JOE MILLER’S JESTS,
WITH COPIOUS ADDITIONS.

EDITED BY
FRANK BELLEW.

COPY OF THE TITLE-PAGE TO THE ORIGINAL EDITION.

Joe Miller’s Jests; or, the Wit’s Vade-Mecum: being a collection of the most brilliant Jests; the politest Repartees; the most elegant Bon mots, and most pleasant short Stories in the English language. First carefully collected in the company, and many of them transcribed from the mouth of the Facetious Gentleman, whose name they bear; and now set forth and published by his lamentable friend and former companion, Elijah Jenkins, Esq. Most humbly inscribed to those Choice Spirits of the Age, Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. Orator Henley, and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer. London: Printed and sold by T. Read, in Dogwell Court, White’s Fryars, Fleet Street. mdccxxxix.

PUBLISHED AT THE
OFFICE OF THE NORTHERN MAGAZINE,
39 Park Row, New-York.

1865.

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by
A. BELLEW,
In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New-York.

PREFACE.

A few years ago, at a dinner party in England, a very good story was told by one of the company, who represented the hero of the anecdote as a well-known nobleman then living. This story was immediately pronounced to be an “old Joe.” On this, a warm discussion took place, when it came out incidentally, that not one of those present had ever seen the book so familiarly referred to. This discovery aroused the curiosity of one of the party, who immediately resolved to procure a copy of the work—a most difficult and costly matter. Having procured the book, he decided to republish it for the benefit of his benighted fellow-countrymen, and the following volume is the result.

A singular fact connected with this work is, that every body presumes that he himself, and every other person, is perfectly familiar with its contents; and yet, if the reader will ask his friends, it will appear that not one in a thousand ever set eyes on a copy; indeed, we doubt much whether there are a dozen persons in the United States who have ever seen the work.

Mr. Joseph Miller—or Joe Miller, as he is generally called, with a familiarity that smacks of immortality—whose name as a wit is now current wherever the English language is spoken, was, when living, himself a jest for dulness, so that his name appended to this work is what Mr. Artemus Ward would call “sarkasum.” According to report, Miller, who was an excellent comic actor, but taciturn and saturnine, “was in the habit of spending his afternoons at the Black Jack, a well-known public-house in Portsmouth street, Clare Market, which at that time was frequented by the most respectable tradesmen in the neighborhood, who, from Joe’s imperturbable gravity, whenever any risible saying was recounted, ironically ascribed it to him. After his death, having left his family unprovided for, advantage was taken of this badinage. A Mr. Mottley, a well-known dramatist of that day, was employed to collect all the stray jests, then current on town. Joe Miller’s name was prefixed to them, and from that day to this, the man who never uttered a jest has been the reputed author of every jest, past and present, and doubtless through future ages will receive credit for all the good things that may be said by the grandchildren of those youngsters who now collect —— and our knees, and, in the innocence of their hearts, never suspect (that which they will, alas! discover in after years) that we have been palming off on them “Old Joe’s,” as the production of our own unparalleled humor. Fathers may well dread the effect this book may have on the filial respect of their sons a generation hence, when they will cease to be the respected wits and become the beloved impostors.

This volume not only contains the jests of Joe Miller, but a large number of others, gathered from collections of Facetiæ previously and since published. But to the bookworm and student of Jokology, it will be sufficient to say that the first one hundred and ninety-eight jokes comprise the whole of the genuine edition.

When we look at the reputation of this Miller, we must needs be deeply impressed with the capriciousness of the character of Fame. A hero or a martyr dies—she gives one small toot and hangs up her horn. But some obscure person is hot with a jest, and her trumpet brays away in his honor for ages. Then, too, her mendacity—George of England is advertised as a saint, and Joe Miller as a wit. For aught we can tell to the contrary, our great-grandchildren may honor the name of Greeley as a leader of fashion. They may speak of him as Dandy Horace or Beau Greeley—tailors may adorn their magazines of fashion with his portrait. Miles O’Reilly may be canonized, and Artemus Ward handed down to posterity as a general officer in the confederate army.

JOE MILLER’S JESTS.

1. The Duke of Atholl, who says more good things than anybody, being behind the scenes the first night of the Beggars’ Opera, and meeting Cibber there, Well, Colley, said he, how do you like the Beggars’ Opera? Why it makes one laugh, my lord, answered he, on the stage; but how will it do in print? O! very well, I’ll answer for it, said the duke, if you don’t write a preface to it.[A]

[A] See Cibber’s preface to Provoked Husband.

2. There being a great disturbance one night at Drury Lane play-house, Mr. Wilks, coming upon the stage to say something to pacify the audience, had an orange thrown full at him, which he having taken up, making a low bow, This is no civil orange, I think, said he.

3. Joe Miller sitting one day in the window at the Sun Tavern in Clare Street, a fishwoman and her maid passing by, the woman cried, “Buy my souls, buy my maids.” Ah! you wicked old creature, said honest Joe, what are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid’s too?

4. A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, If she spoke one more crooked word, he’d beat her brains out. Why then, ram’s-horns, you rogue, said she, if I die for it.

5. A hackney-coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the lawyers used to club their threepence a-piece, four of them, to go to Westminster; and being called by a lawyer at Temple Bar, who, with two others in their gowns, got into his coach, he was bid to drive to Westminster Hall; but the coachman still holding his door open, as if he waited for more company, one of the gentleman asked him, why he did not shut the door, and go on? The fellow, scratching his head, cried, You know, master, my fare’s a shilling; I can’t go for ninepence.

6. Two free-thinking authors proposed to a bookseller, that was a little decayed in the world, That if he would print their works, they would set him up; and, indeed, they were as good as their word, for in six weeks time he was in the pillory.

7. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt Yard Coffee-house, when it rained exceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge. Zoons, sir, said an old campaigner, who stood by, who’s that? I have heard of all the generals in Europe but him.

8. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his impudence and cowardice, happening many years ago to have a quarrel with Mr. Powel, another player, received from him a smart box on the ear; a few days after, the poetical player having lost his snuff-box, and making strict inquiry if anybody had seen his box, What, said another of the buskined wits, that which George Powel gave you the other night?

9. Gun Jones, who had made his fortune himself, from a mean beginning, happening to have some words with a person who had known him some time, was asked by the other, how he could have the impudence to give himself so many airs, when he knew very well, that he remembered him seven years before with hardly a rag to his back. You lie, sirrah, replied Jones, seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my back.

10. Lord R— having lost fifty pistoles one night at the gaming-table in Dublin, some friends condoling with him upon his ill luck: Faith, said he, I am very well pleased at what I have done; for I have bit them, there is not one pistole that don’t want six-pence of weight.

11. A gentleman saying something in praise of Mrs. C—m, who is, without dispute, a good player, though exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly; another said, her face always put him in mind of Mary-bone Park; being desired to explain himself, he said, It was vastly rude, and had not one bit of pale about it.

12. A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at table over against the learned John Scott, asked him, What difference there was between Scott and Sot? Just the breadth of the table, answered the other.

13. Another poet asked Nat Lee, if it was not easy to write like a madman, as he did? No, answered Nat; but it is easy to write like a fool, as you do.

14. Colley, who, notwithstanding his odes, has now and then said a good thing, being told one night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he expected to see him hanged or beggared very soon: If I had your grace’s politics and morals, said the laureat, you might expect both.

15. Sir Thomas More for a long time had only daughters, his wife earnestly praying that they might have a boy; at last they had a boy, who, when he came to man’s estate, proved but simple: Thou prayedst so long for a boy, said Sir Thomas to his wife, that at last thou hast got one who will be a boy as long as he lives.

16. The same gentleman, when Lord Chancellor, being pressed by the counsel of the party, for a longer day to perform a decree, said, Take St. Barnaby’s Day, the longest in the year, which happened to be next week.

17. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his humour and wit to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower Hill, the headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; Ah! friend, said he, taking off his cap, that, I think, is my upper garment.

18. When Rabelais, the greatest droll in France, lay on his death-bed, he could not help jesting at the very last moment; for, having received the extreme unction, a friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was prepared for the next world: Yes, yes, replied Rabelais, I am ready for my journey now; they have just greased my boots.

19. Henry the Fourth of France, reading an ostentatious inscription on the monument of a Spanish officer, “Here lies the body of Don &c. &c., who never knew what fear was.” Then, said the king, he never snuffed a candle with his fingers.

20. A certain member of the French Academy, who was no great friend to the Abbot Furetiere, one day took the seat that was commonly used by the abbot, and soon after having occasion to speak, and Furetiere being by that time come in: Here is a place, said he, gentlemen, from whence I am likely to utter a thousand impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere, there’s one already.

21. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, for public orations, he happened at one time to be pretty much behind-hand with his workmen, and coming one day among them, to see how they went forward, ordered one of them to get into the rostrum, and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard; the fellow mounting, and scratching his pate, told him, he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. Oh! said the knight, no matter for that, speak anything that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, says the fellow, we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one penny of money: pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?—Very well, very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don’t admire your subject.

22. A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, although an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some reproof on that account, and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown, I can’t read. I dare say, said the parson, you don’t know who made you. Not I, in troth, said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the same time, Who made you, child? said the parson. God, sir, answered the boy. Why, look you there, quoth the honest clergyman, are not you ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot? Ah! said the countryman, it is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but t’other day, it is a great while, master, sin’ I was made.

23. A certain reverend clergyman in the country was complaining to another, that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it.

24. One of the aforesaid gentlemen, as was his custom, preaching most exceedingly dull to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the church, one after another, before the sermon was near ended. Truly, said a gentleman present, this learned doctor has made a very moving discourse.

25. Sir William Davenant the poet had no nose, who going along the Mews one day, a beggar-woman followed him, crying, Ah! God preserve your eye-sight, sir; the Lord preserve your eye-sight. Why, good woman, said he, do you pray so much for my eye-sight? Ah! dear sir, answered the woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no place to hang your spectacles on.

26. A Welchman, bragging of his family, said, His father’s effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey; being asked whereabouts, he said, In the same monument with Squire Thynne’s; for he was his coachman.

27. A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Samson was a very strong man. Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders.

28. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain bishop that sat at his table, that Balaam’s ass spoke because he was pri—est— Priest-rid, sir, (said a valet-de-chambre, who stood behind the chair,) my lord would say. No, friend, replied the bishop, Balaam could not speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him.

29. The same noble lord asked a clergyman once, at the bottom of his table, why the goose, if there was one, was always placed next to the parson? Really, said he, I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, I shall never see a goose, for the future, without thinking of your lordship.

30. A gentleman was asking another how that poor devil S—ge could live, now my Lord T—l had turned him off. Upon his wits, said the other. That is living upon a slender stock indeed, replied the first.

31. A country parson having divided his text under two and twenty heads, one of the congregation went out of the church in a great hurry, and being met by a friend, he asked him, whither he was going? Home for my night-cap, answered the first, for I find we are to stay here all night.

32. A very modest young gentleman, of the county of Tipperary, having attempted many ways in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade under her windows at midnight; but she ordered her servant to drive him hence, by throwing stones at him. Your music, my friend, said one of his companions, is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you.

33. A certain senator, who, it may be, is not esteemed the wisest man in the house, has a frequent custom of shaking his head when another speaks; which, giving offence to a particular person, he complained of the affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the house, It was only an ill habit he had got, for though he would oftentimes shake his head, there was nothing in it.

34. A gentleman having lent a guinea for two or three days to a person whose promises he had not much faith in, was very much surprised to find, that he punctually kept his word with him; the same gentleman being some time after desirous of borrowing the like sum, No, said the other, you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shan’t do it a second time.

35. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his warrant, one of the French prophets, a foolish sect, that started up in his time, to prison; upon which, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers, came one day to my lord’s house, and desired to speak with him; the servants told him, he was not well, and saw no company that day: But tell him, said Lacy, I must see him; for I come to him from the Lord; which being told the Chief Justice, he ordered him to come in, and asked him his business: I come, said he, from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, and would have thee grant a nolle prosequi for John Atkins, whom thou hast cast into prison. Thou art a false prophet, answered my lord, and a lying knave; for if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the Attorney General; he knows it is not in my power to grant a nolle prosequi.

36. Tom B—rn—t happening to be at dinner at my Lord Mayor’s, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, after two or three healths, the ministry was toasted; but when it came to Tom’s turn to drink, he diverted it for some time by telling a story to the person who sat next him; the chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round, called out, Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry? At nothing, said Tom, and so drank off his glass.

37. My Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous to see Ben Jonson, which being told to Ben, he went to my lord’s house; but being in a very tattered condition, as poets sometimes are, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need of nobody to speak for him, said, he understood his lordship desired to see him. You, friend? said my lord, who are you? Ben Jonson, replied the other. No, no, quoth my lord, you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman; you look as if you could not say Bo to a goose. Bo, cried Ben. Very well, said my lord, who was better pleased at the joke than offended at the affront, I am now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson.

38. A certain fop was boasting in company that he had every sense in perfection. There is one you are quite without, said one who was by, and that is common sense.

39. An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to go to dinner, left these directions written, and put in the key-hole of his chamber door: I am gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me; and if you can’t read this note, carry it down to the stationer’s, and he will read it for you.

40. Old Dennis, who had been the author of many plays, going by a brandy-shop in St. Paul’s Church Yard, the man who kept it came out to him, and desired him to drink a dram. For what reason? said he. Because you are a dramatic poet, answered the other. Well, sir, said the old gentleman, thou art an out-of-the-way fellow, and I will drink a dram with thee: but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it: ’Sdeath, Sir, said the bard, did you not ask me to drink a dram, because I was a dramatic poet? Yes, sir, replied the fellow, but I did not think you had been a dram-o’tick poet.

41. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his, having a desire to drink a glass of wine together, upon the 30th of January, they went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holborn Hill, and finding the door shut, they knocked at it, but it was not opened to them, only one of the drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please to have? Why, open your door, said Daniel, and draw us a pint of wine: the drawer said, his master would not allow of it that day, for it was a fast. Hang your master, replied he, for a precise coxcomb, is he not contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too?

42. The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained they were too short. The drawer said they had no other, and those were but just come in. Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very long.

