CHARACTERS AT HOME.
MR. SAMUEL TODD ( of Cozy Cottage , Brompton ) Mr. F. Robson .
MR. CROKER Mr. G. Cooke .
MRS. TODD Miss Wyndham .
PERKS Miss Bromley .
CHARACTERS ABROAD.
SIGNOR TODDINI Mr. F. Robson .
JACOPO TERREBOLI Mr. Addison .
GRIMBALDI Mr. H. Cooper .
A BRIGAND Mr. Franks .
MRS. TODD Miss Wyndham .
MARIETTA Miss Marston .
Time of Representation —50 Minutes.
Costumes.
Mr. Samuel Todd.— First Dress; Large morning gown, black trowsers. Second Dress; Foreign cut black coat, full black trousers, white Italian hat, with black hat band. Third Dress; same as first.
Croker.—Blue coat, with yellow buttons, black trousers, colored silk handkerchief tied round his throat, broad brimmed black hat.
Mrs. Todd.— First Dress; Muslin morning dress and cap. Second Dress; Black silk dress, mantilla and bonnet. Third Dress; same as first.
Jacopo Terreboli / Grimbaldi / Brigand } Brigand costumes.
Perks.—Light coloured muslin dress and apron.
Marietta.—Italian peasant girl’s dress.
WHAT WILL THEY SAY AT BROMPTON?
Scene I.
A Parlour in Cozy Cottage, Brompton, (2 nd grooves ) tastefully furnished; door of entrance, R. 1 E.; door of Todd’s room, L. 1 E.; window, with curtains drawn, C. flat.— A large leather travelling case on chair, R. C.; carpet bag, hat case, bandboxes, and a pair of boots on the floor; fishing rod, telescope, and umbrellas scattered about the room, which exhibits the disorder indicative of preparation for a journey. A table, C., on which is a writing desk, two candles lighted, a chamber candlestick unlighted, and work basket. An arm chair, L., with concertina and case on it;— chairs R. and L. of table.
Mrs. Todd and Perks the maid servant are engaged packing the travelling case on chair, R.
Mrs. T. There, there, that will do. My pink satin dress there; my handkerchiefs; my collars—
Perks. ( snatching a pair of Wellington boots from the floor ) And here’s master’s new boots, mum, can’t you make a tiny bit of room for them between your lace cap and your Indian shawl?
Mrs. T. Perks, I’m astonished at your suggesting such an association:—put them in the carpet bag.
Perks. La, mum, there’s not room for a tooth-pick in the carpet bag; how we’re ever to get it’s jaws closed again I don’t know; and there’s a dressing case, and a box of cigars, and a fishing rod, and two umbrellas, a telescope and a pair of slippers, to be put up yet!
Mrs. T. Where’s my ugly? What can have happened it?
Todd enters, L. 1 E., with a Bradshaw’s Guide in his hand.
Todd. Here it is! I’ve found it!
Mrs. T. ( R. ) My ugly?
Todd. ( L. ) No, my dear, our route. I’ve been studying Bradshaw all the morning, and I find that if we leave—page 49—I mean, if we leave the Paddington—no—the Euston-square Station—at 7 o’clock, a.m., we can get by the Oxford Junction to—to—page—( turning over the leaves ) page—page—no—that’s the Tilbury and Southend Line. Ah! here it is!—we’re then to take the express train to—to York—where we meet the Midland Counties, you perceive, and then see—page 74—( turning over the leaves ) 74—74—74—74—where there’s a branch to the Eastern Counties that takes us to Norwich—and when we get to Norwich there’s a junction that takes us—somewhere—I don’t precisely know where—but I have a strong reliance on Bradshaw.
Mrs. T. I wish you would put down Bradshaw, Todd, and exert the limited powers with which heaven has blessed you, and help me to pack and cord these things—you leave everything for me to do.
Todd. My dear Laura, there’s the difference between us—you’re remarkable for physical energy—I for contemplative repose. The study of Bradshaw fatigues one’s mind so. ( Perks, who has been clearing off luggage, R., gets round at back to L. and takes up concertina from chair ) Mind that concertina, Perks—it’s the only instrument I play—( takes it from her, C. ), and having devoted myself for six months to “My Mary Ann,” I rather flatter myself I shall create an extraordinary sensation amongst the foreign echoes this summer. ( he commences playing “ My Mary Ann,” when a knock is heard ) Hah! who can this be?
Perks crosses at back and exits, R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. I dare say my uncle Croker—come to bid us good bye.
Todd. Your uncle, my dear, is a very worthy man. I should feel bound to respect his venerable hairs, if he had any left to respect, but that hydropathic habit he has—of throwing cold water upon everything—is very disagreeable.
Enter Choker, R. 1 E., followed by Perks, who collects some of the scattered articles and carries them off, R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. ( kissing Croker ) My dear uncle! ( Croker crosses to C. )
Todd. ( L. shaking his hand ) How d’ye do, Croker? How are you? Never saw you look so jolly in your life. ( aside ) Dismal as a cherub on a tombstone! It was very kind of you to call; we start on our tour in the morning, so you’re just in time to see the last of us.
Crok. ( C. ) The last of you! Ah, Samuel, I hope there may be nothing prophetic in your words, but I have a melancholy foreboding—
Mrs. T. ( R. ) For goodness sake, uncle, don’t talk of melancholy forebodings—when we are looking forward to the Continent.
Todd. Aye, what do you think of six months amidst the classic scenes of Italy. Fancy smoking a cigar on the summit of Vesuvius; think of dancing the Tarantula amidst the ruins of Pompeii; imagine the delicious maccaroni—and the lazzaroni—and all the other oni’s. ( forgetting himself ) Picture to yourself the indescribable rapture of floating on the moonlit sea with a lovely creature beside you.
Mrs. T. ( indignantly ) Mr. Todd!
Todd. ( recollecting himself crosses C. to Mrs. Todd ) Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Of course my dear, I was thinking of you—idealizing you as it were—in a poetic dream. ( crosses back to L. ) By the bye, Croker, is there anything we can do for you abroad? We expect to be in Boulogne to-morrow night.
Crok. ( C. ) Well, I don’t wish to alarm you—but I had once a dear friend who was lost in crossing to Boulogne.
