HUMOUR, WIT, & SATIRE
OF THE
SEVENTEENTH CENTURY
BY THE SAME AUTHOR.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d. each.
A HISTORY OF THE CHAP-BOOKS OF
THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY.
With Nearly 400 Illustrations Engraved in Facsimile of the Originals.
"Next to a collection of the chap-books themselves, nothing could give a better idea of this branch of the popular literature of the eighteenth century than the volume before us. The author's hope that he has 'succeeded in producing a book at once both amusing and instructive' is fully justified; and his book is certain to remain the standard authority on the subject, and to be consulted by every one who wishes to know what was read in the cottage, and the roadside inn, and the village school in the eighteenth century."—Academy.
"Mr. Ashton knows his subject well, and gives us not only the quaint prose or verse and the still quainter cuts, but also all sorts of collateral information.... The book is a delightful contribution to the history of literature."—Graphic.
SOCIAL LIFE
IN THE REIGN OF QUEEN ANNE.
With 84 Illustrations.
"Mr. Ashton has selected an interesting subject, and has done justice to his choice. There can be no doubt either of Mr. Ashton's diligence in collecting his materials or of his good sense in refraining from intruding himself unnecessarily upon the reader. We are grateful to him both for his industry and his reserve. Even a man who is well versed in the diaries and correspondence of Queen Anne's time will find something that is new to him in every chapter.... On these subjects, and on every curiosity of Queen Anne's reign, Mr. Ashton has much to say, and he tells his story with good taste and without unnecessary amplification. His volumes will serve a double purpose. They will amuse the ordinary reader of the day, and instruct the student of English manners in the habits of a time which has never failed to attract."—Academy.
"Mr. Ashton has produced, beyond a doubt, the most accurate and readable picture of social life under Queen Anne that has yet been published.... The book can be opened anywhere and read with pleasure and profit."—Morning Post.
"With commendable diligence Mr. Ashton has assembled a vast number of documents, advertisements, and what not, which he has skilfully grouped in chapters illustrating the education, food, dress, amusements, science, art, and manners of the time. His book is, in fact, a valuable and trustworthy collection of mémoires pour servir. In these pages the reader may wander at will in that lesser London of which Covent Garden and Leicester Square were the centres. With Mr. Ashton's book all things are feasible, provided the reader carry with him a decent amount of curiosity and a fairly good memory. And as Mr. Ashton, with commendable and indeed unusual honesty, gives chapter and verse for his statements, our pilgrim may be moderately sure that his imaginings will possess a certain verisimilitude."—Athenæum.
CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W.
RICHARD TARLTON.
Tarlton's Jests, Edit. 1638.
HUMOUR, WIT, & SATIRE
of the
SEVENTEENTH CENTURY
Collected and Illustrated by
JOHN ASHTON
author of "chap-books of the eighteenth century,"
"social life in the reign of queen anne," etc.
London
CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY
1883
All rights reserved
Printed by R. & R. Clark, Edinburgh.
Preface.
Our forefathers delighted to call their country "Merrie England;" and so, in very truth, it was. All sorts of sports and pastimes, such as no other nation can show, were then in use; and even the elders, in their hours of relaxation, were wont to exchange a merry jest with one another.
Perhaps some of their jokes lacked the refinement of the present age, but they denoted a keen sense of humour. Many, nay most, cannot be reproduced at the present day, and much has this book suffered therefrom; and it is for this reason that the jest-books and ballads of this century are so little known. Some few have been printed in small editions, either privately, or for dilettante societies; but they are not fit for general perusal, and the public at large know nothing of them. This is specially the case with the ballad literature of the century, which is unusually rich. The Pepys, Roxburghe, Bagford, Luttrell, and other collections, are priceless treasures; but I know no publisher who would be bold enough to reproduce them, in their entirety, for the use of the general public. By this I do not wish to cast any slur, either on the modesty, or morality, of our ancestors; but their ways were not quite as ours.
The Bibliographical Reference, which forms an Appendix, will show the wide range that the humour of this century takes; and this does not exhaust the store by any means. In it I have given, for the use of students, the British Museum Catalogue number of every authority (to save trouble, should they wish to refer to the books); and, to avoid the multiplicity of footnotes, I have placed against each paragraph a number, by means of which (on turning to the reference) the work from which it was taken can at once be seen.
Political satire ought to be a work in itself, so that I have but sparingly used it; and as religious satire hardly comes within the scope of such a book as this, I have but just glanced at it.
In every instance that I have found possible, I have given the tunes of the ballads, taken from the books in which they first appeared, such as The Dancing Master, and Wit and Mirth; also, in two instances, where I could not thus find them, I have taken them from The Ballad Literature and Popular Music of the Olden Time, by W. Chappell, Esq., F.S.A.
If the perusal of this book gives a tithe part as much pleasure and amusement to the Reader, as it did to me when compiling it, I am more than content with my labour.
JNO. ASHTON.
Humour, Wit, and Satire
of the
Seventeenth Century.
[1.] There was a man that had been drinking so hard that he could scarse stand upon his feet, yet at night he would go home, and as he went through a green Meadow, neer a hedge side the Bryers held him by the cloaths and the legs, and he had thought that one had holden him, and would have had him to drink more, and he said, Good fellow, let me go, by my troth I can drink no more, I have drank so much already, that I cannot go home; and there he abode all the same night, and on the morrow went his Ways.
[2.]When Marcus hath Carrowst March beere and sacke,
And feels his head grow dizzy therwithall.
Then of Tobacco he a pype doth lacke,
Of Trinidade in cane, in leafe, or ball,
Which tane a little he doth Speet and Smacke,
Then layes him on his bed for feare to fall
And on Tobacco layes the blame of all,
But that same pype that Marcus brain did lade
Was of Madera not of Trinidade.
[3.]I had a love, and she was chaste,
Alack the more's the pity,
But wot you how my love was chaste,
She was chaste right through the City.
[4.] A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road, between London and Bow, told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him: and so, coming up to him, said, Sir, You don't follow your Master's Rule, for he was content with an Ass, but you have a very fine Horse. The Parson replyed, the reason was, because the King had made so many Asses Justices, that a Clergyman could not get one to Ride on.
