GOETHE

GERMAN
WIT AND HUMOR

A COLLECTION FROM FAMOUS SOURCES
CLASSIFIED UNDER
APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS

PHILADELPHIA
GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO
PUBLISHERS

Copyright, 1903, by
George W. Jacobs & Company
Published, August, 1903

Contents

German Wit and Humor

CHAPTER I
Humor of the Sixteenth Century

The Fool’s Lesson

When Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg—the fame of his notorious pranks having preceded him—several of the best citizens asked him to give them a sample of his buffoonery. He said he would do so, and promised to fly from the roof of a house on the market place. The news spread rapidly, and old and young hurried there to see him fly. For some time Eulenspiegel stood on the low roof, moving his arms and acting as if he were going to fly, then he burst out laughing and cried: “I thought I was the only fool in the world, but I see that here are almost a whole city full of them. If you had told me that you were going to fly, I should not have believed you; and yet you believed me, a well-known fool. How should I be able to fly? I am neither a goose nor any other kind of a bird. I have no wings, and without wings and feathers nobody can fly. Now you see, I told you a falsehood.”

He turned and left the roof, while the crowd separated, some laughing, some swearing, but all agreeing, that though he was a fool, he had told them the truth.

The Wisdom of a Fool

“A fool may sometimes be a better judge than a wise man,” writes Johannes Andrea of a fool. Once a beggar entered the kitchen of a tavern. A large piece of meat was roasting on the spit, and the poor man took his bread from his pocket and held it over the roast, so the odor would penetrate it, then he ate it. When all his bread was gone he turned to leave, but the host went after him and demanded his pay. The poor man said, “You did not give me either meat or drink; so what should I pay you for?”

The host replied, “You feasted on what was mine, on the odor of the roast, and you shall pay me for that.”

They went to court about it, but judgment was suspended, until next court-day. Now one of the judges had a fool at home, and at dinner this case was talked about. Said the fool: “Pay the host with the jingle of the money, as the poor man feasted on the odor of the roast.”

When court-day came around the fool’s advice was followed.

A Good Shot

A man passing through a forest, saw an old blind bear. A young bear, whose tail was in the old bear’s mouth, led him. The man took his gun and shot the young bear’s tail off. Then he took hold of it and led the blind bear for two miles to market at Stuttgart.

The One-legged Crane

A knight invited his father-confessor to dinner. The holy father arrived while the knight was still at church, and being hungry went to the kitchen where all kinds of meat were roasting. He said to the cook: “The roasts are now at their best; give me a leg from this crane and then I’ll wait for dinner.” But the cook replied: “I cannot do that; my master would send me away if I brought the bird, mutilated like that, to the table. Take it yourself, then he cannot blame me.”

The confessor took a knife and cut the leg off, had the cook give him bread and wine, and sat down to enjoy it. At dinner the crane was served lying on his wounded side. The knight asked at once in an angry tone: “Where is the other leg?” His confessor, who sat next to him, whispered to him to keep quiet before his guests, that after dinner he would prove to him that the bird had only had one leg.

As soon as dinner was over, the knight asked his confessor to take a walk with him. They went outside the town. On the way the knight said: “You insisted that the bird had only one leg; how is that?” “I will show you,” returned the confessor, and took him to a meadow where between thirty and forty cranes were standing, all, as usual, on one leg. Pointing to them he said: “Look, all those birds have only one leg.” The knight clapped his hands and chased them. The cranes grew frightened, stretched their necks, put down their feet, and ran. Said the knight to the confessor: “How now? You see that they have two legs?” Says the confessor: “Dear sir, if you had clapped your hands like this at the table, the other leg would have put in an appearance too.”

Justice Obscured by a Pig

There was a poor widow, who had a case at court. She brought to the judge a little pot of sour cream; he was to protect her cause. He bade her hope for the best and said that she had a good case, and need not worry. She was glad.

Then came the opponent. He was rich, and brought the judge a young pig. When the case came up, the woman lost her suit. She went to the judge and said: “Sir, where is my little pot of cream?” He answered: “The little pig knocked it over.”

CHAPTER II
Humor of the Seventeenth Century

The Farmer’s Belief

A farmer went to confession and the priest asked him if he knew anything about the Trinity. The good man knew nothing about it. The priest did his best to explain it to him and at last said: “My good friend, to make it still plainer to you, imagine yourself God the Father, respect your son as if he were the Son of God, and take your wife to be the Holy Ghost. Now remember, you three are as one. You are one household and live together; that makes a trinity.” With this the good man went home.

A year later, he came again to confess. The priest asked him at once whether he believed now in a trinity. “No,” said the farmer, “I only believe in the first two, the Father and the Son, in those two I believe firmly. In the Holy Ghost I don’t believe at all; for everything that the Father and the Son gain by hard, heavy labor, the Holy Ghost squanders and spends.” The priest had to give up trying to enlighten the good farmer. He absolved him and let him depart.

The Monk’s Trick

A nobleman was walking across the country with a barefooted monk. They came to a brook and found the bridge had disappeared. The nobleman asked the monk, as he was without shoes, to carry him across. The monk did so, but when they were in the middle of the brook he asked the nobleman if he had any money with him. He answered: “Yes.”—“Oh,” said the monk, “we are forbidden to carry money,” and dropped the nobleman into the brook.

A Brief Sermon

A priest who had not studied much, came into the pulpit and said: “I will briefly speak of three things to-day. The first I know, and you do not. The second you know, and I do not. The third none of us knows. That my trousers are torn, I know. Whether you are going to give me a new pair, you know. Our sexton had a fresh barrel of beer put in; but whether that beer is good, none of us knows; so come along and let us taste it.”

A Bright Reply

Three young noblemen were riding by a field in which a farmer was working among his cabbages. They rode up to him, and one said: “My good man, what will you give us, if we prove to you that you are a cabbage?” The farmer answered: “Nothing, for I can do those tricks as well as you. Now I can prove to you, that your saddles are mules.” At this the young sparks shouted with laughter and said: “Well, tell us all about it.” The farmer answered: “Why, all my life, I have known that anything between a horse and an ass has been called a mule.”

A Large Recipe

A good but stupid countryman stopped with his farm wagon before a drug-store in the town, and began to unload a big, heavy door. The druggist, much surprised, said: “What do you want with that here? The carpenter lives over there.” Said the farmer: “It is all right. My wife is ill, the doctor has been to see her and wrote the prescription with chalk on this door, as we had no pen and ink. Now, sir, please make it up. I am in a great hurry.”

A Trapful

“Once I caught in my trap a wild duck, a fox, and a nine pound carp.”

“How did it happen?”

“Near the pond, a fox saw a duck; he sneaked up to catch her. Springing at her, he caught her by the wing, but the duck managed to get into the water. The fox holding on to her wing followed her; but a big carp swam up behind and bit him in his leg. The fox closes his claws so tight on the carp that it cannot get away again. Now the trap was close by, and the duck fluttered into it. The fox not willing to lose her, follows in and pulls the carp after him.”

His Turn

A woman whose little child would not go to sleep at night, wakened her husband, to take his turn for a while in nursing it, as it was as much his part as hers. “You are right,” said the husband, turning on his other side, “you rock your part, I’ll let mine scream.”

A Sympathetic Parson

A parson preached in Holy week so touchingly about the Lord’s suffering, that the whole congregation began to sob. Then the minister, who was a very tender-hearted man and did not like to see anybody weep, said: “My dear friends, be comforted; it all happened so long ago, who knows whether it is true.”

Delayed Justice

Once a farmer complained to his minister, that his landlord persecuted him most shamefully. The parson comforted the farmer saying: “The pitcher goes to the well until it breaks; and if he does not get his just punishment in this world he will surely suffer all the more in the next.” Answered the farmer: “Yes, but if the rascal repents on his deathbed, what then?”

Luck

The minister, in the scripture lesson at school, had been explaining the miracles, and finally asked a boy: “Jacob, your father is a roofer. What would you call it, if you came home, and heard that your father had fallen from the roof of the church tower, without breaking his neck?”

“Luck.”

“So, luck? But if you came home a second time and heard the same thing?”

“An accident.”

“But the third time?”

“A lie, sir.”

Somewhat Mixed

An amiable host had to send late at night for a carriage to take home his four friends, who had taken too much of his wine. He gave the driver the street and house number of each one, and went to bed. He was in his first sleep when his door-bell was rung violently.

“What is the matter?” he called from his window, seeing that the carriage with his guests had returned.

“Oh, sir,” cries the driver, “please sort them out once more for me; they got all mixed up!”

The Wrong Man

A monk, a farmer, and a barber met on a journey. At night they went into a tavern, but when it was time to go to sleep the barber said: “Listen, friends, to me; this place looks suspicious. I hope they won’t rob us in the night.”

“Yes,” assented the monk, “I don’t feel easy about it either; but what can we do? We can’t sit here all night, we are all three dog-tired.”

“Oh, I know what we can do,” answered the barber. “One of us must watch while the others sleep. We will draw lots who shall be first, second, and third watch.”

The monk and the farmer agreed to this. Lots were drawn, and the barber was to watch first, the farmer second, and the monk last. The barber kept watch faithfully, and after he had done everything to keep awake he took from his bundle his scissors and other tools and soaped the farmer’s head and then shaved it as bald as the monk’s. When his time was up he shook the farmer and called: “Get up, man, it is your turn now!”

The farmer awoke, but when, still stupid with sleep, he put his hand to his head and found no hair, he grew angry and cried: “What a fool that barber is; he was to waken me, and he has wakened the monk instead.”

The Rogue’s Coat

A hypocrite came into a shop where clothes were sold, and asked for a coat. Different kinds were shown to him, but none pleased him. “I need one that is black on one side and white on the other, but of the same material on both sides.”

“Strange,” said the merchant; “by your face I judge you to be an honest man, and yet you ask—how shall I express it?—well, frankly, for a rogue’s coat.”

“But, my goodness!” replied the buyer, smilingly, “don’t you know at all in what kind of a world we are living? You can’t get along with one coat. The pulpit demands one kind, the court-house another, the café another, the office another, the platform another, the assembly another, the bedroom another. If you meet ten people within five minutes it is possible that you will have to turn your coat ten times.”

“That may be,” murmured the merchant, a simple, honest German, “but if the devil gets you in a black coat, what good will a white one do you?”

His Wiser Half

A man had loaned to another fifty gulden, but having a poor memory he had forgotten who had borrowed it. He was much worried about it and told his wife. She was clever, as all women are, and told him what to do. “Go, to-morrow morning early, through the town,” said she, “and whenever a friend or acquaintance bids you good day, answer, ‘Thank you, but I would rather have ready money.’”

“I’ll do it,” said he man, and went out early next morning. Everybody took his answer for fun, until he met his debtor.

“This is an insult,” said he. “I don’t care to owe anything to anybody who reminds me of it in such a rude way,” and gave the money back at once.

Adventures of Baron von Munchhausen

“When at last my parents gave their consent to my traveling, my uncle took me on a trip to Ceylon. Our vessel arrived there after a stormy voyage of six weeks. About two weeks after our arrival the Governor’s son asked me to go hunting with him. I accepted the invitation. Now my friend was a big, strong man, used to the heat, but I, unused to it, soon grew tired and lagged behind.

“I was just going to sit down by the shore of a raging river, when I heard a noise behind me on the road. I looked back and saw an immense lion coming towards me, who plainly indicated that he meant to make his breakfast off me, without waiting even to ask my permission. My gun was loaded only with shot. I had no time to think, and in my confusion I determined to fire at the beast in the hope of frightening him away. But in my anxiety I did not wait until the lion came within the range of my gun. The noise made him furious, and he came at me with a rush. More from instinct than sober reflection, I turned to run, but—even now it makes me shudder to think of it—a few feet from me stood a horrible crocodile, with mouth wide open, ready to swallow me.

