Transcriber's Note
- Eighteen pages of advertising and reviews have been shifted to the end of the main body.
- In general, spelling, hyphenation, and capitalization have been retained as in the original publication.
- Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note.
- Significant typographical errors have been corrected and are marked with dotted underlines. Place your mouse over the highlighted word and the original text will appear. A full list of these same corrections is also available in the [Transcriber's Corrections] section at the end of the book.
SYLVANUS STALL, D.D.
PURITY AND TRUTH
WHAT A YOUNG
HUSBAND
OUGHT TO KNOW
BY
SYLVANUS STALL, D.D.
Author of "What a Young Boy Ought to Know," "What a Young Man Ought to Know," "What a Man of 45 Ought to Know," "Methods of Church Work," "Five-Minute Object Sermons to Children," "Talks to the King's Children," "Faces Toward the Light," etc.
"The Glory of Young Men is Their Strength."
Philadelphia, Pa.: 2237 Land Title Building.
THE VIR PUBLISHING COMPANY
London:
7, Imperial Arcade,
Ludgate Circus, E.C.
Toronto:
Wm. Briggs,
33 Richmond St, West.
Copyright, 1897, by SYLVANUS STALL
Entered at Stationers' Hall, London, England
Protected by International copyright in Great Britain and all her colonies, and, under the provisions of the Berne Convention, in Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Tunis, Hayti, Luxembourg, Monaco, Montenegro, and Norway
All rights reserved
[PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES]
Dedicated
TO
THE SANCTITY OF HOME, THE PURITY AND BLESSING
OF THE HUSBAND AND WIFE, AND THE WELL-BEING
OF THEIR OFFSPRING
CONTENTS.
PART I.
CONCERNING HIMSELF.
CHAPTER I.
THE RELATION OF MARRIAGE.
The new relation full of new meaning.—Lifted into a higher realm.—Love transforms the nature.—Marriage the estate of man's highest happiness.—The awakening of reproductive life in field and forest.—These powers may be held in abeyance.—They also have their proper exercise.—Reason to rule over passion.—The need of a strong emotional nature in men and in women.—Sexual nature should not be immolated.—Vice and lust cannot bring happiness.—The sensual usurper must be deposed and love enthroned.—This our effort and our justification,[25]
CHAPTER II.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
Each sex superior in its sphere.—Two parts of a complete unit.—Differences between men and women.—Physically.—Intellectually.—These differences complemental.—The more nervous sensibilities of woman.—The earliest manifestation of sex characteristics.—All life from an egg.—The human egg, size, etc.—The ovum always passive.—The spermatozoön, or sperm, always active.—Their remarkable vitality.—The quicker pulse of male children at birth.—Greater activity of boys.—While more male children are born, a larger per cent. die in infancy.—Women endure more and live longer.—Woman's more passive nature recognized by the civil law, [31]
CHAPTER III.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
(Continued.)
Women keep life stable.—Men keep it from stagnation.—Influence of each a corrective upon the other.—The law of mental and physical resemblance of elderly married persons.—Why woman possesses the stronger moral nature.—How husband and children are benefited.—The savage tribes manifest the dominant male characteristics.—Civilized nations take upon them the best characteristics of the feminine type.—The best characteristics of each sex finds modified expression in the other.—The beneficial effects which God secures by the union of an active with a passive sexual nature in marriage.—The well-being of both bettered.—Mutual intelligence begets harmony, while ignorance produces discord and misery.—The reproductive organs differentiated in man and in woman.—The same organs modified, differently placed, and assigned a different office, [41]
CHAPTER IV.
ESSENTIALS IN HUSBAND AND HOME.
Requisites in a good husband.—Woman's love of home and its adornments.—Keeping up the courtship.—The home, the club, and the loafing-place.—An instance in point.—The right of the wife to share the husband's recreations, diversions and pleasures.—The wife's greater need of relaxation and diversion.—Dr. Farrar's picture of a considerate husband.—Woman's love of being wooed.—Not marriage, but the parties to it, often a failure.—Degraded views concerning women often held.—Domineering wives and husbands.—The Zuni Indians.—The Scriptural teaching.—Industry essential to happiness in the home.—The claims of religion to be recognized.—The conditions of the wicked and godly contrasted.—The promise of the life that now is, as well as that which is to come, [53]
CHAPTER V.
THE PHYSICAL COST OF PROCREATION.
Boxing the compass, or proving the principles.—Prevalent ignorance on subjects relating to sex.—Lessons taught by the reproduction of vegetable life.—The green scum of the pond.—Reproduction costs life.—Death as the result of reproduction among fishes.—Reproduction among insects.—The drone and the queen bee.—With the birds, death as the result of reproduction disappears.—With animals, the ovum and sperm are reduced to microscopic proportions.—The inclination to beget, a premonition of decay and death.—Procreation costs vital force.—Reproductive inclination periodic among the lower animals.—More continuous in man.—Benefits of restraint.—Strict continence often an imperative duty.—Instances named, [74]
CHAPTER VI.
MARITAL MODERATION.
Twofold nature of love.—Rooted in the physical, flowers in the spiritual.—Lust often miscalled love.—Three theories concerning the marital relation.—Unrestrained indulgence for men.—For procreation only.—As an expression of affection and for mutual endearment.—The perpetuity of the race and the highest good of the individual consistent.—What is marital moderation?—Difficulty in defining.—The reproductive sense, like hunger, to be brought under the dominion of intelligence and refinement.—The worm and the wild animals contrasted with man in the satisfying of hunger.—Jeremy Taylor's rule.—Strong words from Mrs. E. B. Duffey.—Marital moderation vs. conjugal debauchery.—Limits set by some physicians.—No one rule equally applicable in all cases.—Physical conditions of both husband and wife to be considered.—Degrading effects of sexual excess.—The wishes of the wife always to be respected.—Stimulating food, books, pictures, etc.—Importance of single beds and separate apartments.—Opinions of others quoted.—Physical culture as a corrective.—Manly mastery worth all it costs.—The struggle not endless, [85]
CHAPTER VII.
DEFECTS AND DEFICIENCIES.
Apprehensions awakened.—Foolish and injurious expedients resorted to.—Actual impotence not frequent.—Consult only intelligent and conscientious physicians.—How to remove the apprehension.—Defects and deficiencies even less prevalent among females than among males.—Importance of proper treatment of the bride.—Rareness of deformity and abnormal conditions.—Weakness and diseased condition of the womb frequent among women.—No woman with serious womb trouble should marry.—How actual conditions can be accurately and properly determined, [103]
CHAPTER VIII.
PURITY AND FIDELITY.
Happiness dependent upon plain everyday principles.—The defilement of the breath.—Effects on wife of the use of tobacco by the husband.—Effects upon physical and intellectual inheritance of offspring.—Effects of the use of liquor upon progeny.—The duty of fidelity.—One standard for both husband and wife.—The physical risks of impurity.—The sufferings of innocent and unsuspecting wives.—An impressive illustration.—Terrible effects suffered by wives as result of gonorrhœa in husbands.—Unmistakable testimony of eminent physicians.—Not only physical effects upon wife, but moral effects upon self and children, [110]
PART II.
CONCERNING HIS WIFE.
CHAPTER IX.
THE BRIDE.
Importance of knowledge contained in preceding volume.—Woman possessed of less sexual inclinations than man.—Threefold classification.—Those largely devoid of sexual feeling.—This condition accounted for.—The large class to whom the pleasure is normal.—The third class consists of those in whom sexuality is a ruling passion.—Misfortune of such a condition in a wife.—Among animals the female determines the time of mating.—No rapes among animals.—The subjugation of the wife.—Her right over her own body.—The changes which come to the reproductive natures of men and women at middle life.—Noticeable effect of the new relation upon young married people.—The cause and cure of excessive sensual tendencies, [123]
CHAPTER X.
THE CARE OF THE BRIDE.
Few young husbands intelligent guardians of their brides.—Many brides totally ignorant of everything relating to sex.—Depleted physical condition of most brides.—Ignorant brides and inconsiderate husbands.—Estrangement often begins with marriage.—The Grecian custom a good one.—An instance where passion and impatience resulted in a permanent separation.—Plain words by Dr. Guernsey.—Mrs. Duffey's warnings to rapacious young husbands.—Serious physical effects.—Dr. Napheys on the precipitancy of young husbands.—Physical inconvenience and discomfort of young brides.—What may be regarded as sufficient evidence of virginity.—Medical authorities quoted.—Idiots and imbeciles begotten as result of liquor used on wedding occasions.—Wedding joy "too good to last."—The wave cannot remain at its crest.—Have a home.—Dangers of hotel and boarding-house life.—Danger from debt.—Industry, happiness and health.—How to have joy abide to the end, [132]
CHAPTER XI.
THE YOUNG WIFE AND MOTHERHOOD.
Manifold duties of the wife.—The great army of martyred wives and mothers.—Need of consideration on the part of husbands.—Parenthood the great purpose of marriage.—The great wrong of purposed and persistent evasion of parenthood.—It places lust upon the throne of love.—Such evasions always punished by nature.—Queen Victoria as a model mother.—Motherhood may not properly be forced upon an unwilling wife.—How to effect the necessary change of mind.—Why many wives are unwilling to become mothers.—How children mold the characters of husband and wife.—Children golden links to bind husband and wife more closely.—They are buffers to break the jars of family life.—They become their parents' benefactors.—Desire for children natural and commendable.—Barrenness.—Causes of, [146]
QUESTIONS CONCERNING OFFSPRING.
Natural for parents to desire offspring.—The prevalent unnatural desire to evade parenthood.—The crime of destroying unborn human life.—The law pronounces the crime murder.—The question of quickening.—Authorities quoted.—How the health and lives of mothers are sacrificed by abortion.—Character of "unwanted" children.—The desire to murder transmitted from mother to child.—The transmission of a predisposition to commit murder.—How the minds of young girls are prepared for child-murder.—Defective instruction and consequent ignorance.—How husbands drive wives to commit this great crime.—Awful testimony of wives.—The largest reproduction possible not intended.—Quantity as well as quality.—Culpable and criminal limitation of offspring.—Times when it is wrong to beget children.—Difficulties may be removed and fitness acquired.—How may the birth rate be rightly regulated?—What physicians say.—Unsafe, unsatisfactory and ruinous methods resorted to.—The Scriptural provision.—Benefits and dangers of "Prepared Parenthood."—Mental state at time of conjunction.—Mental and physical state of mother during gestation.—Signs of fruitful conjunction, [162]
CHAPTER XIII.
THE EXPECTANT MOTHER.
During maternity the wife should have special consideration.—Lack of intelligence often inspires fear and dread.—Discouraging and depressing remarks of some women to expectant young mothers.—How to overcome her gloomy forebodings.—The changed demeanor of some women after conception.—The husband's duty in such cases.—The wife should become intelligent before conception takes place.—The husband should secure intelligence by reading the best books.—Valuable suggestions on diet, rest and exercise from "Trained Motherhood."—Mistakes often made after confinement.—The marital relation during pregnancy.—The example of birds and animals.—The custom in heathen countries.—Medical authorities quoted.—Importance of an undisturbed maternity, [197]
CHAPTER XIV.
THE CHANGES WHICH PRECEDE, ATTEND AND FOLLOW CHILDBIRTH.
Wonderful adaptation of body of the mother to reproduction.—How wonderful a watch which could oil, repair and produce other watches, and keep accurate time.—Wonders of reproduction seen in the flower.—Death defeated and extinction prevented by reproduction.—The agony of splendor which attends the period of fertilization of the flowers.—After fertilization the flower fades.—Similar changes in human life.—Illustrated in the birds.—The changes in appearance and demeanor more marked in the female.—The greater changes within the mother's body.—How conception takes place.—Why two parents instead of one.—The womb seems almost instinct with intelligence.—No spermatozoön or ovum retained unless the two have united.—The changes which take place in the ovum.—Its reception and royal cradle in the womb.—The cradle enlarged with the growth of its occupant.—In the minute egg are ingrained the characteristics of the man or woman that is to be.—How the germ is at first nourished.—The formation of the placenta and its office, [216]
THE CHANGES WHICH PRECEDE, ATTEND AND FOLLOW CHILDBIRTH.
(Continued.)