On a drawer drunk.
[5.]Drawer with thee now even is thy wine
For thou hast pierced his hogs-head, and he thine.
Upon the weights of a Clock.
[5.]I wonder time's so swift, when as I see,
Upon her heeles such lumps of lead to bee.
Nonsense.
[3.]Oh that my Lungs could bleat like butter'd Pease;
But bleating of my lungs hath Caught the itch,
And are as mangy as the Irish Seas,
That doth ingender windmills on a Bitch.
I grant that Rainbowes being lull'd asleep,
Snort like a woodknife in a Lady's eyes;
Which makes her grieve to see a pudding creep,
For Creeping puddings only please the wise.
Not that a hard row'd herring should presume
To swing a tyth pig in a Cateskin purse;
For fear the hailstons which did fall at Rome,
By lesning of the fault should make it worse.
For 'tis most certain Winter woolsacks grow
From geese to swans, if men could keep them so,
Till that the sheep shorn Planets gave the hint,
To pickle pancakes in Geneva print.
Some men there were that did suppose the skie
Was made of Carbonado'd Antidotes;
But my opinion is, a Whales left eye,
Need not be coyned all King Harry groates.
The reason's plain, for Charons Westerne barge
Running a tilt at the subjunctive mood,
Beckoned to Bednal Green, and gave him charge
To fasten padlockes with Antartic food.
The end will be the Mill ponds must be laded,
To fish for white pots in a Country dance;
So they that suffered wrong and were upbraded
Shall be made friends in a left handed trance.
[1.] There was three young men going to Lambeth along by the Water side, and the one plaid with the other, and they cast each others Cap into the water, in such sort as they could not get their Caps again: but over the place where their Caps were, did grow a great old tree, which did Cover a great deale of the Water. One of them said to the rest, Sirs, I have found out a notable way to come by them. First I will make myself fast by the middle, with one of your girdles unto the tree, and he that is with you shall hang fast upon my girdle, and he that is last shall take hold on him that holds fast on my girdle, and so with one of his hands he may take up all our caps and cast them on the sand. And so they did; but when they thought that they had been most secure and fast, he that was above felt his girdle slack, and said, Soft, sirs, my girdle slacketh; make it fast quickly, said they, but as he was untying it to make it faster they fell all three into the water, and were well washed for their pains.
Of Lynus borrowing.
[6.]Lynus came late to me sixe crownes to borrow,
And sware G— d—- him, hee'd repai't to morrow.
I knew his word as current as his band
And straight I gave to him three crownes in hand;
This I to give, this he to take was willing
And thus he gain'd, and I sav'd fifteene shilling.
The Woman to the Plow
and
The Man to the Hen Roost.
Or, a fine way to cure a Cot Quean—.
The Tune is, I have for all good Wives a Song.—
Both Men and Women listen well,
A merry Jest I will you tell,
Betwixt a Good man and his Wife,
Who fell the other day at strife:
He chid her for her Huswivery,
And she found fault as well as he,
With him for's work without the door,
Quoth he (we'l quarrel thus no more)
Sith you and I cannot agree,
Let's change the work. Content, quoth she,
My Wheel and Distaffe here take thow,
And I will drive the Cart and Plow.
This was concluded 'twixt them both,
To Cart and Plow the good-wife goeth,
The Good man he at home doth tarry,
To see that nothing doth miscarry.
An apron he before him put,
Judge, was not this a handsome slut.
He fleets[1] the Milk, he makes the Chese,
He gropes[2] the Hens, the Ducks, & Geese,
He Brews and Bakes as well as he Can,
But not as it should be done, poor man:
As he did make his Cheese one day,
Two Pigs their Bellies broke with whey;
Nothing that he in hand did take,
Did come to good; once he did Bake,
And burnt the Bread as black as a stock,
Another time he went to Rock
The Cradle, and threw the child o' th' floor,
And broke his Nose, and hurt it sore.
He went to milk one Eventide
A Skittish Cow on the wrong side,
His pail was full of Milk, God wot,
She Kickt and spilt it every jot.
Besides she hit him a blost o' th' face
Which was scant well in six weeks space.
Thus was he served, and yet too well
And more mischances yet befell.
Before his apron he'd leave off,
Though all his neighbours did him scoff.
Now list and mark one pretty jest,
'Twill make you laugh above all the rest,
As he to churn his Butter went,
One Morning with a good intent,
The Cot[3] Quean fool did surely dream,
For he had quite forgot the Cream,
He churn'd all Day with all his might,
And yet he could get no Butter at night.
'Twere strange indeed for me to utter
That without Creame he should make Butter.
Now having shew'd his huswivery,
Who did all things thus untowardly,
Unto the good-wife I'll turn my Rhime,
And tell you how she spent her time;
She us'd to drive the Cart and Plow,
But do't well she Knew not how,
She made so many banks i' th' ground,
He been better have given five pound
That she had never ta'ne in hand
So sorely did she spoil the Land.
As she did go to Sow likewise,
She made a Feast for Crows and Pies,
She threw away a hanful at a Place,
And left all bare another Space.
At the Harrow she could not rule the Mare
But hid one Land, and left two bare.
And shortly after, one a day,
As she came home with a Load of Hay
She overthrew it, nay, and worse
She broke the Cart, and Kill'd a Horse:
The good-man that time had ill luck,
He let in the Sow, and Kill'd a Duck,
And being grieved at his heart,
For loss on's Duck, his Horse and Cart,
The many hurts on both sides done,
His eyes did with salt water run;
Then now, quoth he, full well I see
The Wheel's for her, the Plow's for me,
I thee intreat, quoth he, good-wife,
To take thy Charge, and all my life
I'll never meddle with huswivery more,
Nor find such faults as I did before;
Give me the Cart Whip and the Frail,
Take thou the Churn and Milking pail.
The good-wife she was well content
And about her Huswivery she went;
He to Hedging and to Ditching,
Heaping, Mowing, Lading, Pitching,
He would be twatling[4] still before,
But after that ne'r twatled more.
I wish all Wives that troubled be
With Hose and Doublet Huswivery,
To serve them as this Woman did,
Then may they work and ne'r be chid.