“Just imagine, gentlemen, the frightful position I was in! Behind me the lion, before me the crocodile, to my left a raging river, to my right an abyss, in whose depths, as I afterwards learned, the most poisonous snakes abounded. Almost fainting I dropped to the ground. In a few moments I heard a loud, strange noise. When at last I dared to raise my head to look around, what do you think had happened? The immense force with which the lion jumped, the moment I dropped to the ground, had carried him over and beyond me, straight into the crocodile’s open mouth. The head of the one stuck in the throat of the other, and they fought with all their might to get away from each other. I sprang up just in time, drew my hunting knife and, with one stroke, severed the lion’s head, the body falling at my feet. Then I took my gun and rammed the head down further into the crocodile’s throat, choking him to death.

“Soon after I had gained this great victory over two terrible foes, my friend returned to see what had become of me. After congratulations we measured the crocodile and found his length to be forty feet, seven inches.

“As soon as we had told this extraordinary adventure to the Governor, he sent several men with a wagon to fetch the two animals to his house.

“From the lion’s skin I had a furrier make tobacco pouches, some of which I presented to my friends. The crocodile was stuffed and mounted, and is now one of the greatest curiosities of the museum at Amsterdam.”

Munchhausen’s Partridges

“One day I went into the woods to try a new gun, and had used up all my ammunition when a covey of partridges rose from almost under my feet. The desire to have a few of them on my dinner table that night gave me a bright idea. As soon as I saw where the birds lit, I loaded my gun, but instead of shot I put in the ramrod, which I had pointed at the upper end as well as I could in a hurry. Then I went towards the birds, pulled the trigger as they flushed, and had the pleasure of seeing seven spitted on my ramrod. As I tell you, gentlemen, there is nothing like being able to help oneself.”

Munchhausen’s Black Fox

“Another time, in a forest in Russia, I came across a magnificent black fox. Shooting him would never do, as it would spoil his beautiful fur. Now, Mr. Fox stood close to a tree. Instantly I took the bullet from my gun and put in its place a large nail, fired, and hit him so skilfully that his tail was nailed to the tree. I went quietly up to him, took my hunting-knife, made a cross cut over his face, took my whip and beat him out of his beautiful fur so nicely that it was a joy and a real wonder to see.”

CHAPTER III
For Gunners

An Enthusiastic Nimrod

The night before the opening of the partridge season, a gunner and his dog were crouching under some bushes. The time was five minutes to twelve. The dog was getting restless.

“Hold on, Feldman—only five minutes more—and then we can go for them!”

Pleasure of Tiger Hunting

A gentleman who had spent some time in India and had been on several tiger hunts, was asked whether he found it pleasant sport. “Oh,” he replied, “it is very pleasant sport as long as you are chasing the tiger, but should he happen to chase you, it has its drawbacks.”

A Staff as a Firearm

A poor Jew was tramping through a forest. Suddenly a wolf came running towards him. Dreadfully frightened the Jew raised his staff, but fortunately at the same moment, a hunter who was lurking behind some bushes, shot at the wolf and killed him. “God’s blessing,” cried the Jew, who did not see the gunner, but had heard the shot: “I have carried this staff for twenty years, and never knew that it was loaded!”

A Master Shot

“Something remarkable happened to me yesterday. I went gunning and saw two rabbits, about twenty-five feet apart, taking a nap in the grass. Now what to do to get them, I hardly knew. Quickly I pulled the two barrels of my gun apart, drew the trigger and both rabbits were mine.”

Recognized

A, relating his first gunning adventure:—“What do you think of this, gentlemen! Some time ago, while I was on the lookout for game, along comes a rabbit and sits down not far from me. I shoot, but the rabbit does not move. I shoot again, but still the rabbit does not budge. Now my patience is at an end. I run towards him, and when I get close enough to knock him down, up rises my rabbit and is off. Now how do you explain this, gentlemen?”

Old Gunner:—“Well, that rabbit read you all right. He thought: As long as he only shoots, there is no danger; but when he comes himself, then it’s time to skip.”

Never at a Loss

Gunner:—“You always insisted that your old gun did not shoot straight, but now that you have a new one, you don’t seem to hit anything, either.”

Sunday Gunner:—“Yes, but now the rabbits don’t run straight.”

A Malicious Proposition

Gunner:—“I should just like to know whether that dark speck over there is a driver or a deer.”

Förster:—“We can soon find out. You just shoot at it; if you hit it, it is a driver; if you don’t, it’s certain that it is a deer.”

He Wanted Witnesses

Gunner (who has shot a rabbit at last):—“Oh, for some witnesses to this!”

Enlightened Him

Baron (to his neighbor at a pheasant hunt):—“Did you not notice; I hit that pheasant—the feathers flew!”

Förster:—“Yes, I saw it—so did the pheasant.”

The Stolen Deer

Poacher:—“Your Reverence, I have a beautiful deer for sale.”

His Reverence:—“A deer? What? Did you say a deer, Seppel? How long is it since I reasoned with you and tried to make you understand what a bad fellow you are! Did I not tell you that if you shoot a deer, you commit a great crime and that such a deer is as good as stolen? My, but I am angry! Seppel, take that deer right to the kitchen, I don’t want to see any more of it.”

A Poor Excuse

Förster:—“Now I have caught you—what are you doing here with that gun?”

Poacher:—“Oh, my! Herr Förster, I am so down on my luck, that I thought I’d just go into the woods and shoot—myself.”

A Gunner’s Memory

A:—“Have you heard the news? The Oberförster shot four deer yesterday!”

B:—“He told me he got two.”

A:—“Is that possible? Why, I spoke to him only about five minutes ago, at the Golden Star Inn.”

B:—“Oh, that explains it. I spoke to him half an hour ago.”

Improving Opportunities

Clerk (to his principal):—“Can I have this afternoon off, sir,—an old aunt of mine is to be buried?”

Principal:—“Very well, but the next time you bury an aunt, you might bring me a couple of rabbits.”

A Gunning Yarn

A gentleman just returned from Brazil, boasted of the many gorillas he had killed there. “That must have been very difficult,” remarked one of the listeners.

“It certainly was,” said the narrator, “but I knew how to take advantage of the monkey’s passion for imitating us.”

“How?”

“It was very simple. In places where I suspected the presence of gorillas, I loaded a pistol with a blind cartridge, turned it upon myself and fired; then I left a heavily loaded one on the ground and retired. Returning to the place later on, I invariably found the carcass of a gorilla, who had shot himself.”

A Sign of Recognition

A good shot knows when he has missed; a poor one does not know when he has hit.

Too Small a Price

Gunner:—“Would you believe that I shot ninety-nine rabbits within two hours?”

Host:—“Why don’t you say one hundred at once?”

Gunner:—“You don’t think I’d make a liar of myself for just one rabbit?”

Banter

Lehman:—“Gentlemen, I must tell you a pretty story of my friend Muller! Recently, while out gunning, he shot at a rabbit, but, of course, missed him. Now instead of running away, the rabbit went up to friend Muller, bowed and said quite distinctly: ‘Excuse me, sir, but I wish to congratulate you. You shot at me to-day for the twenty-fifth time, without hitting me!’”

Muller:—“My friend Lehman’s story needs a supplement. You must know that I introduced myself to that rabbit. ‘What,’ cried the rabbit, very pale, ‘your name is Muller! I thought it was Lehman!’ and he is off like a flash.”

Cautious

Förster:—“Sepp, the squire is coming to-day. He is going to hunt.”

Sepp:—“Then I had better go at once and lock up the dogs.”

Förster:—“Yes, and the calf too. The cow you might leave in the field.”

Sepp:—“Don’t know about that.”

Förster:—“Well, lock her up too; better be on the safe side.”

Queer

“Well this is killing! I shoot at a rabbit and hit a snipe!”

A Dog’s Intelligence

A gunner tells the following story of a dog’s astonishing cleverness. The dog received every day from his master two pennies, to go to the baker’s and get for himself some rolls to eat for breakfast. The master watching him, noticed that for several days, he came home without his rolls. He followed him, and saw him come from a butcher’s with a piece of sausage. For five days the dog had saved his pennies until he had enough to buy the piece of sausage.

Caught Him

At a hunt a farmer saw a badger slip into a hole, and at once he put his hand in to capture the animal. A hunter who was present, asked the farmer: “Have you caught him?” The farmer, whose hand the badger was biting hard, screamed: “No, but he has caught me!”

Thoroughly Reformed

Warden:—“Now, Killian, you are free once more. I hope you will let this term in prison be a warning to you, to curb your passion for poaching. You are a family man, and you ought to have more consideration for your poor wife and young children.”

Killian (moved to tears):—“Oh yes, sir, I see you mean well by me. You just wait and see if I don’t bring to you the first deer I can shoot!”

He Remembered

Gunner:—“Say, sonny, did you see a rabbit running this way?”

Boy:—“I did, sir!”

Gunner:—“How long ago?”

Boy:—“’Bout three years ago last Christmas.”

Great Consolation

Count A—— had lately returned from the South of Asia. Several of his friends called on him to invite him to a hunt. “Gentlemen,” he said, languidly, “I am now so used to hunting tigers, that a hunt without danger to life, has no attractions for me.”

“Well,” said one of the hunters, drily, “don’t let that worry you; I shot at my brother-in-law yesterday, while we were out gunning!”

Logic

(Two farmers going through a field.) A:—“What are you running all at once for? You are not afraid of a rabbit?”

B:—“Rabbit! Who cares for a rabbit! But where there is a rabbit, there is a gunner not far off. I don’t care to have him blaze away at me.”

On a Bear Hunt

An old Oberförster told the following yarn:—“You can never imagine, gentlemen, the number of bears there are in Russia, unless, like myself, you have been there. Once a friend and myself made an excursion from Petersburg to the hunting-ground in Finland. We had not been on the lookout very long, when my friend whispered: ‘There are two coming this way—you can take the right one, I the left one.’ A double shot, and both monsters were rolling on the ground. At that instant several more bears appeared. Bang—bang—bang—and they are all stretched on the ground, in less than a minute.”

“Oh, but how did you get time to load your guns, sir?”

“Oh, pshaw! In our excitement we never thought of that!”

A Very Remarkable Shot

Herr von N. was a passionate lover of hunting, and though he seldom hit anything, he boasted the more. He was giving a large dinner-party, and, as usual on such occasions, had his man-servant standing behind his chair, so he could appeal to him, as a witness of his heroic deeds. “Now, gentlemen, I must tell you of a very remarkable shot I made the other day. I shot a very large deer through the right hind leg and the right ear. What do you think of that?” Everybody laughed.

“John, you were there,” cried Herr von N., “you can testify to it.”

“Most certainly,” replied the servant, “it is all perfectly true. The deer—if the gentlemen will forgive my mentioning it—was scratching his ear at the very moment my master hit it.” The laughter grew to a roar. John stooped over his master and whispered in his ear: “When your Honor tells a story next, please don’t have things so far apart or I might not be able to put them together as well.”

A Kind Neighbor

“Will you permit me, friend, to shoot one of the ducks in this pond? I’ll give you two marks for it.”

“Certainly, sir!”

The gunner pays the money, kills the duck, and, encouraged by his luck, asks the farmer if he may have a second one, pays him two more marks and kills another duck.

“Would you allow me to shoot a third one?”

“Sure, shoot all you want to; the ducks don’t belong to me, but to my neighbor.”

A Good Excuse

Farmer (to another):—“I caught a rabbit yesterday. He won’t get into my cabbage patch again!”

Förster (coming up behind):—“So, that’s right; and pray what did you do with that rabbit, you rascal?”