The formation of the sacs about the germ of life.—Spontaneous segmentation.—Formation of Blastodermic membrane.—The embryonic spot.—The different membranes which enclose the embryo.—The gathering of "the waters," or the amniotic fluid.—The office of the amniotic fluid.—The growth of the embryo described by Dr. Guernsey.—The rudimentary embryo at five weeks, at seven weeks, two months, and ten weeks.—At end of the fifth month the embryo known as the fetus.—Changes indicated at time of birth.—Man fearfully and wonderfully made.—Bodily changes of the mother as parturition approaches.—The descent of the womb.—Enlargement of vagina and external parts.—The coming away of "the plug," or "the show."—Premonitory pains.—Undue apprehensions of danger.—Wonderful changes that take place in the body of the mother at birth of child.—Changes in the body of the child after its birth, [233]
CHAPTER XVI.
WHEN THE BABY IS BORN.
Birth at tenth menstrual period.—Labor-pains and after-pains.—Intelligent preparation removes anxiety and danger.—What the husband needs to know if no physician is present.—Severing of placentic cord.—The physician's instructions to be obeyed.—Should the husband remain with his wife?—The afterbirth.—The first need of the child.—The care of the mother.—Protection from visitors.—The selection of a nurse.—From six weeks to three months to secure normal condition of reproductive organs.—Marital relation after confinement and miscarriage.—Instances of cruel exactions.—Nature of first nourishment of child.—Dangers of wet-nurses and vicious nurse-girls.—The pleasures of fatherhood.—The father's duty to his children, [251]
PART III.
CONCERNING HIS CHILDREN.
CHAPTER XVII.
HEREDITY.
Only early knowledge can be of any benefit to offspring.—Our previous treatment of heredity.—The three periods of greatest molding power.—Relation of correct model to finished statue.—Education of child begins "twenty years before it is born."—Heredity in horses.—Effect of mental state of mother upon the forming unborn offspring.—Emotions effect chemical changes in the breath.—Physical and mental state effect exhalations of body.—Odors of insane asylums, penitentiaries, etc.—Achievements in development of domestic animals, birds, fruit trees, flowers, etc.—These laws in human heredity.—Modifying interferences.—"Degenerate sons of noble sires."—Causes not difficult to find.—Essentials of good soil, good seed and good care, [265]
CHAPTER XVIII.
PRENATAL INFLUENCES.
Prenatal influences illustrated.—Robert Burns, Napoleon.—A kleptomaniac.—How some murderers were made.—Guiteau.—The mother of an artist.—The twins that liked books.—Various instances named.—Child-marking.—A child with two thumbs.—Born with but one hand.—Corrective theory of C. J. Bayer.—Corrective longings.—"Longings."—Their treatment.—Their effects.—Instances given.—The mother's molding power in producing characteristics desired in her children.—Potency of this influence.—Forming versus reforming.—A word of comfort to parents of children that are marked at birth.—Diverse theories concerning the determining of sex, [276]
CHAPTER XIX.
CHILDHOOD.
The opportunities for forming and reforming during infancy.—Books and periodicals on nurture and training of children.—Importance of first two years.—Evils of promiscuous kissing.—Potency of nursery influences.—Protecting the child from vices of servants.—Danger from secret vice.—Honest answers to honest inquiries.—Forestall degrading information from vicious companions.—The parents' duty at puberty of child.—Education of children.—Their physical culture.—Moral training.—The parting word, [290]
PREFACE.
In approaching the work which we have undertaken in these pages, we have not been blind to the difficulties which confront us in entering upon so delicate a subject. If we had thought only of these, we would never have taken up our pen in this work. We have been moved to it by the cries of disappointment and anguish which may be heard everywhere throughout our land, and by the pleadings that come up out of the dense ignorance which envelops palace and hovel alike. Knowing the importance of these "matters which are so central in our physical life, so essential in their relation to the condition, character, career and destiny of every individual, and so fundamental and vital to every institution and interest of society;" knowing also the importance of proper intelligence concerning the laws which govern our bodies, and knowing how the honest and the pure who seek information concerning these most sacred relations of human life are exposed, amid the dearth of pure and reliable books, to contamination by books whose secret character designedly fosters the very lusts and evils which they are professedly written to denounce, we have felt that we would be recreant to duty, to humanity and to God if we allowed difficulties to bar us from this important work. Turn where you will, the manifest consequences of the prevalent ignorance upon these vital and important subjects stare one in the face, and the appealing need of the hosts of honest men and women who desire such information as will enable them to attain the noblest and the best which God has placed within their reach is a sufficient condemnation of that spurious "modesty" which desires that a ban shall continue upon intelligence, so that men and women may remain in a hopeless bondage to vice and its awful consequences.
Knowing the universal need for the information which we have sought to communicate in a plain and pure way in these pages, and while laboring with an ever-present sense of the difficulties and delicacies of the undertaking, we have turned to our task with greater assurance when we have remembered the appreciative messages of eminent men and women which have come from all quarters of the globe, the unreserved and hearty commendations which the earlier books of the series have received from the entire religious, secular, educational and medical press of the United States, England and Canada; we have been inspired by the fact that these books are already being translated into other languages; that without suggestion they have been publicly commended at the different international conventions of Christian workers in this country, and are also being used by Christian missionaries in many lands in their efforts to redeem and save the heathen.
To many, marriage is not that source of blessing and happiness which God intended. Its purposes and possibilities are never realized. Thousands are constantly entering upon marriage only to be miserable and wretched because they do not understand the nature and intent of their own endowments, or the purpose of God in ordaining the institution. Whatever information they ever obtain is secured by blind blunderings, and at the most ruinous cost. Even where no permanent physical consequences are entailed, mental and moral effects, which are even more ruinous in their results, remain to mar the blessings of later years. Had they been intelligent, they might have possessed from the very first the benefits and blessings which ignorance has placed and kept beyond their reach. Sad as such results are, they are still more grievous because of the consequences which must be suffered by their families, and which are handed down to innocent children who are to reap the results of parental ignorance long years after the parents themselves may have passed away. It is to save young men and young women from such disastrous and far-reaching results, and to afford them the blessing and happiness which God intended, that we have set ourselves to the task undertaken in these pages.
To secure the largest assistance from these pages, it is necessary to know that this book is supplemental and stands related to the two which have preceded in the nature of an educational series. To comprehend the entire subject of the reproductive organs, their purpose, function and preservation, it would be well also to know the contents of the books which follow this present volume in the same series.
Gratefully acknowledging the valuable aid and assistance from many sources, trustfully seeking the continued co-operation of the good and pure everywhere, and relying upon the favor and blessing of Him whose guidance we have constantly sought, this volume is now sent forth on its important mission.
Sylvanus Stall.
Philadelphia, Pa.,
July 20, 1899.
CONCERNING HIMSELF
WHAT A YOUNG HUSBAND OUGHT TO KNOW.
CHAPTER I.
THE RELATION OF MARRIAGE.
The young man who marries finds himself in an entirely new relation in life. Grand as life may have been in the past, the present and the future are full of new meaning, of grander possibilities and of larger blessing. God has meant that love should come to man to glorify life and to lift the lower nature of husband and wife into higher realms of thought and being; to transform, deepen, broaden and soften. In them love becomes the potent source of mightiest inspirations. The husband's duty seemed formerly to be to care, to arrange and to provide only for himself. Now he has assumed additional responsibilities. He is no longer to live for himself, but for his wife, his children, and in a larger sense for his descendants—for the good of the race. He is to continue by transmitting himself, that life may remain when he is gone. What he does involves the interests of his wife, and of those who are to come after him. Love is to conquer selfishness. He is to rise above himself, and the present good and future happiness of others are to constitute his well-being.
His present and future happiness will be dependent upon a clear apprehension of the fact that what he is will determine what his descendants are to be after him. He should comprehend the fullest meaning of what is taught in the statement that "we are part of all the people whom we have met," the result of past influences and previous life. What we have been and are, that we transmit. The responsibilities, are grave, but the state of two congenial souls made one in happy marriage is the grandest and most blessed earthly condition conferred upon man by God himself. It meets the requirements of our being, and, when properly understood and faithfully conformed to, brings the largest happiness that mortals are capable of upon earth. Husband and wife, parents and child, home and country, form the centre of all that makes life dear.
The purest, noblest and most unselfish aspirations and purposes derive their strength and being from the sweet influences which have their beginning and their continuance in this power which draws men and women together in happy and holy wedlock. By these sweet influences the most perfect natures are moulded and ennobled. By them are formed the strongest ties that hold humanity to the accomplishment of every high and holy endeavor. Where the mind has continued pure, and the character untarnished, and the life unsullied by the touch of social evil, the sexual impulse does not die in that cradle of our being where God has given it birth but marches like a mighty conqueror, arousing and marshalling the mightiest human forces in every department of man's nature. It formulates his purpose, quickens his imagination, and calls into exercise his united powers in the attainment of the world's greatest and grandest achievements in art, in letters, in inventions, in philosophy, in philanthropy, and in every effort that is to secure the universal blessing of mankind.
It is under the awakening of the reproductive life that the fields put on their verdure, the flowers unfold their beauty and fragrance, the birds put on their brightest plumage and sing their sweetest song, while the chirp of the cricket, the note of the katydid, is but the call to its mate—for the many-tongued voices which break the stillness of field and forest are but the myriad notes of love. To this universal, God-given passion, man owes his love of color, his love of beauty and sweetness in art and music, his love of rhythm in poetry, of grace in form, in painting, in sculpture; and from it not only springs the love of the beautiful, but even the perception and recognition of all that which is pleasing and lovely.
This is the emotion that strengthens every faculty, quickens every power, animates, modifies, ennobles, purifies and sweetens the entire being, and makes our life upon earth, when directed by godly purposes, the unfolding and enriching of those nobler powers of the soul which are to find their fullest fruition and perfection in heaven itself.
While these powers may all be kept in abeyance until financial, social, religious and other requirements can be adequately met, yet there is a proper time for their full expression and purposed exercise. While God has meant that reason should rule over passion, and that every sexual impulse should yield to other requirements and activities, yet He has wisely purposed that these leadings of our nature should be pronounced and strong. If these sentiments and emotions were not strong—very strong indeed—no man, knowing the risks and dangers which are liable to arise because of incompatibility of temper, mistaken estimates of physical, intellectual and moral qualifications, would take upon himself the responsibilities, incur the risks, augment his expenses, and assume the far-reaching obligations which are involved when two are united, "for better or for worse," in indissoluble bonds for life.
Were not the sentiment and emotions strong in woman, as well as in man, what woman would assume the responsibilities of wife and mother? Whatever man is required to give up, to endure, to suffer, to risk, even more seems to fall to the lot of woman. Were it not for strong sentiment and moving emotion, what woman would commit her entire future to the keeping of any man? Where is one who would assume the pains and perils of maternity, with the subsequent possibility of being left by the death of her husband with a family of dependent children?
If the young husband desires in marriage the joys and blessings with which God has crowned this relation, he need not seek the immolation of his sexual nature, but he does need to subordinate his sexual passion to the reign of reason and the government of the moral sense. He cannot afford to ignore the rights, the comfort and the wishes of his wife. If he looks upon marriage as an easy means of securing self-indulgence, as affording a safe and lawful means for unbridled gratification, he is doomed to disappointment and to misery. If passion is to be enthroned where God ordained that none but love should reign, then anarchy with all its attendant horrors must, and surely will, desolate the heart, the home and the life; for lust can filch but cannot enjoy the pleasures and blessings of this heaven-ordained relation, which are reserved only for the pure, who live under the domain and rule of love and reason.
To comprehend love in its intended relation to sexual impulse, and at the same time to understand something of it in its diviner aspects; to know love in its beauty, greatness and power; to free it from ideas of grossness and evil, and yet to retain in healthful balance and poise that portion of our nature which God has assigned so prominent and so important a place in man's estate of present happiness and the future prosperity and blessing of the race, is the instant duty of all intelligent men and women, both young and old. Conscientiously to relate these emotions of our nature to the highest well-being of the individual and the race, and to redeem the purest and most sacred relation of life from the realm of degradation and shame, to disarm and depose that sensual usurper which has been enthroned and worshiped in the name of love, and "set love herself upon the throne, fair, luminous and pure," to gladden, to bless, and to save, shall be both our effort and our justification.
