The Works of the
Rev. John Wesley, M.A.

Transcriber’s Notes

The cover image was provided by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.

Punctuation has been standardized.

Most of the non-common abbreviations used to save space in printing have been expanded to the non-abbreviated form for easier reading.

The author has used an asterisk (*) to indicate passages he considers most worthy of attention.

The text is very inconsistent in its usage of quotation marks. The transcriber has attempted to make their use consistent throughout this work for improved readability.

This book was written in a period when many words had not become standardized in their spelling. Words may have multiple spelling variations or inconsistent hyphenation in the text. These have been left unchanged unless indicated with a Transcriber’s Note.

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Footnotes are identified in the text with a superscript number and are shown immediately below the paragraph in which they appear.

Transcriber’s Notes are used when making corrections to the text or to provide additional information for the modern reader. These notes are identified by ♦♠♥♣ symbols in the text and are shown immediately below the paragraph in which they appear.

THE
WORKS
OF THE
Rev. JOHN WESLEY, M.A.
Late Fellow of Lincoln-College, Oxford.

Volume XII.

BRISTOL:

Printed by WILLIAM PINE, in Wine-Street.

MDCCLXXII.

THE
CONTENTS
Of the Twelfth Volume.

An Extract of the Life and Death of
Thomas Walsh.

PART III.

[Chapter IV.] Of his last sickness.

An Extract of the Life of the late Rev.
Mr. David Brainerd.

[Part I.] From his birth to the time when he began to devote himself to the study of divinity.

[Part II.] From the time that he began to devote himself to the study of divinity, till he was examined and licensed to preach.

[Part III.] From the time of his being licensed to preach, till he was appointed missionary to the Indians.

[Part IV.] From the time of his being appointed missionary, to his entrance on his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek.

[Part V.] From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at Kaunaumeek, to his ordination.

[Part VI.] From his ordination, till he began to preach to the Indians at Crosweeksung.

[Part VII.] From his first beginning to preach to the Indians at Crosweeksung, till he returned from his last journey to Susquahannah.

[Part VIII.] After his return from his last journey to Susquahannah, until his death.

An EXTRACT of the
LIFE AND DEATH OF
THOMAS WALSH.

PART III.

CHAPTER IV.

Of his last sickness and death.

HIS state of body in general (as has been related) was that of a lingering death, which however, being interspersed with intervals of comparative health and strength, admitted of his still going on, in the work of his calling. But by his last sickness is meant, that degree of disease, which admitted of no such interval; and at last took him off entirely, from all mental or bodily labour, and ended in his removal hence.

This his last illness may be dated from February 24, 1758, a few days after his arrival at Bristol, in his way to Ireland. After preaching twice as usual, and studying hard all day, he was seized with violent pains in his head, and in all his bones. He however rose the next morning at his usual time, and preached; retiring afterwards to his daily exercises; but still feeling the pressure of the disorder, “My body says he, trembled with weakness, but my soul was happy in God!”

He avoided yielding to his pains, and proceeded in his Lord’s work as usual, for several days: till at length he was constrained to take his bed. Here he was confined for several days; and taking exact notice, (as his disorder admitted) of the state of his heart, according to his constant custom, and growing something better, he wrote from the fulness of his heart his state and sentiments as follows,

“Saturday March 4. (The day he took his bed) good is thy will O Lord. Thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth. Thou reignest in righteousness; though no man can know love or hatred, by all that is before him, Ecclesiastes ix. Thou givest account of thy ways to none; but assurest the righteous, that it shall be well with him; and that thy corrections are with this design, that we may partake of thy holiness. I am in thy hands, O my God: work thy perfect will in me, and sustain me in this trial. I call upon thee in the day of trouble; and believe thou wilt deliver me, and that I shall glorify thee, and praise thee yet more and more. Thus (as he concludes) I went to bed very ill, and happy.

“Sunday 5. My illness continued and encreased. I had not much consolation, but was graciously preserved from buffetings. Monday 6. Continued in soul as yesterday only with more examination. Tuesday 7. I had scarcely any alteration in body or soul. I cried to God, and he heard me; but the sweet and usual returns of prayer were not. Wednesday 8. God gave me to weep much for the sins of my whole life. Thursday 9. My pains and pleasures, corporal and spiritual, were as the day before. Friday 10. I had more consolation of soul. Saturday 11. The spirit of prayer was plentifully imparted to me: I could plead the mercies, and promises, and merits of God my Saviour, and his love and joy were more plentifully poured into my soul. Sunday 12. I had gracious intimations of the good will of God towards me in this sickness.

“Monday 13. I was able to read and pray, and advise friends to love God and seek him in good earnest, while they had strength. Tuesday 14. I was better still, and prayed for the increase of holy love in the children of God, and for the propagation of the faith in all nations.”

Besides this daily minuting down the state of his soul, he on a general review (as was his constant manner on these occasions) of the whole, has, among several other particulars, the following observations,

*“I had a constant witness from the Holy Ghost, that I was a child of God. However, the sins of my whole life were brought to my remembrance; particularly those of my heart; the manifold backslidings known only to God. For altho’ God preserved me from falling even once, into those sins, in which I lived in the days of my ignorance; nevertheless I saw my pride, desire, self-will, self-indulgence, levity, and misspending time.[¹] I may add to these, my want of love to God, charity to my neighbour, and more serious concern for my own soul. I saw how wonderfully the Lord had dealt with me, raising me from the dust, and giving me so many and invaluable blessings; so that I ought, more than all men, to serve and love him.”

[¹] So severe a judge was he of himself, while in the judgment of all who knew his manner of life, he was exemplarily remarkable for the direct contrary. But “the highest flames (to use the words of the great, and pious bishop Taylor) are the most tremulous; and so the most holy and eminent religious persons, are more full of awfulness, and fear, and modesty, and humility. And it is a sure rule, that whatsoever heights of piety, union or familiarity, any man pretends to, it is of the devil, unless the greater also be the humility of the man.”

“I was moreover deeply convinced how possible, yea easy it is, for a person after having received great light, love, power, and joy, to fall notwithstanding, into a certain dulness of soul; and that holy desires, vehement thirstings after God, and the spirit of prayer, may be lessened, and lost. Truly we can keep nothing unless the Holy Ghost help our infirmities continually.

*“But the grand lesson of all which in this little interval I learned was, the absolute necessity of being free from persons, things, and places. I saw what a tendency the soul has to rest in something beside God; I saw that even when we give up our beloved sins, and all temporal things, we are nevertheless apt to rest in the gifts and graces of God; making them as it were our Saviour, and comforter instead of Christ.”

*“I saw farther, how deeply the love of life and learning had been rooted in my heart: and that God saw it necessary to correct me often, to shew me the vanity of both.”

*“I believe he is resolved to save my soul to the uttermost; and he uses various ways to accomplish this end. I believe this sickness will be of great service to my soul, and perhaps of more use to the children of God, than my labours could be. My desire is only to live wholly to him, and to get more of the love and life of Christ. Lord look upon me, a weak and unconstant man, and strengthen, and establish my heart with thy love.

“In exhorting the believers, I found much of divine consolation. O how sweet were these two hours; and how short! Love is a wonderful thing.”

Sunday 26. I was in a high fever, yet when I got with the family, I forgot my pain, while we conversed of the love of God. It being Easter-day, I examined what I had gained since last Easter? And I trust God has given me more humility, patience, and likeness to himself.”

He was detained at Bristol, thro’ his illness, longer than he had intended; and was but slightly recovered, when he was told of a ship, just ready to sail for Cork. Being resolved on the journey, and willing to embrace the very first opportunity, weak as he was, he embarked at Pill on the 13th of April. The passage was [♦]extremely dangerous; insomuch, that the mariners themselves, looked for nothing less than perishing, so boisterous were the winds and the seas. But see the blessedness of being true believers in Christ! *Tho’ they expected every moment to go to the bottom of the great deep; “Yet God, says he, gave me more faith, and patience, and joy, than ever I felt before. I could not see death terrible to me. I prayed, and praised God incessantly; for sleep I could not an hour while on board; and neither could I eat. But Christ was with me in all, and supported me. I pleaded with the Lord in behalf of the passengers, beseeching him that he would not take them away in their sins. They cried out vehemently, ‘We are not fit to die!’ On their account I did not desire to sleep; I cried aloud to God in prayer in the cabbin; and they gladly attended then. On Saturday the wind abated, and the next day we landed safe in Cork.”

[♦] “extremly” replaced with “extremely”

*On my hearing of his arrival (being then in the county, and it being many months, since we parted at London) I hastened to see him; and can never forget the idea, which the first sight of him gave me, of a man in deep fellowship with God. On my opening his room door, and just appearing, he got up from his chair, being in deep contemplation, and with a spirit and countenance, composed and solemn as the grave, he said with a low voice, ‘God bless you.’ We embraced each other with tears; after which kneeling down, he prayed, as to a present God indeed! with such melting and moving expressions, and with such reverential confidence, as surpassed all that I had known and admired in him before; and plainly discovered his having entered since we parted, much further into the holiest, by the blood of Jesus.

