GRIMM TALES
MADE GAY
By Guy Wetmore Carryl
With GAY PICTURES
By Albert Levering
This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore,
After he’d led his young wife to a door.
GRIMM TALES
MADE GAY
By Guy Wetmore Carryl
author of
this …… and many …… other …… things!
PICTURES BY
ALBERT LEVERING
artist of
that …… the other …… and this
boston & new york
houghton, mifflin & co.
COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY GUY
WETMORE CARRYL AND
ALBERT LEVERING
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Published in October, 1902
TO
CHARLES
WALTON
OGDEN
NOTE
I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of the editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were originally published in Harper’s Magazine, The Century, Life, The Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the London Tatler.
G. W. C.
The Contents
[How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn’t be Beaten]
[How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe]
[How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten]
[How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True]
[How Hop O’ My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus]
[How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door]
[How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus]
[How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore]
[How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded]
[How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast]
[How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded]
[How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released]
[How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited]
[How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap]
[How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted]
[How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap]
[How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness]
[How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far]
[How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness]
[How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar]
How the Babes in the Wood
Showed They Couldn’t be
Beaten
A man of kind and noble mind
Was H. Gustavus Hyde.
’Twould be amiss to add to this
At present, for he died,
In full possession of his senses,
The day before my tale commences.
One half his gold his four-year-old
Son Paul was known to win,
And Beatrix, whose age was six,
For all the rest came in,
Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did
A thing that people said was splendid.
For by the hand he took them, and
Remarked in accents smooth:
“One thing I ask. Be mine the task
These stricken babes to soothe!
My country home is really charming:
I’ll teach them all the joys of farming.”
One halcyon week they fished his creek,
And watched him do the chores,
In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid
Down sloping cellar doors:—
Because this life to bliss was equal
The more distressing is the sequel.
Concealing guile beneath a smile,
He took them to a wood,
And, with severe and most austere
Injunctions to be good,
He left them seated on a gateway,
And took his own departure straightway.
Though much afraid, the children stayed
From ten till nearly eight;
At times they wept, at times they slept,
But never left the gate:
Until the swift suspicion crossed them
That Uncle Benjamin had lost them.
Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:
“It’s like a dreadful dream,
And Uncle Ben has fallen ten
Per cent. in my esteem.
Not only did he first usurp us,
But now he’s left us here on purpose!”
*****
For countless years their childish fears
Have made the reader pale,
For countless years the public’s tears
Have started at the tale,
For countless years much detestation
Has been expressed for their relation.
So draw a veil across the dale
Where stood that ghastly gate.
No need to tell. You know full well
What was their touching fate,
And how with leaves each little dead breast
Was covered by a Robin Redbreast!
But when they found them on the ground,
Although their life had ceased,
Quite near to Paul there lay a small
White paper, neatly creased.
“Because of lack of any merit,
B. Hyde,” it ran, “we disinherit!”
The Moral: If you deeply long
To punish one who’s done you wrong,
Though in your lifetime fail you may,
Where there’s a will, there is a way!
How Fair Cinderella Disposed
of Her Shoe
The vainest girls in forty states
Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;
They warbled, slightly off the air,
Romantic German songs,
And each of them upon her hair
Employed the curling tongs,
And each with ardor most intense
Her buxom figure laced,
Until her wilful want of sense
Procured a woeful waist:
For bound to marry titled mates
Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.
Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few
Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).
So morning, afternoon, and night
Upon their sister they
Were wont to vent their selfish spite,
And in the rudest way:
For though her name was Leonore,
That’s neither there nor here,
They called her Cinderella, for
The kitchen was her sphere,
Save when the hair she had to do
Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).
Each night to dances and to fêtes
Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates,
And Cinderella watched them go
In silks and satins clad:
A prince invited them, and so
They put on all they had!
But one fine night, as all alone
She watched the flames leap higher,
A small and stooping fairy crone
Stept nimbly from the fire.
Said she: “The pride upon me grates
Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.”
“I’ll now,” she added, with a frown,
“Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!”
And, ere your fingers you could snap,
There stood before the door
No paltry hired horse and trap,
Oh, no!—a coach and four!