CHAPTER II.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
It is both difficult and unnecessary to determine which is the superior of the two sexes. When the subject is regarded in its true light there is no superiority upon the part of either, and at the same time each is superior to the other in the sphere in which God designed them to move. The truth was perhaps aptly represented by President Lincoln when presented at the same time with two hats by rival hatters. Both hats were about as perfect as it was possible for human skill to make them. He desired to recognize this perfection in both, and yet to avoid discrimination in favor of either, and in that matchless sufficiency which qualified him for the demands of almost any situation, Mr. Lincoln, in accepting the hats, said: "Gentlemen, your hats mutually excel each other." The same is true of men and women; they mutually excel each other. In man's place, he is superior; and in woman's place, she is superior. The wisdom with which God has adapted each for the important place which they are to occupy in life is well worth our thought and study, and a clear apprehension of the subject will help to remove many of the misunderstandings, estrangements and conflicts which so frequently arise in married life.
That neither is superior to the other, but that they are two parts of one complete whole, segments of the same circle, and that their union is absolutely essential to unity and entirety, will be best understood as we study what these differences are. In some respects man is inferior to woman, while in other respects woman is inferior to man. In a happy marriage these differences become complemental, rendering possible that superior unity in which the two are made one. Let us note what some of these differences are.
In stature, woman is shorter than man. In the United States the average height of men is about five feet eight inches, and the weight about one hundred and forty-five pounds. The average woman is about five feet three inches in height, and about one hundred and twenty-five pounds in weight. The normally-developed man has broad shoulders and narrow hips, while woman has narrow shoulders and broad hips. Her shoulders set further back, giving her breast greater depth. In effecting this change her collar-bone is shorter, and this is one reason why she cannot throw a stone or ball with as much accuracy as man. In man the muscles are well defined, and indicate great strength, while in woman, even when the muscles are well developed, the outlines are more hidden by fatty and cellular tissues, which fill all the hollows and round off all angles, giving her peculiar grace and beauty. He has greater muscular force, but she has more power of endurance. The bony structure of woman is smaller, and more delicately formed. The angles of the bones are less projecting, and the joints better concealed. The skull is smaller, and the bones of the cranium thinner. The sternum, or breastbone, is shorter and flatter, and the clavicles, or collar-bones, more crooked and shorter. His voice is deeper and more guttural; hers softer and more musical. Her neck is longer, her skin softer, her hair less generally diffused but more luxuriant in growth than in man.
The most noticeable feature in the study of the differences of the bony structure of the two sexes is observable in the pelvis—a word derived from the Greek, signifying dish or bowl. In man this structure is simply to subserve the purposes of strength and motion. In woman this bony basin, which forms the lower part of the body, has an additional purpose of special importance. At her side the hip-bones form the highest points, and from these the pelvis slopes down until in front it forms a comparatively narrow rim called the pubic arch. This change of form in woman is designed to adapt her body to become the first cradle of her children, and in the fullness of time to permit the easy transit of a new being into the outer world. In preparing woman for maternity, God has thus equipped her with such physical adaptation as is suited to the carrying of her temporary burden, while at the same time affording protection for the hidden life within, thus fitting the physical frame of woman to the mother-nature with which He has endowed her.
While woman is thus furnished with physical requisites suited to the easiest accomplishment of the divine purpose—while the form of her body, the articulation of her bones and the size of her muscles all indicate her sense of dependence upon man—God has, with like wisdom, adapted man in all of his physical endowments to become the shield and defender of woman. He is to be her protection and her defense. His fiercer visage, his broader shoulders, his more muscular frame, all speak clearly of the divine purpose.
Intellectually, as well as physically, men and women are best suited for their respective duties and responsibilities in life. In arriving at a conclusion, man is much more deliberate and logical, proceeding step by step after an orderly method; while woman reaches the conclusion in much less time by means of her intuition. While woman is by no means incapable of logical deductions, yet generally she does not stop to reason it out, but takes refuge in the statement that she "knows that it is so;" that she is "sure that she is right." It is easy to see that intellectually, as well as physically, men and women are complemental, and when the conclusions arrived at are identical they become confirmatory of each other. While men would be likely to prefer the conclusions which are reached by their own method, yet women in the exercise of the same freedom are likely to prefer the intuitions of their own sex. For either to decide in favor of the intellectual superiority of their own sex would be somewhat like the case of two men engaged in a lawsuit, where one takes it upon himself to become umpire and decide in favor of himself and against his opponent.
The nervous system of woman is more refined and more delicate than that in man. This greater nervous sensibility renders her more susceptible to impressions, enables her to dwell constantly in the realm of more refined susceptibilities, rendering distasteful to her all things that are coarse and low, and at the same time endowing her with a greater capacity both for pleasure and for pain. Man's sources of pleasure are not always hers, but in love of her home and its adornment, in love of her children and their well-being, of literature, art, music and religion, she usually surpasses man, save in exceptional cases.
To enable woman, with her finer nervous sensibilities, to meet the larger burden of pain and suffering which is laid upon her, God has adequately fitted her by bestowing a compensating power of endurance. If we desire to deny woman this greater sensitiveness and greater endurance we would need to ignore the patience and bravery with which they face and bear the pains and perils of maternity—pains and sufferings of which they assert that man cannot form the remotest idea.
But there are also other differences less manifest to the superficial observer, but none the less real and important to those who would comprehend the wonderful wisdom of the Creator and intelligently prepare themselves to receive the good which is designed for and is possible to intelligent men and women.
There are inherent differences of character and modifications of temperament which can be best understood by studying the very earliest manifestations of human life when we examine the sperm of the male and the ovum of the female as seen under the microscope. These characteristics are not imaginary, but inherent, and are manifestly designed and intended by the all-wise Creator. And it is only when we study these characteristics in their entirety, with a desire to understand the divine purpose, that we can measurably comprehend how these individual differences in each contribute to the blessing and the well-being of both.
The part contributed by the mother in the reproductive act toward the life of the future child is called an ovum, which means an egg; for all forms of life, both vegetable and animal, begin with a seed or egg, which are two names for the same thing. In the lower forms of life these eggs are usually produced on the exterior of the plant, while in the higher forms of life, as, for instance, in the bird, the seed or egg is produced in the inside of the body, and after being perfected is expelled, to be hatched in a nest, where the young, when they attain their proper size, break the shell and emerge into the outer world. In the highest forms of life the ovum reaches its maturity in a department of the mother's body which is called the ovary. In woman, at the end of a period of twenty-eight days, as a succeeding ovum ripens it passes into a tube which awaits its reception, and is moved onward into the womb, where it remains for a period, awaiting the reception of the male element called the spermatozoa. This is the plural, while a single one is called a spermatozoön. The ovum or egg of the mother is so small that two hundred and forty of them would need to be laid side by side in order to make a row one inch long. The spermatozoön, the principle of life contributed by the male, is so small that it is not visible to the eye except by the aid of a microscope, and, when seen, somewhat resembles a pollywog. These minute centres of life are alive, and move in a fluid which is secreted by the male organs of reproduction, and which is generally called semen. Now, if we study the characteristics of the ovum and of the spermatozoön we may be surprised when we discover some of the same differences which characterize men and women from infancy to old age.
In passing through the tube which is to carry it into the womb from that portion of the body of the mother where it has attained its growth and perfection, the ovum is passive—does not move by its own inherent life, but is carried forward to its designed place by the movement in the tube itself, the same as the food which is masticated in the mouth is passed on to the stomach, not by any action in the food itself, but by the movement of the esophagus, which passes it onward to its destined place in the stomach. In other words, the ovum is passive.
When we come to the spermatozoa, or sperm, of the male, we find an entirely different manifestation. Just the same as you see the pollywog moving in the water, or tiny fish swimming about in the pool, so the spermatozoa move with activity and vigor in the semen, and when this has been transferred to the interior of the body of the mother in the manner in which God designed, it retains its activity, moving vigorously about in the upper portion of the vaginal cavity until it finds the entrance into the womb. Passing through and above the cervix, it continues to move about with great activity until it finds an ovum, which it seeks with avidity. When it reaches the womb, if there is no ovum present, it may remain there for a period of days awaiting its arrival, or may find its way into one of the Fallopian tubes which lead out to the ovary, and even go in quest of the object of its search as far as the ovary itself. These little creatures, one-fortieth of an inch in length, and requiring that hundreds of them should be laid side by side in order to extend one single inch, are so numerous that hundreds of them exist in a single drop of semen, and yet a single one is all that is necessary in order to fertilize the ovum and render complete the beginning of a new life.
While the ovum is passive, the sperm of the male is characterized by great activity and remarkable vitality. Dr. Napheys says: "The secretive fluid has been frozen and kept at a temperature of zero during four days, yet when it was thawed, these animalcules, as they are supposed to be, were as active as ever." In her interesting book, entitled "Life and Love," Margaret Warner Morley says: "Under the microscope these active forms have been seen eagerly moving around and around the egg until one, more fortunate than the rest, finds admission and dissolves into the substance of the egg—not to be finally lost, however, for, as we know, this inexplicable union results in the growth of a new creature like neither parent, and yet like both, each cell having given to the new life certain characteristics of the creature from which it was derived."
This greater activity of the sperm is seen also at the birth of the child; for physicians tell us that the pulse of a male child at birth beats two or three times a minute faster than that of a female child. The tissues of the male are also characterized by the same superior activity; and not only among men, but among all creatures. The tissues of the male have a greater tendency to change than those of the female. In the very fibre of her structure she is quiet, while he is more active.
Characterized by this more marked vitality, more sturdy form and more muscular frame, we would naturally expect that the vitality of male children would be greater than that of female children. But this is not the case. It is claimed by some good authorities that about five per cent. more male than female children are born into the world, but at five years of age more girls are alive than boys.
And what may seem increasingly strange, when we consider the greater perils to which the life of women is exposed in childbearing, the "expectation of life," as life-insurance companies designate it, is greater in woman than in man, and when the census of old persons is taken, the larger number of them are women.
The civil law recognizes this more passive nature of females and the more intense activity of males by regarding the man as the criminal in all actions for fornication or bastardy. While public sentiment ostracizes and is more severe and unrelenting with the woman, the law always inflicts its penalty upon the man.
CHAPTER III.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
Continued.
These differences in temperament indicate the infinite wisdom of the Creator, and to any thoughtful observer the many benefits must be manifest. Longfellow, in his "Hiawatha," says:
"As unto the bow the cord is,
So unto the man is woman.
Though she bends him, she obeys him;
Though she draws him, yet she follows:
Useless each without the other."
Woman might be said to be, both in the family and in society, the centripetal force, insuring permanency, attracting and drawing to herself and within herself, thus preventing, in the family and in society, the tendency to fly from the centre and to produce chaos. Man is life's centrifugal force. The impetuosity and velocity of his nature tend to throw everything from the centre. His influence is to prevent gravitation from drawing everything to a given point, where all would become a state of rest. While woman keeps life stable, man keeps it from stagnation; but it requires the reciprocal influence of each to secure that harmony which God intended. Woman's stability unmodified by man's influence would tend to result in complete rest, which would mean stagnation and death. Man's greater impetuosity would lead to instability, unrest, and possible chaos. As, in nature, the centrifugal and centripetal forces equalize and balance themselves, swaying the spheres in fixed orbits, so the influences of men and women upon each other, both in the family and in society, help to secure and maintain an even balance. While opposite in tendency, they are yet of equal necessity and of equal value. Each is essential to the perfection and completeness of the other, and perfect unity is only secured by the union of the two.
The reciprocal influences of men and women are oftentimes noticed in old couples who have passed thirty or forty years together in peace and harmony, each living year after year under the moulding power of the other, and each being moulded by the surroundings and influences which have wrought upon the other. Year after year they become more alike in form, feature and expression. Their views and opinions become increasingly harmonized, until there comes also to be a mental resemblance. That they have lived in the midst of the same surroundings and breathed the same air, have eaten the same kind of food, have shared each other's joys and pleasures, have laughed and wept together, have been under the formative influences of the same conditions, tend in a measure to this increasing likeness; but under the reciprocal influences each has lost a portion of this more pronounced personality and taken upon himself or herself the physical, intellectual and moral features of the other. Their union has constantly tended to unity.