*During the time he stayed here, I was a daily witness of his manner of life; and saw with much concern, his swift approaching end. He had most of the symptoms of a consumption, in its last stage: which increased upon him every day. The silver cords of life began to loosen, and the golden bowl, the whole of this wonderful, and curiously wrought machine, to be broken. He had an intermitting fever, which returned regularly every day about eleven o’clock; an habitual cough, and most profuse night-sweats; all which had now so emaciated and weakened him, that the marks of death already appeared upon him. And yet notwithstanding this, he still so desired to discourse of the things of eternity, that, while he was at all able to stand, or speak, he could not be dissuaded from preaching: and altho’ he brought into the pulpit the very image of death upon his face, so that it could hardly be expected he should speak ten minutes; he has nevertheless preached a full hour, to the astonishment of all who heard him. One would have thought he must have dropt down dead immediately after.

His internal state, still the object of his close attention, during his continuance at Cork, where there is reason to believe he began first, to think, this sickness would be unto death, he summarily expresses thus.

*“Saturday April 29. My soul truly waiteth upon God. My body feels pain and weakness; but my soul enjoys the living fire of the Holy Ghost! Oh, may I die the death of the righteous: and let my last end be like his! I wait for thy salvation, O Lord! Weak I am, but cannot be moved while Jesus is my strength. O that every pain may but increase my love to God! I am supported by the fire within, and by believing that Jesus is at the right-hand of God.”

The time being come which he had appointed for leaving Cork, and going on to Limerick; being attended by his own brother: another friend and I, accompanied him a dozen miles on the way. At the inn where we stopped, he discoursed to us at dinner, of the things pertaining to the life of a Christian, respecting particular instances of conduct; but his weakness prevented him saying as much as we could have desired. *I shall never forget our parting! The other persons being gone down stairs, after he had said some particular things to me, we kneeled down, and prayed together, for the last time! We then took our final farewell of each other in this world! He went on his way, and I went mine; each of us expecting to meet no more, till we met in happier climes, and in a better world!

*I do not find, that from this time, he kept any further account in writing, of the daily state of his soul; owing, I am inclined to think, to the violence of his disorder, which increased now, almost every hour; and which weakened and impaired the faculties of his mind, as well as the strength of his body. Hence, beholding things thro’ so defective a medium, he became in reality, an unfit judge of his own state. The influence which this kind of disorder in particular, frequently has upon the powers of the mind, is well known, even to the representing things which concern one’s self, and others, often directly contrary to what they really are.

He had the judgment and advice of the best physicians, wherever he came; who on the slightest intimation, offered their assistance with all chearfulness, neither expecting nor desiring any other gratuity than, (as one of them once expressed) “the prayers of Mr. Walsh.” They generally agreed, that his disorder was brought on thro’ excessive labour—frequent, and loud preaching, intense application to study, want of proper, and sufficient rest: and fatigue in general. They likewise judged, that his case was now past all remedy.

*It was however judged advisable, that he should be removed from Limerick, to the more free and open air of the country. He went thither accordingly, where he had the tenderest and most affectionate attendance, with whatsoever was judged most proper to alleviate the rigour of the disease, and restore him, if God should so please, to health. But it was now too late! And his friends perceiving, that neither air nor physic availed any thing, they according to his own inclination and desire, removed him to Dublin. His next remove, was to the city of the great King, the paradise of God!

Concerning the state of his soul, for a few months before his death, as he wrote nothing on the head during that time, we can speak with less certainty, than of what has been already related. And embarking for England soon after we parted, I neither saw nor heard, any thing particularly concerning him, till a letter brought the tidings of his being no more in this world. But from the accounts of persons of undoubted veracity, who attended him during that time, we learn, that his state was not indeed joyous, but grievous. *He drank of his Lord’s cup of sorrow, and was in truth deeply, baptized with his baptism. He was immerged in affliction’s furnace and plunged in the deepest waters.

“His flesh chastized, with tort’ring pain

His soul, and sickness clave his bones;

Keen anguish dwelt in ev’ry vein,

And sadly turn’d his breath to moans.

Sorrow was all his soul; he scarce perceiv’d,

But by the pains he suffer’d, that he liv’d!”

He was tempted, and sorely buffeted of the devil. The nature of his disorder exposed him to a degree of precipitancy, and discomposure, which he was more than superior to, while in better health. In short, so did the wisdom of God permit, that thro’ the malice of Satan, the extreme violence of his disorder, and the concurrence of several other circumstances, this servant of God, was brought to the utmost extremity of spiritual distress and anguish, consistent with keeping the faith: insomuch that it was but few degrees removed from despair.

“His agonizing soul sweat blood!

With Christ he fainted on the tree,

And cry’d in death, ‘My God, my God,

Ah! Why hast thou forsaken me?’”

*His great soul lay thus, as it were in ruins, for some considerable time; and poured out many a heavy groan, and speechless tear, from an oppressive heart, and dying body. He sadly bewailed the absence of him, whose wonted presence had so often given him the victory, over the manifold contradictions and troubles, which he endured for his name-sake. A heart so sensible of the visits of its Lord, and so restless at his smallest absence, as his was throughout his warfare, must needs be deeply afflicted when left, seemingly to its own poverty, and surrounded as it were with hosts of infernal fiends, seeking to devour him. The intervals which he had of cessation from the extremity of the conflict, and of comparatively quiet confidence in God, are not perhaps so well known: but that he had such, may well be supposed; for otherwise his soul and flesh must needs have failed before God.

It was however not till a short time before his complete and eternal deliverance, that his Lord appeared to his help: and by making himself known, as Jesus, his well known Saviour, entirely eased the anguish of his oppressed soul! The beams of his brightness dispersed the clouds: and the smiles of his countenance more than compensated for all his night of sorrow. He spoke and said unto him, The winter is passed; arise my love and come away!

*The manner of his deliverance was as follows. A few friends being at prayer with him, on Sunday evening; as soon as they concluded, he desired to be left alone, in order, as he said, “to meditate a little.” They withdrew; and he remained deeply recollected for some time: just then, God, dropping into his soul, no doubt, some lively foretaste of the joys to come, and spreading the day of eternity thro’ the regions of his inward man; he burst out in transport, and pronounced, in a dying voice indeed, but with the joy of angels!——“He is come!——He is come!——My beloved is mine, and I am his!——His for ever!” And uttering these words, he sweetly breathed out his soul into the arms of his beloved; on the 8th day of April 1759, and in the 28th year of his age.

The CONCLUSION.

WE cannot sufficiently admire and adore, the unsearchable counsels, and impenetrable secrets of God our Saviour, with respect to the management of his kingdom, and the disposal of his servants. Two reflections are natural, on considering the preceding account in general.

*1. To see a man delivered from the blindness of error and superstition, and brought into the light and enjoyment of truth; the knowledge of the true God and of his spiritual worship—to see him brought out from the obscurity of retirement, and that by the remarkable interposition of divine providence, in order to spread the savour of the knowledge of God, among mankind, in the most public manner—to consider him as singularly fitted for this, by knowledge, by the word of truth, dwelling richly in him; by purity, by zeal for God’s glory, by the armour of righteousness, and by the power of God, attending his word—To see such an one cut off from among men, in the prime of life, just fully furnished for promoting the kingdom of the Son of God, to which he was entirely devoted, is a thing which will be acknowledged to confound human understanding.

Without entring deeply into the matter, one may easily learn herefrom, at least a confirmation of that weighty truth, that God is not worshipped, or served by mens hands, as tho’ he needed any person or thing. He leaves no one any room to say or think within themselves, that the cause and glory of God needed them, or at least had some connexion with our standing or being removed. He is at no time at a loss how to serve his own glory, and the necessities of his creatures. Hereby moreover he would stain the pride of human glory; and teach us, what can never be too fully learned, to walk humbly with our God; not to judge according to appearances; and to learn to conceive of things and persons, not according to bare human estimation, but according to the will of God. O that we may learn from every occurrence, to fly to him, in all our affections and desires! Then whenever our change comes, we shall be welcomed by superior beings, and not much missed by men, who delight in novelties.

Whatever secret reasons might be the cause of such a procedure, in the divine disposals; whether ingratitude, or something bordering upon idolatry in the people, or whatever was the cause, certain it is, that we need never fail to reap instruction and advantage, from such awful providences; the decease of our dearest friends, since

“For us they languish, and for us they die!”

2. But what may seem most strange is, that a person so eminent for piety, so laborious for God’s glory; so exemplarily religious, in the whole of his conversation; so useful to others: in a word, so entirely, and unreservedly devoted to Christ, should in the time of his greatest necessity, be so destitute of spiritual comfort. And it must be acknowledged, in great measure, to be a part of those ways, of which God giveth account to none. His [♦]judgments are unsearchable, and his ways past finding out. His way is in the sea, and his paths in the great waters; and his footsteps are not known. And who shall say to God, “What dost thou?” “What I do thou knowest not now,” is indeed applicable to the general course of God’s providences; and to much of the experience of Christians in particular; and perhaps this is the best footing on which to rest the present case, namely the mysterious councils of God, with respect to his dealings with his servants: with him we are considering in particular.