And Cinderella, fitted out
Regardless of expense,
Made both her sisters look about
Like thirty-seven cents!
The prince, with one look at her gown,
Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down!
Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her,
Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.
The prince but gave them glances hard,
No gracious word he said;
He scratched their names from off his card,
And wrote hers down instead:
And where he would bestow his hand
He showed them in a trice
By handing her the kisses, and
To each of them an ice!
In sudden need of fire and fur
Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.
At ten o’clock, in discontent,
Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.
Their sister stayed till after two,
And, with a joy sincere,
The prince obtained her crystal shoe
By way of souvenir.
“Upon the bridal path,” he cried,
“We’ll reign together! Since
I love you, you must be my bride!”
(He was no slouch, that prince!)
And into sudden languishment
Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.
The Moral: All the girls on earth
Exaggerate their proper worth.
They think the very shoes they wear
Are worth the average millionaire;
Whereas few pairs in any town
Can be half-sold for half a crown!
How Little Red Riding Hood
Came to be Eaten
Most worthy of praise
Were the virtuous ways
Of Little Red Riding Hood’s Ma,
And no one was ever
More cautious and clever
Than Little Red Riding Hood’s Pa.
They never misled,
For they meant what they said,
And would frequently say what they meant,
And the way she should go
They were careful to show,
And the way that they showed her, she went.
For obedience she was effusively thanked,
And for anything else she was carefully spanked.
That Red Riding Hood’s range
Of virtues so steadily grew,
That soon she won prizes
Of different sizes,
And golden encomiums, too!
As a general rule
She was head of her school,
And at six was so notably smart
That they gave her a cheque
For reciting “The Wreck
Of the Hesperus,” wholly by heart!
And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,
When I add that this money she gave to the poor.
At eleven this lass
Had a Sunday-school class,
At twelve wrote a volume of verse,
At thirteen was yearning
For glory, and learning
To be a professional nurse.
To a glorious height
The young paragon might
Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,
Struck her smiling career
With a dull and a sickening thud!
(I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,
And must copy my manuscript over again!)
One day on her arm
A basket she hung. It was filled
With jellies, and ices,
And gruel, and spices,
And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,
And a savory stew,
And a novel or two
She’d persuaded a neighbor to loan,
And a hot-water can,
And a Japanese fan,
And a bottle of eau-de-cologne,
And the rest of the things that your family fill
Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!
She expected to find
Her decrepit but kind
Old Grandmother waiting her call,
But the visage that met her
Completely upset her:
It wasn’t familiar at all!
With a whitening cheek
She started to speak,
But her peril she instantly saw:—
Her Grandma had fled,
And she’d tackled instead
Four merciless Paws and a Maw!
When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,
He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood’s, too!)
This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood,
And proved by his actions to be robbin’ Hood.
Some readers will pale,
And others with horror grow dumb,
And yet it was better,
I fear, he should get her:
Just think what she might have become!
For an infant so keen
Might in future have been
A woman of awful renown,
Who carried on fights
For her feminine rights
As the Mare of an Arkansas town.
She might have continued the crime of her ’teens,
And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!
The Moral: There’s nothing much glummer
Than children whose talents appall:
One much prefers those who are dumber,
But as for the paragons small,
If a swallow cannot make a summer
It can bring on a summary fall!
How the Fatuous Wish of a
Peasant Came True
An excellent peasant,
Of character pleasant,
Once lived in a hut with his wife.
He was cheerful and docile,
But such an old fossil
You wouldn’t meet twice in your life.
His notions were all without reason or rhyme,
Such dullness in any one else were a crime,
But the folly pig-headed
To which he was wedded
Was so deep imbedded,
it touched the sublime!
He frequently stated
Such quite antiquated
And singular doctrines as these:
“Do good unto others!
All men are your brothers!”
(Of course he forgot the Chinese!)
He said that all men were made equal and free,
(That’s true if they’re born on our side of the sea!)
That truth should be spoken,
And pledges unbroken:
(Now where, by that token,
would most of us be?)
One day, as his pottage
He ate in his cottage,
A fairy stepped up to the door;
Upon it she hammered,
And meekly she stammered:
“A morsel of food I implore.”
