MARION HARLAND’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE

MARION HARLAND’S
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE

MARION HARLAND’S
Complete Etiquette

A Young People’s Guide to Every Social Occasion
By
MARION HARLAND
AND
VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER
REVISED AND ENLARGED

INDIANAPOLIS
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PUBLISHERS

Copyright 1905, 1907, 1914
The Bobbs-Merrill Company
PRESS OF
BRAUNWORTH & CO.
BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS
BROOKLYN, N. Y.

CONTENTS

MARION HARLAND’S
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER I
SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS

THE sending and receiving of invitations underlies social obligations. It therefore behooves both senders and recipients to learn the proper form in which these evidences of hospitality should be despatched and received.

In the majority of cases an invitation demands an answer. If one is in doubt, it is well to err on the side of acknowledging an invitation, rather than on that of ignoring it altogether.

We will consider first such invitations as demand no acceptance but which call for regrets if one can not accept. Such are cards to “At Home” days, to teas and to large receptions. Unless any one of these bears on its face the letters “R. s. v. p.” (Répondez, s’il vous plaît—Answer if you please) no acceptance is required. If one can not attend the function, one should send one’s card so that one’s friend will receive it on the day of her affair.

CARDS FOR AN AT HOME

The cards for an “At Home” are issued about ten days before the function. They bear the hostess’ name alone, unless her husband is to receive with her, in which case the card may bear the two names, as “Mr. and Mrs. James Smith.” The average American man does not, however, figure at his wife’s “At Homes” when these are held in the afternoon. The exigencies of counting-room and office hold him in thrall too often for him to be depended on for such an occasion.

A plain, heavy cream card, simply engraved, is now used for most formal invitations in preference to the engraved notes that were the rule ten years ago.

The card bears in the lower right-hand corner the address of the entertainer; in the lower left-hand corner the date and the hours of the affair,—as “Wednesday, October the nineteenth,” and under this “From four until seven o’clock.”

If the tea be given in honor of a friend, or to introduce a stranger, the card of this person is enclosed with that of the hostess, if the affair be rather informal. If, however, it be a formal reception it is well to have engraved upon the card of the hostess, directly under her own name, “To meet Miss Smith.”

If a woman wishes to be at home for a guest unexpectedly arrived, and there is not time for the engraving of cards, or if she prefers to be informal, she may simply use her visiting-card, writing the name of her guest beneath her own, and adding the date on which she will receive, and the hours, in the lower left-hand corner. It is understood, of course, that abbreviations—with the exception of “P. p. c.” and “R. s. v. p.”—are never to be used on invitations and social notes.

The recipient, if sending cards instead of attending, encloses a card for the guest or friend whom she has been invited to meet.

THE EVENING RECEPTION

The cards for an evening reception may be issued in the same style. If not, they are in the form of a regular invitation, and in the third person, as:

“Mr. and Mrs. James Smith
Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs.
Brown’s company
On Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth,
From eight to eleven o’clock.
2 West Clark Street.”

If this formal invitation bears “R. s. v. p.” in one corner, it should be accepted in the same person in which it is written, thus:

“Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s invitation for Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth.”

The reply to an invitation, whether formal or informal, should, to guard against misunderstanding, always explicitly repeat the date and the hour.

It is hardly to be supposed that any person who reads this book will be guilty of the outrageous solecism of signing his or her name to an invitation written in the third person. But such things have been done!

ABBREVIATIONS AND FIGURES

The letters “R. s. v. p.” are often written or engraved entirely in capitals. This is incorrect. Some people prefer to dispense with them altogether and to express themselves in the simpler fashion, “The favor of an answer is requested.” It will be noticed that figures are avoided. The day of the week, and such words as “street” and “avenue” must appear in full. Some people even write out the year in words, but this looks heavy. Never use “City” or “Town” on an envelope in place of the name of the city.

To announce an “At Home” through the newspapers is to be avoided. In case of the sudden descent of a friend who will remain for two or three days only it may be done. In that case one must add that there are no invitations, otherwise one’s friends may not understand.

DANCES AND TEAS

Invitations to dances are often issued in the same form as those to teas, with “Dancing” written or engraved in the corner of the card. As with teas, so with evening receptions, a declinature must be sent in the shape of a card delivered on the day of the function. The custom that some persons follow of writing “Regrets” on such a card is not good form.

An invitation to a card-party, no matter how informal, always demands an answer, as the entertainer wishes to know how many tables to provide, and the number of players she can count on.

Cards to church weddings demand no answer unless the wedding be a small one and the invitations are written by the bride or one of the relatives, in which case the acceptance or regret must be written at once, and thanks expressed for the honor. A “crush” church wedding is the one function that demands no reply of any kind. If one can go, well and good. If one does not go one will not be missed from the crowd that will throng the edifice. An invitation to a home wedding or a breakfast demands an answer and thanks for the honor.

ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES

While on the subject of invitations to large or formal affairs, it may be well to touch on a point concerning which many correspondents write letters of agonized inquiry,—the addressing of envelopes to the different members of a family. The question, “May one invitation be sent to an entire family, consisting of parents, sons and daughters?” is asked again and again. To each of these an emphatic “No!” is the answer. If any person is to be honored by an invitation to a function, he should be honored by an invitation sent in the proper way. One card should be sent to “Mr. and Mrs. Blank”; another to the “Misses Blank,” still another to each son of the family. One can foresee the day when each unmarried daughter will expect her own card, so rapidly is feminine individuality developing. Each invitation is enclosed in a separate envelope, but, if desired, all these envelopes may be enclosed in a larger outer one addressed to the head of the house.

The most important invitation,—one demanding an immediate answer,—is that to a dinner or luncheon, be this formal or informal. For stately formal dinners, engraved invitations in the third person are sent. But it is quite as good form, and in appearance much more hospitable and complimentary, for the hostess herself to write personal notes of invitation to each guest. These may be in the simplest language, as:

“My dear Miss Dorr:

“Will you give Mr. Brown and myself the pleasure of having you at dinner with us on Thursday evening, December the sixth? We sincerely hope that you will be among those whom we see at our table that night. Dinner will be served at seven o’clock.

“Cordially yours,
“Louise Brown.”

An invitation to a married woman should always include herself and her husband, but it is addressed to her because it is the woman who is supposed to have charge of the social calendar of the family. This note may read:

“My dear Mrs. Aikman:

“Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us by being our guests at dinner on Thursday evening, December the sixth, at seven o’clock? Sincerely hoping to see you at that time, I remain,

“Cordially yours,
“Louise Brown.”

THE SINGLE MAN

A note of invitation to a single man is written in the same way. If the dinner be given to any particular guest or guests, this fact should be mentioned in the invitation. As, for instance, “Will you dine with us to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows,” and so forth.

Single men who are warmly appreciative of dinner invitations and who foresee no opportunity in the near future to return the hospitality offered to them, frequently send a box of flowers to their hostess on the day of her entertainment.

THE INVITATION TO DINNER

As soon as practicable after the receipt of a dinner invitation, the recipient should write a cordial note. If accepting she should express thanks and the pleasure she (or her husband and she) will take in being present at the time mentioned. As a rule the decision to accept or decline should be as absolute as it is immediate. Only the greatest intimacy and extraordinary circumstances warrant the request that an invitation be held open even for a day. The hostess must make her arrangements and she can not do so until she has heard definitely from all those she has asked.

If a declinature is necessary, let it be in the form of a recognition of the honor conveyed in the invitation, and genuine regret at the impossibility of accepting it. This may be worded somewhat in the following way:

“My dear Mrs. Brown:

“Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely that a previous engagement makes it impossible for us to accept your delightful invitation for December the sixth. We thank you for counting us among those who are so happy as to be your guests on that evening, and only wish that we could be with you.

“Cordially and regretfully yours,
“Jane Aikman.”

DINNER ENGAGEMENTS BINDING

No matter how informal a dinner is to be, if the invitation is once accepted, nothing must be allowed to interfere with one’s attendance unless one is so ill that one’s physician absolutely forbids one leaving the house.

Some wit said that a man’s only excuse for non-attendance at such a function is his death, in which case he should send his obituary notice as an explanation. Certain it is that nothing short of one’s own severe illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should interfere with one’s attendance at a dinner. Should such a contingency arise, a telegram or telephone message should be sent immediately that the hostess may try to engage another guest to take the place of the one who is unavoidably prevented from being present.

When it becomes necessary to ask a guest to fill such a vacancy, the hostess will do best to explain the situation frankly, while the guest on his part need feel no slight at the lateness of his invitation. A clever woman always has several persons on whom she can rely for such emergencies and whose good nature she does not fail to reward.

THE LUNCHEON

All the rules that apply to the sending and receiving of invitations to a dinner prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is next in importance as a function, and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting that one should attend it must be promptly despatched.

In planning any social affair the hostess should think twice about asking together people who have for a long time lived in the same neighborhood or who are old residents of the city in any part but who are not apparently in the habit of seeing one another. Sometimes it is safer to ask one’s prospective guests outright if it will be agreeable for them to meet.

Before closing this chapter we should like to remind the possible guest that an invitation is intended as an honor. The function to which one is asked may be all that is most boring, and the flesh and spirit may shrink from attending it. But if one declines what is meant as a compliment, let one do so in a manner that shows one appreciates the honor intended. To decline as if the person extending the invitation were a bit presumptuous in giving it, or to accept in a condescending manner, is a lapse that shows a common strain under a recently-acquired polish. A thoroughbred accepts and declines all invitations as though he were honored by the attention. In doing so he shows himself worthy to receive any compliment that may under any circumstances be extended to him. Would that more of the strugglers up Society’s ladders would appreciate this truth!

If a woman wishes to give any other special form of entertainment than a dance, she writes the suitable word, “Music,” “Bridge,” “Garden-party,” etc., in place of the word “Dancing.”

For a dinner dance one sends a note or an engraved card with “Dancing at ten” or “Cotillion at eleven” in the corner, to the comparatively small number asked to dine. The guests asked for the dance receive only an “At Home” card, with the announcement “Dancing at ten” in the corner.

THE TEA-DANCE

The tea-dance or thé-dansant has recently been revived. This calls for an “At Home” card and the word “Dancing” in the corner. It is merely an ordinary afternoon tea at which space and music are provided for the young people to whirl about.

Some people who entertain formally a great deal keep on hand a supply of large engraved cards with a space left blank in which the name of the guest is written. This is certainly a time-saving custom, but the appearance of such a card is less elegant than one wholly engraved, while on the other hand it lacks the real cordiality of the written note. Aiming at a combined effect, it hardly achieves either of the things desired.

A minor but amusing blunder sometimes made by thoughtless persons consists in inviting guests “for” dinner. The ducks and salad, ices and cakes are for dinner; the guests should be asked to it.

A woman may take an out-of-town visitor to any large affair without obtaining permission beforehand, but she will of course, in speaking to her hostess, express appreciation of the pleasant opportunity thus afforded to her guest.

CARDS AFTER A DEATH

After a death has taken place, one will not for a month or six weeks intrude on the seclusion of the family by sending any social invitations. After that time, however, they should be sent as usual. It is the personal privilege of the bereaved to determine how soon and to what extent they will resume their relations with society. If one is in mourning one can not of course with propriety become a member of any gay company, but nowadays mourning is not always assumed even by the most grievously stricken. If such persons find their burden more easily borne by the resumption, as far as may be, of their normal activities, it is the part of kindness to aid them in making this resumption as easy and natural as possible.

It is now considered correct to send all invitations by mail, though in some southern places the more elegant—if difficult—method of delivering them by the hand of a servant is still cherished. Many informal invitations are now extended by telephone.

HOW INVITATIONS BEGIN

Dinner and wedding invitations and cards for evening receptions are issued in the names of both host and hostess. For a ball or a garden-party the name of the hostess may appear alone, though this is not usual. A young girl should never announce any but the smallest and most informal parties in her own name. Yet many young girls do so, ignoring their mothers and contributing unwittingly to our national reputation for bad manners.

A bishop and his wife, if they are issuing cards to a large reception, often do it in this way: “The Bishop of Indiana and Mrs. Hereford request the honor,” etc.

An invitation should never begin “You are cordially invited,” etc. It should always be issued in the name of some person or persons. “The Men’s Club invites you” or “The Diocesan Society requests the honor of” is good form.

CHAPTER II
CARDS AND CALLS

THE styles of calling-cards change from year to year, even from season to season, so that it is impossible to make hard-and-fast rules as to the size and thickness of the bits of pasteboard, or the script with which they are engraved. Any good stationer can give one the desired information on these points.

In choosing a card plate it is well to select a style of script so simple yet elegant that it will not be outré several seasons hence, unless one’s purse will allow one to revise one’s plate with each change of fashion. It should not be necessary to remark that a printed card is an atrocity. Even a man’s business-card should be engraved, not printed.

It is no longer considered proper for one card to bear the husband’s and wife’s names together, as was a few years ago the mode, thus,—“Mr. and Mrs. Charles Sprague.” Still, some persons have a few cards thus marked and use them in sending gifts from husband and wife. As a rule, however, the husband’s card is enclosed in an envelope with that of his wife in sending gifts, regrets and the like.

THE CARD OF A MATRON

The card of a matron bears her husband’s full name unless she is a divorcée, thus,—“Mrs. George Williams Brown.” Even widows retain this style of address. In the lower right-hand corner is the address, and in the lower left-hand corner one’s “at home” days are named, as “Tuesdays until Lent,” or “Wednesdays in February and March,” or “Thursdays until May.”

Nicknames and abbreviations are for intimate use only and should never appear on cards or invitations. A girl should distinguish between “Kitty” and “Katharine,” “Sarah” and “Sallie.” However, in the south many girls are christened “Sallie,” and this is accepted as her full and proper name accordingly.

A young woman’s cards bear her name, “Miss Blank,” if she be the oldest or only daughter in the family. The address on her cards is in the lower left-hand corner. If she has an older sister the card reads “Miss Mary Hilton Blank.”

A man’s card is much smaller than that of a woman and often has no address on it, unless it be a business-card, which must never be used for social purposes. The “Mr.” is put before the signature as, “Mr. James John Smith.” By the time a boy is eighteen he is considered old enough to have his cards marked with the prefix “Mr.” Until that time, he is, on the rare occasions when he is formally addressed, “Master.”

THE USE OF TITLES

A clergyman’s card is correctly engraved thus: “The Reverend James Vernon Smith.” A bishop is entitled to the greater distinction, “The Right Reverend.” A physician or a judge may use his title or not as he prefers. Army and navy officers invariably employ theirs except when the rank is as low as that of a lieutenant, when the full name, prefixed by “Mr.” is used, and below it, “Lieutenant of Third Cavalry, United States Army.”

A woman with a daughter-in-law moving in society in the same city as herself may with propriety have her card engraved simply “Mrs. Brown.” Or she may follow the graceful foreign custom and be known as “Madame Brown,” which gives a pretty touch of dignity and makes it easy for callers to designate which of the two ladies they wish to see if both are living in the same house.

A married woman never takes her husband’s title, no matter what that may be. She is never “Mrs. Judge ——” or “Mrs. Colonel ——.” Even the president’s wife is simply “Mrs. Cleveland” or “Mrs. Harrison.”

ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT

In direct address, the president of the United States is “Mr. President.” The vice-president is “Mr. ——.” Members of the cabinet are “Secretary A.” or “Secretary B.,” when introduced, and are addressed as “Mr. Secretary.” Senators are always addressed by their titles, but representatives are “Mr.” Except in naval and military circles titles expire with office. The man who was governor or mayor last year should not be introduced as “Ex-governor ——,” “Ex-mayor ——.”

Perhaps there is no social obligation that is more neglected and ignored than that of calling at proper times and regular intervals. In the rush and hurry of American life, it is well-nigh impossible for the busy woman to perform her duty in this line unless she have a certain degree of system about it. To this end she should keep a regular calling-list or book, and pay strict heed to the debit and credit columns. It will require much management and thought to arrange her visits so that they will always fall on the “At Home” days of her acquaintances. When a woman has an “At Home” day it is an unwarrantable liberty for any one to call at any other time unless it be on business, or by special invitation, or permission. As many women have the same day at home one must limit the length of a call to fifteen or twenty minutes upon a casual acquaintance, never making it longer than half an hour even at the house of a friend.

HOW TO SAY GOOD-BY

One should learn to take one’s departure on a remark of one’s own, not hurrying away the moment one’s friend ceases to talk. On the other hand lingering good-bys in ordinary intercourse are a mistake and suggest that one lacks the finesse necessary to manage a polite withdrawal. An amusing story was told in a recent magazine—and vouched for as true—in which two young southern lads making their first formal call, were driven to stay all night because they could not get away—they were so timid.

Some persons seem to feel that there is a certain amount of pomp and circumstance about calling on an “At Home” day, and the novice in society asks timidly what she is to do at such a time. She is to do simply what she would do on any other day when she is sure of finding her hostess in and disengaged. The caller hands her card to the servant opening the door; then enters the parlor, greets her hostess, who will probably introduce her to any other guests who happen to be present, unless there be a large number of these, in which case she will probably be introduced to a few in her immediate vicinity. The caller will chat for a few minutes, take a cup of tea, coffee or chocolate offered her, with a biscuit, sandwich or piece of cake, or decline all refreshment if she prefers. At the end of fifteen or twenty minutes, she will rise, say “Good afternoon” to her hostess, murmur a “Good afternoon” to the company in general and take her departure. If her card has not been taken by the servant who opened the door for her, the caller may lay it on the hall table as she goes out.

REFRESHMENTS FOR CALLERS

When a woman is at home one day a week for several months, she is expected to make very little preparation in the way of refreshment for her chance guests. The tea tray is ready on the tea-table at one side of the room, and upon it are cups and saucers, teapot, canister and hot-water kettle. A plate of thin bread and butter, or sandwiches, or biscuits, and another of sweet wafers or fancy cakes, stand on this table. Sugar and cream and sliced lemon complete the outfit. The kettle is kept boiling that fresh tea may be made when required, and a servant enters when needed to take out the used cups. If there are many callers, the services of this maid may be required to assist in passing cups, and sugar and cream. Otherwise the hostess may attend to such matters herself, chatting pleasantly as she does so. It is not incumbent on a caller to take anything to eat or drink unless she wishes to do this. When one attends half-a-dozen such “At Homes” in an afternoon one would have to carry a bag like that worn by Jack the Giant-Killer of fairy lore, if one were to accept refreshments at each house. The hostess should, therefore, never insist that a guest eat and drink if she has declined to do so.

HOW MANY CARDS TO LEAVE

In calling on a married woman a matron leaves one of her own cards and two of her husband’s. Her card is for the hostess, one of her husband’s is for the hostess and the other for the man of the house. If there be several ladies in the family, as for instance, a mother and two daughters, the caller leaves one of her own and one of her husband’s cards for each woman, and an extra card from her husband for each man of the household.

This is the general rule, but it must have some exceptions. For instance, in a household where there are five or six women it is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of visiting-cards. In this case a woman leaves her card for “the ladies,” and leaves it with her husband’s, also for “the ladies.” One of his cards is also left for the man of the family. Or if there be several men it may be left simply for “the gentlemen.”

If one knows that there is a guest staying at a house at which one calls, one must send in one’s card for this guest. Or, if one have a friend staying in the same town with one, and one calls on her, it is a breach of good breeding not to inquire for the friend’s hostess and leave a card for her whether she appear or not.

When an engagement is made known the members of the man’s family should immediately call on his fiancée and her family, and a formal dinner should be given for them within two weeks.

THE BLACK-EDGED CARD

Custom clings to the black-edged card for those in mourning. It has its uses and surely its abuses. For those in deep mourning it is a convenience to send in the form of regrets, as the black edge gives sufficient reason in itself for the non-acceptance of invitations. It may also be sent with gifts to friends. If one uses it as a calling-card the border should be very narrow. If one is in such deep mourning that one’s card must appear with a half-inch of black around it, one is certainly in too deep mourning to pay calls. Until the black edge can be reduced to the less ostentatious eighth-of-an-inch width, the owner would do well to shun society.

Nor should a black-edged card accompany an invitation to a social function. Several seasons ago a matron introduced to society in a large city a niece who had, eighteen months before, lost a brother. With the hostess’ invitations to the reception was enclosed the card of the young guest, and this card had a black border an eighth of an inch wide. The recipients of the invitations were to be pardoned if they wondered a bit at the incongruity of a person in mourning receiving at a large party. Under the circumstances she should have declined to have the social function given in her honor, or should have laid aside her insignia of dolor.

If, then, one has reached the point where one is ready to reenter society, let one give up the mourning-cards and again use plain white bits of pasteboard.

CALLING AFTER A DEATH

In calling at a house after a bereavement, it is well, except when the afflicted one is an intimate friend, to leave the card with a message of sympathy at the door. One may, if one wishes, leave flowers with the card. A fortnight after the funeral one may call and ask to see the ladies of the family, adding that if they do not feel like seeing callers they will please not think of coming down. Under such circumstances only a supersensitive person will be hurt by receiving the message that the ladies beg to be excused, and that they are grateful for the kind thought that prompted the call.

The rule that we have just given applies to the household in which there is serious illness. A call may consist of an inquiry at the door, and leaving a card. This may be accompanied by some such message as, “Please express my sincere hope that Mrs. Smith will soon be better, and assure Mr. Smith that if I can be of any service to him, or Mrs. Smith, I shall be grateful if he will let me know.”

MAKING PARTY CALLS

One should always return a first call within three weeks after it has been made. After a dinner, luncheon or card-party, a call must be made within a fortnight. An afternoon tea requires no “party call.” After a large reception one may call within the month. After a wedding reception one must call within a fortnight on the mother of the bride, and on the bride on her “At Home” day as soon as possible after her return from the wedding trip. If one is in doubt as to the propriety of calling after an invitation, it is better to err on the side of making the call. One’s courteous intention will surely be appreciated while not to call may seem an unpardonable omission.

In the case of an invitation extended without a first call having been made, women sometimes express doubt as to the course they should pursue. In the first place they will do well to realize that some of the people who entertain most delightfully are extremely busy people to whom the rigid routine of formal etiquette would be an intolerable burden. A clever woman is known by nothing more certainly than by the unerring instinct with which she relaxes her demands in such instances. If the woman who wishes to entertain encloses her own card this may be accepted as a substitute for the usual first call. The social value of one dinner invitation transcends many calls. Even if the visiting-card is not enclosed the recipient of the invitation will—if she be a sensible woman—accept if she really wishes to do so. At this point, however, social usage should begin to assert itself and the invited one should not fail to make the customary call of appreciation after the “party.” If one does not wish to make the acquaintance offered a formal note of declination will serve to discourage further intrusion.

EXCEPTIONS TO SOCIAL RULES

A rather surprising question sometimes asked is whether one should call after a dinner or dance invitation that has been declined. Certainly, the call should be made. One has been honored by one’s friends and the fact that one was prevented by circumstances from actually enjoying their hospitality makes no difference whatever with one’s responsibility for expressing appreciation.

A card with a message written on it fills many convenient social needs but it should never be used to take the place of a formal note. So employed it suggests haste and a degree of indifference that are contrary to the best breeding. The corners of cards are no longer turned down for any purpose.

If one, on calling, is told by the servant opening the door that “Mrs. Brown is not at home,” this does not mean literally that Mrs. Brown is of necessity out of the house, neither does it mean that the servant has been instructed to tell an untruth. “Not at home” is an accepted abbreviation for “Not at home to visitors.” There are those to whom the phrase will, however, always have a disagreeable ring, and if Mrs. Brown have more tact and originality than the conventions demand she will probably direct her maid to say instead, “Mrs. Brown is not receiving to-day. She receives on Mondays.”

WHO SHOULD CALL FIRST

Who calls first? The custom of residents calling on the newcomer is so firmly established in almost all communities that one may wonder at the question being asked. Yet in Washington—that is to say, in official Washington, this custom is reversed, and it is the newcomer who calls at the White House, on the vice-president, members of the cabinet, etc. In the case of the highest officials a return call is not expected but the courtesy is recognized by an invitation to some general reception.

CUSTOM IN SMALL TOWNS

The hours for calling vary according to the community one is in—though no afternoon call should be made before three o’clock. In small towns and villages where supper is eaten at six o’clock, one should not prolong a call after five-thirty. Evening calls in most American cities are usually made at eight o’clock or soon after, though in large eastern places where dinner is not served until seven, seven-thirty or eight, the nine o’clock call is not unusual.

Calls on the sick should be made with the greatest discretion. One should ascertain in the first place whether or not one’s friend will really be equal to seeing one, and then stay for a few moments only. Sick-bed visits especially should not be allowed to become visitations. Many a person with a chance for recovery has literally been talked into his grave by well-meaning callers. Intelligent nurses will quietly ask such people to remain away.

