Pure Books on Avoided Subjects

Books for Men

By Sylvanus Stall, D. D.

• “What a Young Boy Ought to Know.”
• “What a Young Man Ought to Know.”
• “What a Young Husband Ought to Know.”
• “What a Man of 45 Ought to Know.”

Books for Women

By Mrs. Mary Wood-Allen, M. D.,
And Mrs. Emma F. A. Drake, M. D.

• “What a Young Girl Ought to Know.”
• “What a Young Woman Ought to Know.”
• “What a Young Wife Ought to Know.”
• “What a Woman of 45 Ought to Know.”

PRICE AND BINDING

The books are issued in uniform size and but one style of binding, and sell in America at $1, in Great Britain at 4s., net, per copy, post free, whether sold singly or in sets.

PUBLISHED BY

IN THE UNITED STATES
THE VIR PUBLISHING COMPANY
2237 Land Title Building Philadelphia

IN ENGLAND
THE VIR PUBLISHING COMPANY
7 Imperial Arcade, Ludgate Circus, London, E.C.

IN CANADA
WILLIAM BRIGGS
29-33 Richmond Street West Toronto, Ontario

EMMA F. ANGELL DRAKE, M.D.

Price $1.00 net
4s. net

PURITY AND TRUTH

WHAT A YOUNG
WIFE
OUGHT TO KNOW

(THOUSAND DOLLAR PRIZE BOOK)

BY
Mrs. EMMA F. ANGELL DRAKE, M. D.

Graduate of Boston University Medical College; formerly Physician and Principal of Mr. Moody’s School at Northfield, Mass.; Professor of Obstetrics at Denver Homœopathic Medical School and Hospital; Author of “What a Woman of 45 Ought to Know,” “Maternity Without Suffering.”

Philadelphia, Pa.: 2337 Land Title Building.

THE VIR PUBLISHING COMPANY

London:
7, Imperial Arcade,
Ludgate Circus, E. C.

Toronto:
Wm. Briggs,
33 Richmond St., West.

Copyright, 1901, by SYLVANUS STALL

Copyright, 1902, by SYLVANUS STALL

Entered at Stationers’ Hall, London, England

Protected by International copyright in Great Britain and all her colonies, and, under the provisions of the Berne Convention, in Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Tunis, Hayti, Luxembourg, Monaco, Norway, and Japan

All rights reserved

[PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES]

Dedicated
To the Young Wives Who Desire the Best
for Themselves, for their Husbands
and for their Offspring

PREFACE

To this generation as to no other, are we indebted for the awakening of woman. Not the awakening alone which has led her out of the old lines into nearly every avenue open to man in his pursuit of the necessities and luxuries of life; but that other and larger awakening which has set her down face to face with herself, and in her study of woman she has shown herself courageous.

Bravely acknowledging her own limitations, she has set herself the task of fortifying the weak points, curbing the more daring aspirations, and getting herself into trim, so to speak, that she may traverse the sea of life, without danger to herself, her cargo, or to any of the countless ships which follow in her wake, or that pass her in the day or the night.

Not all women have yet awakened, and for those who have eyes to see, and have seen, a great work is still waiting to be done. They must reach out and rouse their sisters. Will they do it? With our young wives rests the weal or woe of the future generations. To them we say, “What of the future, and what sort of souls shall you give to it?”

Emma F. A. Drake.

Denver, Colorado,
United States of America.
February 1st, 1901.

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.
INTELLIGENCE OF THE YOUNG WIFE.

Out of Girlhood into Wifehood.—The Setting up of a New Home.—Woman’s Exalted Place.—Earlier Influences.—Importance of Intelligence.—Woman Fitted by Creator for Wifehood and Motherhood.—The Position of Reproductive Organs in the Body.—Dangers of Crowding Contents of Abdomen.—What all Young Wives Need to Know.—Premium Previously set upon Ignorance.—Heredity.—Failures and Successes of our Ancestors.—Faults and Virtues Transmitted through Heredity.

What a young wife ought to know is a large question, and one which we neither hope nor expect to answer fully in this little book, but if what we shall say shall set our girls to thinking a little more seriously and more exaltedly, of the great possibilities which await them: if it shall prepare them to enter the sacred realm of marriage with holier thoughts of the high duties they are assuming, we shall be content, feeling we have accomplished our purpose.

Out of girlhood into wifehood, seems a short step, but it is one fraught with grave responsibilities. If all along your girlhood way, your aspirations have been high, and you have been living for the best, you are prepared for the new life and its duties; if, on the other hand, you have been drifting thoughtlessly, as so many girls are allowed to do, you will have little conception of what the future holds for you.

A new home at your touch is to be called into being; a new altar reared, upon which the sacrificial offerings shall be those of love, and confidence, and life, and mutual endeavor, and work, not for self, but for that other self whom you have chosen out of all the world to be the sharer of everything that life means and that you hold dear.

“And the Lord said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” And have you ever thought that in all these years we have made the mistake of writing these words together as one? We lose half of the designed meaning when we do this. “Meet means to have bestowed upon or sent to one: to have befall one, to have happen appropriately or deservedly. How full of meaning with this definition do the two words become. As if the Creator left the calling into life of woman, until he saw the great need, and then bestowed her as a blessing upon man: that goodness was only accomplished when he made woman to be a helper to man.”

We are very sure that there was nothing in the creative thought, of degradation, in this giving of woman to man. Nothing of degradation in the thought of her sphere and work. It is a work distinct from that of man, and yet supplemental to it; in many ways unlike his and yet not inferior to it. It is a large half of the work of the great busy world—a work that is beautiful, noble, helpful, uplifting; and when done in the spirit of love and willingness that should always characterize it, it beautifies and ennobles the worker.

Dear young wives, begin your married lives with the thought that it is no mean place that you are called to fill, and make it your highest pleasure to fit yourselves for it worthily.

Some of you have come from homes of wealth, where you have been accustomed to have every wish gratified, often before it was expressed; and it may be that the one you have chosen will not be as able to gratify your wishes. Be very sure that in the light of his love and companionship you will not miss the abundance to which you have hitherto been accustomed, and take great care that you keep fast hold of this thought, and work it out into reality daily, through your oneness with him, and your sweet, strong, self-assertive love. Together you can work up to the greater affluence in worldly things and grow the richer in character as you attain.

Others of you have come from homes where the necessities of life must be planned for carefully, and where luxuries were few. Perhaps the man who has chosen you for his mate, may rejoice that the hard work and careful planning to make the ends meet, which has been your lot hitherto, will no longer be necessary, for he will lift you to a home and position of plenty, and his heart delights in so doing. Take care, dear young wife, your lot will be beset with more difficulties than those spoken of above. The invitations to ease and prodigality, to which you have not been accustomed, but which seem so delightful now, will prove a snare to your higher womanhood and nobler self-contained independence of character, if you do not put your better self on guard; and all your strong lessons that were learned in your earlier life of patient endeavor will be forgotten in the new life of ease and pleasure.

Others of you will begin from the same level the united climb towards success, and your care will be, that you do not let into your hearts the dangerous guests, envy and greed. Either will spoil your home if entertained, and prevent your gathering the sweets of life by the way.

In the days which precede marriage, everything relating to it has been idealized, and the awaking to the knowledge that ideality and reality are two very different things, will come to you with a severe shock, unless you bring to the issue all the good common sense and womanliness you possess. The rose-color which everything assumed in courtship, is now toned down to a more sober hue, and it is yours to see that it becomes not too sombre; but rather mingle with it enough of the vermilion and the rose to brighten the entire day of married life, and glorify its sunset. After all, you have only reached the haven towards which your bark has been tending since your earliest recollection. Every day of your girlhood life has had in it some hope, some confident thought, some sweet vision, of the days when you would be a woman, and some one, the only one in all the world for you, would come a-wooing and prove to you surely that your life was planned as the complement of his; that the home he intends to set up shall be perfect only when you consent to be its queen; that his life, in short, is only waiting for its fulfilment—which really means fillfullment when you shall come in to fill it full.

Should your love compel consent to this, and should you have courage, and unselfishness, and power, and real character, and self-abnegation, and hopefulness, and help-fullness, and uplifting patience, and hidden leadership sufficient, you will make of the two-in-one life a beautiful strength that shall bless the world.

Now you have come to the realization of these dreams, and never for a moment must your courage falter, never for a moment your ideals be lowered.