Todd. ( L. ) Lost! hem! dear me! But with a good steamer you’re tolerably safe, I believe.
Crok. I’ve heard of several appalling catastrophes to steamers. Now, if you’d like to hear a few of them. ( sits on L. of table, C. )
Mrs. T. ( seated R. of table ) Oh, dear, no! Don’t trouble yourself, uncle.
Crok. The trouble is nothing; it is to me always a melancholy pleasure to prepare my friends for the worst.
Todd. ( seated in arm chair, L. ) We’re very much obliged to you—but we’d rather have it without preparation.
Mrs. T. Do you know, uncle, we purpose crossing the Alps into Italy?
Crok. It was but yesterday I was reading of a party of six young Englishmen being buried beneath an avalanche on the great St. Bernard.
Todd. Buried—alive?
Crok. Alive.
Todd. B—b—but it don’t often happen, does it?
Crok. Continually, at this season. Ask Albert Smith; he knows:—and what is most distressing, they all leave large families—of creditors to deplore their loss.
Todd. I’m not naturally timid; but these things are sufficient to shake the stoutest heart.
Crok. Take my advice, Samuel, and stay in your own country. If you must travel—if you must go to the seaside—have you not Gravesend, Southend, and Mile-end?
Todd. Oh, but you know, if one never moves from one’s native shore, one might as well be born a muscle—or a barnacle!
Mrs. T. Besides, my dear uncle, it’s now too late to alter our arrangements. What would they say at Brompton if we went to Margate, with a passport for Naples?
Crok. Have you considered the practices of the Italian innkeepers, who skin an Englishman alive, when they catch him?
Todd. I shan’t mind that; I’ve undergone the operation so frequently in our own happy country.
Crok. Then there’s the danger of the roads. I don’t want to alarm you; but I had a dear friend once, who was travelling with his young wife, as you might be, to Naples—
Todd. To Naples?
Crok. To Naples—where they were stopped in a lonely mountain road by brigands.
Todd. Did you say—by—brigands?
Crok. Twenty of them—all armed to the teeth. Their captain, a ferociously handsome-looking scoundrel, clapped a carbine to my unfortunate friend’s head—and—
Todd. ( earnestly ) Blew out his brains?
Crok. All that heaven had granted to him.
Todd. Atrocious wretch! And your unfortunate friend’s wife—did they shoot her too?
Crok. ( solemnly ) No—no;—it’s a horrible tale!
Todd. ( rises ) Then I’d rather not hear it. ( crosses to C. ) Laura, my dear; on reflection, hadn’t we better confine our views to Margate, this year?
Mrs. T. ( rises ) No, Todd—no. I’ve made up my mind, and packed my trunks for the Continent; and nothing on earth shall alter my determination.
Todd. Of course not, my dear—I’m fully aware of the steadiness of your purpose; but might it not be prudent—a—that is—a—advisable, to pause.
Mrs. T. You know, Todd, I never pause. To-morrow morning, at six, we start! The policeman has promised to ring our bell at five.
Todd. Then it’s fixed. ( Mrs. Todd goes up R. and crosses at back to L. )
Crok. ( rises ) Ah! well,—if you will rush on your fate!—I must be going. ( C. ) Good bye, Laura. ( embraces Mrs. Todd, L. )
Mrs. T. ( L. ) Good bye, dear uncle—good bye!
Crok. Bless you both! Hah! I wish you a pleasant journey, with all my heart. Keep up your spirits, Samuel, man is born to misfortune. ( crosses to L., then turns to Todd ) I hope you’ve settled your worldly affairs. Good bye—this may be the last time we shall ever meet each other in this world—but remember,—I tried to cheer you to the last.
Todd. ( dropping into chair R. of table ) Thank you—you’ve made me very comfortable—very.
Exit Croker, R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. ( C. ) What a shocking raven my uncle is!—He hasn’t frightened you, dear, has he?
Todd. ( seated, R. ) No—not to say, frightened—but somehow I don’t feel that glowing anticipation of our journey that I did this morning. Vague apprehensions will intrude into the—vacant mind—and damp one’s natural hilarity.
Mrs. T. Nonsense! ( lighting a chamber candlestick ) You’d better get to bed—and you’ll forget all these terrible stories before morning. ( crossing to R. )
Todd. ( rises ) Very well—I’ll follow you in a few minutes, my dear.
Exit Mrs. Todd, with chamber candlestick, R. 1 E.
Croker’s suggestion about arranging my worldly affairs should not be neglected. ( sits at L. of table and takes papers out of writing-desk ) I have some papers and documents here which I must put in order before I depart for “that undiscovered bourne from whence no traveller gets a return ticket.” Pshaw! I must not let the dismal forebodings of old Croker prey upon me! Now! think of it, I’ll light one of those Turkish cigarettes, which my friend, Captain Crasher, brought home from the East. He tells me they’re prepared with opium and produce the most tranquillizing effect on the spirits. ( he takes a cigar case from the table drawer and lights a cigarette ) This I hope will restore the serenity of my mind. Be a man, Todd! be a man! Croker’s an ass! He and his stories may go to the devil. ( smoking and arranging his papers ) Humph! ha! pooh! capital weed! ( taking up a bundle of papers ) What are these? “Accounts settled.” Um! um! ( puts them down and takes up another parcel, turning them over ) Mrs. Todd’s letters to me when we were courting. Ah! delicious smoke! A lock of her silken hair! ( smoking ) How beautifully it curls! and this brown sprig of myrtle, which she wore the night we vowed to love for ever. Ha! we were green then! Her eyes remind me of—( reading endorsement on another document ) “The last will and testament of Samuel Todd.” Dear me! what a sudden chill the sight of this solemn instrument brings over me. The paper looks so ghastly white, and the ink so deadly black; that, gazing at it as I sit here, seems like staring in the face of my own ghost. Pshaw! I’ll not give way to these desponding fancies! ( smoking ) By the bye, I may as well add a codicil to my will. I’ve been thinking about it for some time; no one can tell what may happen. Let me see—( running over the will ) “I give and bequeath all that and those”—um, um, um, um, um, um—“three per cent. consols”—um, um, um—“Shares in the”—um, um, um—“bank stock, goods, and chattels, to my beloved wife, Laura,”—um, um, um! Now for the codicil, ( writes ) “Provided always, that if my said wife shall survive me, and shall intermarry with a second husband, I hereby revoke all and every of the bequests hereinbefore contained.” That’s only justice! If it was my misfortune to be left a gay widower—would I marry again? never! At least, not until I had reflected seriously—and—pooh! Deliciously soothing this cigarette!—not until, I had weighed in my mind,—the—delightful aroma, and the—object however lovely, with—the memory of the dear departed,—and the natural—weakness of—of—my head—no—my heart—and conjugal affection.—I’m coming—my dear—com—ing!
