© Brown Bros.

ON HER WEDDING DAY
The greatest charm of the bride's costume lies in its simplicity

BOOK OF ETIQUETTE

BY

LILLIAN EICHLER

VOLUME I

ILLUSTRATED

NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC.
GARDEN CITY NEW YORK
1924

COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY
NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES

PREFACE

Success without culture is like old-fashioned strawberry short cake without the whipped cream. It has no flavor.

There are certain little courteous observances, certain social formalities that bespeak the true lady, the true gentlemen. Some of us call it good form. Some of us call it culture. Some of us call it etiquette. But we all admit that it makes the world a better place to live in.

In Italy, young men and women are considered ben educato, not when they can read and write, but when they know the established forms of convention—when they can show by a correct dignity and ease of manner that they are perfect in their knowledge of the rules of good society. And, after all, don't you yourself judge people by what they do, and say, and wear? Don't you read in their manner and appearance the secret of their inner worth? Isn't character and disposition revealed in the outer personality?

Perhaps you have heard the story of the "gentleman" who prided himself on being perfect in the art of etiquette. On one occasion, he passed a lake and heard a drowning man call for help. Quickly he threw off his coat and was about to plunge into the water, when he suddenly remembered that he had never been introduced to the struggling victim. Putting on his coat again, he proceeded on his way quite self-satisfied.

This is an instance where common-sense would have been the better part of etiquette. Too rigid an observance of the laws of good society makes them nothing short of an absurdity. The purpose of correct manners is not to enable us to strut about in society and command the admiring glances of the people around us—as the peacock, in its vanity, parades before onlookers in a proud dignity that is quite obviously assumed. The true service of etiquette is so to strengthen and simplify the social life that we are able to do what is absolutely correct and right without even stopping to think about it.

That, then, is the purpose of THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE—to give to the reader so clear and definite an understanding of the social life that he will be able to have at all times, under all conditions, that unaffected grace and charm of manner that the French like to call savoir faire. It has been written, not for the exceedingly ill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find a certain sense of satisfaction in doing what is correct—sincere men and women who, in the performance of their business and social duties, find that there is a constant need for cordial and gracious relationship with those around them.

If the following chapters awaken in the reader the desire for closer companionship with the vast world of human nature, of which we are all a part; if it takes from his nature all that is coarse, awkward and unrefined, substituting instead a gallantry of spirit and a gentleness of breeding; if it makes him a more loving and a more lovable person—then THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE will have served its purpose.

Incidentally, the author is indebted to Mr. L. E. Smith, without whose coöperation this book would never have been written.

Lillian Eichler.

CONTENTS

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

PART I

"The power of manners is incessant—an element as unconcealable as fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius."

—From Emerson's Essays.

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CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE

WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?

At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of good taste, that "there were no ladies present." General Grant, who was acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are gentlemen"—and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story.

What is a gentleman? The question is an old one. It cannot be ancestry, for often the son of most noble and honored parentage is merely a coarse compound of clay and money, offered to society as a gentleman, It cannot be dress—for surely Beau Brummell was not what the world loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starched cravats and brightly polished boots. It cannot be money, for then many a common thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be entitled to the name of gentleman.

No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry or dress or wealth—something that is nobler and finer than any, or all, of these. Perhaps it can be best expressed by this beautiful example of what true etiquette can mean:

Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. "Poor little fellow," he said, "aren't you cold standing here?" The boy looked up with a smile and said, "I was, sir—before you passed."

The word etiquette itself does not mean very much. It comes from the same origin as the word "ticket" and originally meant the rules of court ceremony printed on tickets that were given to each person presented at court. But through generations the ideal of perfected culture surged, until to-day we have a code of manners that is the pride and inspiration of refined living.

LAWS OF SOCIETY

Etiquette, after all, is not the finished work, but merely a tool that opens the portals to a broader life, to a greater social happiness. Through its influence we are brought into close companionship with the really worth-while minds of our day. By faithful constancy to its rules we gradually mold our characters until, in our outward dignity and charm, the world reads and understands our ideals.

There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness—which is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that this social happiness can ever be attained.

In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and is perfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater—every day people are reading the story of our characters and ideals.

Society has its own definite code of manners that must be observed before one can enter its portals. There are certain rules that must be followed before one can enter its envied circle. There are conventionalities that must be observed in requesting a lady to dance, in acknowledging an introduction, in using the knife and fork at the dinner table. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing for the theater and reception. To know and adhere to these laws is to be admitted to the highest society and enjoy the company of the most brilliant minds.

Etiquette is an art—the art of doing and saying the correct thing at the correct time—the art of being able to hold oneself always in hand, no matter how exacting the circumstance. And like music or painting or writing, the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to its principles, the more perfectly your own character is molded.

CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES

The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative. His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and tranquillity that the French admiringly call sang froid. He knows how to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged or eager.

Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may be—there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.

We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed. It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of etiquette—breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner.

REGARD FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS

William De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics," says, "Politeness is proper respect for human personality. Rudeness results from thinking exclusively about ourselves and caring nothing for the feelings of anybody else. The sincere desire to bring the greatest pleasure and least pain to everyone we meet will go a long way towards making our manners more polite and courteous."

The man or woman who is truly cultured, truly well-bred, tries to make everyone happy and at ease. It is only the exceedingly vulgar person who finds pleasure in hurting the feelings of the people with whom he comes into contact. It makes no difference how wealthy or how poor a person is, how ignorant or educated he happens to be—as a fellow-being he is entitled to a hearty sympathy and respect. Both servility and arrogance are ungentlemanly. Gentleness, simplicity and a sincere regard for the rights of one's companions are the distinguishing marks of a fine character.

THE DANGER OF INTOLERANCE

There is no room for intolerance in the social world. To be honored, respected, one must have a certain friendliness of spirit. The gentleman, the lady treats everyone, from the lowliest beggar to the most distinguished personage with consideration. It is only the man who is unpretentious, who is always eager to please, who is as courteous and considerate in manner to his inferiors as to his equals, that fully deserves the name of gentleman.