In religious matters there is also a noticeable difference between men and women. Generally, woman responds more readily to religious teachings and influences, and by nature she manifestly follows the Master's leadings more closely than her male companion; and there are good reasons evident why this should be so. With the uninterrupted duties of the household, which are oftentimes even multiplied on Sundays, it is necessary that a moral sense correspondingly more acute should prompt her to overcome the difficulties which beset her in her approach to the sanctuary, and God has given her that added moral force which is designed to enable her to overcome the increased resistance which she meets in the performance of her religious duties. There are times also when, in the discharge of her special duties as wife and mother, for weeks, and even for months, she is called upon to minister to others in sickness, or give herself to the care of infant children; and were it not for the larger endowment of her devotional nature, these repeated and prolonged but enforced absences from God's house would result in the formation of a fixed habit which would eventually wholly keep the majority of women from attendance upon all religious assemblies.
But in view of the important fact that God has more largely entrusted the moral and religious training of the children to the mother, we need to think but for a moment to understand what would be the result if her own nature was not endowed with sufficient strength to enable her to overcome every barrier, and to rise to the higher plane of duty and responsibility in this matter. The exceptional instances of mothers who are themselves deficient in their moral nature and neglectful of religious duties, and who, on that account, fail utterly in the moral and religious training of their children, are quite sufficient to illustrate what would be the condition in the home, in the Church, the community, and the State, if God had not endowed woman with a stronger moral nature and a keener sense of religious obligation than is found in man. It is by this more active moral sense in woman that the religious poise and balance of the family is maintained; and its benign results are often seen, not only in the children, but in the husband as well.
The complemental differences in the intellectual and moral natures of men and women are as essential to the highest and best development of the entire nature of each as the complemental physical and sexual differences of each are indispensable to that union in which the two are made one in the child which is begotten of the father and born of the mother.
This reflexive and reciprocal influence of each sex upon the other to the mutual modification and advantage of both is clearly seen in the nation, as well as in the life of the family. This thought is beautifully presented by Margaret Warner Morley in her book entitled "Life and Love": "In the lower life, and in savages, the community in its characteristics approaches the masculine type; it is selfish, egoistic, unstable, variable. The herd of buffalo, for illustration, roams about in search of food and water, charging relentlessly and destroying whatever enemy comes in its way. The savage tribe often has no fixed abode, but roams about from place to place; where it has a home it is, as a rule, given to frequent war with its neighbors, and is liable to be uprooted by a stronger foe and absorbed, and thus lost, or it may be destroyed or compelled to move on. While this is true in the savage community as a whole, that is, considered as a nation, a unit; in its internal organization, on the other hand, it is essentially feminine in its characteristics; its habits are simple, stable, not liable to change. It makes no inventions, elaborates no complex machinery."
In civilized life, the opposite characteristics predominate. The community as a whole constantly takes upon itself the best characteristics of the feminine type. It becomes stable, less given to change. It does not seek war, but prefers peace, becomes more and more quiescent and altruistic.
While these external changes are discernible, corresponding changes take place in the internal national life. The civilized nation tends to move away from the feminine toward the masculine type. Inventions and innovations constantly change the order of things. National existence is established, but the existence of the individual calls for a more vigorous struggle. Competitions become fierce, and the struggle between labor and capital becomes more intense, and the exertion of personal energy merges into an effort to secure prestige and place, wealth and power; consequently the higher faculties generally obtain their larger development.
In this approach toward the feminine type the community as a whole parts with some of its less desirable masculine expressions; it becomes modified, less angular. The desire for war departs, courage remains, and energy finds expression in new and nobler directions. But while these changes are taking place, the community does not discard all its masculine characteristics. It simply parts with the lower or least desirable of each, while the best elements of both are united in the new manifestation.
To quote further from Miss Morley's interesting paragraphs: "Certain changes which mark the advanced community as a whole, necessarily, and in no less degree, mark the individuals composing it. The sexes are not sharply distinguished from each other in the intellectual and emotional realms. On the whole, men as a class probably show a preponderance of what may be termed masculine characteristics, as greater egoism, variability, activity; but these masculine characteristics have been modified, lessened, effeminized, so to speak. In the higher type of man the best and highest feminine characteristics have been fused with the best and highest masculine characteristics. The fighting instinct, for instance, has become moral courage; the tendency to vary expresses itself in great intellectual development; instability and restlessness have become intellectual rather than physical qualities, leading to notable inventions and discoveries.
"Brave and gentle, strong and tender, inventive and patient, the finest type of man owes his superiority to the transforming and illuminating power of his inheritance of womanly qualities.
"In the higher type of woman the best and highest masculine characteristics have been fused with the best and highest development of the feminine characteristics. Altruism, for instance, has been rationalized and guarded by the exercise of greater reasoning power; stability, or inertia, has been lessened and prevented from forming an insurmountable barrier to progress. The tendency to vary has been strengthened; the more negative nature has progressed to a more positive condition. Courage, inventiveness and greater strength of intellectual perception have been fostered in civilized woman. Her submission to man gradually lessens before the upward progress of her mind. She places herself as his equal—as the other half, without which his half-life cannot be complete.
"Nor does this borrowing of the characteristics of each by the other mean the merging of the two sexes into one,—the obliteration of sex difference, and hence of sex attraction. It means the elevation of man by developing his masculine qualities in the direction of their highest possibilities, and by adding to manhood a new charm, a subtle grace, an irresistible beauty. It means the elevation of woman by the development of her womanly qualities in the direction of their highest possibilities, and by adding to womanhood a new power, a deeper, more far-reaching sympathy, an ineffable glow and a nobler beauty.
"The mind is a mighty solvent; through it the two sexes have been united in an intellectual union, from which has been born a new man with the dominant masculine characteristics developed in the noblest direction, and enriched by union with feminine characteristics, and a new woman with the feminine characteristics grandly developed and enhanced by what was once in the province of masculine knowledge and activity."
In harmony with what we have been considering in this chapter, it is eminently proper to discuss briefly the reciprocal sexual tempers and tendencies of married men and women. While the discussion of the various modifications of these differences does not belong to this chapter, yet the recognition of the fact itself and a noting of the beneficial, reactionary and reciprocal effects are pre-eminently in place just at this point.
The active nature of the sperm of the male and the passivity which distinguishes the ovum of the female characterize the two sexes from the beginning to the end of their existence. The greater activity of the sperm, the quickened pulse of the male child at birth, the more restless nature of the boy-baby, his running, climbing, active life throughout childhood and adolescence—these traits characterize not only his boyhood, his days of developing manhood, but his marital relations as well.
With rare exceptions, both of person and of instances, in married life all the sexual aggressiveness is with the male. Wives seldom seek the closer embraces of their husbands. They are generally indifferent; often absolutely averse. With the husband, while in perfect health, the conditions are quite the opposite; and the wisdom of the Creator is manifest in the fact that were the wife equally quickened by the same amative tendencies, the male nature would be called into such frequent and continuous exercise that the power of reproduction would be either totally destroyed or so impaired that the race would degenerate into moral, intellectual and physical pigmies. God has made the passivity of the wife the protection of her husband and a source of manifold blessing to their children.
Upon the other hand, her uninterrupted and entire neglect of the sexual relation is wisely overcome, to the advantage of the wife, by her husband's greater sexual activity, while at the same time her restraining passiveness is made his safeguard and security. Each brings into the married relation inclinations and propensities which are to modify the other, to the mutual benefit of both.
If husbands and wives only knew and adequately realized these facts, and harmonized their thought and conduct toward each other accordingly, much of the discord, estrangement and consequent unhappiness in married life would be eliminated and disappear. When both alike recognize these differences and the Wisdom which has made them to differ, and when each is willing to accept the modifying influence of the other in the manner in which God has intended, the discord and misery which blight thousands of lives and destroy such multitudes of homes will give place to a benediction and blessing which will restore to earth a larger measure of the happiness of Eden.
But before closing this chapter upon the complemental differences between the two sexes, it will be interesting to observe some remarkable similarities in the reproductive organs themselves, and to note how, in that infinite wisdom which is marvelous in our eyes, God has so modified their form and office that the external organs of reproduction in man become the internal and seemingly different organs of reproduction in woman.
To understand the full significance of what we have briefly to say upon this subject it will be well to recall the fact that in man and animals even those physical characteristics which may be regarded as strictly feminine are present in a rudimentary form in the male, and vice versa. Let a single instance suffice. The paps and breasts of the male are but the diminutive and dormant breasts and nipples of the female; and this is true not only with man, but with the lower animals.
The male not only simulates but really possesses in rudimentary form all the parts and powers which characterize the fuller development in the opposite sex.
That this is true is demonstrated by the cases of abnormal sexual development which at long intervals are born in different lands, and by the occasional instances in heathen countries where old men, after prolonged stimulation of the breasts, are made effectively to serve as nurses for infants.
As the pelvic bone in man and woman is modified by the various changes of form which adapt it to the different necessities of each sex, so in a large measure are the reproductive organs, primarily, the same in men and women.
If you enlarge the curve of the pelvic frontal, then press the scrotum or sack of the male upward into the body, it will correspond to the vagina and the womb of the female. Move the testicles to the right and the left and you have their counterparts, the ovaries, while the spermatic cords form the Fallopian tubes for the passage of the completely formed ovum from the ovaries to the womb. Without materially disturbing its position, diminish the sexual member of the male and you have the clitoris of the female.
It is readily seen that with these changes of position, together with slight modifications of form and function, those parts which to the unobservant and the unthoughtful seem wholly different in the two sexes are, after all, discovered to be only diversified forms of the same thing.
But this very fact, however, invests the study of this subject with increased interest, and displays in an unexpected manner the wonderful wisdom which characterizes everything that God has created; for as these organs take upon themselves the modifications of either sex, every other organ and faculty that together constitute the individual must be so modified as to adjust the physical, intellectual, social and moral natures into harmonious unity of personality.
CHAPTER IV.
ESSENTIALS IN HUSBAND AND HOME.
Before writing of what a young husband ought to know with regard to his wife and his children, subjects which are to engage our thought in Part Second and Part Third, it is important that we should carefully consider some matters which he ought to know concerning himself; for his future happiness, and usefulness as well, will be quite as much dependent upon the mental, physical and moral equipment which he personally brings to the union as the endowments and qualifications which are possessed by his partner and companion.
If your wife is to have a fair chance for a pleasant home and a happy and useful life, she will need a husband who can sacrifice his personal luxuries and self-indulgences in order that he may share with her and the family the comforts and blessings of their home—a man who will scorn the saloon, avoid the club, remain away from the lodge, give up his cigar, and spend his time and his money for the comfort and happiness of his family.
There are hundreds of homes which are rendered unhappy, and in many senses miserable, because of the neglect and want which are due wholly to the selfishness and lack of consideration upon the part of the husband. If you wish to preserve and perpetuate that which is noblest and best in your wife and your children, you can only do so by making your home the centre of your thought, and by making your loved ones the sharers of your purse and your pleasures. If you wish them to live for your comfort and happiness, they have an equal right to expect you to live and sacrifice for their comfort and happiness. Almost any promising bride may soon be made an ill-tempered wife, a discontented homekeeper and an indifferent mother by an improvident, extravagant, selfish and neglectful husband. In most instances, ruined homes come principally from drink, idleness, bad temper, shiftlessness and thriftless habits, brutal husbands, slatternly wives and Christless living. Do your duty faithfully to your wife and your children, and then, if home and happiness are wrecked, the responsibility will not rest upon you.
In woman, the love of home is usually more dominant than in man. By cultivating this in yourself you will produce a harmony of thought and purpose which will contribute greatly to the comfort and well-being of both. Adorn your home with your own hands. Beautify the lawn, the shrubbery, and all external surroundings. It matters not how great your wealth, or how small your purse, every consideration, effort and sacrifice you make in these directions will add to your own health and happiness and endear you to your wife. In the development of this common interest, you may secure in your own experience and the experience of your wife that happiness which is so manifest in springtime in the united industry of the two robins as they mold and fashion the nest together, moved by a common impulse and the premonition of the birdlings that are soon to be.