Music — The cigarette falls from his lips, and he sinks fast asleep with his head on the desk before him. Lights down, and the scene gradually changes — Todd sinking through stage, with tables and chairs.
Scene II.
A Ruined Palace in the Abruzzi. An apartment in a dilapidated castle, still exhibiting traces of having been once occupied by persons of taste and opulence.— The hangings are faded and torn, and the pictures falling from their tarnished frames; some articles of antique furniture are mingled with others of a new and modern fashion; table up stage, L. C., laid for supper, and a lighted lamp on it; chairs, R. and L.; open window with balcony at back, C., with moonlight view beyond; doors, L. 2 and 3 E. and R. 2 and 3 E..
Marietta discovered alone, looking out on balcony at back.
Mari. Not a living creature to be seen; not a sound to be heard but the chirping of the cicalas amongst the pine trees, ( comes down, C. ) Heigho!—what a lonely life is mine! no better than a prisoner in this desolate old house in the mountains, seeing nobody but my uncle Jacopo and his frightful followers, except when they happen to bring in some unlucky traveller, who has fallen into their hands.
Enter Todd, L. 2 E., he is dressed in mourning, and wears a black hatband round a high-crowned Italian peasant’s hat; he has a brace of pistols stuck in a broad girdle, and a concertina slung over his shoulder.
What would I give for a companion in my solitude!
Todd. ( advancing, L. ) Then behold one here, most interesting aborigines, ( plays a few bars of “ My Mary Anne,” out of tune ) Excuse the failure;—my heart is true, though my instrument be false.
Mari. Pray who are you?
Todd. A man of woes and mystery; carrying about with him a broken heart, and a concertina to match. ( plays a few false chords on his concertina )
Mari. A stranger?
Todd. A weeping stranger from a foreign land!
Samuel Todd, it is my name;
Britain is my nation,
Brompton is my dwelling place,
And Naples my destination.
That’s my passport in elegiac verse!
Mari. ( curtseys ) Your humble servant, Signor Toddini.
Todd. ( aside ) Signor Toddini! I like Toddini—and I’ll stick to it.
Mari. Travelling in search of health, Signor?
Todd. No, in search of pleasure; my wife’s dead—my adored Laura ( plays a few lively notes ) who was suddenly snatched from these widowed arms three months since, in the bay of Genoa.
Mari. ( R. ) Ah! drowned?
Todd. ( L. ) Drowned—drowned—no more. Neptune, envious of my happiness robbed me of my earthly treasure—still, I don’t complain of Neptune—no, I forgive him from my heart.
Mari. But what accident has directed you to this secluded mansion, signor?
Todd. The strangest one in the world; you must know I rode out from Naples this morning to visit a celebrated ruin in this neighbourhood;—I’m fond of ruins, when they’re in a perfect state! I was mounted on my guide, while a mule carried my umbrella—no, I’m wrong, I was mounted on my umbrella, while the guide carried the mule—no, I’m wrong again—for ’twas the mule carried me. Well, I was riding along enjoying myself wonderfully, thinking of my lost Laura, when, bang came a bullet through my hat! ( takes off his hat and puts his finger through a hole in the side ) There! ( goes up and lays his hat on chair L. of table )
Mari. ( laughing, aside ) My uncle’s usual way of requesting travellers to stop.
Todd. In the agitation of the moment I unconsciously drew a pistol from my belt—it went off spontaneously—I heard an awful groan.
Mari. A groan?
Todd. A groan that made me tumble from my mule and roll down a tremendous precipice by the roadside:—a torrent roared at the bottom, in which I should have inevitably finished my tour, if my concertina had not luckily got entangled in the roots of an old tree, where I hung nearly strangled till evening, when I managed to extricate myself and crawl through the wood, until I found a path, which led me to this hospitable abode.
Mari. Then you have no idea where you are?
Todd. Not the remotest; but I can always make myself at home wherever I go. You don’t live quite alone in this tumble-down old place?
Mari. No, I have an uncle, who resides here.
Todd. Oh! ( half aside ) A joint proprietor with the rats and owls. And what is this uncle of yours, my dear?
Mari. Hem! he has something to do with taxes on the road.
Todd. I know:—a collector of Highway Rates. One of the family used to call regularly upon me at Cozy Cottage, Brompton. The fellow used to bring the Gas and the Sewers with him, and when the Sewers came, I was certain the Thames Water Company was not far off. Your name, sweet flower?
Mari. Marietta.
Todd. Marietta! Do you know, Marietta, you bear a striking resemblance to my lost Laura—you have her eyes exactly, only yours are darker—the same nose, only yours differs in shape—the same mouth, only yours is smaller.
Mari. ( laughing, aside ) A ridiculous creature! but I must try and get him out of the trap, into which he has unconsciously walked. Signor, you must not remain here. If my uncle returns and finds you, it may be worse for you, and where to put you for the night I don’t know. Hah! I have it:—you shall sleep in the fowl house—there ( points through window at back ) on the opposite side of the garden.
Todd. The fowl house! You could never think of putting me to bed amongst the cocks and hens, consider my feelings. Bless me! what a look of my lost Laura! ( aside ) I feel I’m on the brink of an adventure!
Mari. There’s some fresh pea straw in the corner, on which you can lie.
Todd. ( aside ) This tender solicitude for my comfort proves she loves me.
Jacopo. ( in his chamber, R. 3 E. ) Marietta!
Mari. My uncle! He has awakened from his evening sleep, and is coming here.
Todd. The collector!—Perhaps I’d better retire with my emotions to my pea straw.
Mari. Yes—yes—make haste. By this door, ( showing him to door, L. 3 E. ) down stairs and across the garden.