The author recently chanced to witness an amusing incident which might be of value to repeat here. It shows forcibly how important the little things are, and how they reveal to the gaze of the world the true story of our actual worth:

An elderly man, who showed quite obviously by his lordly and self-satisfied manner that he was accustomed to travel about in his own car, was on one occasion forced to ride home in the subway. It was rush hour, and thousands of tired men and women were in a hurry to get home. The man impatiently waited his turn on a long line at the ticket office, constantly grumbling and making it disagreeable for those about him. When he finally did reach the window, he offered a ten dollar bill in payment for one five-cent ticket and deliberately remained at the window counting and recounting his change while the people behind him anxiously awaited their turn. When at last he did move away, he had a half smile, half frown of smug and malicious satisfaction on his face which, interpreted to the people he had kept waiting, said that he now felt repaid for having had to travel in the same train with them.

This man, in spite of his self-satisfied manner and well-tailored suit, was very far from being a gentleman. The shabby young man behind him, who also offered a bill in payment for his ticket, but stepped quickly to one side to count his change, and smiled cheerfully at the man behind him, was infinitely more of a gentleman than the one who maliciously, and with evident keen enjoyment, kept the long line waiting.

The true worth of a gentleman is revealed, not in his fashionable clothes or haughty demeanor, but in his regard for the rights of others. It is the little kindnesses that count—and the instinctive recognition of the rights of others. As England's inimitable J. M. Barrie has so aptly remarked, "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

WHY IT PAYS TO BE AGREEABLE

Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech.

The answer is: to make one's own life happier—to bring into it a new sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness and vulgarity.

For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition, complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees only the shadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted. Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have nothing to do with him. He lives his own life—his ill-bred, complaining, gloomy, companionless life—an outcast from that better society of which we all long to be a part.

Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is always cheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise—a wholesome, happy, undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it because it already exists in his mind.

And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring agreeableness of mind and spirit—the world will have none of him.

The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice, real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a friend.

But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire to adhere truly to society's laws and regard as inviolable the rights of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite.

THE SIMPLEST CULTURE

Yes, it pays to be agreeable. We are all like huge magnets, and we tend to attract those things which we ourselves send out. If we are coarse and unrefined, we attract to our company those people who are also coarse and unrefined. If we are disagreeable and unmindful of the rights of others, they in turn will be disagreeable to us, and unmindful of our rights. And similarly, if we are kind and agreeable, we are bound to meet and attract people of the same kind.

There is a pretty little story of a woman and a child, in which the simple friendliness of a little girl opened the door for a woman whose life had been embittered by much hardship and disappointment. She was strolling one day through a mountain farm-house. She did not know where she was going, and she did not care. She just wanted to forget, forget.

She stopped near a well and gazed angrily about her, wondering how there could be so much peace and quiet in a world that held nothing but turmoil and heartache for her. She was an attractive woman, and her smart clothes and haughty bearing were a disappointing contrast to her scowling face and angry eyes.

Suddenly she glanced down. A tiny girl was watching her intently—a little girl who had lived all her seven short years in the untutored expanse of the mountains. The woman was annoyed, and she did not hesitate to show it.

"What are you looking at; what do you want?" she demanded irritably.

Instead of returning the frown, the child smiled and stepped a little closer. "I was just thinking how pretty your face would be if it smiled instead of frowned," she answered.

The woman's face relaxed. The bitter look in the eyes vanished and was replaced by a bright new light. The scowl became a grateful smile, and with an impulsive sob of pure joy, she knelt down and hugged the little girl who had been the first in a long time to speak gently to her, the first in a long time to return her frowns with sincere smiles of friendliness. And when she finally left the little child, and returned to the exacting conventionalities of the town, she was a nobler, better and finer woman.

The simple heart of a child who knew no other creed or law than the sincere love of all mankind triumphed over the bitterness of a woman who had known years of education and worldliness.

Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly exists within us.

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CHAPTER II

ETIQUETTE'S REWARD

THE ORIGIN OF MANNERS

Why do we observe certain set rules of convention? Why do we greet people in a certain ordained way—by nodding or by lifting the hat? Why do we make introductions and send invitations and cultivate our manners and speech? To find the answer we must trace civilization back to its very source.

One of the first necessities of the savage was to devise some means of showing savages of other tribes that he did not mean to fight—that he wanted to live with them peaceably. At first it was difficult to do this; primeval man was always suspicious, always watchful. He had to be, for his life depended upon it. But slowly certain peaceful observances and signs were established, and the savages began to understand them as greetings of peace and good-will. The salutation and greeting of to-day is a direct result of this early necessity.

This peace-greeting, as we shall call it, was the first semblance of order, the first token of good fellowship that appeared out of the primeval chaos of warfare and destruction. A certain greeting, and things were on a peaceful basis. But let that greeting be forgotten, and the savage's life was the forfeit.

Man developed, and with him developed civilization. From that first "peace greeting" there came certain set salutations, certain forms of homage that bound men together in mutual protection and friendliness. Then slowly, out of this first beam of manners, this first bit of restraint from the savagery of primeval man, there were created certain ceremonies. Some were weird dances to the spirit of the Sun; others were animal or human sacrifices to some God of Fear; still others were strange ceremonies for the departed spirit of the dead. But they were ceremonies—and as such they presaged the ceremonies upon which all etiquette, all good manners, are based to-day.

We find that the history of manners keeps pace with the history and evolution of man. And we find that manners, or ceremonies, or respect for fellowmen—or whatever you want to call it—was the first tie that bound men together. It is the foundation upon which all civilization is built.

THE MANNERS OF TO-DAY

Certain sensible rules of etiquette have come down to us from one generation to another. To-day only those that have stood the test of time are respected and observed. They have been silently adopted by the common consent of the best circles in America and Europe; and only those who follow them faithfully can hope to be successful in business and in social life.

There are some people who say that etiquette, that manners, are petty shams that polish the surface with the gilt edge of hypocrisy. We all know that a few people believe this. Who of us has not heard the uncultured boor boast that he is not restricted by any "sissy manners"? Who of us has not heard the successful business man decline an invitation to a reception because he "had no time for such nonsense"? To a great many people manners mean nothing but nonsense; but you will find that they are almost invariably people who never win social or business distinction.

The rules of etiquette as we observe them nowadays are not, as some people suppose, the dictates of fashions. They are certain forms of address, certain conduct of speech and manner, that have been brought down to us through centuries of developing culture. And we observe them to-day because they make contact in social life easier and more agreeable; they make life more beautiful and impressive.

You do not have to observe the laws of good conduct if you do not wish to. Certainly not. You may do just as you please, say just what you please, and wear just what you please. But of course you must not complain when you find the doors of good society closed against you, when you find that people of good manners and correct social conduct avoid you and bar you from their activities. Good manners is the only key that will open the door to social success—and men and women often find that it fits the door to business success as well.