[♦] “judgment” replaced with “judgments”

Who can account for that providence which left the life of so holy a person as John the Baptist, in such infamous hands! Which permitted it to be sacrificed to the malice of an abandoned harlot, the petulancy of a vain girl, and the rashness of a foolish, perhaps drunken prince, who made a prophet’s head the reward of a dance? The same reasoning has weight, with respect to the treatment which he has permitted his most eminent servants in all ages to meet with. It is the fixed decree of heaven, concerning the righteous, that through much tribulation (outward or inward, or both) they must enter the kingdom of God. And the most part of ecclesiastical story, is in great measure no other than a comment on this great truth; which likewise receives abundant confirmation from numberless parts of holy scripture.

There may be, for ought that can be known by us, a certain resemblance in some particulars, between his case of whom we speak, and that of Job (see chapter ii. 3–6.) But in both, and indeed in all resembling instances, the hand of the Lord is visibly seen; that he is pitiful, and of tender mercy, and afflicts his children only for their profit, that they might partake of his holiness. And we are well assured, that he will repay his servants in another world, for whatever they suffer in this: even [♦]such as fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in their flesh.

[♦] word “of” removed per Errata

As to the difficulty of reconciling with his former enjoyments, and professions, such a state of conflict and discomfort, as this his last stage was accompanied with, it may be considered, that although it was uncommon, yet the case is not singular: to recite examples would be endless. It is true, that God has given us multiply’d and various instances, in the last stages of his servants in most ages, both of triumphant superiority to sickness, pain and death in some: of holy mourning, deep abasement, and patient resignation, in others: and there have been those likewise, whose last [♦]sicknesses have been such times of painful purgation from human foibles, and sore conflict from diabolical temptations, that the utmost they have been able to do, has been to abide in the furnace; till patience having had its perfect work, they just stept from the cross—to the crown! Witnessing, only with their parting breath, Victory! Victory! And all this it is impossible to account for, by appearances.

[♦] “sickness” replaced with “sicknesses” per Errata

Thus we hear one, in his last sickness saying, “I am by the wonderful mercy of God, as full of comfort as my heart can hold, I feel nothing in my soul but Christ, with whom I heartily desire to be.” Another, “I am like a bird upon the wing, and would fain be at Immanuel’s land, where the tree of life is. Here I am a weak man, in the hands of the king of terrors, rejoicing in hope of the glory that shall be revealed; and that by the death and resurrection of a despised Christ. All these soft clothes are like sack cloth, and yet I have perfect rest of spirit.” Another, “O how does the love of God wipe off all pain! The servants of God suffer nothing. Their trials are but for a moment; their joys are eternal!” Ten thousand instances of this sort might be alledged, in the present generation (to look no farther)——Persons who throughout a course of pains and wants, evidenced the [♦]glorious conquest which faith gives over all our enemies, and over death, the last of all.

[♦] “victorious” replaced with “glorious” per Errata

There have been those on the other hand, who after a course of useful and holy living; of eminency in wisdom, and in favour with God, have nevertheless, towards the setting of their sun, wanted those joyous beams of triumphant light and life; and who approached their seat of repose with many tears and sighs; with shame, and confusion, and hopes, and dependence; and even at the last, left nothing particularly memorable, for the discourse, and joy of the survivors;[¹] but who notwithstanding, have attained their wished-for port, and enjoy the pleasures of those peaceful mansions! John xiv. 2.

[¹] St. Austin is said to have had the penitential psalms wrote in large characters, and pinned to the inside of the curtains of his dying bed, desiring to die as he repeated them with weeping.

Bishop Usher followed the same example and prayed earnestly to God, to pardon his sins of omission.

“Where conflicts past, redouble present joys!”

Diversity of complexions, different periods of grace, or divine dispensations; with a thousand particulars known best to God, may be taken into consideration, in attempting to account for this difference in the divine disposals concerning his servants. But I forbear attempting to solve, that of which I am free to profess my ignorance: and wait for that light, which will infallibly

——throw full day on darkest scenes of time.

It may be farther observed concerning this servant of God, that although his comforts had been exceeding great throughout most part of his experience, yet he had frequent and violent encounters with the enemy: so that sometimes we find in the same paragraph, acknowledgments of the great joy and peace which he felt, and complainings of grievous temptations and trials. Take an instance or two among a thousand, in his own words.

“I found in retirement sore struggles and deep consolation.” And again, although love and joy lived and flowed in me, yet I wept and made supplication, being strongly tempted of the devil. Ah, Lord! Thou knowest my state, and trials! And my groanings are not hid from thee! What conflicts with myself do I daily feel!

Some are tempted most in the beginning of their conversion, some towards the latter end, and others there are, who are sorely tempted throughout their whole life. The latter was his case. But now especially, his natural faculties weakning in proportion to the decay of his bodily strength, rendered him the fitter mark for Satan, to attack with his last and most violent assaults, which therefore he plyed to purpose. He could not however make him let go his integrity: nor did he alter his sentiments, concerning any point of Christian doctrine, or retract any thing he had formerly said relating thereto. And as to the course of his most secret walking, altho’ on the whole, he saw nothing whereof to glory in himself before God; but rather was continually filled with holy shame and deep abasements, at the disparity which he still perceived between himself and his holy Lord; yet there was no particular sin since his conversion, with the cherishing of which he could charge himself. To which may be added, that in the midst of this hour and power of darkness, he never once charged God foolishly; but on the contrary he sought to him with groans, and tears, and cries, without ceasing!

His sufferings both of body and mind were great beyond description: but when we consider, thus did God permit concerning him, it puts to silence every doubtful, evil reasoning on the head. By constituting him a perfect sufferer, God thereby, made him the more conformable to his suffering, conquering Son; that Man of sorrows and acquainted with griefs! And rendered his condition not that of a bastard, or base-born child, abandoned of God, and rejected; but on the contrary, that of a beloved Son scourged and purified by his heavenly Father, that he might thereby, more eminently partake of his holiness and glory. And should heaven permit his conveying to us his present sentiments, concerning his momentary afflictions, we should certainly hear him pronounce to this effect.

For all I bless thee; most, for the severe;

Amidst my list of blessings infinite,

Stand this the foremost, “that my heart has bled.”

He had hope in his end, and therefore ceased not to cry to Jesus, who was with him in reality all the while, in the furnace; and finally appeared his friend and his beloved!

“Tryed to the last but not forsook;

But honour’d with distinguish’d grace,

Heaven-ward he cast a dying look,

And saw once more his Saviour’s face.

‘He’s come! My well-belov’d, he said,

And I am his, and he is mine!’

He spake, he gaz’d, he bow’d his head,

And sunk into the arms divine!”

On the whole, I profess, that although on my first hearing of the afflictive scene through which he passed, I was more astonished than at any thing I ever remember to have happened to myself or others; remaining in dumb suspense, at what could be the cause of so unexpected a procedure? Nevertheless, I am now inclined to consider the whole affair as an argument, rather of his strength than the contrary. His supporting at all under such extreme sufferings, not a little demonstrates his great soul, and nearness of conformity to God his Saviour,

“Who drank in his sad days of flesh

The potion by his Father given;

And bids his members feel afresh

The fierceness of the wrath of heaven.”

If thou faintest, saith Solomon in the day of adversity, thy strength is but small: and by parity of reason, to stand in a time of sore trial argues proportionable strength. Avert, my God, avert from my soul, ill able to bear it, such a time of trial! O Jesus, by all thou hast done and suffered; by thine agony, and bloody sweat, by thy cross and bitter passion, by thy meritorious death; thy resting in the chambers of the grave, thy triumphant resurrection, and ascension; and by thy coming again in glory; in the time of sickness, in death, and in judgment, deliver my soul, I beseech thee!

In thy fair book of life divine,

My God inscribe my name;

There let me fill some humble shrine,

Beneath the slaughter’d Lamb!

O might I with my [♦]closing eyes,

Thee in thy bloody vesture see,

And cast me on thy sacrifice,

Jesus, my Lord, remember me!

[♦] “parting breath” replaced with “closing eyes” per Errata

The thoughts of being quickly loosed from the fetters of the body, had often filled his soul with the most sensible delights, desiring nothing so much as to see God: and the approaches of eternity did often so enflame his desires, that he was sometimes in a degree of transport. But after all that can be said on the head of this his last scene, and indeed of the methods of God’s providential dispensations in general, concerning nations or individual persons, it seems the wisest and best method to rest in that sentiment, namely not curiously to scan them; but rather to adore in humble silence, his unsearchable judgments and impenetrable secrets!

Not deeply to discern not much to know,

Mankind was born to wonder and adore!

Whatever is permitted to befal them in this world, we are well assured it shall be well with the righteous. All things, whether prosperous or adverse, shall work together for their good. He that liveth forever saith, I come quickly——to put a final period to the whole of mortal things, and determine the states of all the children of Adam for ever! His reward is with him! We shall see him as he is! Though now we see him not, yet believing we rejoice! O Jesus, work in our hearts that conformity to and resemblance of thyself, that we may seek nothing, but night and day think of, long for, and joyfully wait for thine appearance!