43. The same gentleman, as he had the character of a great punster, was desired one night in company, by a gentleman, to make a pun extempore. Upon what subject? said Daniel. The King, answered the other. The king, sir, said he, is no subject.

44. G—s E—l, who, though he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid covetousness, told Cibber one night in the green room, that he was going out of town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him. Ah! said Colley, I wish I was a shilling for your sake. Why so? said the other. Because then, cried the laureat, I should be sure you loved me.

45. Lord C—by, coming out of the House of Lords one day, called out, Where’s my fellow? Not in England, said a gentleman who stood by.

46. A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself asked him a question in Latin; the fellow, shaking his head, said, he did not understand him. Why, said the gentleman, did you not say you were a poor scholar? Yes, replied the other, a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin.

47. Several years ago, when Mrs. Rogers the player was young and handsome, Lord North and Grey, remarkable for his homely face, accosting her one night behind the scenes, asked her with a sigh, what was a cure for love? Your Lordship, said she; the best I know in the world.

48. Colonel ——, who made the fine fireworks in St. James’s Square, upon the peace of Ryswick, being in company with some ladies, was highly commending the epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. Purcell’s monument—“He is gone to that place where only his own harmony can be exceeded.” Well, Colonel, said one of the ladies, the same epitaph might serve for you, by altering one word only: “He is gone to that place where only his own fireworks can be exceeded?”

49. Sir B—ch—r W—y, in the beginning of Queen Anne’s reign, and three or four more drunken tories, reeling home from the Fountain Tavern in the Strand, on a Sunday morning, cried out, We are the pillars of the church. No, said a whig, that happened to be in their company, you can be but the buttresses, for you never come on the inside of it.

50. After the fire of London, there was an act of parliament to regulate the buildings of the city; every house was to be three stories high. A Gloucestershire gentleman, a man of great wit and humour, just after this act passed, going along the street, and seeing a little crooked gentlewoman on the other side of the way, ran over to her in great haste; Lord, madam, said he, how dare you to walk the streets thus publicly? Walk the streets! and why not? answered the little woman. Because, said he, you are built directly contrary to act of parliament: you are but two stories high.

51. One Mr. Topham was so very tall and large, that if he was living now, he might be shewn at Yeate’s theatre for a sight. This gentleman going one day to inquire for a countryman a little way out of town, when he came to the house, he looked in at a little window over the door, and asked the woman, who sat by the fire, if her husband was at home? No, Sir, said she, but if you please to alight, and come in, I’ll go and call him.

52. The same gentleman walking across Covent Garden, was asked by a beggar-woman for a halfpenny, or farthing; but finding he would not part with his money, she begged he would give her one of his old shoes. He was very desirous to know what she could do with one shoe. To make my child a cradle, sir, said she.

53. King Charles II. having ordered a new suit of clothes to be made, just at a time when addresses were coming up to him from all parts of the kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the tailor, and ordered him to make a very large pocket on one side of the coat, and one so small on the other, that the king could hardly get his hand into it; which seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he asked the meaning of it; the tailor said, Mr. Killigrew ordered it so. Killigrew being sent for, and interrogated, said, One pocket was for the addresses of his majesty’s subjects, the other for the money they would give him.

54. My Lord B—— had married three wives, who were all his servants; a beggar-woman meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low curtesy. Ah, bless your lordship, said she, and send you a long life; if you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time.

55. Dr. Sadler, who was a very fat man, happening to go thump, thump, through a street in Oxford, where the paviours were at work, in the midst of July, the fellows immediately laid down their rammers. Ah, bless you, master, said one of them, it was very kind of you to come this way; it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot weather.

56. An arch wag, of St. John’s College, asked another of the same College, who was a great sloven, why he would not read a certain author called Go-Clenius.

57. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a non-juror, upon which account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in the beginning of King William’s reign, on a very rainy day, a hackney-coachman called to him, Sir, won’t you please to take coach? it rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no rain [reign] for me to take coach in.

58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cavalier looking upon one of the new pieces, read the inscription on one side, God with us: On the other, The commonwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the commonwealth are on different sides.

59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges, died a day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported everywhere that Cromwell was dead; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance.

60. Mr. Serjeant G——d, being lame of one leg, and pleading before Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the Serjeant, have but a little patience, and I’ll warrant I prove everything as plain as the nose on your face.

61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very tough, said, it put him in mind of an old English poet; being asked who that was, Chau-cer, replied he.

62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Pope’s chapel, painted among the figures in hell that of a certain cardinal, who was his enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first sight: whereupon the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront, and desiring that it might be defaced; You know very well, said the Pope, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell.

63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend’s house, the first thing that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put upon his plate, he found it smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of it; but he laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering with it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his own ear. The gentleman, at whose table he was, inquiring into the meaning, he told him, that he had a brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was asking that fish if he knew anything of him: And what answer made he? said the gentleman. He told me, said he, that he could give no account of him, for he had not been at sea these three weeks.—I would not have any of my readers apply this story as an unfortunate gentleman did who had heard it, and was, the next day, whispering a rump of beef, at a friend’s house.

64. An English gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with shooting; but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little Welch justices, his worship told him, that unless he could produce his qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and he had two little manors. Yes, sir, said the Englishman, everybody may perceive that. Perceive what? cried the Welchman: That you have too little manners, said the other.

65. The Chaplain’s boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship of an errand to another, the two boys were comparing notes about their manner of living: How often, said one, do you go to prayers now? Why, answered the other, in case of a storm, or any other danger: Ay, said the first, there’s some sense in that, but my master makes us pray when there is no more occasion for it than for my leaping overboard.

66. A midshipman, one night, in company with Joe Miller and myself, told us, that being once in great danger at sea, everybody was observed to be upon their knees but one man, who, being called upon to come, with the rest of the hands, to prayers: Not I, said he, it is your business to take care of the ship, I am but a passenger.

67. Three or four roguish scholars walking out one day from the University of Oxford, spied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in a ditch, with an ass by him, loaded with earthen ware, holding the bridle in his hand: says one of the scholars to the rest, If you will assist me, I’ll help you to a little money, for you know we are bare at present. No doubt of it they were not long consenting. Why, then, said he, we’ll go and sell this old fellow’s ass at Abingdon; for you know the fair is to-morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough: therefore do you take the panniers off, and put them upon my back, and that bridle over my head, and then lead you the ass to market, and let me alone with the old man. This being done accordingly, in a little time after, the poor man awaking, was strangely surprised to see his ass thus metamorphosed. Oh! for God’s sake, said the scholar, take this bridle out of my mouth, and this load from my back. Zoons! how came you here? replied the old man. Why, said he, my father, who is a necromancer, upon an idle thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an ass; but now his heart has relented, and I am come to my own shape again, I beg you will let me go home and thank him.—By all means, said the crockery merchant, I do not desire to have any thing to do with conjuration; and so set the scholar at liberty, who went directly to his comrades, that by this time were making merry with the money they had sold the ass for. But the old fellow was forced to go the next day to seek for a new one in the fair; and after having looked on several, his own was shown him for a good one. Oh! said he, what have he and his father quarrelled again already? No, no, I’ll have nothing to say to him.

68. Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that that house had sunk a story. No, friend, said he, I rather believe it is a story raised.

69. The aforesaid house, which is the very last in London, one way, being rebuilt, a gentleman asked another, Who lived in it? His friend told him, Sir Robert Grosvenor. I don’t know, said the first, what estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one; for nobody lives beyond him in the whole town.

70. Two gentlemen disputing about religion, in Button’s Coffee-house, said one of them, I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I’ll hold you five guineas you can’t say the Lord’s Prayer. Done, said the other, and Sir Richard Steele shall hold stakes. The money being deposited, the gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went cleverly through the Creed. Well, said the other, I own I have lost; I did not think he could have done it.

71. A certain author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a passage he found fault with in his poem might be justified, and that he thought it a metaphor: It is such a one, said the doctor, as truly I never met-afore.

72. King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused, saying, such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life. Fear not, said old Harry, if the French king should offer to take away your life, I would revenge you by taking off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my power. But of all those heads, replied the nobleman, there may not be one to fit my shoulders.

73. A parson preaching a tiresome sermon on happiness or bliss; when he had done, a gentleman told him he had forgot one sort of happiness: Happy are they that did not hear your sermon.

74. A country fellow, who was just come to London, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last looked into a scrivener’s, where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold there; but calling to the clerk, Pray, sir, said he, what do you sell here?—Loggerheads, cried the other. Do you? answered the countryman; egad, then you’ve a special trade; for I see you have but one left.

75. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More, He was too much elated by his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, “Honores mutant Mores.” No, my lord, said Sir Thomas, the pun will do much better in English, “Honors change Manners.”

76. A mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient times, being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, got him the statute book, where, finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired, after nine of the clock at night; the poor man read it, frying bacon or causing any bacon to be fried; and accordingly went out the next night upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the carrier’s house, he found the man and his wife both frying of bacon, the husband holding the pan while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to jail without bail or mainprize.

77. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the rehearsal, on a Saturday morning, the time when the actors are usually paid, was asking another, Whether Mr. Wood, the treasurer of the house, had anything to say to them that morning: No, faith, Jemmy, replied the other, I’m afraid there’s no cole—(which is a cant word for money). Then, said Spiller, if there’s no cole we must burn Wood.

78. A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Ludgate Hill, said, he had occasion for a small quantity of very fine lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much she would have for as much as could reach from one of his ears to the other, and measure which way she pleased, either over his head or under his chin. After some words they agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to measure, saying, One of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to make good the bargain; however, I will take this piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all expedition.

79. When Sir Cloudesly Shovel set out on his last expedition, there was a form of prayer composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this unlucky expression, That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet; which occasioned the following lines to be made upon the monument set up for him in Westminster Abbey, he being cast away in that expedition on the rocks called The Bishop and his Clerks:

As Lambeth pray’d, such was the dire event,

Else had we wanted now this monument;

That God unto our fleet would be a rock,

Nor did kind Heaven the wise petition mock:

To what the Metropolitan said then,

The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.

80. A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the late Roger Williams’s, the famous punster and publican, and boasting of the happy genius of his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and fashions, particularly the ruffle, which, he said, was de fine ornament to de hand, and had been followed by all de oder nations. Roger allowed what he said, but observed at the same time, That the English, according to custom, had made a great improvement upon their invention, by adding the shirt to it.

81. A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one Sunday evening, and seeing the parish boys standing in a row upon a bench to be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first place; so the parson, of course beginning with him, asked him, What is your name? Rugged and Tough, answered he; Who gave you that name? said Domine: Why the boys in our alley, replied poor Rugged and Tough.

82. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, answered the courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the honor several times to represent your majesty’s person.

83. A lady’s age happening to be questioned, she affirmed she was but forty, and called upon a gentleman who was in company, for his opinion: Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the right when I say I am but forty? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to dispute it; for I have constantly heard you say so for above these ten years.

84. A Venetian ambassador, going to the court of Rome, passed through Florence, when he went to pay his respects to the Duke of Tuscany. The duke complaining to him of the ambassador the state of Venice had sent him, as a man unworthy of his public character. Your highness, said he, must not wonder at it, for we have many idle pates at Venice. So have we, replied the duke, in Florence; but we do not send them to treat of public affairs.

85. It being proved in a trial at Guildhall, that a man’s name was really Inch, who pretended it was Linch, I see, said the judge, the old proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an L.

86. A certain person came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him that he had brought his reverence a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by the way. Saith the cardinal to him, I’ll tell thee what thou shalt do; go to such a cardinal, and such a one, naming half a dozen, and tell them the same; and so as thy horse, if it had been sound, could have pleased but one, with this lame horse thou shalt please half a dozen.

87. The Emperor Augustus being shown a young Grecian who very much resembled him, asked the young man if his mother had not been at Rome—No, sir, answered the Grecian, but my father has.

88. Cato, the censor, being asked how it came to pass that he had no statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the commonwealth? I had rather, said he, have this question asked, than why I had one.

89. A lady coming into a room hastily with her mantua brushed down a Cremona fiddle that lay on a chair, and broke it; upon which, a gentleman that was present, burst into this exclamation from Virgil:

Mantua, væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!

Ah! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cremona.

90. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his prayers in the church, it happened that a pickpocket, being near him, stole away his watch, who, having ended his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend that his watch was lost while he was at prayers; to which his friend replied, Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had been secure; adding these following lines:

He that a watch will wear, this must he do,

Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too.

91. A lieutenant-colonel to one of the Irish regiments in the French service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick from Fort-Keil to the King of France, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that had happened in the regiment; his majesty, with some emotion of mind, told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his forces besides. Sir, said the officer, all your majesty’s enemies make the same complaint.

92. Mr. G——n, the surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his servant to go home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaister; the patient turning a little pale, Lord, sir, said he, I hope there is no danger? Yes, indeed, is there, answered the surgeon, for if the fellow don’t set up a good pair of heels, the wound will heal before he returns.

93. Not many years ago, a certain temporal peer having, in a most pathetic and elegant speech, exposed the vices and irregularities of the clergy, and vindicated the gentlemen of the army from some imputations unjustly laid upon them: A prelate, irritated at the nature, as well as at the length of the speech, desired to know when the noble lord would leave off preaching? The other answered, The very day he was made a bishop.

94. It chanced that a merchant ship was so violently tossed in a storm at sea, that all, despairing of safety, betook themselves to prayer, saving one mariner, who was ever wishing to see two stars: O! said he, that I could but see two stars, or but one of the two; and of these words he made so frequent repetition, that disturbing the meditations of the rest, at length one asked him what two stars, or what one star he meant? To whom he replied, O! that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman Street, I care not which.

95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happened to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Whichwood, being then attended by one of his brother’s men, the man earnestly entreated him to lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it! How, said the fellow, that is very strange, that you who have made a book of the whole world, cannot find the way out of this little wood.

96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude.

97. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest? Oh! said he, I belong to another parish.

98. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought home a small bird with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah! by my shoul, honey, replied the Irishman, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little thing would have died in the fall.

99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook was dressing some carp, observed some of them move after they were gutted and put into the pan, which very much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of all the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead of any fish.

100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I’ll warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse and swear. Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not tell me it was hard at bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you are not half way to the bottom yet.