Though she i' th' intrim had some loss,
Thereby she was eased of a Cross;
Take heed of this you husband men,
Let Wives alone to grope the Hen,
And meddle you with Horse and Ox.
And keep your Lambs safe from the Fox,
So shall you live Contented lives,
And take sweet pleasure in your Wives.
FINIS.
Printed for J. Wright,[5] J. Clarke,[6] W. Thackeray,[7] and T. Passinger.[8]
[1] Floats, i.e. skims the cream floating on the milk.
[2] Feels whether they have eggs.
[3] One who meddles in women's business.
[4] Chattering.
[5] Published from 1670 to 1690.
[6] From 1650 to 1682.
[7] From 1660 to 1680.
[8] From 1670 to 1682.
[8.] The Marquess of Worcester, calling for a glass of Claret wine, it was told him by his Physician, that Claret wine was naught for his gout; What, said the Marquess, my old friend Claret? nay, give it me in spight of all Physicians and their books, it never shall be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy.
On a cowardly Souldier.
[5.]Strotzo doth weare no ring upon his hand,
Although he be a man of great command;
But gilded spurs do jingle at his heeles;
Whose rowels are as big as some coach wheels,
He grac'd them well, for in the Netherlands,
His heels did him more service than his hands.
On a fly in a glasse.
[5.]A fly out of his glasse a guest did take,
'Ere with the liquor he his thirst would slake,
When he had drunk his fill, again the fly
Into the glasse he put, and said, though I
Love not flyes in my drink yet others may,
Whose humour I nor like, nor will gainsay.
Upon a Churle that was a great usurer.
[9.]A Chuffe that scarce hath teeth to chew his meate,
Heares with deafe ears, and sees with glassy eies,
Unto his grave his path doth daily beate,
Or like a logg upon his pallett lies:
Hath not a thought of God, nor of his grace,
Speaks not a word but what intends to gaine,
Can have no pitty on the poore Mans case,
But will the hart-strings of the needy straine:
Cries not till death, and then but gives a groane,
To leave his silver, and his golden bags,
Then gapes and dies, and with a little moane
Is lapped up in a few rotten ragges:
What will this Clunch fist leave upon his grave?
Here lies the Carkasse of a wretched Knave.
[4.] An Arch Wag speaking of the late dreadful Fire of London, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to Ashes, Bread Street was burnt to a Coal, Pie Corner was over bak'd and Snow hill melted down.
[4.] A Highway man being to be hang'd in a Country Town, Order was sent to the Carpenter to make a Gallows; which he neglecting to do, the Execution was forc'd to be defer'd, for which the Judge was not a little angry, who sending for the Carpenter, asked him why he had not done it? Why Sir, said he, I have done two or three already, but was never paid for them; but had I known it had been for your Worship, I would have left all other business to have done it.
[3.]Sir Egley More[9] that Valiant Knight,
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille;
He fetcht his sword and he went to fight
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille;
As he went over hill and dale,
All cloathed in his coat of Male,
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille.
A huge great Dragon leapes out of his Den,
With his &c.
Which had kill'd the Lord knowes how many men,
With his &c.
But when he saw Sir Egly More,
Good lack had you seen how this Dragon did roare
With his &c.
This Dragon he had on a plaguy hide,
With his &c.
Which could both sword and speare abide,
All the trees in the wood did shake,
With his &c.
Stars did tremble and man did quake,
With his &c.
But had you seen how the birds lay peeping,
'Twould have made a mans heart to a' fallen a weeping.
With his &c.
But now it was too late to feare,
With his &c.
For now it was come to fight dog, fight beare,
With his &c.
And as a yawning he did fall,
He thrust his sword in, hilts and all.
With his &c.
But now as the Knight in coller[10] did burne,
With his &c.
He ow'd the Dragon a shrewd good turne;
With his &c.
In at his mouth his sword he bent,
The hilt appeared at his fundament.
With his &c.
Then the Dragon like a Coward began to fly,
With his &c.
Unto his Den that was hard by.
With his &c.
And there he laid him down and roar'd;
The Knight was vexed for his sword,
With his &c.
The Sword it was a right good blade,
With his &c.
As ever Turk or Spaniard made;
With his &c.
I for my part do forsake it,
And he that will fetch it, let him take it.
With his &c.
When all this was done to the Ale house he went,
With his &c.
And by and by his two pence he spent;
With his &c.
For he was so hot with tugging with the Dragon,
That nothing could quench him but a whole Flagon.
With his &c.
Now God preserve our King and Queen,
With his &c.
And eke in London may be seene,
With his &c.
As many Knights, and as many more,
And all as good as Sir Eglemore.
With his &c.
[9] For tune see [Appendix].
[10] Choler, anger.
[1.] There was a Fryer in London, which did use to go often to the house of an old woman, but ever when he came to her house, she hid all the meat she had. On a time this Fryer came to her house (bringing certain Company with him) and demanded of the Wife if she had any meat. And she said, Nay. Well, quoth the Fryer, have you not a whetstone? Yea (qd. the Woman) Marry, qd. he, I would make meat thereof. Then she brought a whetstone. He asked her likewise if she had not a Frying-pan. Yea, said she, but what the devil will ye do therewith? Marry (said the Fryer) you shall see by and by what I will do with it; and when he had the pan, he set it on the fire, and put the whetstone therein. Cocks body, said the woman, you will burn the pan. No, no, qd. the Fryer, if you will give me some eggs, it will not burn at all. But she would have had the pan from him, when that she saw it was in danger; yet he would not let her, but still urged her to fetch him some eggs, which she did. Tush said the Fryer, here are not enow, go fetch ten or twelve. So the good Wife was constrayned to fetch more for feare lest the Pan should burn; And when he had them, he put them in the Pan. Now, qd he, if you have no butter the pan will burn, and the eggs too. So the good wife being very loth to have her pan burnt, and the eggs lost, she fetcht him a dish of butter, the which he put into the pan, and made good meat thereof, & brought to the table, saying, Much good may it do you my Masters, now may you say, you have eaten of a buttered Whetstone. Whereat all the Company laughed, but the woman was exceeding angry because the Fryer had subtilly beguiled her of her meat.