An EXTRACT of the LIFE
OF THE LATE
Rev. Mr. David Brainerd,
Missionary to the Indians.

ADVERTISEMENT.

THOSE parts of the following history that are included between brackets thus [ ], are the words of the publisher, Mr. Jonathan Edwards, minister of Northampton in New-England, for the most part summarily representing the chief things contained in Mr. Brainerd’s diary: the rest is the account that he gives of himself in his private writings, in his own words.

PART I.

From his birth to the time when he began to devote himself to the study of divinity.

[MR. David Brainerd was born April 20, 1718, at Haddam, a town belonging to the county of Hartford, in the colony of Connecticut, New-England. His father, who died when he was about nine years of age, was the worshipful Hezekiah Brainerd, Esq. one of his Majesty’s council for that colony, and the son of Daniel Brainerd, Esq. a justice of the peace, and a deacon of the church in Haddam. His mother was Mrs. Dorothy Hobart, daughter to the Rev. Mr. Jeremiah Hobart, who preached awhile at Topsfield, and then removed to Hempstead, on Long-Island, and afterwards came and settled in the work of the [♦]ministry at Haddam; where he died in the 85th year of his age; of whom it is remarkable, that he went to the public worship in the forenoon, and died in his chair between meetings.

[♦] “ministy” replaced with “ministry”

Mr. David Brainerd was the third son of his parents. They had five sons and four daughters. The eldest son is Hezekiah Brainerd, Esq. a justice of the peace, and for several years past a representative of the town of Haddam, in the general assembly of Connecticut colony; the second was the Rev. Nehemiah Brainerd, a worthy minister at Eastbury in Connecticut, who died of a consumption November 10, 1742; the 4th is Mr. John Brainerd, who succeeds his brother David as missionary to the Indians, and pastor of the same church of Christian Indians in New-Jersey; and the 5th was Israel, late student at Yale-college in New-Haven, who died since his brother David.—Mrs. Dorothy Brainerd having lived several years a widow, died when her son David was about 14 years of age: so that in his youth he was left both fatherless and motherless. What account he has given of himself follows.]

I WAS from my youth something sober and inclined to melancholy, but do not remember any conviction of sin, till I was seven or eight years of age; when I grew terrified at the thoughts of death, but this concern was short lived. However, I sometimes attended secret prayer; and thus lived at ease till I was above thirteen years of age. But in the winter 1732, I was something roused by the prevailing of a mortal sickness in Haddam. I was frequent, constant, and something fervent in duties, and took delight in reading, especially Mr. Janeway’s Token for Children; I was sometimes much melted in duties, and took great delight in the performance of them. The Spirit of God at this time proceeded far with me; I was remarkably dead to the world, and my thoughts were almost wholly employed about my soul’s concerns! I may indeed say, “Almost I was persuaded to be a Christian.” I was also exceedingly distressed at the death of my mother, in March, 1732. But afterwards I by degrees fell back into security, though I still attended to secret prayer.

About the 15th of April 1733, I removed to East-Haddam, where I spent four years. Here I went a round of secret duty. I was not much addicted to young company: but when I did go into it, it always added new guilt to me, and made me afraid to come to the throne of grace.

About the latter end of April 1737, being full nineteen, I removed to Durham, and began to work on my farm, and so continued till I was twenty years old; tho’ frequently longing after a liberal education. When I was about twenty, I applied myself to study, and was engaged more than ever in the duties of religion. I became very watchful over my thoughts, words and actions, because I designed to devote myself to the ministry.

Some time in April 1738, I went to Mr. Fiske’s, and lived with him during his life[¹]. He advised me wholly to abandon young company, and associate myself with grave elderly people: which counsel I followed; and my manner of life was now exceeding regular. I read my bible more than twice through in less than a year. I spent much time every day in secret-duties; I gave great attention to the word preached, and endeavoured to retain it. I agreed with some young persons to meet on sabbath-evenings for religious exercises; and after our meeting was ended, I used to repeat the discourses of the day to myself, though sometimes it was late in the night. On Monday mornings I used to recollect the same sermons. And I had sometimes considerable movings of affections in duties, and much pleasure therein.

[¹] Mr. Fiske was pastor of the church in Haddam.

After Mr. Fiske’s death, I proceeded in my learning with my brother, and was still very constant in religious duties. Thus I proceeded on a self-righteous foundation;[¹] and should still had not the mere mercy of God prevented.

[¹] I doubt that: I believe, this was true religion as far as it went.

In the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God one sabbath-day morning, as I was walking out for secret duties, to give me on a sudden, such a sense of my danger, and the wrath of God, that I stood amazed, and was much distressed all that day, fearing the vengeance of God would soon overtake me. I kept much alone, and sometimes grudged the birds and beasts their happiness, because they were not exposed to eternal misery, as I saw I was. And thus I lived from day to day, in great distress: sometimes there appeared mountains before me to obstruct my hopes of mercy; I used, however to pray and cry to God, and perform other duties with great earnestness.

In February, 1738–9, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer, and spent the day in almost incessant cries to God, that he would open my eyes to see the evil of sin, and the way of life by Jesus Christ. And God was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart to me, and to shew me my helplessness. I constantly strove after whatever qualifications I imagined others obtained before the reception of Christ. Sometimes I felt the power of an hard heart, and supposed it must be softened before Christ would accept of me; and when I felt any meltings of heart, I hoped now the work was almost done; and hence, when my distress still remained, I was wont to murmur at God’s dealings with me.

*Sometimes I grew remiss without any great convictions for a considerable time together; but after such a season, convictions seized me more violently. One night in particular, when I was walking solitarily abroad, I had such a view of my sin, that I feared the ground would cleave asunder, and send my soul quick into hell. And though I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should be discovered by others; yet I scarce durst sleep at all, for I thought it would be a great wonder, if I should be out of hell in the morning. But though my distress was thus great, yet I dreaded the loss of convictions, and returning back to my former insensibility; which made me exceeding exact in my behaviour, lest I should stifle the motions of God’s spirit.

The many distresses I met with, put me into a most horrible contesting with the Almighty: with an inward vehemence, finding fault with his ways of dealing with mankind. I found great fault with the imputation of Adam’s sin to his posterity; and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation, than by Jesus Christ. I wished sometimes there was no God, or that there were some other God that could controul him. These thoughts frequently passed before I was aware; but, when I considered this, it distressed me, to think, that my heart was so full of enmity against God; and it made me tremble, lest God’s vengeance should suddenly fall upon me. I used before, to imagine my heart was not so bad, as the scriptures represented. Sometimes I used to take much pains to bring it into an humble submissive disposition; but on a sudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the sovereignty of God, would so irritate the corruption of my heart, that it would break over all bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like floods of waters when they break down their damm.

While I was in this distressed state, the corruption of my heart was especially irritated by these things following,

1. The strictness of the divine law. For I found it was impossible for me (after my utmost pains) to answer the demands of it. I often made resolutions, and as often broke them. I imputed the whole to want of being more watchful, and used to call myself a fool for my negligence. But when, upon a stronger resolution, and greater endeavours, fasting and prayer, I found all attempts fail, then I quarrelled with the law of God, as unreasonably rigid. I thought, if it extended only to my outward actions, I could bear with it; but I found it condemned me for the sins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent. I was extremely loath to give out, and own my utter helplessness; but after repeated disappointments, thought that, rather than perish, I could do a little more still, especially if such and such circumstances might but attend my endeavours; I hoped, that I should strive more earnestly than ever: and this hope of future more favourable circumstances, and of doing something hereafter, kept me from utter despair of myself, and from seeing myself fallen into the hands of God, and dependent on nothing but boundless grace.

*2. Another thing was, that faith alone was the condition of salvation; and that God would not come down to lower terms; that he would not promise life and salvation upon my sincere prayers and endeavours. That word, Mark xvi. 16. “He that believeth not, shall be damned,” cut off all hope there; and I found, faith was the gift of God; that I could not get it of myself, and could not oblige God to bestow it upon me, by any of my performances. “This,” I was ready to say, “is a hard saying, who can bear it?” I could not bear, that all I had done should stand for a mere nothing, who had been very conscientious in duty, and had been exceeding religious a great while, and had (as I thought) done much more than many others that had obtained mercy. I confessed indeed the vileness of my duties; but then, what made them at that time seem vile, was my wandering thoughts in them; not because I was all over defiled, and the principle corrupt from whence they flowed, so that I could not possibly do any thing that was good. And therefore I called what I did, by the name of faithful endeavours; and could not bear it, that God had made no promises of salvation to them.

*3. Another thing was, that I could not find out how to come to Christ. I read the calls of Christ, made to the weary and heavy laden; but could find no way that he directed them to come in. I thought I would gladly come, if I knew how, though the path of duty directed to what was never so difficult. Mr. Stoddard’s Guide to Christ did not tell me any thing I could do, that would bring me to Christ, but left me as it were with a great gulph between me and Christ, without any direction to get through. For I was not yet experimentally taught, that there could be no way prescribed, whereby a natural man could of his own strength, obtain that which is supernatural, and which the highest angel cannot give.