CHAPTER III
LETTER-WRITING

THE writing of letters, of the good old-fashioned kind, is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. People used to write epistles. Now they write notes. Before the days of the stenographer, the typewriter, the telegraph and telephone, when people made their own clothes by hand, wove their own sheets and had no time-saving machines, they found leisure to write epistles to their friends. Some of us are so fortunate as to have stowed away in an old trunk a bundle of these productions. The ink is pale and the paper yellowed, but the matter is still interesting. All the news of the family, the neighborhood gossip, the latest sayings and doings of the children and of callers, an account of the books read, of the minister’s last sermon and of the arrival of the newest of many olive branches, filled pages. What must these same pages have meant to the exile from home! And how much there was in such letters to answer!

Still, even in this day and generation, there are a few people who have so far held to the good old traditions that they write genuine letters. And—wonder of wonders!—they answer questions asked them in letters written by their correspondents. Only those who have written questions to which they desired prompt answers, appreciate how maddening it is to receive a letter that tells you everything except the answers to your queries. And this ignoring of the epistle one is supposed to be answering is a feature of the up-to-date letter-writer. There is, even in friendly correspondence, a right and a wrong way of doing a thing.

HOW NOT TO WRITE

The wrong, and well-nigh universal, way of treating a letter is as follows: It is read as rapidly as possible, pigeonholed and forgot. Weeks hence, in clearing out the desk it is found, the handwriting recognized, and it is laid aside to be answered later. When that “later” comes depends on the leisure of the owner. At last a so-called answer is hastily written without a second reading of the letter to which one is replying. Such a reply begins with an apology for a long and unavoidable silence, an account of how cruelly busy one is nowadays, a passing mention of the number of duties one has to perform, a wish that the two correspondents may meet in the near future and a rushing final sentence of affection followed by the signature. Such is the modern letter.

If a correspondent is worth having, she is worth treating fairly. Let her letter be read carefully, and laid aside until such time as one can have a half-hour of uninterrupted writing. Then, let the letter one would answer be read, and the questions it contains be answered in order, and first of all. This is common courtesy. After which one may write as much as time and inclination permit. If one has not the time to conduct one’s correspondence in this way, let one have fewer correspondents. It is more fair to them and to one’s self.

THE GOOD-LOOKING NOTE

Colored letter-paper is in bad form unless the color be a pale gray or a light blue. From time to time, stationers have put upon the market paper outré in design and coloring, and the persons who have used it were just what might be expected. It reminds one of what Richard Grant White said of the words “gents” and “pants”—he noticed “that the one generally wore the other.” So, paper that is such bad form as this is usually used by persons who are “bad form.” All good-looking notes have a considerable margin at the left hand; punctilious people insist on a right-hand margin also.

SEALING THE ENVELOPE

Plain white or cream paper of good quality is always in fashion. For social correspondence this paper must be so cut that it is folded but once to be slipped into an envelope. At the top of the page in the middle may be the address, as “123 West Barrows Street,” and the name of the city. Just now, this is the only marking that is used on the sheet, although some persons have the initials or monogram, or crest, in place of the address. It is no longer fashionable to have the crest or monogram and the address also. The envelope is marked or not, as one chooses. The use of sealing-wax gives a touch of distinction for which a few persons still take time. Only white or delicately colored wax is acceptable, unless at holiday time, when the festive touch given by scarlet is in season.

Letter-heads, such as are used for business correspondence, should never be used for social purposes. Even the business man may keep in his office desk a quire or two of plain paper upon which to write society notes and replies to invitations. Nor is it permissible for him to use the typewriter in inditing these. All his business correspondence may be conducted with the aid of the invaluable machine, and he may, if he ask permission to do so, send letters to members of his own family on the typewriter. But all other correspondence should be done with pen and ink.

Unfortunately, mourning stationery is still in vogue. The recipient of a black-edged letter is often conscious of a distinct shock when she first sees the emblem of dolor, and wonders if it contains the notice of a death. For this reason many considerate followers of conventionalities do not use the black-edged stationery, but content themselves with plain white paper marked with the address or monogram in black lettering.

A social or friendly letter is frequently dated at the end, at the left-hand lower corner of the signature. A business communication is dated at the upper right-hand corner.

ADDRESSING BUSINESS FIRMS

The expression “My dear Mr. Blank” is more formal than is “Dear Mr. Blank,” and is, therefore, used in society notes. Do not—as some have done—begin “dear” with a capital. Unsophisticated persons sometimes hesitate to use the prefix “dear,”—they may be assured that in this connection it is merely a polite form, with no sentimental flavor whatever. Business letters addressed to a man should begin with the name of the person to whom they are intended on one line, the salutation on the next, as: “Mr. John Smith” on the upper line, and below this, “Dear Sir.” In addressing a firm consisting of more than one person, write the name of the firm, as “Smith, Jones and Company,” then below, “Dear Sirs.” The salutation “Gentlemen” in such a case is old-fashioned but is preferred by some ceremonious persons who also like to put “Esq.” after a man’s name on an envelope in place of putting “Mr.” before it.

THE SIGNATURE

It should be unnecessary to remind women not to preface their signatures with the title “Mrs.” or “Miss.” Such a mistake stamps one as a vulgarian or an ignoramus. The name in full may be signed, as: “Mary Bacon Smith.” If the writer be a married woman, and the person to whom she writes does not know whether she be married or single, she should write her husband’s name with the preface “Mrs.” below her signature, or in the lower left-hand corner of the sheet, as (“Mrs. James Hayes Smith”). An unmarried woman will save her correspondent embarrassment by putting “Miss Brown” in parentheses in this corner.

To sign one’s name prefaced by the first letter is no longer considered good form. “J. Henry Wells” should be “John Henry Wells.” If one would use one initial letter instead of the full name, let that letter be the middle initial, as “John H. Wells,” or “J. H. Wells.”

THE POSTAL CARD

I wish I could impress on all followers of good form that a postal card is a solecism except when used for business purposes. If it is an absolute necessity to send one to a friend or a member of one’s family, as, when stopping for a moment at a railroad station one wishes to send a line home telling of one’s safety at the present stage of the journey, the sentences should be short and to the point, and unprefaced by an affectionate salutation. All love-messages should be omitted, as should the intimate termination that is entirely proper in a sealed letter. “Affectionately” or “Lovingly” are out of place when written upon a postal card. Expressions such as “God bless you!” or “I love you,” or “Love to the dear ones,” are in shockingly bad taste except under cover of an envelope. A good rule to impress on those having a penchant for the prevalent post-card is as follows: “Use for business when brevity and simplicity are the order of the day; never use for friendly correspondence unless the purchase of a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp is an impossibility.”

The friendly letter may be as long as time and inclination permit. The business communication should be written in as few and clear sentences as possible. Some one has said that to write a model business letter one should “begin in the middle of it.” In other words, it should be unprefaced by any unnecessary sentences, but should begin immediately on the business in hand, continue and finish with it. For such letters “Very truly yours” is the correct ending, unless, as in the case of a man or firm addressing a letter to a person totally unknown to the writer, and of marked eminence, when the expression “Respectfully yours” may be used.

LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE

Many people consider letters of congratulation and condolence the most difficult to write. This is because one feels that a certain kind of form is necessary and that conventional and stilted phrases are proper under the circumstances. This is a mistake, for, going on the almost unfailing principle that what comes from the heart, goes to the heart, the best form to be used toward those in sorrow or joy is a genuine expression of feeling. If you are sorry for a friend, write to her that you are, and that you are thinking of her and longing to help her. If you are happy in her happiness, say so as cordially as words can express it.

It happens now and then that even the quietest person wishes to write to a man of political prominence. Such persons, whether they be diplomats or members of Congress, may properly be addressed as “Honorable Mr. ——.” The president is “The Honorable, the President of the United States.” To use the article before the title is more elegant. Bishops of any church are entitled to the prefix, “The Right Reverend.” In conversation, the rector of a “high” Episcopal church is often affectionately addressed as “Father ——,” but this form of greeting would not be used on an envelope. The dean of a cathedral should be addressed as “The Very Reverend ——.”

Very small paper and envelopes for society notes are less used than formerly, many persons preferring what are called correspondence cards, heavy cream-white single cards on which a few lines may be written and which are slipped into their envelopes without folding.

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION

Letters of introduction should bear on the outside of the envelope, in the lower left-hand corner the words, “Introducing Miss ——,” in order that the two thus brought together may be saved any momentary embarrassment. They should not be sealed. One should be very careful not to give these letters unless one is reasonably warranted in making a demand on the time and courtesy of the person on whom one is making the social draft. To give one’s card by way of introduction makes less of a demand on one’s friend than does a letter. A woman does not present a letter of introduction in person; a man does.

When one avails one’s self of a member of one’s family or a friend as messenger, one should write on the envelope in the lower left-hand corner, “Kindness of Mary” or “Politeness of Miss Briggs.”

ENCLOSING A STAMP

We can not close this chapter on letter-writing without a word to the person who writes a letter asking a question on his own business, and fails to enclose a stamp. This is equivalent to asking the recipient on whom one has no claim to give one the time required for writing an answer to one’s query, and a two-cent stamp as well. When the matter on which one writes is essentially one’s own business, and not that of the person to whom one writes and from whom one demands a reply, one should always enclose a stamp, thus making the favor one asks of the least possible trouble to one’s correspondent. Some people enclose a stamped and self-addressed envelope but as the other person’s paper may not fit the envelope, the well-meant courtesy often defeats itself.

PROMPTNESS IN ANSWERING

In all business and society correspondence a letter should be answered as soon as possible after it is received. One may afford to take a certain amount of liberty with one’s friends, and lay aside a letter for some days before answering it. But the acceptance or declinature of an invitation, and the answer to a business communication, should be sent with as little delay as possible.

CHAPTER IV
INTRODUCTIONS

THIS matter of introductions is one rather too lightly considered on our free American soil. Unless the social exigencies are such as to make the atmosphere formal and unpleasant if people are unknown to each other, it is taking a liberty to present a man to a woman without first and privately asking her permission. It is a woman’s privilege to decline or to accept masculine acquaintance as she chooses. If she grants permission for the introduction, the person who has asked such permission brings the man in question to her and says: “Miss A., may I have the pleasure of presenting Mr. B. to you?” We have all been witnesses at some time or other of that most unconventional performance where the woman in the case allows herself to be dragged across the floor to the man concerned. We have all, on occasion, heard the proper form so twisted as to make the woman the person presented instead of the man. This is the worst sort of no-form. The social convention prescribes that the man shall take the initiative in requesting the introduction, that he shall seek the lady, that he shall be the person presented.

INTRODUCING ONE’S HUSBAND

An American woman in presenting her husband will usually say, “My husband, Mr. Smith.” An English woman would be more formal. She would say simply, “Mr. Smith.” When a man is presented to a woman, if she is seated she need not rise but may merely bow. In case the man is distinguished or elderly or if he be a warm friend of her husband, or her guest, she will rise and shake hands.

Never awkwardly drag a newcomer around to every person in a large circle. Introduce him to several of those nearest and later such further introductions as are desirable will naturally follow. When the group includes a half-dozen only, it is necessary to introduce all round. In this case the ceremony may be gracefully shortened by repeating two or three names together, thus: “Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Smith, may I present Mr. James?”

Never introduce your sister or your daughter, if she be grown, merely as such. The other person will be confused, not knowing whether the one introduced is married or single, and hence in doubt as to what name to use.

CLERICAL INTRODUCTIONS

At a reception given to an archbishop of the Roman Catholic church, it is customary for devout Catholics to kiss the ring but Protestants may merely shake hands. A cardinal ranks as a prince of the Roman Catholic church and is addressed as “His Eminence.” Women as well as men are presented to him, not he to them. A woman is also presented to a bishop.

When two women of about equal age and importance are to be introduced merely mention the two names, thus: “Mrs. A., Mrs. B.” The general rule in all introductions is to present the woman to the man, the young man or young woman to the elderly, the unmarried woman to the matron, when of about the same age. One may say “May I present” or with two men of near the same age, “I want you to know.” Never say, “Let me make you acquainted with.” That is provincial.

ADDRESSING THE QUEEN

The American who goes abroad expecting to be presented at court must, of course, acquaint himself with the etiquette of that court. He will receive such advice as he needs from his ambassador but it may be useful for him to know ahead of time some of the things that are required of him, or more precisely of her, for court presentations are much more coveted and sought after by American women than by men. However, it is understood that a man whose wife has been presented is himself eligible to attend the king’s next reception for gentlemen only. The English queen is addressed simply as “Ma’am” by all Americans who have the honor of presentation. King George would be addressed as “Sir.” The Prince of Wales is “Prince” and his wife “Princess.” The phrase “Your Majesty” is reserved for use by the lower English classes. An American, by virtue of his having no rank at all, takes rank with the highest when he is introduced at court. A duke is addressed simply as “Duke,” and a marquis by his title, “Lord ——.” The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls must be given their Christian names, as “Lady Mary Towers.” The sons should be addressed as “Lord John Towers,” “Lord Henry Towers.” An archbishop is properly addressed as “Your Grace” or “My Lord,” but his wife is plain “Mrs. ——.” Members of foreign royal families have the title of “Prince” and “Princess.”

A baron visiting in this country would be presented to the American ladies he meets quite like any other gentleman, and his wife would not take precedence of them unless she happened to be elderly.

When in a friend’s house one should bear in mind that introductions are the natural prerogative of the host and the hostess. One should not, however, allow an awkward situation to develop from a too rigid observance of this rule.

PROFESSIONAL MEN

Remember that many professional men do not like to be called “Professor” because of the cheap ways in which this title has in recent years been used. By a little tact in individual instances one can learn which is preferred—“Professor,” or “Mr.,” or “Doctor,” if the person in question be entitled to that distinction.

In making introductions a clever man or woman often adds a word of comment that will help the two meeting to start their acquaintance on a friendly and intelligent basis.

CHAPTER V
AFTER SIX O’CLOCK

FOR most of us the active business of the day is over at sundown. Mothers of large families, physicians and occasionally other workers are employed over time; but most of us can count on leisure after six o’clock. Much of our happiness depends upon how this leisure is employed. That it should afford recreation of one sort or another is a commonly accepted opinion, though one that is accepted usually without appreciation of the obligations involved. Recreation implies something more than idleness. One can not be amused in any worth-while sense without sitting up and paying attention. Foreigners complain habitually that Americans take their pleasure sadly, that they do not go in for gaiety with spirit. We are much more vital in our attitude toward work than toward play. We know that we must pay for success in labor of any sort, but the debt we owe to amusement is a point not yet so widely grasped. Pleasure is shy of the person who makes only occasional advances to her. She must be courted habitually in order to give a full return. We are all acquainted with the dull unhappy appearance of the sedulous man of business off for a rare holiday. He is out of his element. He knows how to behave himself at work but he is not acquainted with the fundamental principles of having a good time. These can not be learned in a minute. One must have practise in enjoyment in order to carry off the matter easily; and this practise should be a habit of every-day life. Many people who stand shyly off from the delights of the world and wonder why they are deprived of them, fail to realize that diversion of any sort worthy the name, is a thing for which one must make some effort.

HOME FESTIVITY

It is at home that one should cultivate the graces that make one attractive abroad; and this is only preliminary to saying that planning for the every-day recreation of a household should be as much a matter of course as devising ways and means for the purchase of food and clothing.

The first requisite for bringing about an atmosphere of festivity and good cheer at home is to adopt in some degree the methods that one uses away from home. If one is invited out to dinner, one makes some preparation for it, and so one should do for dinner at home. Externals have much to do with coaxing gaiety to live as a guest in the house. A pretty table and food managed with some regard to esthetic values as well as to the palatable quality, have a happy effect upon the mind and temper of the diners. A few flowers properly distributed assist still further. If all the inmates of a house are in the habit, as they should be, of making some change in their toilet for dinner, this of itself makes a sharp line of demarcation between the work-time and the play-time of the twenty-four hours. The hint of festivity in attire induces a happy and a festive frame of mind, imparts just that touch of difference from the habit of prosaic daylight necessary to send the mind sailing off into pleasant channels.

THE HOME DINNER

The care for the dinner-table, for the personal appearance and, generally speaking, for pretty environment implies effort. Lazy people can not hope for these delightful effects of a material kind. Neither can they expect the happiness which comes to those who take some pains at home for the mental entertainment of themselves and their household. There are many people who regard it as deceitful and insincere to forecast what one shall talk about and it is quite true that formally planned talk is a foe to spontaneity and naturalness. But usually the man or woman who entertains by his conversation is the person who, in a general way, has taken some thought about what he shall say. Given the opportunity, conversation, charming in its spontaneity, rises out of the mental habit of noting down for future reference pleasant or odd personal experiences, good stories, the quirks in one’s own mind. One must not intrude these in a place where they do not fit, but it is not in the least a social sin to guide the talk toward your own thought provided you do not thereby push out something better. We are all given tongues and with them a certain conversational responsibility. If each member of the family made it his business and his pleasure during the day to remember the best part of his experience that he might relate it at the dinner-hour some part of that gloom which descends upon so many American families at the evening meal would be dissipated.

THE TIME FOR PLAY

If one cultivates the prettier touches of personal appearance for that part of the day after six o’clock, whether at home or abroad, one should also cultivate the pleasanter and more agreeable states of mind. Business should be put behind one. The petty cares of the day should go unmentioned. The ills of body and mind should be, as far as possible, forgot. Those little courtesies and formalities of manner that we admire in the practised man or woman of society are as decorative at home as away and equally creative of a festive atmosphere. In one of the magazines of the last decade there is a homely effective story of a young girl, just home from a house-party and full of its gaiety, to whom the idea occurred that the methods employed by her hostess might make a delightful week in her own large family circle. She took the matter in hand, and invited her mother to be the guest of honor for the seven days. Some entertainment was planned for each evening in the week, sometimes with visitors and sometimes not. The women of the family wore their best frocks frequently during the week. The prettiest china and the best silver were used as freely as if for company. The result of it all was that the family voted visiting at home a signal success.

GAMES AS A PASTIME

There are many specific ways of providing amusement for evenings at home. One has space only for the mention of a few of these in a short article on the subject. Games of various kinds are an excellent resource for making the after-dinner time pass pleasantly. They cultivate quickness of decision, sociability, a friendly rivalry. Success in games is partly a matter of chance but much more of attention and skill. Many people sniff at them who are too lazy to make the conquest of their methods.

Charades, of which English people never grow tired, as a means of diversion, have their ups and downs in the more quickly changing fashions of America. They provide one of the easiest and merriest means of entertainment. They may be of any degree of simplicity or elaboration, and they call forth as much or as little ingenuity as is possessed by the actors in any given case. They are usually popular because almost everybody has latent a little talent for the actor’s art at which he is willing to try his luck. Many people who are afraid to join in formal theatricals find an outlet for this taste in charades; and so informal usually is this kind of entertainment that the spectators enjoy the acting whether well done or otherwise. It is enough to see one’s friends and acquaintances struggling with a part. If well done, one enjoys the success; if not, one applauds the absurdity of the conception.

READING ALOUD

Reading aloud to a congenial home party has much to be said in its favor, in spite of its present reputation as a stupid means of passing an evening. “The world may be divided into two classes,” runs an old and favorably known joke, “those who like reading aloud and those who do not. Those who like it are those who do the reading; those who dislike it are those who do the listening.” The half-truth in this witticism must not be accepted for more than it is worth. As an occasional means of passing an evening, reading aloud is diverting and stimulating. The habit of spending one’s evenings in that way is not an encouragement to variety and liveliness of mind. One gets into the way of depending upon the author in hand for entertainment instead of depending upon the action of one’s own mind. Small doses of reading aloud are good. Continual doses are fatal to a proper social ideal.

THE POPULAR HOUSE

The people who make their own houses a center of attraction are, generally speaking, happy people. The house where the evening is accepted as a time of diversion is the popular house. The atmosphere there begets gaiety and naturalness of manner. We have all had the experience of making evening calls where we were compelled to stand in the hall till the gas was lighted in the drawing-room or the electricity turned on, where we must pass a dreary fifteen minutes before the members of the family are ready to receive. This kind of preliminary puts a damper upon the spirits of host and guests from which they do not easily recover. To be ready for pleasant evenings, to meet them half-way by one’s attitude is a good recipe for insuring their arrival.

THE SUNDAY NIGHT SUPPER

A pleasant and informal method of insuring good times in one’s own house is to make a feature of the Sunday night supper. This is not so formal or expensive a mode of entertainment as dinner-giving. It is a jolly and pleasant method. One may have everything in the way of edibles prepared for the meal in the morning except perhaps one article to be made on the chafing-dish. One may serve this meal with or without servants. Often the guests enjoy the freedom implied in helping the hostess carry off successfully the details of serving. The Sunday evening supper is one of those festivities that imply some elasticity in numbers. This is the sort of meal to which the unexpected guest is welcome, at which the person who “happens in” may feel entirely at ease. Where there are young people in the house, the Sunday night supper is an especially popular institution. They appreciate the delights of entertaining without the care or the formality of more elaborate functions.

PRACTISING COURTESY

The ways of enjoying life away from home after six o’clock in the evening, readily suggest themselves. There are the various functions to which one is invited. There is the theater, the most delightful of resources, but unfortunately one which by reason of its expense is available frequently only by the rich. Receptions, dinners, card-parties and the theater all go to make this earth a more agreeable place to those who have the social instinct. But it must never be forgot that the fundamental place for the cultivation of this instinct is at home, which is the practise ground for formal and general society.

CHAPTER VI
FUNCTIONS

THE rules that apply to a dinner hold good at a luncheon, to which function ladies only are usually invited, although when served at twelve o’clock, and called “breakfast,” men are also bidden.

At a luncheon the women leave their coats in the dressing-room, wearing their hats and gloves to the table. The gloves are drawn off as soon as all are seated. Just why women elect to sit through an entire meal in a private house with their hats on is not readily explained and some independent hostesses request that hats be removed. But if they are retained, the gloves also should be worn to the table, not taken off up-stairs, as is often done. When the gloves are long, some women merely pull off the lower part and tuck it into the wrist, an ugly habit.

In giving luncheons, hostesses with beautifully polished tables often prefer to use doilies of linen or lace instead of a cloth. More precise women never serve a meal without using a table-cloth, but from an artistic point of view the shining surface of bare mahogany is charming.

Luncheon guests should remember that their hostess may have engagements for the late afternoon, and not ordinarily prolong their stay after three o’clock—if luncheon has been at one.

FORMAL RECEPTIONS

At an evening reception, the guests ascend to the dressing-rooms, if they wish, or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant be there to take them. When one comes in a carriage with only an opera wrap over a reception gown, it is hardly worth while to mount the stairs. But this must be decided by the arrangements made by the entertainers. Before one enters the drawing-room one deposits one’s cards on the salver on the hall table. If there be a servant announcing guests the new arrival gives his name clearly and distinctly to this functionary, who repeats it in such a tone that those receiving may hear it. The guest enters the parlors at this moment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and after greeting her, speaks with each person receiving with her. He then passes on and mingles with the rest of the company.

An afternoon reception is conducted in the same manner, the only difference being that, at an evening function refreshments are more elaborate than at an afternoon affair, and frequently the guests repair to the dining-room, if this be large. At some day receptions, this is also done, but at a tea refreshments are usually passed in the drawing-rooms. A friend of the hostess usually pours the tea and the chocolate, and other friends are asked to assist. At successful receptions these ladies do not seek their especial friends among the guests, but are rather on the lookout for any who may be strange or timid.

CORRECT AFTERNOON DRESS

Refreshments so elaborate that they will spoil the appetite for dinner are not to be served at afternoon affairs. At the tea proper, only tea, bread and butter and little cakes are offered. If more than this is served the occasion is more properly called a reception. In any case the entertainment given in the afternoon should not take on the elaborate nature of an evening party and only in provincial communities is it allowed to do this. Many women in such places do not properly distinguish between afternoon and evening dress. While a woman may suitably wear before six a gown slightly low in the neck, she should not until after that hour wear one that is lower or whose sleeves do not come to the elbow.

The “high tea” is a sit-down affair, really a very late luncheon. It is said to have originated in Philadelphia and is, as one would expect, a formal stately affair with an elaborate menu. The guests have a delightful time—but do not want any dinner that evening.

HOW TO REVIVE FLOWERS

It is useful to know that when on the afternoon of a reception or dinner flowers intended for decoration arrive from the florist in a wilted condition they may often be revived by plunging the stems in boiling water.

At a very large reception it is not now required that one force one’s self on the attention of the hostess for the sake of taking formal leave. One may instead depart whenever one is ready to do so.