The Devill and the Fryar.
[5.]The Devill was once deceived by a fryar,
Who though he sold his soul cheated the buyer.
The devill was promist if he would supply,
The Fryar with Coyn at his necessity,
When all the debts he ow'd discharg'd were quite,
The Devill should have his soul as his by right;
The Devill defray'd all scores, payd all; at last
Demanded for his due, his soul in haste:
The Fryar return'd this answer, if I owe
You any debts at all, then you must know
I am indebted still, if nothing be
Due unto you, why do you trouble me?
On Battus.
[5.]Battus doth bragge he hath a world of bookes
His studies maw holds more than well it may,
But seld' or never he upon them looks,
And yet he looks upon them every day,
He looks upon their out side, but within
He never looks nor never will begin:
Because it cleane against his nature goes
To know mens secrets, so he keeps them Close.
The
Unconscionable Batchelors of DARBY,
or the
Young Lasses Pawn'd by their Sweethearts, for a large
Reckoning, at Nottingham Goose Fair; where
poor Susan was forced to pay the Shot.
To the Tune of To thee, To thee &c.
[10.]You lovers of mirth attend a while,
a merry new ditty here I write,
I know it will make you laugh and smile,
for every line affords delight:
The Lasses of Darby with young Men,
they went to Goose Fair for recreation,
But how these Sparks did serve them then,
is truly worth your observation,
Truly, truly worth your observation,
therefore I pray observe this Ditty;
The Maids did complain they came there in vain
and was not, was not that a pity.
So soon as they came into the Fair,
The Batchelors made them conjues[11] low,
And bid them a thousand welcomes there,
this done to a tippling school they go;
How pleasant was honest Kate and Sue,
believing they should be richly treated,
But, Neighbours and Friends, as I am true;
no Lasses ever was so cheated;
Cheated, cheated, very farely cheated,
as you may note by this new Ditty;
They were left alone, to make their moan,
and was not, was not that a pity?
The innocent Lasses fair and gay,
concluded the Men was kind and free,
Because they pass'd the time away,
a plenty of cakes and ale they see;
For sider and mead they then did call,
and whatever else the House afforded,
But Susan was forc'd to pay for all,
out of the mony she had hoarded,
Hoarded, hoarded, mony she had hoarded;
it made her sing a doleful Ditty,
And so did the rest with grief opprest,
and was not, was not that a pity?
Young Katy she seemed something Coy,
because she would make them eager grow,
As knowing thereby she might enjoy
what beautiful Damsels long to know,
On complements they did not stand,
nor did they admire their charming features;
For they had another game in hand,
which was to pawn these pretty creatures,
Creatures, creatures, loving, loving Creatures,
which was so charming, fair, and pretty;
The Men sneak'd away, and nothing did pay,
and was not, was not, that a pity?
Though out of the door they enter'd first,
and left them tipling there behind,
Those innocent Maids did not mistrust,
that Batchelors could be so unkind.
Quoth Susan, I know their gone to buy
the fairings which we did so require,
And they will return I know, for why,
they do our youthful charms admire;
Therefore, therefore, stay a little longer,
and I will sing you a pleasant Ditty,
But when they found they were catch'd in the pound,
they sigh'd and weep'd the more's the pity.
Now finding the Men return'd no more,
and that the good People would not trust,
They presently call'd to know the Score,
it chanc'd to be fifteen shilling just:
Poor Kate had but five pence in her purse,
but Sue had a crown besides a guinney;
And since the case had happen'd thus,
poor Soul she paid it e'ry penny,
Penny, Penny, e'ry, e'ry penny,
tho' with a sad and doleful Ditty
Said she, for this I had not a kiss,
and was not, was not that a pity?
Printed for J. Bissel,[12] in West Smithfield.
[11] Congées, low bows.
[12] James Bissel lived at the Bible and Harp, by the Hospital Gate, and published between 1685 and 1695.
[1.] There was a Priest in the Country, which had christned a Child; and when he had christned it, he and the clark were bidden to the drinking that should be there, and thither they went with other people, and being there, the Priest drunk and made so merry that he was quite foxed,[13] and thought to go home before he laid him down to sleep; but having gone a little way, he grew so drowsie, that he could go no further, but laid him down by a ditch side, so that his feet did hang in the water, and lying on his back, the Moon shined in his face: thus he lay till the rest of the Company came from drinking, who as they came home found the Priest lying as aforesaid, and they thought to get him away, but do what they could he would not rise, but said, Do not meddle with me, for I lie very well, I will not stir hence before morning, but I pray you lay some more cloathes on my feet, and blow out the Candle, and let me lie and take my rest.
[13] Drunk.
In Getam.
[5.]Geta from wool and weaving first began,
Swelling and Swelling to a gentleman;
When he was gentleman, and bravely dight,
He left not swelling till he was a knight;
At last forgetting what he was at first,
He swole to be a Lord . . . and then he burst.
On Button a Sexton making a grave.
[5.]Ye powers above, and heavenly poles,
Are graves become but Button Holes.
[4.] Two Sparks standing together in the Cloysters, seeing a pretty Lady pass by, says one of them, There goes the handsomest Lady that I ever saw in my Life; She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, Sir I would I could in way of Requital say as much of you. Faith, says he, so you may, and Lye as I did.
On Jack Wiseman.
[3.]Jack Wiseman brags his very name,
Proclaims his wit, he's much to blame,
To doe the Proverb so much wrong,
Which sayes he's wise that holds his tongue;
Which makes me contradict the Scooles,
And apt to thinke the wise men fools,
Yet pardon Jack, I hear that now
Thou'rt wed, and must thy wit allow,
That by a strange œnigma can,
Make a light Woman a Wiseman.
Of a Woman's Kindnesse to her Husband.
[6.]One that had lived long by lewdest shifts,
Brought to the Court that Corne from Cockle[14] sifts
Adiudged, first to lye a yeere in fetters,
Then burned in his forhead with two letters,
And to disparage him with more disgrace,
To slit his nose, the figure of his face.