GOOD SOCIETY IN AMERICA

Everyone loves to mingle with cultured, well-bred people; with brilliant and celebrated individuals. Everyone loves to attend elaborate social functions where the gay gowns of beautiful women are only less charming and impressive than their faultless manners. But it is not everyone who can be admitted to these inner portals of good society.

It is a well-known truth that manners rather than wealth decide social rank. A man may be fabulously wealthy, but if he does not know how to act, how to dress and speak, he will not be respected. American society has rules of its own, and those who are not willing to learn these laws are shunned, banished. Etiquette is the wall which divides the cultured from the uncultured, which keeps the ill-bred out of the circles where they would be awkward and uncomfortable, and where they would undoubtedly cause mortification to others.

On the other hand, to know these rules of good conduct is to be admitted to the highest circles of society. To know that one is correct banishes at once all uncertainty, all embarrassment. And one mingles with perfectly-mannered people, calm in the assurance that one knows just what is correct, and that no matter what happens one can do or say nothing to reflect on one's breeding.

THE TRUE LADY AND GENTLEMAN

It is not enough to be wealthy. It is not enough to be widely famed. But if one is well-mannered, if one knows how to conduct oneself with poise, grace and self-confidence, one will win respect and honor no matter where one chances to be.

There are very few men indeed who do not value good manners. They may ridicule them, they may despise them—but deep down in their hearts they know that good manners have a certain charm, a certain power, that wealth and fame together do not possess. They know that right in their own business spheres there are men who owe their success and position to the appearance that they make, to the manner in which they conduct themselves. And they know that there are beautiful women who are coldly repellent; while some plain women win the hearts of everyone with whom they come in contact, merely by the charm of their manners.

The perfect gentleman is not the dude, the over-dressed "dandy" who disdains the workingman in his patched clothes and who sniffs contemptuously at the word "work." The true gentleman is kindly, courageous, civil. He is kind to everyone—to the tottering old man he helps across the street, and to the mischievous young rascal who throws a ball through his window. He does not know what it is to become angry, to lose control of his temper, to speak discourteously. He never shows that he is embarrassed or ill at ease. He is as calm and unconcerned in the presence of a world-wide celebrity as he is when he is with his most intimate friend. Nor is he ever bitter, haughty or arrogant. And he is as far from being effeminate as he is from being coarse and brutal. In short, he knows the manners of good society and he does not hesitate to use them.

The perfect lady is not the ornamental butterfly of society, as so many would have us believe. She is gentle, and well-dressed and graceful—not merely ornamental. She does some useful work, no matter what it is. She is patient always, and generous. She never speaks harshly to tradespeople or to servants; gentleness and reserve are the very keynotes of her manner. She is never haughty, never superior. She is kind and courteous to everyone, and she conducts herself with the calm, unassuming grace that instinctively wins a responsive respect. In her manner towards men she is reserved, modest. But she is self-reliant and not afraid to assert herself. Her speech and manner are characterized always by dignity, repose and self-confidence.

It is only by knowing the laws of good conduct, and by following them faithfully, that one can hope ever to become a true gentleman or true lady.

THE SECRET OF SOCIAL SUCCESS

Every man who so wishes may become a gentleman, and every woman may become a lady in every sense of the word. It requires only the cultivation of those qualities outlined above. And it is here that the use of etiquette lies, that the importance of good manners is most strikingly portrayed.

Etiquette teaches you how to be gentle, calm, patient. It tells you how to be at ease among strangers. It tells you how to cultivate grace, poise, self-confidence. Not only does it tell you how, but it gives you poise and self-confidence. By teaching you the right thing to do at the right time, it eliminates all possibility of mistakes—and hence all embarrassment and awkwardness vanish.

The existence of these fixed social laws, these little rules of etiquette, makes it easy for the man and woman who have not been bred in the best society, to master the knowledge which will enable them to enter that society and mingle with the most highly cultivated people without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. It tears down the barriers between the wealthy and the poor, between the educated and the ignorant. By knowing what to do and say and write and wear on all occasions, under all conditions, any man or woman can enter any society and mingle with any people. The old proverb might well be changed to read, "Culture makes the whole world kin!" Of course if a man suddenly became wealthy and he wished to enter the highest society, his wealth might serve as an opening. But he would soon find that money was not enough—that he needed manners. He might mingle with society for years, slowly acquiring the correct table manners, the correct mode of address, the correct manner of making introductions, the correct way to conduct himself at all times, in all places. But it would take many years before the rough edges of his previous uncultivated manners were rubbed away. Instead of waiting for years of contact with cultured people to bring him the correct manners befitting a man of wealth, he need only learn at once from a dependable authority the etiquette of society, the good form that has been crystallized into rules after years of social intercourse. It is the easiest road to social success.

WHAT MANNERS WILL DO FOR YOU

Every day you come into contact with people, with strangers, who judge you by what you do and say. They go away carrying an impression of you—and it depends upon your manners whether it is a good impression or a bad impression.

It is a mistake to think that good manners are meant for the elaborate ball room or for the formal dinner. Society is not necessarily too formal or too "showy." Society implies also that society of fellow-men you meet every day of the year—people you come into contact with in the social and business worlds. And in order to make contact with these people agreeable and pleasant, in order to win the admiration and respect of strangers, in order to avoid embarrassment and humiliation because of bad blunders at most conspicuous moments, it is essential to know what is right and what is wrong.

Good manners will enable you to be easy and graceful at all times. You will be able to mingle with the most cultured people and be perfectly at ease. You will lose all self-consciousness, all timidity. And instead you will become dignified, well-poised, calm. Instinctively people will respect you; in business and in society you will find yourself welcomed and admired.

ETIQUETTE'S REWARD

Etiquette is like the binding of a book—just as the binding reveals the name of the book, and protects the valuable pages that are inside, so does etiquette reveal the breeding and culture of an individual, and protects him from the disrespect, ridicule and snubs of the world.

Etiquette will make you dignified. It will make your actions and speech refined, polished, impressive. It will make you a leader instead of a follower, a participant instead of a looker-on. It will open the doors of the highest society to you, make you immune to all embarrassment, enable you to conduct yourself with ease and confidence at all times, under all circumstances.