*All this time the Spirit of God was powerfully at work with me; and I was inwardly pressed to relinquish all self-confidence, all hopes of ever helping myself by any means whatsoever; and the conviction of my lost estate was sometimes so clear, that it was as if it had been declared to me in so many words, “It is done, it is for ever impossible to deliver yourself.” For about three or four days, my soul was thus distressed, especially at some turns, when for a few moments I seemed to myself lost and undone: but then would shrink back immediately from the sight, because I dared not venture myself into the hands of God, as wholly helpless. I dared not see that important truth, that I was dead in trespasses and sins. But when I had thrust away these views of myself at any time, I was distressed to have the same discoveries again: for I greatly feared being given over of God to final stupidity. When I thought of putting it off to a more convenient season, the conviction was so powerful with regard to the present time, that it was the best time, and probably the only time, that I dared not to put it off. Yet my soul shrank away from it; I could see no safety in throwing myself into the hands of God, and that I could lay no claim to any thing better than damnation.

*But after a considerable time spent in such distresses, one morning, while I was walking in a solitary place, as usual, I at once saw that all my contrivances to procure salvation for myself, were utterly in vain: I was brought quite to a stand as finding myself totally lost. I had thought many times, that the difficulties were very great; but now I saw, that it was for ever impossible for me to do any thing towards delivering myself. I then blamed myself, that I had not done more, while I had opportunity; (for it seemed now as if the season of doing was for ever over and gone.) But I instantly saw, that let me have done what I would, it would no more have tended to my helping myself, than what I had done; that I had made all the pleas I ever could have made to all eternity; and that all my pleas were vain. The tumult that had been before in my mind, was now quieted; and I was something eased of that distress, which I felt, while struggling against a sight of myself. I had the greatest certainty that my state was forever miserable, for all that I could do: and was astonished that I had never been sensible of it before.

While I remained in this state, my notions respecting my duties, were quite different from what I had ever entertained in times past. Now I saw, there was no necessary connection between my prayers and the divine mercy: that they laid not the least obligation upon God to bestow his grace upon me; and that there was no more goodness in them, than there would be in my paddling with my hand in the water; and this because they were not performed from any love to God. I saw that I had heaped up my devotions before God, fasting, praying, &c. really thinking I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly intended it.[¹]

[¹] I doubt that.

I continued in this state of mind from Friday morning till the sabbath-evening following, July 12, 1739, when I was walking again in the same solitary place, and attempting to pray, but found no heart to engage in that or any other duty. Having been thus endeavouring to pray for near half an hour, (and by this time the sun was about half an hour high) as I was walking in a dark thick grove, unspeakable glory opened to the view of my soul: I do not mean any external brightness, but a new inward apprehension or view that I had of God, such as I never had before. I stood still and admired! I had never seen before any thing comparable to it for excellency and beauty; it was widely different from all the conceptions that ever I had of God, or things divine. I had no particular apprehension of any one person in the Trinity, either the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost; but it appeared to be divine glory that I then beheld; and my soul [♦]rejoiced with joy unspeakable, to see such a God, such a glorious divine being; and I was inwardly pleased and satisfied, that he should be God over all for ever and ever. My soul was so captivated and delighted with the excellency, loveliness, greatness, and other perfections of God, that I was even swallowed up in him, so that at first, I scarce reflected there was such a creature as myself.

[♦] “rerejoiced” replaced with “rejoiced”

Thus God, brought me to a hearty disposition to exalt him, and to aim at his glory, as King of the universe.

I continued in this state till near dark, without any sensible abatement; and then began to think what I had seen; and was sweetly composed all the evening following. I felt myself in a new world, and every thing about me appeared with a different aspect from what it was wont to do.

*At this time the way of salvation opened to me with such infinite wisdom and excellency, that I wondered I should ever think of any other way of salvation; was amazed, that I had not dropped my own contrivances, and complied with this excellent way before. If I could have been saved by my own duties, or any other way that I had formerly contrived, my whole soul would now have refused. I wondered, that the whole world did not see and comply with this way of salvation, entirely by the merits of Christ.

The sweet relish of what I then felt, continued with me for several days, in a greater or less degree; I could not but sweetly rejoice in God, lying down or rising up. The next Lord’s day I felt something of the same kind, though not so powerful. But not long after, was again under great distress; yet not of the same kind with my distress under convictions. I was afraid and ashamed to come before God; was exceedingly pressed with a sense of guilt: but it was not long before I felt true repentance and joy in God.

In the beginning of September I went to college[¹], and entered there; but with some degree of reluctance, fearing lest I should not be able to lead a life of strict religion, in the midst of so many temptations.——After this, before, I went to tarry at college, it pleased God to visit my soul with clearer manifestations of himself in prayer and self-examination; and the Lord so shined into my heart, that I enjoyed full assurance of his favour; and my soul was unspeakably refreshed. At this time especially, as well as some others, sundry passages of God’s word opened to my soul with divine clearness, power and sweetness, so as to appear exceeding precious, and with clear and certain evidence of its being the word of God. I enjoyed considerable sweetness in [♦]religion all the winter following.

[¹] Yale college, in New-haven.

[♦] “religon” replaced with “religion”

In January 1739–40, the measles spread much in college; and I having taken the distemper, went home to Haddam. For some days before I was taken sick, my soul mourned the absence of the Comforter: it seemed to me, all comfort was gone; I cried to God, yet found no relief. But a night or two before I was taken ill, while I was walking alone, engaged in meditation and prayer, I enjoyed a sweet, refreshing visit from above, so that my soul was raised far above the fears of death; O how much more refreshing this one season was than all the pleasures earth can afford! After a day or two I was taken with the measles, and almost despaired of life; but had no distressing fears of death. However, I soon recovered: yet by reason of hard studies, I had little time for spiritual duties; my soul often mourned for want of more time and opportunity to be alone with God. In the spring and summer following, I had better advantage for retirement and enjoyed more comfort: indeed my ambition in my studies greatly wronged the vigour of my spiritual life: yet “in the multitude of my thoughts within me, God’s comforts delighted my soul.”

One day in particular, (June 1740) I walked in the fields alone, and found such unspeakable sweetness in God, that I thought, if I must continue still in this evil world, I wanted always to be there to behold God’s glory: my soul dearly loved all mankind, and longed exceedingly that they should enjoy what I enjoyed.—It seemed to be a little resemblance of heaven.

In August following, I became so disordered, by too close application to my studies, that I was advised to go home, and disengage my mind from study, for I began to spit blood. I took advice, but being brought very low, I looked death in the face more stedfastly. The Lord was pleased to give me a sweet relish of divine things, and my soul took delight in the blessed God.

*Saturday, October 18. In my morning devotions, my soul was exceedingly melted for, and bitterly mourned over, my exceeding sinfulness and vileness. I never before felt so deep a sense of the odious nature of sin. My soul was unusually carried forth in love to God, and had a lively sense of God’s love to me. And this love and hope, cast out fear.

*October 19. In the morning I felt my soul hungering and thirsting after righteousness. In the forenoon, while I was looking on the sacramental elements, and thinking that Jesus Christ would soon be “set forth crucified before me,” my soul was filled with light and love, so that I was almost in an ecstasy; my body was so weak, I could scarcely stand. I felt at the same time an exceeding tenderness and most fervent love towards all mankind; so that my soul and all the powers of it seemed, as it were, to melt into softness and sweetness. This love and joy cast out fear; and my soul longed for perfect grace and glory.

*Tuesday, October 21. I had likewise experience of the goodness of God in “shedding abroad his love in my heart,” and all the remaining part of the week, my soul was taken up with divine things. I now so longed after God, and to be freed from sin, that when I felt myself recovering, and thought I must return to college again, which had proved so hurtful to me the year past, I could not but be grieved, and I thought I had much rather have died; but before I went, I enjoyed several other sweet and precious seasons of communion with God.

I returned to college about November 6, and through the goodness of God, felt the power of religion almost daily.

November 28. I enjoyed precious discoveries of God, and was unspeakably refreshed with that passage, Hebrews xii. 22, 23, 24, so that my soul longed to wing away for the paradise of God; I longed to be conformed to God in all things.

Tuesday, December 9. God was pleased wonderfully to assist and strengthen me; so that I thought nothing should ever move me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.—O! one hour with God infinitely exceeds all the pleasures of this lower world.

Towards the latter end of January, 1740–41, I grew more cold and dull in matters of religion, by means of my old temptation, ambition in my studies.—But through divine goodness, a great and general awakening spread itself over the college, about the latter end of February, in which I was much quickened, and more abundantly engaged in religion.

[This awakening was at the beginning of that extraordinary religious commotion through the land, which is fresh in every one’s memory. This awakening was for a time very great and general at New-Haven; and the college had no small share in it: the students in general became serious, many of them remarkably so, and much engaged in the concerns of their eternal salvation.