Farmer:—“Well, well, what should I have done with him! Look here, sir; I just took the beast, belabored his fur well with my stick and carried him into the next field. He won’t come back here!”

Förster:—“Don’t doubt it at all!”

Killed One

Förster:—“Well, Doctor, what did you shoot?”

Doctor:—“Oh, ah—I—killed one rabbit—and—wounded three.”

Age Limit

City Swell:—“What a magnificent animal a fully grown deer is! How old do they get?”

Gamekeeper:—“Well, you see, that depends on—when they are shot!”

Contradiction

Förster (to gunner):—“What did you shoot at?”

“At a doe, sir,—but I missed her!”

“What, you shot at a doe? Haven’t you any eyes in your head? You ought to be ashamed of yourself (furiously) to shoot at a doe—and then to miss her besides!”

Somewhat Uncertain

Förster (to a gunner, who instead of rabbits, has killed several dogs):—“Say, when you are done with the dogs, tell us, so we can clear out in time!”

A Gentle Hint

Teacher (to the Förster’s son):—“Are there many rabbits in your father’s district?”

Pupil:—“Oh yes, sir, lots!”

Teacher:—“That’s queer; I never saw one.”

A True Sunday Gunner

A:—“Well, aren’t you coming yet?”

B:—“It takes that fellow a long time to get his duds together!”

A:—“You haven’t forgotten anything? You’ve got the ham, the sausage, the pheasant?”

C:—“Yes, I have them; I haven’t forgotten a thing.”

A:—“Then let’s be off!”

C (Pulling his mustache):—“Good gracious! I did forget something!”

A:—“What is it?”

C:—“I left my gun at home!”

A Good Excuse

Baron von Rothschild has made it a strict rule that none of his guests are to take any of the game shot on his preserves away with them. Though he knew this, a gentleman wished to take home to his wife, one of the pheasants he had shot. He hung it up the chimney in his room, and in the evening hid it in his bag. Early the following morning Baron Rothschild came into his guest’s room to take leave of him and at the same time to see whether his friend was going with his gunning bag empty. A setter had followed the Baron into the room, and as he smelled the bird at once, he hunted all over the room until he finally pulled the finest pheasant from the guest’s bag. “You see, Baron, knowing that you send to market all the game that is killed here for you, I retained this pheasant to mark him and so be able to recognize him at the market stall. Farewell!”

Consolation

A:—“I tell you, when I count what my license costs, what my board comes to, while on a gunning trip, what I ruin in clothes and boots, what my neglect of business amounts to, every rabbit I kill costs me about twenty marks!”

B:—“Then you may thank your stars that you hit so few.”

Putting a Stop to Gunners’ Yarns

Canon, the well-known painter, who died recently, was an enthusiastic gunner. Often during the gunning season he would join other friends of the sport at the hotel, and experiences would be exchanged. Now Canon hated all extravagant, impossible yarns, and one evening when some gunners tried to outdo each other, his patience gave way. His strong voice rose above the din, and everybody listened to the following story: “My setter dog,” he began, “has the finest sense of smell; a finer does not exist. One day we were out partridge hunting, but had no luck; after a three hours’ tramp not a shot had been fired. Suddenly my dog stood still, and then began scratching at the root of a small bush. We approached cautiously. The dog kept on digging, and after he had made quite a hole, one of us went up and helped him. All of a sudden he brought to me—a new porcelain pipe with a partridge painted on it. I always carry it with me as a souvenir.” He put his hand in his pocket and laid the pipe on the table. Shouts of laughter greeted it, but there were no more gunning yarns after that.

CHAPTER IV
For Doctors

Depends Upon Which He Strikes

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I am going to begin my lecture to-day, with the diseases of mankind. When a person is ill, nature and disease are fighting each other. The doctor comes and beats about with a club, so to speak; if he strikes the disease, the person will recover; if he strikes nature, the patient dies.”

At the Clinic

“Yes, beloved hearers, every hour must find us prepared to die. Death is inevitable, yes almost sure!”

Absent-Minded

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I can inform you that during the past month, more boys than girls were born in our city; but as to the weddings celebrated during the same period, the number of women who were married exceeds that of the men considerably.”

Entered In

“Gentlemen, at the last lecture we studied the outer form and structure of the stomach; to-day we will enter into the stomach itself.”

At an Operation

“Please, gentlemen, put your knives away now, and take your fingers in your hand.”

At the Hospital

Professor:—“We have no patient here to-day who needs an operation, but as his Highness, our patron, wishes to attend one, we will try one on this man here. He is a stranger in the city, so it will be all right.”

Consistency

Doctor:—“Do you make experiments at your hospital?”

Professor:—“I should say so! We have, for instance, three divisions for inflammation of the lungs. In the first, the patients are not given anything; in the second, they are given tartar-emetic; in the third, tartar-emetic and they are also bled. In all three divisions deaths are about even.”

Doctor:—“Don’t you think that many a patient of the first division could be saved, by being bled?”

Professor:—“Don’t doubt it, but it can’t be done. We must be firm, to reach the desired result.”

The Ruling Passion

Miser:—“If, as you say, there is nothing more to be done for me, I should like it better if you could fix it so that I shall be dead and buried by New Year.”

Doctor:—“What do you wish that for?”

Miser:—“Because I could save a lot of money on New Year’s presents.”

The Medicine Chest

A ship’s doctor was in the habit of prescribing sea-water for most ills. One day by an unlucky accident, he fell overboard. “Hello, Jack,” called one sailor to another, “the doctor fell into his medicine chest!”

Doctors Not Unlike Policemen

The prince of R. once said to Hufeland: “You are a famous physician. You know the human body so well inside and out, that you ought to be able to cure all ills!”

“It is with doctors as with policemen,” replied Hufeland. “We know the streets well, but how the houses look on the inside, we can only guess at.”

Bound to Succeed

“Say, surgeon,” thundered the Colonel, “several more soldiers have died and you don’t even seem to know the cause of so many deaths!”

“Oh, I shall get at the mystery,” returned the surgeon, “if it takes the whole regiment.”

The Co-laborers

Lady:—“Would you mind telling me, Doctor, how it is that you have so many patients?”

Doctor:—“That is very simple. I have three fine agents, who work for me and bring me patients, without being paid for it; they are Poverty, Intemperance, and Imagination.”

No Need of a Doctor

Doctor:—“While taking this cure, you must diet yourself strictly; avoid all fatty and acid foods; and leave beer and wine alone.”

Patient:—“Hold on, Doctor; if I must do without all that, I’ll get well without you. If you can’t help me to be well, while I eat and drink what I like, I have no use for either yourself or your science!”

Practice Makes Perfect

Doctor:—“Well, you are coughing with less exertion to-day!”

Patient:—“That’s not surprising, Doctor, since I practiced at it all night.”

A Dyeing Patient

Doctor:—“My dear woman, your husband is in the greatest danger! His hands and arms are very red; he has scarlet fever in the worst form!”

Wife:—“But, Doctor, my husband is a dyer, and was using red this morning.”

Doctor:—“Oh well, then I can perhaps save him yet!”

Curiosity

“You see, Doctor, whenever I shake my head, my brain hurts dreadfully.”

“Why do you shake your head, then?”

“How else can I find out that my brain hurts?”

The Greater Risk

Doctor:—“Well, Moses, what has happened?”

Moses:—“What has happened? My wife drank coal-oil.”

Moses, Jr.:—“Father, mother is calling for you constantly; do go in to her, so she will get quiet!”

Moses:—“The Lord have mercy! I should go to her? You go in first, Doctor.”

Doctor:—“Why shall I go in first?”

Moses:—“I have six children to support.”

Doctor:—“Well, and——?”

Moses:—“Well, and? you ask, Doctor, and yet you are a smart man. What if she should explode the moment I was with her?”

Lung Trouble

Countryman:—“Doctor, will you please prescribe a little something for me. I think something is wrong with my lung.”

Doctor (after examining him):—“You go quietly home, my man; as long as you will live, your lung will hold out all right.”

How He Got Home

Dr. Schneider was awakened at midnight by a stranger who asked him to come to a patient at a little town two hours distant. “It is very urgent,” added the messenger. The Doctor had his team brought around, and drove away with the stranger. Arrived at the town, the man jumped from the buggy, saying: “I am very much obliged to you, Doctor. I was dead tired and did not know how to get home, so I thought of you and your team. Now I shall be at home in a few minutes. I hope you will get home all right.”

Out of Joint

Augusta:—“Well, Ricke, I tell you it is dreadful to be a servant in a Doctor’s family? Just think, every morning his bones are scattered all over the room!”

Ricke:—“Good gracious! Does the man take himself apart every evening?”

Patience

Minister (at a sick bed):—“Just have patience, my good woman; all will be well.”

Old country woman:—“It’s easy to talk, sir, but I should just like to know what I have done. Lots of people die so easy, and it’s killing me!”

Death Loves a Shining Mark

“Rebecca,” said Reb Baruch, who was dangerously ill, to his wife, “get your most beautiful gown and dress yourself as for a wedding!”

“Why? What for? What good would it do you?”

“I’ll tell you. If the angel of death should enter, and see you standing there, looking so beautiful, he might like you better, and take you instead of me!”

Rheumatism or Gout

A physician who was asked the difference between rheumatism and gout, answered: “If you take a vise, put a finger between, and turn until you can’t stand it any longer, that’s rheumatism; if you turn once more, that’s gout.”

Humor on the Deathbed

When Frank, a famous Vienna physician was dying, eight of his colleagues sat around his bed, in consultation. All at once the dying man laughed aloud and said: “I was just thinking of that French grenadier, who, at the battle of Wagram, fell after being struck by eight bullets, and whose last words were: Sapristi, it takes eight bullets to kill a French grenadier!”

Very Ill

A hospital physician asked a sick old man, how he was.

“Oh, dear Doctor,” said the good old fellow, “I feel so ill, that if some one told me I was dead, I should not be surprised.”

Poor Schleiermacher

The famous preacher Schleiermacher had, during a severe illness, been under the care of the celebrated Dr. Gräfe. After his recovery, Schleiermacher wrote to him and enclosed in his letter four Friedrichsd’or—about thirty-one dollars. Gräfe sent the amount back with this rude answer: “Wealthy people pay me what they like; the well-to-do pay the regular fee; the poor pay nothing.” Whereupon Schleiermacher wrote: “Sir! For the return of the four Friedrichsd’or accept poor Schleiermacher’s sincere thanks!”

Who Was Right

The celebrated Dr. Heim, who was known to be often slightly intoxicated, was called while in that condition, into a family whose regular physician he was.

The gentleman of the house, who was taken with an attack of acute indigestion, and was suffering intense pain, confessed that it might be the result of having eaten too many raw oysters. “Give him Chester cheese, and a good big portion of it,” said Heim, and without another word, walked out.

The patient’s family, who imagined that cheese was more indigestible than oysters, shook their heads over their doctor’s advice, and thinking that in his intoxicated condition he had made a big mistake, gave him rum instead of the cheese. A few hours later the patient died.

The next morning Heim came to look after his patient. He was told that he had died in the night.

“Didn’t you give him the Chester cheese?” asked Heim.

“No, Doctor,—we thought—you were—we gave him rum.”

“So,” Heim cried furiously: “you thought, because I was drunk, you knew more of medicine than I, and in that mad idea killed your patient. But I want you to know, that even if I am drunk, I still know more of medicine, than you do in all your sobriety. Now you send for two dozen oysters at once, and I’ll prove to you that even if I do drink a glass of wine, I know very well what I am talking about.”

The oysters were brought, and at Heim’s order, were divided and placed into two separate dishes. To those in one dish he put several slices of Chester cheese; to the others he poured several glasses of rum. “Now, then,” he said, “you let that stuff stand for a few hours and we’ll see who knew best!”