Be devoted. Keep up your courtship. Remember and repeat the little attentions which gave you pleasure months and years ago simply because you knew that they were a source of pleasure to the one whom you coveted as your bride and companion for life. How can your wife love and respect you if you neglect and forsake her? During your courtship, the club, the lodge and the society of others had to accept second place. You preferred her company to that of all others. If you are to her and she to you what each should be, this preference of the one for the society and companionship of the other will continue throughout life. Your home will be your clubhouse, and no society, or gilded hall, or corner grocery with its lounging company, will be able to attract you from her and from your home.
Most men who frequent these places are attracted there; but some go there because repelled from their homes. There are women whose inconsiderate treatment of their husbands repels them from their families and their homes, and the husbands simply resort to the club or other place of assemblage in their natural search for a place of refuge and fellowship. But such instances are the exception. In the majority of cases the fault is largely, if not wholly, with the husband. Oftentimes his conduct is due to his thoughtlessness, but more frequently to pure selfishness.
Recently the writer called at the home of a mechanic to secure his services in a job of work. It was between eight and nine o'clock in the evening, and quite dark. For some time no one answered our knock. Finally a young wife, looking pale, weary and lonely, bearing a large lamp in one hand and a small child on the other arm, opened the door of the desolate home. We had a right to expect to find the husband and father at home, but no; to our inquiry we were told that we would likely find him at the toll-gate, the harness-maker's, or the grocery. Unless indications were deceptive, here was a case of cold indifference and selfish neglect. Would that this were a rare instance; but there are thousands of such in all circles of society in our cities and towns, and in the country as well.
We clip the following suggestive incident, and submit it as pertinent at this place:
"'My home shall be my clubhouse' said a young, unmarried, traveling-man, when returning from a visit to a former friend who had married and lived in a pleasant home. Almost the first words the latter spoke, as his visitor seated himself in the parlor, was: 'I want you to go over with me and see our nice, new clubrooms.'"
"But I did not come to see them," was the reply; "I came to see you and your family."
"That you can do anyhow," was the response, "so please get ready and we will go over and spend the evening there with a nice lot of friends."
"Further protest seemed ungracious, so the visitor yielded. Hour after hour passed by, and it was midnight before the visitor could induce his host, who was beginning to feel the effects of a night's drinking and revelry, to accompany him to his home.
"In the morning the host, who evidently felt that nothing had transpired at the clubrooms that could be objected to, asked his friend, 'Well, what is your opinion of our clubroom accommodations?'"
"The rooms are very nicely furnished," was the rather evasive reply.
"But what I want to know is, how did you enjoy yourself in them?"
"As further evasion was useless, the guest said: 'You are asking me a plain question, and I will answer it frankly. I am a single man, and expect soon to get married. If I continue to prosper, I intend to settle down in a comfortable home, and spend my evenings with my wife and my children. As for your clubrooms, if I wanted to neglect my family and my business, and perhaps go to ruin, I think I could soon bring about that result by spending my evenings in your clubrooms; and I am more resolved than ever that when I am once married my home shall be my clubhouse.'"
Now, we would not seem to indicate that the only proper place for the husband is in the house—that he should not go out in the evening for diversion, social fellowship, or recreation. Not at all. These things are often necessary for his health, his happiness and his well-being. But are they not as essential to the health, the happiness and well-being of the wife as of the husband? If he seeks diversion in the evenings, let it be where his wife may accompany him, and share whatever benefits he enjoys. If family duties or the care of children render it impossible for both to leave home at the same time, then manifestly it is the duty of the husband to divide the advantages and disadvantages with the wife; and if the husband has the true father-spirit, the privilege of frequently remaining at home to spend the evening with his children will afford more pleasure and more profit than could be secured elsewhere.
The husband should plan and arrange to give his wife a proper amount of relaxation and diversion. The limitations of her restricted life make recreation and relaxation essential to the maintenance of good health and a cheerful disposition. But, in all your planning and arrangements, remember that relaxation and diversion may be secured within the home as well as without, and can be there enjoyed by the children also, and by others who may chance to share the home with you. If you and your wife have true father-love and mother-love, you will prefer home and the companionship of your children to any other place, and to the company of any other person or persons. Faithful husbands and wives and well-poised parents will need no specific directions in these matters. They will know how to care for their children, and at the same time not sacrifice health and cheeriness.
These are important subjects for the thoughtful consideration of young husbands, and older ones also; and while upon this matter, it may be well for those of us who are too apt to delegate to the wife the whole duty of making the home cheery and happy, to read and think upon the following from the pen of Dr. Isaac Farrar:
"How do you go home to your wife after business hours? Do you not frequently find a tired woman, who has been so hard at work all day with the care of three or four babies, and an incompetent hired girl, that she has found no time to make an afternoon toilet, to meet you as you would like to have her on your return? Try and be a sympathizing husband now; embrace your faithful wife and say to her: 'Never mind, my dear, I'm home early to-night. Come now, go and rest yourself, while I put little Clarence and Addie to bed, and if Frank comes in for his supper I will tell Bridget what to get for him.'
"Are you mindful of draughts and slamming doors while she takes her rest for an hour or so, and can you not induce her to take that rest every day? Remember her days are long, just as busy, and more full of petty cares than yours. A woman is required to be everything, from a reception committee to receive calls in the parlor, to a nurse in the nursery and a chief executive in the kitchen; while a business man devotes himself to a single trade or profession.
"When you undertake to entertain your wife the evenings you are at home, do not have too much to say about the 'scarcity of money;' for perhaps, in her particular case, she knows as much about that as you do; and if the wood and coal bills are larger every year, remember that your family is larger as well; and do not tell her the general dislike you have for children unless they are angels, for they cannot quite be angels during their stay here on earth.
"When the children are in bed and the house quiet, do not seat yourself in the easy chair and read the newspaper to yourself, from editorials to market reports, as if it contained nothing that would interest an intelligent woman. Newspapers read in selfish solitude by thoughtless husbands have made the 'rift within the lute' in more than one happy home.
"How many anecdotes and stories do you tell your wife to provoke a smile or a laugh? How many roses or pinks do you pin on your coat, and how many do you bring home to her? Are you careful of your own appearance in the long evenings when there is no other woman but her to be captivated by your manly charms? I am inclined to believe there is more excuse for her, if her dress has not been changed, her hair made tidy, than there is for you, most noble husband! Perhaps you never gave it a thought; but do not excuse your indifference and neglect of fond attentions, for they are just as dear to that careworn wife of yours at forty-five, or even fifty, years as at twenty-two, when you promised her that you would be true and faithful to her through life's journey. Have you honorably kept your word?
"Your answer may be: 'My wife knows I love her, and that's enough.' She may know it, but it is a pleasant thing to be assured of now and then, and if there were more everyday assurances there would be fewer careless, heart-starved wives."
It is the nature of all women to love to be wooed and won, and after marriage the same nature craves attention, tenderness, and the expression of appreciation, affection and love. No man, even if he were so sordid and selfish as to be moved by no less base or no more worthy motive than the satisfaction of his own sensual nature and consideration for his own personal comfort, could afford to withhold the expression of at least some measure of thoughtful consideration and attention. But any home in which such feelings have to be feigned, because they cannot truly be felt, is one in which commiseration and pity need to have a large place.
Should you ever note upon the part of your own wife the slightest manifestation of indifference and estrangement, put away from your lips, and even from your heart, all words of reproof and reproach, and try again the methods that enabled you to win the affections of your wife months and years ago. We grant you that there are some women who are regular Xantippes, whom no philosopher can manage, of whom we have given illustrious examples in the lives of some eminent men in the preceding volume, but let us hope that they are not numerous.
There are men, and not a few of them, we fear, who are doomed to disappointment in marriage. It does not take them long to discover the discrepancy between what they thought marriage to be and what it really is. They soon regard this union a mistake, and in a few years, and some even in a few months, denounce marriage as a failure. The truth is that the sole and only failure is found in the mistaken and unworthy views held, concerning marriage, by one or both parties to the contract. Marriage is no failure, but these men are themselves the failures. They belong to a class who hold most degraded views concerning woman and her relation to her husband in marriage. They regard woman as having been created solely to gratify the unbridled lust of man. They married with the idea that in such a union the grossest lust would have the sanction of law, and that in the marriage ceremony the wife relinquished all right to her own body, and for the satisfaction of wearing the white veil and carrying a bouquet of flowers consented to surrender to him not only her rights, but her sense of decency as well. These men who stare decency out of countenance upon the street, who lay traps for the ruin of innocent and unsuspecting girls, who invade the sanctity of home, and whose course through life is like the slimy trail of a venomous serpent, are unfit for marriage—they are unfit to be regarded even as men. No man, it matters not how full his bank account or how fine his clothes, if he holds these low views of woman and of the wife's place in the marriage relation, is worthy of a wife, for he dishonors his own mother and sisters, dishonors every right-thinking man, and his Maker as well. Any man who has in him the seeds of such unworthy sentiments may be sure that even though they may be hidden during the earlier years, they will soon grow, and hasten to a harvest of terrible fruitage.
The happiness of many homes is wrecked in the early struggle to determine whether the will of the wife or the will of the husband shall have pre-eminence. We have even heard brides boasting that in trivial matters they contended with their husbands in order to teach them from the very beginning that they did not propose to recognize any superior right in the husband to direct, or, as they said, "to boss it over them." Brides often object to the word "obey" in the marriage service, and instead of using the words "Love, honor and obey," the substitution is often made of "Love, honor and cherish," or "reverence." If the word "obey" is understood by the husband to mean imperious domination, then it had better be universally expunged. Yet, nevertheless, there is a great deal of truth in the declaration of Napoleon that he would rather have his army in command of one poor general than of two good ones. The careful execution of an ordinary plan is much better than that which comes as the result of divergent views and conflicting opinions.
In an address delivered before the First National Congress of Mothers held in Washington, Hamilton Cushing, the chief of the Ethnological Department of the Government, gave a very interesting account of the custom among the Zuni Indians, who recognize the pre-eminence of the female in everything. The men are not even allowed to hold or to have any right in property, other than through their wives, mothers or sisters. In many marriage unions the wife is easily the intellectual superior of her husband, but the universal custom among civilized nations is to recognize the husband as the head of the house. This is the Christian idea, and the plain teaching of Scripture; not, however, in that mistaken sense which is so often intended when the words are quoted: "The husband is the head of the wife." The Scriptures nowhere justify a husband in assuming imperious domination over his wife. He is "the head of the wife," but in that loving, considerate sense "even as Christ is the head of the Church." The Scriptural teaching is so important and so beautiful that we insert here, in their entirety, two of the principal selections upon this subject. That which relates to the wife we have printed in italics, and that which relates to the husband we have printed in small capitals. But to understand the relation of these two co-ordinate truths, it is necessary that the reader should note carefully the entire context. Paul, in the fifth chapter of his letter to the Ephesians, from the twenty-second to the thirty-third verse, writes as follows:
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, Love Your Wives, Even as Christ also Loved the Church, and Gave Himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So Ought Men to Love their Wives as their Own Bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular So Love His Wife Even as Himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
Here is clearly and beautifully set forth the correct relative pre-eminence in the home. It is the wife recognizing the headship of her husband, as the Church recognizes the headship, leadership and authority of Christ. Upon the part of the husband, his headship is to be exercised in the spirit of that abounding love which led the Son of God to the sacrifice of Himself, both during His life and in His atoning death, for the salvation and blessing of that body of believers who constitute the Christian Church.
The teachings of Peter in his first general letter, or epistle, in the third chapter, from the first to the seventh verse, is as follows:
"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning, let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
"Likewise, ye Husbands, Dwell with them According to Knowledge, Giving Honor Unto the Wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as Being Heirs Together of the Grace of Life; that your prayers be not hindered."
Here the teaching is also very beautiful and impressive. The wife is to be in subjection to a considerate and loving Christian husband because it is her privilege and honor; but even though her husband be no Christian, one who "obeys not the Word," still she is to recognize and conform to this teaching, to the end that by her consistent Christian deportment, and that adorning of "the hidden man of the heart" which is to be exhibited in "a meek and quiet spirit" she may win him to a life with Christ.