The prisoners wife with no dishonest mind,
To shew herselfe unto her husband kind,
Sued humbly to the Lords, and would not cease,
Some part of this sharp rigour to release.
He was a man (she said) had serv'd in Warre,
What mercy would a Souldiers face so marre.
Thus much said she, but gravely they replied,
It was great mercy that he thus was tried:
His crimes deserve he should have lost his life,
And hang in chaines; Alas, reply'd the wife,
If you disgrace him thus, you quite undo him,
Good my Lords, hang him, pray be good unto him.
[14] The Agrostemna githago, Linn.
[1.] There were once too men that were both masterless and moneyless, & one said to the other, What remedy canst thou now find out, that we may either get some meat or money? By my troth (qd. the other) I do know a very fine shift, (& being very early in the morning they espyed a man coming with Hogs). Lo, yonder cometh a man with Hogs, and I will tell him that they be sheep, and I will cause him to lay a Wager with me, whether they be Sheep or Hogs: & I will cause the matter to be judged by the next man that cometh, but then thou must go another way & meet with us; when we demand of thee whether they be sheep or hogs, thou must say that they be sheep. Then they separated themselves the one from the other, and the one went to meet the man that had the Swine, bidding him good morrow; the man doing the like to him again. Then he said to the old man, Father, where had you your fair sheep. What sheep qd the man; these sheep that you drive before you: Why, qd the old man, they are swine. What (qd. the other) will you make me a fool? think you I know not Sheep from Swine? Marry (qd. the old man) I will lay one of my Swine against what thou wilt, that they be no Sheep. I hold thee my coat against one of thy sheep qd. the other. I am content qd the old man, by whom shall we be tryed? By the next man that meets us. Content, said the old man; and then they perceived the man coming being the fellow of the young man. And when he came to them the old man requested him to tel them what beasts those were? Why (qd. he) they be sheep, do you not know sheep? I told him so (qd. the other young man) but he would not believe me, so I laid my Coat upon a Wager that they were sheep, and he laid me one of his sheep against my Coat that they were Swine; and I won it have I not? Yea (qd. the old man,) but God help me, I bought them for Swine. And then the young man took one of the fattest hogs he could find amongst them all, & carryed him away, and his fellow went another way, as though he had not known him, and the poore man returned again to the place where he had bought them.
What became of him afterward I cannot tell: only thus much I know, that he was deceived by those two crafty fellows of one of his hogs. But they immediately met one the other again, and sold the hog for Money, and rejoyced that they fared so well (not knowing how to have otherwise sustained their wants).
Of Marcus.
[5.]When Marcus fail'd a borrowed sum to pay,
Unto his friend at the appointed day:
'Twere superstition for a man he sayes,
To be a strict observer of set dayes.
[11.]The industrious Smith wherin is showne,
How plain dealing is overthrown,
That let a man do the best that he may,
An idle huswife will work his decay,
Yet art is no burthen; tho ill we may speed,
Our labour will help us in time of our need.
To the Tune of Young Man remember delights are but vain.
There was a poor Smith liv'd in a poor town,
That had a loving wife bonny and brown,
And though he were very discreet and wise,
Yet he would do nothing without her advice;
His stock it grew low, full well did he know,
He told his wife what he intended to do,
Quoth he, sweet wife, if I can prevail,
I will shoo horses, and thou shalt sell Ale.
I see by my labour but little I thrive,
And that against the stream I do strive
By selling of Ale some money is got,
If every man honestly pay for his pot:
By this we may keep the wolf from the door,
And live in good fashion though now we live poor,
If we have good custom, we shall have quick sale,
So may we live bravely by selling of Ale.
Kind husband, quoth she, let be as you said,
It is the best motion that ever you made,
A Stan[15] of good Ale, let me have in,
A dozen of good white bread in my Bin;
Tobacco likewise we must not forget,
Men will call for it when malt's above wheat.
When once it is known, then ore hill and dale,
Men will come flocking to taste of our Ale.
They sent for a wench, her name it was Besse,
And her they hired to welcome their guesse,[16]
They took in good Ale, and many things mo,
The Smith had got him two strings to his bow:
Good fellows came in, and began for to rore,
The Smith he was never so troubled before,
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
These things must be, if we sell Ale.
The Smith went to his work every day,
But still one or other would call him away,
For now he had got him the name of an Host,
It cost him many a Pot and a Toste.
Beside much precious time he now lost,
And thus the poor Smith was every day crost,
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl
These things must be if we sell Ale.
Men run on the score, and little they paid,
Which made the poor Smith be greatly dismaied,
And bonny Besse though she were not slack
To welcome her guesse, yet things went to wrack;
For she would exchange a pot for a kisse,
Which any fellow should seldom times misse.
But quoth the good Wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
The Smith went abroad, at length hee came home,
And found his maid and man in a room,
Both drinking together foot to foot,
To speak unto them he thought was no boot:
For they were both drunk and could not reply,
To make an excuse as big as a lye.
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
He came home again and there he did see
His Wife kindly sitting on a man's knee,
And though he said little, yet he thought the more,
And who can blame the poor Wittall therfore.
He hug'd her and kist her though Vulcan stood by,
Which made him to grumble, and look all awry.
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
These things must be, if we sell Ale.
A Sort of Saylers were drinking one night,
And when they were drunk began for to fight,
The Smith came to part them, as some do report,
And for his good will was beat in such sort
That he could not lift his arms to his head,
Nor yet very hardly creep up to his bed.
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
The Smith by chance a good fellow had met,
That for strong Ale was much in his debt,
He ask't him for money; quoth he, by your leave,
I owe you no money, nor none you shall have.
I owe to your wife, and her I will pay;
The Smith he was vext and departed away.
Alas who can blame him, if now he do rayl,
For these things must be if we sell Ale.
......
A flock of good fellows, all Smiths by their trade,
Within a while after a holiday made,
Unto the Smith's house they came then with speed,
And there they were wondrous merry indeed,
With my pot and thy pot to make the score hier,
Mine Host was so drunk he fell in the fire.
But quoth the good Wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
......