The rewards of etiquette are too numerous to recount. If you follow the laws of good conduct, if you do only what is right and in good form, you will find yourself an acknowledged leader, an acknowledged success, no matter in what station of life you may be. The world is quick to perceive good manners, just as it is quick to perceive the blunders in etiquette. If you study the rules of good conduct, and follow good form in everything you do and say, you will become courteous and kind and well-mannered. Etiquette will attract people to you, make you and your home a center of social activity. But most of all, it will make you respect yourself. And that is more important than riches or fame—for self-respect is the only thing that brings true happiness.

Remember the words of the prophet, "He who respects himself will earn the respect of all the world."

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CHAPTER III

ENGAGEMENTS

OF SPECIAL IMPORTANCE

There is perhaps no time when the rules of etiquette need to be so strictly observed as during the period of courtship. All the world loves a lover—but this does not keep the world from watching closely and criticizing severely any breach of good manners, especially on the part of the young lady.

Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude comments of strangers. The young couple should conduct themselves with quiet dignity and reserve, neither indulging in terms of endearment or caresses, nor purposely ignoring each other so as to create the impression that they are not, after all, so very much in love. There is no reason why their conduct in public after they are engaged should be any more demonstrative than it was before.

At parties, dinners, and other entertainments it is their privilege to be with each other more than they are with anyone else, but this does not mean that they should neglect the other guests. If the occasion has been planned especially for them they are in part responsible for each one present finding it an enjoyable one. And each one should be very cordial to the friends of the other.

Many an engagement that held promise of golden happiness to come was abruptly broken because one or the other was not sufficiently circumspect in conduct. A young lady must remember that while she is not exactly expected to give up indiscriminately all her friends of the opposite sex, she must not receive them as guests, or go to the theater or ball with them, without the knowledge and consent of her fiancé. He is, of course, expected to be equally considerate of her with regard to his own relations with other women.

The engaged couple of to-day enjoys much greater freedom than the engaged couple of our grandmothers' time. The chaperon has been almost entirely dispensed with, except in a few individual cases. Although it is still considered rather poor form to attend the theater or opera together, without other friends in the party, it is often done without any very serious consequence to the young people. Perhaps it is because the young men and women of this country have that instinctive grace and dignity of manner that the severe laws of conduct practiced abroad have been deemed unnecessary.

THE PROPOSAL

At one time, not so very long ago, it was considered an irrevocable law of etiquette that a young man obtain the formal consent of a young lady's parents before asking her hand in marriage. Prevalent customs have almost eliminated this formality, and modern mothers and fathers, by the welcome which they accord him in their home, show a young man whether or not they think him eligible for their daughter's hand. And it is really a much wiser plan to object to a friendship when it first begins instead of waiting until it has developed into something more serious. If the young man wishes to proceed upon the old-fashioned formula he may do so, first assuring himself insofar as he is able that his attentions are welcome to the young lady.

The time for the proposal depends upon attending circumstances. Someone has said that there would be fewer divorces if more proposals were made in the middle of the day under ordinary conditions, but the timid or romantic youth usually prefers the witchery of moonlight and the magic of solitude. The proposal itself should be sincere and earnest. Glowing terms and impassioned emotion are, indeed, very bad taste; and often the more simple a proposal is the more forcibly it expresses the suitor's ardor.

If he is accepted the well-bred young man will immediately seek the young lady's parents and impart the happy news to them. At this point, if it has not already been disclosed it is customary for him to reveal his true status, financially and socially, and answer politely any questions that her parents may ask him. If there are dissensions he must explain calmly and carefully, making sure all the time to keep complete control of his feelings and not to allow himself to become either angry or impatient.

THE ENGAGEMENT RING

It is the custom to seal the engagement pact with a ring. As soon as the prospective bridegroom has won the consent of the young lady whom he wishes to be his wife, he places the engagement ring on the third finger of her left hand. The convention is that the ring be a diamond solitaire set in gold or platinum, or, if it is preferred, a diamond set with other stones. It is always wise to consult the individual preference of the young lady in determining the choice of the ring, and it is her privilege to choose whatever kind she wants regardless of tradition or convention.

ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT

After the proposal has been accepted announcement of the fact is made, and it is here that the young lady takes the leading part.

There are several established conventions in announcing the engagement. Each one is good form, and the choice is merely a matter of taste and convenience. But always the initiative must come from the family of the future bride. The young man must not even announce the engagement to his best friends until he is quite sure that his fiancé has already made it known to her friends.

It has always been a popular custom in better society to give the announcement of an engagement as nearly an appearance of "leaking out" as possible. Perhaps it is because it adds to the interest of the occasion. To obtain this effect, a number of intimate friends and relatives are invited to a dinner party—really the engagement dinner—where, in the course of the conversation, the news of the engagement is casually imparted to the guests for the first time. It is usually announced by the father of the young lady; sometimes by her older brother, and in some cases by her mother.

The guests, of course, will offer warm and sincere congratulations. The happy couple mingle among their guests and receive their good wishes with modesty and smiles of thanks.

Sometimes the young lady gives a luncheon for her friends, at which the announcement is made. It is always very pretty to make the announcement in some novel way, and if the hostess does not find her own ingenuity equal to it she will find her stationer her best guide. He has various novelty cards, etc., specially designed for such occasions.

Often, instead of formally announcing the engagement, the young lady gives the news to several of her closest friends, depending on them to spread it among their friends and acquaintances. This manner of announcement is usually followed with a little informal reception, to which are invited the members of the prospective bridegroom's family and the relatives of both families.

THE MOST USUAL METHOD

Perhaps the best way to announce an engagement is for the young lady and her mother to send small engraved cards to their circle of friends and relatives, making the announcement in a simple statement, and mentioning an afternoon when they will be "at home" to visitors. The young man may also send notes or cards to his friends, having first made sure that his fiancé has already announced it to her friends. The "at home" offers a splendid opportunity for each one to meet the friends of the other, and for the families of the two young people to become better acquainted. Care must be taken that there is no constraint, no drifting into "circles." The young lady must welcome her future husband's friends with sincere cordiality, and see that they are properly introduced to her own friends. He must mingle with her friends and make himself companionable and agreeable. To be constantly together, selfishly enjoying each other's company while the neglected guests are left to their own devices is a breach of etiquette and must be conscientiously avoided if the "at home" is to be hailed a success.