The husband is to dwell with his wife "according to knowledge," not in ignorance of the peculiar organs and functions of her reproductive nature; for Peter here manifestly refers specially to this, for with wonderful beauty he lifts the marital relation into a holy and sacred light by calling attention to the fact that the husband and the wife are "heirs together of the grace of life." In other words, God has taken his power as the Creator of life—think of it! as Creator—and made the husband and the wife joint heirs together of this grace or gift of creative power, which power they call into exercise in the act of reproduction. Surely, intelligence and reverence are essential, both in the husband and in the wife, in order that they may dwell together "according to knowledge."
It would scarcely seem necessary to enjoin industry as an essential to happiness in married life; and yet the happiness of many homes is wrecked on the rocks of ease and idleness. An idle person is like the ship that simply floats upon the seas without a cargo, and without a destination. There are ten thousand directions to shipwreck, but only one course that will bring the mariner to any desired port in safety.
In making labor essential, God conferred a great blessing upon man. The idle man is an unhappy man, and the idle woman is an unhappy woman. Industry is essential to the maintenance of good health, to the proper poise and manly mastery of the sexual nature, to a contented mind, a cheerful disposition, to happiness in the home and spirituality in the life.
Whatever of incentive the past may have lacked, no young husband, unless he is without true manhood, can look into the face of his devoted wife and dependent children without being inspired by the obligation which rests upon him to make adequate provision for every present need and future emergency. His energy, his effort, his wisdom are largely to determine not only the present and future, but also the temporal and eternal destiny of those who gather in dependence about him. Let these be your inspiration. Not all men can amass wealth; nor is this essential. Remember there are many things secured by industry and effort which are more precious than gold. While a competence is desirable, large wealth is seldom a great blessing. There is a world of sound philosophy in the declaration of a very rich man who said: "I worked like a slave until I was forty to make my fortune, and I have been watching it like a detective ever since—for which I have received only my lodging, food and clothes." A noble purpose, seconded by manly endeavor, will secure for your heart and your home what wealth cannot purchase.
We would be alike untrue to your best interests and unfaithful to Him who has called us to the delicate and difficult task we have undertaken in the preparation of these pages did we not say something concerning that which is highest and best in you, and which the Creator designed should dominate over every other department of your nature—namely, the religious or moral nature.
If you want your wife to be happy, do not ask her to struggle onward and upward alone in the Christian life. She will be lonely if the dearest of earthly friends is unwilling to travel heavenward with her. You will double her difficulties if in your life and example you deny the correctness of her precepts and her life. Even if you propose to yourself a life of moral rectitude, yet, to your children, you will become only a stationary guide-board, pointing to their feet the way in which God intended that you should be a living guide. You have not done your duty when you have simply permitted the Saviour to come into your home as the guest of your wife and the Saviour of your children. He comes to be a guest in your heart, as well as in your home. He comes not only to save your wife and your children, but to save you—to save the father, with the wife and the children.
It is not enough, my dear brother, that you give something now and then toward the support of the church, that you send your children to Sunday-school, that you attend divine service now and then. Your wife and children cannot go to heaven for you. Their lonely struggle is saddened by your absence, and the thought that after having dwelt together with you upon the earth you may be forever separated from them in eternity.
Let me appeal to you as an honest man. What is your duty in this matter? Your duty to your wife, to your children, to yourself, and to your God? If we were to look upon this subject simply in the light of temporal good, all the arguments would be in favor of living a Christian life.
Even if you were to consider this subject on its very lowest plane, you should desire for your wife and your family those larger material blessings which are secured by a religious life. Christians have not only the promise of the life that is to come, but they have the promise also of the life that now is. Paul says: "Godliness is profitable unto all things, having the promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come." We grant you that not every Christian is encumbered with large wealth; neither is every irreligious man plunged into poverty. While there are here and there instances where ungodly men are possessors of large wealth, these instances are exceptional, and the Scriptural reason not difficult to find. Their riches may be due to the fulfillment of the promise that God will visit blessings upon the children of the righteous from generation to generation. These people may have had praying and God-fearing parents, and on that account the children, in harmony with Scriptural promise, are now being crowned with the consequent blessings. Or, it may be, as the Scripture declares, that the wealth of the wicked is being laid up for the just, and the present wicked possessor may simply be holding this wealth in trust for the righteous descendants who are to come after him. Or, it may be, that God is seeking the salvation of this ungodly individual, for He tells us that "the goodness of the Lord is designed to lead us to repentance."
The actual conditions are not to be determined by taking an exceptional example among the irreligious, but by dividing society as a whole into two classes, and then the result is seen at a glance. In the one class you have the profane, the vicious, the intemperate, the dishonest, the law-breakers, and the defiers of God and man. To this class belongs every man who staggers, reels and falls into the gutter, every tramp who walks the road, and nine-tenths of all the persons who fill our almshouses. It includes, with scarcely an exception, every man and woman who fill our prisons and reformatory institutions; those who crowd the great tenements and live in filth and squalor in the slums of our cities; those whose bodies reek with physical and moral rottenness—these, and many others, constitute the class of the ungodly, and no attentive person can fail to observe that this is the character of that portion which the ungodly have in this world.
Now, turn to the other class. Walk up and down the streets where you find the most comfortable homes, the largest dwellings, the abodes of the most affluent and respectable in any city, and then answer the question, whether or no the wealth of the nation is not to-day largely in the hands of Christian men and Christian women? These are the people who have the best credit, who can draw checks for the largest amounts. Among this class you will find the most influential in business, the owners of our largest mercantile establishments. Men who direct and control the commerce of the world. Men who are at the head of our largest banking institutions, railroad and other corporations. But not only so. These are the people who dwell in the best homes, who eat the best food, who have the largest amount of material comforts. They are the people who enjoy the best health, who have the brightest minds, who produce the best books, the most helpful literature. They have the brightest eyes and the strongest bodies, and when cholera and plague come and sweep away men and women by thousands, it scarcely ever crosses the line which separates these from the intemperate and the vicious, who go down before these scourges like grass before the sickle. Truly, my dear friend, if you are to look at it only from this lowest plane of present good and material comfort, godly living will bring to you the promise of the life that now is, and in addition you will also have the promise of the life which is to come, a part in the first resurrection, a place at Christ's right hand, and the promise of sitting upon a throne judging the nations—you shall be among those who in triumph enter the eternal city, and receive crowns and robes and palms of victory and eternal rest at God's right hand.
You cannot afford to neglect the spiritual, which is the highest and best of your threefold nature. You should call your entire being into fullest exercise. A Christian is the highest type of manhood, and you owe it to your wife and to your children, as well as to yourself and to your Master, to be satisfied with nothing short of this. If troubled with doubt you will find the difficulty in your own heart. If infidels have filled your mind with misgiving, or suggested unbelief, read "Christianity's Challenge,"[A] "A Square Talk to Young Men,"[B] and various other volumes of the Anti-Infidel Library.[C]
[A] "Christianity's Challenge," by Rev. Dr. Herrick Johnson, American Tract Society, 269 pages, price $1.00.
[B] "A Square Talk to Young Men," 94 pages, price 50 cents, by H. L. Hastings, Scriptural Tract Repository, Boston, Mass., 49 Cornhill street.
[C] The Anti-Infidel Library in tract form, 5 cents each, by H. L. Hastings, Scriptural Tract Repository, 49 Cornhill street, Boston, Mass.
CHAPTER V.
THE PHYSICAL COST OF PROCREATION.
Before a ship sails from port with its valuable cargo of goods and its priceless freightage of life, they do what is called "boxing the compass." Naturally the compass would point to the true north, but because of the character of the cargo the needle may be diverted from the true north. To discover whether such local influences exist, they test and correct the compass. The deviation from the true north might be very slight, and in a very short voyage the error might not result in serious consequences, but the interests involved are too momentous to permit of any risk. Before entering upon the new voyage of married life it is essential, for the purity and safety of the two who enter upon it, and also for the well-being of the other lives which may subsequently be added to the family, that the principles by which husband and wife are to be guided should be carefully examined, that errors may be discovered and corrected, for the wrecking of a ship is of less moment than the wrecking of human lives, for these involve not only temporal, but eternal destinies.
The false impressions which young people oftentimes get is due to the general absence of truthfulness upon the part of older and more experienced persons in their conversations upon the subject of the sexual relation. Notwithstanding the fact that the questions which gather about the subjects of sex are of vast moment, yet these subjects have been so little written or spoken about in a pure and reverent way that, for the most part, pure-minded and honest people have banished the subject from the round of ordinary conversation. This abandonment of a sacred subject by the pure and truthful has resulted in the general ignorance and prevailing errors. Among the vile and impure the subject is much talked of, and because of the lack of correct knowledge, statements of the most exaggerated, unreasonable and oftentimes impossible are generally accepted as veritable truth. In dealing both with themselves and others, men are more deceitful and untruthful upon this subject than perhaps upon any other. It is because of these facts that the young and inexperienced so often form the most exaggerated and unreliable opinions upon subjects relating to the relation of the sexes.
That we may the better understand the whole question of the sexual relation it may be well to study the reproductive life of plants and the lower forms of animal life. The knowledge of the lessons they have to teach may prove a profitable subject for thoughtful consideration and lead to valuable conclusions for guidance in the relation between husband and wife.
If with our desire to start with one of the lowest forms of life we go to the pond and run our finger under the green scum which floats upon its surface, we will find one of the simplest forms of vegetable growth, known as spirogyra. The innumerable threads of green are quite like hairs that lie side by side, in close proximity but not in contact. Under the microscope each of these green threads is composed of long tube-like cells, placed end to end and forming a continuous growth. Under the microscope they very much resemble what in country districts is called bullrushes, or the different sections of a bamboo walking-stick or fishing-rod.
In the spring days, when this growth of green approaches its maturity, it arrives at that mysterious time when the future urgently appeals to it, when each cell feels a strange and irresistible attraction to its neighbor cell. Each reaches out toward the other until a contact is formed, a perfect union is effected, a new germ is created, and the old cells are left lifeless and perish. The union which results in the production of the fertilized seed, in which abides the spirogyra of another springtime, while its beginning costs the life of the parent plant, the verdure that lived in the green scum has passed away, the new germs fall to the bottom of the pond, where, through the drought of summer or the ice and cold of winter, they abide in the sure resurrection of that new life which is to come with the returning springtime.
In the higher forms of life similar illustrations of the great parental sacrifice involved in the act of reproduction are frequently found. This is specially seen among the fishes. During the reproductive weeks life speeds along with great intensity. Under the flow of that larger vitality which greatly quickens and augments certain parts of the organism, the fish increase in size, every part seems to attain its perfection and beauty, and the parent fishes yield themselves, to a reproductive impulse that proves fatal to millions of them. After a cod has expelled its million or more of eggs there is not much left of its own body. There is diminished vitality in every part. The male loses his appetite. Great physical changes result. The skin which covers his shrunken body changes in color, his nature becomes irritable and resentful, and he indulges in fierce combats with his fellows.
The fatigue attendant upon the long journeys undertaken by the salmon during the spawning season and the exhausting effects of the fertilizing effort are so great that few survive the trying ordeal. The same results are practically true with regard to the shad. Somewhat analogous changes and results occur with the female, but they are less marked and less destructive. The male is characterized by a more intense activity, while her more quiet nature is her greater safeguard.
The exhaustive and often fatal effects of the reproductive act are very manifest in insect life. Among the insects the reproductive act of the male seems to round out the purpose and complete the period of his life. The exhaustive act is oftentimes speedily followed by death. This same fatal termination is also experienced by the female after she has completed the work of developing and depositing the germ in some place suited for its protection and adapted to its eventual development and growth. In many instances the fertilizing principle is transferred from the body of the male to that of the female during flight, and, strange as it may seem, the intromittent organ of the male and the ovipositor of the female develop and continue only for that brief period which is necessary for the transference of the quickening principle and for the depositing of the egg in a place of safety.
The hive with its hundreds of bees affords an interesting illustration of the subject in hand. The male bee is a drone. His only purpose in life seems to be to await the period when the queen bee in her instinctive desire to perpetuate the life of the swarm is ready to receive the sperm-cells from the male. The drone is stingless and helpless. The germ of the queen bee was developed in a special cell, was fed on royal food and tenderly reared. Her office is not only to preside over the destinies of the swarm, but to her alone is assigned the entire work of reproduction. She never leaves the hive but once, and then upon her nuptial flight, accompanied by a male bee. When the wedding journey is over, and the queen bee has received the sperm from the male, his work is done and his destiny is sealed. Death then ensues either by natural laws, or he is stung to death by the workers, who now regard him as an unnecessary burden upon the gathered stores of the hive.