If perchance some of you have come to wifehood uninformed upon all the questions of girlhood and womanhood, which will prepare you for the sacred duties and responsibilities before you, it is not yet too late to learn; although this disadvantage confronts you, that very much must be crowded into a short space of time, and that many experiences will overtake you before you are prepared for them. Even at this do not be discouraged. Everything is possible to her who wills, and if you will to prepare yourself better for wifehood and motherhood, even at so late a day, the way is open. By enquiry you will find many books to help you, and many motherly women, who, having learned in the dear school of experience, are fitted to teach you the pitfalls you must avoid, and encourage you with promises of success, if you are patient.

Perhaps some of you approach wifehood with a dread of its cares and duties. Wrongly taught, or wrongly thinking, you have a nameless dread that you cannot shake off, and it distresses you. There is nothing to alarm you. Physically, woman as created, answers the question of fitness for the work laid upon her.

Let us consider a little, her peculiar adaptation, and the suitability of each part to the purpose intended by the all-wise Creator.

The nervous system is a little more highly organized than in man; the heart and blood vessels adjusted to swifter work; the brain quicker; the muscles not so hard and tense. In place of the logical, she possesses the intuitive mind, which makes her capable of reaching a conclusion while man is thinking about it. She has less strength, but greater endurance; less daring in achievement, but more patience; less forcefulness, but more quiet insistence; less practicality, but more of the æsthetic; less ambition to assume the great responsibilities of life, but more painstaking in the little and no less important things which go so far towards making the days sweet and peaceful. All these differences from man, her companion, but make her the more desirable and attractive.

Unlike man in her physical form, her departure from his type, was to fit her for motherhood. Narrower shouldered and less muscular, because not needing the brawn for lifting and laboring with her hands in the harder, coarser way; she is broader through the hips to give ample room for cradling her children.

The pelvis is the broad flat basin, at the lower part of the body, formed by the union of the two large bones, the ossa inominata, which bound it on either side and in front, and the sacrum and coccyx which complete it behind. The sacrum and coccyx are the nine lower vertebræ of the spinal column, five in the sacrum and four in the coccyx.

All the bones in the pelvis in woman are lighter and more delicate than in man—in whom they are designed mainly for strength—and the protuberances for the attachment of muscles are less prominent, making a smoother inner surface in the pelvis of woman. Neither are the joints so inflexible as in man; that of the coccyx with the sacrum being quite movable, while the union of the two bones in front will permit slight separation during the act of childbirth.

Within this pelvis lie the internal generative organs, namely, the uterus, or womb, the ovaries and fallopian tubes, and beside these the rectum and bladder. The pelvis belongs to these organs and to these alone; but how often their sphere is trespassed upon by the crowding down of the organs above, is matter for grave consideration. To each of these organs is given space sufficient, if their room be not infringed upon by each other or by the abdominal viscera above.

First let us consider the unlawful demand made by one or the other organ within the pelvis for more space than rightfully belongs to it. Girls very often from want of thought, and from ignorance of the gravity of results which such carelessness may lead to, neglect the regular evacuation of the bladder and bowels, and the result is from the fulness of the bladder long continued, a pushing of the uterus backward which may, if the habit be kept up, result in permanent displacement. On the other hand, from a neglect of the bowels, a full rectum may force the uterus forward and downward. If this carelessness is persisted in, a displacement becomes a permanent condition, and a consequent adhesion of the walls of the uterus to the neighboring organs often follows. This, as you can readily see, will make serious difficulty for the uterus when performing its functions in pregnancy, and brings on many nervous troubles which greatly affect the entire organism.

The womb too, by its false position, crowds the blood vessels of the pelvis, and thus interferes with the circulation of the pelvic organs and all parts below. Added to this it interferes with the portal circulation,—or circulation through the liver,—and thus disturbs the distribution of blood in the digestive organs, and all parts supplied by the blood-flow through the liver. For this reason, you can readily understand how many stomach troubles may be caused by wrong conditions in the pelvis.

As the bladder and rectum are capable of great distension, when full they allow little space for the womb. If when distended these organs always pushed the uterus upward, the displacement would cause less serious results; but on the contrary, from the natural position of all the organs, when crowded, the tendency is downward; especially is this so as the result of a neglected and distended rectum, which causes the prolapse, or falling of the womb with all its attendant ills. And the evil does not always stop with this organ alone, but may lead to grave bladder difficulties, and to hemorrhoids and other rectal diseases.

The abdominal cavity, or space between the diaphragm above and the pelvis below, has also sufficient room for all the organs located in it, but this cavity too is abused, by faulty dressing, and not only are the contents of the abdomen compelled to suffer; but by their being crowded downward the contents of the pelvis are encroached upon, and the ills I have already alluded to in the pelvis are further aggravated.

So much for the knowledge of the physical needed by the young wife, and this is but a beginning. In a book of this compass scarcely more than hints can be given.

Every young woman before entering into marriage should have at least a fair knowledge of the following subjects.

1. The human organization, the various organs which compose it, and the functions of each.

2. The care requisite to the healthy maintenance of these organs, and the food required to nourish them.

3. How to dress so that organic functions may not be disturbed, and so that beauty and form may be preserved.

4. How to exercise so that muscles and nerves may be kept in vigor, and the blood in active circulation.

5. How much rest to take thoroughly to recuperate the wasted energies, and keep the spirits buoyant.

6. What to deny one’s self, that health may be preserved and the temper kept sweet.

7. As a part of the great human family, what is one’s responsibility to herself, to her family, to the best use of her time, and the generation which shall come after her?

8. Is reproduction a multiplying of one’s self; and if so, is she willing that herself, just as she is, should be reproduced.

9. What faults and failings has she, that she would not like to entail upon her offspring?

10. A thorough knowledge and understanding of the reproductive system.

11. Hereditary influences, and her moral responsibility in the inheritance of the generations to follow her.

To quote from Dr. Wm. Capp, “An appreciation of the situation cannot, however, be expected in the young who, in the surge of mental and bodily development, with its charming surprises of novelty, heedlessly float along in the present quite unconscious of future dangers, of which it is impossible for them to know, except they be warned by trusted guides.” He then adds, “The best social interests of the race are in the keeping of faithful mothers. Their education, both of intellect and heart, should be of the highest order.”

Instead of any inducement having been offered our young people for extending their knowledge of self, a premium has been put upon ignorance, and the result has been in many cases disastrous to both health and morals. The time is not far distant, we believe, when our young people will refuse any longer to be considered, in the knowledge of self, ignorantly pure. Ignorance is not purity, but is often the cause of the grossest impurity; while intelligent knowledge is productive of purity of the highest and noblest type.

Further if our young wives would know themselves, they must of necessity become acquainted with the peculiarities, physical and mental, of father, mother, grandfather and grandmother. In other words, they must not only know themselves as they are, but the families from which they sprang; then will they know, measurably, the possibilities of their natures, and their limitations.

As well might the botanist talk of knowing the lovely American Beauty rose, when he had only studied its form and color, its budding and blossoming. He could tell you of its beauty, its fragrance, its colors and its season; but to know it perfectly, he must go patiently back, through every member of the rose family which has a share in its production; and study until he knows every strain which has combined to produce the beautiful harmonious entirety, which we find in this full red rose. So, my dears, go patiently back through the lines of your ancestry and learn your heritage—mental, moral and physical. Could you add to this knowledge the share that environment and education can rightly claim, and then deduce the possibilities which belong to such a life, you would be at the threshold of achievement, at the morning of a successful life, if you are ready to enthrone a consecrated will, and put real purpose into your life.

There is something, perhaps, in a family tree that is desirable; but one to my liking must contain more than the names of the ancestors. Each must have his prominent characteristics attached, his failures and his successes, as necessary guides for his descendants. It might not in many instances engender family pride, while on the other hand, were these records possessed, they could certainly be made a great incentive to noble endeavor.

Is the human family of less consequence than the horse? It would be an interesting study and full of suggestiveness, to take down the books which contain the pedigree of our blooded horses, and note how sire and dam through generations, have transmitted their faults and virtues to their offspring. Further note how the possibilities of a colt are based upon the achievements of his progenitors. Alas! Man in his study and knowledge of the equine race has gotten far ahead of man in his study of the human family. I fancy that if a college for the training of fine horses were established, one of the chief things in the curriculum would be a knowledge of pedigree. And why? Because upon such knowledge is based the possibilities of the individual.

CHAPTER II.
HOME AND DRESS.

Preparations for Successful Home-Makers.—The Importance of Sensible Dress.—An Opportunity for Reform.—The Conditions of Attractive Dress.—A Question of Healthfulness.—What Wives Need to Know Concerning Dress.—The Kind to be Avoided.—Injurious Dress Destroying the Race.—The Ailments Caused by Wrong Dressing.—The Corset Curse.—A Summary of the Evils of Dress.