Todd. Adieu, too lovely native. Ah! pea straw with those we love. ( begins to play concertina )
Jaco. ( without, R. 3 E. ) Marietta!
( Todd rushes off precipitately, L. 3 E.; Marietta pretends to busy herself about household matters )
Enter Jacopo Terreboli, R. 3 E.
Jaco. ( entering ) Marietta! The girl can hear no voice, but her own. ( yawns ) Aw! Awh! I’ve had rather a long nap—what’s the hour, Marietta?
Mari. ( up, L. ) The moon has just risen, uncle.
Jaco. ( R. ) And Grimbaldi not returned yet. ( whistle outside, at back ) Hah! there they come. Go and open the door, niece.
Marietta exits, 2 E. R.
St. Nicholas, send us some luck! For the last three weeks there hasn’t been a traveller between Itri and Naples worth stopping, till this morning, when I had a crack at a fellow mounted on a mule, who looked as if his pockets were well lined; but he must have been the devil, for he disappeared like a stone in a lake, after lodging a bullet in Giuseppe’s shoulder.
Re-enter Marietta, R. 2 E., followed by Mrs. Todd and Grimbaldi, with a Brigand carrying luggage.
Mari. ( as she enters ) My uncle, signora.
Grim. ( R. ) The noble and excellent Signor Jacopo Terreboli, who will be proud to offer your excellency the hospitalities of his princely mansion.
Mrs. T. ( C., aside and looking round the apartment ) First appearances are not much in favour of the mansion,—or its master. ( curtseys to Jacopo ) Signor—a—
Grim. ( R. ) Jacopo Terreboli.
Mrs. T. ( C. ) I fear I am intruding.
Jaco. ( bowing, L. ) By no means, signora. I am never more happy than when distinguished ladies like yourself honour me by a visit. You are travelling, I perceive.
Mrs. T. Yes, on my journey to Naples, in search of my husband, when my vetturino was overturned at the foot of the hill.
Jaco. Accidents do frequently happen to carriages at that particular spot. But my band—ahem! my servants were at hand to render you assistance, signora?
Mrs. T. I never received greater attention in my life. That gentleman took charge of my luggage—and this—gentleman—( designating Grimbaldi )
Jaco. ( L. ) My major-domo! ( Grimbaldi, R., bows profoundly )
Mrs. T. Gave himself the trouble to secure my watch, rings, and other valuables.
Grim. A—hem! Don’t mention it. The trouble was a pleasure.
Jaco. ( crossing to Grimbaldi ) I’ll be accountable for their safe keeping, signora. ( putting them into his pockets, as Grimbaldi hands them over to him ) Your luggage shall also be taken care of.
He makes a sign to the Brigand, who has remained up stage, R., and who carries off the luggage, R. 2 E.
Mrs. T. ( C., aside ) Not to say handsome, but prodigiously polite!
Jaco. ( R. C. ) Pray be seated, signora.
Mrs. T. Thank you; but I am anxious to procure some means of pursuing my journey.
Jaco. ( R. C. ) Impossible to-night!
Grim. ( R. ) Quite impossible!
Jaco. To-morrow we can talk about it. You must pardon our rough housekeeping; but my niece, Marietta, will wait upon you. ( Marietta, L., curtseys ) Marietta! go and fetch the signora’s travelling bag; she will honour us by taking a bed here to-night.
Marietta crosses at back to R., and in action expostulates with Jacopo — then goes off, R. 2 E.
Mrs. Todd. ( L. C., aside ) A perfect gentleman!
Jaco. ( R. C. ) You said you were travelling in search of your husband, signora; may I inquire how you came to be separated?
Mrs. T. Well, it’s a strange story. Mr. Todd and myself, wishing for a little continental air, set out on a foreign tour last spring, and got as far as Genoa, where we saw the mole;—but it’s no more like a mole than I am:—and nothing would serve Todd but we should have a sail on the bay, though he knew the sea always upset me—and it did upset me—it upset us all—for our boat was overturned by a squall, and I should inevitably have died an amphibious death, if I had not clung instinctively to life;—and a vigorous sailor, who swam—and swam—and swam, until we were fortunately picked up by the boat of a steamer, bound to Marseilles, where I was safely landed.
Jaco. And your husband?—
Mrs. T. I learned that he too had been saved; but imagining I had met a watery end, he went into mourning for my loss, and to divert his melancholy, had continued his tour. I immediately set off for Italy, and succeeded in tracing him to Naples, where I was going when—
Jaco. That fortunate accident happened to your carriage.
Mrs. T. Fortunate?
Jaco. Undoubtedly, signora—since it has procured me the pleasure of your company.
Grim. ( up, R. ) Ho, ho, ho! ( Jacopo gives him a stem look ) ha, ha, ha, ha! ( aside )
Mrs. T. ( curtseys — aside ) Uncommonly well bred, ( a whistle is heard at a distance, outside — Mrs. Todd goes up stage, L. )
Grim. ( coming down, R., and speaking apart to Jacopo ) Here’s something up! The steward of a rich Englishman is expected to pass this way to-night.
Jaco. ( R. apart to Grimbaldi ) Ha! he must not be neglected. I’ll just fetch my pistols and follow you directly. ( to Mrs. Todd ) Addio, signora! A little business calls me away; but I shall soon return. Your chamber is in that corridor ( points to L. 2 E. ) First door on the right—addio! ( kisses her hand ) Ha, ah!
Mrs. T. Good night, signor. I accept your hospitality gratefully for this night; to-morrow morning I resume my journey.
Jaco. Oh! you must not think of leaving us so soon; none of our friends do—they feel themselves so happy here.
Exit, R. 3 E. Grimbaldi then makes several awkward bows, and exit R. 2 E.
Mrs. T. There’s something I don’t quite like in this house, and the people about it. I never saw a more ill-looking person than that major-domo; the way they took possession of my trunks, and trinkets—good gracious! if they should be brigands! ( she looks about the room, and runs to door, L. 3 E., which she opens, goes in and returns immediately ) No more doubt—I’m in a robber’s den! That room is full of plunder and arms! What is to become of me? That dreadful man—his looks—his words—Oh! I must endeavour to escape at all hazards—better wander all night in the forest than remain another moment in this fearful place.
She is crossing to R., when Marietta enters, R. 2 E., with carpet bag.