But men ran so much with him on the score,
That Vulcan at last grew wondrous poor,
He owed the Brewer and Baker so much,
They thretned to arrest him, his case it was such;
He went to his Anvill, to my pot and thine,
He turn'd out his Maid, he pul'd down his Signe,
But O (quoth the good Wife) why should we fail,
These things should not be, if we sell Ale.
The Smith and his boy went to work for some chink,
To pay for the liquor which others did drink
Of all trades in London few break as I heare,
That sell Tobacco, strong Ale and good Beer,
They might have done better, but they were loth
To fill up their measure with nothing but froth.
Let no Ale-house keeper at my Song rayl,
These things must be if they sell Ale.
Humfrey Crowch.[17]
FINIS.
London. Printed for Richard Harper[18] in Smithfield.
[15] A Stand of Ale was a beer barrel set on end.
[16] Guests.
[17] Of Humphrey Crowch or Crouch little is known, but we know he published many ballads and books of the chap-book order; among the former is the Mad Man's Morrice, and among the latter is England's Jests refin'd. He certainly wrote from 1637 to 1687.
[18] Richard Harper published from 1635 to 1642.
[8.] Jack Roberts was desired by his Taylour, when the reckoning grew somewhat high, to have a Bill of his hand. Roberts said, I am content, but you must let no man know it; when the Taylour brought him the Bill, he tore it as in choler, and said to him, You use me not well, you promised me that no man should know it, and here you have put in: Be it known unto all Men by these Presents.
[1.] A Certain Butcher was flaying a Calf at night and had stuck a lighted Candle upon his head, because he would be the quicker about his business, and when he had done, he thought to take the same Candle to light him to bed: but he had forgot where he had set it, and sought about the House for it, and all the while it stuck in his Cap upon his head, and lighted him in seeking it. At the last one of his fellows came and asked him what he sought for? Marry, (quoth he) I look for the Candle which I did flay the Calf withal. Why, thou fool, qd. he, thou hast a Candle in thy Cap: and then he felt towards his Cap, and took away the Candle burning, whereat there was great laughing and he mocked for his labour, as he was well worthy.
[12.]A rich man, and's Wife,
Were every day at strife,
And each wisht t'other in the Grave;
But their good Son and Heir
Begg'd God grant their Prayer,
That both their desires they might have.
[12.]One Hart, that was Wild
Got a woman with Child,
But the Justice did take his part;
Then she cry'd and did mumble,
Sayes the Justice de'e grumble?
No, I grieve, Sir, and lay it to Hart.
[4.] Just after the late Kings Restauration, when going to Church came to be in fashion, an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go to Church; for fear of being Presented, she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon: So Dressing herself very fine, she came into the Church, just at the Expiration of the Letany, and the Parson having said, Lord have Mercy upon us, and then the People Responding thereto, she Cryed out aloud, I never was here before in my Life, and since you make such a Wonderment at it I will never come again.
On Sextus.
[5.]Sextus doth wish his wife in heaven were
Where can shee have more happines than there?
The Rurall Dance about the May-pole.[19]
The Tune the first Figure dance at Mr Young's Ball in May 1671
[13.]Come lasses and ladds,
Take leave of your Dadds,
And away to the May-pole hey;
For every he
Has got him a she
With a Minstrill standing by.
For Willy has gotten his Jill,
And Jonny has got his Jone,
To jigg it, jigg it, jigg it, jigg it,
Jigg it up and down.
Strike up sayes Wat
Agreed sayes Kate,
And I prethee Fidler play,
Content sayes Hodge,
And so sayes Madge,
For this is a Holliday.
Then every man did put
His Hat off to his Lasse,
And every Girle did curchy,
Curchy, curchy on the Grasse.
Begin sayes Hall.
[20] I. I says Mall
Wee'l lead up Packingtons[21] pound
No, no, says Noll
And so says Doll
Wee'l first have Sellengers[22] round:
Then every man began
To foot it round about,
And every Girle did jet it,
Jet it, jet it in and out
Y'are out, says Dick,
'Tis a lye, says Nick,
The Fidler play'd it false;
'Tis true says Hugh,
And so says Sue,
And so says nimble Alice;
The Fidler then began
To play the Tune agen,
And every Girle did trip it,
Trip it, trip it to the men.
Let's kiss says Jane,
Content, says Nan
And so says every she
How many says Batt,
Why three says Matt,
For that's a maiden's fee;
But they instead of three
Did give 'em halfe a score,
And they in kindnesse gave 'em,
Gave 'em, gave 'em as many more.
Then after an hour,
They went to a bower,
And play'd for Ale and Cakes,
And kisses too
Untill they were due,
The Lasses kept the stakes.
The Girles did then begin
To quarrel with the men,
And bid 'em take their kisses back
And give 'em their own agen.
Yet there they sate
Until it was late
And tyr'd the Fidler quite,
With singing and playing
Without any paying,
From morning untill night.
They told the fidler then,
They'd pay him for his play,
And each a 2 pence, 2 pence, 2 pence,
Gave him and went away.
[19] For tune see [Appendix].
[20] Ay, ay.
[21] This tune certainly was known in Queen Elizabeth's time, for it occurs in her Virginal book, and Chappell says, "It probably took its name from Sir John Packington, commonly called 'lusty Packington,' the same who wagered that he would swim from the Bridge at Westminster, i.e. Whitehall Stairs, to that at Greenwich for the sum of £3000. 'But the good Queen, who had particular tenderness for handsome fellows, would not permit Sir John to run the hazard of the trial.'"
[22] Or St. Leger's round, was thought by Sir John Hawkins to be the oldest country dance now extant, and is to be found in Queen Elizabeth's Virginal book.
[4.] A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant, was resolv'd to Examine and Instruct them at home; so going to an Ancient Womans House, amongst other Questions, he asked her how many Commandments there were? She told him she could not tell: he told her there were Ten: Whereat she replied, A Jolly Company! God Bless you and them both together. Well, but, Neighbour, (says he) Do you think you can keep these Commandments? Ah! God bless you, Sir, (said she) I am a poor Woman, and can hardly keep my self; I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you.
On Charismus.
[5.]Thou hast compos'd a book, which neither age
Nor future time shall hurt through all their rage,
For how can future times or age invade
That work, which perished as soone as made.