101. It was said of one who remembered everything that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory.

102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he was a villain in grain, and deserved to be well threshed.

103. It was said of Henry Duke of Guise, that he was the greatest usurer in all France, for he had turned all his estate into obligations—meaning he had sold and mortgaged his patrimony to make presents to other men.

104. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose country was the best living; said the Welchman, There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner. Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because every man toasted his own cheese.

105. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a great contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for Jervis the painter; and being one day about twenty miles from London, one of his servants told him at dinner, that there was Mr. Jervis come that day into the same town with a coach and four. Ay, said Sir Godfrey, but if his horses draw no better than himself, they will never carry him to town again.

106. A gentleman asked Nanny Rochford why the Whigs, in their mourning for Queen Anne, all wore silk stockings? Because, says she, the Tories were worsted.

107. A counsellor pleading at the bar with spectacles on, who was blind with one eye, said he would produce nothing but what was ad rem. Then, said one of the adverse party, you must take out one glass of your spectacles, which I am sure is of no use.

108. The famous Tom Thynne, who was very remarkable for his good housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the country, a beggar coming up to him cried, He begged his worship would give him a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.

109. It was said of a person, who always ate at other people’s tables, and was a great railer, that he never opened his mouth but to somebody’s cost.

110. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor man’s son, and his father’s house ill thatched, so that the sun came in at many places of it, would himself make a jest of his birth, and say, That he was nato di casa illustre.

111. Diogenes begging, as was the custom among many philosophers, asked a prodigal man for more than any one else; whereupon one said to him, I see your business, that when you find a liberal mind, you will make the most of him. No, said Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again.

112. Dr. Sewel, and two or three more gentlemen, walking towards Hampstead on a summer’s day, were met by the famous Daniel Purcell, who was very importunate with them to know upon what account they were going there. The doctor merrily answering him, To make hay. Very well, replied the other, you will be there at a very convenient season, the country wants rakes.

113. A gentleman speaking of his servant said, I believe I command more than any man; for before my servant will obey me in one thing, I must command him ten times over.

114. A poor fellow who was carrying to execution, had a reprieve just as he came to the gallows, and was carried back by a sheriff’s officer, who told him he was a happy fellow, and asked him if he knew nothing of the reprieve beforehand? No, replied the fellow, nor thought any more of it than I did of my dying day.

115. A countryman admiring the stately fabric of St. Paul’s, asked, whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond sea?

116. Fabricius, the Roman consul, showed a great nobleness of mind, when the physician of King Pyrrhus made him a proposal to poison his master, by sending the physician back to Pyrrhus, with these memorable words; Learn, O king, to make better choice both of thy friends and of thy foes.

117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar of the wounds he had received in his face. Cæsar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back.

118. The Trojans sending ambassadors to condole with Tiberius, upon the death of his father-in-law, Augustus, it was so long after, that the emperor hardly thought it a compliment; but told them he was likewise sorry that they had lost so valiant a knight as Hector [slain above a thousand years before].

119. Cato Major used to say, That wise men learnt more from fools, than fools from wise men.

120. A braggadocio chancing, upon an occasion, to run away full speed, was asked by one, What was become of that courage he used so much to talk of? It is got, said he, all into my heels.

121. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of poets? Why, said he, I think them the very best writers next to those who write in prose.

122. A profligate young nobleman, being in company with some sober people, desired leave to toast the devil. The gentleman, who sat next to him, said, He had no objection to any of his lordship’s friends.

123. A Scotsman was very angry with an English gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him, false Scot. Indeed, said the Englishman, I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot.

124. The late Commissary-General G—ley, who once kept a glass-shop, having Colonel P—c—k’s regiment under a muster, made great complaints of the men’s appearance, &c., and said that the regiment ought to be broke. Then, sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a regiment is as soon broke as a looking-glass.

125. Curll, the bookseller, being under examination at the bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the posthumous works of the late Duke of Buckingham, without leave of the family, told their Lordships in his defence, That if the duke was living, he was sure he would readily pardon the offence.

126. Mr. E—ll—s, the painter, having finished a very good picture of Figg, the prize-fighter, who had been famous in getting the better of several Irishmen of the same profession, the piece was shown to old Johnson the player, who was told at the same time, that Mr. E—ll—s designed to have a mezzotinto print taken from it, but wanted a motto to be put under it. Then, said old Johnson, I’ll give you one: A Fig for the Irish.

127. A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and seeing the ostler expert and tractable about the horses, asked how long he had lived there, and what countryman he was? I’se Yorkshire, said the fellow, and ha’ lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentleman, that, in so long a time, so clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be master of the inn yourself. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister’s Yorkshire too.

128. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill life and character, told a certain nobleman, that if such a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000l. for one. The nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in his life. Why so? said the honest Colonel. Because, answered the lord, you would forfeit it again in less than a week.

129. A seedy, poor, half-pay captain, who was much given to blabbing everything he heard, was told, There was but one secret in the world he could keep, and that was, where he lodged.

130. Jack M—n going one day into the apartments in St. James’s, found a lady of his acquaintance sitting in one of the windows, who very courteously asked him to sit down by her, telling him there was a place. No, madam, said he, I do not come to court for a place. If the gentle reader should have a desire to repeat this story, let him not make the same blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish lord did, who made the lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room.

131. A certain lady of quality sending her Irish footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take coach if it rained, for fear of wetting them: but a great shower of rain falling, the fellow returned with the stays dropping wet; and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered to do, he said, he had obeyed her orders. How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet, if you took them into the coach with you? No, replied Teague, I knew my place better, I did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.

132. Tom Warner, the late publisher of newspapers and pamphlets, being very near his end, a gentlewoman in the neighbourhood sending her maid to inquire how he did? he bid the girl tell her mistress, That he hoped he was going to the new Jerusalem. Ay, dear sir, said she, I dare say the air of Islington would do you more good.

133. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a physician who had renounced the Protestant religion, and embraced the Popish communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The king, hearing of it, told the deputies, he advised them to change their religion too; for it is a dangerous symptom, said he, that your religion is not long lived, when a physician has given it over.

134. Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler, they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow that they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. Well, said the ostler, and I can prove your saddle to be a mule. A mule! cried one of them, how can that be? Because, said the ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass.

135. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an inn to lodge, when the host, perceiving him a close-fisted cur, having called for nothing but a pint of beer and a pennyworth of bread, to eat with a salad he gathered by the way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemed to pay him an extraordinary respect, laid him a clean cloth for supper, and complimented him with the best bed in the house. In the morning he set a good salad before him, with cold meat, butter, &c., which provoked the monsieur to the generosity of calling for half-a-pint of wine; then coming to pay, the host gave him a bill, which, for the best bed, wine, salad, and other appurtenances, he had enhanced to the value of twenty shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman, twenty shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for the host, with a great deal of tavern elocution, made him sensible nothing could be abated. The monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy but patience, seemed to pay it cheerfully. After which, he told the host, that his house being extremely troubled with rats, he could give him a receipt to drive them away, so as they should never return again. The host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome guests, who were every day doing him one mischief or another, at length concluded to give monsieur twenty shillings for a receipt: which done, Big-gar, says the monsieur, you make a de rat one such bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your house again, me will be hang.

136. A Westminster justice taking coach in the city, and being set down at Youngman’s Coffee-house, Charing Cross, the driver demanded eighteenpence as his fare, the justice asked him if he would swear the ground came to the money. The man said, He would take his oath on’t. The justice replied, Friend, I’m a magistrate; and pulling the book out of his pocket, administered the oath, and then gave the fellow sixpence, saying, he must reserve the shilling to himself for the affidavit.

137. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and asking what the matter was, he was told, That three or four members of parliament were overturned in that coach. Oh! says he, there let them lie; my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs.

138. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent critic, was answered, That indeed his writings were much to be valued; for that by his criticism, he taught men how to write well; and by his poetry showed them what it was to write ill; so that the world was sure to edify by him.

139. One going to see a friend who had lain a considerable time in the Marshalsea prison, in a starving condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable case, to go to sea; which not agreeing with his high spirit, I thank you for your advice, replied the prisoner, but if I go to sea, I’m resolved it shall be upon good ground.

140. A drunken fellow carrying his wife’s bible to pawn for a quartern of gin, to an ale-house, the man of the house refused to take it. What, said the fellow, will neither my word nor the word of God pass with you?

141. A certain Justice of the Peace not far from Clerkenwell, in the first year of King George the First, when his clerk was reading a mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, he cried out with some warmth, And why not Georgio Domini? sure, you forget yourself strangely.

142. A certain nobleman, a courtier, in the beginning of the late reign, coming out of the House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Buckingham, with, How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times? To which his grace replied, I never go into my kitchen, but I dare say the scum is uppermost.

143. The Lord North and Grey being once at an assembly at the Theatre Royal in the Haymarket, was pleased to tell Mr. Heidigger, he would make him a present of 100l., if he could produce an uglier face in the whole kingdom, than his, the said Heidigger’s, within a year and a day. Mr. Heidigger went instantly and fetched a looking-glass, and presented it to his lordship, saying, He did not doubt but that his lordship had honour enough to keep his promise.

144. A person who had an unmeasurable stomach, coming to a cook-shop to dine, said, it was not his way to have his meat cut, but to pay 8d. for his ordinary; which the cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and so set a shoulder of mutton before him of a half-crown price, to cut where he pleased; with which he so played the cormorant, that he devoured all but the bone, paid his ordinary and trooped off. The next time he came, the cook casting a sheep’s-eye at him, desired him to agree for his victual, for he’d have no more ordinaries. Why? says he, I am sure I paid you an ordinary price.

145. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham (Villiers) once said in a melancholy humour, he was afraid he should die a beggar, which was the most terrible thing in the world; upon which a friend of his grace replied, No, my lord, there is a more terrible thing than that, and which you have reason to fear, and that is, that you will live a beggar.

146. The same noble Duke, another time, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to prevent the ruin of his estate? Live as I do, my lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when I am ruined.

147. At another time a person who had long been a dependant on His Grace, begged his interest for him at court; and to press the thing more home upon the duke, said, he had nobody to depend upon but God and His Grace. Then, said the duke, you are in a miserable way; for you could not have pitched upon any two persons who have less interest at court.

148. The old Lord Strangford taking a bottle with the parson of the parish, was commending his own wine: Here, doctor, said he, I can send a couple of ho-ho-hounds to Fra-Fra-France (for his lordship had a great impediment in his speech) and have a ho-ho-hogs-head of this wine for them: What do you say to that, doctor? Why, replied he, I say, that your lordship has your wine dog cheap.

149. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious memory, having borrowed on note five pounds, and failing the payment, the gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took occasion to talk of it in the public coffee-house, which obliged Jack to take notice of it, so that it came to a challenge. Being got into the field, the gentleman, a little tender in point of courage, offered him the note to make the matter up, to which our hero consented readily, and had the note delivered. But now, said the gentleman, if we should return without fighting, our companions will laugh at us; therefore, let’s give one another a slight scar, and say we wounded one another. With all my heart, says Jack; come, I’ll wound you first; so drawing his sword, he whipt it through the fleshy part of his antagonist’s arm, till he brought the very tears in his eyes. This being done, and the wound tied up with a handkerchief: Come, said the gentleman, where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting posture, cried, Where you can, good sir. Well, well, said the other, I can swear I received this wound of you; and so marched off contentedly.

150. A traveller coming into an inn once, on a very cold night, stood so near the fire that he burned his boots. An arch rogue that sat in the chimney corner, called out to him, Sir, you’ll burn your spurs presently. My boots you mean, I suppose? No, sir, said he, they are burned already.

151. In eighty-eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple Bar along Fleet Street, on some procession, the lawyers were ranged on one side of the way, and the citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a student, to a lawyer that stood next to him, Do but observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in law.

152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a tavern, the cook, instead of a pudding, had crammed the belly full of thyme, but had not above half roasted the hare, the legs being almost raw; which one of the company observing, said, There was too much thyme (time) in the belly, and too little in the legs.

153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen cried to the other, Come, Hodge, let’s be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about business.

154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, called to him with an insolent air, Well, honest fellow, said one of them, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To which the countryman replied, ’Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp.

155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the guards in Flanders, had everything in common between them. One of them being an extravagant fellow, and unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would at night frequently pick his pocket to the last stiver; to prevent which, he bethought himself of a stratagem; and coming among his companions the next day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how? said they. Why, replied he, I hid my money in his own pocket last night, and I was sure he would never look for it there.

156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a captain in the marines, was quartered at a village where he buried a pretty many of his men; at length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment unless he was paid for it; which being told Captain Rook, he ordered six men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson’s hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, that he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.

157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun; and as he was one day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said he, for all your great pains and charity, I don’t take this to be the highway to heaven. Very true, replied the doctor, for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your lordship here.

158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innumerable parcel of miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. Alban’s there was a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that saint, and that ever since, if a swine should drink out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the next day to St. Alban’s, where they found themselves miserably deceived. On their return, they upbraided the person with telling them so monstrous a story. Look you there now, said he, you told me a hundred lies t’other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you: I told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.

159. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one day at the fruitfulness of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in overnight, it would be so covered with grass that it should be difficult to find it the next day. Splut, said the Welchman, what’s that? There’s a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse in overnight, and not be able to find him next morning.

160. A country fellow in Charles the Second’s time, selling his load of hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue Posts, were talking of affairs; one said, that things did not go right, the king had been at the house and prorogued the parliament. The countryman coming home, was asked, What news in London? Odd’s heart, said he, there’s something to do there, the king has, it seems, berogued the parliament sadly.

161. A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem more afraid now than before! Ay, replied he, most men are more afraid of a living wife than of a dead one.

162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship’s gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was drowned; being soon after taken up, the coroner’s jury was summoned to sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning home, was called to by an alderman of the town, and asked, what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it felo de se? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough.

163. One losing a bag of money of about 50l. between the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, offering 10l. reward to those who took it up, and should return it; upon which the person that had it, came and writ underneath to the following effect: Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my loss.

164. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word; the other mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.

165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sailors got their money like horses, and spent it like asses. The following story is somewhat an instance of it; one sailor coming to see another on pay-day, desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting its head in, put him out, and he began to tell again; but then an impertinent crown-piece was as officious as his half brother had been, and again interrupted the tale; so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried, Here, Jack, give me a handful when your ship’s paid; what signifies counting it?