Ah, the girl!
Mari. ( R. C. ) Here’s your carpet bag, signora. ( puts it down, R. ) Bless me! how pale and agitated you look. ( aside ) Can she have discovered!
Mrs. T. ( L. C., aside ) She speaks and looks kindly, and may assist me. Marietta, I know all—I have looked into that room—and I have seen—
Mari. ( alarmed ) Hush, hush—my uncle!
Mrs. T. It is to escape from him that I implore your assistance.
Mari. Impossible, signora. My uncle never goes out that he don’t lock all the doors after him.
Mrs. T. But there are windows, Marietta, and here is one. ( going towards it, is withheld by Marietta )
Mari. Stop—stop!—Would you kill yourself! Hah! I have it! There is a rope ladder here, ( going into room, L. 3 E., and returning with a rope ladder ) By means of this ladder you can descend into the garden, and remain concealed there till daylight enables you to gain the high road, ( fixing rope ladder to balcony, C. )
Mrs. T. ( L. C. ) Thanks, thanks, ten thousand thanks, generous Marietta! Let me not lose a moment.
Mari. ( R. C. ) There’s no need to be in a hurry—my uncle never comes home till past midnight. You must have supper before you go.
Mrs. T. ( L. ) How kind of you, how very kind—but perhaps one day I may be able to show my gratitude.
Mari. ( R. ) Don’t mention it. How surprised my uncle will be when he finds you’re gone. ( putting bottle of wine and two glasses on table — a whistle is heard outside ) What whistle is that? Don’t be alarmed, I’ll go and look out.
Exit hastily, R. 2 E.
Mrs. T. ( taking up hat from chair L. of table ) What an extraordinary hat! ( looks in it and perceives name written inside ) Good heavens! what name is this written inside. “Samuel Todd, Brompton.” Oh, my husband! My Samuel! Can he be here. What terrible mystery have I to learn. ( puts hat on chair, R. C. )
Re-enter Marietta, hastily, R. 2 E.
Mari. Oh! Signora, ’tis my uncle! Conceal yourself in this room. ( opens door, L. 3 E. ) Here—here!—make haste!—He’s on the stairs!
Mrs. T. Ah! ( Mrs. T. runs into the room, L. 3 E. Marietta closes the door. )
Then enter Jacopo Terreboli, R. 2. E.
Jaco. ( R. C. ) The fellow has escaped us by taking another road. Hah! Marietta—not abed yet?
Mari. ( L. ) Not yet, uncle; I was waiting for—
Jaco. Waiting for who?
Mari. ( hesitating ) For—nobody—uncle.
Jaco. Marietta, you can’t deceive me—you have had some one here.
Mari. Indeed, uncle, I have not.
Jaco. ( goes to window, and perceives ladder of ropes ) Hah!—What’s this? A very pretty contrivance—I suppose, when love can’t get in at the door, he flies in at the window—and here are his wings, ( holding the rope ladder to view ) And this hat. ( taking it off chair, R. C. ) Pretty, innocent creature! He’s here, then.—( Marietta clasps her hands ) Humph! Surely I have seen this hat somewhere—Ha! this morning—and it was the devil who then wore it—or an Englishman! ( Marietta drops on her knees, crying ) Here’s the hole made by my bullet.—I’m not angry, girl—you’ve trapped the fellow I want—get up, and tell me where you’ve got him.
Mari. ( L. C. ) I c—c—r—can’t uncle—he’s gone!
Jaco. ( R. C. ) Gone! Maladetta! Take care how you trifle with me.—( Todd is heard playing his concertina outside the window, at back )
Mari. Hah! ( starts from her knees aside )—’Tis that unlucky stranger!
Jaco. After all, the bird has only fluttered a little way off.—( to Marietta ) Go to the balcony.
Mari. Uncle!
Jaco. To the balcony! Your lover calls!
Mari. But he is not—
Jaco. Silence! and obey me? ( Marietta goes to the balcony, C. The concertina ceases playing ) Well?
Mari. ( up C. ) He perceives me and kisses his hand.
Jaco. ( L. C. ) Kiss your’s in return.
Mari. But, uncle—
Jaco. ( sternly ) I command! ( Marietta kisses her hand )
Mari. Ah! he is going to mount the ladder, ( she retires from the window )
Jaco. ( L.C. ) Good!—now observe me. You must receive this man as if I were not present—invite him to supper, and make him sit in that chair. ( pointing to chair R. C.; Marietta curtseys submissively; Jacopo crosses to R. ) I shall have my eye upon you.
Todd. ( outside balcony, C. ) This is a terrific ascent!
( Jacopo retires into room, R. 3 E. and observes what passes through the half-open door; Todd is seen slowly coming into view, outside the balcony, C.; he has a red handkerchief tied round his head )
Todd. Beautiful native! You see I am here again! ( gets in at window, and falls ) Excuse me presenting myself in this miscellaneous manner—my appearance may be startling; but, I trust not, repugnant. The fact is, I couldn’t get a wink of sleep in the fowl-house—the cocks and the hens—the turkeys, and other lively insects, disturbed me so, that I forsook my pea-straw and strolled into the garden, where I beheld you at your window, and discovered the ladder you had placed.
Mrs. Todd shows herself at door, L. 3 E.
Mari. ( R. ) Preposterous fool!
Todd. ( L. C. ) In my country, ever since the invention of doors, the practice of entering a house by the window has been confined to thieves, cats, and lovers; ( tenderly ) need I say, it was in the character of the last-named interesting quadruped, I risked my neck in the most perilous performance I ever attempted on the slack-rope. ( Mrs. Todd makes a gesture of astonishment; up stage, L. ) Sweet Marietta! How I admire that name! It’s much prettier than Laura. What’s your opinion of Samuel? Do you think, in the ardent simplicity of your exalted nature, you could love a Samuel—or a Sam—or a Sammy, for instance?
Mari. Never! ( sees Jacopo, R. 3 E., who holds up his finger threateningly ) Hem! I—can’t say—perhaps, after supper. You have not supped?
Todd. Not in the wildest dreams of my imagination.
Mari. You shall sup with me, then. Sit down there. ( points to chair R. of table )
Todd. With the greatest pleasure.