He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two,
And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through,
“In return for these dishes
Of bread and of fishes
The first of your wishes
I’ll make to come true!”
Accepted the present,
(As most of us probably would,)
And, thinking her bounty
To turn to account, he
Said: “Now I’ll do somebody good!
I won’t ask a thing for myself or my wife,
But I’ll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.
Whate’er their conditions,
Henceforward, physicians
And indispositions
they’re rid of for life!”
The fairy’s prophetic
Announcement brought instantly true:
With singular quickness
Each victim of sickness
Was made over, better than new,
And people who formerly thought they were doomed
With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed,
And each had some platitude,
Teeming with gratitude,
For the new attitude
life had assumed.
Our friend’s satisfaction
Concerning his action
Was keen, but exceedingly brief.
The wrathful condition
Of every physician
In town was surpassing belief!
Professional nurses were plunged in despair,
And chemists shook passionate fists in the air:
They called at his dwelling,
With violence swelling,
His greeting repelling
with arrogant stare.
They slammed and they shattered,
And did him such serious harm,
That, after their labors,
His wife told the neighbors
They’d caused her excessive alarm!
They then set to work on his various ills,
And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,
And charged him so dearly
That all of them nearly
Made double the yearly
amount of their bills.
This Moral by the tale is taught:—
The wish is father to the thought.
(We’d oftentimes escape the worst
If but the thinking part came first!)
How Hop O’ My Thumb Got
Rid of an Onus
A worthy couple, man and wife,
Dragged on a discontented life:
The reason, I should state,
That it was destitute of joys,
Was that they had a dozen boys
To feed and educate,
And nothing such patience demands
As having twelve boys on your hands!
For twenty years they tried their best
To keep those urchins neatly dressed
And teach them to be good,
But so much labor it involved
That, in the end, they both resolved
To lose them in a wood,
Though nothing a parent annoys
Like heartlessly losing his boys!
So when their sons had gone to bed,
Though bitter tears the couple shed,
They laid their little plan.
“Faut b’en que ça s’fasse. Quand même,”
The woman said, “J’en suis tout’ blème.”
“Ça colle!” observed the man,
“Mais ça coute, que ces gosses fichus!
B’en, quoi! Faut qu’i’s soient perdus!”
(I’ve quite omitted to explain
That they were natives of Touraine;
I see I must translate.)
“Of course it must be done, and still,”
The wife remarked, “it makes me ill.”
“You bet!” replied her mate:
“But we’ve both of us counted the cost,
And the kids simply have to be lost!”
But, while they plotted, every word
The youngest of the urchins heard,
And winked the other eye;
His height was only two feet three.
(I might remark, in passing, he
Was little, but O My!)
He added: “I’d better keep mum.”
(He was foxy, was Hop O’ My Thumb!)
They took the boys into the wood,
And lost them, as they said they should,
And came in silence back.
Alas for them! Hop O’ My Thumb
At every step had dropped a crumb,
And so retraced the track.
While the parents sat mourning their fate
He led the boys in at the gate!
He placed his hand upon his heart,
And said: “You think you’re awful smart,
But I have foiled you thus!”
His parents humbly bent the knee,
And meekly said: “H. O. M. T.,
You’re one too much for us!”
And both of them solemnly swore
“We won’t never do so no more!”
The Moral is: While I do not
Endeavor to condone the plot,
I still maintain that one
Should have no chance of being foiled,
And having one’s arrangements spoiled
By one’s ingenious son.
If you turn down your children, with pain,
Take care they don’t turn up again!
How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard
Made Free with a Door
A maiden from the Bosphorus,
With eyes as bright as phosphorus,
Once wed the wealthy bailiff
Of the caliph
Of Kelat.
Though diligent and zealous, he
Became a slave to jealousy.
(Considering her beauty,
’Twas his duty
To be that!)
When business would necessitate
A journey, he would hesitate,
But, fearing to disgust her,
He would trust her
With his keys,
Remarking to her prayerfully:
“I beg you’ll use them carefully.
Don’t look what I deposit
In that closet,
If you please.”