It could not be otherwise than that one whose heart had been so drawn to God, should be mightily animated, at the sight of such an alteration in the college, the town, and land; of mens reforming their lives, and turning from profaneness and immorality, to seriousness and concern for their salvation, and of religion’s reviving and flourishing almost every where. But as an intemperate zeal, soon mingled itself with that revival of religion: so Mr. Brainerd had the unhappiness to have a tincture of it. One instance of which it is necessary should be related.

In the time of the awakening at college, several students associated themselves, who were wont freely to open themselves one to another: Mr. Brainerd was one of this company. And it once happened, that he and two or three more of these his intimate friends were in the hall together, after Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors, had been to prayer there with the scholars; no other person now remaining in the hall, but Mr. Brainerd and these his companions. Mr. Whittelsey having been unusually pathetical in his prayer, one of Brainerd’s friends asked him what he thought of Mr. Whittelsey; he made answer, “He has no more grace than this chair.” One happening at that time to be near the hall over-heard those words, though he knew not who the person was, which was thus censured. He informed a woman who went and informed the rector. He sent for the man and examined him; and he told the rector the words that he heard Brainerd utter, and informed him who were in the room with him at that time. Upon which the rector sent for them: they were very backward to inform against their friend, of what they looked upon as private conversation, yet the rector compelled them to declare what he said, and of whom he said it.—Brainerd thought, that what he said in private, was injuriously extorted from his friends, and that it was injuriously required of him to make a public confession, before the whole college, for what he had said only in private conversation.—He not complying with this demand, and having gone once to the separate meeting at New-Haven, when forbidden by the rector, was expelled the college.

His expulsion was in the winter anno 1741–2, while he was in his third year in college.]

PART II.

From the time that he began to devote himself to the study of divinity, till he was examined and licensed to preach.

[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with the Rev. Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of the time till licensed to preach.]—The following account is in his own words.

Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it. “Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on God for the being and every act of grace.

*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world, if Jesus does but come [♦]walking on the seas!—Some time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ me in that work;—but now my soul more frequently desires to die, to be with Christ. O that my soul were wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!

[♦] “walk-on” replaced with “walking on”

Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering!

*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.—Alas! my soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again. “O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”

*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness.—And I could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen, that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.—Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.—I felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation, willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.—It is impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.

Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see that glorious day.—Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me: I look so myself.

Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presence of God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy, return.

Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world. O for the happy day!—After public worship God gave me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.—In the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.

*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matter when, nor where, nor how Christ should send me, nor what trials he should exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little before I met with my great trial at college; every thing appeared full of the wisdom of God.

Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!” My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.

Thursday, April 15. My desires centered in God, and I found a sensible attraction of soul after him: I long for God, and a conformity to his will, in inward holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing here below.

Lord’s-day, April 18. I retired early this morning in the woods; and was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.—At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of my short comings: it seemed to me, that I had done nothing for God, and that I had lived to him but a few hours of my life.

*Monday, April 19. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his grace, to prepare me for the work of the ministry, and in his own time to send me into his harvest. I felt a power of intercession for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord; and withal, a sweet resignation, and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, yea death itself, in the promotion of it. In the afternoon, “God was with me of a truth.” O it was blessed company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat, tho’ in the shade. My soul was drawn out very much for the world; I grasped for multitudes of souls. I had more enlargement for sinners, than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life in cries for both. I never felt such an entire weanedness from this world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.—O that I may always live to and upon my blessed God!

Tuesday, April 20. This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy have I received the year past! How often has God “caused his goodness to pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me to live more to his glory.——This has been a sweet day to me: blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn out in intercession for others. I had a fervent wrestle with the Lord for my enemies; and I hardly ever so longed to live to God, and to be altogether devoted to him.

Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret, and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt myself much pressed, as frequently of late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries, to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had a sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung upon me with much sweetness, Psalms lxxxiv. 7. “They go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” O the near access that God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be termed appearing before God; it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense. I longed for the coming of my dear Lord; I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment hastens! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for sanctification! My very soul pants for the compleat restoration of the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world.

Monday, April 26. I continued in a sweet frame of mind. God was pleased to make it a humbling season. My soul exceedingly longs for that blessed state of perfection, of deliverance from all sin!——At night God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to be disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure; and I enjoyed great peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God: my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend every moment of my life to his glory!

*Tuesday, April 27. I retired and God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for sometime but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour! Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid them all down, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before; it was the most refined communion with God I ever felt: I never before felt so great a degree of resignation.

*Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and spent about two hours in secret. I felt much as I did yesterday morning, only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to hang wholly on my dear Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to say to my God, but only lean on his bosom, as it were, and breathe out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect holiness; God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its enjoyments was infinitely vile; I had no more value for the favour of men, than for pebbles: the Lord was my all; and he over ruled all; which greatly delighted me. I think my faith and dependance on God scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me.——In the evening my heart seemed sweetly to melt, and was humbled for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner; for with resignation I could welcome all other trials; but sin hung heavy upon me: for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart; so that I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God would “purge away all my dross, and take away my [♦]tin.”

[♦] “sin” replaced with “tin” per Errata

Friday, April 30. Nothing grieves me so much as that I cannot live constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any spiritual conflicts, if I could but have my heart all the while burning with love to God; for when I feel this I cannot be dejected, but only rejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.

Lord’s-day, May 2. God was pleased to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear vile in my own eyes: I felt corruption in my heart, which I could by no means suppress; I was exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.

Lord’s-day, May 9. I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O what a wretch I am! I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be “delivered from the body of this death!” I greatly feared, lest through stupidity I should lose the benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but this, that I was a sinner.

Thursday, May 13. I saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul: I was almost pressed to death with my vileness. Oh what a body of death is there in me! Lord, deliver my soul. O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!

Friday, May 14. I waited on a council of ministers, and spread before them the treatment I had met with at Yale-college; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to intreat them to restore me to my former privileges.[¹]

[¹] The application which was then made on his behalf, had not the desired success.

Saturday, June 12. I spent much time in prayer this morning, and enjoyed much sweetness.—Felt insatiable longings after God: I wondered how poor souls do to live, that have no God.—The world, with all its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly “to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, to behold his glory.” Oh, my weak weary soul longs to arrive at my Father’s house!

Monday, June 14. I felt something of the sweetness of communion with God, and the constraining force of his love:—I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to intreat God to bless me with regard to the great work of preaching the gospel. Just at night, the Lord visited me marvellously in prayer: I think my soul never was in such an agony before: I felt no restraint; for the treasures of divine grace were opened to me; I wrestled for my absent friends, for the ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such an agony, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat: but yet it seemed to me that I had wasted away the day, and had done nothing. Oh, my dear Jesus did sweat blood for poor souls! I longed for more compassion towards them.

Tuesday, June 15. I had the most ardent longings after God, that I ever felt in my life: at noon, in secret, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord, that he knew I longed for nothing but himself, nothing but holiness; that he had given me these desires, and he only could give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul’s being enlarged, to contain more holiness; that my soul seemed ready to separate from my body, to obtain it. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before.—I feel differently now from whatever I did under any sweet enjoyments before; more engaged to live to God for ever. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my sweetest moments!

Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for the ministry, I set apart this day for prayer to God, and found God graciously near; once in particular, while I was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls, my heart seemed to be opened at once, and I was enabled to cry with great ardency.

*Oh, I was distressed, to think, that I should offer such dead cold services to the living God! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I continually fall short. O that the Lord would help me to hold out, yet a little while, till the happy hour of deliverance comes!

Lord’s-day, June 20. I spent much time alone. My soul longed to be holy, and reached after God; I hungered and thirsted; but was not satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion. O that I could grow in grace more abundantly every day!

Tuesday, June 22. I was sweetly composed and resigned to God’s will; enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him, and to have my whole dependence upon him: my secret retirement was very refreshing. It appeared such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had rather be any other creature in this lower creation, than not to come to the enjoyment of God: I had rather be a beast, than a man, without God, if I were to live here to eternity. Lord endear thyself more to me!

Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.” Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen, which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent the day in the bitterness of my soul. Near night I enjoyed some sweetness in prayer.

Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go to him at all times, and find him a present help.

Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret: God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my weary pilgrimage would be short; that it would not be long before I was brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt pleased, to be little, to be nothing, and to lie in the dust. I enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus! come quickly Amen.”

Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from the world, perfect deadness to it, and to be crucified to all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself a pilgrim and stranger here below; that nothing may divert me from pressing through the lonely desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.

*Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much kindness to such a dead dog as I; and was sensible, how exceeding vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time.

Thursday, July 29. I was examined by the association met at Danbury, as to my learning, and experiences in religion, and received a licence from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards I felt much devoted to God: joined in prayer with one of the ministers; and went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days.

PART III.

From the time of his being licensed to preach, till he was appointed Missionary to the Indians.

FRIDAY, July 30, 1742. I rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there from 1 Peter iv. 6. I had much of the comfortable presence of God in the exercise: I seemed to have power with God in prayer, and power to get hold of the hearts of the people.