Mrs. Todd retires and closes door, L. 3 E. Marietta runs out, R. 2 E.
Supper!—and I’m actually going to sup tête à tête with an angel, in this picturesque but dilapidated mansion. What would they say at Brompton if they could see me? Hah! they won’t believe me, though—when I tell them—they’ll say it was an Arabian Night’s entertainment. Ha! ha! ha! Poor fools! that’s the way they always sneer at travellers. ( sniffs ) As if that delicious odour of something uncommonly nice which assails my nostrils could be a dream.
Re-enter Marietta, R. 2 E., with a tureen containing stew.
Mari. Here it is. ( places it on table, and crosses at back to L. of table ) You ought to have a good appetite.
Mrs. Todd re-appears at door, L. 3. E.
Todd. ( sits R. of table ) Ah! I’ve the appetite of a Board of Aldermen! ( Marietta helps him to some of the stew ) And this stew is really so tempting! I’ll make no apology. ( eats greedily ) Never tasted anything so savory. Game—eh? Delicious! How d’ye make it? Infinitely superior to my lost Laura’s giblet pie! What a flavour! Ah! this is happiness! I’ll take another spoonful, if you please. Hah! I begin to feel I’m a lonely cockle on life’s dull shore.
( while he eats with his head bent over his plate, Jacopo, who has come into the apartment, R., motions Marietta away; she crosses quietly at back to R. and exits, R. 2 E. Jacopo then takes her place L. of table. Mrs. Todd retires as Jacopo appears )
Todd. ( still eating, not perceiving Jacopo ) Hah! I never thought to love again—you put tomatoes in your stew?—but from the moment I beheld these lovely features, the image of my lost Laura has been growing fainter and fainter in my bosom—like a faded daguerreotype—mushrooms, I perceive—and when I gaze on that beauteous face—( he lifts his eyes, and seeing Jacopo looking sternly at him, he remains transfixed with terror, holding in the air the spoon he was conveying to his mouth )
Jacopo. ( after a pause ) Proceed with your compliment, signor.
Todd. I—I—I—beg pardon—the—the—Collector, I presume.
Jacopo. ( brusquely ) The master of this house.
Todd. Oh! indeed! ( aside ) Todd, you are a dead mackarel!
Jaco. You tremble.
Todd. Oh, dear no, not at all. Ha, ha, ha! Merely a slight shiver—the evening’s rather cool.
Jaco. Drink then, ’twill warm you. ( pours out wine for Todd )
Todd. ( takes the glass and puts it down again — aside ) It may be poisoned! ( with affected indifference ) Thank you, I’m not thirsty.
Jaco. Then I am. ( fills for himself, and drinks )
Todd. ( aside ) He drinks himself. There can be no danger. On second thoughts, I’ll do myself the honour of drinking your health. ( drinks )
Jaco. Right. ( aside ) Now we may speak without reserve, and first to introduce myself, ( rises and bows ) I’m Jacopo Terreboli at your service!
Todd. Terreboli! That desperate robber and cut-throat! I—I—beg pardon—I didn’t mean to—( rising )
Jaco. Make no apologies, signor, I’m the identical individual;—sit down and finish your supper.
Todd. Thank you, my appetite’s gone, and if you’ve no objection, I’d rather follow it.
Jaco. ( fiercely ) Sit down! ( Todd drops into his chair ) Now we can proceed to business. ( placing pistols on table, and playing with dagger, Todd turns muzzle of pistols from him )
Todd. ( apart ) Private and confidential assassination!
Jaco. Why don’t you drink? ( pours out wine ) Every brave man drinks.
Todd. You think I’m brave? ( drinks )
Jaco. You’re a devil! And yet how we may be deceived by appearances—to judge by your looks—I should say you were a coward.
Todd. ( aside ) Nature writes a plain hand!
Jaco. But I know that in that breast beats the heart of a lion.
Todd. ( aside ) He means a mouse—the smallest of mice.
Jaco. Never saw anything like your coolness this morning, when you were attacked.
Todd. It was you then, who—
Jaco. ( takes up Todd’s hat ) Made this hole in your hat. I meant to have made a bole in your head—half an inch lower, and the bullet would have been through your brain.
Todd. ( aside ) Calculating miscreant!
Jaco. How steadily you must have aimed to hit Guiseppe in the shoulder—and then the wonderful manner you escaped when a dozen carbines were levelled at you filled me with admiration and astonishment.
Todd. Not more than it did me.
Jaco. But I don’t bear you malice, and prefer being your friend, ( gives his hand, which Todd takes in evident alarm across table )
Todd. I’m very much obliged to you—very.
Jaco. To come to the point, you love my niece?
Todd. ( aside ) He’s laying a trap for me.—Oh! dear, no, not in the slightest—I give you my word!
Jaco. Then what the devil brings you here? How is it you have entered my house, in my absence, like a thief? ( points to window ) Answer me that. ( touches his pistol )
Todd. ( rising ) Good gracious! don’t get so frightfully excited. I certainly came to—to—ha, ha, ha, ha! to take tea—with your niece, Marietta—a very amiable—in fact, I may say, a most charming creature;—not in the least like you.
Jaco. Your attentions have compromised her honour, signor, and you must make reparation by marrying her.
Todd. Marrying! Do I clearly understand you? ( both come forward, C. );
Jaco. Clearly; I have been long seeking for a man of coolness and courage, as a husband for Marietta. When you become my nephew, you shall be second in command to myself in the band.
( Grimbaldi is seen peeping in at door, R. 2 E., and listening )
Todd. ( R. C. ) Gracious powers! Have I been growing up at Cozy Cottage to be the nephew of a brigand? What would they say at Brompton to that?
Jaco. ( L. C. ) Do you accept my offer? ( handling his pistols which Todd turns away )
Todd. No—yes—can’t I have a little time to reflect?
Jaco. ( crosses to R. ) Certainly—five minutes; not a moment longer; I have a priest at hand to perform the ceremony.
Grimbaldi disappears.
I’ll go and apprise Marietta of her approaching happiness!
Exit Jacopo, R. 2 E.
Todd. In five minutes—in five short minutes I shall either be married or shot!—ha! ha! ha! ha! I must nerve myself for the tremendous alternative! ( goes up to table, sits R. C., and pours out wine — drinks )
Grimbaldi re-appears at door, R. 2 E., and goes quietly up stage, until he stands at the elbow of Todd, R.
