself at once.

A letter of introduction should be somewhat like the following:

My Dear Mr. Barnes:

This note will introduce to you my friend, Mr. Charles Smith, whom I know you will be as glad to meet as he will be glad to meet you.

Mr. Smith is an old friend of mine, and any kindness you may be able to show him will be very much appreciated by me.

Faithfully yours,
Anna Martin White.

Before giving a letter of introduction one should be certain that the persons introduced will be congenial to each other. Such a letter puts a certain obligation on the person to whom it is addressed: he will be obliged to show the bearer some attention and hospitality. It is, therefore, not right to make the demand of a friend unless one is certain that the acquaintanceship will compensate him for the trouble he may take.

FOOTNOTE:

[A] It is now quite common to omit marks of punctuation at the end of lines in an invitation.

CHAPTER III.
Dinners, Luncheons, Breakfasts, Teas,
Receptions, Dancing Parties, Cards,
Parties, Weddings, Wedding
Gifts, Wedding Anniversaries.

“Manners aim to facilitate life, to get rid of impediments.”

DINNERS.[B]

A “dinner” is supposed to be an elaborate affair, with numerous courses and ample service, and is usually given at seven or eight o’clock in the evening. At a dinner the number of courses naturally varies according to the taste and financial condition of the hostess. (For arrangement of the table, see [Chapter VI].)

For a formal dinner the courses usually consist of soup, fish, a roast with one or more vegetables, a salad, an ice or ice cream, cakes, bonbons, and black coffee. Olives and salted almonds, jellies, etc., generally appear in some of the courses.

Although the following really belongs under the head of “The Table” and “Service at Table,” a repetition here may not come amiss.

The attendant places each dish, in succession, before the host or hostess with the pile of plates. Each plate is supplied, taken by the attendant on a small salver, and set, from the left, before the guest. A second dish which belongs to the course is presented at the left of the guest, who helps himself. As a rule the woman at the right of the host, or the eldest woman, should be served first. As soon as a course is finished, the plates are promptly removed, and the next course is served in the same way. Before the dessert is brought on, all crumbs should be brushed from the cloth. The finger bowls, which are brought in on a napkin on a dessert-plate and set at the left of the plate, are used by dipping the fingers in lightly and drying them on the napkin. They should be half full of warm water with a bit of lemon floating in it. When all have finished dessert, the hostess gives the signal, by pushing back her chair, that dinner is ended, and the guests repair to the drawing-room, the oldest leading and the youngest following last, the men passing into the library or smoking-room.

Seemingly, one should arrive at the house where one is invited to a dinner or a luncheon at exactly the hour mentioned in the invitation; but the proper thing at a formal function is to get to the house ten minutes after the hour of the meal, and to be announced in the drawing-room five minutes later.

The host, with the guest of honor, leads the way into the dining-room at a dinner; at a luncheon the hostess leads the way alone or with one of the guests.

Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy guest when the dinner hour was understood, as it always should be.

If the hostess thinks the visitor has no acquaintances in the room, she introduces her to two or three persons who are near her, and then, counting on her knowledge of the customs of society, she will feel quite sure that her guest will enjoy herself.

A hostess should never reprove a servant before a guest, as it is unpleasant for all concerned, and by passing over the annoyance herself, it may escape the attention of others.

No accident must seem to disturb a hostess, no disappointment embarrass her.

At formal dinner parties the servant who is detailed to attend to the wants of the men guests hands each one, as he leaves the dressing-room, an envelope containing a card bearing the name of the woman whom he is to take to dinner.

LUNCHEONS.

Luncheons are usually given between the hours of one and two o’clock in the afternoon, and to them women only are invited. The menu is lighter than for a dinner, and generally consists of sherbets, oyster patties, scalloped oysters, sweet-breads, sandwiches, salads, ices, cheese sticks, fruit, ice cream, cakes, bonbons, salted almonds, olives, and black coffee, served in such number and order of courses as best suits the hostess.

BREAKFASTS.

The difference between a breakfast and a luncheon is very slight. On the invitation the word breakfast is used instead of luncheon, and the hour is earlier than for a luncheon. Also men and woman may meet together for a breakfast, and therefore a few more solid courses are advisable. Otherwise one may be guided entirely in giving the entertainment by the rules which apply to a luncheon.

TEAS.

A tea is the simplest and easiest kind of an entertainment to give, for the only essential requisites for its success are prettily arranged receiving-rooms, with as many flowers as one can afford; a gracious hostess, who stands during the hours of the function to receive her guests and is properly dressed in a becoming high-necked house dress; a few other women, who also receive in pretty dresses; and a dainty tea table, which may be presided over by a woman friend or two of the hostess. It is only necessary to serve a modest menu of tea, chocolate or bouillon, assorted sandwiches, fancy cakes, and bonbons. The other factors to the tea’s success are pleasant weather and well trained servants, who may assist in serving the tea and are alert to open and close the door for the guests.