166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one? Oh, dear, says one of the company, poor fellow, he died insolvent, and was buried by the parish. Died insolvent! cries another, that’s a lie, for he died in England: I am sure, I was at his burying.

167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor of his, neglected to make the least use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, says he, ne’er trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine o’ fire.

168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very wild spark, that had run through a plentiful fortune, and was reduced to some straits, was innocently saying to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How can that be? replied he, when we make so many every day.

169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass; and driving just up to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was writ over the person’s head? They told him, it was a paper to signify his crime, that he stood for forgery. Ay! said he, What is forgery? They answered him, That forgery was counterfeiting another’s hand, with intent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, looking up at the offender, Oh, this comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog.

170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower, declared for his highness, and the two others would not come into measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at the Tower, and five of them proved to be prince’s metal.

171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a serjeant on a march, he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner coming out, raved extremely that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant, Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end of the halbert? So I would, said he, if he had run at me with his tail.

172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord Rochester and others of the nobility, who had been drinking best part of the night, Killigrew came in. Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, faith, says Killigrew, I don’t care to trouble my head with that which all the town talks of.

173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying on her death-bed, desired her husband, That as she had brought him a fortune, she might have liberty to make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her relations. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all your lifetime, and now I will have mine.

174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was pleading at the bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual way, called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the leather doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly replied, Faith, sir, if you have no more for lying than I have for swearing, you may go in a leather doublet too.

175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told an old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard. Does your lordship, replied the old man, measure consciences by beards? If so, your lordship has no beard at all.

176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature, fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his horse understood painting better than himself.

177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, gave one another very scurvy language; at length, those dreadful messengers of anger, the bottles and glasses, flew about like hail shot; one of which mistaking its errand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person’s head it was thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, who cried, D’ye call, gentlemen? Call gentlemen, said one of the standers by, no, they don’t call gentlemen, but they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as they can.

178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable resolution, said to his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s bent upon it.

179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney-coach once, pretty near his lodgings; and being got on his legs again, he said, ’Twas the greatest piece of providence that ever befell him, for it had saved him the trouble of bilking the coachman.

180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a garden in common, with a common gate: Sir Godfrey upon some occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he would take that, or anything else, from his good friend Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic.

181. A certain worthy gentleman having among his friends the nickname of Bos, which was a kind of contraction of his real name; when his late majesty conferred the honour of a peerage upon him, a pamphlet was soon after published, with many sarcastical jokes upon him, and had this part of a line from Horace as a motto, viz., “Optat epipipa Bos.” My lord asked a friend who could read Latin, What that meant? It is as much as to say, my lord, said he, that you become honours as a sow does a saddle. Oh! very fine! said my lord. Soon after, another friend coming to see him, the pamphlet was again spoken of. I would, says my lord, give five hundred pounds to know the author of it. I don’t know the author of the pamphlet, said his friend, but I know who wrote the motto. Ay, cried my lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other. How, replied his lordship, a dirty dog, is that the return he makes for all the services I have done him and his brother?

182. In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who was a great courtier, said, His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a cur. To which the other replied, That fawning was the property of a cur as well as barking.

183. Second thoughts, we commonly say, are best, and young women, who pretend to be averse to marriage, desire not to be taken at their words. One asking a girl, If she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but you may have me, if you will.

184. A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to his coachman, who had been an old servant, and said, Ah, Tom, I am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me. Oh, dear sir, replied the fellow, (he having been but an indifferent master to him,) ne’er let that discourage you, for it is all down hill.

185. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in a bye lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the parson with an erected crest, told him he was better fed than taught. Very true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, and I feed myself.

186. One making a furious assault upon a hot apple pie, burned his mouth until the tears ran down, his friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, said he, because it is just come into my mind, that my grandmother died this day twelvemonth. Phoo, said the other, is that all? so whipping a large piece into his mouth, he quickly sympathized with his companion; who seeing his eyes brim full, with a malicious sneer, asked him why he wept? Because you were not hanged the same day your grandmother died.

187. A lady who had married a gentleman that was a tolerable poet, one day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my dear, you write upon other people, prithee write something for me; let me see what epitaph you’ll bestow upon me when I die. Oh, my dear, replied he, that’s a melancholy subject, prithee don’t think of it. Nay, upon my life you shall, adds she. Come, I’ll begin—

Here lies Bid-

To which he answered,

Ah! I wish she did.

188. A cowardly servant having been hunting with his lord, they had killed a wild boar; the fellow seeing the boar stir, betook himself to a tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him What he was afraid of? the boar’s guts are out. No matter for that, said he, his teeth are in.

189. One telling another that he had once so excellent a gun, that it went off immediately upon a thief’s coming into the house, although it was not charged. How the devil can that be? said the other. Because, said the first, the thief carried it off; and what was worse, before I had time to charge him with it.

190. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link-boy cried, Have a light, gentlemen? Light yourself to the devil, you dog, said one of the company. Bless you, master, replied the boy, we can find the way in the dark; shall we light your worship thither?

191. A person was once tried at Kingston before the late Lord Chief Justice Holt, for having two wives, where one Unit was to have been the chief evidence against him. After much calling for him, word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. No! says his lordship, why then, all I can say is, Mr. Unit stands for a cipher.

192. It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to be agreeably surprised with the confession of love from an adored mistress. A young gentleman, after a very great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told her, he was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To which she replied, I am glad of it, with all my heart. Are you so, madam? adds he, suspecting her constancy: Pray, why so? Because, said she, I can furnish you with five thousand.

193. On a public night of rejoicing, when bonfires and illuminations were made, some honest fellows were drinking the king’s health, and prosperity to England as long as the sun and moon endured. Ay, says one, and 500 years after, for I have put both my sons apprentices to a tallow-chandler.

194. A young fellow having made an end of all he had, even to his last suit of clothes, one said to him, Now, I hope, you’ll own yourself a happy man, for you have made an end of all your cares. How so? said the gentleman. Because, said the other, you have nothing left to take care of.

195. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance at court, he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric, to a rich English one, a reverend Dean of the church said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with an f.

196. Some years ago, when his majesty used to hunt frequently in Richmond Park, it brought such crowds of people thither, that orders were given to admit none, when the king was there himself, but the servants of his household. A fat country parson having on one of these days a great inclination to make one of the company, Captain B—d—ns promised to introduce him; but coming to the gate, the keepers would have stopped him, by telling him that none but the household were to be admitted. Why, said the captain, don’t you know the gentleman? He’s his majesty’s hunting chaplain. Upon which, the keepers asked pardon, and left the reverend gentleman to his recreation.

197. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, serjeant-surgeon to Queen Anne, being very severe upon parsons having pluralities, a reverend and worthy divine heard him a good while with patience, but at length took him up with this question: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Barnard, rail thus at pluralities, who have always so many fine cures upon your hands?

198. A worthy old gentleman in the country having employed an attorney, of whom he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law business for him in London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming to town, and demanding his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three times the sum he expected; the honest attorney assured him, that there was no article in his bill, but what was fair and reasonable. Nay, said the country gentleman, there’s one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three shillings and fourpence for going to Southwark, when none of my business lay that way; pray, what is the meaning of that, sir? Oh, sir, said he, that was for fetching the chine and turkey from the carrier’s that you sent me for a present out of the country.

199. A gentleman going into a meeting-house, and stumbling over one of the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, Who expected set forms in a meeting-house?

200. My Lord Chief Justice Jeffries had a cause before him between a Jew that was plaintiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter pleaded, though the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of England, to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no other plea? No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. Do you? said my lord, then let me tell you, you are the greater Jew of the two.

201. A butcher in Smithfield, that lay on his death-bed, said to his wife, My dear, I am not a man for this world, therefore I advise you to marry our man John. Oh, dear husband, said she, if that’s all, never let it trouble you, for John and I have agreed that matter already.

202. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, desired his landlord to sup with him. The host came up, and thinking to pay a greater compliment than ordinary to his guest, pretended to find fault with the laying the cloth, and took the plates and knives, and threw them down stairs. The gentleman resolving not to balk his humour, threw the bottles and glasses down also; at which the host being surprised, inquired the reason of his so doing. Nay, nothing, replied the gentleman; but when I saw you throw the plates and knives down stairs, I thought you had a mind to sup below.

203. A philosopher carrying something hid under his cloak, an impertinent person asked him what he had under his cloak? To which the philosopher answered, I carry it there that you might not know.

204. When his late majesty, in coming from Holland, happened to meet with a violent storm at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the chaplain, In five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord. The Lord forbid, answered the doctor.

205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, would oftentimes talk so extravagantly of the wonderful things he had seen abroad, that a friend of his took notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to all companies, and asked him the meaning of it? Why, says the traveller, I have got such a habit of lying since I have been abroad, that I really hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time when I am likely to give myself too much liberty that way. His friend promised he would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things, giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had asked, How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet. Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh; Zounds, said he, if you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was long.

206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding between London and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him, Do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got? I’ll banter him a little. Doctor, said he, you don’t follow the example of your great master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass. Why really, sir, replied the parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he had a mind to.

207. The Duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in King Charles the Second’s time, asked Bishop Wilkins, How she could get up to the world in the moon, which he had discovered; for as the journey must needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it, without resting on the way? Oh, madam, said the bishop, your grace has built so many castles in the air, that you can never want a place to bait at.

208. A rich farmer’s son, who had been bred at the University, coming home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could prove those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man. Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two; two and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out so well, answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning.

209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was called upon by his counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. And why, said the gentleman, is not my answer put in? How should I draw your answer, cried the lawyer, ’till I know what you can swear? Pshaw, replied the client, prithee do your part as a lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear to it.

210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head going to market, was reckoning all the way, what she might make of it. This milk, said she, will bring me so much money, that money will buy so many eggs, those eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox’s leave, those chickens will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig may grow a fat hog, and when I have sold that, I may buy a cow and calf: and then, says she, comes a sweetheart, perhaps a farmer; him I marry, and my neighbours will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one? and I’ll answer, Thank you, neighbour, how do you? But maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one? I’ll say, Thank you. Oh! but suppose I should marry a gentleman; then they’ll say, Your servant, madam, but then I’ll toss up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden transport of this thought, and with the motion of her head, down came the milk, which put an end at once to her fine scheme of her eggs, her chickens, her pig, her hog, and her husband.

211. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a friend of his, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him. Then, said his friend, you know him by sight? Yes, replied Daniel, I think I know him, but I can’t swear to him.

212. An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and finding a large dish of soup with about half-a-pound of mutton in the middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat; at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he was going to do? Why, monsieur, I mean to strip, that I may swim through this ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton.

213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James’s gate one day, which being dull and restive, he was forced to beat it very much; a gentleman coming out of the gate, chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly; Oh dear, sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a friend at court.

214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear honey, answered the other, poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in prison.

215. Another Irishman, getting on a high-mettled horse, it ran away with him; upon which, one of his companions called to him to stop him: Arrah, honey, cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no spurs?

216. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol, where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his expenses, about twelve shillings; and with this prodigious sum of money, returning into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the town: Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or two more of hur countrymen were to give hur such another shake as hur has done, it would be poor Pristow indeed.

217. It being asked in company with my Lord C—d, whether the piers of Westminster bridge would be of stone or wood, Oh, said my lord, of stone to be sure, for we have too many wooden piers (peers) already at Westminster.

218. One telling Charles XII. of Sweden, just before the battle of Narva, that the enemy was three to one; I am glad to hear it, answered the king, for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and enough to run away.

219. A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Oxford, not having wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were very bad, got them capped at the toes, upon which being bantered by some of his companions, Why should they not be capped, said he, I am sure they are Fellows.

220. The standers-by, to comfort a poor man, who lay on his death-bed, told him, he should be carried to church by four very proper fellows: I thank ye, said he, but I had much rather go by myself.

221. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his punning customers being at his burial, and looking on the grave, cried out, This is a more lasting Button hole, than any made by a tailor.

222. A toping fellow was one night making his will over his bottle: I will give, said he, fifty pounds to five taverns, to drink to my memory when I am dead; ten pounds to the Salutation for courtiers; ten pounds to the Castle for soldiers; ten pounds to the Mitre for parsons; ten pounds to the Horn for citizens; and ten pounds to the Devil for the lawyers.

223. A gentleman calling for small beer at another gentleman’s table, finding it very hard, gave it the servant again without drinking. What, said the master of the house, don’t you like the beer? It is not to be found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of the dead.

224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at the same time a chaplain who was a tolerable poet, my lord desired him to write him a copy of verses on a shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your lordship should want a copy, who have so good an original.

225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury, and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can be little better than felo de se.

226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least.

227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I don’t care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law. Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don’t consider.

228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an excellent fellow in his way: That’s impossible, said the other, for I hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every body’s debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a liver can die well?

229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.

230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly, Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never have retaken it.

231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly there is no profit to be had from it any other way.

232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us? where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so, said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a hobnail before, replied he.

233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money. Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was.

234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one night at the tavern, called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, said he, take away this bottle full of emptiness. Said one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your own head?

235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal country ’squire, who had a good estate, and spent but little of it, said, among other things, I’ll warrant you that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather’s. Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather’s lands too.

236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter’s servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him drink. Make you drink? says the gentleman, there’s a pickle herring for you, and if that won’t make you drink I’ll give you another.

237. Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a moor, who had been his captive a long time, to Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to purchase horses, and to return by such a time. There was about the king a buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, wherein he used to register any remarkable absurdity that happened at court. The day the moor was dispatched to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at supper, the king called for his table-book, in which the jester kept a regular journal of absurdities. The king took the book, and read, how Alphonso, king of Naples, had sent Beltram the moor, who had been a long time his prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so many thousand crowns to buy horses. The king turned to the jester, and asked, why he inserted that? Because, said he, I think he will never come back to be a prisoner again; and so you have lost both man and money. But, if he does come, says the king, then your jest is marred: No, sir, replies the buffoon, for if he should return, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a fool.

238. A sharper of the town seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, Do you smoke, sir? Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon me.