It may be mentioned, casually,
That blue as lapis lazuli
He dyed his hair, his lashes,
His mustaches,
And his beard.
And, just because he did it, he
Aroused his wife’s timidity:
Her terror she dissembled,
But she trembled
This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat,
Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!
Soon made her most lugubrious,
And bitterly she missed her
Elder sister
Marie Anne:
She asked if she might write her to
Come down and spend a night or two,
Her husband answered rightly
And politely:
“Yes, you can!”
Blue-Beard, the Monday following,
His jealous feeling swallowing,
Packed all his clothes together
In a leather-
Bound valise,
And, feigning reprehensibly,
He started out, ostensibly
By traveling to learn a
Bit of Smyrna
And of Greece.
His wife made but a cursory
Inspection of the nursery;
The kitchen and the airy
Little dairy
Were a bore,
As well as big or scanty rooms,
And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms,
But not that interdicted
And restricted
Little door!
Awakened by the closet he
So carefully had hidden,
And forbidden
Her to see,
This damsel disobedient
Did something inexpedient,
And in the keyhole tiny
Turned the shiny
Little key:
Then started back impulsively,
And shrieked aloud convulsively—
Three heads of girls he’d wedded
And beheaded
Met her eye!
And turning round, much terrified,
Her darkest fears were verified,
For Blue-Beard stood behind her,
Come to find her
On the sly!
Be soon decapitated, too,
She telegraphed her brothers
And some others
What she feared.
And Sister Anne looked out for them,
In readiness to shout for them
Whenever in the distance
With assistance
They appeared.
But only from her battlement
She saw some dust that cattle meant.
The ordinary story
Isn’t gory,
But a jest.
But here’s the truth unqualified.
The husband wasn’t mollified
Her head is in his bloody
Little study
With the rest!
The Moral: Wives, we must allow,
Who to their husbands will not bow,
A stern and dreadful lesson learn
When, as you’ve read, they’re cut in turn.
How Rumplestilz Held Out
in Vain for a Bonus
In Germany there lived an earl
Who had a charming niece:
And never gave the timid girl
A single moment’s peace!
Whatever low and menial task
His fancy flitted through,
He did not hesitate to ask
That shrinking child to do.
(I see with truly honest shame you
Are blushing, and I do not blame you.
A tale like this the feelings softens,
And brings the tears, as does “Two Orphans.”)
She had to wash the windows, and
She had to scrub the floors,
She had to lend a willing hand
To fifty other chores:
She gave the dog his exercise,
She read the earl the news,
She ironed all his evening ties,
And polished all his shoes,
She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy,
She cut the claws of the canary,
And then, at night, with manner winsome,
When coal was wanted, carried in some!
But though these tasks were quite enough,
He thought them all too few,
And so her uncle, rude and rough,
Invented something new.
He took her to a little room,
Her willingness to tax,
And pointed out a broken loom
And half a ton of flax,
Observing: “Spin six pairs of trousers!”
His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers.
She met his scornful glances proudly—
And for an answer whistled loudly!
But when the earl went down the stair
She yielded to her fears.
Gave way at last to grim despair,
And melted into tears:
When suddenly, from out the wall,
As if he felt at home,
There pounced a singularly small
And much distorted gnome.
He smiled a smile extremely vapid,
And set to work in fashion rapid;
No time for resting he deducted,
And soon the trousers were constructed.
The girl observed: “How very nice
To help me out this way!”
The gnome replied: “A certain price
Of course you’ll have to pay.
I’ll call to-morrow afternoon,
My due reward to claim,
And then you’ll sing another tune
Unless you guess my name!”
He indicated with a gesture
The pile of newly fashioned vesture:
His eyes on hers a moment centered,
And then he went, as he had entered.
As by this tale you have been grieved
And heartily distressed,
Kind sir, you will be much relieved
To know his name she guessed:
But if I do not tell the same,
Pray count it not a crime:—
I’ve tried my best, and for that name
I can’t find any rhyme!
Yet spare me from remarks injurious:
I will not leave you foiled and furious.
If something must proclaim the answer,
And I cannot, the title can, sir!
The Moral is: All said and done,
There’s nothing new beneath the sun,
And many times before, a title
Was incapacity’s requital!