At a formal function of any kind the guests leave their wraps in dressing-rooms, where one or more maids should be on hand to assist women in their dressing-room, and a man to perform the same services in the men’s dressing-room; but at a small tea, where, as a rule, the guests do not remove their street wraps, it is only necessary to have a maid in the entrance hall to be ready, if called on, to do any service.

It is not customary to offer refreshments to casual evening callers; but if one has a regular evening for receiving, she may have a tea table in the drawing-room, and serve tea, chocolate, sandwiches, cake, etc., as in entertaining on the afternoon of a “day.”

RECEPTIONS.

On the day of the reception, the hostess, with her assistants, should receive the guests, standing at the door of the drawing-room. The refreshment tables should be spread in the dining-room, and prettily decorated with flowers, candles in candelabra or candlesticks, dishes of bonbons and cakes, plates of sandwiches, and platters of salad. A bouillon urn may stand at one end of the table with cups, and coffee may be served from the other end. All that is necessary for the menu is bouillon, easily prepared in the house from canned bouillon, jellied tongue, chicken salad, and sandwiches, ices and cake, fruit, and candies. Coffee and lemonade will suffice for beverages. If one can afford to have a few pieces of music, so much the better. The musicians should play from some hidden nook. One or two servants in the dining-room, and one to open and shut the front door, will be all that is necessary.

DANCING PARTIES.

For the form of invitation refer to [Chapter II].

In selecting a company for a dancing party the hostess will naturally choose only those who dance, and she should see, as far as possible, that all the women are provided with partners.

It is better to dance first with one acquaintance and then with another, rather than to make one’s self conspicuous by giving a great number of dances to one man.

A man gives the first and last dances to his partner of the evening.

No man should invite a young woman to attend a dress affair without providing a carriage for her. When the party is small and informal, it is allowable to go on the street-cars.

At the end of the dance, the man should offer his arm to his partner, and take at least one turn around the room before consigning her to her seat.

A man who can dance, and will not, ought to remain away from a ball.

If for any reason a girl should refuse to dance with one man, she should not accept another invitation for the same dance.

An invitation to a ball may be asked for a friend who is a stranger in town, and has had no opportunity of making the acquaintance of the one who gives the ball.

A man should not ask a girl, to whom he has been introduced for the purpose of dancing with her, for more than two dances the same evening.

CARD PARTIES.

If given, prizes should be carefully chosen, so that they may be in good taste and desirable. The supper should be served at the card tables after the playing is over. A large napkin should be spread on the top of each table, and the refreshments served in courses.

WEDDINGS.

For invitation forms see [Chapter II].

When a wedding takes place in a church that has but one entrance, the customary way for the bridal procession to enter is for the groom and best man to walk in just behind the minister, a little before the others, and to take their places at the altar; then the ushers enter, walking two by two; then the bridesmaids in the same order; then the maid of honor alone; and last the bride on her father’s arm. The bride’s family enter the church a few minutes before the minister and the groom and bridal party.

A bride goes up to the altar with her veil over her face, but comes down with it thrown back. It is the duty of the maid of honor to throw it back immediately after the ceremony is ended.

When the bride’s mother gives her away at a church ceremony, she usually walks up the aisle with the bride. After she has given her to the groom, she steps quietly and unescorted to the front pew, where she stays during the remainder of the service. The bride may walk up the aisle with an attendant instead of with her mother, who in this case steps from her seat in the front pew to the chancel when the time comes for her to officiate, and steps back to her seat afterwards.

The bride and the groom should stand at the wedding reception until they have received the congratulations of all present, then, together, they should walk into the room where the breakfast is to be served. The others follow as they please, with the exception of the parents on both sides. The groom’s father usually escorts the bride’s mother, and vice versa.

It is not the custom for a bride to remove her gloves at the wedding. The inside seam of the ring finger of the glove should be ripped beforehand; and when the time comes for the ring to be put on, the bride merely slips off this glove finger, and puts it back again after the ring is on her finger.

At no wedding service is it proper for the bride to enter the church alone.

At a church or house wedding where the bride walks up the aisle with her sister acting as the maid of honor, instead of with a gentleman escort, she need not take the arm of her attendant, as both the ladies will look more graceful if walking separately. The maid of honor should carry a bouquet, and the bride a bouquet, prayer-book, or bible.

At a home wedding the bride enters the room on the arm of her father. With a short dress she would not wear a veil.

The wearing of gloves at an informal wedding is entirely a matter of taste. Recently at several large weddings they were omitted by the entire bridal party.

The prettiest way to make an aisle for the bridal party at a house wedding is for four children to enter the room where the ceremony will be, just before the bridal party comes in, and separate the guests into two groups by stretching two pieces of white ribbon the length of the room. A child stands at each end of the two pieces of ribbon, holding it while the bridal party walks up between them, and during the service. Ushers may hold the ribbons instead of the children, or the ends may be fastened around plants which are placed at the requisite points.