239. A certain country farmer was observed never to be in a good humour when he was hungry; for this reason, his wife was fain carefully to watch the time of his coming home, and always have dinner ready on the table; one day he surprised her, and she had only time to set a mess of broth ready for him, who, soon, according to custom, began to open his pipes, and maundering over his broth, forgetting what he was about, burnt his mouth to some purpose. The good wife seeing him in that sputtering condition, comforted him as follows: See what it is now, had you kept your breath to cool your pottage, you had not burnt your mouth, John.

240. The same woman taking up dinner once on a Sunday, it happened that the lickerish plough-boy, who lay under a strong and violent temptation, pinched off the corner of a plum dumpling; which his dame espying, in a great rage, laid the wooden ladle over his pate, saying, Can’t you stay, sirrah, till your betters are served before you? The boy clapping his hand on his head, and seeing the blood come, ’tis very hard, said he. So it is, sirrah, said she, or it had not broke my ladle.

241. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names were Moore, Strange, and Wright: said the last, There is but one knave in company, and that is Strange: Yes, answered Strange, there is one Moore: Ay, said Moore, that’s Wright.

242. A Scotch bagpiper travelling in Ireland, opened his wallet by a wood side, and sat down to dinner; no sooner had he said grace, but three wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat, till his provender was all gone—At length he took up his bagpipes, and began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The deel faw me, said Sawney, an I had kenned you loved music so, you should have had it before dinner.

243. Metullus Nepos, asking Cicero, the Roman orator, in a scoffing manner, Who was his father? Cicero replied, Thy mother has made that question harder for thee to answer.

244. The archduke of Austria having been forced to raise the siege of a town called Grave, in Holland, and to retreat privately in the night; Queen Elizabeth said to his secretary here,—What, your master is risen from the grave without sound of trumpet.

245. Soon after the death of a great officer, who was judged to have been no great advancer of the king’s affairs, the king said to his solicitor Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord: Now, Bacon, tell me truly, what say you of your cousin? Mr. Bacon answered, Since your Majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly with you, and give you such a character of him, as though I was to write his history. I do think he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs better, yet he was fit to have kept them from growing worse. On my soul, quoth the king, in the first thou speakest like a true man; and in the latter like a kinsman.

246. The same king in one of his progresses asked, How far it was to such a town? They told him six miles and a half. He alighted out of his coach, and went under the shoulder of one of the led horses. When some asked his majesty what he meant? I must stalk, says he, for yonder town is shy, and flies me.

247. Lawyers and chambermaids, said a wicked young fellow, are like Balaam’s ass, they never speak unless they see an angel.

248. One being at his wife’s funeral, and the bearers going pretty quick along, he cried out to them, Don’t go so fast, what need we make a toil of pleasure?

249. A country ’squire being in company with his mistress, and wanting his servant, cried out, Where is the blockhead? Upon your shoulders, said the lady.

250. A philosopher being asked, why learned men frequented rich men’s houses, but rich men seldom visited the learned, answered, That the first know what they want, but the latter do not.

251. Among the articles exhibited to King Henry by the Irish, against the Earl of Kildare, the last concluded thus:—And finally all Ireland cannot rule the earl. Then said the king, The earl shall rule all Ireland: and so made him deputy.

252. Plutarch used to say that men of small capacities put into great places, like statues set upon great pillars, are made to appear the less by their advancement.

253. A young fellow being told that his mistress was married; to convince him of it, the young gentleman who told him, said, he had seen the bride and bridegroom. Prithee, said the forsaken swain, do not call them by those names; I cannot bear it. Shall I call them dog and cat? answered the other. Oh, no, for heaven’s sake, replied the first, that sounds ten times more like man and wife.

254. A sea officer, who for his courage in a former engagement, where he had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good ship; in the heat of the next engagement, a cannon-ball took off his wooden deputy, so that he fell upon the deck: A seaman thinking he had been fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. No, no, said the captain, the carpenter will do this time.

255. A gentleman saying he had bought the stockings he had on in Wales. Really, sir, answered another, I thought so, for they seemed to be Well-chose, i. e. Welch hose.

256. A nobleman, in a certain king’s reign, being appointed groom of the stole, his majesty took notice to him of the odd sort of perukes he used to wear, and desired that he would now get something that was graver, and more suitable to his age, and the high office he had conferred on him. The next Sunday his lordship appeared at court in a very decent peruke, which being observed by another nobleman, famous for the art of punning, he came up to him, and told him, That he was obliged to alter his locks now he had got the key.[B]

[B] The groom of the stole wears a gold key, tied with a blue ribbon, at his left pocket.

257. A gentleman named Ball being about to purchase a cornetcy in a regiment of horse, was presented to the colonel for approbation, who being a nobleman, declared he did not like the name, and would have no Balls in his regiment: Nor powder neither, said the gentleman, if your lordship could help it.

258. Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were confoundedly tired and fatigued with their journey; and the more so, when they were told they had still about ten miles to London. By my soul and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five miles apiece, let’s e’en walk on.

259. Mr. Pope, being at dinner with a noble duke, had his own servant in livery waiting on him: The duke asked him, Why he, that eat mostly at other people’s tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in livery only to laugh at him? ’Tis true, answered the poet, he kept but one to laugh at him; but his grace had the honour to keep a dozen.

260. An Irish fellow, vaunting of his birth and family, affirmed, That when he came first to England, he made such a figure, that the bells rang through all the towns he passed to London: Ay, said a gentleman in company, I suppose that was because you came up in a waggon with a bell-team.

261. One meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him, Where he lived? Where do I live—said he, I don’t know; but I starve down towards Wapping and that way.

262. Two country attornies overtaking a waggoner on the road, and thinking to break a joke upon him, asked him, Why his fore-horse was so fat and the rest so lean? The waggoner knowing them to be limbs of the law, answered them, That his fore-horse was his lawyer and the rest were his clients.

263. At a cause tried at the King’s Bench bar, a witness was produced who had a very red nose, and one of the counsel, a good impudent fellow, being desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was sworn—Well, let’s hear what you have to say with your copper nose. Why, sir, said he, by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen face.

264. A gentleman having received some abuse, in passing through one of the Inns of Chancery, from some of the impudent clerks, he was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did accordingly; and coming before him, accosted him in the following manner: I have been grossly abused here by some of the rascals of this house, and understanding you are the principal, I am come to acquaint you with it.

265. An old roundhead in Oliver’s time, complaining of some heavy rain that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, What unreasonable fellows you roundheads are, who will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the king reigns.

266. A young curate, with more pertness than wit or learning, being asked in company, How he came to take it into his head to enter into the ministry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That may be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read the Lord had once need of an ass.

267. A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, going into a bookseller’s shop with a relation, who went thither to buy something he wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, asked him, What there was in that book that made him smile? Why, answered the other, this book is dedicated to you, cousin Jack. Is it so? said he, pray let me see it, for I never knew before that I had had such an honour done me: upon which, taking it into his hands, he found it to be Perkin’s Catechism, dedicated to all ignorant persons.

268. There was a short time when Mr. Handel, notwithstanding his merit, was deserted, and his opera at the Hay-Market neglected almost by everybody but his Majesty, for that of Porpora at Lincoln’s-Inn-Fields; at this time another nobleman asking the earl of C——d if he would go one night to the opera? My lord asked, Which? Oh, to that in the Hay-Market, answered the other. No, my lord, said the earl, I have no occasion for a private audience of his majesty to-night.

269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, by the way they warned a novice amongst them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling their game: but he no sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, Ecce conniculi multi. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed into their burrows; upon which his fellows chiding him—Who, said he, would have thought that the conies understood Latin?

270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when being reproved for it by some of his friends; Why, said he, I am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?

271. An old lady meeting a Cambridge man, asked him, How her nephew behaved himself? Truly, madam, says he, he’s a brave fellow, and sticks close to Catherine Hall—[name of a college]. I vow, said she, I feared as much, he was always hankering after the girls from a boy.

272. A gentleman being arrested for a pretty large sum of money, sent to an acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him, to beg he would bail him; the other told him, that he had promised never to be bail for anybody; but with much kindness said, I’ll tell you what you may do, you may get somebody else if you can.

273. When king Charles the First was in great anxiety about signing the warrant for the Earl of Strafford’s execution, saying, it was next to death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject; a certain favorite of the king’s standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by telling him, that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his crutch than his leg.

274. Some rattling young fellows from London putting into a country inn, seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there; said one of them, You shall see me dumb-found that countryman. So coming up to him, he gave his hat a twirl round, saying, there’s half a crown for you, countryman. The former, after recovering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken towel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs on the shoulder, saying, I thank you for your kindness, friend, there’s two shillings of your money again.

275. One of the aforesaid rattling blades having been once a little kicked for his impertinence, demanded of his benefactor with a bluff face, Whether he was in earnest, or not? Yes, faith, said the other, in very good earnest, laying his hand on his sword. Say you so? replied he, I am glad of that with all my heart, for I don’t like such jests.

276. A merchant in London, having bought a pretty estate in Surrey, and afterwards two or three more fields adjoining to it, a person speaking of his purchase to a friend, said, he did not think Mr. Such-a-one had been in circumstances to make so large a purchase. O dear! said the other, you don’t know how considerable a man he is; why, since he bought that estate in Surrey, he has bought Moor-fields. That must be a great purchase, indeed, replied the other.

277. The old earl of B——d, one of the most facetious men of his time, being once in waiting at court, made an excuse one morning to leave the king, assuring his majesty he would be back to wait on him before 12 o’clock, there being great occasion for his attendance. The king had inquired for him several times, his lordship having exceeded his time: at length he came, and going to the clock in the drawing-room, heard it strike one; at which, being a little enraged, he up with his cane and broke the glass of the clock. The king asked him afterwards, What made him break the clock? I am sure, says my lord, your majesty won’t be angry when you hear. Prithee, said the king, what was it? Why blood, my liege, the clock struck first.

278. A person having been put to great shifts to get money to support his credit; some of his creditors at length sent him word, that they would give him trouble. Pshaw! said he, I have had trouble enough to borrow the money, and had not need be troubled to pay it again.

279. Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her garden, who had not felt the effect of her favours so soon as he expected, looking out of her window, said to him in Italian, What does a man think of, Sir Edward, when he thinks of nothing? After a little pause, he answered, He thinks, madam, of a woman’s promise. The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard to say, Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute you: anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.

280. A lady whose beauty was very much upon the decline, having sent her picture to a gentleman that was to come a wooing to her, bid her chambermaid, when she was coming to dress her, take care in repairing her decays a little, or she should not look like her picture. I warrant you, madam, says she, laying on the Bavarian red, a little art once made your picture like you, now a little of the same art shall make you like your picture; your picture must sit to you.

281. A termagant sempstress coming to dun a young fellow at his lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to have his landlady hear; she began to open her quail pipes at a great rate, but was presently seized with a fit of coughing. Lord, says she, I have got such a cold I can hardly speak. Nay, as to that, says he, I don’t care how softly you speak. Don’t tell me of speaking softly, said she, let me have my money, or I’ll take the law of you. Do, says he, then you’ll be forced to hold your tongue, for the law allows nobody to scold in their own cause.

282. Some persons talking of a fine lady that had many suitors: Well, says one of them, you may talk of this great man and that great man, of this lord and t’other knight; but I know a fellow without a foot of estate, that will carry her before them all. Pho, that’s impossible, says another, unless you mean her coachman.

283. Count Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador here, in Queen Elizabeth’s time, sent a compliment to the Lord St. Albans, whom he lived on no good terms with, wishing him a merry Easter. My lord thanked the messenger, and said, he could not requite the count better than by wishing him a good Pass-over.

284. A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a hurry to finish any matter, used to say, Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner.

285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passionate man, who suppressed his anger, That he thought worse than he spoke; and of an angry man, that would vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse than he thought.

286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in an ill man was like the power of a witch—he could do harm, but no good; as the magicians, said he, could turn water into blood, but could not turn blood into water again.

287. He was likewise wont to commend much the advice of a plain old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. A proud lazy young fellow came to him for a besom upon trust, to whom the old man said, Friend, hast thou no money? Borrow of thy back and of thy belly, they’ll never ask thee for’t; I shall be dunning thee every day.

288. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his captain that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says the captain, prithee what’s he? A butcher, sir, replied the serjeant, and your honour will have double service of him, for we had two sheep-stealers in the company before.

289. A harmless country fellow having commenced a suit against a gentleman that had beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn; when the assizes grew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to keep out of the way: Well, says the fellow, I’m resolved I’ll up to town, and the king shall know it. The king know it! said his landlord, who was an attorney, prithee what good will that do you, if the man keeps out of the way? Why, sir, said the poor fellow, I have heard you say, the king could make a man a-peer at any time.

290. One speaking of an agreeable young fellow, said, He had wit enough to call his good nature in question, and yet good nature enough to make his wit suspected.

291. A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, by the help of a tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, What pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to pass for an ass. Rather, said another, one should pity those whom nature abuses than those who abuse nature; besides, the town would be robbed of one-half of its diversion, if it should become a crime to laugh at a fool.

292. At the masquerade in the Hay-Market, one appearing in the habit of a bishop, another, for the jest’s sake, bowed his knee to ask a blessing. The former laying his hand on his head, very demurely said, Prithee rise, there’s nothing in’t indeed, friend.

293. Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conversation is your fighting fool, and your opiniated wit; the one is always talking to show his parts, and the other always quarrelling to show his valour.

294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the folio of himself, bound up in his own calf’s leather, and gilt about the edges.

295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had been a servant, to borrow money of him, received a very scurvy answer, concluding in the following words: Pray, sir, what do you trouble me for? I’ve no money to lend. I’m sure you lie, said the gentleman, for if you were not rich, you durst not be so saucy.

296. The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of matrimony, and, in consequence of that notion, pretend that it confers grace. The Protestant divines do not carry matters so high, but say, This ought to be understood in a qualified sense; and that marriage so far confers grace, as that, generally speaking, it brings repentance, which everybody knows is one step towards grace.

297. An extravagant young gentleman, to whom the title of lord, and a good estate, was just fallen, being a little harassed by duns, bid his steward tell them, That whilst he was a private gentleman he had leisure to run in debt, but being now advanced to a higher rank, he was too busy to pay them.