How Jack Made the Giants
Uncommonly Sore
Of all the ill-fated
Boys ever created
Young Jack was the wretchedest lad:
An emphatic, erratic,
Dogmatic fanatic
Was foisted upon him as dad!
From the time he could walk,
And before he could talk,
His wearisome training began,
On a highly barbarian,
Disciplinarian,
Nearly Tartarean
Plan!
And some of Macaulay,
Till all of “Horatius” he knew,
And the drastic, sarcastic,
Fantastic, scholastic
Philippics of “Junius,” too.
He made him learn lots
Of the poems of Watts,
And frequently said he ignored,
On principle, any son’s
Title to benisons
Till he’d learned Tennyson’s
“Maud.”
“For these are the giants
Of thought and of science,”
He said in his positive way:
“So weigh them, obey them,
Display them, and lay them
To heart in your infancy’s day!”
Jack made no reply,
But he said on the sly
An eloquent word, that had come
From a quite indefensible,
Most reprehensible,
But indispensable
Chum.
Jack had such a plenty
Of books and paternal advice,
Though seedy and needy,
Indeed he was greedy
For vengeance, whatever the price!
In the editor’s seat
Of a critical sheet
He found the revenge that he sought;
And, with sterling appliance of
Mind, wrote defiance of
All of the giants of
Thought.
He’d thunder and grumble
At high and at humble
Until he became, in a while,
Mordacious, pugnacious,
Rapacious. Good gracious!
They called him the Yankee Carlyle!
But he never took rest
On his quarrelsome quest
Of the giants, both mighty and small.
He slated, distorted them,
Hanged them and quartered them,
Till he had slaughtered them
All.
And this is The Moral that lies in the verse:
If you have a go farther, you’re apt to fare worse.
(When you turn it around it is different rather:—
You’re not apt to go worse if you have a fair father!)
How Rudeness and Kindness
Were Justly Rewarded
Once on a time, long years ago
(Just when I quite forget),
Two maidens lived beside the Po,
One blonde and one brunette.
The blonde one’s character was mild,
From morning until night she smiled,
Whereas the one whose hair was brown
Did little else than pine and frown.
(I think one ought to draw the line
At girls who always frown and pine!)
The blonde one learned to play the harp,
Like all accomplished dames,
And trained her voice to take C sharp
As well as Emma Eames;
Made baskets out of scented grass,
And paper-weights of hammered brass,
And lots of other odds and ends
For gentleman and lady friends.
(I think it takes a deal of sense
To manufacture gifts for gents!)
The dark one wore an air of gloom,
Proclaimed the world a bore,
And took her breakfast in her room
Three mornings out of four.
With crankiness she seemed imbued,
And everything she said was rude:
She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more,
When very much provoked, she swore!
(I think that I could never care
For any girl who’d learned to swear!)
One day the blonde was striding past
A forest, all alone,
When all at once her eyes she cast
Upon a wrinkled crone,
Who tottered near with shaking knees,
And said: “A penny, if you please!”
And you will learn with some surprise
This was a fairy in disguise!
(I think it must be hard to know
A fairy who’s incognito!)
The maiden filled her trembling palms
With coinage of the realm.
The fairy said: “Take back your alms!
My heart they overwhelm.
Henceforth at every word shall slip
A pearl or ruby from your lip!”
And, when the girl got home that night,—
She found the fairy’s words were right!
(I think there are not many girls
Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!)
It happened that the cross brunette,
Ten minutes later, came
Along the self-same road, and met
That bent and wrinkled dame,
Who asked her humbly for a sou.
The girl replied: “Get out with you!”
The fairy cried: “Each word you drop,
A toad from out your mouth shall hop!”
(I think that nothing incommodes
One’s speech like uninvited toads!)
And so it was, the cheerful blonde
Lived on in joy and bliss,
And grew pecunious, beyond
The dreams of avarice!
And to a nice young man was wed,
And I have often heard it said
No other man who ever walked
Most loved his wife when most she talked!
(I think this very fact, forsooth,
Goes far to prove I tell the truth!)