“Home’s not merely four square walls

Though with pictures hung and gilded,

Home is where affection calls,

Home’s a shrine the heart has builded.”

It has been argued by the over-fastidious, when these great questions relating to our being and well-being are discussed, that it is better for our daughters that they should not know what awaits them in marriage, “lest their heart fail them.” This cannot be best. Stepping into an unknown sphere with no definite knowledge of its demands and with no preparation to meet these demands, will only occasion disheartenment, if not downright discontent, when the difficulties and responsibilities are met.

As well might a raw recruit enter the army with no knowledge of warfare and without having been drilled for service, and expect at once to become a successful commander. As well might one accept any other position of high trust in life, without knowing what fitness was demanded, and hence all unprepared for it, the only qualification of the one accepting the trust being respect for and confidence in the employer, and expect to render excellent service, as for a wife to enter unprepared upon her high duties. In either case, by dint of hard and unremitting work, a few might succeed, but the many would fail.

A revised proverb says, “Home was not built in a day.” To insure a successful home the home-maker must be a success, and to accomplish this there are years of thoughtful preparation necessary.

Marguerite Lindley says, “We cannot overdo the matter of discreetly rearing our girls. They are to be the wives and mothers of the next generation, and on them rests the matter of the prosperity of the nation. The world is to be largely influenced by their abilities and strength, and it rests with the educators of to-day to prepare them for the great work that is before them. The keynote for harmony in mental and physical education has never yet been touched, and will not be until their physical well-being is made supreme, and the mental is based on its power.”

Jules Michelet, in his admirable book, L’Amour—admirable for the time and for the people for whom it was written—says, “It would seem that French mothers were determined to educate their daughters in all the non-essentials to wifehood and motherhood, while the things that pertained to their own well-being, and the well-being of home and family, were utterly neglected.” Again, he says, “Every mother practices a kind of self-delusion. She will say, most emphatically, ‘Oh, how I love my daughter,’ and yet what does she do for her? She does not prepare her for marriage either mentally or physically.”

When our daughters have had it burned in upon their inner consciousness that sensible dress and early hours, hygienic food and habitual outdoor exercise, will do for them and the succeeding generations what nothing else can do; and when our young men show their appreciation of these things, and commend them in the highest terms possible, then will a better day dawn for the race, and a real start be made for the true betterment of mankind. Is it not true, that the majority of our young women emulate the fancies and customs upon which our young men put a premium? Here then is an opportunity for our wide-awake sons to set the pace in a reform that will tell more for the coming generations than they dream of. Says a late writer, “We may smile at but need not rebuke the instinct of the young girl to enhance by adornments her physical charms, which nature already has made more attractive than all things else to man. Woman’s innate solicitude is to please, but this is not best accomplished by artificial manners or external show.”

We see nothing wrong in adding to the first intent of dress—namely a covering—anything, yes everything which may make it attractive, so long as it does not detract from its healthfulness and comfort.

Is it not very strange that so many women of sense and wisdom, and breadth of culture far beyond the ordinary, will not hesitate to adopt and cling to customs of dress that are little less than barbarous. Does it not seem, that among the large majority of women in civilized lands, the question is, when dress is considered, “Is it becoming?” or “Is it within the reach of my pocketbook?” while rarely is the consideration of healthfulness given any weight whatever. It is a lamentable truth, but we must acknowledge it if we are honest.

Dress is not alone a study in æsthetics, not alone a study in tastefulness, not alone a study of fancy or fashion; but first, last and always it should be a question of healthfulness; and then all of the æsthetic, all of the fashion and fancy you desire may be added to it, so long as they do not in any measure defeat its first purpose.

What do our young wives need to know concerning dress, that they may be better fitted for the responsibilities which await them? They need to know what is harmful in the present fashion, that they may in their larger wisdom, avoid it, and in its place adopt that which will insure health and happiness for themselves and their offspring.

To understand the dangers and institute the reforms necessary, they must know the anatomy and physiology of the female body, and what is necessary to keep each organ in perfect health. This in a general way they learn in their school life, as far as lungs, heart and liver are concerned; but to go below the waist in knowledge, is considered indelicate in the extreme.

They must know that the corset, in their growing girlhood, prevents their proper development, and in their maturer years restricts them so that lungs, heart, and liver and abdominal organs can do but half their work, and that very poorly. They should be taught that allowing their clothes to hang from their hips is harmful in the extreme, and induces a multitude of ills that unfit them for maternity.

Let them think for a moment, that the corset when worn tight enough to insure the form which is considered correct, so narrows their lung capacity that they can but half inflate them, and so a double duty is thrown upon the heart in its effort to purify the blood, while an insufficient quantity of oxygen is given it for the purpose. When the lungs are inflated to their fullest capacity, there is only sufficient oxygen furnished to burn the waste material of the system which is thrown off through the blood. What then must be the result when a half, or a third of the lung capacity is used?

One physician has said: “Woman by her injurious style of dress is doing as much to destroy the race as is man by alcoholism.” Another physician, Dr. Ellis, says, “The practice of tight lacing has done more within the last century towards the physical deterioration of civilized man, than has war, pestilence and famine combined.” Frances Willard said, “But woman’s everlasting befrilled, bedizened, and bedraggled style of dress, is to-day doing more harm to children unborn, born and dying, than all other causes that compel public attention.”

Again the corset when worn closely, or worn at all, we feel compelled to say,—because no woman who has worn a corset for years seems to be conscious that she is wearing it closely,—crowds the contents of the abdomen downward until these organs encroach upon the pelvic contents, and the uterus is displaced, and the long train of ills which inevitably follows such displacement comes as the penalty. Not always does the punishment come at once, but sooner or later it overtakes its victim, if not before the climacteric, surely, then, at the period of middle life.

Among the many ailments which come from displacements of the womb are constipation, imperfect circulation, stomach difficulties, broken down nerves, headaches, and a generally weakened condition which totally unfits the sufferer for motherhood or for any other responsibility of life.

Another evil in dress, which seems hard to overcome, is the heavy weight imposed upon the hips. This is, to-day, in a measure obviated by those who are able to wear the silk petticoats, and silk-lined skirts; for those who are not able to do this, the burden is a heavy one, unless great care is taken to lighten the dress as much as possible.

The well-made, corded and boneless waist, with shoulder straps, and supports for all the skirts, is the only reasonable thing; and this must be loose enough to allow the waist ample room for development. Think of sixty millions of corsets sold in a year in America,—one for nearly every man, woman and child in the land! Is it strange that our women are invalids, and the American race fast dying out? It is said that a French artist represented the devil in the dress and corset of a fashionable woman! A terrible commentary upon feminine folly.

Mrs. Ecob, in her book, The Well-dressed Woman, which every young wife should read, says: “The corset curse among women is more insidious than the drink curse among men. Total abstinence from both sins is the only safe ground. A woman can no more be trusted with a corset, than a drunkard with a glass of whiskey.”

To sum up the evils of dress and suggest lines of study, is all we have room for in our short space.

1. Insufficient underwear.

2. The corset—which compresses the vital organs, overheats the region it covers, displaces the pelvic contents, serves as an excuse for hanging the clothes upon the hips, impedes the circulation of the blood in the extremities, lungs and brain, and robs the wearer of freedom and grace of movement; while it brings in the long line of ills which have doomed our American women to invalidism, and robbed their children, if they have any, of their lawful inheritance, good health.

3. Heavy and trailing skirts, which burden the wearers, and impede their motion.

4. Inequality of clothing, which covers the waist and abdomen, which should not be overheated, with from ten to fifteen thicknesses, while the shoulders and limbs are often covered with but one thickness, and that of cotton.

5. The high-heeled shoes which throw the body out of the natural poise, and so displace the womb.

6. The general lack of thought of what dress should be in order to give health and comfort to its wearers.

“Evil is wrought by want of thought

As well as by want of heart.”

Our young wives should know these evils, and institute a crusade against them, so strong and forcible, that intelligent common sense shall govern in dress, and health and happiness be the blessed results, in the home.

CHAPTER III.
HEALTH OF THE YOUNG WIFE.

Health Insures Happiness.—Be Ambitious for Health.—The Scarcity of Perfectly Healthy Women.—Fashion to the Rescue.—The Boon of Health.—Necessity of Ventilation and Fresh Air.—Duties to the Home.—The Greatness of Woman’s Sphere.—In the Society Drift.—The Extreme of Wholly Avoiding Society.—Keeping in the Middle of the Road.—Pleasures and Recreations Taken Together.—Taking Time to Keep Young.—Mistakes Which Some Husbands Make.—Wrecks at the Beginning of Married Life.