Growling and scolding—for Heim was as famous for his roughness as for his skill—he went away. When he returned a few hours later and the dishes were uncovered, it was found that the oysters mixed with cheese had dissolved into a foam-like substance, while those soaked in rum were in an unchanged condition.

“Well, who was right?” asked Heim. The unhappy relatives were forced to look upon themselves as the murderers of their beloved dead.

A New Cure for Headache

A lady patient, who often suffered from severe headaches, once asked Heim’s pardon for trying a remedy which was said to be an infallible cure. She had been told when next the pain came on, to cover her head with cabbage. “Very good thing,” said Heim, “but don’t forget to put a sausage on top of it.”

Strange Effects of Alcohol

One evening Heim was called into a family where the infant daughter had been suddenly taken with spasms. Heim felt the baby’s pulse, shook his head, felt his own pulse, then the infant’s again, and at last said: “The baby is drunk; her pulse is exactly the same as mine.” That seemed a queer diagnosis, but it was soon evident that old Heim was right as usual. There had been a celebration in the family that day, and the wet nurse had made use of the occasion to drink a bottle of wine on the sly.

Good for Asses

A lady of the aristocracy bothered old Heim dreadfully with questions as to what she could feed her baby on, to make it grow fat. One day she followed him to the house door. “One thing more, dear Doctor! What is asses’ milk good for?”

“For young asses,” replied Heim, and walked off.

Wanted a Return for Her Money

Cook:—“Good Frau, since there are two holy days coming, I am going to the hospital.”

Mistress:—“Why, Marie! are you ill?”

Cook:—“No, thank God; there is nothing the matter with me, but I have paid my sick benefit regularly for six years, and I should like to get something out of it.”

His Reward

“You are an awfully good-natured fellow, to give your man his medicine, yourself. Not many masters would do it.”

“Well, you see, the medicine tastes so horrid, that it is great fun to see the faces he makes, as I pour it down his throat.”

Better Than Half a Nose

While operating upon an old man, Professor Billroth, of Vienna, told the physicians and students present the following amusing story: “Some time ago an old man came to me to consult me about the disease of his nose. He owned only half a one, and that was not worth much, so he thought I could operate upon it and give him a decent artificial one. I asked how old he was. ‘I am eighty years old,’ he said.

“‘Do you think it necessary at that age to undergo an operation?’ I asked of my patient.

“‘Professor,’ says the old fellow, ‘my father lived to be one hundred and twenty-five years old, and I don’t see why I should walk around for forty-five years with only half a nose.’”

Kill or Cure

The wife of a farmer in Westphalia was seriously ill, and the doctor was sent for.

“I have a hundred thalers in this bag here, doctor,” said the well-to-do farmer, “and whether you kill her or cure her, you shall have the money.” The patient died. A few months later, the doctor came to get the promised money.

“I am ready to keep my promise,” said the farmer, “but first you will answer me two questions: did you kill my wife?”

“God forbid!” said the doctor. “I certainly could not say yes, to that!”

“So much the better. Well, then, did you cure her?”

“No.”

“Then I am sorry I can’t give you the money. If you wish to bring suit for it—I can’t prevent you.”

The doctor took good care not to go to law about it.

Dr. Schweninger as a Statue

A porter once took a friend from the country to show him around Munich, and among other places of interest they went to the University. The countryman wanted to know what the figures on the front of the building meant. The porter, to hide his ignorance, mentioned several great men of the time. Arrived at a scantily clad Greek philosopher, he says unblushingly: “That is Dr. Schweninger!”

“Oh, Bismarck’s family doctor! But why hasn’t he a coat on?”

“Well, you know, Seppel, since he cured the Chancellor, the people just fight over him, so it is no wonder he hasn’t a coat left.”

An Uncertain Bargain

At the clinic of the University of Kiel, appeared some time ago, a stalwart countryman about forty years of age, who asked Professor N. to buy his skeleton. “But, my good man,” said he, looking him all over, “I am afraid we should have to wait a long time to come into possession of our own. What do you want the money for?”

“Well, sir, I wanted to emigrate to Australia with it,” replied the countryman.

Natural Death

A traveler asked the host of a country tavern why, being ill, he did not send for a physician?

“Well,” replied the sick man, “the people of this village don’t think anything of doctors; we all like to die a natural death.”

“Got You at Last”

A physician from Baden-Baden tells this story: “It was a clear cold night—after twelve o’clock. I was returning from a visit in the country, and riding through the forests I heard the sounds of ax-strokes. There was no doubt about what this meant. I was in good humor, so I tied my horse to a tree, sneaked up close to the thieves, and watched their doings for a while. As they were giving the last strokes which were to bring down a beautiful tree, I jumped from behind my hiding-place, crying: ‘Got you at last, you villains!’

“‘Clear out—it’s the forester!’ called a voice; and as quick as lightning the whole company disappeared. One ax was left behind, and I took it as a trophy and rode home. The whole affair passed so quickly that I could not see distinctly any one of the trespassers.

“Years passed, when one afternoon as I entered a tavern in Baden-Baden, my attention was drawn to a party playing cards. The game seemed to be lost to the man whose back was turned to me. Suddenly he cried out: ‘Mine with the bower, and thank you!’ It was the same voice, that years ago, had given the command: ‘Clear out!’

“A second game began. I stood behind my man looking at his cards. As he took up a long-expected trump I called to him unexpectedly: ‘Got you at last, you villain!’ Slowly the player turned around to me and said: ‘Where is my ax?’”

Drinks What is Good

Druggist (to a countryman):—“I can’t recommend anything better than Dr. Muller’s health-tea. That is good, and is sure to help you.”

Countryman:—“Oh, if Dr. Muller makes it, let’s have it. Dr. Muller doesn’t drink anything bad.”

Precaution

A patient is about to take gas to have a tooth pulled. While the dentist is making his preparations, the man counts his money. “Oh, leave that until afterwards,” says the dentist, thinking his patient wants to pay him in advance.

“Why afterwards,” cried he, “if you are going to take my senses away, I want to know beforehand, how much money I have in my pocketbook!”

Reciprocity

A well-known and popular actor came to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. When the operation was over he took out his purse. The dentist seeing this, said: “You have given me pleasure so often, that I am pleased to be able to return the favor, so never mind the pay!”

Secrets of Medical Science

Among the effects of the famous Dr. Boerhave, was a well wrapped and sealed package, with this inscription: “The only and deepest secrets of medical science.” When his library was sold this package brought 20,000 marks. On breaking the seals, the purchaser found nothing but a few empty leaves, on the first one of which was written in large letters, Keep your head cool, your bowels open, your feet warm, and you can laugh at all doctors.

A Pointed Answer

Dr. M. whose bruskness was well known throughout Silesia, was going by coach one day from Breslau to Liegnitz. In the waiting-room were several gentlemen waiting for the same coach. One of them came up to the doctor.

“Are you Dr. M.?” he asked.

“At your service,” was the answer.

“I am glad to hear it. Since you know everything, you could possibly answer a question.”

“Perhaps so; let me hear what it is.”

“Well, you see my mustache is already gray, while the hair on my head is still black; what is the cause of it?”

Without a moment’s reflection the doctor replied: “The cause is simply this, that you have always used your mouth more than your head.”

How He Took the Pills

Doctor:—“Why, the boy is perfectly well again. I knew my pills would cure him. How did you take them, son? In sugar water?”

Boy:—“No, sir; in the popgun. I shot sparrows with them.”

Had Them in His Head

“Can you name the bones of the skull?” asked a professor of a student.

“I have them all in my head,” was the answer, “but I can’t think of the names just now.”

Too Much Mustard

Doctor (to an emaciated patient):—“Now you want one mustard plaster on your chest and one on your back.”

Patient:—“Isn’t that rather too much mustard for so little meat, doctor?”

CHAPTER V
For Lawyers

Fame and Wealth

The lawyer becomes famous through his cleverness, popular through his astuteness, but fat and wealthy through the foolishness of his fellow-men.

Rewarded Industry

“It is terrible how slow Secretary Meier works!” exclaimed the President; “there he is behind again with a big stack of papers! What shall we do with them?”

“Oh, there is Muller, a prompt, industrious clerk, he is never behind! Let’s give them to him,” said the Director.

Secret and Public

“What is the difference between a secret and a public session of the town council?”

“When there is a secret session, one knows the result an hour later; the result of a public session, one reads in next day’s paper.”

Evidence of Dishonesty

Detective:—“Your suspicion of your cashier has not been confirmed; you may be sure of his honesty. He makes no show whatever, lives, to be sure, decently...!”

Director (interrupting him):—“Yes, but ... that’s just it; with the salary I give him, it’s impossible to live decently!”

Of Course

Judge (to accused’s wife):—“Were you with your husband when he broke into the young ladies’ boarding-school?”

Wife:—“Of course; would your wife permit you to break into a young ladies’ school by yourself?”

An Honest Lawyer

“But, Doctor, I must win that lawsuit; the contract is as clear as daylight!”

“So it is—but let me tell you, when it comes to a lawsuit, clearness is a thing of the past.”

Out of Business

“What, are you back from Africa already?”

“Yes, I had settled there as sheriff, but there was nothing to levy upon but now and then a nose-ring ... and then I generally had a suit brought against me for levying on an indispensable article of dress.”

Short Work

“What,” said the disgusted lawyer to a countryman, “didn’t I have you thrown out just now because you were too fresh, and here you are back again!”

“Doctor,” returns he, “please be good, and undertake my defense; I see you are the only lawyer who makes short work!”

Question and Answer

Lady (at a lawyer’s who is a friend):—“A question does not cost anything?”

Lawyer:—“No, but the answer does.”

At Examination

Professor:—“Candidate, what belongs to a last will and testament?”

Candidate:—“A death and a fortune.”

Suggestive Question

Professor:—“Candidate, what in law do we call one who assists another in committing a crime—who for instance, makes him a key, with which to open the door?”

Candidate:—“That is a locksmith.”

Final Farewell

Professor:—“Candidate, what does the term dos mean?”

Candidate:—“Dos—dos—I am sorry I can’t think of it this minute.”

Professor:—“Imagine you were engaged to be married. On your wedding day your father-in-law says, ‘I shall give my daughter 50,000 thaler.’ What would that be?”

Candidate:—“That would be great good luck for me.”

Professor:—“I fully agree with you. Now translate for me this mandate from the Codex. Read the introduction.”

Candidate (reads):—“Sancimus hac lege in perpetuum valitura——”

Professor:—“Stop! Translate these words.”

Candidate (translates):—“Read this—and then farewell forever!”

Professor:—“Good, very good! I also will say to you: Farewell forever!”

Saving in Vain

Professor:—“Well, candidate, which seems to you the better, that the present generation should save for the future generation, or that they should leave debts behind?”

Candidate:—“I believe it would be better to leave debts behind.”

Professor:—“Why; what are your reasons?”

Candidate:—“We can’t be expected to save for a generation, of which we do not even know whether it will exist. If the judgment day should come unexpectedly, we would have saved for nothing.”

No Criminal

Professor:—“What is a crime?”

Candidate (stuttering):—“A crime is—is, when some one—does—something!”

Professor (laughing):—“Then candidate, you are certainly no criminal.”

A Modern Solomon

Professor:—“I will put a law case before you: Mother and daughter slept with their two little boys, in the same room. As the children were dressed exactly alike, the nurses changed them, so nobody could tell which was the mother’s and which the daughter’s child. How would you decide the case?”

Candidate:—“Are you sure that the children were exchanged?”

Professor:—“Didn’t I tell you so just now?”

Candidate:—“Very well, then you simply exchange the children again.”

Direct or Indirect

“Is the dog tax a direct or an indirect tax?”

“An indirect one.”

“Why?”

“Because it is not collected directly from the dog.”