298. A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, said it was all along with that drunken sot his man, who could not keep himself sober. With your worship, said the fellow, I know very few drunken sots that do keep themselves sober.

299. A certain Irishman making strong love to a lady of great fortune, told her, He could not sleep for dreaming of her.

300. A plain country yeoman bringing his daughter to town, said, for all she was brought up altogether in the country, she was a girl of sense. Yes, said a pert young female in the company, country sense. Why, faith, madam, says the fellow, country sense is better sometimes than London impudence.

301. I’ll swear, said a gentleman to his mistress, you are very handsome. Pho, said she, so you’d say, though you did not think so. And so you’d think, answered he, though I should not say so.

302. A gentleman in King Charles the Second’s time, who had paid a tedious attendance at court for a place, and had a thousand promises, at length resolved to see the king himself; so getting himself introduced, he told his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly asked him for the place just then vacant. The king hearing his story, told him he had just given the place away. Upon which the gentleman made a very low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely; which he repeated often. The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called him again, and asked the reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks, when he had denied his suit. The rather, an’t please your majesty, replied the gentleman; your courtiers have kept me waiting here these two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs; but your majesty has saved me all that trouble, and generously given me my answer at once. Gads fish, man, said the king, thou shalt have the place for thy downright honesty.

303. A merry droll servant, who lived with a lady that was just on the point of matrimony, being sent with a How-d’ye-do to an acquaintance of hers, who lived a few miles off, was asked how his lady did? Ah, dear madam, replied the fellow, she can never live long in this condition.

304. ’Twas a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who being asked, Where her husband was, when he lay concealed for having been deeply concerned in a conspiracy? resolutely answered, She had hid him. This confession drew her before the king, who told her, Nothing but her discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the torture. And will that do? said the lady. Yes, said the king, I give you my word for it. Then, said she, I have hid him in my heart, there you’ll find him.

305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an abbé as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of his countrymen told him, That though the abbé and he differed about the way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.

306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, if his humour was not gratified, to leave his relations and family and go away to France. Let him alone, said one, he will come back from France, before he gets half way to Dover.

307. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to Newgate, an arch fellow that heard him, said, he’d show him presently. Do but go across the way, said he, to yon goldsmith’s shop, and move off with one of those silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently.

308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. A town beggar was very importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity. Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have it not.

309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, being a fisherman’s son, caused a net to be spread every day, on a table in his apartment, to put him in mind of his origin: the abbot dying, this dissembled humility procured him to be chosen abbot; after which, the net was used no more. Being asked the reason, he answered, There is no occasion for the net now the fish is caught.

310. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like, drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a great way to visit this champion, and being told that he was in his ground behind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse’s bridle in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging the bridle upon the pales, he accosted him thus: That having heard much of his fame, he had come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion, without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him upon such an advantageous lock, that he pitched him clean over the pales; with a great deal of unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he could, called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, have you any more to say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to desire you would be so kind as throw my horse after me.

311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him, made an apology, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, really, replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted me at all, for I have not minded one word you said.

312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and exposing one another before company, one told them, That they had both done like wits: for wits, said he, never give over till they prove one another fools.

313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow.

314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one robbed him of his money, and the other of his goods: His neighbour coming to condole with him, told him, He might sue the county, for he had been robbed between son and son.

315. A person speaking to the Earl of C——d of the false taste of several people of quality, and their ignorance in many things that they pretend to understand; Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality judge of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they go to see.

316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’ ears—Farewell, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him. And he carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men’s.

317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one: Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next: Good morrow, father Jacob, cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old gentleman, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father’s asses, and lo! here I have found them.

318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University of Oxford, being appointed to preach before the Vice Chancellor, and the heads of the colleges, at St. Mary’s, and having formerly observed the drowsiness of the Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text: “What! cannot ye watch one hour?” At every division he concluded with his text; which by reason of the Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often awaked him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it so nettled the Vice Chancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, willing to redress him, sent for this scholar up to London, to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge; where coming, he gave so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before King James. After some excuses, he at length consented; and coming into the pulpit, began, “James the First, and the Sixth, waver not”; meaning the first king of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the king was somewhat amazed at the text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. After this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Oxford to make his recantation to the Vice Chancellor, and to take leave of the University, which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the former text, “Sleep on now and take your rest”: concluding his sermon, he made his apology to the Vice Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which gave offence, What! cannot ye watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on and take your rest—and so left the University.

319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to London, which place he had never seen before, as he walked in a certain street, not a great way from Mark Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant’s door, with a handle to it; and wondering what it meant, he took it in his hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he heard a bell ring; it so happened, that the merchant, being near the door, went himself, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing, sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What countryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an’t please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the countryman, and I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a donkey.

320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, who, not contented, though he was very kind to her, made continual complaints to her father, to the great grief of both families; the husband being no longer able to endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Hereupon she complained to her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her soundly too; saying, Go, and commend me to your husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelled his wife, as he hath beaten my daughter.

321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian proverb, That three women make a market with their chattering; Nay, then, said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a fair.

322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a bad memory, was at a stand; whereupon in a low voice, he desired one that stood close by, to help him out: No, said the other, methinks you are out enough already.

323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which-wood, in Oxfordshire, asked a fellow, What that wood was called; he said, Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, I tell thee;—he still said Which-wood. I think, said the gentleman, thou art as senseless as the wood that grows there. It may be so, replied the other, but you know not Which-wood.

324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a friend, I am glad to see you well. In troth, sir, said one, I think you do but dissemble, for the world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.

325. A gentleman falling to decay, shifted where he could; among the rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time the man began to be weary of his guest, and to be rid of him, feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their fare was very slender. The gentleman perceiving their drift, but not knowing whither to go to better himself, told them, He had been there seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and that he was resolved to stay seven weeks longer, but he would see them friends again.

326. A gentleman who loved everything that was foreign, and was extremely fond of hard names, dining at a friend’s house, asked him, What the name of the wine was, of which he had just drank a glass at table; his friend, knowing that it was but indifferent, and recollecting that he had bought it at the Stocks Market, told him, it was the true Stoko Marketto; upon which he found the wine excellent, and gave it great encomiums.

327. A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what was honesty? What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that concern you.

328. A simple bumpkin, coming to London, was very much taken with the sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which when they took up, the countryman’s feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way than the rest, that they chose to go through; the countryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven in the same manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their demand. Returning into the country, he related what rare things he had seen in London, and withal, that he been conveyed in a sedan: Sedan, quoth one, what is that? Why, said he, like our watch-house, only it is covered with leather; but were it not for the name of a sedan, a man might as well walk on foot.

329. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of being a great scholar in the country, because he could read and write, coming to London, and inquiring into all the strange things he saw, at last read on a sign-post, Horses to be let, 1748. Well, said he, if there are so many horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole city?

330. One reading a witty preface before a dull book, said, he wondered how such a preface came to be matched so preposterously to such a book. In truth, sir, said another, I see no reason why they may not be matched, for I’m sure they are not at all a-kin.

331. A person not belonging to Merton College, put his horse in a field thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the master of that College sent his man to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. Say you so? said the person: go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse’s tail, I will cut off his ears. The servant returning, told his master what he said; whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, the master said, How now, sir! what mean you by the menace you sent me? Sir, said the other, I threatened you not, for I only said, if you cut off my horse’s tail, I would cut off his ears.

332. One seeing a scholar that looked very much a-squint, Sure, said he, this man must be more learned than his fellows, for with one cast of his eyes he can read both sides of the book at once.

333. A youth standing by whilst his father was at play, observing him to lose a great deal of money, burst into tears; his father asked him the reason why he wept? Oh, sir, I have heard that Alexander the Great wept when he heard his father Philip had conquered a great many towns, cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win; but I wept the contrary way, fearing you will leave me nothing to lose.

334. A rich citizen of London, in his will, left something considerable to Christ’s Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant sons. At the funeral, the Blue-coat boys were ordered, in acknowledgment of so great a gift, to sing before the corpse to the grave. As they marched through Cheapside, this extravagant son led his mother, who observing the boys made a rest, he opened his pipes in such a manner, that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other; and still leading his mother, he continued thus singing, ’till a kinsman came to him, and stopping his mouth, asked him his reason for his irreverent and indecent carriage. Why, cousin, quoth this Ne’er-be-good, the boys there at my father’s death sing for something, and won’t you let me sing for nothing?

335. The famous Mr. Amner going through a street in Windsor, two boys looked out of a one-pair of stairs window, and cried, There goes Mr. Amner that makes so many bulls. He hearing them, looked up saying, You rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here, I’d kick you down stairs.

336. The same gentleman crossing the water in a ferry-boat at Datchet, the good man of the ferry being from home, his wife did his office; and not putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his landing sunk into the mud over his shoes; and going a little farther he met with a friend, who asked, How he came so dirty? Egad, replied Mr. Amner, no man was ever so abused as I have been; for coming over Datchet ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over his boat and landed me clean in the mire.

337. A poor woman in the country sent her son to a gentleman’s house, upon some errand or other. The loitering lad stayed somewhat too long, looking upon a dog in the wheel that turned the spit; so that when he came home, his mother beat him soundly: execution ended, the boy told her, If she had been there, she would have stayed as long as he; and she demanding the reason, he said, Oh, mother, it would have done you good to have seen how daintily a dog in a wheel spun roast meat.

338. In Flanders, by accident, a Flemish tiler falling from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, killed him, though he escaped himself. The next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence against the tiler; and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him but lex talionis. Whereupon, the judge said unto him, That if he did urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top of the same house, and from thence fall down upon the tiler.

339. A lord intended to take in a great part of the common belonging to the town, and he agreed with a carpenter to have it railed in: My lord, said he, it shall be done, and I think I can save you some charges in the business; For, said he, do you but get posts, and I doubt not but all the neighbors round about will find you railing enough.

340. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to achieve the enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send but half so many men: Send but half so many men! why so? said the colonel. Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be knocked on the head.

341. A fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon listed himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends, What exploits he had done there? He said, That he had cut off one of the enemy’s legs; and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head; Oh, said he, you must know his head was cut off before.

342. A person of quality coming into a church, at the place where several of his ancestors were buried, after he had said much in their commendation and praised them for worthy men; Well, said he, I am resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.

343. An Irishman having been obliged to live with his master some time in Scotland; when he came home again, some of his companions asked him, How he liked Scotland? I will tell you now, said he, I was sick all de while I was dere, and if I had lived dere till this time, I had been dead a year ago.

344. A certain duchess, in a late reign, hearing that a man in a high office, which gave him an opportunity of handling much cash, had married his mistress; Good Lord, said she, that old fellow is always robbing the public.

345. A book being published in Queen Elizabeth’s time that gave her much offence, she asked Bacon if he could find no treason in it? No, madam, said he, but abundance of felony, for the author hath stolen half his conceits out of Tacitus.

346. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent for to feel her pulse; she being very coy, and loth he should touch her skin, pulled her sleeve over her hand; the doctor observing it, took a corner of his coat, and laid it upon the sleeve; at which a lady that stood by wondered: O, madam, said he, a linen pulse must always have a woollen physician.

347. Tom Clarke, of St. John’s, desired a fellow of the same college to lend him Bishop Burnet’s History of the Reformation; the other told him, He could not spare it out of his chamber, but, if he pleased, he might come there and read it all day long. Some time after the same gentleman sent to Tom to borrow his bellows: Tom sent him word, that he could not possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and use them all day long if he would.

348. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat upon his head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat under his arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor with great humility addressed him thus: Sire, I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.

349. Dr. Hickringal, who was one of King Charles the Second’s chaplains, whenever he preached before his majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. One day his majesty, walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and sent to speak to him; when he came,—Doctor, said the king, What have I done to you that you are always quarreling with me? I hope your majesty is not angry with me, quoth the doctor, for telling the truth. No, no, said the king, but I would have us for the future be friends. Well, well, quoth the doctor, I’ll make it up with your majesty on these terms, as you mend, I’ll mend.

350. In a little country town, it happened that the ’squire of the parish’s lady came to church after her lying-in, to return thanks, or as it is commonly called, to be churched: The parson aiming to be complaisant, and thinking plain ‘woman’ a little too familiar, instead of saying, O Lord, save this woman; said, O Lord, save this lady. The clerk, resolving not to be behindhand with him, answered, Who putteth her ladyship’s trust in thee.

351. One of King James the First’s chaplains preaching before the court at Whitehall, made use of the following quibbles in his discourse. Speaking of the depravity of the age, Almost all-houses, he said, were made ale-houses;—that men made matri-money a matter of money; and placed their Para-dise in a pair of dice: Was it so in the days of No-ah? Ah, no.

352. The Rev. Mr. Henley waiting one day at Sir Robert Walpole’s levee, was asked by the knight what brought him there? The orator replied, I hear you want a good pen. No, said Sir Robert, I don’t. Then, said the orator, I have a bad one, which perhaps you may not like. Well, said the knight, if it is very bad, I must get one of the Secretaries of State to mend it.

353. Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the city and suburbs, one of which giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had just staggered from a tavern into the middle of them: he said pleasantly enough, God bless his majesty’s arms! But as to the supporters, they are beasts.

354. It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson to King William, when he complained of the shortness of his sermon: Sir, said the bishop, could I have bestowed more time on it, it would have been shorter.

355. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, witnessing one of the French operas at Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, as usual in France, sung louder than the performer, burst into bitter invectives against the latter; upon which his lordship gave over to inquire the reason, adding, that the person he exclaimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. Yes, replied his excellency, but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can’t have the pleasure to hear your lordship.

356. A living of 500l. per annum, falling in the gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends as very deserving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the interim, the curate, who had served the last incumbent many years for a poor 30l. per annum, came up with a petition, signed by many of the inhabitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth that he had a wife and seven children to maintain, and begging his lordship would stand his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy; and, in consideration of his large family, if he could prevail with the next incumbent to add 10l. a year, he should for ever pray for him. His lordship, according to his usual goodness, promised to use his utmost endeavours to serve him; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the living was designed, coming soon after to pay his respects, my lord told him the affair of the curate, with this difference only, that he should allow him 60l. a year instead of 30l. The clergyman in some confusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his request, for that he had promised the curacy to another, and could not go from his word. How! said the nobleman, have you promised the curacy before you were possessed of the living? Well, to keep your word with your friend, if you please, I’ll give him the curacy, but the living, I assure you, I’ll give to another: and saying this he left him. The next day the poor curate coming to know his destiny, my lord told him, That he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of it before. The curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness, and was going to withdraw, when my lord calling him back, said with a smile, Well, my friend, ’tis true, I have it not in my power to give you the curacy; but if you will accept of the living ’tis at your service.