To be a successful home-maker, the young wife must be well and know how to conserve her health. While the husband may be patience itself yet an invalid in the home, and that invalid the home-maker, is a serious drawback to happiness.

Sir James Paget, in a lecture on national health, says, “We want more ambition for health. I should like to see a personal ambition for health as keen as that for bravery, for beauty, or for success in our athletic games or field sports. I wish there were such an ambition for the most perfect national health, as there is for national renown in war, in art, or in commerce.”

“All women ought to know that invalidism, speaking generally—there are, of course, exceptions to this rule,—is a carefully cultivated condition, quite as truly as the magnificent condition of the prize-fighter, the race-horse or the gymnast.”

It has become a rare thing, to-day, to find a woman who counts herself perfectly healthy. Is it possible that womankind has become so susceptible to influence, that she imagines herself ill when she is not? We are more or less creatures of imitation, and yield to the force of our surroundings without a murmur. More than this, we must admit that among the many a semi-invalidism is considered genteel and attractive. True, in the last few years we have made some effort to rise above this, and a few have succeeded.

Even Dame Fashion herself has started a line of reforms that we trust will continue popular, until they have become fixtures. Short skirts, heavy shoes, natural waists are sought by a fairly large number to-day; but we dare not prophesy what would be the result did another turn of the wheel of fashion decree otherwise. The agitation must be increased until no backward step is possible along these lines, and until our daughters will desire comfort and healthfulness in dress, rather than fashion, and its frequent result, disease.

It is not enough that you as a wife, come to your marriage with good health, but that you do all in your power to conserve it in the days and months thereafter. It is safe to say, if from principle and wise judgment you learn in the new relations during the first year, how best to preserve and conserve your strength, you will carry this knowledge and practice with you through life.

First you must consider health a priceless boon, before you lose it.

In the new relations fix your habits of exercise and recreation carefully, and adhere to them. Learn how to rest, before you have reached the point nervously where rest is impossible. Do not presume too much upon your splendid health, and overdo daily. Stop before you have reached the limit of your strength.

If you have not learned about the necessity of good ventilation in the home, learn it at once, and let in daily the fresh, pure, life-giving sunshine and fresh air, room-fulls of it. Do not be afraid of adding to the fuel bill, for warm air charged with poison will heat less easily than pure, cold air which invites the warmth. Have plenty of fresh air in your sleeping rooms, for it is quite necessary to your rising clear-brained and sweet-tempered; and never forget that you will be largely responsible for the mental and moral atmosphere of the home.

Be careful and guarded as to your society demands, lest they steal your time and strength, and you be unfitted for the real duties of your home. Home must hereafter always be to you first and foremost in your heart and duty, if you fill your position truly.

Be not misled by the false philosophy of the day, that tends in many instances to underrate the home and its high blessedness in the life of woman.

An Eastern proverb tells us that, “The house rests upon the mother.” Just as soon as you take upon yourself the vows that make you wife, you become the mother of a home. Whether children ever come to bless it or not, you are its mother. Yet few women appreciate the importance or power of this position. With the grain of truth there is in it, there is a great deal of wasteful talk about woman, and her narrow sphere. Even though she be tied to the home and the little ones, yet her sphere is just as wide as she has a mind to make it. Four walls cannot shut in a large-hearted, loving woman. From the home blessed by her presence goes out a stream of mighty influence.

Put into a woman’s sphere all the depth and sweetness, and wisdom, and comfort, that the words, love, home, mother and children comprehend, and dare to call her sphere narrow if you will! To me it is so wide that I have seen few women who make themselves large enough to fill it, and these few are not found among those who talk of its narrowness and drudgery. The light of the home, the beacon for the husband, the teacher and guide for little feet, the sharer in all the secrets and joys, the consoler in all sorrows—how do the little annoyances and patience-trying cares dwindle into insignificance, when compared with these. What in public life can win her from a life like this, if she have it to do?

Thoughtlessly many young wives get into the society drift before they know it, and their best strength is wasted, and they are laying the foundations for a young old age. Nervously overwrought, hysteria comes in with its train of multitudinous ills, and destroys both her comfort and that of the home.

On the other hand do not go to the opposite extreme, which many young people in the first days of their married happiness selfishly fall into, namely, avoiding society altogether. Once out of the pleasant, social round of friends it is hard to regain your lost footing, and you fret under it that your old friends are so cold and indifferent.

“Keep to the middle of the road,” in these things, and you will hold your youth and friends, and make a home that it is good to go into. As far as possible take your pleasures and recreations together. Plan for each other in this, and see how it keeps the sweetness in life.

A fresh, bright, young looking neighbor called on me a few days ago, and when, during our conversation, she spoke of her age as forty-two, I was amazed, and said: “I should never have thought you were more than thirty-five.”

“I have kept young,” she replied, “and I know how. If there has ever been pleasure taken in our family, it is always planned for when I can enjoy it. In the evening when the cares of the day are over, or when I can get away from the cares at other times.” She has five splendid children, and the promise of a sixth. She does the larger part of her home work, and yet takes time to keep young.

It rests with you largely, young wives, during the first years of your lives together to fix the habits of our home in the duties of rest and recreation. Have firm principles about these matters and insist lovingly upon them.

And now a word upon a more delicate question, but one which has much to do with settling and perfecting all the others, or spoiling your happiness almost irremediably. Many a marriage which otherwise would have been happy, is wrecked in the first days of the honeymoon.

Frightened and timid, and filled with a vague unrest at the mysteries of marriage which await their revelation, you place your destiny in the keeping of your husband, for wedded happiness or wedded woe. Whispers and covert suggestions of the unwise ones about you, as they allude to the life you are coming to, have given you this unrest, and it remains for the husband, by his loving considerateness to win you away from fearfulness to a sure confidence in himself.

Many otherwise kind men have become possessed with the thought that every right is theirs immediately; and in their inconsiderate, rapacious passion, in the speedy consummation of marriage, at whatever cost of pain or wounded feeling on the part of her whom they have taken to love and honor, they well nigh wreck the after happiness of both in the first days of their united lives.

Husband beware of the wrong of committing a veritable outrage upon the person of her whom God has given you as your companion, and suffering ever after the stings of remorse, that she never again can feel the same respect and love for you that she could, had you been more considerate of her feelings and desires.

It will be difficult for her to be persuaded that the animal nature does not control and dominate your love for her, rather than the higher instincts of the soul.

It would be far better for every prospective bride if she suspects that the man who is to be her husband has not been informed in these things in a wholesome way, either herself, or through the intervention of a friend to put into his hands books that will teach him wisely and well these things upon which so much of his happiness depends.

I wish it were binding upon every young man before he stands at the marriage altar, to read carefully and painstakingly Dr. Stall’s books for young men and young husbands. With the earnest words and teachings of these books ringing in their hearts they could hardly live careless lives, or make the mistakes which, in ignorance of the great truths he inculcates, they might otherwise do.

CHAPTER IV.
THE CHOICE OF A HUSBAND.

Higher Standards are Being set up in the Choice of a Husband.—Should be Worthy of both Love and Respect.—Love Likely to Idealize the Man.—The Real Characteristics Necessary.—Deficiencies in Character not to be Supplied After Marriage.—The Right to Demand Purity.—Young Men Who “Sow Wild Oats.”—Importance of Good Health.—Weaknesses and Diseases Which Descend from Parents to Children.—The Parents’ Part in Aiding to a Wise Choice.—The Value of the Physician’s Counsel.—One Capable of Supporting Wife and Children.—A Dutiful Son Makes a Good Husband.—Essential Requisites Enumerated.—The Father Reproduced in His Children.—The Equivalents Which the Wife Should bring to her Husband.

“Each generation of young men and women comes to the formation of sex union with higher and higher demands for a true marriage, with ever growing needs for companionship. Each generation of men and women need and ask more of each other. A woman is no longer content to have a ‘kind husband’: a man is no longer content to have a patient Griselda.”—Charlotte Perkins Stetson.

“Who weds for love alone may not be wise:

Who weds without it angels must despise.

Love and respect together must combine,

To render marriage holy and divine:

And lack of either, sure as fate, destroys

Continuation of the nuptial joys,

And brings regret and gloomy discontent

To put to rout each tender sentiment.”

—Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

What shall be the ruling characteristics of the man I shall marry? is the question that every young girl has answered long before she may be conscious of it herself. As one and another of her acquaintances marry, she mentally concludes that this and that trait which the new bridegroom possesses, would not do at all were she the bride. And so year after year the mental, moral, and physical make-up of the man she is to choose, grows into completeness, as this imaginary being is shaped to her liking.

James Lane Allen says truly, “Ideals are of two kinds. There are those that correspond to our highest sense of perfection. They express what we might be were life, the world, ourselves, all different and better. Such ideals are like lighthouses; but like lighthouses are not made to live in, but for beacons. Neither can we live in such ideals. But there are ideals of another sort. It is these that are to burn for us, not like lighthouses in the distance, but like candles in our hands to light each step of the way.”

When you began to love you began to idealize the man you loved, and the danger is with most women, that the ideal is so near perfection that the reality brings to them a rude and dangerous awakening. Dangerous, because they allow the ideal to usurp the place which belongs to the real, and because all the way along they are comparing the real in lover and husband, with the ideal.

Therefore, dear, remember that you are human, and since the real, not the ideal matches your human nature, expect the man who chooses you, and whom you choose, to be human also.

But there are certain characteristics, certain soul-possessions, that every young woman, if she herself be really fitted for matrimony, has a right to expect; nay more, to demand, of the man she chooses. Discovering that these are lacking, let her not cheat herself with the belief that she can, after marriage, school him in these missing qualities until they are fixed traits, for the rule does not read that way. The time for easy implantation of fixed characteristics is gone, and whatever is now taken on, is apt to set uneasily. What sins and gross faults are coaxed down after marriage are very apt to leave glaring scars, both in the husband’s character and in the wife’s soul.

The wife has a right to expect that the man she marries shall be as pure as herself, and she has a right to know it. How can she know it? If she cannot devise a way to know this for a certainty, as she values her happiness, let her take no step further. Better by far, single blessedness, than marriage with a moral leper.

That many of the young men who move in so-called first-class society, are moral lepers, is as true as lamentable. The complacency with which so many parents have said, with an assumed sigh, “Young men must sow their wild oats,” has prepared the soil for this waywardness to thrive in, and the condoning which such sins receive when found in young men, has cultivated the contagiousness until its prevalence is alarming in the extreme.

Let her beware that she choose not her husband, through sentiment alone. Sentiment is an unwise guide and always purblind.

Should health be a consideration in choosing a husband? Most assuredly. Were the fortunes of none of the human family, save yourselves, affected by your choice, it would make less difference; but while with this generation lies in large measure the health and happiness of the next, the question of health in matrimony is one of great importance.

When it is no longer a disputed question that consumption, cancer, scrofula, insanity, and a host of lesser ills, are transmitted from generation to generation, any thoughtful young woman will consider her responsibility in the matter in question. If you have the spirit of the martyrs in you, and are prepared to give your life to nursing your husband and children, even this self-abnegation will not atone for the wrong of thrusting upon the world more degenerates.

You would need to trace the history of only one such family through a few generations, to note the mental, moral and physical degeneration, which results from the union of invalids. Even where but one of the parents is unhealthy, it is a sad part of the law of heredity, that the children more often follow the weaker parent, rather than the stronger.

Dr. Guernsey, a well-known medical writer, says: “Young men marrying with the slightest taint of syphilis in the blood, will surely transmit the disease to their children. Beside this, thousands of abortions transpire every year from this cause alone, the poison being so destructive as to kill the child in-utero, before it is matured for birth; and even if the child is born alive, it is liable to break down with the most loathsome disorders, and to die during dentition. The few that survive this period are short-lived and unhealthy so long as they do live.”

Knowing this, is it not true that too much has been said derogatory to the parents having part in choosing their children’s companions in life? If in anything the parents’ opinion is of consequence, it is here where the life happiness and usefulness of their children are concerned. But the wisdom of the parents must be used in the early days of acquaintance, before the attachment has blossomed into sentimental love. Then the wisdom is interposed too late.

In discovering the character of your daughter’s associates, the family physician should be a valuable assistant. If he be a friend, as well as physician, he will gladly come to your aid.

“A striking indication of the spreading uneasiness, in regard to marriage, is given in a bill recently introduced into the Ohio legislature, whereby it was proposed that all candidates for marital union should be required to undergo examination, and marriage be forbidden to such persons as shall be believed, through actual condition or hereditary tendencies, to be unfit for the function of parentage.”

Our daughters have a right to consider the prospect of a comfortable support. The man who has not already accumulated sufficient to support two, or who has not in his business relations a sure promise of such ability, has no right to ask any woman to join her fortunes with his. Love which will grow and strengthen in poverty, is beautiful in sentiment, but the poverty which nourishes such love is not the poverty which one marries into, but into which they are dragged by circumstances beyond the husband’s control.

It has been well said, that the young man who is a good son and brother will be a good husband; therefore it would be wise to accept an invitation to visit in the home of the one who seeks you as his mate. Mark well the consideration with which he treats his mother and sisters, his father and brothers, and judge whether it is assumed or natural. If he is one who demands much waiting upon at home, be sure he will expect the same service of you; and if you are not prepared to give it, or are not perfectly sure you can reform him in this respect, call a halt, and give frankly your reasons for saying no to his proposal. The leisure for repentance is far more wisely chosen before, than after marriage.

Finally in the choice of a husband, the young woman should consider earnestly, whether she would like this man to be reproduced in her children. Whether he has the tenderness, the good judgment, the wise forethought, the patience, the forbearance, the authority, the nobility of character which will make him worthy the respect of wife and children.

Honor, truth, courage, daring,—properly restrained,—purity, strength, ability to plan and achieve; authority, not stubborn, but based upon ability and power; wise judgment, and the unobtrusive use of it, are the qualities which woman desires, and rightly in the man she loves. While, in return she must bring to him as crowning qualities, or she has not dealt fairly, honor for honor, truth for truth, courage for courage, endurance for strength—in short faculty for faculty, not always the same, but an equivalent.

CHAPTER V.
WHAT SHALL A YOUNG WIFE EXPECT TO BE TO HER HUSBAND?

The Young Wife Should Seek to be Her Husband’s Equal, but not His Counterpart.—The Recognized Centre of the Home.—Woman’s True Greatness.—Man’s Helpmeet.—Mrs. Gladstone’s Part in Her Husband’s Greatness.—Should Attract Her Husband from the Club to the Home.—Continuing to be Attractive in Dress and Manners.—Should Accept both Wifehood and Motherhood.—Should Keep Pace with His Mental Growth.—Guarding Against Improper Use of Literary Clubs, Reading Circles, etc.—Solomon’s Picture of the Model Young Wife.—A Converted Heathen’s Estimate of His Christian Wife.

“This is woman’s mission, more important than generation even—to renew the heart of man.—Protected and nourished by man, she in turn nourishes him with love.”—Jules Michelet.

“The primal marriage was founded on instinct—a purely animal attribute. As humanity developed and language grew, instinct became transformed into love. To-day with the great proportion of the human family, marriage has ceased to be a nature-guided compact between the sexes, and has become a sordid money-soiled, commercial venture. Men and women are taught from infancy, that one of the chief aims of life is to marry ‘well,’ not ‘wisely.’”—John R. Stephenson.

What shall the young wife expect to be to her husband? First his equal, but not his counterpart; his complement, not his synonym. As long as the world stands, woman must have her definite and specific work in it. So long as the home exists woman will be its recognized centre.

A true woman would hardly care to exchange her delicate instinct, her deftness of finger, her versatile mind—which enables her to do the many little and great things in our everyday home-life equally well—her quick perception, her motherly all-aroundness, her sweet womanly loveliness, for any other marketable thing, or any other characteristic or capability attained by culture or training. A true woman is a woman, and she does not desire to be anything else, unless she can add it to her womanliness.

If by force of circumstances she be driven out into the world to buy or sell, to scheme or plan for self or family support, she need not lose her womanly tenderness and attractiveness, nor need she barter these for a right to stand in any position which she can fill well and with propriety.

She must needs, as she contemplates marriage, expect to be to the man she chooses, all that he lacks to make the two-in-one life a completed whole. If she have not the courage to attempt, and the purpose to accomplish this, she has no business to consider for a moment the marriage proposition. While similarity of tastes has much to do with happy mating, complementary accomplishments have also a large share in the true union of two lives.

The woman must not only be desirous of knowing about her husband’s business, but should also seek to be capable of understanding and counselling in it. In perplexity, in trial, in prosperity, she should stand by his side, to advise, to comfort, to rejoice with him.