Mortgages

“Candidate, what do you know about mortgages?”

“Nothing at all; so far, I have always been able to borrow without one.”

Her Age

“You are thirty years old?” asked a magistrate of a lady whose deposition he was taking down.

“No, twenty,” she answered.

“But I was born in the same year you were.”

“Oh, well,” said the lady, snappishly, “you probably lived faster than I!”

It Makes a Difference

“What is the matter with this woman?”

“She fell on the slippery sidewalk, because there was no sand put on it.”

“Where was it? I’ll put the landlord’s name down at once!”

“It was before the town hall, policeman.”

“Oh, before the town hall! you should have been more careful, my good woman!”

Don’t Go

Professor (complaining):—“For the past two weeks a student has occupied the room below mine. The impudent fellow plays the piano and sings every blessed night, ‘Come down, oh Madonna Theresa!’ What can I do about it?”

Police Sergeant:—“Is your name Theresa?”

Professor:—“No.”

Police Sergeant:—“Well then you need not take any notice of it.”

An Acquired Interest

“How did you manage to have your attorney take such an interest in your lawsuit?”

“I borrowed a hundred dollars from him. If I lose my lawsuit he will lose his money.”

Fatal

Judge:—“Well, Doctor, what do you think of your patient’s wounds?”

Doctor:—“Two of them are fatal, without a doubt; but if the patient is kept quiet, it is probable that the third one will be healed in a couple of months.”

A Great Temptation

“How did you break into that house?”

“Your Honor, it was two o’clock in the morning; no night watchman in sight; an open window in front of me—why, you yourself would have gone in!”

Misplaced Pathos

“Gentlemen of the Jury! When the pear is ripe, it falls from the tree! This pear (pointing towards the accused) grew ripe, fell from the tree, and here it sits—in the dock!”

Before the Court

Judge:—“So the accused stole a salam, (choice sausage)—where is it?”

Constable:—“Here, your Honor, is the corpus delicati.”

Curious to Hear

Judge:—“You wish your trial postponed, prisoner, because your counsel has been taken ill; but since you were caught red-handed and have confessed the theft, I don’t see what your counsel could say in your favor.”

Prisoner:—“That’s just what I am curious to hear, your Honor!”

Among Ourselves

Presiding Judge (addressing the crowd in the courtroom):—“I warn you that if there are any more disturbances, I’ll have the court cleared!”

Prisoner:—“That’ll be much better, your Honor; then we’ll be among ourselves!”

Wished to Confess

“If it pleases the court,” said a prisoner, who so far had stoutly denied his guilt, during the poor defense his counsel made, “make him shut up; I’d rather confess.”

A Fatal Cold

Governor (to a prisoner while inspecting the penitentiary):—“What brought you here?”

Prisoner:—“My cold.”

Governor:—“What? Your cold?”

Prisoner:—“Yes, sir; I had a bad cold when I broke into that house, and had to sneeze; it awoke the gentleman; he caught me, and so I was brought here.”

Doing the Honors

Warden (to the prisoners):—“His Honor is going to visit the jail this afternoon! Prepare yourselves for it!”

Rogue (to a fellow prisoner):—“Hans, you do the honors!”

Needed His Tools

Warden:—“Here is the money that is due you. I hope you will now find an honorable way of making a living.”

Prisoner:—“Certainly, sir, you may depend on it.”

Warden:—“Well, we shall see; you may go now! Why are you hesitating? Do you wish to say anything?”

Prisoner (whose burglar kit had been taken from him when he was arrested):—“Might I ask your Honor for my tools?”

Malicious

Attorney (to the manager of a theatre on seeing the empty house):—“Why, my dear sir, is the public excluded to-day?”

Taken Aback

Attorney:—“I assure you, charming Fräulein, we lawyers advance very slowly. One is always waiting for the other’s death. Look, for instance, at that old judge over there. From year to year we have been waiting for the old codger to go off and make room for——”

Lady (interrupting him):—“Sir, that gentleman—is my father!”

Force of Habit

A lawyer was speaking at the grave of a colleague. No eye had remained dry, until, putting down a wreath, the orator closed with great pathos, saying: “Rest in peace, dear friend ... and you, gentlemen of the jury, preserve ever a pleasant memory of the accused!”

At the Mercy of the Court

Waiter:—“What do you wish me to order for your dinner, sir?”

Attorney (pointing to the kitchen):—“I leave that to the mercy of the court!”

His First Attempt

“To-morrow I am going to hand my first attempt at a drama to the manager of our theatre.”

“Friend, as a lawyer, you ought to know that even an attempt at crime is punishable.”

Difference of Statement

“Is it true that you said the man Meier here, had stolen your pocketbook?”

“I didn’t say that, Squire; I only stated, that if Meier had not helped me to look for it, I should have found it again.”

On Time

Clerk of the Court (to countryman):—“What do you want here so early? There is nobody here yet, but myself! Before eight o’clock no business is accepted. Don’t you see that it is still two whole minutes of eight? In two minutes you will find me in!”

Doubtful Presents

Rogue:—“Doctor, you got me free. I must show my gratitude. Take this watch.”

Counsel:—“No, no; you are a poor devil. Where did you get the watch?”

Rogue:—“Why, it’s the one I stole.”

Unstable Evidence

Detective (looking for evidence at the spot where a murder had been committed):—“The footprint in this anthill is of the utmost importance. It might—most probably it will—lead to the discovery of the murderer. Constable, hurry back to town at once, bring a bag and a shovel, and shovel this highly important footprint into it. We will take it back with us!”

Willing to Show Him

Judge:—“It is utterly incomprehensible to me how you could kill the man with one blow of your bare fist!”

Accused:—“Shall I show you how I did it?”

He Understood

Magistrate:—“You complain that your neighbor struck you during a quarrel?”

Washerwoman:—“Yes, your Honor, he struck me several times with his cane on—on—”

Magistrate:—“Never mind; sit down on the missing word.”

Importance of Being Precise

Squire:—“You are a carpenter, are you not?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You were working near the place where the row occurred?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you?”

“Thirty-six and a half feet.”

“How can you tell so exact?”

“’Cause I measured it. I thought right away, some fool from court would ask me about it.”

Objected to Income Tax

Magistrate:—“You are accused of loafing; why don’t you work?”

Loafer:—“Because then I would have to pay an income tax.”

A Witness Against His Will

Judge:—“Constable, bring in the next witness!” (Constable beckons to a man by the door to step up.)

Judge:—“What is your name?”

Peter:—“Peter Lerch.”

Judge:—“How old are you?”

Peter:—“I don’t think that’s necessary to tell.”

Judge (severely):—“Will you tell me at once, how old you are?”

Peter:—“Thirty-three years.”

Judge:—“Are you a Lutheran or a Catholic?”

Peter:—“But, your Honor——”

Judge (interrupting him):—“If you dare to interrupt me again——”

Peter (quickly):—“I’m a Lutheran.”

Judge:—“Are you related to the accused or in their service?”

Peter (indignant):—“I? to those? Rather not! What is your Honor thinking of?” (Laughter in the courtroom.)

Judge:—“Refrain from all improper remarks! Raise your hand and take the oath.”

Peter:—“Oh, but really your Honor, that’s too much.”

Judge (rises and cries furiously):—“I’ll have you arrested, if you dare to contradict again. Raise your hand and repeat the oath after me.” (Peter does it meekly.)

Judge:—“And now what have you to say?”

Peter:—“The Colonel sends his regards, and asks you to come to dinner to-night at eight o’clock. The deer he shot yesterday has arrived.”

Judge:—“What on earth—— Aren’t you a witness?”

Peter:—“No, your Honor; I’m the Colonel’s orderly. Not finding you at home I came here; and when I asked for you, the Constable showed me in here.”

A Pointed Suggestion

A celebrated lawyer was pleading a case before a famous judge, and made such daring assertions that he roused the latter into saying: “Well, if this is law, I’m going home to burn all my books.”

“It seems to me,” replied the lawyer quietly, “it would be better if your Honor went home to read them.”

On His Side

A lawyer once asked a minister, “If the clergy and the devil had a lawsuit together, who would win?”

“The devil,” was the quick answer, “for he has all the lawyers on his side.”

A Legal Tilt

Two lawyers, one as tall as a giant, the other as small as a dwarf, were getting so excited over a case on hand, that the giant said to the other: “Who are you? Why, I could put you in my pocket.”

The other replied quietly: “Then there would be more law in your pocket than there is in your head.”

Finally

Counsel (closing his speech):—“And finally, gentlemen of the jury, I would have you remember the golden rule: ‘Do unto others, as you wish others to do unto you,’ or would you like to lie in a prison cell, for years?”

CHAPTER VI
A Chapter for Composers and Music Lovers

Music is a greater revelation than all science and philosophy!—L. van Beethoven.

Mozart’s Affection

Mozart loved his parents tenderly. When quite a little fellow, he composed a song, which he sang with his father every night before going to bed, while standing on a chair where his father had to put him. This ceremony over, he would kiss them and retire in peace and contentment. This nightly performance he kept up until he reached his tenth year.

Mozart Before the Emperor

When Mozart was six years old, his father took him to the palace, to play before Emperor Francis I. Taking him to the piano the Emperor started to turn the leaves for him, when the boy said: “No, you let Wagenseil (the leader of the orchestra) do that, he knows how.”

A Rapid Composer

The evening before the first performance of “Don Juan” at Prag, Mozart told his wife that he intended to write the overture during the night, and asked her to make a punch for him and stay with him, to keep him awake. But exertion and sleepiness made the work so hard, that his wife begged him to rest on the sofa, promising to waken him in an hour. He slept so soundly that she let him sleep two hours. It was five o’clock when she wakened him. At seven the copyist was to come. Mozart worked now so rapidly, that in two hours the overture was finished.

Criticised the Emperor

One day Mozart and his wife were walking in the Augarten near Vienna. His wife was telling him about her dog’s devotion, and said: “You just pretend to strike me and see how he will jump at you!” Just as Mozart playfully struck his wife on the shoulder, the Emperor stepped from his summer-house.

“Well, well,” said he; “just three weeks married, and fighting already!”

Mozart explained, and the Emperor laughing, asked:

“Do you remember the anecdote of Wagenseil? and how, when I played the violin, you called from among my audience, sometimes ‘Pshaw! that was wrong!’ sometimes, ‘bravo!’”

Mozart’s Generosity

Mozart was very generous. An old and honest piano repairer had put some new strings on his beloved instrument.

“What do I owe you, old friend?” asked Mozart. “I am going away to-morrow and wish to pay you now!”

The old man, who always grew dreadfully embarrassed if any one spoke to him, stammered:

“To be sure—your Honor—I have been here—several—times I beg—a thaler.”

“What, a man like you, come to me for one thaler?” With that he put several ducats into the old man’s hand and fled.

George Friedrich Händel

For a number of years after Händel settled in London he was financially very unlucky. His operas did not take, and when his friends complained that the house was so empty, he would comfort them by saying:

“That does not matter at all, the music will sound so much the better!”

Reading at Sight

On a trip to Ireland, Händel was detained for a few days at Chester. As he wished to try some of the choruses that he intended to bring out in Ireland, he asked the organist of the Cathedral, Backer, whether he had any singers in his choir who could sing by sight. Backer named some of his best singers, among them a printer, Janson, who sang bass very well. Händel appointed the time for a private rehearsal at his hotel; but poor Janson, after repeated trials, made so many mistakes in the chorus of The Messiah, “And through his wounds” that Händel grew furious and after swearing at him in four or five languages, cried in broken English: “You villain, you, didn’t you say you could read by sight?”

“So I can, sir,” replied Janson, “only not the very first time!”

About as Well as the Cook

When Gluck came to England the first time, in 1745, Händel was asked what he thought of him. His answer, preceded by an oath was:

“He knows and understands counterpoint about as well as my cook!”