After all, the girl adores me; she is uncommonly pretty; and if I can only bring home a tame brigandess to Brompton, what will they say?
Grim. Hum!
Todd. ( starts ) Another! where the devil do they all come from?
Grim. You are going to marry Marietta?
Todd. Well, suppose I am—suppose I intend making that superior young person my wife?
Grim. And suppose I intend making her your widow?
Todd. ( L. C. ) My widow! There’s a dark ferocity in your words that exactly matches your countenance. I remember having seen you in wax at Madame Tussaud’s. What is it you contemplate?
Grim. ( R. ) Vengeance! ( crosses to L. ) The man who robs me of Marietta, shall never survive the wedding night!
Todd. ( R. C. ) What an atrocious idea!—but you can’t be serious?
Grim. ( drawing his stiletto ) Feel the point of that stiletto!
Todd. No, no!—I can perfectly imagine the sharpness of your Italian irony!
Grim. Hist! they’re coming. Remember—if you marry her—
Lifts his stiletto threateningly and exit, L. 2 E., as Jacopo and Marietta enter, R. 2 E.
Jaco. ( R. C. ) Well, signor, are you ready to accept my niece?
Todd. Why—a—I may say—I have no personal objection—( looks at her — aside ) Positively beautiful!—But there’s a party—
Mari. ( R., putting her fingers to her lips ) Hush!
Todd. ( L. C. ) Oh!—ah! ( to Jacopo ) Allow me to speak a few words to Marietta.
Jacopo makes a gesture of assent, and exits, R. 3 E.
I’ve seen the party.
Mari. Ah! well;—what did he say?
Todd. He said he’d take my life, if I married you.
Mari. Then I dare say he’ll keep his word.
Todd. Do you really think so?—By his countenance I’d judge him capable of any atrocity.
Mari. What do you mean? I’m sure he’s much handsomer than you!
Todd. Infatuated female! Perhaps you love him?
Mari. I do.
Todd. You do. And me?
Mari. I hate you.
Todd. Then you will decline to marry me?
Mari. I must not disobey my uncle;—’tis you who must reject me.
Todd. Impossible! your respected relative will put a bullet through my head if I refuse.
Mari. And I’ll poison you if you consent.
Re-enter Jacopo, R. 3 E., and Grimbaldi, L. 2 E.
Jaco. ( coming down, R. C. ) Well, have you decided, signor?
Todd. ( looking, from one to the other — aside ) Poison!—pistol!—dagger! It don’t matter much how they dispose of me. ( in a tragic tone ) Yes! Let fate do its worst—my mind’s made up. ( crosses to Marietta, R. C., and takes her hand ) I take Marietta—with all her fatal consequences.
Jaco. ( getting at back to R. ) Bravo! Grimbaldi, this is the gallant stranger I have chosen for a husband for Marietta—welcome him as a comrade and a brother! ( Grimbaldi looks at Todd with a fierce scowl and approaches to embrace him — Todd in evident alarm tries to avoid him )
Grim. ( L. apart while he embraces Todd ) Vengeance!
Todd. ( C. staggering with affright, supports himself on Marietta’s shoulder ) Murder!
Jaco. ( R. ) I see you are growing impatient.
Todd. Oh, no! not at all—not in the least. Hadn’t we better postpone the awful ceremony?
Jaco. ( crosses at back and down, L. C. — angrily ) No!
Todd. Oh! I—I—only thought—the sudden shock—of—so much—happiness—might be too severe for her—for me. ( Jacopo touches his pistol with a menacing look ) Oh! Come, Marietta! ( offers his arm to Marietta, and sees Grimbaldi threatening him with his stiletto ) Let us proceed—to execution!
Exit Todd, leaning on Marietta, followed by Jacopo and Grimbaldi, threatening, R. 2 E.
Re-enter Mrs. Todd from door, L. 3 E.
Mrs. T. What a discovery I have made! Samuel, my husband, who I fondly fancied passed his nights watering his lonely pillow with his tears, and his days in writing elegies to the memory of a beloved wife, to have forgotten me so soon. Not three months a widower, and the unconscionable wretch has ideas of entering the marriage state again. I flattered myself my system of matrimonial discipline would have deterred him from a repetition of such folly. But some men are never to be taught. How he got into this house, I can’t imagine—but the object of his visit is apparent; he comes to make love to the Signor’s niece—a pastime that I shall take the liberty of interrupting.
Re-enter Grimbaldi, R. 2 E.
Grim. I can’t stand it any longer. Diavolo! I had a good mind ( threatening with dagger ) but Terreboli’s eye was upon me, and I durst not move a finger.
Mrs. T. ( L. ) You seem agitated—what has happened?
Grim. ( R. gloomily ) Oh, nothing! but—torture!—she is married!
Mrs. T. Who’s married?
Grim. She—she—Marietta—married—to—ten thousand fiends!
Exit in a state of desperation, R. 3 E.
Mrs. T. Married to ten thousand fiends! I wish I could find my little fiend—stop—stop—explain yourself.
Exit after Grimbaldi, R. 3 E,
Re-enter Todd, leading Marietta from R. D. 2 E.; he hands her across stage to L. D. 2 E. and she exits, slamming door in his face.
Todd. It’s all over! The desperate deed is done—I’m married—married—married! To be sure that’s an accident to which our weak sex is continually exposed; but, to be married to a lovely rattlesnake, and be in danger of my life from a ferocious rival—that’s horrible! ( calling at door, L. 2 E. ) Marietta! Perhaps she’ll relent now she’s my wife! If she only listens to me. Marietta! ( tries door and finds it fastened ) She’s fastened the door! ( speaking through the keyhole ) Marietta! my angel!
Re-enter Mrs. Todd, R. 3 E.
Mrs. T. ( R., sees Todd ) ’Tis he!
Todd. ( speaking through keyhole, L. 2 E. ) One word! one little word, from those sweet lips, ( to himself ) No answer? Put one of those brilliant eyes to the keyhole, and observe me ( takes chair, and sits opposite door ) kneeling on my knees before your door, and swearing never to quit this painful posture till you take pity on me.
Mrs. T. ( coming down a little R., aside ) Traitor!