Music at a reception should not be so loud as to make talking difficult. In any but the largest houses a harp stationed in a side room or hall is ample. Foreigners find our babel of voices at such affairs subjects of criticism but often indeed one must shout if one is to be heard. Oliver Wendell Holmes is said to have described the average afternoon tea in four words, thus: “Gibble, gabble, gobble, git.” It can not be denied that they often merit the satire.

THE COMING-OUT PARTY

The “coming-out” party or reception, at which the débutante makes her entrance in the world of society, is conducted as is any other reception, but the débutante stands by her mother and receives with her. Each guest speaks some pleasant word of congratulation on shaking hands with the girl. Her dress should be exquisite, and she should carry flowers. These flowers are usually sent to her. When more are received than she can carry, they are placed about the room. If the coming-out party be in the evening, it is often followed by a dance for the young people.

In sending out invitations for such an affair, the daughter’s card is enclosed with that of the mother, or her name is engraved below that of her mother on the latter’s card.

One may leave such a function as has just been described as soon as one likes, and may take refreshments or not as one wishes. Just before departing the guest says good night to his hosts.

The hour at which one goes to a reception may be at any time between the hours named on the cards issued. One should never go too early, or, if it can be avoided, on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. If the cards read “eight-thirty to eleven o’clock,” any time after nine o’clock will be proper and one will then be pretty sure not to be the first arrival of the company.

A card-party is a function at which one should arrive with reasonable promptness. If the invitations call for eight-thirty, one must try not to be more than ten or fifteen minutes late, as the starting of the game will be thus delayed and the hostess inconvenienced. After the game is ended, refreshments are served, and as soon after that as one pleases one may take one’s departure.

SERENITY AT CARDS

It is surprising how many people, at other times well-bred, quite lose their tempers at bridge or whist. The scent of a prize seems to arouse in them a spirit of vulgarity one would not discredit them with possessing if one met them away from the card table. The only proper attitude in all games is one or serenity and courtesy no matter what unspeakable blunders your partner may commit.

The same rule of promptness applies to a musicale. After greeting the hostess, guests take the seats assigned to them, and chat with those persons near them until the program is begun. During the music not a word should be spoken. If one has no love for music, let consideration for others cause one to be silent. If this is impossible, it is less unkind to send a regret than to attend and by so doing mar others’ enjoyment of a musical feast.

At a ball or large dance, one may arrive when one wishes. The ladies are shown to the dressing-room, then meet their escorts at the head of the stairs and descend to the drawing-rooms or dance-hall. Here the host and hostess greet one, after which one mingles with the company.

FILLING DANCE PROGRAMS

At a formal dance, programs or orders of dance are provided, each man and each woman receiving one as he or she leaves the dressing-room or enters the drawing-room. Upon this card a woman has inscribed the names of the various men who ask for dances. As each man approaches her with the request that he be given a dance, she hands him her card and he writes his name on it, then writes her name on the corresponding blank on his own card. As he returns her program to her the man should say “Thank you!” The woman may bow slightly and smile or repeat the same words.

No woman versed in the ways of polite society will give a dance promised to one man to another, unless the first man be so crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect to come for it. Should a man be guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly apologize and explain his mistake, begging to be taken again into favor. If he be sincere the woman must, by the laws of good breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she believes him to be excusable.

A man invited to a dance will properly pay particular attention to the young ladies of the family whose guest he is, and will not neglect to ask their mother for one number if she be dancing. A convenient phrase covering any doubt as to whether a girl or woman wishes to take active part in the festivities is, “Are you dancing to-night?”

THE HOSTESS AT A DANCE

The hostess at a dance must deny herself all dancing, unless her guests are provided with partners—or, at least, she should not dance during the first part of the evening if other women are unsupplied with partners. At a large ball the hostess frequently has a floor committee of her men friends to see that sets are formed and that partners are provided for comparative strangers. No hirelings will do this so skilfully or with so much tact as will the personal friends of the entertainers.

A young girl may, after a dance, ask to be taken to her chaperon, or to some other friend. She should, soon after the dance given to one man, dismiss him pleasantly, that he may ascertain the whereabouts of his next partner before the beginning of the next dance.

At a small house dance or other informal party the hostess sometimes provides for the proper attendance for the girls going home but it is not often wise to depend on this. A girl, if she is going to the home of an intimate friend, need not have a chaperon, but she should arrange that some one call for her and thus relieve her hostess of what is sometimes a trying responsibility. If the guest be a mature woman she may enjoy absolute independence by taking a cab.

The etiquette governing weddings and wedding receptions will be explained in the chapters on “Weddings.”

THE ENGAGED COUPLE

In our foremothers’ day the publicity of the declared engagement was a thing unknown. Now, the behavior of the affianced pair and what is due to them from society deserve a page of their own.

Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are the newly-married, but the engaged couple presses them hard in this line. To behave well under the trying conditions attendant upon a recently-announced engagement demands tact and unselfishness. It should not be necessary to remind any well-bred girl or man that public exhibitions of affection are vulgar, or that self-absorption, or absorption in each other, is in wretched taste. The girl should act toward her betrothed in company as if he were her brother or any trusted man friend, avoiding all low-voiced or seemingly confidential conversation. The man, while attentive to every want and wish of the woman he loves, must still mingle with others and talk with them, forcing himself, if necessary, to recollect that there are other women in the world besides the one of his choice. The fact that romantic young people and critical older ones are watching the behavior of the newly-engaged pair and commenting mentally thereon, is naturally a source of embarrassment to those most nearly concerned in the matter. But let each remember that people are becoming engaged each hour, that no strange outward transformation has come over them, and that all evidences of the marvelous change which each may feel has transformed life for him or her may be shown when they are in private. If they love each other, their happiness is too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for public view.

It is customary, when an engagement is announced, for the friends of the happy girl to send her flowers, or some dainty betrothal gift. She must acknowledge each of these by a note of thanks and appreciation.

ANNOUNCING ENGAGEMENTS

It is not good form for a girl to announce her own engagement, except to her own family and dear friends. A friend of the family may do this, either at a luncheon or party given for this purpose, or by mentioning it to the persons who will be interested in the pleasant news. When a girl is congratulated, she should smile frankly and say “Thank you!” She should drill herself not to appear uncomfortably embarrassed. The same rule applies to the happy man.

The conventional diamond solitaire ring is not worn until the engagement is announced.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES

The happily married often consider the Great Event of their lives of sufficient interest to the world-at-large to be commemorated by yearly festivities.

Cards for wedding anniversaries bear the names of the married pair, the hours of the reception to be given and the two dates, thus:

June 15, 1880——June 15, 1905.

If the anniversary be the Silver Wedding the script may be in silver; if a Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wedding invitations, engraved or written on paper in close imitation of birch bark, are pretty. At one such affair all decorations were of shavings, and the refreshments were served on wooden plates. The Wooden Wedding is celebrated after an interval of five years. At a Tin Wedding, tinware was used extensively, even the punch being taken from small tin cups and dippers. This wedding marks the flight of ten years of married life.

The reception is usually held in the evening, and husband and wife receive together, and, if refreshments are served at tables, they sit side by side. It is proper to send an anniversary present suitable to the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied by a card bearing the name of the sender, and the word “Congratulations.” It is customary to send such a gift only a day or two before the celebration of the anniversary.

An anniversary reception is just like a reception given at any other time, and rules for conducting such a one apply to this affair. To repeat the wedding ceremony, as is sometimes done, is in bad taste.

CHRISTENING PARTIES

In close sequence to weddings and wedding anniversaries we give a few general directions for the conduct of christening-parties.

As the small infant is supposed to be asleep early in the evening, the christening ceremony should take place in the morning or afternoon. As it is not always convenient for the business men of the family to get off in the daytime on week days, Sunday afternoon is often chosen for such an affair.

Every prayer-book contains a description of the duties of godfathers and godmothers, if one belongs to a church having such. If not, the father holds the child, and the father and mother take upon them the vows of the church to which they belong. After the religious service the little one is passed about among the guests, and is then taken by the nurse to the upper regions, while those assembled in its honor regale the inner man with refreshments provided for the occasion.

The godfather and godmother make a gift to the child—usually some piece of silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a table in the drawing-room with any other presents that the invited guests may bring or send. It is the proper thing for the guests to congratulate the parents on the acquisition to the family and to wish the child health and happiness.

Handsome calling gowns are en règle at a christening.

Refreshments are often served en buffet at home weddings and at receptions but there is always some awkwardness attached to this method. To provide small tables for one’s guests to be seated at is much the better way when it is practicable. You will seem more hospitable and your guest will be more comfortable. The person who eats standing always has a catch-a-train look.

TAKING LEAVE

If obliged for any reason to leave unusually early at any party, go as quietly as possible. No hostess likes to have her entertainment broken off unseasonably.

THE MARGIN OF MANNERS

Never hesitate at any social gathering to speak pleasantly to any one you chance to be thrown with or to respond to any one who speaks to you, even though no introduction has taken place. In England, few formal introductions are made,—as the phrase goes, “the roof is the introduction.” A passing courtesy of this sort commits you to nothing while it has a broad social value. Never indulge in snubs. If you are open to no higher appeal, remember that it pays to be civil all round. James has spoken of “the margin of manners,”—it is a useful asset.

In recent years it has become permissible for the woman who wishes to give a large entertainment to do it at a club-house or in a hotel ballroom hired for the occasion. Frequently the room is made more attractive by the addition of rugs and other furnishings from the home of the hostess. While the hired hall is a convenience, and to the woman living in an apartment a necessity for receptions and dances, it can never take in elegance and the spirit of true hospitality the place of entertaining under one’s roof. When one sees women of wealth and leisure resort to it—“Because it saves bother, you know”—one feels that these women must regard the events of social life as disagreeable duties rather than delightful opportunities.

With us “Bonnets before six but not after” is the rule, and this is also the custom in England. But at formal receptions in the evening in France the hat is retained. The combination of picture-hat and low-cut gown is particularly attractive and one wishes that American women would occasionally, at least, copy it.

HAVE PLENTY OF CHAIRS

If you give a musicale be sure you provide plenty of chairs. To do this one must, unfortunately, rent folding chairs and these always have a slight funereal aspect. But that is better than compelling people to stand. One wonders why women of large means, who entertain on a corresponding scale, do not buy several dozen of these chairs and stain them dark. A woman who spoke of a certain house as hospitable in appearance, being asked what she meant, answered, “There are so many places in it to sit.”

A woman who is not willing to take the trouble to be a hostess should not ask people to her house. In order to make even a simple entertainment a success it is necessary that there should be a directing though quiet influence. Some women are too strenuous as hostesses, others are merely guests at their own parties. Here as elsewhere there is a medium course that is most to be desired.

THE IDEAL SOCIETY

The spirit of an ideal society has been well expressed by Amiel in his famous Journal: “In society people are expected to behave as if they lived on ambrosia and concerned themselves with nothing but the loftiest interests. Anxiety, need, passion, have no existence. All realism is suppressed as brutal. In a word, what we call ‘society’ proceeds for the moment on the flattering illusory assumption that it is moving in an ethereal atmosphere and breathing the air of the gods. All vehemence, all natural expression, all real suffering, all careless familiarity, or any frank sign of passion, are startling and distasteful in this delicate milieu; they at once destroy the common work, the cloud palace, the magical architectural whole, which has been raised by the general consent and effort. It is like the sharp cock-crow which breaks the spell of all enchantments, and puts the fairies to flight. These select gatherings produce, without knowing it, a sort of concert for eyes and ears, an improvised work of art. By the instinctive collaboration of everybody concerned, intellect and taste hold festival, and the associations of reality are exchanged for the associations of imagination. So understood, society is a form of poetry; the cultivated classes deliberately recompose the idyll of the past and the buried world of Astrea. Paradox or no, I believe that these fugitive attempts to reconstruct a dream whose only end is beauty represent confused reminiscences of an age of gold haunting the human heart, or rather aspirations toward a harmony of things which every-day reality denies to us, and of which art alone gives us a glimpse.”

A PERFECT SOCIAL GROUP

Speaking of a certain soirée, the same writer emphasizes the fact that the most beautiful social groups are not confined to any one age or sex. “About thirty people representing our best society were there, a happy mixture of sexes and ages. There were gray heads, young girls, bright faces—the whole framed in some Aubusson tapestries which made a charming background, and gave a soft air of distances to the brilliantly-dressed groups.”

CHAPTER VII
THE HOME WEDDING

TO a home wedding, invitations may be issued two weeks in advance. Their style depends upon how formal the function is to be. If a quiet family affair, the notes of invitation may be written in the first person by the bride’s mother, as:

“My Dear Mary:

“Helen and Mr. Jones are to be married on Wednesday, October the thirteenth, at four o’clock. The marriage will be very quiet, with none but the family and most intimate friends present. We hope that you will be of that number. Helen sends her love and begs that you will come to see her married.

“Faithfully yours,
”Joanna Smith.”

This kind of note is, of course, only permissible for the most informal affairs. For the usual home marriage, cards, which read as follows, may be issued:

“Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Blank’s company at the marriage of their daughter on the afternoon of Wednesday, the thirteenth of October, at four o’clock, at One hundred and forty-four Madison Square, Boston.”

Or the invitations may read:

“Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter, Helen Adams, to Mr. Charles Sprague, on Tuesday afternoon, October the thirteenth, at four o’clock.”

“R. s. v. p.” may be added if desired. Some people prefer to “request the honor of,” etc., as more elegant.

WEDDING CARDS

Wedding-cards are enclosed in two envelopes, with the inner one bearing the name only and left unsealed.

Sunday weddings are not good form, and Friday is, owing to the old superstition, not popular. Probably more weddings take place on Wednesday than on any other day.

At a home wedding, the bride often has but one girl attendant, and that one is the maid of honor. The bride tells her what kind of dress she wishes her to wear, and the bridegroom provides her bouquet for her. He also sends the bride her bouquet.

THE MATTER OF EXPENSES

The wedding expenses of the bridegroom are the flowers for the bride and her maid of honor or bridesmaids, the carriage in which he takes his bride to the train, the carriages for best man and ushers, and the clergyman’s fee. Besides this, he usually provides his ushers and best man with a scarf-pin. In some cases he gives these attendants also their gloves and ties; sometimes he does not. The bride’s family pays all other expenses, including the decorating of the house, the invitations and announcement cards and the caterer. If guests from a distance are to be met at the train by carriages, the bride’s father pays for these.

We will suppose that at the house wedding with which we have to do the only attendants are the best man, two ushers and the maid of honor, and that the ceremony is at high noon, or twelve o’clock.

The matter of lights at this function is largely a question of taste. If the day be brilliantly clear, it seems a pity to shut the glorious sunshine from the house. Therefore many brides decline to have the curtains drawn at the noon hour. Many persons prefer the light from the shaded lamps and candles, as being more becoming than the glare of day.

The wedding-breakfast is provided by a caterer always when such a thing is possible. It may consist of iced or jellied bouillon, lobster cutlets, chicken pâtés, a salad, with cakes, ices and coffee. This menu can be added to or elaborated, as inclination may dictate. Sweetbread pâtés may take the place of chicken pâtés. A frozen punch may take the place of the ordinary ices, and, if one wish, a game course be introduced. A heavy breakfast is, however, a tedious and unnecessary affair.

THE BRIDE’S DRESS

The bride’s dress, if she be a young girl, must be white with a veil. A train is advisable, as it adds elegance and dignity to the costume. The waist is made with a high neck and long sleeves and white gloves are worn. The veil is turned back from the face and reaches to the bottom of the train where it is held in place by several pearl-headed pins. A single fold of tulle hangs over the face, being separated from the main veil. This is thrown back after the ceremony.

The bridegroom wears a black frock coat, gray trousers, white waistcoat, white tie, light gray or pearl gloves and patent leather shoes. His ushers dress in much the same fashion.

The maid of honor wears a gown of white or very light color, with a slight train, and a picture hat, or not, as she wishes. When becoming, an entire costume of pale pink, with a large hat trimmed with long plumes of the same shade, is very striking. The bouquet carried by the bridesmaid will harmonize with the color of her gown. Of course, the bride’s bouquet will be white, and is usually composed of her favorite blossoms.

THE WEDDING RING

The old fashion of ripping the third finger of the bride’s left-hand glove, so that this finger might be slipped off for the adjusting of the ring, is no longer in vogue. Instead of this the left-hand glove is removed entirely at that part of the ceremony when the ring is placed on the bride’s finger by the bridegroom.

At a house wedding the guests assemble near the hour named, leave their wraps in the dressing-rooms, then wait in the drawing-room for the wedding. The whole parlor-floor is decorated with natural flowers, garlands of these being twisted about the balustrades, and making a bower of the room in which the marriage is to take place. If one can afford to do so, one may prefer to leave the matter of floral decorations to an experienced florist, but any person with taste can successfully decorate the rooms. A screen of green, dotted with flowers, may stand at the end of the room in which the marriage is to be solemnized, and an arch of flowers is thrown over this. Within this arch the clergyman, the bridegroom and the best man may await the arrival of the wedding guests, as the wedding march begins.

THE WEDDING PROCESSION

The portières, shutting off the drawing-room from the hall, are closed when the time arrives for the bridal party to descend the stairs. As they reach the hall the strains of the wedding march sound.

One word as to the orchestra. This should be stationed at such a distance from the clergyman and bridal party that its strains will not drown the words of the service. Since Fashion decrees that music should be played during the service, it should be so soft and low that it accentuates, rather than muffles the voices of the participants in the ceremony. Loud strains detract from the impressiveness of the occasion, and cause a feeling of irritation to the persons who would not miss a single word of the solemn service.

Through the door at the opposite end of the room from that in which the bridegroom stands, enters the wedding procession. The two ushers come first, having a moment or two before marked off the aisle, by stretching two lengths of white satin ribbon from end to end of the room. Following the ushers walks the bridesmaid alone, and, after her, on the arm of her father, comes the bride. At the improvised altar, or at the cushions upon which the bridal couple are to kneel, the ushers separate, one going to each side. The maid of honor moves to the left of the bride, and the father lays the bride’s hand in the hand of the bridegroom, then stands a little in the rear until he gives her away, after which point in the ceremony he steps back among the guests, or at one side, apart from the bridal group. The best man stands on the bridegroom’s right. It is he who gives the ring to the clergyman, who hands it to the bridegroom, who places it on the finger of the bride.

RECEIVING CONGRATULATIONS

When the ring is to be put on, the bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor, and draws off her left-hand glove, giving that also to the maid of honor, who holds both until after the benediction. After congratulating the newly-wedded pair, the clergyman gives them his place, and they stand facing the company, to receive congratulations. The bride’s mother should have been in the parlor to receive the guests as they arrived, and during the ceremony stands at the end of the room near the bridal party. She should be the first to congratulate the happy couple, the bridegroom’s parents following those of the bride. The maid of honor stands by the bride while she receives.

After congratulations have been extended, the wedding-breakfast is served at little tables placed about the various rooms. The bride and her party may, if desired, have a table to themselves, and upon this may be a wedding-cake, to be cut by the bride. This is not essential and has, of late years, been largely superseded by the squares of wedding cake, packed in dainty boxes, one of which is handed to each guest on leaving.

When the time comes for the bride to change her dress she slips quietly from the room, accompanied by her maid of honor. The bridegroom goes to an apartment assigned to him and his best man to put on his traveling suit. Later, the maid of honor may come down and tell the bride’s mother in an “aside” that she may now go up and bid her daughter good-by in the privacy of her own room. Afterward the young husband and wife descend the stairs together, say good-by in general to the guests awaiting them in the lower hall, and drive off, generally, one regrets to say, amid showers of rice.

AS TO PRACTICAL JOKES

I would say just here that the playing of practical jokes on a bridal pair is a form of pleasantry that should be confined to classes whose intellects have not been cultivated above the appreciation of such coarse fun. To tie a white satin bow on the trunk of the so-called happy pair so that all passengers may take note of them, is hardly kind. But jesting compared to some of the deeds done. A few weeks ago the papers gave an account of a groomsman who slipped handcuffs upon the wrists of bride and bridegroom, then lost the key, and the embarrassed couple had to wait for their train, chained together, until a file could be procured, by which time their train had left. Such forms of buffoonery may be diverting to the perpetrator; they certainly are not amusing to the sufferers.

THE QUIET WEDDING

this is refined A girl who is to be married quietly with only relatives or intimate friends present often says, in explaining this fact, “I’m not going to have a wedding.” The expression is not well chosen, for it inevitably suggests that the glitter of the ceremony is in her eyes more important than the solemn words which are the wedding.

CHAPTER VIII
THE CHURCH WEDDING

THERE is about a church wedding a formality that is dispensed with at a home ceremony. The cards of invitation may be engraved in the same form as those described in the last chapter, but the church at which the marriage is to take place is mentioned instead of the residence of the bride’s parents. If in a large city where curiosity seekers are likely to crowd into the edifice, it is customary to enclose with the card of invitation a small card to be presented at the door. Only bearers of these bits of pasteboard are admitted. With the invitations may be cards for the reception or the wedding-breakfast to follow the ceremony. These cards demand acceptances or regrets, which should always be addressed to the mother of the bride, never to the bride-elect.

The decorations for a church wedding may be elaborate. As a rule, one color scheme is chosen, and carried out through all the arrangements. For example, the coloring is pink and white, and if the wedding is in the autumn, chrysanthemums may be the chosen flowers, if in the summer, roses. The matter of decorations is usually put into the hands of a florist.

White satin ribbon is stretched across the pews to be occupied by the members of the two families or, more courteously, large bows of it are fastened at the end of each, and to these pews the destined occupants are conducted by the ushers a short time before the bridal party enters the edifice. A list of the persons entitled to sit in these pews should be given to the chief usher.

DUTIES OF THE USHERS

At a large and elaborate wedding six or eight ushers are often needed. Sometimes an usher follows the older custom of giving his arm to a lady, but he may be less formal if he choose and merely precede her down the aisle. There is an equal number of bridesmaids, a maid of honor and a best man. The best man, the bridegroom, and the clergyman enter the church by the vestry door, and await at the altar the coming of the bride and her attendants. The organ, which has been playing for some moments, announces the arrival of the wedding party by the opening strains of the wedding march.

THE WEDDING CEREMONY

When the carriages containing the party arrive at the church door the ushers go down the canopy-covered walk and help the girls to alight, convey them into the vestibule and close the outer doors of the church while the procession forms. Then the inside doors are thrown open and as the organ peals forth the wedding march, the procession passes up the aisle at a dignified pace, but not, let us hope, at the painfully slow gait some persons think necessary. First, come the ushers, two by two, next, the bridesmaids in pairs, then the maid of honor, walking alone, and the bride on the arm of her father, or other masculine relative if her father is not living. As the altar is reached the ushers divide, half the number going to the right, the other half to the left, then the bridesmaids do the same, passing in front of the ushers and forming a portion of a circle nearer the altar. The maid of honor, who is sometimes now, instead, a matron of honor, stands near the bride, on her left hand, and the best man stands near the bridegroom’s right. The bridegroom, stepping forward to meet the bride, takes her hand and leads her to their place in front of the clergyman, the father remaining standing a little in the rear of the bride and to one side until that portion of the service is reached when the clergyman asks, “Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?” He then takes his daughter’s hand, and laying it in the hand of the bridegroom, replies, “I do.” After this he steps quietly down from the chancel and takes his place in the pew with his wife, or the other members of the family. If the bride’s father is dead his place may be taken by any middle-aged man relative or family friend.

DUTY OF THE BEST MAN

During the ceremony the best man stands at the right of the bridegroom, and a trifle behind him, taking charge of his friend’s hat and handing him the ring when it is needed. It is he, also, who pays the clergyman and if a register is to be signed, he signs it. The final responsibility for a ceremony without an awkward hitch rests on his shoulders and on those of the maid of honor.

The maid of honor, standing near the bride, holds her bouquet and takes her glove when the ring is put on, and continues to hold them until after the benediction, which the bridal pair kneels to receive. Then the organ again sounds the wedding march, and the guests remain standing as the party assembled at the altar moves down the aisle. First, comes the bride on her husband’s arm, then the best man and the maid of honor together, then the ushers and the bridesmaids, each girl on the arm of an usher. After that the families of the bride and bridegroom leave. The bridal party is driven directly to the home of the bride’s parents, where the wedding-breakfast is served or, if a reception follows the wedding, where the bride awaits the arrival of her guests.