There is a great deal of suggestiveness and significance in the estimate the Maker put upon the first wife created; namely, “an helpmeet for him,” that is, “suitable for him.” Nothing less than this should every woman be, if she is to fulfill the highest purpose of marriage.

Some one has said, “The conspicuous fact in Mrs. Gladstone’s life, is that she was the helper and fellow-worker with her husband. What he did was largely possible because she made it so. She not merely lightened his cares; she removed them. She was the first and greatest of those women, who in our times have identified their own career and fame with those of their husband’s. She showed that no career of the modern woman is more important than that of wifehood, motherhood, and the builder of a home: yet she proved that public life and civic service, can be made sweet and strong, only as the influence of a noble woman is permeating its spirit. Mr. Gladstone’s public life was celebrated for its purity and lofty quality, and in Mrs. Gladstone’s devotion and affection we can see the secret of this.”

Every young wife should be a good home-maker. An Eastern proverb says: “The wife is the household.” And the Japanese say, “The house rests upon the mother.” O woman! guard your treasure sacredly, this most priceless marriage gift, the title and blessing of home-keeper. She should make the home so attractive that no club can win him away from it in his leisure hours. She should make it, not only a haven of rest for him, but a place for delightful entertainment of his friends at all suitable times. However, the thoughtful husband will not invite his friends to his home, as a rule, without a word sent to his wife, that she may make any little needed preparation, and so be her happiest self with the guests.

I remember the advice an aged minister gave to a bride on her wedding day. “My dear, be always so hospitable that no guest shall leave your home with other than feelings of delight.” She followed this advice to the letter and many times when busy with the cares of the home, she was interrupted by the advent of an unexpected guest, I have watched with interest the hearty welcome she gave them, and the real gladness she put into their lives by her true hospitality.

The young wife should take not less, but more pains to make herself as attractive after as before marriage. A soiled ribbon, an untidy toilet, may seem trifling things, but they tell much of the esteem in which she holds her husband and her home. Not less but more care is needed to retain the love and respect of the man of her choice, than to win it. The pretty dress, the color of the ribbon, the manner of dressing the hair, are not affected, but chosen deliberately because she knows they are pleasing to him.

She should be the willing mother of his children. Marriage comprehends not only wifehood, but motherhood. To-day this is hardly believed by the many, and we may well mourn it as fatal, not only to the future of the American race, but to the best and highest interests of the home.

She should seek to keep pace with him in his mental growth, and never for a moment think that she is advancing his highest interests when she is denying herself that which would contribute to her development in order that he may advance. The marriage contract is not so one-sided a matter as this. Everything is for the interests of both, not one alone. There is something heroically pathetic in the story of Nasby’s Hannah Jane, but something perniciously unjust and blameworthy as well. Many a divorce has come from such blind neglect of self, that the interests of the husband may be advanced. “Incompatibility,” is the plea, a word full of tears, when discovered after years of married life.

The thoughtful husband will never allow such self-abnegation on the part of the wife. What he reads, she should read; and if she have not the time, he should read it aloud, while her hands are busy with the household cares. I remember well hearing Mrs. Livermore say, that she had her husband to thank for much of her mental growth, and varied information. “He was determined,” she said, “that I should read everything that he read; and many times in our little parsonage in a western state, when I was busied about the work of the home, he would come out into the kitchen, heated as hot as the fiery furnace, and read to me the book he was enjoying.”

In the line of intellectual development there is a danger that must be guarded against. In this day of literary clubs and reading circles, the ambition to excel and keep pace with other women in mental culture, will prove a snare if not guarded against.

All that the wife can do in outside work, while not neglecting the higher duties of home and heart, will only freshen and brighten her for companionship, and give her glimpses, yes, extended views, of the world and its doings, that will serve to broaden her horizon, and bring her in closer touch with her husband in his wrestlings with the affairs of life.

The words of the wise man are not obsolete, and are as timely to-day as when written. “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness; she looketh to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excelleth them all.”

A converted heathen said of his wife, “I do thank God for my Christian wife. She has been such a help to me. I nearly always take her advice. In fact I may just as well tell you that I always take it, she is so wise.”

CHAPTER VI.
TROUSSEAU AND WEDDING PRESENTS.

Husband and Wife Ruined before Their “Crane is Hung.”—The Foolish and Ruinous Display at Weddings.—An Illustration Given.—How Wedding Presents Lead to Debt and Unhappiness.—Living Does not Need much Machinery.—Mistake of Copying after People of Large Wealth.—Wise Choice of Furniture.—The best Adornments for the Home.—The Trousseaux of our Foremothers.—The Need of Simplicity.—Artificialities That make a Veil between our Souls and God.

“Be not vain, oh my soul, and suffer not the din of thy vanity to deafen the ears of thy heart.”—Augustine.

“It is possible so to complicate the machinery of living that the very life itself is crushed among the wheels. We may wrap ourselves so in comfort until our breath is smothered in the folds. The man whose wants are few is the man most likely to be found carrying a light heart.”—W. R. Huntington.

Many young married people are ruined before their “crane is hung.” Ruined through the false vanity engendered by the foolish display made in their attempt to follow the fashion in the preparations for the wedding, and their start in life.

This could not be better illustrated than by an article in The Ladies’ Home Journal, which I quote in full. While this does not typify all grades of society, yet the same spirit of show and vanity permeates all.

“A little woman who lives in one of the interminable rows of cheap, turreted, showy houses, came to me a few days ago, pale with anxiety. ‘Kitty,’ she said, ‘is going to be married to young Holt, who is a salesman in one of the department stores, and I’m sure I don’t know how we are to raise money for a wedding breakfast and a full choir.’

“Kitty’s father is also a salesman on thirty dollars a week, and there are four other girls. Oh, the scrimping and saving that have gone on in that house to turn out Kitty and her sisters fashionably clothed. The cheap cuts of meat, the rancid butter, the beds without blankets, the stoves without coal, and the unpaid creditors, scowling out of every shop in the neighborhood when the old man passes by. He toils six days every week, early and late without complaining, and his wife spends his wages for, as she thinks, the best interests of his girls.

“‘White satin, even the sleaziest, has gone up to a frightful price,’ she moaned, ‘and I dare not count what the wedding breakfast will cost.’

“When I asked why there must be a wedding breakfast and a full choir, she said, that every bride in their set had had both this summer, and what would the Holts think if Kitty came creeping like a pauper into their family? ‘The Holts,’ she assured me, ‘are high-flyers. No indeed: there shall be nothing half cut in any way about Kitty’s wedding.’

“The wedding breakfast is served and Kitty, (or Kathryn as she calls herself), is married in the white satin. She begins life in a showy, tiny house, chiefly furnished with her wedding presents. She has no comfortable underclothing or bedding, and not a dollar in her pocket. But Kathryn has her ‘receiving days,’ and is careful to order her cakes and café frappé from the caterer who is patronized by the millionaire who employs her husband.”

Not what would we like, and what can we afford? but, “What do other people do, and what would they think did we do otherwise?”—is the sentiment which controls the preparation of the young people, in all grades of society, in their beginning life together. How refreshing to find occasionally a father and mother who care little what “they say,” and who equip their daughters as becomes their station in life, and their means, regardless of what others about them are doing.

Wedding presents are a happy reminder of a happy occasion, but they often prove a snare in the demand for surroundings that are beyond the means of the recipients. “These are such very pretty and nice things that we really must have pretty things to go with them,” is the thought of the young people, and in setting up much more is spent than they can afford, and they are handicapped by debt, and harassed by worry at the outset; and what should be the happiest and most care-free time of their life is spoiled by this hydra-headed intruder, debt.

It is but a repetition of the old story of the good woman, who must have a new pair of andirons. When they were set up in the best room in all their shiny newness, a new carpet was a thing of necessity. This was followed by new chairs to keep countenance with the carpet; then curtains, walls and all must be transformed and little wonder that the good man was appalled at the cost of one pair of inoffensive andirons.

“Living does not really need so much machinery,” is a trite and true sentiment. Oh for a blessed contentment that will make us happy with that which we can with propriety have.

The trouble begins, but does not end, with the trousseau of the bride. If the means of both parties are moderate, why attempt to copy the style and quantity of those who are not obliged to count their dollars? A simple substantial outfit, with nothing that shall not be useful, and suited to the surroundings and station of the bride and groom, is an evidence of good sense and commendable taste.