If this last method of announcing the engagement is decided upon, the home should boast no decorations except flowers simply arranged. The young lady and her mother, in conservative afternoon frocks, receive together. The young man is usually presented to the guests by his future father-in-law. Entertainment, such as music and dancing, may be provided for the occasion if it is convenient. Simple refreshments may be served—dainty sandwiches, cake, tea and sweets are appropriate when served in an attractive manner.

It is also customary to place an announcement in the society columns of the newspapers simultaneously with the giving of the dinner party. It should always be written by the parents about their daughter, or by the guardian if she has no parents—never by the engaged girl herself.

ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT IN THE NEWSPAPERS

The vogue to-day seems to favor announcing engagements in the newspaper rather than through the issuing of announcement cards. Such items of announcement should be sent to the society editor of the paper selected, and should be signed with the full name and address of the sender. Brief items are always better than long ones.

Here are two typical newspaper announcements of recent engagements:

"Mr. and Mrs. Henry M. Bower announce the engagement of their daughter Rose to Mr. Walter Barrie of Boston. The date of the wedding will be announced in this paper later."

"The engagement of Miss Lillian Hall to Mr. Robert G. Manning is announced by Mr. and Mrs. John B. Hall. The wedding is to take place in St. Thomas's Church on the 15th of June."

ENGAGEMENT GIFTS

It is not customary for elaborate engagement gifts to be presented, even by near relatives. In fact, the mode of the engagement gift has been gradually disappearing until to-day congratulations are considered sufficient. However, the close friends of the young lady may send her, with their congratulations, pleasing bits of chinaware, glassware, and sometimes even silver. Odd pieces of bric-à-brac and quaint, unusual gifts, and antiques are always acceptable. Markings on gifts are usually in the maiden name of the bride—but if any doubt is felt as to which she herself would prefer, it is best to ask her.

There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an engagement present. A lover, who was obliged to go away on an extended sea journey, gave to his betrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to drink tea from it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful, the cup will fill to overbrimming and the tea pouring over the sides will crack the thin china. Then you will know I have broken faith." The custom has been brought down to us, and now we find that the giving of a tea-cup or a tea-set as an engagement present signifies faithfulness—and it may mean faithfulness to friendship or love as the case may be. We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets.

Expensive gifts should never be exchanged during an engagement, barring of course the engagement ring. The young man may present his prospective bride with books, flowers or candy, but articles of wearing apparel are considered bad taste.

To be modest, gracious, dignified during the engagement, to continue one's social duties faithfully, neither neglecting one's friends nor becoming self-consciously enthusiastic, to be self-possessed and unaffected even while one is the center of much lively interest and animated discussion—this is the end to be desired, and the young man and woman who have accomplished it are indeed fortunate.

BRIDAL SHOWERS

A good many years ago a friend of a young woman who was about to be married decided that the only gift she could afford was too slight an offering to express the love and good wishes that she felt. Knowing that there were other friends who felt the same way she called them together and suggested that they present their gifts at the same time. Then and there the idea of the "shower" was born.

The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day the shower has a special purpose, such as the linen shower or the kitchen shower or the book shower. It is a very charming way of presenting gifts that would seem too trifling if they were presented alone.

Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at a shower. It is usually a very informal affair and nearly always a surprise to the bride. The gifts may be hidden in a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all sorts of odd packages, or they may be presented in any of a hundred and one attractive ways. Originality in this, as in all entertainments, is greatly to be desired.

The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks the guests verbally, and afterwards she may write each of them a little note expressing her gratitude. It is necessary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one and the gifts were expensive.

LENGTH OF THE ENGAGEMENT

The question of how long an engagement should last is usually governed by attendant conditions. There is, however, a marked tendency for engagements to be short; in fact, fashion now demands that the wedding-day be at least tentatively fixed before the engagement is announced.

Many times there are excellent reasons why it should be of several years' duration. It is best not to announce the fact formally, though it may be understood among one's friends. Matters of this kind are to be determined by the two people who are most concerned, and if a young man and his fiancé have decided that they would like to have a long engagement the rules of etiquette have nothing to say against it.

RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WEDDING

The father and mother of the young lady who is about to be married assume all responsibility for the preparation for and the celebration of the wedding. The groom is not expected to pay for anything except the ring and flowers for the bride and, if he wishes, the flowers for the bridesmaids and trifling gifts for the ushers and other attendants. The clergyman's fee also devolves upon him, but all other expenses are paid by the bride's parents or guardians. Indeed, it would indicate a great lack of tact or delicacy on the part of the groom to offer to provide a part of the trousseau or to pay for any of the other expenses incidental to the occasion.

Announcement cards, invitations, music, flowers and other decorations for the church, the preparations for the breakfast or reception to follow the ceremony—all of these are paid for by her parents. The wedding should never be more elaborate than the parents of the bride can afford.

FAMILIES AND FRIENDS

It is always very delightful when the families of an engaged couple find themselves congenial, and every effort should be made by the young people to bring about, if it does not already exist, a harmonious relationship between their immediate families. It is almost equally desirable that each shall like the friends of the other and heroic efforts must be made to do so. A pleasing way to bring friends together is by means of an informal reception. The invitations should be cordial notes written by hand. The following indicates the usual form:

Bayside, April 4, 19—

Dear May:

No doubt you already know that I am engaged to be married to Ralph Curran. Thursday afternoon from three to five mother is giving a little reception for his friends and mine, and we both hope that you will be able to attend.

Cordially yours,

Helen Hall.

For the members of the immediate families or for very close friends a dinner is suggested but the most important point for the family which is doing the entertaining to keep in mind is the style of living to which the other has been accustomed, and nothing should be done which might embarrass them. If the family has been accustomed to great elegance the one that is acting as host need have no fear for people who are worth knowing appreciate simplicity wherever they find it; but if they are in very moderate circumstances it is the cruellest kind of discourtesy to attempt to overawe them with ceremonious hospitality.

It is ordinarily the family of the groom that is first to approach the other with an invitation of some kind, but extenuating circumstances make the convention vary. Often a young girl is invited to visit in the home of her fiancé before her marriage. It is an invitation which she may accept with perfect propriety.

[ ]

CHAPTER IV

WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS

THE WEDDING INVITATION

Not later than fifteen days, and not earlier than four weeks before the date set for the marriage, wedding invitations are sent to those friends, relatives and acquaintances who are to be present at the ceremony. When the wedding is to be a large church affair, invitations are sent to all those whose names appear on the visiting lists of the two families. They are also issued to relatives and friends of the bride and groom who may be traveling abroad, to the important business associates of the groom, and those of the bride's father. Intimate friends and relatives in mourning are also invited, whether they are expected to attend or not.