357. The same noble lord, when he was under the tuition of the Reverend ——, who used to call him his little chancellor, one day replied, that when he was so he would give him a good living. One happening to become vacant soon after he was chancellor, he recollected his promise, and ordered the presentation to be filled up for his old master, who soon after came to his lordship to remind him of his promise, and to ask him for the living. Why, really, said my lord, I wish you had come a day sooner, but I have given it away already, and when you see to whom, I dare say you will not think me to blame.

358. A country curate being one Friday in Lent to examine his young catechumens, and the bell tolling for prayers, he was obliged to leave a game of all-fours unfinished, in which he had the advantage; but told his antagonist he would soon dispatch his audience, and see him out. Now for fear any tricks should be played with the cards in his absence, he put them in his cassock; and asking one of the children how many commandments there were, which the boy not readily answering, by accident one of the cards dropped out of his sleeve; he had the presence of mind to bid the boy take it up, and tell him what card it was; which he readily did: when turning to the parents of the child, Are you not ashamed, said he, to pay so little regard to the eternal welfare of your children, as not to teach them their commandments? I suspected your neglect, and brought this card with me, to detect your immorality, in teaching your children to know their cards before their commandments.

359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he was asked to stay to dinner; which he accepting, the gentleman stepped into the next room, and told his wife he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her to provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and scold, and make a thousand words, till at last her husband, being very much provoked at her behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which the doctor, who had heard all that passed, immediately stepped out, crying, I beg, sir, you’ll make no stranger of me.

360. A woman of bad character who had lived in Clerkenwell, having left by her will a handsome sum of money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to preach her funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say nothing but what was well of her. Her executors accordingly waited on the doctor, and acquainted him with the conditions of the will; who being very much surprised at such a request, desired them to call again, and he would consider of it. Soon after they came again when he agreed that on the money being paid directly, he would preach the following Sunday. The doctor kept his word, and taking the text, “Blessed are they,” &c., made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and the reward they would have in the next world; concluding, Dear friends, said he, as for the deceased, of whom I am now going to speak (which caused great attention from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she was born at Camberwell, lived great part of her time in Bridewell, and died in Clerkenwell, and at last has done well; then let us pray that she may fare well, &c., &c.

361. The Rev. Mr. B—n coming from Holland with the King, a terrible hurricane arising, the sloop was in great danger of being lost. The facetious Mr. B—d, of Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him, and very willing to prepare himself for another world, desired him to take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt he had on belonged to Mr. G——, and that he might have it again; then falling on his knees, he attempted to rehearse the Lord’s Prayer, but with such a tone as affrighted the ship’s crew; on which the captain running down, desired him to pray to himself; and to his great surprise found the doctor stripping himself: Pray, doctor, said he, what do you design to do? Oh, said he, let him pray; I design to swim for my life.

362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh—d, of the King’s Bench in Ireland, being esteemed a very able lawyer, and Judge C—d and B—t but very indifferent ones; Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was ever supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon it. A hundred! said another, how can that be? Why, replied the other, there is a figure of one, and two ciphers.

363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, in Ireland, coming into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a hand to pull off his great coat: Indeed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not! replied the other, what do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, there is an act of parliament against stripping of Ash.

364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, told Waller the poet, that he had made better verses and said finer things of Cromwell than of him. That may very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally succeed better in imaginary things, than in real ones.

365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis the Fourteenth, having caught a man of whom he was jealous in the room with his wife, after some words, told him, he would let him escape that time; but if ever he found him there again, he’d throw his hat out of the window. Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very few days he caught the spark in the same place, and was as good as his word. Knowing what he had done, he posted away to a place where the king was, and throwing himself at his majesty’s feet, implored his pardon. The king asked him what his offence was? he told him the story, and how he had thrown the man’s hat out of the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very readily forgive you; considering your provocation, I think you were much in the right to throw his hat out of the window. Yes, and may it please you, my liege, said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so? replied the king: well, my word is passed.

366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city, and had but a bad voice, though otherwise an excellent preacher; a friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody’s voice against him but his own.

367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I won’t pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try.

368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests one morning, soon after Sir Rob. W—— had married Miss S——, and overhearing him tell a gentleman, who congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad his friends were pleased with what he had done—Ay, and so are your enemies too, said he.

369. The Earl of C——d, notwithstanding his great good nature, upon some provocation was, at a certain time, forced to lay his cane across the shoulders of Sir Harry ——, who took it very patiently. Some time after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great coward: upon which, my lord meeting him the next day, told him he was glad to hear he behaved so gallantly yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know whom we beat.

370. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at court, and at last recalled to kiss the King’s hand, the king said to him, Your eminence’s hair is grown quite white. To which he replied, It would make a younger man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your majesty as I have.

371. Upon the death of the famous Molière, a poet waiting with his epitaph upon the Prince of Condé, the Prince told him, he should have been much better pleased, if Molière had brought him his.

372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed his promotion, and returned; but got a violent cold by the way: It is no wonder, said one that was told of it, since he came so far without his hat.

373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend’s house, and told him, he came three miles on purpose to sup with him: to which the other answered, He was greatly obliged to him, since he came so far to see him before he came to himself.

374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling prayer, said, Laird bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant they may all hang together. A country-fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don’t mean as that fellow means, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord. No matter what cord, replied the other, so it is but a strong cord.

375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry, Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot; his northern blood fired at the insult, he drew his broadsword, looking round him on every side, to discover the object of his indignation; he at last found that it came from a parrot, perched in a balcony within his reach; but the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye’re a green geuse, I would split your ween.

376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the kirk in Edinburgh on hell torments, represented them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold they suffered there. And it being at that time very cold weather, one of his congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him the reason of his so doing, when all the eminent divines had preached it up to be the reverse. O sir, said he, I had good reason; for if I had told them it was hot, I should have had them all run away to warm themselves.

377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, shut his eyes, and placed it before his face; another asking him, Why he did so? Upon my shoul, said Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep.

378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a falsehood as I did.

379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead the merriest life of any man in Christendom.

380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at liberty.

381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke, accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what will then become of my lord the archbishop?

382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour, yet he had not been seen in the fight. I’ll make it out, answered Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go.

383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius, that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope.

384. Dr. M—d coming out of Tom’s coffee-house, an impudent broken apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir, replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do won’t lend me a farthing.

385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But, said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have been dangerous.

386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we had but a mock fight.

387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth, brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings.

388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor Bacon, at a small country seat, which he had built for himself before his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so small a house? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have made my house too small for myself, but your majesty, who has made me too big for my house.

389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues he had not; Well, said he, I’ll do my utmost to hinder your telling an untruth.

390. King William III. being upon a march for some secret expedition, was entreated by a general to tell him what his design was: the king, instead of answering him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell him, he could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther; the general promised it should not. Well, answered his majesty, I know how to keep a secret as well as you.

391. Mr. T—s C—r, the comedian, coming one day to his father, begged him to let him have a hundred pounds, which would make him perfectly easy in his affairs. Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you can’t live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; when I was of your age, I never spent any of my father’s money. I do not know that, answered the son, but I am sure you have spent a great many hundred pounds of my father’s money.

392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the difference between the mortgager and mortgagee: Yes, said he, it is the same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge. Why, you sit there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee.

393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I have very good reasons for it, answered the other; poor Jack Such-a-one, the greatest crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other, he did no more than you or I would have done on the like occasion; he found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What! answered the other, hang a man for taking a bridle! That’s hard indeed. To tell the truth of the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the end of it.

394. It was a fine saying of my lord Russell, who was beheaded in the reign of King Charles II., when on the scaffold, he delivered his watch to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards bishop of Salisbury: Here, sir, said he, take this, it shows time: I am going into eternity, and shall have no longer any need of it.

395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina’s gallant behaviour at a tournament, told him one day, that she would absolutely know who his mistress was: Villa Medina excused himself awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her her picture. The next morning he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the Queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood the Spaniard’s meaning.

396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him. Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer.

397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a maidservant about work and wages, asked her, among other questions, what religion she was of? Alack-a-day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head about that; for religion, I thought, was only for gentlefolks.

398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to hear mass in the Dominican friars’ chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him several pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what they were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beggar’s eyes, that he was amazed at it. As M. Chatillon was going out of the church door, where the poor man waited for him; Sir, said he, showing him what he had given him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give me so large a sum; if not, I am very ready to return it. The admiral, wondering at the honesty of the man, said, I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given you so much; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, I will have the generosity to desire you to keep it, and there are five pieces more for you.

399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune could well bear, and the regiment not being paid as was expected, was forced to put off a great part of his equipage; a few days after, as he was walking by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting cleaning himself under a hedge: What are you doing there, Tom? said the officer. Why, faith, sir, answered the soldier, I am following your example, getting rid of part of my retinue.

400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate, and left himself no furniture in the house but a sorry bed, a little table, a few broken chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the night, he cried out to them, Are not you a pack of fools, to think to find anything here in the dark, when I can find nothing by daylight?

401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagancies, run himself over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concerned about it, one of his friends told him one day, That he wondered how he could sleep quietly in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said my lord, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can.

402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste to the Pope, and told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don’t you know that fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will find this one of them.

403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter he had just received from his father, who therein acquainted him, that he was threatened with an assessment, which would be very hard upon him, whose whole estate was not above two hundred livres per annum. This sum was written in figures, thus (200). But the Gascon reading two thousand instead of two hundred, a lady that stood behind him, and read the letter without uttering a word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing him say two thousand; Hold, hold, sir, said she, there are but two hundred. Let me be hanged, said he, turning about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has not forgot a cipher.

404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under Henry IV. King of France, and not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to the king, and confidently said to him, Sire, three words with your majesty: Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his majesty: Neither one nor t’other.

405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the art of making gold, dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward: His holiness finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large empty purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have no need of anything but a purse to put it in.

406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress as he thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. The lady, a little surprised at the question, called him impertinent fellow. Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a poor countryman, just going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an account of the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have heard, replied the countryman (heartily nettled at her behaviour) of a pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before.

407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same, said the shepherd, that clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on a little way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he’d come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to the shepherd, delivered his master’s message, and concluded as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, are you going away then? said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, his living can’t maintain three of us.

408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, with a can of flip in his hand, of which he was to have part himself, when a cannon ball came suddenly, and took off one of his legs; Look ye there now, said he, all the flip’s spilt.

409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called The Marriage Night, was chosen very young to sit in parliament; and when he was first elected, some of the members opposed his admission, urging, That he had not sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the best way to sow them in the house, where there are so many geese to pick them up.

410. The Duke of —— asked a friend, Who he thought had undertaken the most difficult task, Mr. Whiston, in his attempts to discover the longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to find the philosopher’s stone? The friend answered, that he could not tell which was the more arduous task of the two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he was sure that he had himself engaged in a much more difficult work than either of them. What is that? said his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend.

411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said he, can’t you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers’ ends.

412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was ordered by the House of Commons to be pulled down, to make the coach-way more open and commodious, a member made a motion, that the other which was contiguous to it, might be taken down at the same time; which was opposed by a gentleman, who told the house, that he had a very high veneration for that fabric, that he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity; that he had the honour to have lived by it many years; and therefore humbly begged the house would continue the honour to him, for it would really make him unhappy to be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford seconded the gentleman, and said, ’Twould be a thousand pities, but he should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he was sure he could never live by his style.

413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon Killigrew went and examined the tail; What are you doing? said the king, that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a courtier. The scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and, to judge rightly of the play, a man must transport himself into the country, and get acquainted with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the courtier, and I think it would be best to have it acted there.

415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.

416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward, but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this bacon; and so hung the flitch up again.

417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret. You fool, said Garret, don’t you know there must be Chambers first?

418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it’s Fuller in the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.

419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster’s often reading a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, ‘We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an eye,’ privately erased the letter c in the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be hanged in the twinkling of an eye.

420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon after at cards at a place where Lady T—nd was, and complaining in the midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your lordship had no side, said she.

421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife’s pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he would for it. No, said the other, I don’t care to sell it, for I am not sure that I shan’t marry again.

422. A scholar of Dr. Busby’s coming into a parlour where the doctor had laid a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up and said aloud, I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. The doctor, being but in the next room, overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, horsed on another boy’s back; but before he proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done: I publish the banns between my rod and this boy’s breech, if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. I forbid the banns, cried the boy. Why so? said the doctor. Because the parties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which answer so pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down.

423. The late Sir Robert Henley, who was commonly pretty much in debt, walking one day with two or three other gentlemen in the Park, was accosted by a tradesman, who took him aside for a minute or two, and when the baronet rejoined his company, he seemed to be in a great passion, which his friends taking notice of, asked him what was the matter? Why the rascal, said he, has been dunning me for money I have owed him these seven years, with as much impudence as if it was a debt of yesterday.

424. The late Mr. D—t, the player, a man of great humanity, as will appear by the story, having heard that his landlady’s maid had cut her throat with one of his razors, of which an account was brought to him behind scenes at the time of the play; D—t, with great concern and emotion, cried out, Zoons, I hope it was not with my best razor!

425. Joe Haines, the player, being asked what could transport Mr. Collier into so blind a zeal for the general suppression of the stage, when only some particular authors had abused it; whereas the stage, he could not but know, was generally allowed, when rightly conducted, to be a delightful method of mending the morals? For that reason, replied Haines; Collier is, by profession, a moral-mender himself, and two of a trade, you know, can never agree.

426. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better diversion, one proposed play; but, said another of the company, I have fourteen good reasons against gaming. What are they? said another. In the first place, answered he, I have no money. Oh! said the other, if you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another.

427. A parson, in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii. 14, ‘And Peter’s wife’s mother lay sick of a fever,’ preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across the church-yard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for? Nay, I can’t tell you; perhaps, replied he, it is for Peter’s wife’s mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks.