THE ARTISTIC BRIDE

The conventional dress for the bride married in daylight is the same as for an evening wedding, a trained white gown with lace or tulle veil. The same is true of the costumes of the bridesmaids and maid of honor. These are selected by the bride. At one pink-and-white wedding the bridesmaids wore pink dresses with pink picture-hats, while the maid of honor wore a gown of palest green with hat to match,—hers being the only touch of any color but pink in the assembly, and serving to accentuate the general rose-like scheme. The bridesmaids’ bouquets are of flowers to harmonize with their costumes. The bride’s bouquet is always white, bride roses being favorites for this purpose. Brides with artistic natures who find white satin and orange blossoms unbecoming, sometimes arrange a softer costume that is still sufficiently bride-like to satisfy sentiment. Often little children are used as attendants for the bride. They precede the maid of honor and may scatter flower petals down the aisle as they go. The effect is charming. A matron of honor must wear a colored costume.

At a day wedding the bridegroom wears a frock coat, light gray trousers, white waistcoat, white satin or silk tie and patent leather shoes. Of course, the only hat permissible with a frock coat is a high silk one. The gloves are white, or pale gray. The ushers’ dress is the same except that their ties need not be white.

At an evening wedding full dress is, of course, necessary. Then the bridegroom wears his dress suit, white waistcoat, white lawn tie and white gloves. The ushers are dressed in the same manner.

GIFTS TO BRIDESMAIDS

It is customary for the bride to give her bridesmaids some little gift. This may be a stick-pin or brooch bearing the intertwined initials of the bridal pair. This pin is usually worn by the recipient at the wedding.

The bride and the bridegroom with the bridesmaids stand together at the end of the drawing-room to receive the guests. An usher meets each guest at his, or her arrival, and offering his arm, escorts the newcomer to the bridal pair, asking for the name as he does so. This name he repeats distinctly on reaching the bride, who extends her hand in greeting, and receives congratulations. The bridegroom is then congratulated, and the guest straightway makes room for the next comer.

One is often asked what should be said to the newly-married pair,—what form congratulations should take, and so on. Stilted phrases are at all times to be avoided, and the greeting should be as simple and straightforward as possible. It is good form to wish the bride happiness, while the bridegroom is congratulated. Thus one says to the bride, “I hope you will be very happy,—and I am sure you will.” And to the bridegroom one may say,—“You do not need to be told how much you are to be congratulated, for you know it already. Still I do want to say that I congratulate you from my heart.”

A pretty custom followed by some brides is that of turning, when half-way up the stairs, after the reception or breakfast is over, untying the ribbon fastening the bouquet together, and scattering the flowers thus released among the men waiting in the hall below. This disposes of the wedding bouquet which one has not the heart to throw away, and yet which one can not keep satisfactorily.

DISPLAYING GIFTS

If gifts are displayed at a reception, it should be in an upper room, and all cards should be removed. The bride may keep a list of her presents and of the donors, but to display cards gives an opportunity for invidious comparisons. More and more the custom of showing gifts, except to intimate friends in private, is going out.

The tables for the wedding-breakfast may be placed about the drawing-rooms, and the guests are seated informally at them. The only exception to this rule is the bride’s table at which the bridal party sits. As artificial lights are usually used at elaborate functions, even at high noon, pretty candelabra are upon each table. Or, if preferred, fairy lamps may take the place of the candelabra.

THE WEDDING BREAKFAST

The menu for the wedding-breakfast may consist of grapefruit with Maraschino cherries, or of oyster cocktails, or of clams on the half-shell, as a first course; next, hot clam bouillon (unless clams have already been served) or chicken bouillon; fish in some form, as fish croquettes with oyster-crab sauce; sweetbread pâtés with green peas; broiled chicken or French chops with potato croquettes or with Parisian potatoes; punch frappé; game with salad; ices, cakes, coffee. If wines are used, champagne is served with the breakfast. Slices of the wedding-cake packed in dainty satin-paper boxes are given to the guests as they leave.

The breakfast over, the bride slips away quietly, to change her dress for the wedding journey, and departs as after a home wedding.

The guests at a wedding-breakfast must call on the mother of the bride within three weeks after the marriage. They will, of course, call on the bride on one of her “At Home” days, the dates of which are given with the wedding invitations or with the announcement cards.

ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS

Announcement cards are issued immediately after the wedding, so must be addressed and stamped ready to be mailed at once. The text usually used is this:

“Mr. and Mrs. William Edwin Burnham announce the marriage of their daughter, Eleanor Fair, to Mr. John Langdon Morse, on Tuesday, the eighth of December, one thousand nine hundred and five, at St. Michael’s Church, Davenport, Iowa.”

Another form that is sometimes seen is the following:

“Married, Wednesday, October eleventh, 1903; Florence Archer and John Staunton, 1019 Penn Street, Philadelphia.”

This last form is seldom used except in cases where the bride is so unfortunate as to have no relatives in whose names she may announce her marriage.

With the announcement cards may be enclosed another card bearing the dates of the bride’s “At Home” days, and the hours at which she will receive. Announcement cards are usually issued after a small or private wedding to which only a limited number of guests have been invited. If the wedding has been large or was followed by a large reception to which all one’s calling acquaintances may be bidden, the announcement cards are unnecessary and the “At Home” cards are issued with the invitations to the marriage, or are sent out after the bride returns from her trip.

THE DRESS FOR A WIDOW

The dress for a widow at her second marriage should be made of some elegant colored fabric and she should wear a hat if the ceremony is performed in a church. There should be no attendants except the father or brother or an intimate friend.

A young girl without parents and of limited income may quite properly be married in her traveling costume and with the utmost simplicity. If she have a proper sense of the delicacy and solemnity of the occasion she will not, however, go to the house of a strange clergyman for the ceremony but have it performed in the parlor of her nearest friend or relative. In this way she shows her own good breeding and protects herself from any idle remarks. For a girl to join her fiancé in a distant city and marry him there is a step seldom taken in wisdom, whatever the circumstances.

Notes to all who have sent gifts must be written by the bride before she leaves home.

CHAPTER IX
THE DINNER PARTY

THE dinner is the most important and the most delightful of social functions. It is the most civilized of entertainments, and to say of a town that it is a dinner-giving town means that it has arrived socially. This flower of hospitality blooms slowly. In many western places where the reception, the afternoon tea, the theater party and the ladies’ luncheon flourish like a green bay tree, the dinner is an unknown function. A young hostess is often afraid of attempting it, as is also the unaccustomed diner-out. Yet it is not a formidable entertainment, rightly considered, and when happily managed the return it brings far outweighs the outlay of time and trouble.

The dinner, height of hospitality as it is, is yet within the reach of most of us as far as expenditure is concerned. The cost of a dinner may be much or little. The menu may be simple or elaborate. Five courses is enough for a dainty satisfying meal, yet eighteen and twenty are sometimes served. The table decorations may be of the most expensive sort; yet a half-dozen roses and candles in keeping are sufficient to give a properly festive touch.

The number of servants required depends, of course, upon the elaborateness or simplicity of the menu and upon the number of guests to be served. The size of the dinner party is elastic, though eighteen at the table is usually regarded as the maximum.

THE SMALL DINNER

The little dinner party has the advantage of being in some ways a more attractive function than the big one, as well as one in which people of small incomes may safely indulge. When a dinner is so large that general conversation is impossible, it defeats its own purpose. Eight guests are a good number. Why it should be that ten guests are still so few as to form a little dinner party and that twelve guests undoubtedly make a big dinner party is one of those inscrutable truths that it takes something more than arithmetic to explain. But so it is. If the guests are properly chosen for a small dinner there should be in the atmosphere a combination of pretty formality and agreeable familiarity about this function that no other can give in so large a degree.

The choice of guests is, of course, the first and most important consideration. Upon this more than upon any other consideration depends the success of your party. It does not do to invite people together for commercial reasons simply or from any other purely selfish motive. It does not do to go through one’s list and invite people, by instalments, straight through the alphabet. The hostess must exercise all the tact and discrimination of which she is possessed. It is not always necessary that the people chosen should be friends and acquaintances but it is necessary that they have interests, broadly speaking, of the same sort, that they have enough in common to make a basis for easy informal talk. If the people chosen like one another or have the capacity for interesting and diverting one another, the hostess should feel that the weightiest business is off her hands.

SENDING DINNER INVITATIONS

Dinner invitations should be sent out at least a week before the date of the function. In places where social life is of a strenuous character and people are likely to have many engagements ahead, two weeks should be allowed. In New York and Washington, invitations for formal dinners are issued four weeks before the event. The invitation to a dinner should be answered immediately. As the number of guests invited in any case is small, the hostess should know as soon as possible the intention of those invited, so that, in case of a regret, she may fill the place so quickly that the person next chosen may not realize that he is an alternate. The letters R. s. v. p. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Any one who receives such a card or note is supposed to understand that an answer is expected.

THE DINNER MENU

When the guests are selected, the invitations delivered and the proper number of acceptances received, the hostess may then turn her attention to the other arrangements. The important matter of deciding upon the menu is next in order. If the hostess has an admirably trained cook or is in a position to engage an expert cateress, a consultation with one or the other settles the affair. In case she has not the one and is not financially able to engage the other, she must depend upon her own resources. She must select a menu which she and her maid can together carry out successfully.

The composition of a dinner menu is an employment that gives scope for talent and originality. The range of possible dishes is large, the variety in the way of combination inexhaustible. To plan a dinner that is at once palatable and pleasing to the eye requires no mean ability. To a woman who has a genius for culinary feats, this sort of accomplishment may be an exercise of the artistic faculties; and the effect produced upon the partakers of the feast goes far beyond mere physical satisfaction. If one is in the habit of studying cook-books, which make more interesting reading than they are generally given credit for, the opportunity afforded by a dinner party for the display of one’s knowledge should be as eagerly welcomed as the opportunity offered a violinist for the exhibition of his art. Novelties are to be indulged in sparingly. Queer highly-colored dishes make the guests nervous as to the hygienic results.

ROUND OR SQUARE TABLES

Sometimes fashion decrees that a square or oblong table is the appropriate form. Again she approves the round table. At the present time the round table has the preference and, as far as the present writer can see, with reason. The round table puts all the diners on an equal footing instead of establishing a sometimes embarrassing distinction between guests and hosts. Its use makes it possible for each guest to have a good view of every other guest and this promotes general conversation. Added to these merits is another of importance, namely, that a round table is more susceptible of attractive decoration.

Many people who employ a square table for family use, employ on formal occasions a round top, capable of seating twelve or fourteen people, which top can be placed above the table commonly in use. This top when not in use folds together on hinges in the center. On occasion it can be clamped to the table in ordinary so that it holds perfectly firm.

One should not ask more guests than the table will roomily accommodate. A woman guest will often be glad of a footstool.

THE SILVER AND CHINA

On the morning of the dinner the silver and china necessary should be looked over and later in the day properly placed. The table should be arranged with cloth, the napkins, the various knives, forks and spoons, the flowers, the candles, and the service plates, if such are used. The china to be employed for the various courses should be placed, before the dinner, in the butler’s pantry in a way to promote, as far as possible, swift and deft service with the maid. She should be instructed exactly where she can lay her hands on the dishes for each item in the menu so that her attendance may be expert and noiseless. For her benefit it is well also to make out in good legible writing, the menu for the meal and hang it in the kitchen in full view of her and any other servants employed for the occasion. In giving a dinner nothing should be left to chance. Every emergency should be taken into consideration and planned for. In small households where only one maid is employed, a trained waitress may be hired at small expense to help serve.

FLOWERS AND CANDLES

The flowers to be used should have some relation to the color of the candles if candles are used. A few flowers skilfully arranged are sometimes quite as effective as a profusion. A clear glass jar which shows stems and leaves as well as blooms is a good investment for the woman whose love of beauty goes further than her ability to pay. The importance of foliage is not always appreciated. One of the cleverest minor inventions for making a few blossoms appear to their best advantage is the cross-bar of wire which one finds now in the shops, in various sizes and fitted to the tops of various ornamental vases. By the use of this device each flower stands out in individual beauty. The effect of no single blossom is lost.

Avoid a centerpiece that is so high as to obstruct the view across the table.

LAYING THE TABLE

The table-cloth and napkins should be of pure white and of the finest napery that one can afford. Silk and lace contraptions that will not stand washing are in bad taste. The table-cloth is not starched and preferably is never folded by the laundress but rolled so that when used it shows no creases except one down the center. First on the table is laid a heavy felt cloth known as the silence cloth, which, besides deadening sounds, serves to make the damask lie more smoothly and gives it a richer, handsomer appearance than if it were spread on the bare boards. If the game or joints are to be served from the table, a carver’s square should be laid at the head of the table and beneath it a thick mat for the protection of the table surface. Beside this square are laid the carving knife and fork, a table spoon and a gravy ladle. At each guest’s place, is set a “service plate,” insisted on by the punctilious who choose to obey the unwritten rule of hospitality that a guest once seated is never without a plate. This plate is exchanged by the waitress for the one bearing the food when it is served. To the left of this plate will be arranged the forks, tines upward. These will ordinarily consist of two large forks for the main meat course and the salad, then a third fork for the fish and outside of these a small oyster fork if there is to be a course of raw oysters. At the right of the plate will be two dinner knives with the edges of the blades turned toward the plate, a fish knife, and the spoons, including first a small spoon for the after-dinner coffee. The spoon that will be used first is placed on the outside for obvious reasons. The soup spoon with the bowl uppermost will be placed either at right angles to the knives or from right to left back of the plate. The water glass and the glasses for wine, if these are used, stand to the right and back, a little beyond the knives. As butter is not served at formal dinners the bread and butter plate and butter spreader are omitted. The folded napkin containing the dinner roll is laid to the right of the knives or on the service plate. Fancy foldings of the napkin are not approved.

THE SKILFUL MAID

When the waitress hands a dish from which the guest must serve himself she offers it on the left so that he may use his right hand freely. However, when she puts a plate before him, she should do it from the right. Many hostesses decree that on clearing the table, the large meat and vegetable dishes should be taken first and the soiled plates last. A reversal of this procedure would seem to be an improvement as the untidy plates are the least sightly things about the table. If the maid is skilful she will notice whether any guest has by chance already used the spoons or other silver required for the dessert course and supply those without a request being made.

In clearing the table the maid must not stack the dishes. She should take a plate in each hand and no more.

Avoid using heavily scented flowers on a dinner table.

Menu cards do not belong in private houses. They have the somewhat vulgar effect of laying too much stress on the food. The ideal dinner is, indeed, a delightful repast, but it should be first of all what has been wittily described as “a feast of reason and a regular freshet of soul.”

THE FRUIT CENTERPIECE

A fruit centerpiece is not often seen but it is handsome. A large silver plate or basket heaped with pink and white winter grapes or even with rosy apples and “glove” oranges is most effective.

If candles are used these should be kept on ice until near the dinner hour, then lighted and the wicks cut, to prevent smoking and dripping. Many persons who like to put shades on their candles have difficulty in preventing them from catching fire. It is worth knowing that this is more likely to occur when the holders are fitted to the top of the candle than where they clasp it below the heated part.

When a dessert dish is placed on a larger plate, or a finger-bowl is set before the guest, a small lace paper mat may be laid between plate and dish.

If the dining-room floor is of hard wood rubber tips may be bought at any department store and put on the chair-legs to prevent the noise of scraping.

The table should be carefully set so that the centerpiece is exactly in the center and the guests’ places precisely opposite each other.

As a rule the china used throughout a dinner exactly matches, but if a hostess prefers she may use different sets for different courses.

In serving soup be careful not to give too much. A half ladleful is an “elegant sufficiency.”

THE TEMPERATURE OF WINES

If a dinner is very formal and several wines are to be served, it is correct to use white wine with the fish, sherry with the soup, claret with the roast and champagne or Burgundy with the game. The white wine, sherry and champagne should be kept cold; champagne, indeed, should be very cold and is served from a bottle wrapped in a napkin. Claret and Burgundy are most agreeable at a temperature of about seventy. All these wines are served from the bottle except claret and sherry, which are usually decanted, that is to say, they are poured from the original bottle into a cut-glass bottle or decanter intended especially for table use.

Much of the success of a dinner depends upon the serving. A well-trained maid or man is indispensable, and it is not to be denied that the training, for this purpose, of the average servant to be found in the West is difficult. But with patience it can be done. If one is in the habit, as one should be, of insisting that the home dinner be served with proper formality, the extra duties involved in the service of a larger number of people and of a greater range of dishes need not be viewed with terror.

If there are ten or twelve guests the services of two maids or men become necessary, lest the portions on the plates become cold before the sauces and vegetables that are to accompany them can be passed. For elaborate dinners the rule is one waiter to every three guests.

In punctilious households the unwritten law that a guest should never be without a plate before him is observed, and this is known as the service or place plate. At an informal meal this plate may be dispensed with.

A maid should be taught to move quietly, to keep her eyes and thoughts on what she is doing, and in an emergency to go directly to her mistress for a quiet word of instruction. It is particularly important that the domestic in the kitchen should also be as quiet as possible in her movements. Nothing is more annoying during a dinner conversation than a crash of crockery in the culinary regions.

THE HOUR FOR DINNER

As a rule dinner is served in most American cities at seven o’clock. In New York, however, where long distance makes it difficult for men to reach home, dress for the evening and arrive at any stated place, eight o’clock is frequently the hour.

SAYING GRACE

In not a few houses the fine old fashion of saying grace is still observed and the guest should carefully watch his hostess for a cue as to how to conduct himself. A young woman who happened to be visiting in one of the older New England families chanced to take her first meal at the dinner hour. After a moment’s pause she was asked by her hostess to start the meal, and with best intentions she did so by passing a bread plate near her. To her dismay she afterward learned that she had been expected to say grace. Of course, such an incident could occur only at an informal dinner, but it serves to bring up the point that many a hostess embarrasses a guest by directly asking him to perform this service which a natural timidity or his being unaccustomed to it may make an ordeal for him. If a clergyman is present, respect to his position, whatever one’s own religious convictions or want of them, demands that he be asked to say grace.

At informal dinners the roast may be carved at the table if the hostess prefers this plan and if the host can be persuaded to do the carving and is able to do it skilfully and quietly. This plan, which is English in its origin, seems more hospitable in a way than the more formal custom of serving everything from side-tables, a la Russe. Undoubtedly there is a flavor of the hotel and restaurant about the Russian style that is less agreeable, though simpler and more expeditious. It may be remarked, however, that while it is of first importance that a dinner service should move promptly and that it should not at the outside take up more than two hours, anything that actually suggests haste is contrary to the spirit of the occasion.

When the meats are carved at the table the vegetables should be passed by the maid, as the guests may have a choice. For the person at the head of the table to serve both meat and vegetables is permissible only at a family dinner. In some households the host or hostess makes a specialty of salad dressing, and this course, also, is served at the table. As the salad bowl may be so arranged as to present a beautiful, as well as a delicious sight, the custom has more than one reason to recommend it.

WHO IS SERVED FIRST

As to who is served first there has been considerable discussion. The plan has recently come into favor in some houses to hand the first plate in each instance to the hostess in the thought that if there is anything wrong with the dish she may detect it before the guests are served. The usual plan, however, is to serve first the lady sitting at the host’s right hand, then all the other ladies, and lastly the men. Or, if two maids are serving, one may take one side of the table and one the other. The maid should hand the dishes on the left side of the guest. A clever maid can wait on eight people, provided the dinner is not too elaborate.

DRESS OF BUTLER AND MAID

The dress of a maid waiting at dinner should be in winter of a plain black stuff, in summer of plain white. Over this is worn a white bib apron with bands going over the shoulders. The skirt of the apron should be large so that the front of the dress is protected. A plain white collar and white cuffs and a white cap without strings or crown complete this costume. No ornaments of any sort are permissible.

A butler should wear the ordinary dress suit with a white tie. It is a matter of wonder to the thoughtful why society has not yet found a way to clothe her butlers and waiters in some manner that shall prevent strangers from taking them for guests, but as yet no such way seems to have been found. In default of a butler many families keep what is known as a house-man, who performs the duties of both butler and footman; that is to say, he opens the door and also assists at table. Such a servant has a white linen jacket and dark trousers, though some women who have negro house-men and a taste for the picturesque prefer that they shall wear dark colored coats with brass buttons and a scarlet or other bright colored waistcoat. While one sees in certain nice houses white gloves on the hands of a house-man when he is waiting at table, the best taste is against their use, as they undeniably suggest that they are worn to hide dirty hands.

WHAT TO WEAR AT DINNER

At formal dinners a woman is expected to wear a dress cut moderately low in the neck, while for men what is known as evening dress is imperative. Sometimes an invitation contains the word “informal,” but unless one has explicit direction to the contrary, no departure should be made from the usual method of dressing.

When a dinner is hastily arranged for an out-of-town guest, who is perhaps passing through the city for the day only, or for some distinguished man or woman on a tour of lectures, the hostess may particularly request the guests not to wear evening clothes out of consideration for the guest of honor who, not expecting any social courtesies, is not prepared so to dress himself. In such cases the men will wear their day clothes, though a woman is always privileged to make her evening toilet somewhat more dainty and elaborate than her daytime one. Not to appear in one’s best when the occasion is suited to happy raiment is to do both one’s self and the occasion an injustice. Most people are at their best when they have the consciousness of being attractively attired, and one may be sure that the hostess always appreciates any effort made by her guests toward increasing the charm of the social picture which she has composed. A dark or dowdy dress is an ugly note in such a group and reveals in the woman who causes it an insufficient sense of the compliment that has been extended to her.

THE DINNER COAT

The dinner coat, or Tuxedo, was designed to be worn only on the most informal occasions, though there is a tendency to widen its field of usefulness. The theory is that it should never be worn where there are ladies, but the modern practise has broken the theory down so that at small dinners, the theater, club affairs, etc., the dinner coat is worn by men who give the subject of dress intelligent consideration. With the dinner coat a black silk string tie should be worn; this the wearer should tie in a bow, tightly drawn at the center. Gray ties have been urged by the fashion makers, but they are not so good as the black. The white lawn tie should never be worn with the dinner coat. Gold studs and gold link cuff buttons, or the newer dark enamel should be used, in shirts of plaits or tucks of various widths. These softer styles of shirts are now in high favor and are a sensible and proper innovation. Extremes of styles should be avoided, and many men of conservative tastes still wear the stiff plain linen or piqué bosoms. A black waistcoat of the same material as the coat is preferable to the fancier forms.

THE LOW-CUT GOWN

It is gratifying to note that in the best houses neither the hostess nor any woman guest is seen to appear with a dress improperly low. A woman, not long used to the better social circle into which she married, was once invited to meet an actress at a private dinner party. To the amazement and distress of her hostess she appeared in a gown that evidently carried out her idea of what is “Bohemian.” She had quite clearly been determined not to be outdone by the actress. To her chagrin she found this woman in a gown much higher than her own and wholly modest in every particular. To govern one’s dress or conduct in society by any notion of outdoing some one else is an indication of the parvenu and likely to meet with dire results.

Those who entertain often soon learn to discriminate between the guest whose presence helps to make a dinner a success and one who is an undigested lump in the social leaven. The desirable guest is not necessarily a wit or a beauty but she comes with a glad mind and heart, arrayed in her prettiest and with the sincere intention of trying to give pleasure. She realizes the compliment of her invitation and that it can not be acknowledged merely by extending a similar one. She must, as some one recently put it, “pay her scat” before she leaves the house. If her dearest enemy is present nothing in her manner will betray that fact to the hostess.

The meal should be announced by the servant in charge opening the door or doors leading into the dining-room and saying, “Dinner is served.” It saves confusion even at a small dinner to mark the places at table by cards inscribed with the appropriate name, but this is not obligatory.

THE DINNER PROCESSION

The host, with the lady who is to sit at his right, is the first to leave the drawing-room. The order of the other couples does not matter, except that the hostess, with the man who is to sit at her right, leaves last. The places of honor are those at the right of the host and the hostess. If the President were a guest, the hostess would lead the way to the dining-room with him, the President’s wife coming immediately after with the host. If two ladies are entertaining, one must play the part of host. At very large and formal dinners trays on which are small envelopes are placed in the men’s dressing-room, each envelope bearing the name of the woman the guest to whom it is addressed is to take in, and indicating by the letter L. or R. in the corner of the card on which side the two will sit.

ARRIVING AT A DINNER

A dinner party demands that the guest be not more than ten minutes early, and ordinarily not a half-minute behind the time mentioned in the invitation. In large cities, however, on account of the great distances, ten or fifteen minutes’ grace is allowed. After that interval has passed, the hostess—or her butler if she have one—should see that the cover laid for this person is removed, and the usual announcement made that “Dinner is served.” The servant at the door directs the women to their dressing-room, the men to theirs. In the dressing-room the women leave their wraps, but do not remove their gloves. Each woman, accompanied by her escort, descends to the drawing-room, greets the hosts, and the man who is to take her out to dinner is then introduced to her.