Lord’s-day, August 8. In the morning I felt comfortably in secret prayer; my soul was refreshed with the hopes of the Heathens coming to Christ; I was much resigned to God, and thought it was no matter what became of me.

Thursday, August 12. This morning I was exercised with sore inward trials: I had no power to pray; but seemed shut out from God, I had in a great measure lost my hopes of God’s sending me among the Heathen, and of seeing them flock to Christ. I saw so much of my hellish vileness, that I appeared worse to myself than any devil: I wondered that God would let me live, and wondered that people did not stone me, much more that they would ever hear me preach! It seemed as though I neither could nor should preach any more: yet about nine or ten o’clock, the people came, and I was forced to preach. And blessed be God, he gave me his presence and Spirit: so that I spoke with power from Job xiv. 14. Some Indians cried out in great distress,[¹] and all appeared greatly concerned.

[¹] It was in a place in the western borders of Connecticut, where there is a number of Indians.

Tuesday, August 17. I was exceedingly depressed in spirit; it cuts and wounds my heart, to think how much spiritual pride, and warmth of temper, I have formerly intermingled with my endeavours to promote God’s work: and sometimes I long to lie down at the feet of opposers, and confess what a poor creature I have been, and still am. Oh, the Lord forgive me, and make me for the future “wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove!”

Thursday, August 17. This day, being about to go from Mr. Bellamy’s at Bethlehem, where I had resided some time, I prayed with him, and two or three other Christian friends, and we gave ourselves to God with all our hearts, to be his for ever: eternity looked very near to me. If I never see them again in this world, it seemed but a few moments before I should meet them in another.

Friday, August 20. I appeared so vile to myself, that I hardly dared to think of being seen, especially on account of spiritual pride. However, to-night I enjoyed a sweet hour alone with God, (at Ripton) I was lifted up above the frowns and flatteries of this world, had a sweet relish of heavenly joys, and my soul did as it were get into the eternal world, and really taste of heaven.

Monday, August 23. I had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord drew near to my soul, and filled me with peace and consolation. My soul tasted the sweetness of the upper world; and was drawn out in prayer for the world, that it might come to Christ!

*Monday, August 30. I prayed with a Christian friend or two; and, I think, scarce ever launched so far into the eternal world; I got so far out on the broad ocean, that my soul triumphed over all the evils on the shores of mortality.——Time, and all its gay amusements and cruel disappointments, never appeared so inconsiderable to me before; I saw myself nothing, and my soul reached after God with intense desire. I knew, I had never lived a moment to him as I should do: indeed it appeared to me, I had never done any thing in Christianity; my soul longed with a vehement desire to live to God.

Saturday, September 4. God enabled me to wrestle ardently for the Redeemer’s kingdom; and for my dear brother John, that God would make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for singular serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in the Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses that might light on him or me, in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.

*Wednesday, September 8. I felt exceedingly weaned from the world.—In the afternoon I discoursed on divine things with a Christian friend, whereby we were both refreshed. Then I prayed, with a sweet sense of the blessedness of communion with God: I think I scarce ever enjoyed more of God in any one prayer. I knew not that ever I saw so much of my own nothingness in my life; never wondered so, that God allowed me to preach his word: never was so astonished as now.

*Friday, September 10. I longed with intense desire after God; my whole soul seemed impatient to be conformed to him, and to become “holy, as he is holy.” In the afternoon, I prayed with a dear friend, and had the presence of God with us; our souls united together to reach after a blessed immortality, to be unclothed of the body of sin and death, and to enter the blessed world, where no unclean thing enters. O with what intense desire did our souls long for that blessed day that we might be freed from sin, and for ever live to and in our God!

Thursday, September 16. I enjoyed much of God in secret prayer: felt an uncommon resignation, to be and do what God pleased. Some days past, I felt great perplexity on account of my past conduct: my bitterness, and want of Christian kindness and love, has been very distressing to my soul: the Lord forgive me my unchristian warmth, and want of a spirit of meekness!

Saturday, September 18. I felt compassion for souls, and mourned I had no more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love towards all mankind than ever. I longed to be at the feet of my enemies and persecutors: enjoyed some sweetness, in feeling my soul conformed to Christ Jesus, and given away to him for ever.

[Through this, and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy: Not with regard to the favour of God, but about his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God’s service. Though his mind was extremely depressed with a sense of inexpressible vileness, yet, in the mean time, he had many seasons of comfort and spiritual refreshment.]

*Lord’s-day, October 17. I had a sense of my helplessness; especially when I went to the place of public worship. I found I could not speak a word for God without his special assistance: I went into the assembly trembling, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing as I ought to do.—But it pleased God to afford me much assistance, and there seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers.—O that I might be “faithful to the death, fulfilling as an hireling my day,” till the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils of the day! This evening I felt such longing desires after deliverance from sin, and conformity to God, as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be “delivered from this body of death!” to be conformed to God entirely, fully, and for ever.—I scarce ever preach without being first visited with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these trials and distresses, as they are blessed for my humbling.

Monday, October 18. I felt some sweetness, but was still pressed through trials of soul. My life is a constant mixture of consolations and conflicts, and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits.

Tuesday, October 19. This morning and last night, felt a sweet longing in my soul after holiness: my soul seemed so to reach and stretch towards the mark of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with longings.

*Thursday, October 21. I had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world, and had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and solemn. O, I love to live on the brink of eternity! This gives me a sweet, awful, and reverential sense of God and divine things, when I see myself as it were standing before the judgment seat of Christ.

*Friday, October 22. I was uncommonly weaned from the world: my soul delighted to be a stranger and a pilgrim on the earth; I felt a disposition never to have any thing to do with this world: the character given of some of the antient people of God, in Hebrews xi. 13. was very pleasing to me, “they confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth,” and O that I could always do so!—It is sweet to be thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the world, that I may live wholly to and upon the blessed God.

Monday, October 26. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the divine presence: it was a sweet and comfortable season: my soul longed for God, for the living God: enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and longing desire after the recovery of the divine image: “Then shall I be satisfied, when I shall awake in God’s likeness,” and never before.

Tuesday, October 27. [At West-Suffield] I underwent the most dreadful distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness: it seemed to me, I deserved rather to be driven out of the place, than to have any body to come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed, that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness: I could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely vile in myself. Oh, what dust and ashes I am, to think of preaching the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment, but shall certainly “daub with untempered mortar,” if God do not grant me special help.—In the evening, I went to the meeting-house, and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach, as for me. However God was pleased to lift me up and enable me to preach. O the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner!

Wednesday, October 28. I was not a little concerned about preaching in the afternoon: felt exceedingly without strength, went into the house, ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch. However God enabled me to speak with clearness, power, and pungency.

Thursday, November 4. [At Lebanon] I was concerned that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. O it is sweet lying in the dust! But it is distressing to feel in my soul that hell of corruption.—In the afternoon I had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constant devotedness to God, and felt a pleasing yet painful concern, lest I should spend some moments without God. O may I always live to God!—In the evening I felt an intense desire to spend every moment for God.—God is unspeakably gracious to me continually: in times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness in the performance of duty; frequently my soul has enjoyed much of God; but has been ready to say, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and so to indulge sloth. But of late God has been pleased to keep my soul hungry, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable; and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward; and I feel barren and empty, as though I could not live, without more of God in me; I feel ashamed and guilty before God. Oh! I see, “the law is spiritual, but I am carnal.” I do not, I cannot live to God. Oh for holiness! Oh for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain! It makes my soul press after God; the language of it is, “Then shall I be satisfied, when I awake in God’s likeness,” (Psalms xxvii. ultima) but never, never before: and consequently I am engaged to “press towards the mark,” day by day. O that I may feel this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but rather be animated by every cluster from Canaan, to reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment of the heavenly inheritance! O that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey.

Lord’s day, November 7, it seemed as if such an unholy wretch as I never could arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God is holy.” At noon I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh, that is THE ALL, THE ALL! The Lord help me to press after God for ever.

Monday, November 18. I longed for an arrival in the heavenly country, the blessed paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarce seen the day, for two months, but death has looked so pleasant to me, that I could have rejoiced the present should be my last; and I trust that I shall be able to say, “O death, where is thy sting!” and, “O grave, where is thy victory!”

Friday, November 19. [At New-Haven] I received a letter from the Rev. Mr. Pemberton of New-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and consult about the Indian affairs, and to meet certain gentlemen there that were intrusted with them. I retired with two or three friends, and prayed; and was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God.

Wednesday, November 24. I came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to God; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.

Thursday, November 25. I spent much time in prayer and supplication: was examined by some gentlemen of my Christian experience, and my acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to my improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the Heathen[¹]: was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service: *I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had: I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it pained my heart, that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! I thought, how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be disappointed, if they knew my inside! Oh my heart!—And in this depressed condition, I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some grave and learned ministers; but I felt such a pressure from a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was almost overcome with it: my soul was grieved for the congregation, that they should sit there to hear such a dead dog as I preach; I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would reward them with his grace.