[12.]A man did surmise
That another mans eyes
Were both of a different frame;
For if they had been Matches,
Then, alas, poor wretches,
His Nose would a set 'em in a flame.
[8.] Master Mason of Trinity Colledge, sent his Pupil to another of the Fellows to borrow a Book of him, who told him I am loath to lend my Books out of my Chamber, but if it please thy Tutor to come and read upon it in my Chamber, he shall as long as he will. It was winter, and some daies after the same Fellow sent to Mr Mason to borrow his Bellows, but Master Mason said to his Pupil, I am loath to lend my Bellows out of my Chamber, but if thy Tutor would come and blow the Fire in my Chamber he shall as long as he will.
Of a drunken Smith.
[6.]I heard that Smug the Smith for Ale and Spice,
Sold all his tooles, and yet he kept his Vice.
[6.]When Lynus meetes me, after Salutations,
Curtesies, complements, and gratulations,
He presseth me unto the third deniall,
To lend him twenty shillings or a ryall;[23]
But, with his curt'sies, of his purpose fayling
He goes behind my backe cursing and railing.
Foole, thy kind speeches cost thee not a penny,
And more foole I, if they should cost me enny.
[23] Value ten shillings.
[4.] A Minister going to one of his Parishioners he asked her, who made her? She reply'd, She did not know: A Child standing by, he asked him the same Question, who Answered, God; whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old Woman, told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant, who had lived to those Years, and that little Child could tell. Marry, quoth she, I am an old Woman, and have been made a great while, and he was made but t'other day, he may well tell who made him.
[13.]I went to the Tavern, and then,
I went to the Tavern, and then,
I had good store of Wine,
And my Cap full of coyne
And the world went well with me then, then,
And the world went well with me then.
I went to the Tavern agen
When I ran on the score
And was turn'd out o' th' door
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
When I was a Batchelor then,
I had a Saddle and a Horse,
And I took my own Course,
And the world went well with me then, then &c.
But when I was marry'd, O then
My Horse and my Saddle
Were turn'd to a Cradle,
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
When I brought her home mony, then
She never would pout,
But clip me about,
And the world went well with me then, then, &c.
But when I was drunk, O then,
She'd kick, she'd fling,
Till she made the house ring,
And the world went ill with me then, then &c.
So I turn'd her away, and then,
I got me a Miss
To Clip and to kiss,
And the world went ill with me then, then &c.
I took my wife home agen,
But I chang'd her note
For I cut her throat.
And the world went well with me then, then, &c.
But when it was known, O then,
In a two wheeld Charret
To Tiburn I was carry'd,
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
But when I came there, O then,
They forc't me to swing
To heaven in a string.
And the world went well with me then, then &c.
[1.] There was a man in the Country, who had not been any far Traveller, and dwelt far from any Church except a Church that was seven or eight miles from his house, and there they never sung Mass nor Even song, but did ever say it. And on a time he came to London, having never been here before, & being in London he went to Pauls Church, & went into the Chappel, where they sung Mass with Organs, and when he heard the melody of the Organs and the singing together, that he never heard before, he thought he should have gone to Heaven by and by, and looked, and said aloud that every one heard, O Lord, shall I go to heaven presently? I would thou wouldest let me alone till I might go home and fetch my white stick and black hood, and then I would go gladly with thee. Where at all the people laughed heartily.
Sorte tuâ contentus.
[5.]If adverse fortune bring to passe
And will that thou an asse must bee,
Then be an asse, and live an asse,
For out of question wise is hee
That undergoes with humble mind
The state that chance hath him assign'd.
[12.]A Fellow told his Friends.
That a Pudding had two ends;
But that's a lye, sayes another;
Do but think agen,
And you'l find it begin
At one end, and ends at t'other.
[14.]If that from Glove you take the letter G
Then glove is love, and that I send to thee.
[15.] THE JOLLY WELSH WOMAN
Who drinking at the Sign of the Crown in London, found a
Spring in her Mugg, for Joy of which hur Sung the
praise of Old England resolving never to return to Wales
again.
Tune of, Hey brave Popery &c.
Licensed according to Order.
There was an Old woman came out of North Wales,
And up to fair London her merrily Sails,
It was for her pleasure Cuts-plutter-a-nails
Sing O brave Welsh Woman, Jolly brave Welsh Woman,
Delicate Welsh Woman. O.
As soon as hur came into fair London town
Hur went to an Alehouse the sign of the Crown,
In order to tipple hur streight did sit down.
Sing O brave &c.
Hur being a weary and willing to rest,
Hur would not be one of the worst of the guest,
But call'd for a Pitcher of Ale of the best.
Sing O brave &c.
The Tapster then giving the Jugg in her hand,
The Welsh woman streight on hur feet she did stand,
And drank a good health to hur King of England.
Sing O brave &c.
Now while she had gotten the jugg at her snout,
And being both lusty, courageous and stout,
Hur gave it a tug, till hur swigg'd it half out.
Sing O brave &c.
The Tapster he see her to be of that strain,
And how she did tipple the Liquor amain,
Thought he, I will fill up thy pitcher again.
Sing O brave &c.
The jugg hur had plac'd on the Bench by her side,
To which the young tapster did cunningly slide,
And fill'd it as if it had been a full tide.
Sing O brave &c.
Now hur did not know how her pitcher did fill,
Therefore hur did say with a merry good will
Here's Tipple and drink, and her Pitcher full still.
Sing O brave England &c.
The praise of this Nation Cuts-plut her will sing,
Hur never had known such a wonderful thing,
The juggs in this land has a delicate Spring.
Sing O brave England &c.
Once more she saluted the lips of her Mugg,
And gave it a hearty and dextrous tugg,
The Tapster once more he did fill up her jugg.
Sing O brave England &c.
The Liquor up into her Noddle did steel,
The Floor with her feet hur hardly could feel,
So that hur began for to stagger and reel.
Sing O brave England &c.
Hur swore hur would never to Wales any more,
For hur has tasted Rich liquor good store,
The like in all Wales hur had neer drank before,
Sing O brave England &c.