The queen bee receives the sperm but once, and then, in a mysterious receptacle which Providence has provided, the sperm is stored, and for months, and even for years, for the supply has been known to last for five years, and during this time the millions of eggs which the queen bee lays are each fertilized at will, and, strange to say, her wonderful prolificness does not result in her exhaustion and death, and to prevent this sad result, her hive-mates make it their care that she shall be bountifully nourished with the most sumptuous food.
With the birds, death, as the result of the reproductive act, disappears. The loss which they sustain in reproductive material is comparatively small, yet something of what this costs is manifest by the noticeable changes which take place immediately after they enter upon the mating season. The plumage loses its lustre, the song becomes less frequent and less ecstatic, and the incoming tides of life, which reached their fullness at the period of mating, ebb and recede.
Among the higher forms of animal existence the duration of life is greatly prolonged. The number of the offspring is greatly reduced. The ovum of the female and the sperm of the male become microscopic. The germ of life remains within the body of the mother until it has reached that stage of development which fits it for its independent life in the outer world. The period from conception to birth is greatly prolonged, and the periods of deliverance from the necessity of the reproductive act are alike extended. The higher in the scale the more dependent the offspring, until in the instance of man the offspring is the most helpless and dependent of all. The prolonged dependence of the child upon the care of its parents is calculated to abate the fervor and force of reproductive inclination.
While in man the reproductive act is not the precursor of death, yet it is the premonition of that event and the instinctive effort which nature makes to prevent the extermination of the race.
The inclination to beget descendants is a premonition of the physical dissolution which awaits the individual, and the act itself is always more or less exhaustive to the male, and its results, if too oft repeated, or at periods of brief duration, are disastrous to the female. Notwithstanding these tendencies and results, yet reproduction is the expression of the fullness of physical life and vital force. Its inclination and desire is both normal and necessary, yet it should always be remembered that the increased activity of the reproductive system is secured at the cost of diminished force throughout the remainder of the entire body. No man during the period of the exercise of his reproductive nature is as strong intellectually, physically, or in any other department of his entire being, as during the periods when he is sexually self-contained, or is resting in the calm of sexual repose.
In the lower forms of life the reproductive flame bursts out into one all-consuming conflagration, exhausting to the male and eventually terminating with fatal results to the female. In man this fire burns with a more steady glow, bursting forth occasionally into more intense activity, and then subsiding, but always vitalizing and giving energy to all his powers, and no man can fan this flame into a continuous conflagration without suffering the most ruinous results and disastrous consequences.
Among the lower forms of life the reproductive inclination of the male recurs at those periods when his mate is in the condition necessary to the procreation of the species. After the act of procreation, the sexual passion in both subsides, and the reproductive function is not again called into exercise until after the intervening weeks or months of repose have passed and nature again responds to the necessity of procreation for the purpose of perpetuating the species. Where the periods of ovulation and fecundity recur at brief intervals in the female, the reproductive nature of the male is in a more continuous state of activity, so that a fruitful union may be secured when the reproductive nature of the female is in readiness; but this by no means indicates any physical necessity or reasonable justification for the constant or even frequent exercise of the reproductive function.
Strict continence is not injurious, either to the unmarried or to the married. Thousands of married men and women are suffering from the effects of excessive sexual indulgence. They drain their physical powers, weaken the intellect, and fail to attain the happiness and grand results which would otherwise be possible to them. All who are familiar with the care of plants know that the best way to preserve their bloom and beauty is to restrain the consummation of the reproductive act. Prevent them from going to seed and the flowers continue to bloom. Remove the anther from the lily and the flower will not fade so soon by several hours. The same is true with the insects. Where they can be prevented from losing their vitalizing sperm they live on beyond the limits of others of their kind who are left free to exercise the privilege of reproduction. An instance is given of a butterfly which continued to live for over two years in a hot-house, while the ordinary period of life to those which exercise the reproductive power complete and end their career in a few short days.
There are times when married people should observe the strictest continence. A state of partial or total intoxication is a just cause for either a husband or wife to deny to the other all marital privileges. Conception at such a time is more than likely to result in the production of idiots or epileptics. The cases on record are too numerous and too well authenticated to admit of doubt in regard to the terrible consequences of conception under such circumstances.
During sickness or convalescence procreation is not only highly injurious to the individual, but at any period before the physical powers have fully regained their most perfect state of health the transmission of life is more than likely to result in the begetting of children who are to be afflicted with mental debility and physical infirmities which shall be so inwrought into the very fibre of their being as to continue through their entire life, utterly beyond the reach of all remedial agents.
We can conceive of no greater wrong that a parent could ignorantly or wilfully inflict upon his unborn offspring than to call them into being at a period when they cannot escape the inheritance of lifelong physical or mental infirmity.
Abstinence from the marital relation in some instances becomes almost absolutely imperative. In the intimate relations of married life the exercise of such self-restraint is not always easy, but it is nevertheless possible. There are well-authenticated instances in the lives of missionaries who have married and immediately gone to climates where conception during the period of acclimation would have resulted fatally who have maintained absolute continence for a period of months and years. We know of an instance where, because of a diseased condition known as vaginismus, the marital relation was attended with such discomfort and pain that for a few years it was only indulged at long intervals, and then totally abandoned, and strict continence maintained for a period of twenty years and more.
Nor is strict continence in married life without illustrations of those who have voluntarily chosen it. There are some married people in this country, more numerous than some suppose, who have adopted the idea of uniform continence, and who call the reproductive nature into exercise for the purpose of procreation only, and who assert that the maintenance of continence secures not only greater strength and better health, but greater happiness also.
CHAPTER VI.
MARITAL MODERATION.
The foundation of marriage and of home can only be built permanently upon the abiding nature of love. Like our own being, love has a twofold nature. Its spiritual part is immortal and unchangeable; its physical part is temporary in purpose and continuance, and is liable to perversion and debasement. The physical may even be permitted to overshadow, debase and quite obliterate the spiritual. In its natural unfolding and manifestation love is very much like the plant that is rooted in the earth while it flowers in the sunlight. The earth and the roots in their relation to each other are essential and even indispensable to the production of the flower, and the flower is alike indispensable to the perpetuity of the plant.
So love has its physical and its spiritual nature. Love is rooted in that unconscious law of our nature which God has enacted for the preservation and perpetuity of human life. "Nothing but a spurious delicacy or an ignorance of facts can prevent our full recognition that love looks to marriage, and marriage to offspring, as a natural sequence." While this is its objective purpose, it yet serves other high ends.
In its twofold nature love ennobles its possessor. It makes him responsive to the love of God upon the one hand and to the love of mankind upon the other. It gives purpose and zest to life, brightens the intellect, quickens the imagination, inspires purpose and imparts physical power. It beautifies and glorifies the individual, and makes him worthy of redemption. "When it is pure and true it unites two souls in bonds of happiness which never chafe, and which become stronger as time passes and the passions become chaste and subdued."
But there is a monstrosity that is known by the same name. The proper name of this monster is lust. It imparts neither beauty nor life. It is like the parasite plant which is not naturally rooted in the earth, but entwines itself about the growing beauty of other plant-life, only to suck out the life-currents from the stem which has lifted it out of the dirt into the sunlight, in return for which its only charity is that it spreads its stolen verdure over the death which it has itself created.
The question of the proper relation of husband and wife in marriage is a difficult one. It is worthy of a volume. The various phases of the subject which crowd upon our mind exceed the limits of a brief chapter. We only regret that we are restricted by limitations beyond which we cannot pass at this present time. Suffice it to say that there are three principal theories with regard to the marital relation. Briefly stated they are as follows:
The first theory assumes that unlimited sexual gratification is essential to the comfort and well-being of the male, and that, whether married or unmarried, he is to seek its gratification, whether lawfully or unlawfully, wherever and whenever he can find an opportunity. It is scarcely necessary to say that this theory is not worthy of the consideration of fair-minded and decent people. It is contrary to the laws of nature, to the laws of God, and to the laws of all civilized nations. The theory is conceived and born of lust. It has been fathered and fostered by the delusions of ignorant people. It is the child of lust and the parent of sensuality. It is disproven by experience and is condemned by the best medical authority in this country and throughout the world. For a discussion of this subject and medical testimony we must refer the reader to "What a Young Man Ought to Know," from page 56 to 67.
The second theory is that in married life the reproductive function is not to be exercised except for the purpose of procreation. While this theory is the opposite extreme of the first, yet it differs from the first in that it has some very strong arguments in its favor. While the results of our investigations do not enable us to assert that it is the true theory, we are yet prepared to say that it is worthy of thoughtful consideration. If it is possible for married people to maintain absolute continence for a period of six months or a year, it must be conceded that it would be possible to extend that time to a longer period. The maintenance of this theory would require such a degree of self-denial and self-control as is far beyond the possession of the great mass of humanity. We fear, also, that there are but few, even if they entered upon a life union with such thought and intention, who would be able to maintain their principles for any considerable period.
The third theory, and that which many men and women who are eminent for their learning and religious life hold to be the correct theory, is, that while no one has a right to enter upon the marriage relation with the fixed purpose of evading the duty of parenthood, yet that procreation is not the only high and holy purpose which God has had in view in establishing the marriage relation, but that the act of sexual congress may be indulged in between husband and wife for the purpose of expressing their mutual affection, augmenting their personal endearments, and for quickening those affections and tender feelings which are calculated to render home the place of blessing and good which God intended.
It is held by those who advocate this theory that while it would be possible to restrict the exercise of the reproductive functions to the single purpose of procreation, yet in the great majority of instances the effort to live by that theory would generally result in marital unhappiness.
It cannot be successfully denied that the perpetuity of the race is the great purpose which God has had in view in instituting marriage. Procreation and the raising up of a family of children cannot under ordinary circumstances be ignored or evaded without serious physical, intellectual, moral and social results. But neither are mutual love, affection, comfort, consolation and support to be ignored without disastrous results. Due regard is not only to be paid to the perpetuity of the race, but to the well-being and perpetuity of the individual. In his book on the Ethics of Marriage Dr. H. F. Pomeroy says: "Physiologically considered, there can be but one end in marriage—the breeding and rearing of a family; but there are various means which conduce to this end by preserving the mental and physical tone and balance of husband and wife, and cultivating in them a union of regard and affection, without which any mere outward union can be but a travesty of marriage. How far it may be proper to exercise the secondary object of marriage it is impossible to state in any general rule, because individual cases vary so greatly; but it is safe to say that the phase of marriage which is so closely allied to its primary object has an important bearing on the health, happiness and harmony of husband and wife, and so may properly be exercised by those who have a proper regard for the primary end of marriage, even when its relation to this end be but indirect, provided such exercise of it be kept within bounds of mental and physical health."
Personally we are strongly inclined to the acceptance of this third theory. But it must be granted that the acceptance of this theory is attended with many considerations which have their serious perplexities. Perhaps the most constant and most serious difficulty is the question involved in the danger of too frequent conception. To regulate this matter many persons resort to criminal methods, which are nothing short of murder: many resort to expedients which are often unsatisfactory in their result and also ruinous to the health or well-being of either the husband or wife, or both, while others adopt less disastrous but equally unsatisfactory and unreliable measures. Some of these methods are criminal, others are injurious, still others uncertain, and all alike unsatisfactory.
Desirable as it might be to enter upon a full discussion of the various questions involved in the consideration of this phase of the subject, yet because of the general prevalence of vicious living and impure thinking we deem it best not to enter upon a discussion which might effect more evil in some pure-minded persons, by suggestion, than it could accomplish in the reforming of the evil practices of the vicious, and we therefore pass this phase of the subject in silence.