Home Again

One evening while Händel was at Dublin, a certain Mr. Dubourg was to sing a solo to an aria, with a cadence ad libitum. For some time he strayed about in different keys, but at last he commenced the trill with which the cadence closed and Händel cried loud enough for the whole house to hear, to the great amusement of the audience: “Welcome home, Mr. Dubourg!”

Too Particular

In 1749, Händel had such poor success with his oratorio “Theodora” that he was pleased when some musicians, who did not play in it, accepted tickets. Later on some of these gentlemen begged permission to hear The Messiah, but Händel said: “Oh, I am your humble servant, gentlemen; you are too infernally particular! You did not care to hear Theodora, when there was room enough to dance, now there is none left for you!”

The Villain

Händel was holding the last rehearsal of his incomparable and difficult “Te Deum Laudamus” to be rendered at the celebration of the Peace of Utrecht. Before starting, he cried, full of enthusiasm: “Gentlemen! Whoever makes a mistake to-day, is a villain!”

The sublime composition, the excellent rendition, carried him away to such an extent, that at the end of a phrase, forgetting everything around him, he stood like one inspired, and when spoken to, shivered and was unable to control his emotion. With the last note, he cried, tears streaming down his face: “Gentlemen, I am the villain!”

F. Joseph Haydn

While Haydn lived in Ungarn (Hungary) gunning and fishing were his favorite recreations. He never forgot that he once killed three pheasants at one shot, which afterwards graced the dinner table of the Empress, Maria Theresa.

Haydn’s Strategy

In 1770, Haydn was very ill with a malignant fever, and during his convalescence his physician strictly forbade his doing any work or touching the piano. Soon after, Haydn’s wife went to church, but before going impressed on the maid the necessity of watching her master closely so that he could not get at the piano. Haydn pretended not to have heard a word of this order, but his wife had hardly left the house, when he sent the maid on an errand. He hurried to the piano, and at the first touch the whole idea of a sonata came to him. The first part was finished while his wife was at church. When he heard her returning, he quickly went back to bed and finished it there.

These Brought Contentment

Haydn owned a case filled with snuff-boxes, watches, rings, medals, and other presents from all the crowned heads of Austria, Russia, Prussia, Spain, France, and Naples. He said: “When life seems sometimes hard to bear, I look at all these things, and feel content and pleased to have been honored by all Europe.”

Haydn and the Ship-Captain

One day a ship-captain came to Haydn’s room. “Are you Haydn?”

“Yes, sir; what can I do for you?”

“I’ll give you thirty guineas if you compose a march for my ship’s band; but it must be done to-day, for to-morrow morning we set sail for Calcutta.”

Haydn promised to have it ready early the following morning; went to the piano as soon as the captain had left him, and was soon done with it. It seemed to the composer that he had earned his money too easily, so during the evening he composed two more marches, to give the captain his choice or make him a present of the other two. It was barely daylight when the captain appeared.

“Captain, the march is finished.”

“Very good, play it for me!”

Haydn played.

The Englishman put the thirty guineas on the piano, and without saying another word took up his march and walked to the door. Haydn followed him saying: “I composed two more, which I think are better. Let me play them for you and take your choice.”

“The first march pleases me, so that ends it!”

“But listen to the others, perhaps——”

“No, that is impossible!”

The captain hurried down the stairs, Haydn ran after him saying: “Sir, I’ll make you a present of them. You paid me very generously. Do take them!”

The captain hurried still more saying: “It is impossible. I don’t want them!”

“Do let me play them for you!”

“Not for a thousand devils,” cried the captain, who had reached the street by this time, and disappeared quickly. Haydn went at once to learn both the captain’s and his ship’s name, and having succeeded, packed up both marches and, with a note, sent them to the musical salt. He, however, returned the package without opening the note, and Haydn was so furious about it that he tore it to shreds, marches and all.

Had No Use for Haydn’s Music

Another time, while Haydn was sauntering about the streets, he stepped into a music store and asked if they had a selection of good music.

“As much as you wish,” said the proprietor. “Here are some excellent things of Haydn’s!”

“Have no use for them,” said Haydn, curtly.

“What, you have no use for it? For Haydn’s music! What fault have you to find with it?”

“Quite enough! At any rate, I don’t want any of it. Show me some other compositions!”

The merchant, a devoted admirer of Haydn’s, said, indignantly: “It is not necessary, though I have plenty of excellent music, I have none for you!” and turned his back on the composer. At the same moment a gentleman entered who knew Haydn, and spoke to him. The merchant coming up to them said to the Englishman: “What do you think! This old gentleman here has no use for Haydn’s music!” Great was his embarrassment when the gentleman explained.

Haydn’s Kindness

The following story proves what a noble, generous man Haydn was. In 1780 the daughter of an army officer from Coburg wrote to him of a little adventure, asking him to set it to music. This is the story: She and her intended husband, a captain of the army, together with a friend and a poodle were taking a walk. The captain had been praising his dog’s talents, and made a bet with his friend that the dog would find a thaler laid under a bush now, he being sent back for it after their return home. The bet was accepted. Directly after returning home the captain sent his dog back for the money.

Now it so happened that a traveling tailor sat down to rest under that very bush where the thaler was deposited, found the money and put it in his pocket. When the poodle arrived he smelled the coin and fawned upon the tailor. The man, highly pleased at having found a thaler and such an amiable dog within an hour, took him to his stopping place in the town. The poodle watched the tailor’s clothes all night, and when, early the next morning, the door of the room was opened, he stole out, carrying the tailor’s trousers with him and brought both them and the thaler to his master.

This little adventure had been put into verse under the title: “The Cunning and Serviceable Poodle,” and Haydn was asked now to put the text to music. The lady added that she was poor, but having heard so much of his generosity, she hoped the enclosed ducat would be considered sufficient pay.

Haydn went to work at it at once, but returned the ducat to the young lady in a letter, saying that as a punishment for not knowing him better, and sending any money at all, she should knit him a pair of garters. These garters, made of white silk with a hand-painted wreath of violets, Haydn kept with his jewels in his treasure box.

Franz Schubert

For years Schubert could not find a publisher for even his most famous compositions, such as the “Erlkoenig,” for instance. In 1823 some friends and patrons published, at their own expense, the first twelve books of songs—the same books that afterwards were to be found all over the world and brought him thousands.

Schubert’s Facility

Schubert composed his songs with amazing facility. He composed his charming “Serenade” on the window sill of a country tavern in less than an hour. He was there on an excursion with a party of gay friends, who were clamoring for something new. As soon as he had finished, they sang it to the delight of all who were fortunate enough to be within hearing distance.

Orpheus and His Followers

Several young wags were making fun of a musician, and said, among other things, that he played like Orpheus.

“Very true,” said the musician, “I, too, seem to have a following of beasts.”

Carpenter and Weber

Some time ago I asked B, my carpenter, why he was so downhearted.

“Well,” said he, “you know, sir, that my son Franz was to have been a carpenter. He showed a good deal of talent for it, but now it’s all over.”

“How so?” I asked.

“It happened this way: We went to hear an opera the other night, and such music as we heard! The angels in heaven could not sing any better, and that music they said was made by one Weber. And now my boy won’t be anything else but just such a Weber” (Weaver).

Singing by Sight

To the manager of the opera at K. came one day a young girl to be examined for a position in the chorus. After she had sung a scale, he asked her among other questions if she could sing by sight, to which she replied: “Oh yes, if I know it by heart.”

“Are you at all musical?”

“Oh no; I am Catholic!”

Shoes Versus Music

The younger Pixis was to play at Hanover a concert of Mozart’s. His father kept him hard at practicing, but he seemed listless and paid very little attention to his playing. The elder Pixis, very anxious that all his sons should succeed, chided him and said: “There is still time for you to learn something else. If you do not care to make a virtuoso of yourself, you might make a cobbler.”

“Well, what loss would that be,” replied the little fellow. “Anybody can do without music, but not without shoes!”

They Knew Nothing

One time it occurred to a village organist, that by having some new church music, he might not only glorify a coming festival, but cover himself also with glory before his congregation. Telemann, the well-known composer of sacred music, who lived in the near-by city of Gotha, should compose it, and his colleagues from the surrounding villages with their choirs, should help in the rendition of it. So to Telemann the ambitious organist betook himself, and explained his errand. Now the composer knew him and his confrères as miserable bunglers, and made all sorts of excuses, but the organist was persistent and would not be refused. Telemann, partly angry, partly amused, asked at last what the text for the cantata was to be. That the organist said he would leave to Telemann to choose, a Bible text or something equally appropriate would do. The composer finally consented, and asked him to arrange for the rehearsal, to which he promised to come himself and bring some friends.

The morning of the festival brought Telemann and his friends. The scores were distributed. For the text the composer had chosen the line: “We know nothing against the Lord!” and had put it into a fugue.

“Now,” whispered Telemann to his friends, “listen to those fellows confessing their sins!” The rehearsal began, and from all throats came, like a tremendous wailing, “We—we—we know nothing—nothing—nothing—we know nothing—know nothing—no”—until at last, the whole company having shouted away for dear life—without suspecting anything wrong—was awakened from their dream, by shouts of laughter from Telemann and his friends. Then there was general consternation, the poor organist stood completely crushed. “To be sure, this does not sound very well, gentlemen,” said Telemann, and to comfort the crestfallen organist he drew from his pocket another small cantata, which he and his friends rendered at the church.

A Lucrative Position

Goldmark, the composer of “The Queen of Saba,” while traveling one day, found himself in a railway coupé with a strange lady. A conversation was soon started, and the composer introduced himself with these words: “I am Goldmark, the composer of The Queen of Saba.”

“Ah,” replied the lady, who was not much versed in musical or theatrical matters, “that must be a very lucrative position.”

Ludwig van Beethoven

Beethoven’s parents had him instructed in music at a very early age. When he was only eight years old he played the violin so well as to astonish all his hearers. In the little room under the roof, where he practiced, he noticed one day a very large spider, leaving her web and coming close to him to listen. By and by she grew so tame, that she came and sat first on his desk, then on the artist, and finally made herself at home on the arm which held the bow. Her interest spurred on the boy to do his best, and helped not a little in his progress. One day, his aunt, who filled his mother’s place, came into the little room, bringing a friend who wished to hear the boy play. As he began, the spider came from her corner and settled upon his arm. The aunt seeing the insect, pounced upon her, and crushed her under her foot. Beethoven, horror-stricken at his comrade’s fate, fell fainting to the floor.

He Beat the Emperor

Once while at court, Beethoven forgot himself so far as to beat the time on the back of Emperor Francis. The monarch was not the least angry, and often said smilingly, that one of his subjects had beaten him, without being punished for it.

Brains Versus an Estate

Beethoven’s younger brother had, by extreme economy, saved enough to purchase a country estate. One time he sent to his famous brother, just to anger him, a New Year’s card with: “Johann van Beethoven, possessor of a country estate;” to which polite action, he received the answer: “Ludwig van Beethoven, possessor of brains.”

Forgot to Eat

Beethoven dined now and then at an inn on the flour-market at Vienna. One day he came at half past two, and sat down in his lonely corner, without greeting any of the guests present, a courtesy he had never before omitted. The waiter who knew him, brought him a bottle of the ordinary table wine which Beethoven usually drank, and put the menu before him.

The great composer broke his roll, pulled a notebook from his pocket, leaned his head on his hand and remained in this attitude, writing now and then in the book, until six o’clock in the evening. Suddenly he jumped up and cried: “Waiter, I wish to pay my bill!”

“Oh, but your Honor has not eaten a thing to-day!”

“Haven’t I? Well, all right!” said Beethoven, and took his hat and went out.