The cross brunette the fairy’s joke
By hook or crook survived,
But still at every word she spoke
An ugly toad arrived,
Until at last she had to come
To feigning she was wholly dumb,
Whereat the suitors swarmed around,
And soon a wealthy mate she found.
(I think nobody ever knew
The happier husband of the two!)
The Moral of the tale is: Bah!
Nous avons changé tout celà.
No clear idea I hope to strike
Of what your nicest girl is like,
But she whose best young man I am
This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,
Would mark the toad maybe, but ne’er toed the mark.
How Beauty Contrived to Get
Square with the Beast
Miss Guinevere Platt
Was so beautiful that
She couldn’t remember the day
When one of her swains
Hadn’t taken the pains
To send her a mammoth bouquet.
And the postman had found,
On the whole of his round,
That no one received such a lot
Of bulky epistles
As, waiting his whistles,
The beautiful Guinevere got!
A significant sign
That her charm was divine
Was seen in society, when
The chaperons sniffed
With their eyebrows alift:
“Whatever’s got into the men?”
There was always a man
Who was holding her fan,
And twenty that danced in details,
And a couple of mourners,
Who brooded in corners,
And gnawed their mustaches and nails.
Wouldn’t stay in the flat,
For his beautiful daughter he missed:
When he’d taken his tub,
He would hie to his club,
And dally with poker or whist.
At the end of a year
It was perfectly clear
That he’d never computed the cost,
For he hadn’t a penny
To settle the many
Ten thousands of dollars he’d lost!
F. Ferdinand Fife
Was a student of life:
He was coarse, and excessively fat,
With a beard like a goat’s,
But he held all the notes
Of ruined John Jeremy Platt!
With an adamant smile
That was brimming with guile,
He said: “I am took with the face
Of your beautiful daughter,
And wed me she ought ter,
To save you from utter disgrace!”
Didn’t hesitate at
Her duty’s imperative call.
When they looked at the bride
All the chaperons cried:
“She isn’t so bad, after all!”
Of the desolate men
There were something like ten
Who took up political lives,
And the flower of the flock
Went and fell off a dock,
And the rest married hideous wives!
Of F. Ferdinand Fife
Was the wildest that ever was known:
She’d grumble and glare,
Till the man didn’t dare
To say that his soul was his own.
She sneered at his ills,
And quadrupled his bills,
And spent nearly twice what he earned;
Her husband deserted,
And frivoled, and flirted,
Till Ferdinand’s reason was turned.
And his terrible fate
Upon him so heavily sat,
That he swore at the day
When he sat down to play
At cards with John Jeremy Platt.
He was dead in a year,
And the fair Guinevere
In society sparkled again,
While the chaperons fluttered
Their fans, as they muttered:
“She’s getting exceedingly plain!”
The Moral: Predicaments often are found
That beautiful duty is apt to get round:
But greedy extortioners better beware
For dutiful beauty is apt to get square!
This shows how at poker one loses his pelf
When the other’s a joker and knave in himself.
How a Fair One no Hope to
His Highness Accorded
She has slid down the channels
Of history’s annals
Disguised as the child of a king,
But that is a glib
And iniquitous fib,
For she never was any such thing:
They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,
And it’s true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,
But the rest is ironic;
Her business chronic
Was selling hair-tonic
By bottle and box!
From the dawn till the gloaming
She used to sit combing
Her hair in a languorous way.
And her suitors would stop
To look into the shop,
And stand there the rest of the day.
She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,
For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where
They stood about, crushing
Each other, and blushing:
She simply kept brushing
Her beautiful hair.
Engaged in amassing
Some facts on American life,
Was suddenly struck
By the fact that his luck
Might give him that girl for a wife!
His rashness he didn’t attempt to excuse,
He entered the shop and he stated his views.
Remarking,
“My jewel,
I’m confident you will
Not wish to be cruel
Enough to refuse.
He told her, “your features
Have led me to candidly say
That no other beside
Would I have for a bride:
We’ll be married a week from to-day!
I belong to a long and a titled line,
And the least of your wishes I won’t decline;
Next month I will usher
My wife into Russia:—
Sweet comber and brusher,
Consider you’re mine!”
She looked at him squarely,