Hereafter hur never will honour the Leek,
This was the best Nation as e're hur did seek,
Here's liquor of life that will make a Cat speak.
Sing O brave England &c.
In praise of this liquor, hur Cap up she flung,
For why, it Created an Eloquent Tongue,
Besides it will make an Old Woman look young,
Sing O brave Nappy Ale, Delicate Nappy Ale,
Dainty fine Nappy Ale.
[1.] In the country dwelt a Gentlewoman who had a French man dwelling with her and he did ever use to go to Church with her, and upon a time he and his Mistresse were going to Church and she bad him pull the doore after him and follow her to the Church, and so he took the doore betweene his armes, and lifted it from the hooks, and followed his Mistresse with it: But when she looked behinde her and saw him bring the doore upon his back, Why, thou foolish knave, qd. she, what wilt thou do with the door? Marry Mistresse, qd. he, you bad me pull the doore after me. Why, qd. she, I did command thee that thou shouldest make fast the doore after thee, and not bring it upon thy back after me. But after this, there was much good sport and laughing at his simplicity and foolishnesse therein.
On a Watch lost in a Tavern.
[14.]A Watch lost in a Tavern? that's a Crime,
You know how men in drinking lose there time:
A Watch keeps time, and if time pass away,
There is small reason that the Watch should stay.
The key hung out, and you forgot to lock it,
Time scorns to be kept tame in any pocket.
Hereafter if you keep't, thus must you do,
Pocket your Watch, and watch your pockets too.
Of a Precise Taylor.
[16.]A Taylor thought a man of upright dealing,
True, but for lying, honest but for stealing,
Did fall one day extreamly sicke by chance,
And on the sudden was in wondrous trance.
The Fiends of hell mustring in fearfull manner,
Of Sundry Coloured silkes displayed a Banner,
Which he had stolne, and wish't as they did tell
That one day he might finde it all in hell.
The man affrighted at this apparition
Upon recovery grew a great Precisian.
He bought a Bible of the new Translation,
And in his life he shew'd great reformation;
He walked mannerly, and talked meekely,
He heard three Lectures, and two Sermons weekely:
He vowed to shunne all companies unruly,
And in his speech he used none oath, but truly.
And zealously to keepe the Sabboths rest,
His meat for that day, on the e've was drest,
And least the custome that he had to steale,
Might cause him sometime to forget his zeale,
He gives his journeyman a speciall charge,
That if the stuffe allow'd fell out too large,
And that to filch his fingers were inclin'd,
He then should put the Banner in his minde.
This done, I scant can tell the rest for laughter,
A Captaine of a ship came three daies after,
And brought three yards of Velvet, and three Quarters
To make Venetians[24] down below the garters.
He that precisely knew what was enuffe,
Soone slipt away three quarters of the stuffe.
His man espying it, said in derision,
Remember, Master, how you saw the vision.
Peace (knave) quoth he, I did not see one ragge
Of such a coloured silke in all the flagge.
[24] Trunk hose.
[8.] A Notorious Rogue being brought to the Bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading, he took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, I charge you in the Kings name to seise and take away that man (meaning the Judge) in the red Gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him.
On a gentleman that married an heire privately at the Tower.
[5.]The angry Father hearing that his childe
Was stoln, married, and his hopes beguild;
('Cause his usurious nature had a thought
She might have bin to greater fortunes brought:)
With rigid looks, bent brows, and words austere,
Ask'd his forc'd son in law how he did dare
Thus beare his onely daughter to be married;
And by what Cannons he assumed such power?
He sayd, the best in England, sir, the Tower.
Of Galla's goodly Periwigge.
[16.]You see the goodly hayre that Galla weares,
'Tis certain her own hayr, who would have thought it?
She sweares it is her owne; and true she sweares,
For hard by Temple-barre last day she bought it.
So faire a haire, upon so foule a forehead,
Augments disgrace, and showes the grace is borrow'd.
[17.] Several Gentlemen were at dinner together, and one of them was a Parson; among the Dishes one was a Pig, but 'twas very lean; Then they concluded that it was only fit for the Parson, being a spiritual Pig, for it had no flesh upon it.
An Invitation to Lubberland.
with
An Account of the great Plenty
of that Fruitful Country.
There's all sorts of Fowl and Fish,
with Wine and store of Brandy,
Ye have there what your Hearts can wish,
the Hills are Sugar Candy.
The Tune of Billy and Molly Or, The Journey-man Shoe maker
This may be printed R. P.[25]
[19.]There is a ship we understand
now riding in the river,
Tis newly come from Lubberland
the like I think was never;
You that a lazy life do love,
I'd have you now go over,
They say land is not above
two thousand leagues from Dover.
The Captain and the Master too,
do's give us this relation,
And so do's all the whole ships crew,
concerning this strange nation.
The streets are pav'd with pudding-pies
nay powder'd[26] beef and bacon,
They say they scorn to tell you lies,
who thinks it is mistaken.
The king of knaves and queen of sluts
reign there in peace and quiet;
You need not fear to starve your guts,
there is such store of diet:
There may you live free from all care,
like hogs set up a fatning,
The garments which the people wear
is silver, silk and sattin.
The lofty buildings of this place
for many years have lasted,
With nutmegs, pepper, cloves and mace,
the walls are roughly casted,
In curious hasty-pudding boil'd,
and most ingenious Carving.
Likewise they are with pancakes ty'd,
sure, here's no fear of starving.
The Captain says, in every Town
hot roasted pigs will meet ye,
They in the streets run up and down,
still crying out, come eat me:
Likewise he says, at every feast
the very fowls and fishes,
Nay, from the biggest to the least,
comes tumbling to the dishes.
The rivers run with claret fine,
the brooks with rich Canary,
The ponds with other sorts of wine,
to make your hearts full merry:
Nay, more than this, you may behold
the fountains flow with Brandy,
The rocks are like refined gold,
the hills are sugar candy.
Rosewater is the rain they have,
which comes in pleasant showers,
All places are adorned brave
with sweet and fragrant flowers:
Hot Custards grows on e'ery tree
each ditch affords rich jellies
Now, if you will be rul'd by me,
go there, and fill your bellies.