For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in the issuing of invitations. Intimate friends and relatives of both families are invited, but no casual acquaintances. In sending out the invitations, the bride-to-be and her mother should take into consideration the number of people who will fit comfortably into the reception or drawing room.

SIZE AND MATERIAL

Formal wedding invitations should always be engraved. They are issued in the name of the bride's parents, or, if she is an orphan, in the names of a married brother and his wife, of her guardian or her nearest male relative.

Pure white or cream-tinted paper, unglazed but smooth in surface, should be used for wedding invitations. A conventional size, although each year sees another size in wedding invitations, is seven inches in length by six inches in width. These dimensions vary, but never more than an inch or so. They fold once into the envelope. Plain script is favored for the engraving of the wedding cards; old English script, Roman capitals and block lettering are all effective. A good stationer will show you the types of lettering most suited to wedding invitations at the present time. It is his business to be able to advise you.

If there is a family crest (the bride's family) it may be embossed in white in the center at the top of the engraved sheet, but not on the flap of the envelope. A recent fashion is to have the bride's initials embossed in white where the crest would appear. Both are effective; but such decorations as gilt-edges, entwined letters of coats-of-arms in colors are in bad taste.

Very fine paper should be selected for the wedding invitation. No tint except cream may be used; pure-white is considered the very best form. The paper should be of medium weight, unglazed, and smooth. Light-weight paper through which lettering can be easily seen should not be used. Nor should the paper be so thick and heavy that it breaks when folded.

KINDS OF ENVELOPES

The wedding invitation demands two envelopes. The first, matching in texture and quality the paper of the invitation, is used as a protection for the card. It remains unsealed. The second envelope is a trifle larger, though it must also be of a similar texture. Into this envelope the card and the inner envelope are slipped for mailing.

The large envelope is sealed and stamped. It bears the complete name and address of the person for whom it is intended, while the inner envelope bears only the name. The church cards are enclosed with the wedding invitation if there is necessity for them. And if there is to be a wedding reception to which this particular guest is invited, a special card is also enclosed. The "at home" cards of the bridal couple are sent separately after the wedding.

ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES

The wedding invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Blank. The expression "and family" following the name of a husband and wife is not used in polite society. If there are unmarried daughters to be invited, a separate invitation is addressed to "The Misses Blank." Sons may be invited either by sending a separate invitation to each one, or addressing one invitation to "The Messrs. Blank." All these invitations, in their proper envelopes, addressed appropriately, are placed in the large envelope for mailing. This single envelope is addressed in full to the matron of the family, "Mrs. Henry Mason Blank."

INVITATION TO CHURCH WEDDING

The invitation to a church wedding is worded with a bit more formality than the invitation to the home ceremony. It is sent out two or three weeks before the day set for the wedding. The church wedding invitation requires no written acknowledgment, except in those rare cases when there is a request for it. Instead of the initials, R.S.V.P., it is better form to say simply, "Please reply." Invitations for the home wedding, of course, require prompt acknowledgment.

Following are two forms of church wedding invitations which may be used:

Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor
request the honor of
.............................
presence at the marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
with
Mr. Raymond Mitchell
on Thursday, the ninth of May
at four o'clock
St. Thomas's Church
New York

Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
and
Mr. Raymond Mitchell
on Friday, the fourth of June
at six o'clock
at the Presbyterian Church
Boston

In the first invitation, the name of the guest is written by hand in the space left for that purpose. The use of "marriage and" and "marriage with" is now customary in preference to "marriage to." All three words are in good form, however, and any one of them may be used. Below is a model engraved admission card, used when the church wedding is to be a large one and tickets of admission are necessary. The correct size is denoted:

PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARD
at St. Michael's Church
on Monday, the fifth of May

INVITATIONS TO HOME WEDDING

For the home wedding, invitations are engraved as for the church wedding, but for the phrase "request the honor of your presence" the phrase "request the pleasure of your company" is substituted, though "honor" may be used in place of "pleasure" if one prefers.

As in the case of the church wedding, a space may be left for the name of the guest to be filled in, or the form that follows may be used:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Guy Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Helen Rose
and
Mr. Henry Van Buren
on Tuesday afternoon, June the first
at four o'clock
Twenty-two West End Avenue

When the wedding takes place in the country, or a guest at a great distance is invited, a small card like the one following is generally included:

Train leaves Grand Central Station
for Glenville at 11:42 A.M.

Returning train leaves Glenville
for New York at 6:10 P.M.

Wealthy people often place a special train at the disposal of special city friends whose presence is eagerly desired at the wedding. A card, like the one following, is enclosed with the invitation, and it serves as a pass, entitling the bearer to a seat in the reserved train. Here is the form most generally used:

The special train leaves
Grand Central Station for Glenville
at 11:42 A.M.
Leaves Glenville for Grand Central Station
at 6:10 P.M.
Please present this card at station door

WEDDING IN A FRIEND'S HOME

Sometimes, either because of convenience or personal preference, arrangements are made to have a wedding take place at the home of a friend or relative. The following wording is suggested as the correct form for the invitation:

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Miss Marian Benson Joyce
to
Mr. John H. Brown
on Monday, the fifth of June
at twelve o'clock
at the residence of
Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Smith Hopkins
Eighteen Johns Street

WHEN CARDS ARE ENCLOSED

When a church wedding is followed by a reception or breakfast, special engraved cards are enclosed with the invitations to those guests whose presence is desired. It may be a very small card, inscribed merely with these words:

Reception
from four o'clock
Forty-six Lafayette Street

For the wedding breakfast a card of this kind is usually enclosed:

Mr. and Mrs. John Hay
request the pleasure of
.....................
company, at breakfast
on Thursday, the fifth of May
at twelve o'clock

INVITATIONS TO SECOND MARRIAGES

The second wedding invitation of a widow should be issued in the name of her parents or nearest living relatives. She uses her own first name with the surname of the deceased husband. Here is the correct form:

Mr. and Mrs. Robbert Manning
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage of their daughter
Mrs. May Ellis Bruce
to
Mr. Stanley Kenworth
on Monday, September the fifth
at six o'clock
St. Paul Chapel

It may be that the woman who is to be married for the second time has no near relatives to serve as hosts for her. Her invitations may be like this:

The honor of your presence is requested
at the marriage of
Mrs. Helen Roy Chadwick
and
Mr. Bruce Kenneth
on Wednesday, August the tenth
at four o'clock
Church of the Redeemer

Announcement cards are sent after a wedding if there were no invitations issued. They are often sent instead of invitations to friends who live at too great a distance to be present at the ceremony. They require no acknowledgment though it is customary to send either a note expressing good wishes or a gift of some kind. If one lives in the same community one should call on the bride's mother, and if the bride's card in inclosed, on the bride herself shortly after she returns from the honeymoon. This is the usual form for the announcement card:

Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith
announce the marriage of their daughter
Rose Madeline
to
Mr. Frank Breckenridge
on Thursday, April the first
one thousand nine hundred and twenty-one

In case of a second marriage of the bride, the announcement card reads in this manner:

Mr. Robert G. Gainsworth
and
Mrs. Herbert Gaylord Smith
announce their marriage
on Thursday, August the Eleventh
one thousand nine hundred and twenty-one

The bride uses the announcement above only when she is a widow. A divorcée uses her own first and second names, with the surname of the divorced husband.

The announcement card is engraved on sheets of white paper similar in size and texture to those used for the invitation. It is posted on the day of the wedding. The forms given above may be modified by adding the name of the Church in which the ceremony was held, or the home address of the bride if it was a home wedding.

With the wedding invitation or the announcement card the "at home" card of the bride may be included, giving the date of her return from the honeymoon and her future address. Thus:

Mr. and Mrs. K. N. Littleton
At Home in Forest Hills
After the eighteenth of August

INVITATION TO WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Unlike the wedding invitation, that of the anniversary may display some delicate, unostentatious design significant of the occasion. It is engraved on sheets or cards which may display the entwined initials of husband and wife, and the year of the marriage and wedding anniversary. For a silver wedding, the engraving may be done in silver, and gold lettering is permissible for the fifty-year anniversary. The two most approved forms for the anniversary invitations are given below:

1875 1900
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher
At Home
Wednesday evening, May third
after eight o'clock
Thirty-two Pine Street

1863 1913
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher
request the pleasure of your company
on the Fiftieth Anniversary
of their marriage
on Thursday, June the third
at eight o'clock
Thirty-two Pine Street

INFORMAL WEDDING INVITATION

When a recent death in the family, or when personal preference results in a so-called "quiet" wedding, when only the immediate family and very close friends are invited, a short note written either by the bride-to-be or her mother, is the only invitation. Following is a note of this kind from the bride-elect to her friend—and immediately below it the correct form of acknowledgment:

Dear Janet:

Two weeks from Monday, on the ninth of September, Mr. Brill and I are to be married. We are asking only a few of our most intimate friends to be present, and would be very glad to have you among them. The ceremony will take place at four o'clock.

With kindest regards, I am

Sincerely yours,

Harriet B. Howe.

Dear Harriet:

I shall be delighted to attend your wedding on September ninth, at four o'clock.

With cordial good wishes to you and Mr. Brill, I am

Sincerely yours,

Janet B. Robbins.

ACKNOWLEDGING THE FORMAL WEDDING INVITATION

When a breakfast or reception card is included, a response must be made promptly. The form of the invitation should be followed as nearly as possible. It is written on the first page of a sheet of social note paper, and addressed to the parents or guardians of the bride. Here is the form used for acceptance:

Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Fletcher's
kind invitation to be present at the
marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
to
Mr. Thomas Wolcott
on Tuesday, the seventh of May
at twelve o'clock
and afterward at the wedding breakfast

Regrets are usually worded in this manner, following closely the invitation. The reason for non-attendance may or may not be given:

Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer
exceedingly regret that they
are unable to accept
Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher's
kind invitation to be present at the
marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
to
Mr. Thomas Wolcott
on Tuesday, the seventh of May
at twelve o'clock
and afterward at the wedding breakfast

In the fourth line of the first acknowledgment above the two last words "at the" may be prefixed to the fifth line; the same holds true of the fifth line of the second acknowledgment. A good stationer will be able to give you the exact prevalent vogue in this matter.

WHOM TO INVITE

It is necessary for the young man and woman who are about to be married to make out their list of those to whom invitations are to be sent together. If the wedding is to be a large affair, not only their friends but the friends of their parents as well, and business acquaintances of both families should be invited. Relatives and friends in mourning should be invited but no resentment should be felt if they do not attend. If the wedding is a small one great care should be taken lest the guests are so numerous as to overcrowd the church or home. Especially is this true of the home where the space is usually more circumscribed.

SENDING THE INVITATIONS

All invitations should come from the home of the bride, even those that are for the personal friends of her husband even if they are unknown to the bride. They should be mailed from one month to two weeks or ten days before the day set for the wedding. If the bride is an orphan they are sent in the name of her nearest relative. If there is an older brother they may be issued in his name, but never in the name of a sister unless she is a great deal older than the bride or is herself a married woman. If the bride has lost one parent and the other has remarried she may use her own judgment as to whether to send the invitation in the name of her parent or in the names of them both. The latter is usually preferred, as a matter of consideration toward the step-parent.

RECALLING THE WEDDING INVITATION

A sudden death in the family, illness, accident, or other serious happening, warrants the recall of wedding invitations. The parents of the bride should immediately notify guests of the postponement of the wedding, by issuing printed cards. A good size for these cards is three and a quarter inches in length by one and one-quarter inches in width. The text is usually worded in this manner:

Owing to the sudden death of Mr. Henry
Robert's father, Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis
are compelled to recall the invitations for
their daughter's wedding on Thursday,
February the fourth.

or

Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis beg to recall
the invitations issued for the marriage of
their daughter, Grace Helen, and Mr. Henry
Roberts, on Thursday, February the fourth.

BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT

A broken engagement is always embarrassing for both the young man and the young lady. Friends, if they are truly well-bred, will not ask questions, and relatives will not demand explanations. The obligations which such a situation entails are unpleasant, but it is infinitely better to go through the ordeal than to face a marriage which is certain to end in disaster.

At such a time it is important for the young lady to have the utmost dignity and self-possession. She is not expected to make any announcement or offer any explanations. If a reception has been scheduled, her mother sends brief notes or engraved cards to those who have been invited, informing them that the engagement has been broken. The young lady, if she wishes, may confide in her intimate friends; but to be bitter, to condemn her former suitor in any way, to suggest that perhaps he was not all that she thought he was at first, not only reflects on her own good judgment, but is very poor form and shows lack of delicacy.