Some one has said wisely, “There are no real distinctions among us, and there cannot be unless we change our republic into a monarchy. Rank is a real possession of the Englishmen, but we do not own it and never did, and in trying to set up a sham, pinchbeck imitation of it, we are losing the solid strength and repose and wealth out of our lives.”

When the bridal trousseau is wisely chosen, the home will be furnished with like taste and wisdom. The furniture that is really needed, and that of the best, dresses the house far more elegantly than can a vulgar profusion of showy articles. Tinsel bric-a-brac, cheap cushions and tidies and bed-coverings proclaim the uncultured taste of the home-keeper. Strong honest denim is far more elegant than sleazy satin for sofa pillows, and has this virtue, that it can be easily made as good as new by washing. No hangings at all are better than cheap hangings at windows and doors, unless they are of an honest cheapness that soap and water will not spoil, but make as good as new.

Our foremothers came to their wedding day supplied with chests filled with plain durable linen, of their own weaving and fashioning, bed-linen and quilts and spreads in substantial profusion; but with little in the line of showy outside dress; and their whole after lives were but the expression of the wisdom and good judgment of their beginning.

“The crying need of many of us to-day, is not for more, but less. We have too much, so that our lives are robbed of all simplicity. We are choked by our possessions, as the Roman maiden by the golden bracelets for which she betrayed the city.

“Our artificialities make a veil between our souls and God. We have not mastered them, but they have mastered us.”

CHAPTER VII.
THE MARITAL RELATIONS.

The Subject Approached With Reluctance.—The Marital State Should be the Most Sacred of Sanctuaries.—Wrongly Interpreted it is the Abode of Darkness and Sin.—Its Influence for Good or Evil upon Character.—Responsibility of Mothers for the Unhappy Lives of Their Daughters.—Commercial Marriages.—Marriage as it Should be.—The Husband’s Danger from “Aggressiveness.”—The Wife Should not Provoke the Wrongs She Suffers.—Marital Modesty.—Parenthood the Justification of the Marital Act.—Reproduction the Primal Purpose.—Harmony of Purpose and Life.—Love’s Highest Plane.—The Value of Continence.—The Right and Wrong of Marriage.—The Relation During Gestation.—Effects of Relation During Gestation Illustrated.—The Wrongdoings of Good Men.—The Fruits of Ignorance.—The Better Day Coming.

We approach this chapter with a degree of reluctance, because of the varying opinions entertained by many good people, and because of the false notions which have crept into the conception of its responsibilities, its duties, its privileges, its rights, and its wrongs.

When the marital state is entered in the spirit of Him who ordained it, no sanctuary is more sacred; when entered in the misconception of many men and women of modern times, no relation is more of the abode of darkness and sin.

Rightly interpreted, and its privileges not abused, its influence upon the individual and united lives, is second to none for the development of strong noble character. Wrongly interpreted, and its liberties used as a license for unbridled desire, while the great object for which the relation was instituted is not only not recognized, but by every means avoided and abused, it becomes a snare and degradation to the nobler instincts and aspirations, and lets in a legion of evil spirits which lead farther and farther away from truth and righteousness.

When the marriage state is entered with the fixed determination to avoid parenthood, while giving rein to lust, can we wonder at the looseness of character developed and the deadening of conscience to all sin? And what have been the causes which have led up to this state of things? False notions of life, low ideas of happiness, lack of individuality and self-assertion where principle is concerned, leaving God out of the question of marriage, and vain, untaught mothers—these are the influences which have caused this state of things.

A late writer of a magazine article has said “If the recording angel is still keeping account of human things, there are crimes going on record constantly against women, and among the blackest of these are the millions of sins chalked down against mothers who are guilty of teaching this degrading error to their daughters, that the gewgaws of fashion, the luxury of a city home, is the price for their daughter’s body, soul, honor, health and happiness. Alas! the only happiness these modern girls, raised for the matrimonial market, know, is found in the few years of innocence while they are still in the nursery. And the remedy for this evil, is there none? There is none in law or virtue, for those who have sold their womanhood for a mess of pottage. But the young may be spared. Teach your daughters, mothers, that happiness and health for themselves, and strong bodies for their offspring, are what should be dearest to a woman; that they are more to be valued than all the riches of Golconda; that marriage should be guided by nature, not commercialism. And, young women, be true to yourselves. Seek happiness and joy where they may be found. Be true to yourself, and loyal to your own womanhood. Don’t believe that love is old-fashioned or obsolete. It is eternal. It is nature’s finger pointing the way to marriage that will always be happy.”

No life can be imagined more miserable, when the first glamour is worn off, no matter how much of wealth and position and social standing is thrown in, than a loveless marriage. Every responsibility becomes a hard fact, every duty an unrequited labor, every privilege, at least to one of the contracting parties, an unwelcome and nauseous gratification, life itself a burden.

How different when love smooths the way, and finds excuse for every trifling inconsistency; when sorrows are shared, not doubled, when rights are respected, when home means wife, husband, children, happiness, with God over all.

But we will put aside all the sad pictures and think of marriage as it should be, and then measure its responsibilities. Hitherto you have, since your majority, in large measure sought your own pleasure; now you have the pleasure of another to seek; and you do it gladly. Not what is best for you alone, but what is best for you two united in making a home, in adding to the strength of both in the united life.

Much has been said, in these later days, derogatory to the clause in our older marriage ceremonies which promises obedience. In true marriages there is no thought of obedience or disobedience. Each seeks willingly the opinions and wishes of the other, and, so far as possible and best, follows them; but there must be no arbitrary wilfulness on the part of either, and each must acknowledge the individuality of the other and respect the differences of opinion. A ready yielding of trifling differences is a small price to pay for conjugal harmony, and every time it is done it adds loveliness to the one who yields.

In a late number of The Ladies’ Home Journal, Mrs. Burton Kingsland says, “A readiness to give up in little things is the most tactful appeal possible for a return of courtesy, at other times when the matter may be of importance to us. It is a high attainment in politeness to allow others to be mistaken. Let a trifling misstatement pass unnoticed where no principle is involved, and when a mistake is past remedy, it is best to let the subject drop. The argument of the ‘I told you so’ character is always quite superfluous.”

In no relation of life is self-control so needed, in no relation can it be so subservient to our higher nature.

In the aggressive part of the human family,—aggressive in these relations,—there is great danger of allowing the lower nature to dominate the higher. Passion, when master, overrides all other considerations, and the selfishness, which is so dangerous a part of human nature, sees but one thing,—the accomplishment of desire. No thought of the possible results hinders him, and while nothing is hazarded on his part, everything on hers—even this for the moment is forgotten; and afterward he may well wonder how his better self was so lost to the tender sympathetic love and consideration in which he should always hold her.

Be guarded, O husband! It is woman’s nature to forgive, and when she loves, this impetuosity of passion uncontrolled, can be many times forgiven. Aye, even when too frequent maternity is thrust upon her; but there comes a time when love and forgiveness have reached their limit, and love struggles vainly to rise above disgust and loathing, but it can never again attain to anything but tolerance.

But the wife is not always guiltless, when this sad state of things has resulted, in what should have been a happy married life. While the husband is the aggressive one, yet she may, by many little carelessnesses, and thoughtless acts, invite attentions which she afterward repels. The womanly modesty which characterized her girlhood, should always be preserved and observed; and this innate dignity, this strongly asserted individuality, will tide them gloriously over many hard places.

The custom in many English homes of each having a room, which is peculiarly one’s own, may seem to our freedom-loving natures, a cold custom; but is not this better when a proper self-control seems difficult, than a freedom which degenerates into license? True, the door between these two rooms should seldom be shut, but the fact that there are two rooms relieves of many temptations, and prevents the familiarity, which even in married life, breeds contempt.

There is a wise Eastern proverb which fits very beautifully here. “To satisfy the appetite is not always good. This will the beasts do whenever they find provender. Man alone can say to himself, thou shalt fast, because I have willed it. Appetite thus conquered, maketh man king over beasts; thus is he set apart from them, and so do his thoughts soar above the earth, even unto the region of the heavens.”

Every young person should be taught before marriage, that the closest conjugal relation should never be allowed without a willingness on the part of both that pregnancy should follow. Of course this does not always follow; but allowed with the fear, the dread, the unwillingness that it may result, it becomes a positive sin. This may seem strong meat, which almost borders on fanaticism, to some; but we are sure when it is considered in the light of the primal object of the marriage relation, it will not be thought fanatical. The very fact that conception may result at any time, proves that the conjugal relation was not instituted primarily for the gratification of the lower nature, but for procreation.