Where there is no side door through which the groom and best man may enter the room at a house wedding, they come in by the principal door just before the bridal party and just after the minister.

It is not customary for the men at a wedding party to kiss the bride; that is a liberty taken only by the immediate members of the family.

A bride, if she wishes, may omit the bridal veil, but she should then wear a dainty bonnet or picture hat. The ushers and best men are invited by the bridegroom.

If the church wedding is a full dress one, followed by an evening reception, it is proper to wear an evening gown. If it is in the daytime, a handsome visiting dress and pretty bonnet are proper.

At a daytime wedding the guests seldom remove their bonnets, although, of course, heavy wraps are frequently laid aside. At an evening affair one goes in full dress without anything on one’s head. The ushers present the guests to the bridal party. The bridesmaids are spoken to by the people they know, but it is not necessary that they should be addressed by everybody.

A bride may wear her wedding dress after her wedding day as much or as little as she chooses. For the sake of sentiment many brides like to preserve their wedding dresses intact to hand down to future generations; but a girl who has to consider economy cannot afford to consider sentiment, and often the wedding dress is converted into a low dinner and evening gown soon after the wedding day. A bride may, with perfect propriety, wear her wedding dress to the reception given her after her wedding by the groom’s mother. Of course, she will wear it just as it was when she was married, high in the neck, unless the reception takes place in the evening and demands evening dress, when, according to the conventions, it must be cut low.

A bridegroom is always expected to furnish the bouquets that the bride, bridesmaids, and all the bride’s attendants carry at the wedding. He should learn from the bride the flowers she wishes, and should order them several days before the wedding, so that they may be ready at the bride’s house when the bridesmaids meet there to go together to the church or to the place where the ceremony is held.

Besides furnishing these bouquets, the groom provides the ushers and best men with their boutonnières, and gives them also some small souvenir, and, if he wishes, a bachelor dinner or supper a day or two before the wedding.

There are no wedding luncheons nowadays. Every entertainment of the kind up to two o’clock is called a breakfast, and when it takes place in the afternoon or evening it is called a reception.

WEDDING GIFTS.

The idea that a wedding invitation necessitates a present has, sensibly enough, gone out of fashion, and only those who are bound by ties of blood or close friendship have the privilege of sending a gift to the bride.

Presents should be sent as soon after receiving the invitations as possible. All wedding gifts, even from friends of the groom who may never have met the bride, are sent to the bride; and, if marked, they should be engraved with the initials or monogram of the bride’s maiden name, or they may have her name in full.

Wedding presents should be acknowledged by the bride-elect in a short personal note, which should be written and sent immediately on receipt of the present.

When several friends combine in giving a present to the bride, she should write a letter of thanks to each one separately, sending the letters by post.

It is perfectly proper to open a gift in the presence of the giver, and express one’s pleasure and gratitude on the spot. Indeed, it is much better form to do so than to wait until the giver has gone.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES.

The paper wedding, so termed, is celebrated one year after marriage. Invitations should be issued on heavy gray paper or thin card-board. Presents may consist of any article made of paper or papier mâché; such, for instance, as books, engravings, etc.

The wooden wedding is celebrated five years after marriage. Invitations may be issued upon wooden cards, or wooden cards may be inclosed with an invitation written or engraved upon a sheet of wedding note paper. The presents may be anything made of wood, from a mustard spoon to a house or set of furniture.

The tin wedding comes ten years after marriage. Invitation cards are sometimes covered with tin foil, or tin cards are inclosed, or, if preferred, the invitation is printed on tin bronze paper. Presents should consist of articles made of tin.

The crystal wedding, fifteen years after marriage, is next in order. Cards may be issued upon transparent paper, or upon note paper with a card of isinglass inclosed.

The china wedding takes place twenty years after marriage. Semi-transparent cardboard will answer for the invitations.

The silver wedding is celebrated on the twenty-fifth anniversary, and is generally an occasion of much more importance than any of the foregoing anniversaries. The invitations may be printed on silver paper, and the presents are, of course, articles of silver.

The golden wedding, celebrated on the fiftieth anniversary of the marriage, may be said to be the one in which the young do homage to the old. It should be conducted by the near relatives or friends of the couple, and the occasion should be made one of retrospect, of encouragement, and of congratulation. The invitations should be on white paper in gold letters, and the presents should be of gold.

At each of these anniversaries it is customary to have the marriage ceremony re-performed, and all arrangements for the celebration are made in about the same manner as for the first marriage.

FOOTNOTE:

[B] In looking up any one point in this book,—as “dinners,” for instance,—one will be obliged sometimes to refer to more than one place. [Chapter II]., under “Notes of Invitation,” and [Chapter I]., under its three different heads, contain more or less information concerning “dinners,” which it seems difficult to classify anymore closely than has been done.