The greatest happiness in married life can never be obtained except by the observance of marital moderation. Just what is moderation in the exercise of the reproductive function in married life it would be very difficult to determine and define. What might be moderation for one man, or for one woman, might be the most extravagant excess for another. The husband may feel inclined to grant himself such indulgence as would entitle him to be regarded as considerate and as within the bounds of moderation when considered in relation to himself personally, and yet the privileges which he grants himself might be most immoderate and most ruinous for his wife; or in some instances the reverse might be the case—indulgence which might be moderate for his wife might be most excessive for him. No husband or wife can determine what is moderation in their own personal instance until they have duly considered the obligation which they are under to the other, and the effect of the relation, not simply upon himself or herself, but upon the other as well. The principle which must govern every husband or wife who desires to be moderate in the marital relation, is, not to seek to grant themselves the utmost indulgence which will enable them to abide within the limits of individual safety only, but so persistently to exercise the spirit of self-control and self-mastery, that they may attain to those best results which are only possible to those who do not call the reproductive function into exercise at too frequent intervals. No man or woman who exercises the reproductive function upon the return of every slight inclination can realize that greatest pleasure and satisfaction which are always possible, but so seldom experienced. The wise husband and the wise wife will not seek that utmost indulgence which brings them to the limit of endurance, but will constantly desire to be governed by such restraint and moderation as will secure for them the most blessed results. To say nothing of morality, intelligence and culture have their province in the exercise of the privileges which are possible to married people. The reproductive sense, like the sense of hunger, or any other sense, is to be brought under the dominion of intelligence and refinement. In the government of our other senses there are laws which no intelligent man will be willing to violate. He will not eat the first food upon which he chances to come, simply because he is hungry. He requires that it shall be of the proper kind, and properly prepared. The worm will seize upon its food regardless of its character, and without any reference to other considerations than that of satisfying its own inclination. Wild beasts will contend over a bone, but man is lifted by intelligence to a higher realm. His food must be of a proper kind, it must be properly prepared, and is to be eaten at appointed intervals. He will not eat that which belongs to another. He desires his food served with proper regard to cleanliness and esthetic taste. He beautifies his table, makes his eating the occasion of social fellowship, takes into consideration the wants and needs of others. If we thus regulate the appetite, why should we not, as intelligent beings, regulate the exercise of the reproductive sense? Why should we yield, like animals, to the first inclination? Why should we despoil ourselves or our companion of the God-given sense of modesty? Why should we be willing to indulge ourselves to such an extent as to injure the one individual whom we love and prize above all others upon earth? Let reason, refinement and the moral sense have their proper sway in the exercise of the reproductive function and the sexual instinct, the same as in the exercise of our other senses.
In a chapter entitled "Rules for Married Persons; or, Matrimonial Chastity," Jeremy Taylor gives the following advice: "In their permissions and license the husband and wife must be sure to observe the order of nature and the ends of God. He is an ill husband that uses his wife as a man treats a harlot, having no other end but pleasure. Concerning which our best rule is that although in this, as in eating and drinking, there is an appetite to be satisfied, which cannot be done without pleasing that desire; yet, since that desire and satisfaction were intended by nature for other ends, they should never be separated from those ends, but always be joined with all or one of these ends: with the desire for children; to avoid fornication; or to lighten and ease the cares and sadness of household affairs; or to endear each other; but never with a purpose, either in act or desire, to separate the sensuality from these ends which hallow it."
It is well also to know what the women have to say upon this subject. Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in her excellent little book, entitled "What Women Should Know," says: "One is often led to wonder if a large class of men are not simply brutes, in all that concerns the physical relations of marriage. Women do not readily make confidential complaints to other women against their husbands. So that when a word—an incomplete sentence smothered before it is fully uttered—is spoken, it must be wrung from the lips by extreme marital brutality. That many women so suffer at the hands of husbands, brutal in this respect, though kind in all others, does not admit of doubt. Disinclination, weariness, ill health, none of these things will excuse a woman from participation in the marital act when her husband's inclinations lead him to require it of her. Strange that, while the law recognizes rape as a crime punishable by severe penalties, there is no recognition whatever of a married woman's right to a control over her own person. I do not know that the most brutal conduct in this respect, if there was no other reason for complaint, would be considered by the courts as a sufficient cause for divorce. Yet any one can readily imagine that it is possible for a man of strong sensual nature, who places no curb upon his appetite, to render the life of the delicate, pure-minded woman, intolerable to the last degree. As mutual affection is the heavenly bond of marriage, so mutual pleasure should also sanction its earthly bond. Love should be prepared to give as well as to receive—to be self-denying when self-denial is required of it. I cannot believe that a wife who sees her husband thus considerate will be unreasonable in her refusal."
But the anxious and honest inquirer still asks, How often may I indulge myself? No general answer can be given to this question. Due reference must always be had to the individual who asks it, and wise counsel would not be possible unless every consideration of the physical condition and health of the wife were allowed their proper place in the solution of the question. What might be moderation for one might be the most destructive excess for another. Some men are strong, have great powers of endurance, and do not know that they have a nerve in their body. Others are very delicate, nervous and dyspeptic. Some physicians are inclined to limit the relation to once a month; upon the other hand, all who have given attention to this subject have learned of instances of excess which do not fall at all short of conjugal debauchery. It might be said that no man of average health, physical power and intellectual acumen can exceed the bounds of once a week without at least being in danger of having entered upon a life of excess both for himself and for his wife.
Each young husband must determine for himself and his wife when they have reached the limit of moderation, and their greatest happiness, physically, intellectually and maritally, will be secured when they have erred upon the side of moderation rather than upon the side of excess. Do not wait until you have the pronounced effects of backache, lassitude, giddiness, dimness of sight, noises in the ears, numbness of fingers and paralysis. Note your own condition the next day very carefully. If you observe a lack of normal, physical power, a loss of intellectual quickness or mental grip, if you are sensitive and irritable, if you are less kind and considerate of your wife, if you are morose and less companionable, or in any way fall below your best standard of excellence, it would be well for you to think seriously and proceed cautiously.
Nor should your observation and study only have reference to yourself. Note carefully the physical, mental and social condition of your wife the day following. You are not only to be the conservator of your own strength, but her protector as well. When you pass the limit of the greatest safety, either for yourself or your wife, you are likely to sacrifice both safety and happiness. Another says: "Even taking the low and sordid ground of selfishly getting the most out of this life, it is wise to abide by temperance and duty in the marital relation, for thus, and only thus, may we derive the most possible satisfaction from it. We may drink the nectar as we will; nature lets us hold the cup, but she mixes it herself; if we drink too deeply she adds water, then gall, and finally, it may be, deadly poison."
Sexual excess is one of the most destructive forms of intemperance, degrading alike the body, mind and morals. We have heard of men who have called the reproductive organs into very frequent exercise, but they have always been men who were noted for nothing except their passion. Everything they eat and drink seems devoted to the maintenance of their sexual nature. They may have enjoyed intellectual advantages, and some of them may even be enrolled as professional men, but every other faculty is dwarfed and weakened that they may foster and fatten their passions. They are eminent in nothing, save as samples of beastliness. Why allow a single passion, the controlling organ of which lies at the very bottom and lowest part of the brain, to usurp and control the entire man, dominate over every other faculty, and render the physical, intellectual and moral faculties and religious sentiments only attendants and slaves!
No thoughtful or considerate husband can afford to disrespect the wishes of his wife. He should reverently consider her inclination as well as his own desire. Throughout the entire range of animal life the condition and inclination of the female fixes and determines the approaches of her mate. Woman is the only female whose condition is disregarded, whose wishes are ignored, whose rights are trampled under foot, and sometimes even denied any right over her own body. Where a woman is in health, and is the loving, devoted wife which she should be, there is not much danger that she will be too strict with the idol of her heart. And, save in exceptional cases, there is but little danger that the wife will be too lenient with her husband. If the wrongs which wives suffer because of the unbridled passions of inconsiderate husbands were publicly known, every virtuous and pure-minded man and woman would be inclined to take up arms for the mitigation of woman's wrongs, and the liberation of this great army of slaves who suffer in silence the servitude from which they have no hope of deliverance except by death.
If you wish to attain your greatest usefulness in life, avoid the undue use of foods which are calculated to stimulate the reproductive nature. Use eggs and oysters, pepper and condiments with reasonable moderation. Do not simulate impure thinking by theatre-going, the reading of salacious books, participation in the round dance, the presence of nude statuary and suggestive pictures; avoid such bodily exposure and postures as mar the modesty of both man and woman; keep reasonable and regular hours, and remember that all these things tend only to enervate and exhaust your wife and to rob and wrong you of the best there is in store for you.
Marital moderation is most easily secured and maintained where married persons occupy separate beds; and, indeed, in many instances such conditions exist as render separate rooms not only desirable, but essential. Mrs. E. B. Duffey, a good and reliable authority on this and related subjects, says: "If the husband cannot properly control his amorous propensities they had better by all means occupy separate beds and different apartments, with a lock on the communicating door, the key in the wife's possession."
Dr. Dio Lewis, in his book entitled "Chastity," when writing of the excesses which lead to estrangement in married life, says: "A very large part of this wretchedness and perilous excess is the natural result of our system of sleeping in the same bed. It is the most ingenious of all possible devices to stimulate and inflame the carnal passion. No bed is large enough for two persons. If brides only knew the great risk they run of losing the most precious of all earthly possessions—the love of their husbands—they would struggle as resolutely to secure extreme temperance after marriage as they do to maintain complete abstinence before the ceremony. The best means to this end is the separate bed."
Many persons recognize the injurious effects which result from two persons sleeping in the same bed, but generally they fear that if they were to occupy adjoining apartments, or even separate beds in the same room, it might lead to local gossip or the suspicion of a lack of harmony or affection. But without informing the patient of the purpose, physicians oftentimes advise a period of absence, either for the husband or for the wife, in order to secure the beneficial result which could be had in their own homes if they would only consent to sleep apart.
Where either the husband or the wife suffers from excessive amative propensities upon the part of the other, great benefit would be derived from avoiding the sexual excitement which comes daily by the twice-repeated exposure of undressing and dressing in each other's presence, and being in close bodily contact for a period of one-third of the hours of each day, for four months in a year, and for twenty years to those who have lived together for a period of sixty years.
There are also the questions of adequate ventilation, the absorption of the exhalations of each other's bodies, the weaker being injured by the fact that the stronger is likely to absorb vital and nervous force, and also the equalization of magnetic elements, which, when diverse in quantity and quality, augment physical attraction and personal affection. Where there is a disparity of physical condition, or a considerable difference of age, or either person is suffering from the effects of any disease which contaminates the atmosphere, separate beds, and oftentimes separate apartments, are essential.
Physical culture is an important matter for consideration in connection with the subject of moderation within the marriage relation. All forms of outdoor recreation which are calculated to produce the best physical condition—dumb-bells, Indian-clubs, exercises of various kinds, frequent bathing, followed by vigorous rubbing of the external surface of the body—are matters of great importance in this connection. If the thought is permitted to centre upon the sexual relation the blood will be diverted from the brain and the muscles, and the entire man will suffer because of the depletion and drain which comes as an inevitable result. Let the thought be turned to other considerations, and by exercise send the blood into all parts of the body, and let the vigorous rubbing after the bath produce a healthy glow, and contribute to good health and to the attainment and maintenance of a well-rounded manhood.
Not only is physical culture essential for the husband, but it is equally important for the wife, who is even more likely to underestimate its value and neglect it altogether, unless she is encouraged to physical effort and bodily exercise by the husband.
Remember that you and your wife owe it not only to yourselves in securing present happiness, but owe it also to your children and to your own future good that you shall possess the best physical results which are possible to you; for what you are, that your children will become after you. If they inherit either physical or mental weakness, the parents who are to care for them will be compelled to pay for their own sad mistakes in vigils and self-denials from which they could have delivered themselves by timely forethought and sufficient care.
The proper mastery of your sexual nature will be worth all it costs. A strong sexual nature is not a curse, but a blessing. God made no mistake in making man what he is; but he never intended that the lower nature should rule over the higher and better nature of man. The struggle is worth all it costs, and the man who gains the mastery grows more manly, more noble, while the man who is overcome becomes less manly, and if lust be given the sway he becomes increasingly beastly.
If you gain and keep the mastery, the struggle will not be endless. With that modified manhood which comes with the hush of the reproductive nature at about middle life, there will come a growing peacefulness and manly poise which will be marked by an increasing strength of intellectual and moral power which will make possible to you in the closing years of your life acquisitions and achievements which were quite impossible in the earlier years.