Where there are many courses a guest may, if he wish, sometimes decline one or more of these. He may also show by a gesture that he will not take wine, or, if his glasses are filled, he may simply lift them to his lips, taste the contents, then drink no more. As a glass will be filled as soon as emptied, the guest may say in a low voice, “No more, please!” when he has had enough. None of these refusals should be so marked as to attract the attention of his entertainers. A wine-glass should never be turned down.

After the ladies have removed their gloves and the dinner-roll or slice of bread has been taken from the folded napkin and the napkin laid in the lap, the dinner conducts itself. The chapter headed “At Table” will answer any doubtful questions as to the manner of eating at home or abroad.

WHEN DINNER IS OVER

After the dinner is ended, the hostess gives a slight signal, or makes the move to rise. The gentlemen stand while the ladies pass out of the room, then sit down again for their cigars, coffee and liquors. The chairs, on rising from a dinner-table, should not be pushed back in place. Coffee and cordials are served to the ladies in the drawing-room, where they are soon joined by the gentlemen.

When the time for departure approaches it is the place of the woman who goes first to rise, motion to her husband, and then as soon as she and he have said good night to the host and hostess, they bow to the other guests, and retire to the dressing-rooms. After this they go directly from the house, not entering the drawing-room again. If there are guests of honor they should be the first to go.

SAYING GOOD NIGHT

In saying good night it is perfectly proper, extremists to the contrary notwithstanding, to thank the entertainers for a pleasant evening. Such thanks need not be profuse, but may be simply—“Good night, and many thanks for a delightful evening!” or “It is hard to leave, we have had such a pleasant time!” One need never be afraid to let one’s hosts know that the time spent in their presence has passed delightfully.

THE SUCCESSFUL DINNER

Given well-prepared food, whether simple or elaborate, proper service, a room not too warm and a current of fresh air that does not blow on any one, guests sympathetically chosen, the dinner can not fail to be a success. A young married belle of a western city who was visiting in a smart New York set was asked at her first dinner what people in the West did for after-dinner entertainment. “They talk,” she said. The people present looked at her as if they thought that a dull way of spending the time, and to a query of hers regarding their methods of entertainment, replied that they usually “had in” a professional or professionals of some sort for the amusement of the guests after the eating and drinking were over. To her taste this indicated an unenviable mental poverty, as it will to most sensible people. The best flavor of a successful dinner party lies not in the food, however grateful that may be to the palate, but in the talk. A dinner is the entertainment at which sprightly natural talk counts for the most; and this is probably the reason that the world over the dinner is considered the most elegant and distinguished form of entertainment.

CHAPTER X
THE EDUCATION OF A YOUNG GIRL

IS IT a good thing to send a young girl away to school, and, if so, shall one send her to boarding-school or college? are the questions that agitate many a household where the daughter or daughters are old enough to make these questions pertinent. Over-conscientious and fearful mothers sometimes decide that the risk is too great in sending girls away from home. They fear, with the loosening of home ties, a lessening of a sense of responsibility, while at the same time they doubt a girl’s power to get on without maternal supervision. The judgment and experience of the world is against this point of view. “Homekeeping youths have ever homekeeping wits,” is no more true of boys than of girls. Going away to school should be one of the richly vitalizing influences of life. To a certain extent a girl is thrown on her own resources when away as she would not be at home, yet the conditions in any school worthy of the name are such that she is guarded and protected. At home, her friendships and acquaintances have been made largely through the connection of her family with the community in which she lives. Away, she must make her own friends. At home, it is probable that mother, older sister or a kindly aunt have done her darning and other mending. Away, she must do these things for herself or they remain undone. In many ways the opportunity is given her by a year or two away at school to prove herself, yet to do so without danger, as the amateur swordsman fences with a button on his foil. Outside of these considerations one of the most important is the development that comes through delight in change. Novel conditions have charm for all ages, and in youth, much more than in age, they are a spur to endeavor. Happiness of a healthful kind stimulates the mind, and it is commonly true that the years spent away at school are pleasant ones.

WHAT SCHOOL TO CHOOSE

The advocates of the different sorts of training represented by boarding-school and college life are often hostile to each other. There is much to be said in favor of both educational methods, and the decision concerning which shall be adopted for a young girl should depend largely upon her own temperament, tastes and inclinations. The advocates of college life are too apt to assume that the texture of boarding-school learning is flimsy, which it sometimes is. The friends of boarding-school life assume that a college training means an absence of regard for the feminine graces; and it is true that some of its representatives are not social successes. But such comment goes a short way in helping one to a decision as to whether boarding-school or college shall be the destination of one’s daughter.

THE BOARDING-SCHOOL

The character of the girls’ colleges in our country is much more generally known than that of boarding-schools. The colleges are few in number, and to their proceedings is given a degree of publicity not accorded the proceedings of smaller educational enterprises. There are boarding-schools and boarding-schools. Investigation can not be too careful before placing a girl in one of them. The best offer advantages of an admirable kind. The courses of study, while not so diverse as those of college, are particularly adapted to feminine tastes, while the accomplishments which tend to make social life more interesting and agreeable are given a large share of attention. History, literature, the modern languages, music and drawing have perhaps the foremost places in the curriculum. Many of these schools are in cities where opportunities are given, under proper chaperonage, for girls to see the best theatrical performances and to hear concerts of value. In these schools girls come into more intimate relations with their teachers than is possible in a college, and they are also much more strictly chaperoned. Matters of form and deportment, details of manner, so far as they can be taught, are given thought and attention often with happy results. One may say that a girl should learn these things at home, but sometimes her surroundings there are not favorable and again she needs the impetus of just such criticism as she receives at a good boarding-school to make her aware of the value of form. The aim of a good boarding-school is to make of a girl an attractive member of society as well as to make her mentally appreciative. The stamp of certain admirable boarding-schools upon the manners of the women who have attended them is unmistakable. I once heard a man say that he could always “spot” a pupil of Miss Porter’s famous Farmington School within half an hour after introduction, by certain delicate formalities in her manner.

THE WOMAN’S COLLEGE

A woman’s college offers a much wider sphere for a girl’s energies and abilities than does boarding-school. If she loves study, is fond of athletics and is interested widely in human nature, college is the place for her. Here she has a chance for the development of her best mental powers. Deportment is not one of the unwritten branches of the curriculum as it is in the girls’ boarding-school. Nevertheless it is taught by the social preeminence of those who bring the best breeding with them. Though the surveillance is not what it is in boarding-schools, it is not so necessary, because the girls are somewhat older than those in boarding-schools and because the sentiment of the students generally is for law and order.

WELL-KNOWN COLLEGES

The best-known girls’ colleges in the United States are situated in the country, and the opportunity thus given for sport and for a healthy appreciation of nature is an invaluable asset for those institutions. At no time in life is the love of beauty at once so delicate and so keen as in those years when one is eligible to college life. To foster this perhaps latent appreciation by a direct contact with the beauties of nature is one of the opportunities offered by Bryn Mawr, Vassar, Wellesley, Smith and other well-known women’s colleges.

The three or four years in college among a hundred or more other girls often form one of the happiest and most fruitful periods of a girl’s life. She makes interesting and valuable friendships. Often her knowledge of the world is broadened by visits paid to her schoolmates in vacation time. The advantages she derives from properly directed study are great; the advantages in other directions are possibly even greater. A women’s college is a little world in which every variety of femininity may be observed. The life there gives opportunity for the development of the most diverse talents. Any sort of capability eventually finds scope for action in college life. The serious side and the recreative side of life find expression there. A girl who lends herself freely to the opportunities of a college should quit its doors prepared for social and domestic life and able also to take care of herself financially if exigencies require.

The comparative cost of college and boarding-school is often an important point in the matter of deciding a girl’s educational destination. The best boarding-schools are more expensive than the colleges as far as formal expenditure is concerned. A girl’s personal expenses, though they are regulated in some boarding-schools, are in college and at most boarding-schools what she and the family council choose to make them.

TRAVEL AS EDUCATION

If college and boarding-school exercise a beneficial influence upon the development of a girl’s mind and manners, travel is a happy third in the list. Unfortunately travel is an expensive luxury. If, however, the financial circumstances of a girl’s parents are such that she may travel for six months or a year after her schooling is over, this puts the finishing touch upon her educational opportunities. Travel is the easiest, the quickest and the most delightful manner of gaining knowledge in the world, while, at the same time, it is what study is not always, an encouragement to social facility.

The young girl must be educated at home as well as away from home. The foundation for such accomplishments as she has a preference for must be laid there and she must prepare there, in however slight a way, for the responsibilities that may rest upon her shoulders when she has a house of her own. For her own training, as well as the relief of her mother, every girl should assume some household duty or duties. But these, unless necessity commands, should not be severe, and occasional laxity in performance should not be dealt with harshly. Young girlhood is a growing time and a dreaming time; and a too stern insistence upon household duties sometimes blights important capabilities of mind and body.

ACQUIRING ACCOMPLISHMENTS

It was an old-fashioned idea that every girl should be equipped with an accomplishment, should cultivate some definite ability to please. The idea was much abused, and resulted in the torture of many innocent persons who were compelled to look at crude sketches, to admire grotesque embroideries and to listen to mediocre performances on the piano. But there was at the bottom of the idea something sound and wholesome. It is vitally important that women should please, should help to make the wheels of life go easily. That was not an ignoble epitaph discovered on an old tombstone in an English churchyard, “She was so pleasant.” Perhaps in the matter of education we are now swinging too far away from the old-fashioned ideal and are too much inclined to regard as trifling a young girl’s special efforts to please. Do we not somewhat puritanically regard the studies one does not like as necessarily more efficacious than those pursued with joy? Drawing, music, the modern languages, the art of reciting or conversation—we speak of these usually not only as secondary in importance to the study of Greek, Latin and mathematics, but as involving little in the way of labor, while the truth is that the pursuit of these subjects not only involves endless labor but a labor that in the end unveils personality and individuality, and makes for original interpretation of life to a degree far exceeding results from the so-called severer branches.

THE DILETTANTE

The theory is generally disseminated that those studies which give most pleasure to one’s self and to others when actually transformed into accomplishments are easy of attainment and demand only the careless and dilettante touch. The elders as well as the youth are much impregnated with this idea. Let a girl understand when she begins to study drawing, the violin, the pianoforte or the art of singing that no success is possible without hard work, that the privilege of lessons will be withdrawn if she does not put effort and determination into her work, and results of a correspondingly good character may be forthcoming.

THOROUGHNESS NECESSARY

For the happiness of themselves and their friends, it is well that young girls should pursue any accomplishment toward which they may have a leaning. Certainly such a pursuit, if entered into with delicacy and vivacity, must increase the sweetness of life by adding to one’s sense of beauty; and it is never trite to say that a thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Pursuit of an accomplishment does not always mean possession, but where it does, even measurably, it means also the power of imparting pleasure to one’s friends, and pleasure that is touched upon and mingled with one’s own individuality. In a day when wealth counts for so much in relation to the bestowal of pleasure, one can scarcely overestimate for those who do not have wealth the value of the personal touch in the entertainment of one’s friends.

CHAPTER XI
THE DÉBUTANTE

A CLEVER young girl, when asked by an acquaintance if she had “come out” yet, answered, “I didn’t come out. I just leaked out.” Doubtless this states the case, in a somewhat slangy manner, for a large number of young women who, gradually and without any set function to serve as introduction, take their places in society. Even for them, however, the year following the close of school duties marks a change in their relation to the social world, while the distinction is much emphasized in the case of young girls to whom the affairs of balls, receptions, teas and calls are a novelty. The date of a girl’s formal entrance into the larger world marks her individual recognition in that world. Before this time she has been a person without social responsibility, not accountable in the social sense. She has been considered in relation to her family, perhaps. Now she stands for herself. She is an object of some curiosity to the public, and the pleasures and duties to which she falls heir deserve some special mention.

THE AGE OF A DÉBUTANTE

The age at which a girl makes her formal appearance on the scene of society varies in different places and with varying conditions. It is rarely under eighteen, seldom over twenty-two, the first being the age at which a girl not desirous of extended education escapes, usually, from the schoolroom, the second being the average age of graduation for the college girl. A girl younger than eighteen is commonly too immature to be considered an interesting member of society, and a certain degree of absurdity attaches to the idea of introducing to the world a girl older than the age last mentioned.

The special function by which a young woman’s family signalizes her entrance to society varies little in different places. In many cities the custom is for the family of the débutante and also for the friends of the family to give some entertainment in her honor. A dinner, a luncheon, a tea, a ball—any one of these festivities is a proper manner of announcing one’s interest in the new member of society and of emphasizing her arrival.

Everything should be done to facilitate for her an extension of acquaintance among those whom it is desirable she should know. It is said that a number of years ago when telephones were a luxury instead of being, as now, a necessity, in southern cities, the advent of the débutante in a house meant always the addition of a name to the telephone directory. This is a somewhat extravagant and florid comment on the idea advanced. But it will serve as an illustration. Particularly is it desirable that the débutante should become acquainted with the older members of the society in which she moves. She is now not only a part of the particular set to which her age assigns her; she is also a part of that larger society to which many ages belong. Her attitude on this question distinguishes her as well-bred or ill-bred. There is nothing more crass and crude than the young girl who has no eyes or ears for anybody out of the particular set of young people to which she belongs. It is the mark of the plebeian.

THE DÉBUTANTE’S WARDROBE

The clothes of the débutante are a matter of importance and her wardrobe should be carefully planned. It is natural that she should wish to look pretty and, as youth itself makes for beauty, given good health and the usual number of features properly distributed, there is no reason why she should not so appear, if some discretion be exercised in the selection of her clothes. It does not lie within the province of this book to stipulate in detail concerning the outfit necessary for this happy result. The purpose of this paragraph is to insist on simplicity of style in the gowns chosen for a girl’s first year in society. Elaborate styles and heavy materials are opposed to the quality of a young girl’s beauty. They kill the loveliness which it is their object to bring out. All her clothes should be made without perceptible elaboration. In ball gowns she should be careful to select light, diaphanous materials,—materials that she can wear at no other time of life to such advantage. Of party gowns she should have a number. Three or four frocks of thin inexpensive materials are far better, if a choice be necessary, than one heavy silk or satin. They are more becoming and the number of them guarantees to their owner perfect freshness and daintiness of appearance. A soiled, bedraggled ball gown is a sorry sight on anybody. It looks particularly ill on a young person whose age entitles her to be compared to lilies and roses.

THE SECOND SEASON

If the truth be told, despite the gaiety and the novelty of a girl’s first year in society, it is not usually so pleasant a year as her second. She has much to learn, and it is the exceptional girl who does not feel a little awkward in her new position. She is prone to exaggerate the importance of small social blunders, and trifles, light as air, occupy a disproportionate place in her horizon. A certain timidity, the result of her unaccustomed position, is characteristic of her. This timidity shows itself either in a stiffness that modifies considerably her proper charm, or in an unnatural bravado of manner, the reverse of pleasing. “Why are you so down on débutantes?”—the writer of this chapter asked of an accomplished young society man. “Because they think it’s clever to be rude,” was the answer. The desire to be very apt, to be “on the spot” and “all there,” as the slang phrase has it,—this is often at the bottom of the apparent rudeness of the young girl. She does not care to show her newness. As a bride wishes it to seem that she has always been married, so a débutante likes to present the appearance of thorough familiarity with the ground upon which she has just arrived.

LOSING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS

Nothing will assist the débutante to self-control and a surer footing so much as contact with people who are somewhat older than herself and who have gained a proper perspective. From them she will learn to be less self-conscious, and this means to be happier and more interesting.

CHAPTER XII
MEN AND WOMEN

THERE is some difference of opinion as to whether properly a man should ask permission to call upon a woman or the woman should confer the favor of her own volition. Sometimes this depends on the age of the woman under consideration. The invitation to call of a mature woman of society is the bestowal of a social favor in a sense different from the same request coming from a young girl. A young girl must be very sure indeed that a man would feel flattered by her invitation before she asks him to call. It is usually safe to assume that, if he does wish the acquaintance to go further than chance meetings, he will find a way to make it known to her, thus saving her the embarrassment of taking the initiative.

THE LENGTH OF A CALL

The time for making calls upon young women varies in different parts of the country. In the larger cities of the East the conventional time is between four and seven o’clock in the afternoon. In smaller towns of the East and in most southern and western places, evening calls are the mode. When the acquaintance between the young man and the young woman in question is slight, a call of half an hour is considered a proper length. When the acquaintance has mellowed into friendship, the length of the call is not prescribed. A sense of propriety will suggest to both when it should come to an end.

If a servant is in waiting when the caller arrives, this domestic should take care of the young man’s hat, coat and stick, or should designate where the caller may place these things. If the young woman herself should chance to open the door, she must designate where he is “to rest his wraps,” as the negroes say. She must not, on any account, assist him in ridding himself of these articles, nor, later, when he leaves, aid him in getting them together. Nice but socially uninstructed girls lay themselves open to severe criticism through exactly such mistaken actions.

If the call is a first call, the young man should be presented to the girl’s mother, and if the girl chooses, to other members of the family. In succeeding calls, according to conventional usage in America, it is merely a happen-so whether members of the young woman’s family are present or not.

One can prescribe no rule as to what young men and young women should talk about. The subjects they may discuss are as numerous as the sands of the sea, and depend upon taste, temperament and education.

As to manner, it is well to insist a little, in these days of brusk camaraderie between the sexes, on the fact that courtesy has many charming opportunities of exhibition in the conversation between men and women. There is a kind of deference that, with no lack of frankness, should be cultivated in the attitude of one sex to the other, a quality that makes for agreeable friendship to a rare degree. If one selects this rather than other agreeable qualities of manner as one to be cultivated in the relation of the sexes, it is because it is one so often neglected.

THE USE OF FIRST NAMES

When a young woman and young man have grown up in the same place and have known each other from childhood, it is proper for them to call each other by their first names, but with acquaintances of maturer years, the occasions for the adoption of this custom should be rare. Nothing is more vulgar for a young woman than an easy and promiscuous habit of addressing Tom, Dick and Harry as such.

A girl should not accept an invitation from a young man before he has called and has been presented to her mother. The invitation once accepted, there are little courtesies which he may pay to her on the occasion of the festivity for which he has asked to accompany her. These courtesies he should not neglect to offer, and she should be gracious in accepting. He may assist her in putting on her wraps. He may put on her overshoes if the weather is damp and a maid be lacking for that purpose. If an extra wrap is demanded he should carry it for her.

In going up-stairs, the girl precedes the man, but in descending, he goes first. In the street a man who is punctilious walks on the outside of the walk, but this rule is less observed than it was formerly. Of course, a man allows a girl to precede him through any doorway. In leaving a street-car, however, he gets off first in order that he may help her alight.

A YOUNG WOMAN’S ESCORT

It is the duty of a young woman’s escort to be looking after her pleasure and comfort in various ways. If he takes her to a dance, he must see, if possible, that her card is filled. If it is not filled, he should sit out with her the unclaimed dances. Ordinarily, a girl does not cross a ballroom unless accompanied by her escort or her chaperon.

AT THE THEATER

If a man takes a girl to the theater he should procure a program for her and should assist her in the removal of her wraps. Whenever accidentally or by arrangement, a man accompanies a woman he should not permit her to carry a package, umbrella or wrap, unless the latter be a light summer wrap which she may prefer to retain. The various opportunities offered men for small services, for little gallantries of conduct, can not be registered in detail. They are too many. It is sufficient to say that young women should encourage men in such amiable habits. Favors of the sort indicated are without cost and yet beyond price. If accepted graciously they react on manners to the advantage of both sexes. They help to make of society the pleasing spectacle which we imagine it to be in our dreams.

Young women who are guests at a box party should sit in the front seats with the men behind them. The writer was witness during the current year of a small-town box party straggling into a city theater, where each girl was awkwardly ranged alongside of her escort. The clumsy unsophisticated air of the party, each Jack beside his Jill, needs no comment.

A young girl should not grant a request for an interchange of letters with a young man without consulting her mother. A young woman should remember in writing to a young man that written words are not like spoken ones and are far more capable of misinterpretation. Though prudence is not a generous quality, it is one to be observed in all letter-writing but that arising out of the most intimate relations.

THE CLEVER NOTE

The subject of letter-writing suggests the miniature accomplishment of note-writing. The art of brief sprightly expression on paper is one that is worth striving for. It is capable of yielding pleasure in many of the relations of life, in none more conspicuously than in the relation between young men and young women. A military man of some distinction was interviewing the lady principal of a girls’ school with reference to placing his daughter there. “What would you like to have her taught?” said the principal. “Some history;” he said meditatively, “an appreciation of good literature, and the art of writing as agreeable a note as her mother did before her.”

A young woman should hesitate to isolate herself from general society by accepting too great an amount of attention from any one man unless she intends to marry him. As long as she is in doubt on this head she has, prudery to the contrary, a right to accept the usual attentions from those men whom she likes. If she is so imprudent as to shut herself off from general companionship before she has reached a decision as to marriage and then decide in the negative, she is likely to suffer for her imprudence. By a ludicrous chance dependent upon the relation of the sexes, the man in the case, if he cares to reenter society, regains it much more easily than she. He can go about and take up dropped threads while she is waiting at home for callers who do not arrive. He is welcomed back with enthusiasm by the girls who thought him lost forever, while her recent avoidance of general society is counted against her.

BECOMING ENGAGED

When a young man finds his affections engaged he should formally ask the girl’s father for her hand and should state his financial condition. This rule of an older civilization than ours is much ridiculed in many sections of our country; and it is true that there are instances where it would not apply, where, for reasons, the young man should make his initial plea to the girl herself. But, generally speaking, the custom is to be commended. A young man may well suppose that a girl’s father will have her best interests at heart. If the young man is serious in his desire for her happiness he will have the courage to ask her of one of the two persons to whom she is dearest.

THE IMPORTANCE OF CHAPERONS

The whole matter of acquaintance between young men and young women is one of supreme importance in that it may lead to results of supreme importance. In view of this fact it is amazing that parents and guardians so often leave this matter to the action of chance, that they do not feel the wisdom of exercising a guiding hand in the choice of associates for the young people under their care. We have a prejudice against the European custom of social espionage over the young. But it is safe to assume that if we had more of such espionage sentimental disasters would not be so frequent as they now are, and more true and lasting friendships between young men and young women would be formed. The older members of the household should take a part in creating the social atmosphere in which their children move. They should cultivate the friendship and acquaintance of young people so that they may be able the more easily and wisely to exert an influence in the right direction. Only the opinion and taste of the person most concerned should be final and decisive in the matter of personal relations, but persuasion and direction are mighty forces to be employed. Especially should parents of attractive young women make it their business to know something about the young men who frequent the house. Said a father of five well-married young women: “I made it a rule in my daughters’ girlhood to allow no young man the entrée to my house who was not eligible in the sense of character and breeding.” It is true that youth and age will not always agree on the qualities of desirable companionship, and it is also true that in these disagreements age is sometimes wrong and youth is right; but this does not interfere with the truth of the statement that maturity should give to youth all the help possible in the frequently momentous choice of friends, particularly of those belonging to the opposite sex.

It is customary, shortly before a wedding, for a girl to give a farewell luncheon to her intimate girl friends, including her bridesmaids, and for a man to entertain his ushers at a dinner or supper party.

It is expected at parties that the gentlemen present will attend on the ladies, in the old-fashioned word “wait” on them. Yet at many such affairs one sees the men congregated in the hall, eating their salads and ices, while the women are ungallantly left to themselves. Servants may supply them with refreshments if the hostess has so planned, but the attendance is required just the same.

THE WELL-BRED MAN

A well-bred man will not in general society make a marked distinction in the courtesy he shows to a woman who is unusually attractive and her companion who is less fortunate. He will ask the plainer woman to dance and will see that she has ices, and he may find, after all, some unexpected reward in a quality of hidden charm beneath the unpromising exterior. Generosity in social situations is a severe test of character and for that reason it is seen less often than one would wish. The man who joins a woman sitting conspicuously alone and devotes himself to her entertainment if for only a quarter of an hour deserves all the warm unspoken gratitude that is sure to be felt by the woman.

A girl should be careful not to mistake the merely polite attentions of a man for the advances of a lover. Men are afraid of such a girl because of the embarrassments that ensue, while they feel “safe” with a sensible one who can be friendly without becoming sentimental and who does not view every man she dances with as a possible husband.

LUNCHING AT A CLUB

A woman who is invited by a man to take luncheon with him at his club will find a side entrance reserved for the use of ladies, and a parlor where she may be joined by her escort.

A MAN’S LEAVE-TAKING

When a man is saying good-by to a group of ladies, he should, on leaving the room, turn his back as little as possible.