If the announcement of the engagement has been made in the papers such a notice as this might be inserted in the name of the person or persons who first made the announcement:

Mr. and Mrs. C. D. Simmons announce
that by mutual consent the engagement
between their daughter Agnes and George
Francis Richards is at an end.

If invitations have been sent out a similar announcement may be dispatched to each intended guest. These should be engraved on white cards of the size recommended by the stationer.

If the engagement was announced only to intimate friends the bride should send each of them a note stating that the engagement is at an end. It is much better never to give an explanation. Such occasions as this must have given rise to the proverb, "Least said, soonest mended." Even to the bride's dearest friend the following note is sufficient:

Bellevue, June 1, 19—

Dear Ruth:

Since I wrote you last week something has happened which has made George and me reconsider our engagement. You will therefore please disregard the invitation for Thursday afternoon.

Ever sincerely yours,

Margaret Franklin.

RETURNING GIFTS

When an engagement is broken off the young people return all expensive gifts and all letters that have passed between them. The young lady always, of course, returns the engagement ring.

If wedding presents have been received from friends these also must be returned with a brief note explaining that the wedding is not to take place. It is necessary to thank the donor as warmly as if nothing had happened.

It takes a great deal of courage to face the situation bravely and to go through it without a sacrifice of dignity. One thing must be remembered: Don't be afraid of what people will say. It is not their happiness which is at stake.

WHEN DEATH INTERVENES

Often a death in the family occurs when preparations are under way for a wedding. If the death is that of a parent or very dear relative the wedding should be postponed, if circumstances permit, as a mark of respect and sincere sorrow for the deceased. But if the wedding must take place as scheduled, or even two or three months after the death, good taste and delicacy demand that it shall be quiet and simple, with only a few near relatives and friends present.

If the ceremony is performed in church there should be no garlands of gay flowers to strike a festive note. A bit of fern or other green foliage here and there is sufficient decoration. The bride may have one bridesmaid and a maid of honor—but an elaborate bridal train is considered poor taste within six months of a dearly beloved one's death. The ceremony itself is dispatched with expedience and rapidity, yet without any semblance whatever of haste.

Whether it is held in church or at home, the wedding during the period of mourning is characterized by a solemn simplicity that has none of the triumphant joyousness of the elaborate wedding. And still the occasion sacrifices none of its happiness, for sorrow brings to human nature the same mellow sweetness that the flight of time brings to untasted wine.

To pay fitting reverence to the dead, weddings and receptions of all kinds should be postponed. But if circumstances decree that they shall take place, then the occasion may be marked by so quiet and unpretentious a ceremony that the respect due the deceased is in no way violated.

[ ]

CHAPTER V

WEDDINGS

THE CHURCH WEDDING

The bride and groom decide between them the church where they wish the wedding to take place and the clergyman whom they wish to officiate. When there is no religious difference between the couple the matter is a very simple one and the church which the bride's family regularly attends is the one chosen, but when he is of one faith and she of another it may assume serious proportions. If neither is inclined to yield gracefully the laws of etiquette decree that the groom should give in, not only because chivalry demands it but also because the wedding day by right and tradition belongs primarily to the bride.

The church should be decorated for the occasion but not with great elaboration. Palms, ferns, and smilax, roses, lilies and other flowers are appropriate. Ribbon also may be used effectively. White streamers are sometimes used to mark off the seats which are to be occupied by the relatives and intimate friends of the bride and groom, but there are many people who do not like to indicate so definitely the lines of demarcation among their guests.

Extravagance in any of the appointments of the wedding are in extremely bad taste. It is sometimes well to remember the delightful logic of the old lady who said that she did not dress better than she could afford to at home because everybody knew her and there was no use trying to impress them; and she did not dress better than she could afford when she went to the city because nobody knew her and it did not make any difference whether she impressed them or not. No set form of decoration can be given, but magnificent ornamentation is out of place in a simple chapel or church, and in every place profusion beyond one's means is not only ill-bred but foolish.

ATTENDANTS

Among the Anglo-Saxons the custom of an impressive escort for the bride had its origin. To-day it is a matter of choice, and the bride may have as many or as few as she pleases. Her maid of honor is usually her sister or her best friend and her bridesmaids are chosen from among those who are dearest to her. The groom chooses the best man and the bride and groom together select the ushers.

THE BRIDESMAIDS

Although the number of bridesmaids is entirely a matter of choice, it is the fashion at an elaborate church wedding to have not less than five nor more than ten. A maid or matron of honor, two little pages or flower girls, and, if it is desired, a third child to bear the cushion to the altar, completes the bridal train.

The bevy of bridesmaids consists of the bride's dearest friends. If she has sisters, one of them, as well as one of the bridegroom's sisters, must be included in her escort. For maid or matron of honor, the bride selects a sister or intimate friend.

It is sometimes customary for the bride to provide the dresses of her bridesmaids. This, however, is dependent upon circumstances and conditions, and is not really essential. It is important, though, that the bride visit each bridesmaid personally and request her services at the wedding, unless she lives at some distance.

The bride, if the wedding is to be an elaborate one, may suggest to the bridesmaids the kind of gowns she would like them to wear. The young ladies may be trusted to follow her wishes implicitly. No one would willingly mar a friend's wedding by appearing in a gown that does not agree with the general plan. The gowns need not be identical; but the colors must be the same, or at least harmonize. Light shades are always the fashion for bridesmaids. White, of course, for the bride.

The bridesmaids should be invited many weeks before the wedding so that they will have ample time for preparation. Nearly always the dress has to be made, and this takes time.

It is customary for the bridesmaids to be dressed alike or very nearly alike. The custom had its origin in primitive times when evil spirits were supposed to attend wedding ceremonies and the bride and groom were surrounded by friends of their own age and sex dressed similarly so that the spirits could not single out the happy couple for their evil designs. It is a far cry from that time to this, and the only reason why the bridesmaids are dressed similarly now is because the effect is so much prettier than could be attained by a miscellaneous array of gowns, however beautiful each one in itself might be.

They carry flowers, either cut flowers or bouquets, but their bouquets are never so elaborate as that carried by the bride. Usually they wear a bit of jewelry which was presented by the groom. This, too, is a curious survival of primitive marriage customs when the groom had to capture the bride, and because she was fleet-footed and wild (or perhaps because he was lazy), bribed her friends to lure her to the place where he was waiting.

REHEARSALS