Beethoven’s Poverty

The great composer’s gruff, even repulsive manner, during the last years of his life, was partly owing to his deafness and partly to the utter ruin of his finances. He was not a good manager, and had the misfortune to be robbed by those in his employ. He often lacked the necessities of life. Ludwig Spohr, in the early days of his acquaintance with Beethoven asked him once why he had not been to dinner at the inn for some days. Had he been ill?

“No, but my boot was, and as I own only one pair, I had to stay at home.”

Beethoven’s Domestic Troubles

The best idea of his domestic misery is given in his diary, an extract from which is here presented.

1819. January 31:

Dismissed the housekeeper, on account of her quick tongue and quicker temper.

February 15:

The new cook arrives.

March 8:

The cook has given two weeks’ notice. On the 22d the new housekeeper takes charge.

April 14:

Engaged a waitress at six gulden per month.

April 20:

The housekeeper gives notice, because she is no good.

April 24:

Bad day. Could not eat anything,—that is, there was nothing fit to eat, everything being spoiled, standing too long.

May 16:

Cook has given notice, because she ruined the dinner again.

July 1:

Enter a new cook. I wonder if she is good for anything!

Such was the great master’s domestic life.

Indifference to Dress and Fashion

That Beethoven paid no heed whatever to the world, its fashions or its follies, during the time when he worked hardest, showed in his appearance. For instance, he had not noticed that it had become the fashion for men to wear lace frills on the front of their shirts. A friend ordered some for him, so that he should appear well dressed. When Beethoven saw the frills he wondered what they were for. “Oh,” he said, “I suppose they are meant to keep me warm,” and tucked the beautiful frills inside his vest.

Remedy for Ennui

When Liszt made his first trip to St. Petersburg, Russia had no railroads, and he traveled over badly neglected roads in a heavily loaded coach, with his secretary and valet. One day, not far from the small town of P—— the coach broke down. Examination showed that it would take at least two days to repair it. This forced Liszt to go to the hotel of the town, a place that could neither offer him his accustomed comforts nor luxuries nor anything in the way of amusements.

Liszt was then at the height of his triumphant career, and all the joys and pleasures of life were his. To such a man the enforced rest in such a poor place, must have been depressing. Under these circumstances it was a happy thought that came to the secretary while reading a poem of Alfred de Musset. In it the poet says: “La reméde au melancolique c’est la musique.” “The remedy for melancholy is music.”

The artist was lying in an easy chair by the fire, watching the smoke from his Havana, when the secretary proposed to kill time by giving some concerts. Solely in the hope of getting a change and some diversion out of it, Liszt laughingly consented. Quickly the necessary arrangements were made and the concert was to be given on the following night in the dancing hall of the hotel.

Now either the virtuoso’s fame had not penetrated so far, or else they doubted that he was the genuine, great Liszt, for when the artist stepped on the platform, he looked at a yawning gulf of empty chairs. About fifteen persons were present.

Taking off his gloves, he looked smilingly at the little band of faithful ones, then came forward and, in the amiable, merry way he had of talking, he pointed out to them that the hall was cold and uncomfortable, while his own sitting-room was warm and cozy. He took the liberty therefore to ask those present to follow him and to take a little supper with him. And offering his arm to the young lady sitting next to him he led the way, while the rest followed not a little surprised, but full of curiosity.

With the help of his secretary and valet, he gave them quite a supper with champagne, Liszt making a most fascinating host, and sitting down to the piano unasked, he played for the mixed company some national airs, which were jubilantly applauded. It was a highly enjoyable evening for the guests and even more so for the host, who thanked his secretary warmly.

The next evening the second concert took place, and the hall was crowded. Whether they came in the hope of being invited to supper or whether their interest in music was aroused is hard to decide. Liszt laughingly inclined to the former. At any rate, the concert was a brilliant success, the whole aristocracy of the neighborhood was present, greeting him with storms of applause. After the concert, they overwhelmed him with invitations, so that the great artist was obliged to extend his stay to a week. He always recalled this as one of his merriest traveling experiences.

Paganini and the Cab Driver

Among the great maestro’s papers was found the following amusing story: “One day,” Paganini begins, “I was wandering about the streets of Vienna, when all of a sudden a thunder-storm came up. The rain came down in torrents and seemed to increase every minute. For once I was alone, which happened very rarely, as my valet generally accompanied me. I was very far from my lodgings and already so wet, that I was beginning to fear for my health. So I looked about for a cab. Three passed me, as the drivers did not understand Italian, and I did not speak German. The fourth stopped at my call, the driver was a countryman of mine.

“Before entering I asked his price. ‘Five gulden, the price of a ticket to Paganini’s concert,’ he said.

“‘You rascal,’ I cried indignantly, ‘to ask five gulden for such a short ride! Paganini plays on one string of his violin; you could hardly run your cab on one wheel.’

“‘Oh, it isn’t so difficult as people think, to play on one string. I am musical too, and I doubled the price of my fares to-day, in order to hear the great violinist they call Paganini.’

“I said nothing more, entered the cab, and in ten minutes was at my hotel. I gave the man the five gulden and also a ticket to my concert. The next day just before the concert began, a great crowd was at the door of the concert hall when I arrived, and one of the ushers called to me: ‘There is a dirty, uncouth-looking man at the door, who insists on being admitted.’

“It was my driver of the day before, whom I permitted to enter in spite of his appearance, hoping that he would lose himself in the crowd. But when, at the beginning of the concert, I stepped on the platform, there he was as close to me as he could get, among the elegantly dressed women of the first row. The applause was enthusiastic; my driver’s knew no bounds. Several times he had to be severely reproved for disturbing the rest of the audience. I never had a more appreciative listener.

“Early the next morning he came to my rooms. ‘Sir,’ he said, in the most respectful tone, ‘you can do me a great favor. I have a family, am poor, and your countryman; you are wealthy and famous. You hold my fortune in your hand.’

“‘What do you mean by that?’

“‘Permit me to put at the back of my cab the two words: “Paganini’s cabriolet.”’

“‘Very well,’ said I laughingly, ‘you may put on it whatever you like.’

“That man was smarter than I thought. In a few months he was better known at Vienna than myself; his Paganini cab created a sensation. He had great good luck with it, for everybody wanted to ride in it and he charged good prices.

“When I returned to Vienna two years later, my driver was the owner of the hotel at which I had stayed, and an Englishman had bought the cabriolet for one thousand pounds.”

Meyerbeer’s Preference

Meyerbeer’s nephew came to Rossini, to beg of him to listen to a funeral march he had composed on the death of his uncle, and to pass his judgment upon it.

After Rossini had listened patiently he said:

“That is all very well. Yet, I should like it better if you had died and your uncle had composed the funeral march.”

Rossini and His Watch

The famous composer possessed a magnificent watch that his king had presented to him. It was a repeater and also a musical watch, for it played the maestro’s prayer from “Moses in Egypt.” But not until after he had owned it for six years, did he understand it fully. Rossini took a boyish delight in showing it and making it play, and one day he did so while in a café.

A stranger who sat near was attracted by the music, and just as Rossini was going to put it back in his pocket, he stepped up to him and said: “You have a very valuable watch there, sir, but I’ll wager that you do not know all its capabilities.”

Rossini, much surprised said: “I have carried it now for six years, in honor of my king. It has never varied one minute, it repeats the hour, quarter-hour, tells the minutes and the day of the month, and plays as you have just heard, the prayer from ‘Moses.’”

“And yet, I insist,” said the stranger smilingly, “that you do not know your watch wholly. I’ll wager anything you like,—your watch against ten thousand francs!”

“Oh, well, if you have ten thousand francs too many, I’ll take the bet,” cried Rossini; “but now give me the proof of your assertion.”

“Very well,—the watch plays another piece of yours, master, and contains your portrait besides.”

Speechless, Rossini saw that when the stranger touched a spring a lid flew back, disclosing his portrait, while at the same time it played “Di Tanti Palpiti” from “Tancred.”

“Good gracious!” he exclaimed, looking at his lost watch, “it is true, you have won the wager; but how could I know?”

The stranger, laughing heartily, handed him back his treasure saying:

“I am the maker of this watch, Michel Plivée. The wager was made in fun, but I am delighted, that you, the great maestro, take such pleasure in my work.”

He Didn’t Mean It

The well-known pianist, Sophie Menter, delighted everybody with her simple, natural ways. One day in Pesth, while in a company of artists and lovers of art, Liszt among them, a young count, carried away by her playing, cried enthusiastically,

“Mein Fräulein, I lay myself at your feet!”

“Well,” said Sophie Menter, stepping back and smiling roguishly, “go on, lie down!”

“Oh, I did not mean it literally like that,” replied the count in consternation.

“Now you see,” said the young girl seriously, “that you should never say what you do not honestly mean.”

How a Fugue Was Made

Kirnberger, the son of a carpenter, was taught music at an early age. One day he sat in a corner of his father’s workshop, poring over a task his teacher had set him. Every now and then the boy would sigh deeply, and rub his forehead vigorously. His father who had been watching him for some time, at last asked:

“Well, my boy, what is the trouble?”

“Oh, father, I am to make a fugue, and I do not know how to begin!” Now fugue, in German, means also the groove in a board.

“You silly fellow, why couldn’t you ask me. Come right here and I’ll show you.” The good man took up a board, put his plane to it, and tried to show to his son how a fugue was made.

CHAPTER VII
For and About Travelers, Tourists, and Summer Boarders

At the Railway Station

L:—“Ah, how do you do, my dear sir; where do you come from?”

D:—“From Karlsbad.”

L:—“Well, how did the waters agree with you?”

D:—“Not very well. I was there six weeks and am still as stout as ever. Towards the last I drank fourteen cups of water a day, and still did not lose anything to speak of.”

L:—“You should have gone to Wiesbaden. I was there only two days, didn’t drink anything, and yet lost everything.”

Why He Curtained the Window

Tourist (to hotelkeeper):—“Will you tell me why you curtained the window of my room from the outside?”

Host:—“Excuse me, sir, but you wanted a cheap room, without a view; and as I had only this one with a view, but could not rent that at your price, we just put the curtain on the outside.”

No Cause for Alarm

Stranger (at a mountain tavern):—“Say, mine host, what is that dreadful rumbling noise above?”

Host:—“Dear me, I suppose the tavern is going to tumble down; it’s very rickety. But that’s nothing. If it doesn’t kill us, we’ll build a new one next year, and will hope to see you and your friends.”

Sticking to the Date

Official (to conductor, who is hours behind with his train):—“What made you so late?”

Conductor:—“We don’t run by hours and minutes, we just stick to the date!”

A Tough Parrot

A gentleman farmer, from Pomerania, visited Vienna. At a bird dealer’s, a talking parrot excited his greatest admiration. He paid two hundred gulden for him and had him sent home to his friend Gela. After his return he called on him and of course asked for the parrot. “Oh,” said his friend, “many thanks for your kind attention. He was a little tough, though.”

“What? the parrot?”

“Certainly, he had to be cooked for six hours.”

“What? Did you cook that parrot?”

“Why of course we did.”

“Gela, you are a fool. That was a trained bird; he could talk.”

“Well, why didn’t he say so?”

Always Demonstrating

Professor (on his wedding tour in the mountains):—“Don’t go too near that precipice, Elise, you might fall down.”

Young wife (laughing):—“Oh no, I should take hold of that pine tree there.”

Professor:—“That is a fir tree, my dear! Just see how careless you are! You would take hold of a pine tree and when you got there, there would not be one to hold onto!”