[¹] These gentlemen that examined Mr. Brainerd, were the correspondents in New-York, New-Jersey, and Pensylvania, of the honourable society in Scotland for propagating Christian knowledge; to whom was committed the management of their affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New-York.

PART IV.

From the time of his being appointed Missionary, to his entrance on his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek.

FRIDAY, November 26. I had still a sense of my own vileness, and endeavoured as much as I could to keep alone. O what a nothing, what dust and ashes am I!—I enjoyed some comfort in spreading my complaints before God.

Saturday, November 27. I committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort; left New-York about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense of my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well love all my brethren; for none of them all is as vile as I; whatever they do outwardly, yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much inward sin. O my leanness, my barrenness, my past bitterness, and want of a gospel-temper!

Wednesday, December 1. My soul breathed after God in longing desires of conformity to him: my soul was brought to rest itself, on his rich grace, and felt strength to do or suffer any thing that divine Providence should allot me.

[Within the space of the next nine days, he went a journey from Newton to Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days returned again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury.]

Saturday, December 11. I conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had thought of giving a liberal education, that he might be fitted for the gospel ministry. I acquainted him with my thoughts, and left him to consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I rode to Bethlehem, to Mr. Bellamy’s lodgings; and spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and prayer.

Lord’s day, December 12. I felt a distressing need of divine help; I went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer and sermon: I think, my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into the immaterial world, nor were my devotions ever so much refined, I preached with some sweetness, from Matthew vi. 33. Blessed be God, I have reason to think, that my religion is become more spiritual, by means of my late inward conflicts. May I always be willing that God should use his own methods with me!—I felt much of the sweetness of religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper: I found a dear love to all mankind, and I was afraid of scarcely any thing so much as lest some motion of anger or resentment should, some time or other, creep into my heart.

Tuesday, December 21. I rode over to Derby, and preached; it pleased God to give me sweet assistance, and to enable me to speak with a soft and tender power and energy.—We had afterwards a comfortable evening in singing and prayer; God enabled me to pray with as much spirituality and sweetness as I have done for some time; my mind seemed to be unclothed of sense and imagination and was in a measure let into the world of spirits. This day was, I trust made profitable to a number of us, to advance our souls in holiness and conformity to God: the glory be to him for ever. Amen. How blessed it is to grow more and more like God!

Lord’s day, December 26. I felt much sweetness and tenderness in prayer, my whole soul seemed to love my worst enemies, and I was enabled to pray for those that are strangers to God with a degree of softness and pathetic fervour.

Monday, December 27. I enjoyed a precious season; I had a sweet sense of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus. In the evening I preached with much freedom, power and pungency. O the tenderness I felt in my soul! Blessed be my God I have seldom enjoyed a more [♦]comfortable and profitable day than this. O that I could spend all my time for God!

[♦] “comforable” replaced with “comfortable”

Friday, January 14, 1742–3. My spiritual conflicts were unspeakably dreadful, heavier than the mountains and overflowing floods: I seemed inclosed as it were, in hell itself: I was deprived of all sense of God, even of the being of a God; and that was my misery. *This was distress the nearest a-kin to the damned’s torments that I ever endured: their torments, I am sure will consist much in the privation of God, and consequently of all good. This taught me the absolute dependance of a creature upon the Creator, for every crumb of happiness it enjoys. Oh! I feel that if there is no God, though I might live for ever here, and enjoy not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten thousand times more miserable than a toad. My soul was in such anguish I could not eat, but felt as I supposed a poor wretch would, that is just going to the place of execution. I was almost swallowed up with anguish, when I saw people gathering together to hear me preach. However, I went to the house of God, and he was pleased to give me freedom and enlargement, and I spent the evening comfortably.

*Lord’s day, January 23. I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist, as now: I saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where I am going; I thought I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and much more to have any respect shewn me. Indeed I felt myself banished from the earth, as if all places were too good for such a wretch as I: I thought I should be ashamed to go among the very savages of Africa; I appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing, neither heaven nor earth.——None knows, but those that feel it, what the soul endures that is sensibly shut out from the presence of God; alas it is more bitter than death.

Wednesday, January 26. I preached to a pretty large assembly; insisted on humility, and stedfastness in keeping God’s commands; and that through humility we should prefer one another in love. I felt sweetly calm, and full of brotherly love, never more free from party spirit. I hope some good will follow, that Christians will be freed from party zeal and censuring one another.

[On Thursday, after a considerable time spent in prayer and Christian conversation, he rode to New-London.]

*Friday, January 28. Here I found some carried away with a false zeal and bitterness. Oh, the want of a gospel-temper is greatly to be lamented. I spent the evening in conversing with some about some points of conduct in both ministers and private Christians; but did not agree with them: God had not taught them with briars and thorns to be of a kind disposition toward mankind.

Wednesday, February 2. I preached my farewell-sermon, at the house of an aged man, who had been unable to attend on the public worship for some time; and this morning spent the time in prayer. Having taken leave of my friends, I set out on my journey towards the Indians; though by the way I was to spend some time at East-Hampton on Long-Island; and being accompanied by a messenger from East-Hampton, we travelled to Lyme. On the road I felt an uncommon pressure of mind: I seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure here below, and seemed loth to give up all; I saw I was throwing myself into all hardships and distresses: I thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the grave; but yet I chose to go, rather than stay.—I came to Lyme that night.

[He waited the two next days for a passage over the sound, and spent much of the time in inward conflicts.

On Saturday he crossed the Sound, landed on Long-Island, and travelled to East-Hampton, and the seven following days he spent there, for the most part, under extreme dejection of mind.]

Lord’s-day, February 13. I was under great discouragement; knew not how it was possible for me to preach, and was ready to give up all! But God was pleased to assist me. In the evening, my heart was sweetly drawn out after God, and devoted to him.

Tuesday, February 15. Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards I walked into a neighbouring grove, and felt more a stranger on earth than ever; as dead to the enjoyments of the world, as if I had been dead in a natural sense.—In the evening I had sweetness in secret duty: God was then my portion, and my soul rose above those deep waters, into which I have sunk so low of late.

Thursday, February 17. I preached this day at a little village; and God was pleased to give me his gracious assistance, so that I spake with freedom, boldness, and power. *In the evening, I spent some time with a dear Christian friend; felt as on the brink of eternity; my soul enjoyed sweetness in lively apprehensions of standing before the glorious God: prayed with my dear friend, and discoursed with the utmost solemnity. And truly it was a little emblem of heaven itself.

Friday, February 18. I felt sweetly most of the day, and found access to the throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of composure while I am in the field of battle. O that I might be serious, solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! O, I long to live to God!

[During the next fortnight, he, for the most part, enjoyed much peace and comfort. And this space of time was filled up with great diligence and earnestness in serving God, in study, prayer, meditation, preaching, and private instructing and counselling.]

*Monday, March 7. This morning when I arose, I found my heart go after God in longing desires of conformity to him: and in secret prayer I found myself sweetly drawn out in praises to God for all he had done to and for me, and for all my inward trials and distresses; my heart ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed God! and bid welcome to all inward distress again, if God saw meet to exercise me with it: time appeared but an inch long, and eternity at hand; and I thought I could with patience and chearfulness bear any thing for the cause of God; for I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace and blessedness; and my soul, by the strength of the Lord, rose far above this lower world, and all the vain amusements and frightful disappointments of it.

Lord’s-day, March 13. At noon, I thought it impossible for me to preach, by reason of bodily weakness and inward deadness; and in the first prayer, I was so weak that I could hardly stand; but in sermon, God strengthened me, so that I spake near an hour and half with freedom, clearness, and tender power, from Genesis v. 24. “And Enoch walked with God.” I was sweetly assisted to insist on a close walk with God, and to leave this as my parting advice to God’s people here, that they should walk with God. May the God of all grace succeed my poor labours in this place!

Saturday, March 19. I was distressed under a sense of my ignorance, darkness, and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to God in the bitterness of my soul.—In the afternoon I rode to Newark, and had some sweetness in conversation with Mr. Burr, and in praying together. O blessed be God for ever and ever, for any enlivening and quickening!

Lord’s-day, March 20. I preached in the forenoon: God gave me some assistance and sweetness, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness, love, and impartiality. In the evening, I preached again; and, of a truth, God was pleased to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God, I was enabled to speak with life, power, and passionate desire of the edification of God’s people. *In the evening, I felt something spiritual and watchful, lest my heart should by any means be drawn away from God. Oh, when shall I come to that blessed world, where every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up, in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree!

[On Monday he went to Woodbridge, where the correspondents, instead of sending him to the Forks of Delaware, ordered him to go to a number of Indians, at Kaunaumeek, a place in the province of New-York, in the woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned by two things, 1. Information they had received of some contention now subsisting between the white people and the Indians at Delaware, which they supposed would be a hindrance at present to their entertainment of a missionary, and to his success among them. And, 2. Some intimations they had received from Mr. Sergeant, missionary to the Indians at Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the prospect of success that a missionary might have among them.]