I trust I will not be misunderstood, in my statements upon this subject, for in writing upon so delicate a theme as this it is very difficult to make one’s self understood by all. If all will read carefully the statement I have just made, I think they will have no great difficulty in seeing the ground I take, and which I believe is held by all fair-minded people, namely: That while God ordained the marriage relation primarily, for the purpose of the perpetuity of the human race, as his first command to the pair in Eden would indicate, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Yet this is to be taken with all that is comprehended in the terms, home, husband, and wife.

Therefore when I say, that every young person should be taught before marriage, that the closest conjugal relation should never be allowed, without a willingness on the part of both that pregnancy should follow, I mean simply what I hope I shall make clear throughout my book; that there shall be no pandering to sexual indulgence, while there is unwillingness to bear as many children, as a proper manly and womanly Christian temperance in these things will allow.

To fix an absolute rule of practice in these things, and consider it binding upon all, would be going out of my province, and the province of this book. In this, each pair must be judges for themselves: but there needs must be, behind all their thoughts upon this subject, right conceptions upon the holy relation they have entered into.

With the above rule fixed, no other limitations, or restrictions need be made. Everything will adjust itself to this rule, and harmony and mutual respect will be engendered.

Fix also the fact that the marriage relation is not one of license, but of liberty—liberty for both equally. Not liberty for one, and the grossest bondage for the other. Nowhere does the wife’s opinion deserve greater respect and tolerance than here. Nowhere should her negative be so willingly accepted.

There is a higher plane of loving and living than the sexual nature furnishes. This has, we doubt not, been proven to most married people during those weeks and months when continence has been necessary. Then why should this overmaster other and higher considerations?

That many marriages are little better than licensed prostitution, seems a hard thing to say; but when the lower nature is petted and indulged at the expense of the higher, it is a just thing to say, however harsh it may seem. In such cases the higher nature becomes more and more dwarfed, the animal nature more and more dominant. Let the husband learn the sweetness of conquest, in the love he bears his wife, in the tender consideration for her comfort and wishes.

There is a vast amount of vital force used in the production and expenditure of the seminal fluid. Wasted as the incontinence of so many lives allows it to be, and prostituted to the simple gratification of fleshly desire, it weakens and depraves. Conserved as legitimate control demands it to be, it adds so much, and more to the mental and moral force of the man, because it lifts him to a higher plane of being, and gives to the mental and moral the vital force otherwise wasted.

Rightly conceived and lived, the marriage relation rounds out and completes character as nothing else can. It gives ample room for the cultivation of all the gifts and graces, it discourages selfishness, it mellows and softens and beautifies the individual, and gives a broader outlook on life. Wrongly conceived and lived, its results are the opposite. It narrows the life and takes all the sweetness out of it. And the products of loveless marriages, what of them? How can the children of such parents be other than disinherited from birth? Out of their lives has gone the sweetness and tender loveliness that comes of true mating, true living.

The world is full of dwarfed minds and bodies, dwarfed by their loveless and unwilling conception; paranoiacs, cranks, feeble-minded, idiotic, epileptic, diseased children, for whom their parents are in great measure responsible. And this state of things will obtain just as long as marriage is made a marketable thing, and not the heart union of two lives.

I am well aware that many writers do not agree with me in these stronger sentiments, but studying the question in the light of creative purpose I feel certain the arguments in favor of unbridled license in these things cannot be justified.

Further, there are times when by common consent there should be no amorous approaches made to the wife, and when none should be invited. Study the question as I will, I can see no law or reason which justifies the husband in approaching the wife for the purpose of sexual gratification, at any time during pregnancy. It cannot but be a drain upon the strength of the wife, and certainly can have no wholesome influence upon the unborn child, and assuredly not upon the love and respect which the wife feels for the husband.

I cannot forbear quoting an “illustrative case” entire, from Dr. Holbrook’s book entitled, Stirpiculture: “How great is the influence on unborn offspring of the mother’s mental condition, as well as the effect over them of pleasant surroundings, is shown by the following case. A young girl attracted attention by her beauty and by the superiority of the type she exhibited over that of either of her parents, and on her mother being spoken to on the subject she remarked: ‘In my early married life my husband and I learned how to live in holy relations, after God’s ordinance. My husband lovingly consented to let me live apart from him during the time I carried this little daughter under my heart, and also while I was nursing her. These were the happiest days of my life. Every day before my child was born, I could have hugged myself with delight at the prospect of becoming a mother. My husband and I were never so tenderly, so harmoniously, or so happily related to each other, and I never loved him more deeply than during those blessed months. I was surrounded by all beautiful things, and one picture of a lovely face was especially in my thought. My daughter looks more like that picture than she does like either of us. From the time she was born she was like an exquisite rosebud—the flower of pure, sanctified, happy love. She never cried at night, was never fretful or nervous, but was all smiles and winning baby ways, filling our hearts and home with perpetual gladness. To this day, and she is now fourteen years old, I have never had the slightest difficulty in bringing her up. She turns naturally to the right, and I never knew her to be cross or impatient or hard to manage. She has given me only comfort; and I realize from an experience of just the opposite nature that the reason of all this is because my little girl had her birthright.’”

The future experience of this lady was however of a very different nature. She added: “A few years later I was again about to become a mother, but with what different feelings! My husband had become contaminated with the popular idea that even more frequent relations were permissible during pregnancy. I was powerless against this wicked sophistry, and was obliged to yield to his constant desires. But how I suffered and cried; how wretched I was; how nervous and almost despairing. Worst of all, I felt my love and trusting faith turning to dread and repulsion.

“My little boy, on whom my husband set high hopes, was born after nine of the most unhappy, distressing months of my life, a sickly, nervous, fretting child—myself in miniature—and after five years of life that was predestined by all the circumstances to be just what it was, after giving us only anxiety and care, he died, leaving us sadder and wiser. I have demonstrated to my own abundant satisfaction that there is but one right, God-given way to beget and rear children, and I know that I am only one of many who can corroborate this testimony.”

Again Dr. Holbrook says: “We have evidence among primitive people that they understand the necessity of limiting offspring, and practice it in a perfectly healthful way. The natives in Uganda, a region in Central Africa, offer an illustration: ‘The women rarely have more than two or three children; the practice being that when a woman has borne a child she is to live apart from her husband for two years, at which age children are weaned.’ Seaman, speaking of the Fijians, says: ‘After childbirth, husband and wife keep apart three and even four years, so that no other baby may interfere with the time considered necessary for suckling children.’”

It occasionally happens that the wife during pregnancy is troubled with a passion far beyond what she has ever experienced at any other time. This in every instance is due to some unnatural condition, and should be considered a disease, and for it the physician should be consulted.

The husband rightly rejoices in the name of protector of his wife, and how quick is he to resent any slight or fancied insult which may be offered her. Nowhere can he show more loyally his love and respect for her, than in the tender appreciation which he shows her in the control of her own person. Nay, more than yielding simply to her wishes, he should be the leader in these things if necessary, and guide her into the stronger way.

The sedentary life of many men renders them a prey to the gratification of their lower natures. To all such men exercise becomes a religious duty, and should be practiced most persistently until their physical natures are well tired, and the sexual nature will not then dominate the finer and nobler instincts of their being.

I was pained by the remark of a cultured lady, when speaking of continence in the married life, a few days ago in my office. She said: “Does it not seem a strange thing, doctor, that among those who seem most careless in these things, are many ministers and other good men from whom we should expect higher and nobler living.” I could but assent to this, for doctors, unfortunately for their comfort, listen to many confessions of sadness and unrighteousness in marital relations, and some of them come from sources which the world would little dream of.

The lady added: “I have an intimate friend, a few years younger than myself, who married a minister, and one who stands high in the denomination of which he is a member. They have had seven children, almost as fast as it is possible to have them, and the wife is a broken-down woman, spiritless and unhappy, a common drudge at an age when she should be full of life and joy, were things as they should be. One remark shows the feeling which this state of affairs has engendered. When I asked her why her husband allowed such a state of things to exist, she said, ‘He doesn’t care,’ and she said it with such a dispirited and utterly discouraged air that my heart ached for her.”

When will a brighter day dawn for woman and for man in these things? When our young people are trained to see these great questions in the light of God’s purposes and have strength of character sufficient to make them conquerors over the false opinions of the world, the temptations of the flesh, and the wiles of the devil.

Ignorance and misconception are at the bottom of all that is wrong in the marital relation. No loving husband would for a moment allow himself to yield to the demands of his lower nature did he consider and appreciate rightly all that it meant to his wife, his unborn children and to the generations to come.