CHAPTER XIII
COEDUCATION SOCIALLY CONSIDERED

THE idea of coeducation is a peculiarly American idea. Perhaps nowhere else in the world do such large bodies of young men and young women meet together for purposes of study and, at the same time, enjoy together such social freedom as is the case in the coeducational institutions of the United States. One may question the wisdom of the coeducational idea, but as to its popularity there can be no doubt. Coeducation is not only with us, but, if indications are correct, it has come to stay.

Its opponents say that men and women do not work together so well as apart, that the distraction of sex in coeducational institutions is such as to prevent both men and women from making the highest intellectual effort in their power. The advocates of the system contend that the contact of the sexes in school is a source of improvement to the manners of both, that it makes young men more courteous and young women less sentimental. The friends of the movement also say that men and women are stimulated to their best endeavor by the presence of the opposite sex; and that, as the masculine and the feminine intellects differ, one being complementary to the other, so men and women, studying together, gain a rounded conception of the subject in hand not possible otherwise.

THE SOCIAL AMENITIES

This article is not concerned with the pros and cons of the argument, only with the questions suggested by the freedom and facility with which young people meet one another in coeducational schools. It is easy to say that the usual social conventions should be observed, as of course they should; but it is not hard to see that the somewhat informal conditions under which young people meet in these institutions, make a strict adherence to the code a matter of difficulty. Eighteen is the average age at which young people enter college. They are scarcely men and women, yet they are too old for schoolboy and girl pranks, in which, however, they often feel tempted to indulge. Many young men and young women start to college without social experience. They may belong to good families whose essential ideals of conduct are stanch and fine, but to families in which hard work and financial stress have crowded out the knowledge and practise of social amenities. The youth of the students concerned, the inexperience of many, the variety in previous training and inheritance make the question of social relations much more complicated than it would be in the towns or cities from which the various students come and where each one belongs by custom and birth to a well-defined circle of friends.

FORMING FRIENDSHIPS

A golden piece of advice for those entering college, though one not easy to follow, is: “Be slow in forming your friendships.” The friendships you make with the members of your own sex influence decidedly your friendships with the other and both should be entered into with deliberation. Better be somewhat lonely in the beginning of college life than precipitate relations with those whom you may later come to distrust. Let a young woman wait, take time to survey the situation coolly and dispassionately, before she decides which one, if any, of the Greek societies which solicit her attention she will enter. Do not let her be carried away by the “rushing,” the spreads, the flatteries, the flowers that may be used to influence her decision. She will be all the more valued by the sorority that gets her if she holds off a little until her own mind and judgment have rendered an answer to invitation. And, in the same relative situation, the same word of warning applies to young men. It is in place here to say in regard to the Greek societies that the pleasure and profit derived by the members from such membership should not lead them to a selfish disregard of those outside. The tendency to work only for one’s fraternity or sorority and to find fellowship or friendship nowhere else is recognized as a narrowing influence in these organizations.

COLLEGE PRECEDENTS

Each college, coeducational or otherwise, has its local etiquette that has risen out of its history. Certain things can be done by seniors, for instance, that would not be tolerated in freshmen; certain other things that have no reference to the general rules of society are barred because of a collegiate caprice that has been transformed into law. With this unwritten but binding etiquette the student soon becomes acquainted. If he runs counter to it, he is brought up sharply and made to realize the penalty. The etiquette of common sense, which should guide the relations between young men and women, is of another sort and, owing to the exigencies of the case, must largely be expressed by negative admonitions. The first of these is, do not feel that absence from home gives you privileges to do what you would not do at home. The word “lark” is an enticing one, but young men and young women do not indulge in “larks” together without paying up. Anything that involves secrecy in the good times of young men and young women away at school should be avoided.

AVOID FAMILIARITY

The frequency with which young people of two sexes meet one another in coeducational schools leads them easily into the habit of calling each other by their first names, and into the worse one of adopting nicknames. The advice of Punch is in place. Don’t. Friendship does not mean familiarity. Indeed familiarity is its greatest foe. When a young girl allows a young man to call her by her first name, unless engaged to him, she cheapens his regard for her by just so much.

It often happens that the dormitories or boarding-houses where students live do not afford attractive reception rooms. A young woman shrinks from receiving calls from her young men acquaintances in ugly surroundings and in a room filled perhaps with uncongenial girls or those indifferent to her. It is not improper, under these circumstances, that she should see her men friends elsewhere,—at the college library, at the house of some married friend or in the course of a walk planned beforehand. But it is in wretched taste for her to loiter on the streets with a young man, to stop on corners for talk, to walk back and forth repeatedly from college to boarding-place in his company. Again good sense says, “Don’t.”

EXCHANGE OF PHOTOGRAPHS

Exchanging photographs is regarded as one of the special privileges of college life. It would be interesting to know how large a per cent. of the income made by photographers in the United States comes from college students. The exchange of photographs between young men and young women in the same class in college is allowable. Such exchange is, in a sense, official and impersonal, and is warranted by that fact. When a young woman bestows her photograph under such circumstances she should write upon it the name of the college and the date of the class. This will indicate clearly that the giving is not a matter of sentiment. The promiscuous exchange of photographs between young men and young women at college is bad. Only a brother or a lover or an old friend should be the recipient of a young woman’s likeness. There is something too intimate about such a gift to make it an object of general distribution.

One more “Don’t” occurs to the writer as applicable to the relations of young men and women as fellow students. Don’t use the college slang or jargon when you talk together. If it is impossible to keep it altogether out of the talk, use as little of it as possible. Men students may carry on conversation through this medium and it is sometimes very funny, but it was not intended for feminine purposes. It is disgusting to hear a young man speak to a young woman in the terms he would use in addressing his chum. On the other hand it is the attempted mannishness of tone popular with some women students that prejudices many worthy people against coeducational schools. The use of college slang outside the boundaries of college life is bad form even for a man, and gives a provincial tone to his talk.

CLASS FESTIVITIES

The opportunities for special festivities are many in coeducational life, and there is a strong temptation to overdo on the social side. Class dances and receptions, fraternity and sorority parties, commencement gaieties offer frequent allurement. A student, woman or man, should sift out this matter of recreation in his own mind and should determine how much pleasure of this kind he can afford financially and without detriment to his health or his class standing. Some social diversion he needs. To develop on the mental side only is a mistake. Too much diversion is a far more serious mistake.

It goes without saying that, at the parties given by students, there should be proper chaperonage. This is particularly necessary in entertainments, often quite elaborate in character, given in chapter houses of the fraternities. The fact that young men are hosts to the young women on such occasions makes it the more necessary that chaperons should be numerous and not too vivacious in character.

THE DEAN OF WOMEN

There should be in every coeducational school a dean of women. The duties of such a position include regulation, as far as possible, of social relations between the young men and young women of the institution as well as actual instruction, if necessary, on the more important matters of social etiquette. In this official, young girls of the institution should find a friend to whom they may go for advice on vexed questions. Where there is no formal office of the kind named, the service indicated may sometimes be rendered by women members of the faculty. Some years ago, in a western town, the Chair of English Literature was occupied by a woman who took upon herself the burden of improving the manners of the student body, largely composed of sturdy young farmers and girls from country towns. Once a year in the college chapel, she gave a lecture on this subject in which she stated plainly what she thought necessary for the social improvement of the school. Many a young man was helped over awkward places by her advice; many a young woman saved from some escapade which she might have blushed later to own. The value of such instruction is inestimable.

When opportunity offers for consultation with such a guide and teacher, the uninstructed student should avail himself of it. When such a privilege is not procurable, one’s own sense of propriety, if diligently sought for and obeyed, will often lead one out of an awkward situation for which one does not know the formal rule.

HIGH-SCHOOL PARTIES

Many parents who intend to send their daughters to women’s colleges allow them to take a preparatory course in a coeducational high school. The best high schools of that character now take the very important precaution of hiring a dean, whose duty it is especially to watch over the girl students. High-school sororities and all secret organizations are frowned on if not positively prohibited in these schools, as it has been demonstrated that they interfere with proper attention to studies and lead to many undesirable relationships. Class hops and receptions suitably chaperoned furnish sufficient diversion. One hopes that one of the results of the appointing of deans in the high schools will be a change in the manner of dressing of many high-school girls. It is too often both inartistic and in bad taste. A schoolgirl should be dressed prettily, but in a quiet and appropriate way.

CHAPTER XIV
THE CHAPERON

IN some parts of America the chaperon is, like Sairey Gamp’s interesting friend, “Mrs. Harris,”—a mere figment of the imagination. Nowhere in America does she occupy the perfectly defined position that she holds in Europe; nowhere in America are her duties so arduous as those imposed on her in older countries. The idea that a chaperon for young people is necessary on all occasions offends the taste of the American. It is even opposed to his code of good manners. That a young woman should never be able in her father’s house to receive, without a guardian, the young men of her acquaintance, is alien to the average American’s ideal of good breeding and of independence in friendship. In addition, his sense of humor sets down constant attendance on the very young as a bore and wearisome in the extreme.

A young business or professional woman dispenses with any protection except that afforded her by her work itself. Some years ago a young southern woman, forced to earn her living, and who had become a reporter in Washington, made herself absurd by taking a duenna with her whenever she went out to gather news. Perhaps it is unnecessary to say that no girl can afford to call on a man at his office except on an errand of business or charity.

DOING WITHOUT CHAPERONS

Because of these prejudices current concerning the idea of chaperonage, because of this mode of considering the subject, characteristically American, it is all the more necessary that the line should be sharply drawn as to the occasions where the consensus of usage and good sense declares a chaperon to be indispensable. The sense of the best American conventionalities, broadly speaking, is that a young woman may have greater liberty in her father’s house than elsewhere. A young man who frequents a house for the purpose of calling on a young woman should be on terms with the members of her family, but it is not taken for granted that he must spend every minute of his visits in their presence, or that the young woman should feel that she is acting unconventionally in receiving his calls by herself. It is unconventional, however, for her to take with him long evening drives without a chaperon, or to go on any sort of prolonged outdoor excursion, be the party large or small, without a chaperon. Driving parties, fishing parties, country-club parties, sailing parties, picnics of every kind,—here the chaperon is indispensable. No one can tell what accidents or delays may occur at festivities of this kind that might render a prolonged absence embarrassing and awkward without the chaperon.

THE CHAPERON’S DUTIES

Any married woman may act as chaperon. “Young and twenty” may chaperon “fat and forty” if the former has the prefix “Mrs.” before her name and the latter is still of the “Miss” period. It is often very amusing to hear young matrons talk of their experience in chaperoning their elders. The office is one that the newly married woman likes to assume both because of its privileges and because it seems to emphasize her new dignities.

In consequence of the fact that the frivolous and light-minded young married woman is quite as apt to be called upon to fill the office of chaperon as a person of more responsible qualities, the duties of this position are often less considered than its advantages. To some extent the duties and the privileges melt together, but not entirely. When, for instance, a bachelor, or a married man whose wife is out of town, entertains young unmarried people with a theater party and a supper afterward at restaurant or club, and asks a married woman of his acquaintance to act as chaperon, he expects to pay her more attention and courtesy than he will give to other guests, while at the same time expecting from her an assumption of some of the duties of hostess for the occasion. He may send her flowers if he chooses. She must have the seat of honor in the front of the box engaged at the theater and, later, the seat of honor at the supper party.

THE CHAPERON’S PRIVILEGES

In return she must exercise her power of pleasing generally and not for the benefit only of the two or three of the party whom she likes best. Her surveillance of the company is, of course, merely nominal. It is taken for granted in civilized society that young people will behave properly. A chaperon is merely the official sign that the proprieties are observed. She is not an instructress and is not likely to be asked to fill the position of chaperon more than once if she assumes to be. Her presence prevents embarrassment and embarrassing situations. It should also act upon the guests as an amalgamating agent. At a party of the description given, her business is to mix agreeably the different elements of the company.

The duties and privileges of acting as chaperon, in such circumstances, are of so pleasant a kind that the office is a coveted one. Attractive women are much more apt to be asked to fill the position than unattractive ones, except when a chaperon is regarded simply as an offering on the altar of propriety.

Generally speaking, the duties of a chaperon are somewhat various, and more or less arduous, according to the quality of those chaperoned. These duties depend so largely upon circumstances that they are not easily classified. It is, of course, the part of the chaperon to smooth over awkward situations, to arrange and make smooth the path of pleasure. It is the duty of the chaperoned to agree without demur to whatever the chaperon may suggest. On any debatable point her decision must be regarded as final.

CHAPERONS AT A BALL

A personal and individual chaperon for every young girl is not necessary at a ball. It is expedient, however, that there should be some one present who, on demand, can act in that capacity for her,—some married woman with whom she may sit out a dance, if she be not provided with a partner, or whom she may consult in any of the small difficulties possible to the occasion. If a young woman attend a ball in company with her mother or some other matron, she should return each time, after a dance, to the seat occupied by her chaperon and should direct her several partners to find her there. In case she dances with any one unknown to her chaperon, it goes perhaps without saying that the man in the case should be presented properly to the friend in charge of her.

The question as to whether a young man must ask the services of a chaperon when he invites one young woman to accompany him to the theater is answered differently in different parts of the country. In the East a man who asks a young woman to go with him to the opera or the play, often invites her mother or some feminine married friend to accompany them. In the West this usage is not so common. Those who do not observe it are not regarded as outside the pale of good form.

ON OUTDOOR EXCURSIONS

A DUTCH TREAT

In the case of outdoor excursions the chaperon should fix the hour of departure to and from the place of festivity; she should group the guests for the journey there and back, and should designate their positions at the table if a meal or refreshments be served. The duty of the chaperoned, is, in return, to make the position of chaperon as agreeable as possible, to defer to her in every way. The favor, in the case of chaperonage, is conferred by the chaperon, though the actions of certain crude young people are no recognition of this fact. A case in point occurs to the writer where a young man and his wife were asked to chaperon a party of young people to a popular rendezvous twelve or fourteen miles from the city in which they lived. The married people, after much urging, consented with some reluctance, thereby sacrificing a cherished plan of their own. Going and coming they were asked to take the back seat, which they occupied by themselves,—a seat over the wheels of the large vehicle provided. During the country supper they sat at one end of the table where their presence was conversationally ignored. When the time came for returning home the married man was approached by one of the originators of the party, who said that the affair was a “Dutch treat,” and would he (the married man) please pay his share of the bill. This is, of course, an extraordinary case, but in a gross way it illustrates the lack of consideration often incident to the relation between chaperon and chaperoned. That the obligation to the chaperon should be properly recognized is an important part of social training.

CHAPTER XV
THE MATTER OF DRESS

TO be comfortably and becomingly clothed is an acknowledged aspiration of most women and many men. The time to be ashamed of such an aspiration is now happily gone by with some other detrimental puritanical notions, and we cheerfully give ourselves to the love of pretty things for personal adornment as we do to beauty in other directions. That too much time may be spent in the thought about, and selection of, clothes is true, also that extravagance of expenditure and other vices are the price of such vanity. On the other hand, it is as true, though not so directly and obviously so, that a lack of attention to dress leads equally to disaster. The badly-gowned woman is apt to be self-conscious, not in possession of her best self; and too often she carries the thought of dress exactly to the place where her mind should be free of such reflections. One should not wear more than one can successfully “carry off.” Care about the details of dress should be left behind when one goes visiting or appears anywhere in public. If one’s toilet has been thought out and attended to properly before leaving home, one’s mind is then free for the entertainment of other subjects. If this important matter is suggested to one only by the unhappy contrast between one’s appearance and that of the people about one, then unless one is possessed of a particularly strong mind, the pleasure of the occasion in question is nullified, the possible profit to be derived from it is cut off.

THE GOSPEL OF GOOD GOWNS

Self-consciousness does away with the easy use of one’s faculties and renders them stiff and unpliable. Trim appropriate clothing has a tendency to make the wearer happy and is an encouragement to a comfortable and lively temper of mind. I remember hearing a humorous old clergyman say that he was frequently called upon to endure the recital of her miseries from a very untidy woman of his congregation and to prescribe advice therefor. At last with him truth came to the surface, and a thought that had long lain dormant in his mind found expression on the final occasion of her request for counsel from him. “Madam,” he said, “I believe you would be a much happier woman if you combed your hair becomingly and put on a fresh gown oftener.” The matter of dress is at once a serious and, to a beauty-loving temperament, a charming consideration. To some extent it has to do with character and much to do with happiness. Some moralists to the contrary notwithstanding, the becomingness or the unbecomingness of what one wears reacts upon the wearer and makes her distrustful or confident, timid or courageous, and this in a not unworthy sense.

If the subject of dress is important, the consideration we give to it should be of a correspondingly dignified and orderly character. There is a happy medium between spending too much and too little time on the thought of what we wear. At regular periods, say at least twice a year, the matter should be taken up with some care, the needs of one’s wardrobe investigated, the amount of money at one’s disposal for such purposes be determined upon.

IF THE PURSE IS SMALL

If one’s purse is so large that the question is only one of purchase, of consulting good outfitters and dressmakers, there is still room for neat and methodical management. If one’s purse is small, orderly and businesslike management is a necessity. One should study one’s appearance and find out for one’s self what colors, what tendencies in fashion are becoming to one, and resolutely strike others off the list. Reason, not fancy, nor altogether fashion, should guide one in the choice of fabrics and tints. One’s manner of life should be considered in the selection of gowns, and the appropriate thing picked out for the anticipated occasion. A train on the street, velvet in the morning, no matter what may seem to be worn by extremists, could never be in taste. Veils that are so heavy as to seem disguises or so ornamented that they give the wearer, at a little distance, the appearance of having a skin disease, should be left to the women who wish to startle.

THE STREET GOWN

The most important gown to be taken into account is the street gown, the garb in which one appears every day and before the largest number of people. That one should look well all the days of the week is more important and convincing than that one should look well for the particular and infrequent occasion. If one must choose between a good day-in-and-day-out gown and one of a more elaborate and decorative description, the preference should be given to the tailor or street gown. One would better invest in a cloth costume of good material and cut, and wear this unchanged through more than one season than indulge in two or three of cheaper mold that reflect unsteadily the passing mode. This gown may serve not only for street but, with various waists, may develop other uses than that of outdoor wear. The changes possible in accessories will make it available for calls, teas, afternoon receptions and the theater.

BETWEEN SEASONS

Many women who dress fairly well in summer and in winter, fail to provide themselves with suitable attire for the intervening seasons. Spring finds them with only a fur-trimmed cloak, and in early fall they are still wearing thin midsummer frocks. In our changeable climate, clothing of various weights is absolutely necessary to make a good appearance. All fur coats are seldom suitable, and for this reason should be left for those who can buy as many garments as they choose. Good separate furs are a much wiser investment for a woman of limited means. White kid gloves for marketing and shopping, even if one can afford them, are out of taste because out of place.

For a woman who goes to balls and dinners, however infrequently, a good low-cut gown of some description is indispensable. Women who have lived quiet provincial lives and are called upon to grace a wider social sphere are not always aware of this. They provide themselves with appropriate gowns of other descriptions, but they feel afraid of the gown made especially for evening wear. They have a foolish fear sometimes of trying, by this means, to look younger than they are or of making themselves conspicuous in the wearing of such a frock. Conspicuousness lies in the other direction. Full dress is the proper wear for metropolitan entertainments after six o’clock in the evening, and full dress means a dress coat for a man and a low-cut frock of appropriate material for a woman. Avoidance of embarrassment means the adoption of this conventional wear. A woman who has reached an age when her neck has begun to wither in front is not, however, an object of beauty when décolleté. She will do well to wear a jeweled collar or a band of velvet or tulle.

WHAT IS FULL DRESS

To the indispensable items just mentioned may be added theater gowns, dinner gowns, ball gowns, outing costumes, tea gowns, negligees,—a bewildering variety of attire suited not only to every feminine need but answering to every feminine caprice. Few words are necessary to those women whose purse is equal to the purchase of all the feminine fripperies dear to a woman’s heart. Dealers and experienced modistes are always at hand to offer serviceable advice to those who have the wherewithal to pay for it, though one should not take, without weighing it, even the best advice of this sort. Try to be intelligent about your clothes and to show a little individuality. Only this bit of counsel is perhaps in season to those who may have measurably what they choose in the way of wearing apparel. Preserve some sort of equality between the different items of your toilet. Do not have a splendid theater gown and a shabby negligee. Do not wear fine furs over an inferior street gown. Do not wear heavy street boots with a velvet evening gown. Arrange the articles of your wardrobe so that they bear some sort of happy relation to one another, so that one article may not be ashamed to be found in the company of any other, so that your clothes may seem to be the harmonious possession of one person, not the happen-so belongings of a half-dozen varying temperaments.

THE GOWN AND ITS WEARER

There are persons,—we all know them,—whose happy attire is always calling forth some such remark as,—“That looks precisely like her,” or “She and the gown were made for each other.” This sort of relation between person and wardrobe is the most charming outcome possible to the consideration of personal adornment. It gives dignity and distinct esthetic value to the subject of clothes. Let us have no more red on blondes, and let over-stout women leave plaids and checks alone. Thin girls should wear frills and leave plain-tailored clothes to plumpness. With the woman of means, this harmony need not be, though it often is, occasional. It may be constant and if she is a person of esthetic temperament she may gain from this happy relation between herself and her clothes a soul-satisfying sense of bliss not to be gained from any other source in the world. Over-dressing is, of course, avoided by women of taste.

IMPORTANCE OF ACCESSORIES

Many women who have little to spend put nearly the lump sum into gowns. This is a mistake of the gravest sort. The effect of the prettiest gown may be spoiled by an ill-fitting corset, by gloves that are no longer fresh and by shoes that are not trim and suitable to the occasion. White gloves should be white, and white shoes likewise, or they should not be worn. The proper accessories of dress, among which are veils, belts, ruchings and collars, often give to an otherwise plain costume, the effect of something chic and telling.

HOW TO PUT ON A HAT

Becoming head-gear is of the utmost importance. “A hat,” said an apt society woman of the writer’s acquaintance, “should bear the same relation to other parts of one’s costume that the title of a story does to the story itself. This article of dress should be at once the key and the consummation of the effect intended.” The fashion in hats varies with great rapidity from year to year, and one should be careful to avoid the extremes of style. Only a face of great beauty can stand the precipitous, fantastic slants and curves that mark the ultra fashionable in millinery. If one is so fortunate as to find sometime a shape that is decidedly becoming, one should follow through life its general outline with modifications sufficient to conform in a general way to passing modes. Form the habit of putting your hats on from the back, thus pushing the loose hair about the face slightly forward. The plainest face is softened and beautified by a fluffy arrangement of the hair about the temple. Nothing is more fatal to good looks than a high bald forehead. Many women make a fatal mistake in their preference for big hats. The picture-hat is only suited to the large and picturesque type. Large hats make little women look like mushrooms, and frequently they take away all distinction and individuality from the face beneath.

Many a charming costume is spoiled by a failure to realize that the feet must be dressed in harmony with the rest of the costume. Too many women, otherwise attractive in appearance, wear shoes with scuffed toes and run-down heels, the latter due to a bad habit of turning the foot over in walking. This can be corrected easily by having the shoe built up at the sole on the opposite side by the insertion of a piece of thick leather, which any shoe-mender will do very cheaply. One is then forced to use the foot properly.

CHOICE IN JEWELS

Women otherwise tasteful in dress are often careless and unthoughtful in the jewels they wear. In gowns and millinery they would not think of wearing colors that clash and fight, yet they do not establish a correspondence between clothes and jewels worn, between trinkets and the quality of personal appearance. They wear the contents of their jewel-boxes irrespective of suitability, indifferent as to season of night or day. A profusion of jewels, or the wearing of various and hostile stones at one time, is to be avoided as the pestilence. A jewel, like a fine picture, needs background, space to show it off. In the company of many other jewels it loses identity and distinction, and fails in conferring these qualities upon the wearer. In choosing precious stones it is a good rule to establish some sort of relation between their color and the eyes of the wearer. Turquoise intensifies the hue of blue eyes, topaz that of brown ones, and emeralds are particularly becoming to women whose eyes have a greenish tinge.

Color is so important an element of success in every department of dress that its study should be a part of the education of every woman who wishes to be well gowned. The correspondence between the color of the gown and the appearance of the person who is to wear it is of more importance than the quality of the texture employed. Hue and fit make for becomingness to a greater extent than elegance in material, though the latter is also an element of beauty in an all-round conception of the subject. A feeling for textures is rare, but it may be cultivated, and the effort to do this is worth making.