Characteristics of European Capitals

C. M. Oettinger gives in his magazine a humorous and striking characteristic of the European capitals. Amsterdam trades; Aachen conspires; Berlin talks fashions; Brussels debates; Dresden wonders; Dublin begs; Edinburgh dreams; Florence stares; Frankfort counts; Genoa laughs; Hamburg eats; Hanover sleeps; Cassel snores; Constantinople bathes; Copenhagen adorns; Leipzig reads (but only the newspaper); Lisbon works; Madrid smokes; Mainz waits for the Cardinal; Manchester packs; Mannheim swears; Marseilles sings; Munich drinks beer; Naples perspires; Palermo fans; Paris chats; Pesth talks; St. Petersburg is silent; Rome prays; Stockholm is having a good time; Turin dresses up; Venice loves; Warsaw sighs; Vienna digests.

That Depends

Lady (at a mountain resort):—“As a member of the Alpine Club, you can tell me, I suppose, how many feet this mountain is above the level of the sea?”

Gentleman:—“That—that is difficult to ascertain, as the height changes with the tide.”

On a Steamer Between Lauterburg and Worms

Stranger (who sees the Rhine for the first time and has been told that the famous Rhine wine comes from these parts):—“Ah, how delighted I am to see this great river, from which they make that fine Rhine wine you get here!”

Effective

1st letter. Wife (from a summer resort):—“How I long for a few lines from your hand!” (No answer.)

2d letter. “I am very much worried about you, do write!” (No answer.)

3d letter. “I am devoured with anxiety about you; it will kill me!” (No answer.)

4th letter. “If I do not hear from you by to-morrow, I shall come home!”

Telegram. “Stay where you are. I am well and happy! Your husband.”

Counted Everything Twice

Guest (to his host):—“Look here, Herr Ochsenwirth, my bill cannot possibly be so much. There must be a mistake.”

Host:—“Not possible, sir, since I counted everything twice.”

She Struck It

Tourist (to a farmer’s wife):—“Well, my good woman, where is your husband to-day? Isn’t he at home?”

“No, he’s up on the Alps.”

“Aren’t you afraid to be all alone?”

“Goodness no! I am always glad when he is gone, then I have some peace!”

“But, my dear woman, you ought not to say that! Man and wife belong together. I am always glad when my wife is at home.”

“Yes, while you are gadding about!”

Constant Change

Stranger:—“How high is this mountain?”

Guide:—“My father always said eight thousand five hundred feet. But you can’t depend upon that; father died thirty-eight years ago, and since that time lots of things have changed.”

On the Alps

“Look here, guide; on that signpost down below, it says it takes one hour to come up here, and it has taken us almost three!”

“I know that, but if we put that on the signpost not a decent feller would come up here.”

A Striking Resemblance

Countess (who has returned to her estate in the mountains for the summer):—“Well, Sepp, are you all glad to see me back again?”

Sepp:—“Oh my, yes! When you are not here the castle looks to us like an Alp without the cattle.”

How to Secure Notoriety

Stranger:—“Why don’t you put a railing along this dreadful abyss?”

Guide:—“Well, you know the more strangers that fall down there, the more famous the abyss becomes!”

Complimentary

Captain (to ladies on a steamer):—“Ladies, please do not look so long at the compass, your magnetic eyes will spoil the course!”

Running Water

Summer boarder:—“You said you had running water in the yard, but I can see only a pump.”

Farmer:—“You just pull a little and it runs!”

A Scarcity of Something

Traveler:—“Milk must be very scarce around here that you ask so much for it?”

Hostess:—“The milk is not scarce at all, sir, but travelers are!”

Ruin Enough

Wife (at a watering place):—“Well, dear Emil, shall we stay here on the promenade or climb up to the ruin?”

Husband:—“What should I climb up to the ruin for? To have to stay here four weeks is ruin enough for me!”

Flooded

A lady who had been to Italy for the first time was asked, after her return, how she liked Venice. “Oh, quite well,” she answered, “I was only unfortunate in finding the whole place flooded.”

Marking the Spot

She (in a railway carriage):—“Why, Albert, what are you doing there? You are cutting into the window sill!”

He:—“I’m only marking the place where we had the most beautiful view.”

A Drawback to Wealth

“But mamma, why are we so afraid of a thunder-storm? The other people on the beach don’t seem to be frightened. No others are running home as we are!”

“Why, child, those are poor people. They don’t draw the lightning as we do, who always have a lot of gold and silver about us.”

Appreciative Tourist

“Have you been away during vacation, Doctor?”

“Yes, I was in Thüringen, gracious Frau, in Eisenach, and on the memorable Wartburg.”

“On the Wartburg! Ah, I remember; isn’t that where they have the beautiful waiting-rooms?”

Prays for All Poor Sinners

“Where are you going, Rosel?”

“To mass.”

“Do you pray there for everybody, myself included?”

“Oh yes, your Honor; I pray for all poor sinners.”

What a Pity

Owner of a villa:—“What do you think of these pine woods—this spicy odor! You have, perhaps, a consumptive in your family?”

Gentleman:—“No, thank God!”

Owner:—“What a pity!”

The Altitude of the Depth

Guide (descending with a party into a deep abyss):—“So, now around the corner, and a few hundred feet further down. Then we will have reached the altitude of the depth!”

Couldn’t Hear the Waterfall

Guide:—“When the ladies are through talking, your Honor will be able to hear the waterfall over there!”

Beautiful Sunsets

Stranger:—“You are a happy people up here in the mountains; you always have the beautiful spectacle of the rising and setting sun before you!”

Farmer:—“Yes; but excuse me, doesn’t that happen in the city, too?”

Soft and Tender

Clerk (on the Rigi):—“Gracious, how this glorious sunset makes a fellow feel soft and tender. Just now they are closing the offices at home in Frankfort!”

Misunderstood

Physician (to a newly-arrived guest at a water-cure):—“The nature of your illness requires that you follow the rules here strictly. Drink three glasses of water every morning; after each glass, walk for half an hour. Exercise is the main thing. Strict diet’! Three cigars a day: one after breakfast, one after dinner, one after supper. Come to see me again in three days.”

Physician (after three days):—“Well, how does the cure agree with you?”

Guest:—“Thank you, Doctor; so far, quite well. If I only did not feel so sick afterwards.”

Physician:—“Feel sick? After what? Doesn’t the water agree with you?”

Guest:—“Oh yes, that isn’t it, but the cigars—I never smoked before!”

The East Wind

Guide:—“Yes, sir; it is an immense advantage to us that we nearly always have an east wind.”

Stranger:—“Is that statistic?”

Guide:—“I have kept an account of it for years.”

Stranger:—“But pardon me, if you will look at the weather vane on that tower you will see that the wind is west.”

Guide:—“Oh, well, that’s the east wind coming back.”

Frozen Music

Banker:—“If architecture is said to be frozen music, what would you call a Sennhütte?” (a hut on the Alps).

Professor:—“Why, a frozen Schnadahüpfel (senner’s song), my dear friend!”

Need Not be Told

Nervous lady (to the boatman before the famous echo on the Königssee):—“Won’t you please tell me when they are going to shoot?”

Boatman:—“You’ll hear it soon enough, I won’t have to tell you first!”

Cheap Pleasure

A:—“I can’t understand why people always complain about mountain excursions being so expensive. I just took a two days’ trip again, and except for a bowl of milk, I didn’t spend a cent.”

B:—“What are you giving me, why you must have starved!”

A:—“Why of course not. I had a cold roast goose, a dozen hard-boiled eggs, a piece of ham, and two bottles of wine, with me. You don’t starve on that!”

No Need of Cows

Stranger (to his host, a peasant on the Alps):

“Your butter is certainly very poor.”

“If you please, it’s our own butter!”

“Why, you just told me you had sold all your cows.”

“Does the gentleman think we are so far behind the times, that we need cows to make our own butter?”

Had His Choice

Guide (on the summit of the Alps):—“Look out, your Honor; if you fall down backward, you will be buried at Partenkirchen; and if you fall forward, at Lermos!”

A New Driver

Tourist (to guide):—“What will the team cost for the trip?”

“Seven gulden.”

“That is too much. Here in my Bädeker it says: Trip including a tip, five gulden.”

“Well, then you just let Bädeker drive you!”

Wanted a Cheap Bath

Economical stranger (at a bathing establishment):—“How much do you charge for a bath?”

Cashier:—“One mark.”

Stranger:—“Couldn’t you fix one for me for half a mark? You might give me a little less water!”

At Home on the Lake

Stranger (on the lake):—“You had better row ashore, my man; the waves are getting very high; the boat might upset, and I should be lost!”

Boatman:—“You need not be afraid, sir; I am at home on the water. A stranger was drowned here only last week, but we found his body the very next day.”

Imported Air

“I am surprised that the air in this miserable town is so fine! I wonder how it is!”

“That comes from the quantity of Swiss cheese that’s consumed here!”

“Why, what has that to do with it?”

“Well, just think what immense quantities of Swiss air are imported yearly, in the pores of that cheese!”

A New Flavor

Guest:—“I had two portions of coffee for breakfast; how much?”

Waiter:—“Beg pardon, sir, did you have it with or without sunrise?”

A Matter of Looks

A guest comes to a country tavern and asks for a glass of beer and a piece of cheese. As the latter does not look very appetizing, he calls the host and asks him to bring a nicer piece. He simply turns the slice over, so that the better looking side is turned up and says: “There you are!”

Flattered

Author (at a mountain inn, reading a fresh newspaper, left by a newcomer):—“... What! the King of Haïti is thinking of getting married?... Hm, hm! I wonder if he has read my article on the necessity of marrying!”

CHAPTER VIII
On Cycling

Street Scene of the Future

Ordinance: Every foot passenger will carry a visible number and will ring a bell on approaching a cycler. Riding and driving strictly forbidden.

Luck

Cycler (passing a carriage on the road):—“And still there are cabs—to-day, when the cycle rules the world! They are a funny sight!... Of course an old woman is in it; who else would use one of those antediluvian vehicles?”

(Half an hour later, he and his wheel have been picked up by the occupant of that carriage, both badly bruised and battered):—“What luck, that this cab came along! I wonder how I would have gotten home without it!”

Lies Elsewhere

Lady (on her wheel, meeting the Herr Förster, an acquaintance):—“Please, Herr Förster, in what direction does Lahnberg lie? I am riding there to meet my husband who is on his new wheel.”

“Lahnberg lies about two miles from here on the road to the right—your husband lies to the left.”

A Pair of Them

A:—“How is your wife?”

B:—“I see her very seldom now.”

A:—“Why, how is that?”

B:—“Well, you see, she always sits behind me on the tandem.”

Effect

Piano repairer:—“It’s strange that every week a pedal gets broken on this piano.”

Footman:—“It’s because our young lady rides a wheel all day.”

Too Early to Talk

(Two wheelmen, one of whom is a beginner, pass each other.)

A:—“I see you are getting on very well!”

B:—“Oh yes, for so short a time, I—(falls from his wheel)—you know, my friend, I ought not to talk yet!”

Wouldn’t Appear Ridiculous

Policeman (to a cycler):—“In this street cycling is forbidden; get off at once!”

Cycler:—“My name is Meyer, policeman, and I live Tulpenplatz 277. Send for the fine—but don’t make me look ridiculous before all these people. I can neither mount nor get off by myself; I can only ride.”

Each to His Need

Waitress (calling into the kitchen at a country tavern):—“For the gentleman vegetarian a little green fodder, and for his steel horse a drop of oil!”

What Papa Brought Home from His Trip

Papa (bringing his wheel in):—“Come here, wifey, and bring all the children! Now, all of you open your mouths wide, I am going to open the pneumatic tubes, that I filled on the Arlberg with delicious mountain air for you!”

A New Word

A:—“Who is that gentleman in that sporty costume?”

B:—“That is a teacher of cycling.”

A:—“Oh, a sort of velocipedagogue.”

CHAPTER IX
Authors, Scientists, Artists, and other Celebrities