Todd. ’Tis I—your adoring Toddini!
Mrs. T. ( aside ) Villain!
Todd. You know—you’re the only woman I ever loved!
Mrs. T. ( shouting ) Samuel!
Todd. ( starting up, and retreating, L. ) Gracious powers! that voice—you’re not?—
Mrs. T. I am.
Todd. My lost Laura?
Mrs. T. ( R. ) Your living wife!
Todd. ( L. ) Impossible! You know you’re dead—you’re the late Mrs. Todd—you’re a blest shade.
Mrs. T. ( goes up to him and leads him down stage by the ear, then slaps his cheek ) Will that convince you?
Todd. Material evidence! I’m wrong! That rap was not a spirit’s. You are my lamented Laura—to whose memory I ordered such a lovely monument to be erected in Kensal Green, that you’ll regret you’re not dead when you see it.
Mrs. T. ( R. ) Tell me directly, sir—to whom were you speaking?
Todd. ( L. ) Hush! She’s there. ( pointing to door, L. 2 E. )
Mrs. T. Who?
Todd. Marietta.
Mrs. T. Marietta! Ha!—the girl! She was married this evening—to whom?—speak—to whom?
Todd. Forgive me, my beloved Laura.—How shall I tell you—how shall I shock your strict sense of propriety when you hear that your unfortunate Samuel—the husband of your bosom—and the father—I mean the prospective father of your children—is—is—look at me—much injured woman—and behold a perfect specimen of—of—a—
Mrs. T. Monster!
Todd. Monster’s the word! A man with two wives must be a monster; but I’m an innocent monster!
Mrs. T. Wretch! Was not one good one enough for you? Where is the creature? ( attempting to cross to L. D., is withheld by Todd )
Todd. Don’t—don’t. She’s a rattlesnake!
Enter at the same moment Marietta from L. 2 E., and Jacopo from R. 2 E.
Jaco. ( R. ) What’s the matter now?
Todd. ( C. ) Don’t ask particulars. Suffice to know that nature intended me for a bridegroom; but fate has made me a double-wived monster.
Mrs. T. ( L. C. ) The wretch speaks the truth—I am his lawful wife.
Jaco. How! And he has married my niece! ( takes a pistol from his belt )
Todd. But I’m innocent—why don’t you speak, Mrs. Todd—you know I’m innocent, my love.
A Brigand enters hastily, R. 2 E.
Brig. ( R. ) Captain, the soldiers are approaching on all sides!
Jaco. ( R. ) Cospetto! Then we must fly; but first set fire to the house on all sides—they shall only find a heap of ashes when they come.
Todd. Come, my adored Laura. ( he offers his arm to Mrs. Todd, L. C., who turns away scornfully )
Mrs. T. ( crossing to R. ) Good night—for ever!
Exit, R. D. 2 E.
Todd. ( offering his arm to Marietta, L. ) Come, Marietta.
Marietta turns away angrily, and crossing, R., exits, R. D. 2 E.
Ungrateful sex—after marrying them both! ( taking Jacopo’s arm, R. ) Come, signor; let us fly together!
Jaco. ( R. ) No, you remain here.
Points pistol at him, and exits, R. D. 2 E.
Todd. Hold! You’re never going to roast me alive—to leave me to grill my own bones. Hollo! this is murder. Ho! Somebody! Help! Is there no way of escape? ( runs to the several doors — opens them, and discovers fire in each ) Hoh! Police! Police! Help! I’m beginning to singe already! Oh! if I had had the luck to be born a salamander! Oh! Hah! a thought—the rope ladder from the window—that way is open!
( goes towards window, when Grimbaldi appears outside on the ladder, menacing Todd with his stiletto )
Ah! ( staggers back )
Grim. I told you I would be revenged! I’ve kept my word! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Todd. Remorseless demon!
( Grimbaldi disappears, and flames appear at the back through window )
Todd. Oh! ( drops into chair, C. ) I shall be broiled alive! phew! I’m stifled! help! murder! ( starts up again ) Hoh! water! water! air! oh! two wives! two—too much—ooh! h—he—lp!
( the smoke appears to fill the room, and conceals him from the view of the audience; after a short interval the smoke clears gradually away; the Scene sinks, and changes to )
Scene III.
Todd’s Parlour in Cozy Cottage.—( Same as Scene I.)
Todd is discovered asleep, as at the close of the first scene; the candles which were then long, have burnt down in the sockets.
Todd. Call the police! call the fire brigade! help! help! murder!—two wives—Marietta—Mrs. Todd—murder—bigamy—
Enter Mrs. Todd hastily, ( dressed as in Scene I.) R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. Samuel, my dear, what’s the matter?
Todd. Murder! Cospetto! Maladetta!
Mrs. T. Why, Samuel, Samuel! ( shaking him ) You’re asleep—waken—will you—you’ve slept here all night.
Todd. ( starts up and staggers about ) Hoh! help—police—fire—water—she’s a rattlesnake—a fiend—a demon—a—Lau—Laura—
Mrs. T. ( holding and shaking him ) Todd—Todd—Samuel!
Todd. ( becoming conscious and rubbing his eyes ) Hoh! what? Bless me! where am I?
Mrs. T. ( R. ) Where should you be but in your own parlour?
Todd. ( L. ) My own parlour? And you are—
Mrs. T. Don’t you see—I’m your own Laura—your dear wife?
Todd. My wife! but where’s the other? Where’s my rattlesnake?
Mrs. T. Why, Sam, you’re not awake yet—you’re still dreaming. You would sit up last night over those papers, ( goes to table, C. ) and you’ve been smoking a filthy cigar.
Todd. An opium cigar! that’s it! Then I’m not a brigand with two wives! Laura, my love, come to the arms of your doting husband. ( they embrace — door bell rings outside )
Mrs. T. There’s the policeman who was to ring the bell at five o’clock. You know we start at six.
Todd. Oh, yes, to be sure! I’ll be ready in five minutes. But first a word with our friends. ( to audience ) If I have been dreaming that you are pleased, pray don’t dispel so pleasant an illusion—but, with your usual good nature—give me a lucky omen for my dream to-night and to-morrow.—“What will they say at Brompton?”
Mrs. T. R.
Todd. L.
Curtain.