INDIVIDUALITY IN DRESS

Some women who are timid as to their ability to combine colors and tones, plunge into black as a safe refuge or adopt a standard color which they regard as “safe” for all occasions. This is a poor way out of the difficulty. Resolute study and a little experimenting will yield better results and an agreeable variety. A woman should study her “points” in the light of day before a full-length mirror, and once she has really learned what becomes her she should allow no milliner or modiste to coax her into “the latest cry.” There is no such thing as the “tyranny of fashion” for the woman who dresses intelligently. She will never be either in or out of the mode.

Neatness is unquestionably an element of that indefinable thing we call style, though many women who are neat are not modish. Neatness is the integrity of dress, the essential foundation to which all good things may be added. To a woman whose love for dress is allied to the thirst for perfection in that branch, untidiness is more than distasteful. If “extra” hair must be worn, it should be moderate in quantity, of the best quality and most skilfully arranged. Face powder, carelessly put on, makes a woman look ridiculous. An open placket is viewed by a fastidious woman as something like disgrace. Broken shoe-laces, gaps between belt and skirt, soiled neckwear, crookedness in the arrangement of gowns and other evidences of careless dressing are abhorrent to her. Neatness, freshness and suitability in the wardrobe are more important items than elaboration and cost. The person who suggests these desirable qualities in the manner of her attire, whether she has a large or a small amount of money to be expended in clothes, is sure to present an agreeable appearance. If to these qualities she adds a scent for novelty and style, she may hope to be, as far as clothes are concerned, “very smart indeed.” If beyond this she have the artist’s gift, she may make herself better than “smart,” she may be beautiful.

MINOR POINTS IN DRESS

One minor point: the handkerchief, when not in actual use, should be invisible. It is a concession to nature, and to carry it in the hand, tuck it in the belt or up the sleeve is provincial. A muff or a party bag of dainty texture may serve to hide it in lieu of a pocket.

HAPHAZARD DRESSING

At women’s parties in this country one sees a variety of costumes not all suited to the occasion. The hostess at a luncheon may wear a white lingerie dress, one of her guests will be in a shirt-waist costume, a second in white satin and the rest in quiet silks or in elegant chiffon waists and cloth or velvet skirts. The picture is spoiled by this haphazard dressing. The majority were correctly attired but the shirt-waist and the white satin were equally wrong. The hostess who knows that any one of her guests may be compelled to dress with exceptional plainness will help to make that person comfortable by wearing a quiet gown herself. Except at very intimate affairs it is wiser, however, to decline an invitation than to make an embarrassingly poor appearance.

At afternoon receptions one often sees the hostess and her assistants in elaborate gowns, while many of the callers are in tailored street costume. This again spoils the picture. If a woman expects to attend afternoon affairs she should have an afternoon gown.

Highly polished finger-nails of a length to suggest claws, are bad form though one sees them on women who ought to know better. The nails should be carefully filed—not trimmed—to a shape only slightly pointed, they should show the pretty half-moon at the base and may bear a slight polish but no artificial coloring. To keep the half-moon plainly visible, gently push back the scarf-skin at the base of the nail daily with an orange-wood stick. A little cold cream rubbed in nightly around the edges of the nails is a great help. No sharp instrument should ever be used to clean the nails. The orange-wood sticks are best adapted to this purpose. Peroxide will remove stains.

A WORD ON GLOVES

Suède gloves are softer in appearance and more elegant than the glacé ones, but as they soil more quickly and clean less readily they should not be attempted by women of limited means. A delicately colored glove is more artistic with many costumes than a pure white one, but here again practicability must be counted, as the light-colored glove will seldom clean well and the white one does. A woman who must carefully consider the cost of her dressing will, if she is clever, plan mezzo-tinted costumes which are artistic and becoming and which do not demand light or white gloves.

Transparent blouses that display the under-clothing are bad form. If very sheer material is used, a special slip should be worn under the blouse. Very thin hose are equally objectionable. Perfume of any sort is now taboo beyond the elusive scent of lavender or violet sachets in one’s dresser drawers, or a dash of toilet water in the bath.

DRESSING FOR CHURCH

One’s dress at church should invariably be quiet. This is prescribed not only by taste but by consideration for others who may be present and who may be of more limited means. A church is of all places the one in which to avoid exciting envy by costly apparel.

One of the mistaken ideas held by women who are just becoming sensitive to effects in dress is that everything should match. The result in such cases if not positively bad is usually dull and monotonous. The woman who wears with her blue suit a blue hat with a blue feather and a blue veil, a blue waist and blue gloves and shoes, is a nightmare. A black hat, an écru veil, gray gloves perhaps—in these ways relief and variety must be obtained. In choosing colors, the skin, hair and eyes should all be considered. It is an exploded idea that brunettes should cling to brown. Much depends on the complexion.

CHAPTER XVI
MAKING AND RECEIVING GIFTS

WEDDING gifts may be sent any time after the wedding cards are issued. They are sent to the bride, and may be as expensive and elaborate, or as simple and inexpensive, as the means of the sender make proper. An invitation to a church wedding, and not to the reception, precludes the necessity of making a wedding-present. Indeed the matter of wedding-presents admits of more freedom each year and many people make it a rule to send gifts only to intimate friends and relatives. Perhaps this state of affairs has been brought about by the fact that among a certain—or uncertain—class, invitations were sometimes issued with the special purpose of calling forth a number of presents,—in fact, for revenue only. Few persons acknowledge this of themselves, but sometimes a bride was met who was so indiscreet or so void of taste as to confess her hope that all the persons whom she invited to her nuptials would be represented by remembrances in gold, silver, jewelry or napery. The pendulum has swung as far in the opposite direction, and fewer wedding gifts than of old are sent from politeness alone.

Suitable gifts for a bride are silver, cut-glass, table linen, pictures, books, handsome chairs or tables, rugs, bric-à-brac and jewelry. In fact, anything for the new home is proper. It is not customary to send wearing apparel, except when this is given by some member of the bride’s family. A check made out to the bride is always a handsome gift. The parents of the wife-to-be frequently give the small silver.

MARKING THE SILVER

How should the silver be marked? is sometimes asked. Good form demands that if the donor wishes to have his gift marked, it must be engraved with the bride’s maiden initials. Some persons are so thoughtful that they send silver with the request that it be returned after the ceremony by the bride for marking as she sees fit. She then returns it to the firm from which it was bought,—said firm having received an order from the donor to engrave it according to the owner’s wishes.

Still, if silver must be given marked, it is safe to have the initials of the bride put upon it. Even should she die, good taste and conventionality would forbid the use of her silver by the second wife,—should there be one. While on this melancholy side of the subject it would be well to state that when a wife dies, leaving a child, and the husband remarries, her silver is packed away for the child’s use in future years. This is demanded by custom and conventionality. This rule is especially to be regarded if the child be a girl, as she then has a right to the mother’s silver, marked with that mother’s name.

ACKNOWLEDGING GIFTS

A wedding gift is accompanied by the donor’s card,—usually enclosed in a small card-envelope. As soon as possible, the bride-to-be writes a personal letter of thanks. This must be cordial, and in the first person, somewhat in this form:

“425 Cedar Terrace, Milton, Pa.

“My Dear Mrs. Hamilton:

“The beautiful picture sent by Mr. Hamilton and yourself has just arrived, and I hasten to thank you for your kind thought of me. The subject is one of which I am especially fond, and the picture will do much toward making attractive the walls of our little home. It will always serve to remind Mr. Allen and myself of you and Mr. Hamilton.

“Gratefully yours,
“Mary Brown.

“June nineteenth, nineteen hundred and five.”

If a gift arrives so late that it can not be acknowledged before the wedding, the wife must write as soon as possible after the ceremony,—even during the first days of her honeymoon. To neglect to do this is an unpardonable rudeness.

The wedding gifts may be displayed in a room by themselves on the wedding-day, but must not be accompanied by the cards of the donors. In spite of arguments pro and con, it is certainly in better taste to remove the cards before the exhibition. If there are so many present that there is any danger of the bride’s forgetting from whom the different articles came, let some member of the family keep a list, or take an inventory, before the cards are taken off. Some persons attach to each gift a tiny slip of paper bearing a number. In a little book is a corresponding number after which is written the name of the sender.

The rules that apply to wedding-presents apply also to the gifts sent at wedding anniversaries, be they wooden, tin, crystal, silver or golden anniversaries.

ENGAGEMENT GIFTS

Engagement presents are frequently sent to the fiancée, but this is entirely a matter of taste or inclination, and is not demanded by fashion or conventionality. Contributions to linen showers may be included among the engagement gifts. The fashion of such “showers” is ephemeral,—a fact not to be regretted.

WHAT A MAN MAY GIVE

A word or more is not out of place concerning the kind of gifts that a young man may make with propriety to a young woman with whom he is on agreeable terms. Flowers, books, candy,—these are gifts that he may make without offense, and she may receive without undue or unpleasant sense of obligation. If he be an old and intimate friend of her family, he may offer her small trinkets, or ornamental, semi-useful articles, such as a card-case, or a bonbonnière. Anything intended solely for use is proscribed. If a young man is engaged to a young woman the possible choice of gifts is, of course, much enlarged. Even then, however, very expensive gifts are not desirable. They lessen somewhat the charm of the relation between the two.

When a baby is born, the friends of the happy mother send her some article for the new arrival. It may be a dainty dress or flannel skirt, a cloak, cap or tiny bit of jewelry. These gifts the young mother is not supposed to acknowledge until she is strong enough to write letters without fear of weariness. As a rule some member of her family writes in her stead, expressing the mother’s thanks.

When a baby is christened, it is customary for the sponsors to make the little one a present. This is usually a piece of silver,—as a cup, a bowl, marked with the child’s name; or a silver spoon, knife and fork may be given. The godparents give as a rule, something that will prove durable, or a gift that the child may keep all his life, rather than an article of wearing apparel.

A guest invited to a christening party may bring a gift, if he wishes to do so. This may be anything that fancy dictates. A pretty present for such an occasion is a “Record” or “Baby’s Biography,” handsomely bound and illustrated, containing blanks for the little one’s weight at birth and each succeeding year, for the record of his first tooth, the first word uttered, the first step taken, and so on, as well as spaces for the insertion of a lock of the baby-hair, progressive photographs, and other trifles dear to the mother’s heart. All christening gifts may be orally acknowledged by the mother when the guest presents them.

CHRISTMAS GIFTS

The custom of making Christmas presents is so universal that it would seem superfluous to offer any suggestion with regard to them, had not the dear old custom been so abused that the lovers of Christmas must utter their protest. It should be borne in mind that the only thing that makes a Christmas gift worth while is the thought that accompanies it. When it is given because policy, habit or conventionality demands it, it is a desecration. If we must make any presents from a sense of duty, let it be on birthdays, on wedding-days, on other anniversaries,—never on the anniversary of the Great Gift to the World. If the spirit of good will to man does not prompt the giving, that giving is in vain. Nor should a present at this time be sent simply because one expects to receive a reminder in the shape of a present from a friend. A quid pro quo is not a true Christmas remembrance.

TO PREVENT DUPLICATION

Let us suppose then, that the making of holiday presents is a pleasure. To simplify matters we would suggest that those who have a large circle of friends to whom they rejoice to give presents retain over to another year the list made the year previous. Not only will this keep in mind the person whom they would remember, but it will prevent duplicating presents. One woman learned to her dismay that for two years she had sent the same picture—a favorite with her—to a dear friend, while another sent a friend silver button-hooks for three consecutive Christmases.

SINCERE GRATITUDE

All gifts, those of the holiday season included, should be promptly acknowledged, and never by a card marked “Thanks.” If a present is worth any acknowledgment, it is worth courteous notice. When one says “Thank you!” either verbally or by letter, it should be uttered with sincerity, and from the heart. To omit the expression of cordial gratitude is a breach of good breeding.

CHAPTER XVII
BACHELOR HOSPITALITY

THE day is past when the bachelor is supposed to have no home, no mode of entertaining his friends, no lares and penates, and no “ain fireside.” He is now an independent householder, keeping house if he choose to do so, with a corps of efficient servants, presided over by a competent housekeeper,—or, in a simpler manner having a small apartment of his own, attended by a manservant or maid, if he takes his meals in his apartment. Oftener, however, he prefers to dispense with housekeeping cares and live in a tiny apartment of two or three rooms, going out to a restaurant for his meals. He is then the most independent of creatures. If he can afford to have a man to take care of his rooms and his clothes, well and good. If not, he pays a woman to come in regularly to clean his apartment, and she takes charge of his bed-making and dusting or,—if he be very deft, systematic and industrious,—he does this kind of thing himself.

THE BACHELOR’S TEA

In any of the cases just cited he is at liberty to entertain. He may have an afternoon tea, or a reception, or an after-theater chafing-dish supper. Unless he has his own suite of dining-room, kitchen and butler’s pantry, he can not serve a regular meal in his rooms. But there are many informal, Bohemian affairs to which he can invite his friends. For the after-theater supper, for instance, he may engage a man to assist him and to have everything in readiness when the host and his party arrive at the apartment. The host, himself, will prepare the chafing-dish dainty, and with this may be passed articles supplied by a near-by caterer, such as sandwiches, ices and cakes. He may make his own coffee in a Vienna coffee-pot. The whole proceeding is delightful, informal and Bohemian in the best sense of the word.

A sine qua non to all bachelor entertaining is a chaperon. The married woman can not be dispensed with on such occasions. The host may be gray-headed and old enough to be a grandfather many times over, but, as an unmarried man, he must have a chaperon for his women guests. If he object to this, he must reconcile himself to entertaining only those of his own sex.

The age of this essential appendage to the social party makes no difference, so long as the prefix “Mrs.” is attached to her name. She may be a bride of only a few weeks’ standing,—but the fact that she is married is the essential.

ENGAGING THE CHAPERON

The host, then, first of all, engages his chaperon,—asking her as a favor to assist him in his hospitable efforts. She should accept graciously, but the man will show by his manner that he is honored by her undertaking this office for him. She must be promptly at his rooms at the hour mentioned, as it would be the height of impropriety for one of the young women to arrive there before the matron. If she prefer she may accompany a bevy of the girls invited. To her the host defers, from her he asks advice, and to her he pays special deference. If there is tea to be poured, as at an afternoon function, it is she who is asked to do it, and she may, with a pretty air of assuming responsibility, manage affairs somewhat as if in her own home, still remembering that she is a guest. In this matter tact and a knowledge of the ways of the world play a large part. The chaperon is bound to remain until the last girl takes her departure, after which it is quite en règle for the host to offer his escort, unless she accompanies the last guest, or a carriage be awaiting her. The host thanks her cordially for her kind offices, and she in turn expresses herself as honored by the compliment he has paid her.

INVITING THE GUESTS

Perhaps the simplest form of entertainment for the unmarried man to give in his own quarters is the afternoon tea in some of its various forms. For this function the man must not issue cards, but must write personal notes, or ask his guests orally. He may invite several friends who will supply music. If he have some friend who is especially gifted musically, and whom he would gladly bring before the eyes of the public, he may make the presence of this friend an excellent reason for this afternoon reception. After having secured the chaperon’s acceptance he may write some such note as the following:

“My dear Miss Brown:

“I shall be delighted if you, with a few other choice spirits, will take tea with me in my apartment next Tuesday afternoon about four o’clock. I shall have with me at that time my friend, Mr. Frank Merrill, who sings, I think, passing well. I want my friends who appreciate music and to whom his voice will give pleasure to hear him in my rooms at the time mentioned. Do come!

“Henry Barbour.

“August the tenth, 1905.”

There should, if possible, be a maid, or a man in livery to attend the door, but, if this is not practicable, and the affair be very informal, the host may himself admit his guests, and escort them to the door when they leave.

SERVING THE REFRESHMENTS

The only refreshments necessary are thin bread and butter, and some dainty sandwiches, small cakes and tea with sugar, cream and thin slices of lemon. These things are arranged upon a prettily set table in one corner of the room, and are presided over by the chaperon, who also, when the opportunity affords, moves about among the guests, chatting to each and all as if she were in her own drawing-room. If the man has several rooms, one may be opened as a dressing-room in which the women may lay their wraps. The men guests may leave their coats and hats on the hall table or rack.

When the guests depart it is pretty and deferential for the host to thank the women for making his apartment bright and attractive for the afternoon. It is always well for a man to show by his manner that his woman guest has honored him by her presence.

An evening reception may be conducted in a similar way, but at this time coffee and chocolate take the place of tea. Or, if the host prefer, he may serve only cake and coffee, or punch, or ices in addition to the cake and coffee.

If a bachelor be also a householder to the extent of running a regular ménage, he may give a dinner in his home just as a woman might. He first engages his chaperon, then invites his guests. The chaperon is the guest of honor, is taken out to dinner by the host and sits at his right. It is also her place to make the move for the women to leave the men to their cigars and coffee, and proceed to the drawing-room. Here, after a very few minutes, the women are joined by the men or, at all events, by the host, who may, if he like, give his men guests permission to linger in the dining-room a little longer than he does. They will, however, not take long advantage of this permission, but, at the expiration of five or ten minutes, will follow their host to the drawing-room.

THE RESTAURANT SUPPER

The man who can not entertain in his own rooms may return any hospitality shown to him by giving a supper or dinner at a restaurant or hotel. In this case he must still have a chaperon,—if the party is to be made up of unmarried persons. For such an affair as this he engages his table and orders the dinner beforehand, seeing for himself that the flowers and decorations chosen are just what he wishes. It is his place to escort the chaperon to the restaurant and to seat her at his right. Everything is so perfectly conducted at well-regulated restaurants that the course of the dinner will progress without the host’s concerning himself about it. If, however, the host wishes to give an order, he should beckon to a waiter, and in a low tone make the necessary suggestion or give the requisite order. It is, at such a juncture, the part of the chaperon to keep the conversational ball rolling,—in short, to act as if she were hostess.

The dinner over, the host escorts his guests as far as the door of the restaurant, going to the various carriages with the women, then calls up the chaperon’s carriage and, himself, accompanies her to her home.

THE BACHELOR DINNER

At a bachelor dinner the host may provide corsage bouquets for the ladies and boutonnières for the men. It is also a pretty compliment for him to send to the chaperon at his afternoon or evening reception, flowers for her to wear. But this is not essential, and is a compliment that may be dispensed with in the case of a man who must consider the small economies of life.

Of course, no dinner call is made on the bachelor entertainer. It is hardly worth while to suggest that the women whom he has honored make a point of soon inviting him to their homes. In this day there is little need to remind women of the attentions they may with propriety pay to an eligible and unattached man.

CHAPTER XVIII
THE VISITOR

AN invitation to visit a friend in her home must always be answered promptly. The invited person should think seriously before accepting such an invitation, and, unfortunately, one of the things she has to consider is her wardrobe. If the hostess has a superb house, and the guest is to be one of many, all wealthy except herself, all handsomely gowned except herself, and if she will feel like an English sparrow in a flock of birds of paradise, she would better acknowledge the invitation, with gratitude, and stay at home. If she does go, let her determine to make no apologies for her appearance, but to accommodate herself to the ways of the household she visits.

One woman, visiting in a handsome home, was distressed to the point of weeping by the fact that, on her arrival, her hostess’ maid came to the guest’s room and unpacked her trunk for her, putting the contents in bureau-drawers and wardrobe. It would have been better form if the visitor had taken what seemed to her an innovation as a matter of course, and expressed neither chagrin nor distress at the kindly-meant and customary attention.

If, then, our invited person, after taking all things into consideration, decides to accept the invitation sent her, let her state just when she is coming, and go at that time. Of course she will make her plans agree with those of her future hostess. The exact train should be named, and the schedule set must not be deviated from.

It may be said right here that no one should make a visit uninvited. Few persons would do this,—but some few have been guilty of this breach of etiquette. One need not always wait for an invitation from an intimate friend, nor member of one’s family with whom one can never be de trop, but, even then, one should, by telegram or telephone, give notice of one’s coming. If I could, I would make a rule that no one should pay an unexpected visit of several days’ duration. If one must go uninvited, one should give the prospective hosts ample notice of the intended visit, begging, at the same time, that one may be notified if the suggested plan be inconvenient.

BE PROMPT AND DEFINITE

When a letter of invitation is accepted, the acceptance must not only be prompt, but must clearly state how long one intends to stay. It is embarrassing to a hostess not to know whether her guest means to remain a few days or many. As will be seen in the chapter on “The Visited,” the hostess can do much to obviate this uncertainty by asking a friend for a visit of a specified length. But, in accepting, the guest must also say how long she will remain.

An invitation should be received gratefully. In few things does breeding show more than in the manner of acknowledging an invitation to a friend’s house. She who asks another to be a member of her household for even a short time is paying the person asked the greatest honor it is in her power to confer, and it should be appreciated by the recipient. He who does not appreciate the honor implied in such an invitation is unmannerly.

ALWAYS ARRIVE ON TIME

An invitation once accepted, nothing but such a serious contingency as illness must prevent one’s fulfilling the engagement. One must never arrive ahead of time. Once in the home of a friend the guest makes herself as much a member of the household as possible. The hours of meals must be ascertained, and promptness in everything be the rule. To lie in bed after one is called, and to appear at the breakfast table at one’s own sweet will, is often an inconvenience to the hostess, and the cause of vexation and discontent on the part of the servants, for which discontent the hostess—not the guest—pays the penalty. Unless, then, the latter is told expressly that the hour at which she descends to the first meal of the day is truly of no consequence in the household, she must come into the breakfast-room at the hour named by the mistress of the house.

THE DUTIES OF A GUEST

On the other hand, one should not come down a half-hour before breakfast and sit in the drawing-room or library, thus keeping the maid or hostess from dusting these rooms and setting them to rights. The considerate guest will stay in her own room until breakfast is announced, then descend immediately. If the weather is fair, she may, of course, walk in the grounds close to the house.

If amusements have been planned for the guest, she will do her best to enjoy them, or, at all events, to show gratitude for the kind intentions in her behalf. She must resolve to evince an interest in all that is done, and, if she can not join in the amusement, give evidence of an appreciation of the efforts that have been made to entertain. The guest must remember that the hosts are doing their best to please her, and that out of ordinary humanity, if not civility, gratitude should be shown and expressed for these endeavors.

If the hostess be a busy housewife, who has many duties about the house which she must perform herself, the visitor may occasionally try to “lend a hand” by dusting her own room or making her own bed. If, however, she is discovered at these tasks, and observes that the hostess looks worried, or objects to the guest thus exerting herself, it is the truest courtesy not to repeat the efforts to be of assistance. It disturbs some housewives to know that a visitor is performing any household tasks.

It is safe to say that a guest should go home at the time set unless the hostess urges her to do otherwise, or has some excellent reason for wishing her to change her plans. To remain beyond the time expected is a great mistake, unless one knows that it will be a genuine convenience to the hosts to have one stay. The old saying that a guest should not make a host twice glad has sound common sense as its basis. If a visitor is persuaded to extend her visit, it must be only for a short time, and she must herself set the limit of this stay, at which time nothing must in any way be allowed to deter her from taking her departure.

THE NECESSITY FOR TACT

The visitor in a family must exercise tact in many ways. Above all she must avoid any participation in little discussions between persons in the family. If the father takes one side of an argument, the mother the other, the wise guest will keep silent, unless one or the other appeal to her for confirmation of his or her assertions,—in which case she should smilingly say that she would rather not express an opinion, or laugh the matter off in such a way as to change the current of the conversation.

Another thing that a guest must avoid is reproving the children of the house in even the mildest, gentlest way. She must also resist the impulse to make an audible excuse for a child when he is reprimanded in her presence. To do either of these things is a breach of etiquette.

THE WEEK-END PARTY

If she be so fortunate as to be invited to a house-party or a week-end party, she should accept or decline at once, that the hostess may know for how many people to provide rooms. For such an affair one should take handsome gowns, as a good deal of festivity and dress is customary among the jolly group thus brought together. A dinner or evening gown is essential, and if, as is customary, the house-party be given at a country-home, the visitor must have a short walking-skirt and walking-boots, as well as a carriage costume.

Once a member of a house-party, the rule is simple enough. Do as the others do, and enter with a will on all the entertainment provided by the host and hostess for the party.

THE QUESTION OF TIPS

If you make a visit of any length you must not fail, if you are conventional, to leave a little money for each servant who has, by her services in any capacity, contributed to your comfort. This will, of course, include the maid who has cared for the bedroom, and the waitress. By one of these servants send something to the cook, and a message of thanks for the good things which she has made and you have enjoyed. The laundress need not be inevitably remembered, unless she has done a little washing for you; still, when one considers the extra bed and table linen to be washed, it is as well to leave a half dollar for her also. The amount of such fees must be determined by the length of one’s purse; and must never be so large as to appear lavish and unnecessary. A dollar, if you can afford it and have made a visit of any length, will be sufficient for each maid. The coachman who drives you to the train must receive the same amount.

There is, one is glad to say, an occasional household in which the idea of tips is regarded as contrary to the spirit of true hospitality. In such homes the mistress herself sees that the servants receive extra pay for the extra work entailed by guests, and the hotel atmosphere suggested by tipping is fortunately done away with.

THE BREAD-AND-BUTTER NOTE

After the guest has returned to her own home, her duties toward her recent hosts are not at an end until she has written what is slangily known as “the bread-and-butter letter.” This is simply a note, telling of one’s safe arrival at one’s destination, and thanking the hostess for the pleasant visit one has had. A few lines are all that etiquette demands, but it requires these, and decrees that they be despatched at once. To neglect to write the letter demanded by those twin sisters, Conventionality and Courtesy, is a grave breach of the etiquette of the visitor.

Hospitality as a duty has been written up from the beginning of human life. The obligations of those who, in quaint old English phrase, “guesten” with neighbors, or strangers, have had so little attention it is no wonder they are lightly considered, in comparison.

We hear much of men who play the host royally, and of the perfect hostess. If hospitality be reckoned among the fine arts and moral virtues, to “guesten” aright is a saving social grace. Where ten excellent hosts are found we are fortunate if we meet one guest who knows his business and does it.

The consciousness of this neglected fact prompts us to write in connection with our cardinal virtue of giving, of what we must perforce coin a word to define as “Guestly Etiquette.” We have said elsewhere that the first, and oftentimes a humiliating step, in the acquisition of all knowledge, from making a pudding to governing an empire, is to learn how not to do it. Two-thirds of the people who “guesten” with us never get beyond the initiatory step.

GUESTS ARE NOT BOARDERS

The writer of this page could give from memory a list that would cover pages of foolscap, of people who called themselves well-bred and who were in the main well-meaning, who have deported themselves in hospitable homes as if they were registered boarders in a hotel.

Settle within your own mind, in entering your friend’s doors, that what you receive is not to be paid for in dollars and cents. The thought will deprive you at once of the right to complain or to criticize. This should be a self-evident law. It is so far, however, from being self-evident that it is violated every day and in scores of homes where refinement is supposed to regulate social usages.

Taking at random illustrations that crowd in on memories of my own experiences,—let me draw into line the distinguished clergyman who always brought his own bread to the table, informing me that my hot muffins were “rank poison to any rightly-appointed stomach”; another man, equally distinguished in another profession, who summoned a chambermaid at eleven o’clock at night to drag his bed across the room that he might lie due east and west; an author who never went to bed until two o’clock in the morning, and complained sourly at breakfast time that “your servants, madam, banked up the furnace fire so early that the house got cold by midnight”; the popular musician who informed me “your piano is horribly out of tune”; the man and wife who “couldn’t sleep a wink because there was a mosquito in the room”; the eminent jurist who sat out an evening in the library of my country-house with his hat on because “the room was drafty”;—ah! my fellow housemothers can match every instance of the lack of the guestly conscience by stories from their own repositories.

ANNOYING FAMILIARITIES

The guest who is told to consider himself as one of the family knows the invitation to be a figure of polite speech as well as he who says it knows it to be an empty form. One man I wot of sings and whistles in the halls and upon the stairs of his host’s house to show how joyfully he is at home. Another stretches himself at length upon the library sofa, and smokes the cigar of peace (to himself) at all hours, an ash-cup upon the floor within easy distance. A third helps himself to his host’s cigars whenever he likes without saying “by your leave.” Each may fancy that he is following out the hospitable intentions of his entertainers when, in fact, he is selfishly oblivious of guestly duty and propriety.

One who has given the subject more than a passing thought might suppose it unnecessary to lay down to well-bred readers “Laws for Table Manners While Visiting.” Yet, when I saw a man of excellent lineage, and a university graduate, thump his empty tumbler on the table to attract the attention of the waitress, and heard him a few minutes later call out to her “Butter—please!” I wished that the study of such a manual had been included as a regular course in the college curriculum.

A true anecdote recurs to me here that may soothe national pride with the knowledge that the solecisms I have described and others that have not added to the traveled American’s reputation for breeding, are not confined to our side of the ocean.

ENGLISH FRANKNESS

Lord and Lady B——, names familiar some years back to the students of the “high-life” columns of our papers, were at a dinner party in New York with an acquaintance of mine who painted the scene for me. Lady B——, tasting her soup as soon as it was set down in front of her, calls to her husband at the other end of the table: “B——, my dear! Don’t eat this soup! It is quite filthy! There are tomatoes in it!”

We Americans are less brutally frank than our English cousins. Yet I thought of Lady B—— last week when my vis-à-vis,—a slim, pretty, accomplished matron of thirty, or thereabouts—at an admirably-appointed family dinner, accepted a plate of soup, tasted it, laid down her spoon and did not touch it again, repeating the action with an entrée, and with the dessert of peaches and cream. She did not grimace her distaste of any one of the three articles of food, it is true, being, thus far, better-mannered than our titled vulgarian. In effect, she implied the same thing by tasting of each portion and declining to eat more than the tentative mouthful.

SELF-DISCIPLINE

To sum up our table of rules: Bethink yourself, from your entrance to your exit from your host’s house, of the sure way of adding to the comfort and pleasure of those who have honored you by inviting you to sojourn under their roof-tree. If possessed of the true spirit of hospitality, they will find that pleasure in promoting yours. Learn from them and be not one whit behind them in the good work. If they propose any especial form of amusement, fall in with their plans readily and cordially. You may not enjoy a stately drive through dusty roads behind fat family horses, or a tramp over briery fields with the hostess who is addicted to berrying and botanizing—but go as if that were the exact bent of taste and desire. A dinner party, made up of men who talk business and nothing else, and their over-dressed wives, who revel in the discussion of what Mrs. Sherwood calls “The Three Dreadful D’s”—Disease, Dress and Domestics—may typify to you the acme of boredom. Comport yourself as if you were in your native element and happy there. The self-discipline will be a means of grace in more ways than one.

NEVER SHOW BOREDOM

On Sunday accompany your hosts to their place of worship with the same cheerful readiness to like what they like. You may be a high church Episcopalian and they belong to the broadest wing of Unitarians or the straitest sect of Evangelicals. Put prejudice and personal preference behind you and find consolation in the serene conviction of guestly duty done—and done in a truly Christian spirit.

CHAPTER XIX
THE VISITED

IT has been said,—and with an unfortunate amount of truth, that the gracious old-fashioned art of hospitality is dying out. Those who keep open house from year’s end to year’s end, from whose doors the latch-string floats in the breeze, ready for the fingers of any friend who will grasp it, are few.

The “entertaining” that is done now does not compensate us for the loss of what may be called the “latch-string-out” custom of the days gone by. Luncheons, teas, dinners, card-parties, receptions and the like, fill the days with engagements and hold our eyes waking until the morning hours, but this is a kind of wholesale hospitality as it were, and done by contract. Such affairs remind one ludicrously of the irreligious and historic farmer-boy who, reminiscent of his father’s long-winded “grace before meat,” suggested when they salted the pork for the winter that he “say grace over the whole barrel” and pay off a disagreeable obligation all at one time.

SERVANTS AND GUESTS

Perhaps if our hostess were frank she would acknowledge a similar desire when she sends out cards by the hundreds and fills her drawing-rooms to overflowing with guests, scores of whom care to come even less than she cares to have them. But there seems to be a credit and debit account kept, and once in so often it is incumbent on the society woman to “give something.” Florists and caterers are called to her aid, and, with waiters and assistants hired for the occasion, take the work of preparation for the entertainment off my lady’s hands.

In speaking of hospitality in this chapter, we refer especially to the entertaining of a visitor for one, or many days in the home. Not long ago we made a point of asking several housekeepers why they did not invite friends to visit them. Three out of four interviewed on the subject agreed that the servants were the main drawback. The fourth woman, who was in moderate circumstances, confessed that she did not want guests unless she could “entertain them handsomely.”

To obviate the first-mentioned difficulty, every housekeeper should, when engaging a servant, declare boldly that she receives her friends at will, in her home, and have that fact understood from the outset of Bridget’s or Gretchen’s career with her. At the same time she should remember that extra work should mean extra pay or its equivalent in help. It is astonishing how inconsiderate many women, otherwise kindly, are in their relation to domestic servants.

As to the reason given by the fourth housekeeper, it is too contemptible to be considered by a sensible woman. Our guests come to see us for ourselves, not for the beauty of our houses, or for the elegance of our manner of living. The woman whose house is clean and furnished as her means permit, who sets her table with the best that she can provide for her own dear ones, is always prepared for company. There may be times when the unlooked-for coming of a guest is an inconvenience. It should never be the cause of a moment’s mortification. Only pretense, and seeming to be what one is not, need cause a sensation of shame. If a friend comes, put another plate at the table, and take him into the sanctum sanctorum—the home. With such a welcome the simplest home is dignified.

MEETING THE GUEST

But as to the invited guest. The hostess knows when she wishes to receive her friend, and, in a cordial invitation, states the exact date upon which she has decided, giving the hour of the arrival of trains, and saying that she or some member of her family will meet the guest at the station. One who has ever arrived at a strange locality, “unmet,” knows the peculiar sinking of heart caused by the neglect of this simple duty on the part of the hostess.

The letter of invitation should also state how long the visitor is expected to stay. This may be easily done by writing—“Will you come to us on the twenty-first and stay for a week?” or, “We want you to make us a fortnight’s visit, coming on the fifteenth.” If one can honestly add to an invitation, “We hope that you may be able to extend the time set, as we want to keep you as long as possible,” it may be done. If not meant, the insincere phrase is inexcusable.

THE GUEST CHAMBER

Elaborate preparations should be avoided—preparations that weary the hostess and try the tempers of servants. The guest-chamber will be clean, sweet and dainty. No matter how competent a chambermaid is, the mistress must see for herself that sheets, pillow-slips and towels are spotless, and that there are no dusty corners in the room. A trustworthy thermometer should hang in full view, that the guest may regulate by it the temperature of her room. If the visitor be a woman, and flowers are in season, a vase of favorite blossoms will be placed on the dressing-table. The desk or writing-table will be supplied with paper, envelopes, pens, ink, stamps and a calendar. Several interesting novels or magazines should be within reach. All these trifles add to the home-like feeling of the new arrival.

LET YOUR GUEST ALONE

A welcome should be cordial and honest. A hostess should take time to warm her guest’s heart by telling her that she is glad, genuinely glad, to have her in her home. She should also do all she can to make the visitor forget that she is away from her own house.

All this done, the guest should be let alone! We mean this, strange as it may seem. Many well-meaning hostesses annoy guests by following them up and by insisting that they shall be “doing something” all the time. This is almost as wearing and depressing as neglect would be. Each person wants to be alone a part of the time. A visitor is no exception to this rule. She has letters to write, or an interesting book she wants to read, or, if she needs the rest and change her visit should bring her, it will be luxury to her to don a kimono and relax on the couch or bed in her room for an hour or two a day. The thought that one’s hostess is noting and wondering at one’s absence from the drawing-room, where one is expected to be on exhibition, is to a nervous person akin to torture.

Allow all possible freedom as to the hour for rising, provide a certain amount of entertainment for the visitor in the way of outdoor exercise (if she likes it), callers, amusements and so forth, and then (again) in plain English, let her alone!

One must never insist that a guest remain beyond the time set for her return, if the guest declares sincerely that to remain longer is inadvisable. To speed the parting guest is an item of true hospitality. The hostess may beg her to stay when she feels that the visitor can conveniently do so, and when her manner shows that she desires to do so. But when the suggestion has been firmly and gratefully declined, the matter should be dropped. A guest who feels that she must return to her home for business, family or private reasons, is embarrassed by the insistence on the part of her entertainers that such return is unnecessary.

A GUEST’S EXPENSES

Of course, the visitor in one’s house should be spared all possible expense. The porter who brings the trunk should be paid by the host, unless the guest forestalls him in his hospitable intention. Car-fares, hack-hire and such things, are paid by the members of the family visited. All these things should be done so unobtrusively as to escape, if possible, the notice of the person entertained.

If a woman have two maids, the second maid should, shortly before the retiring hour, go to the guest’s room, turn down the covers of the bed and provide a pitcher of fresh drinking-water. In the event of having one maid only, the hostess will perform these offices herself.

TRUE HOSPITALITY

No matter what happens—should there be illness and even death in the family—a hospitable person will not allow the stranger within her gates to feel that she is in the way, or her presence an inconvenience. There is no greater cruelty than that of allowing a guest in the home to feel that matters would run more smoothly were she absent. Only better breeding on the part of the visitor than is possessed by her hostess will prevent her leaving the house and returning to her home. Should sudden illness in the family occur, the considerate person will leave. But this must be permitted only under protest. To invite a friend to one’s house, and then seem to find her presence unwelcome is only a degree less cruel than confining a bird in a cage, where he can not forage for himself, and slowly starving him. If one has not the hospitable instinct developed strongly enough to feel the right sentiment, let him feign it, or refuse to attempt to entertain friends. The person under one’s roof should be, for the time, sacred, and the host who does not feel this is altogether lacking in the finer instincts that accompany good breeding.

We know one home in which hospitality is dispensed in a way no guest ever forgets. From the time the visitor enters the doors of this House Beautiful she is, as it were, enwrapped in an atmosphere of loving consideration impossible to describe. One guest, visiting there with her children, was horrified at their being taken suddenly ill with grippe,—so ill that to travel with them just then was dangerous. She was hundreds of miles away from home with the possibility of the children’s being confined to the house for some days to come. The physician summoned confirmed her fears. The distressed mother knew only too well what an inconvenience illness is,—especially in a friend’s house instead of in one’s own home.

AN IDEAL HOSTESS

All the members of the household united in making the disconcerted woman feel that this home was the one and only place in which the little ones should have been seized with the prevailing epidemic; that it was a pleasure to have them there under any circumstances; that to wait on them and their mother was a privilege. The sweet-voiced, sweet-faced hostess, herself an invalid at this time, drew the anxious visitor down on the bed beside her and kissed her as she said:

“Dear child! try to believe that you and yours are as welcome here as in your own dear mother’s home.”

Surely of such is the Kingdom of Heaven!

CHAPTER XX
HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY

IF ours were a perfect state of society, constructed on the Golden Rule, animated and guided throughout by unselfish love for friend and neighbor, and charity for the needy, there would be no propriety in writing this chapter. Home, domestic comfort and happiness being our best earthly possessions, we would be eagerly willing to share them with others.

As society is constructed under a state of artificial civilization, and as our homes are kept and our households are run, the element of duty must interfere, or hospitality would become a lost art. Even where the spirit of this—one of the most venerable of virtues—is not wanting, conscience is called in to regulate the manner and the seasons in which it should be exercised.

As a corner-stone, assume, once for all, that a binding obligation rests on you to visit, and to receive visits, and to entertain friends, acquaintances and strangers in a style consistent with your means, at such times as may be consistent with more serious engagements. Having once issued an invitation, you are sacredly bound on the day named to give yourself completely to your guests. To invite people to dinner and then ask them to leave early in order that one may accept an invitation that one has received in the meantime, would seem impossible to a woman of right instincts—but it has been done, at least by women of social prominence.

RETURNING COURTESIES

It may sound harsh to assert that you have no right to accept hospitality for which you can never make any return in kind. The principle is, nevertheless, sound to the core.

Those who read the newspapers forty years ago will recall a characteristic incident in the early life of Colonel Ellsworth, the brilliant young lawyer who was one of the first notable victims of the Civil War. His struggles to gain a foothold in his profession were attended by many hardships and humiliating privations. Once, finding the man he was looking for on a matter of business, in a restaurant, he was invited to partake of the luncheon to which his acquaintance was just sitting down. Ellsworth was ravenously hungry, almost starving, in fact, but he declined courteously but firmly, asking permission to talk over the business that had brought him thither, while the other went on with the meal.

The brave young fellow, in telling the story in after years, confessed that he suffered positive agony at the sight and smell of the tempting food.

A RECIPROCATING SPIRIT

“I could not, in honor, accept hospitality I could not reciprocate,” was his simple explanation of his refusal. “I might starve, I could not sponge!”

Sponging—to put it plainly—is pauperism. The one who eats of your bread and salt becomes, in his own eyes—not in yours—your debtor. For the very genius of hospitality is to give, not expecting to receive again. (This by the way!)

I do not mean if your wealthy acquaintance invites you to a fifteen-course dinner, the cost of which equals your monthly income, that you are in honor or duty bound to bid her to an entertainment as elaborate, or that you suffer in her estimation, or by the loss of your self-respect. But by the acceptance of the invitation you bind yourself to reciprocation of some sort. If you can do nothing more, ask your hostess to afternoon tea in your own house or flat, and have a few congenial spirits to meet her there. It is the spirit in such a case that makes alive and keeps alive the genial glow of good will and cordial friendliness. The letter of commercial obligation, like for like, in degree, and not in kind, would kill true hospitality.

Your friend’s friend, introduced by him and calling on you, has a proved claim on your social offices. If you can not make a special entertainment for him, ask him to a family dinner, explaining that it is such, and make up in kindly welcome for the lack of lordly cheer. If it be a woman, invite her to luncheon with you and a friend or two, or to a drive, winding up with afternoon tea in some of the quietly elegant tea-rooms that seem to have been devised for the express use of people of generous impulses and slender purses. It is not the cost in coin of the realm that tells with the stranger, but the temper in which the tribute is offered.

ENTERTAINING THE STRANGER

“I do not ‘entertain’ in the sense in which the word is generally used,” wrote a distinguished woman to me once, hearing that I was to be in her neighborhood. “But I can not let you pass me by. Come on Thursday, and lunch with me, en tête-à-tête.”

I accepted gladly, and the memory of that meal, elegant in simplicity, shared with one whom my soul delights to honor, is as an apple of gold set in a picture of silver.

The stranger, as such, has a Scriptural claim on you, when circumstances make him your neighbor. In thousands of homes since the day when Abraham ran from his tent-door to constrain the thirsting and hungering travelers to accept such rest and refreshment as he could offer them during the heat of the day, angels have been entertained unawares in the guise of strangerhood.

POETIC JUSTICE

“Did you know the B——’s before they came to our town?” asked an inquisitive New Englander of one of her near neighbors.

“No.”

“Then—you won’t mind my asking you?—why did you invite them to dinner on Thanksgiving Day? It’s made a deal of talk.”

Abraham’s disciple smiled.

“Because they were strangers, and seemed to be lonely. They are respectable, and they live on my street.”

Poetical justice requires me to add that the B——’s, who became the lifelong friends of their first hostess in the strange land, proved to be people of distinction whom the best citizens of the exclusive little town soon vied with one another in “cultivating.” In ignorance of their antecedents the imitator of the tent-holder of Mamre did her duty from the purest of motives.

Not one individual or one family has a moral or a social right to neglect the practise of hospitality. Unless one is confined to the house or bed by illness, one should visit and invite visits in return.

We are human beings, not hermit crabs.

CHAPTER XXI
THE HOUSE OF MOURNING

THE observance of mourning is a difficult matter to treat, for individual feeling enters largely into the question. Still, there are certain rules accepted by those who would not be made remarkable by their scorn of conventionalities.

The matter of mourning-cards and stationery has been treated in the chapter on “Calls and Cards,” and on “Letter-Writing.” A word may here be added with regard to the letter of condolence. This should be written to the bereaved person as soon as practicable after the death for which she mourns. It must not be long, but should express in a few sincere words the sympathy felt, and the wish to do something to help alleviate the mourner’s distress. This letter does not demand an answer, but some persons try, some weeks after such letters have been received, to reply to them. This is not really necessary, except when the writer is a near friend of the family. In many cases, a black-edged card bearing the words, “Mr. and Mrs. —— wish to thank you for your kind sympathy in their recent bereavement,” is mailed to the writer.

If one does not write a letter, one may send to or leave at the house of mourning a card, bearing the words, “Sincere sympathy,” upon it.

ATTENDING A FUNERAL

The funeral notice in the daily papers is now sometimes accompanied by the request, “Kindly omit flowers.” To send flowers after the appearance of such a notice is the height of rudeness and shows little respect to the dead and none for the family.

If there are more flowers than can be taken to the cemetery, those left may be sent to the inmates of hospitals, who need not know that they were intended for a funeral. Those who attend a funeral should dress quietly, but they need not wear black unless they prefer to do so.

While few persons would be guilty of attending a funeral out of curiosity, there are undoubtedly some who do. Sensitive people are growing to realize that the last ceremony for the dead is too sacred to be shared except with those who are really entitled by close ties to be present and have signified by personal messenger those whom they desired should be present.

In attending a funeral one should be prompt, and yet not so far ahead of the hour set as to arrive before the final arrangements are completed. At a church or house funeral, one should wait to be seated as the undertaker or his assistant directs. Nor should one ever linger after the services to speak to any members of the family, unless one is particularly requested to do so. One should not expect to look on the face of the dead unless one is asked to do so.

CLOSING THE CASKET

In churches of two denominations it is not customary to have the coffin opened to the public gaze. It is a pity that this law is not universal, but it is becoming more common to have the casket left closed through the entire service. It certainly spares the mourners the agonizing period during which the long line of friends, and strangers who come from vulgar curiosity, file past and look on the unshielded features of the dead. Some one has said that the custom of allowing the curious who did not know the deceased, and who cared nothing for him, to gaze on his face after death, seems to be taking an unfair advantage of the dead.

Many persons prefer a quiet house funeral for one they love, for there are few persons vulgar or bold enough to force themselves into the house of mourning, where only those who knew and loved the departed are welcome. But the method of personal invitation makes the presence of such people impossible.

At a house funeral the clergyman stands near the head of the coffin while he reads the service, the audience standing or sitting as the custom of the special service used demands.

THE CHURCH FUNERAL

At a church funeral, the clergyman meets the coffin at the door and precedes it up the aisle, reading the burial service. As he begins to read, the congregation rises and stands as the procession moves forward. When, after the services, the coffin is lifted by the bearers, the congregation again rises and remains standing until the casket has been taken from the church. A private interment, or one at the convenience of the family, is now almost universal. Unless invited, no outsider, even if he be a friend of the family, will go to the cemetery under such circumstances.

After the funeral, and when one’s friends have begun to realize sorrow, is the time when it is the hardest to bear. It is then that the sympathetic person may do much toward brightening the long and dreary days in the house of mourning. Flowers left at the door occasionally, frequent calls, an occasional cheering note, a bright book lent, are a few of the small courtesies that amount to actual benefactions. Only those who have had to learn to live with a grief that is almost forgot by others know what such tokens of thoughtful sympathy mean. All who count themselves friends should call within a month, always telling the maid that if the ladies do not feel like appearing they are not to do so.

A WIDOW’S DRESS

The heaviest mourning demanded by conventionality is worn by a widow, but even she is now allowed to dispense with the heavy crape veil. In its place is the long veil of nun’s veiling, which is worn over the face only at the funeral. With it is a face-veil, trimmed with crape, and a white ruche or “widow’s cap” stitched inside of the brim of the small bonnet. The dress is of Henrietta cloth, or other lusterless material, and may be trimmed with crape. Black suède gloves and black-bordered handkerchiefs—if these are liked—are proper. The widow seldom discards her veil under two years,—some widows wear it always. After the first year it is shortened.

It is a matter for congratulation that crape, that most expensive, unwholesome, perishable and inartistic of materials, is worn less and less with each passing year. Surely to have to wrap one’s self in its stiff and malodorous folds adds discomfort to grief. It is now seldom worn except by widows, although a daughter may wear it for a parent, a mother for her child.

The matter of the mourning-veil is one each person must settle for herself, although the strictest followers of fashion deprecate its use for any women except widows. Some bereaved daughters and mothers wear it, but not for a long period, seldom longer than six months.

Mourning for the members of one’s immediate family may be worn for a year, then lightened. Mourning for a relative-in-law is lightened at the end of three or six months.

INCONGRUOUS MOURNING

While on this subject it would be well to call attention to the fact that one should either wear conventional black, or no black at all. For a widow to wear, as a well-known woman did recently, a long veil and gray suède gloves, borders on the ridiculous. Nor should velvet, cut jet, satin and lace be donned by those wearing the insignia of grief. Nor are black-and-white combined deep mourning. They may be worn when the weeds are lightened, but not when one is wearing the strictly conventional garb of dolor. Even widows may wear all white, but not with black ribbons, unless the heavy black has been laid aside for what may be called the “second stage” of bereavement. At first, all materials either in black or white, must be of dull finish. Dresses may be of nun’s veiling, Henrietta cloth, and other unshining wool fabrics, or of dull, lusterless silks. Simple white muslins, lawns and mulls are proper, but must not be trimmed with laces or embroidered.