428. The Hon. Mr. L— one morning, at the late Sir Robert Walpole’s levee, as I sat by them, asked John Lawton for a pinch of snuff, who told him he had none in his box, for he seldom took any, but now and then to keep him awake at church. That, said the other, is the most improper thing you can do there; for it quite destroys the natural operation of the sermon.

429. I remember in the reign of the late Queen Anne, when disputes ran high between Whig and Tory, some persons suffered party to mix in every their minutest action. A Tory would not cock his hat in the same manner that a Whig did, nor a Whig lady patch her face on the same side that the Tory ladies patched theirs. A pleasant instance of this strict adherence to party in trivial affairs, was Dick W—l, who, being sent to parliament on the Tory interest, was resolved to do nothing but what was on that side. The house, a few days after he took his seat in it, happening to sit late, a motion was made for candles to be brought in, which being put to the vote, Dick pulled a high-flying member, who sat near him, by the sleeve, and asked him if candles were for the church? And being answered in the affirmative, very readily gave his voice for them, which otherwise he would not have done.

430. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one night at the tavern: Now, said he, have I done as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands. Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the jawbone of an ass.

431. Poor Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. I don’t use to give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do, said Joe; and so made way for him.

432. When the late Duke of —— went over as Lord Lieutenant to Ireland, he took an excellent man cook with him, but they had not been there above a month, when, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he gave him warning. What’s the reason, said the duke, that you have a mind to leave me? Why, if I continue with your excellency much longer, answered the cook, I shall quite forget my trade.

433. A certain officer in the guards telling one night, in company with Joe Miller, of several wonderful things he had seen abroad, among the rest he told the company he had seen a pike caught that was six feet long. That’s a trifle, said Joe, I have seen a half-pike, in England, longer by a foot, and yet not worth twopence.

434. Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose comedians, going one day through Rag Fair, a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a leg of mutton, he saw hanging up there, at a butcher’s stall. The butcher told him it was a groat a pound. Are you not an unconscionable fellow, said Spiller, to ask such a price, when one may have a new one for the same price in Clare Market?

435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world.

436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen; being asked the reason for so doing: From such, said he, I had it, and to such I give it again.

437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry for having committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen enough to bribe the jury.

438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them; and going one day through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails; whereupon he immediately turned about in a great surprise, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at whose suit?

439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place.

440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much in favor with the Tory ministry, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, had a lady who was reckoned a woman of great wit and humour, but of political principles quite opposite to those of her husband. After the death of the Queen, when it was talked of as if the late ministers would have been called to account, my Lord B—ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well, madam, said he, you hear how terribly we are threatened; you’ll come, I hope, and see me, when I go to Tower Hill? Upon my word, my lord, said she, I should be extremely glad to do it: but I believe I shall be engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the name by which she always called her husband) will be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn.

441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told her husband she wished him joy, for she heard he was to be made a lord. (This was before the death of Queen Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be my title? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a sneer upon him, for having been engaged in settling a tariff of trade which he was thought well skilled in. And why don’t you, when you hear any one abuse your husband, spit in their face? said he. No, I thank you, answered the lady, I don’t intend to spit myself into a consumption.

442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-merchant, and sold great quantities of that liquor, but was supposed to make it chiefly without much of the juice of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I deal in wine, Mr. Alderman, said Sir John, and am no brewer. But I know you are, replied the other, and can brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a caldron of coals.

443. A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and think worthy his acceptance; soon after hearing of the death of an old rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300l. a year, sent his chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him, but said, he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood, as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not long after happening, the archbishop sent him also to view that; but he returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his grace. A third living, much better than either of the others becoming vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to take a view of that; and when he came back, Well, now, said my lord, how do you like this last living? what objection can you have to this? I like the country very well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, and the neighbourhood, but—— But! replied the archbishop, what but can there be then? But, my lord, said he, I found the old incumbent smoking his pipe at the gate of his house.

444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the other a cheesemonger’s (who perhaps stood more upon the punctilio of precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court end of the town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, the cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping before her, No, madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese.

445. Old Johnson, the player, who was not only a very good actor, but a good judge of painting, and remarkable for making many dry jokes, was shown a picture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much commended, and was asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a very good painter, and observes the Lord’s commandments. What do you mean by that, Mr. Johnson? said one who stood by. Why, I think, answered he, that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

446. A certain noble lord in the county of Hants, who had not much applied himself to letters, and was remarkable for his ill-spelling, dining at a neighbouring gentleman’s house, took notice several times, and commended a snuff-box he made use of; when my lord was gone away, the gentleman’s wife said to her husband, My dear, you did not observe how often my lord commended your snuff-box; I dare say he would have been highly pleased if you had made him an offer of it; if I was you I would send it after him. The gentleman took his lady’s advice, and the next morning sent a servant away with a letter, and the snuff-box, as a present to the lord.—The lady judged right, for my lord was mightily delighted with it, and returned a most complaisant letter of thanks for the present, and told the gentleman, in his ill-spelling, that he was greatly obliged to him, and in a few days would send him an elephant, (equivalent he would have written). The gentleman, not at all liking my lord’s proposal, sent his servant with a letter again next day, telling his lordship, that he was very glad the box was so acceptable to him, and thanking him for the honour he designed him, but begged he would not think of sending what he mentioned, for it would not only be attended with an expense, which he could not very well afford, being such a devouring animal, but would bring such numbers of people to see it, that it would make his house a perfect house of call. My lord, a little while after, meeting the gentleman, told him, he was surprised at his letter, and could not imagine what he meant by it. The elephant, said he, that your lordship spoke of sending me. Elephant! said the learned lord, how could a man of your understanding make such a mistake? I said I would send you an equivalent. I beg your lordship’s pardon, returned the gentleman, and am ashamed of being such a dunce that I could not read your lordship’s letter.

447. Young Griffith Lloyd, of the county of Cardigan, being sent to Jesus College, Oxford, where he was looked upon as an errant dunce, wore a calf-skin waistcoat, tanned with the hair on, and trimmed with a broad gold lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent punster, said, that Griffith was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin, and gilt, but very ill-lettered.

448. Old G——, the rich miser of Gloucestershire, going home one day, between Wickivarr and Badminton, the way being greasy, after a shower of rain, his foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch, where he was almost smothered; a countryman, who knew his character, coming by, he begged him, for God’s sake, to help him. Ay, said the countryman, give me your hand. Give being a word that old G—— had a great aversion to, cried out, I thank you, honest friend, I will lend you my hand with all my heart. I have often heard, said the other, that you would never give anything in your life, so you may lie there; and on he walked.

449. An old woman at the head of a table, said a satirical young one, seems to revive the old Grecian custom of serving up a death’s head with their banquets.

450. The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles the Second’s reign, being killed in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioned a good deal of laughter and noise in the house; he lifted up his head, and speaking to the audience, said, This makes good what my poor mother used to tell me; for she would often say that I should cough in my grade, because I used to drink in my porridge. This set the house in such good humour, that it produced a thundering peal of applause, and made every one very readily pardon the solecism he had before committed.

451. Tom S—, the organist of St. M—, being reckoned to have a fine finger, drew many people to hear him, whom, he would oftentimes entertain with a voluntary after evening service, and his auditory seeming one day greatly delighted with his performance, after the church was cleared, Adad, sir, said his organ-blower, who was an idiot, I think we did rarely to-day. We, sirrah! said Tom. Ay, we, to be sure, answered the other; what would you have done without me? The next Sunday, Tom sitting down to play, could not make his organ speak, whereupon, calling to the bellows-blower, asked him what he meant? why he did not blow? Shall it be we, then? said the other.

452. A certain French gentleman, having been but a very little while in England, was invited to a friend’s house, where a large bowl of punch was made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which did not at all agree with him; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a person the next day, What dey call a dat liqur in England, which is all de contradiction; where is de brandy to make it strong, and de vater to make it small, de sugar to make it sweet, and de lemons to make it sower. Punch, answered the other, I suppose you mean. Ay, ponche, begar, cried monsieur, it almost ponche my brain out last night.

453. The famous Captain Fitzpatrick, who married ’Squire Western’s niece, and was reckoned an excellent hand at making bulls, was walking one day with two or three ladies, a little way out of West Chester, with his hat under his arm; the wind blowing very hard, one of the ladies said, I wonder, captain, you will be so ceremonious to walk bare-headed in such boisterous weather; pray, sir, put on your hat. Arrah, by my shoul, dear madam, answered the captain, I have been after trying two or three times already, and the wind is so high, that I can’t keep my hat upon my head any longer than ’tis under my arm.

454. The same gentleman being with the aforesaid ladies, in a nobleman’s garden, where there was a large iron roller, told them, he thought it was the biggest iron rolling-stone he had ever seen in his life.

455. A philosopher being blamed by a stander-by, for defending an argument weakly against the Emperor Adrian, replied, What! would you have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers?

456. A painter turned physician; upon which change, a friend applauded him, saying, You have done well, for before, your faults could be discovered by the naked eye, but now they are hid.

457. Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it was reported the king was poor, and that they were seeking ways and means to make him rich; but he added, For my part, I think the best way to make the king rich, would be to give him a good post, or office, for all his officers are rich.

458. Zelim, the first of the Ottoman Emperors that shaved his beard, his predecessors having always worn it long, being asked by one of his bashaws, why he altered the custom of his predecessors? answered, Because you bashaws shall not lead me by the beard, as you did them.

459. It being told Antigonus, in order to intimidate him, as he marched to the field of battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys of arrows, as would intercept the light of the sun. I am glad of it, replied he, for it being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade.

460. A sailor having received ten guineas for turning Roman Catholic, said to the priest who paid him the money, Sir, you ought to give me ten guineas more, because it is so hard to believe transubstantiation.

461. One seeing an affected coxcomb buying books, told him, His bookseller was properly his upholsterer, for he furnished his room rather than his head.

462. An arch wag once said, That tailors were like woodcocks, for they got their sustenance by their long bills.

463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of a certain Viceroy of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his friend, wrote him word, that he was accused at court of having extorted great sums of money from the people under his government; which I hope, said the Secretary, is true, or else you are undone.

464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired effect—she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on.

465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same fruit!

466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own.

467. The late Earl of S— kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague’s back, as he was carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the basket.

468. The same nobleman going out one day, called Teague to the side of his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he should be at home at dinner-time. But when my lord was got across the square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to the coachman to stop; upon which my lord, pulling the string, desired to know what Teague wanted; My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that you would dine at home; but what must I say if he don’t come?

469. A tailor’s boy being at church, heard it said that a remnant only should be saved. Egad, said the boy, then my master makes plaguy long remnants.

470. The renowned Mr. Wh—n, the famous astronomer, had made a calculation that the world would be at an end in fifteen years, and some time after offered to dispose of an estate; he asked the gentleman who was about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which the gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could ask so many years purchase, when he very well knew the world would be at an end in half the time.

471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they agreed amongst themselves to steal the silver cup that was brought up to them, and when they were going by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly welcome, cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the cup to himself, I wish we were well gone too.

472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put by one of the players into the upper gallery in Covent Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being very sober, and falling asleep, tumbled into the pit; but having the old proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being told by some of his companions that he was now free of the house, he went to Mr. Rich (the then manager) to put in his claim, who very readily allowed it, with this proviso, that he should always go out the same way he had come in.

473. One told another, who did not use to be clothed over often, that his new coat was too short for him; That’s true, answered his friend, but it will be long enough before I get another.

474. A gentleman who was travelling in Italy, saw one day, as he passed along the road near Naples, a man standing up to his chin in a puddle of dirty water; not able to guess at the meaning of it, he cried out to him, What are you catching there, friend? Cold, replied the other, for I have to sing the bass part at the opera to-night. But suppose, said the gentleman, you catch your death. Why, then, said the other, the opera will be damned.

475. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said Lord Orford had got a number of peers made at once, to serve a particular turn, being met next day by Lord Wharton,—So, Robin, said he, I find what you lost by tricks you have gained by honours.

476. A young gentleman who had stolen a ward, being in suit for her fortune, before a late lord chancellor, and the counsel insisting much on the equity of decreeing her a fortune for her maintenance, his lordship turned briskly upon him with this sentence, That since the suitor had stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he could.

477. A country fellow, who had served several years in the army abroad, when the war was over, coming home to his friends, was received amongst them with great rejoicing, and the miraculous stories related by him were heard with no small pleasure. Well, said the old father, and prythee Jack, what didst thou learn there? Learn, sir, why I learnt to know that when I turned my shirt, the vermin had a day’s march to my skin again.

478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own country who was a sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was married again in his absence, so he was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to advise with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. Arrah, by my shoul, but that shall be impossible, said the other, for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and shan’t return this twelve-month. Oh! then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done in it, and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive.

479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by one of his courtiers to knight a very worthless fellow, of mean aspect, when he was going to lay the sword upon his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and hung down his head as out of countenance; Don’t be ashamed, said the king, ’tis I have most reason to be so.

480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally when night came on, not because it brought darkness with it, but because daylight saved him a candle.

481. A man was reproached by another with barbarity in beating his wife so severely as he often did; Go, you are a fool, and ignorant of the scriptures, said he, else you would know that it was a proof of my love for her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble; but he that the Lord loveth he chastizeth, and so do I.

482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have catch’d a tartar! Bring him along then! Ay, but he won’t come. Why then come away without him. By Jasus, but he won’t let me!

483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie with some quinces in it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if a few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made all of quinces?

484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Holborn in a hackney coach, with Phil. F—, saw a fellow drumming before the door of a puppet-show; Now, this is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke; if you were reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either a highwayman or drummer to a puppet-show, which would you choose? Faith, my lord, answered Phil., I would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay, replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had of you, that you have more pride than honesty.

485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that wanted some amendment, which being not attended to by the house, he frequently repeated that he thirsted to mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member got up, and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honourable member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught. This put the house in such a good humour, that his request was granted.

486. An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman, What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for blundering and making bulls? Faith, said the knight, I believe there is something in the air of Ireland; and I dare say, if an Englishman was born there he would do the same.

487. A gentleman who was a staunch Whig, disputing with a Jacobite, said, he had two good reasons for being against the interest of the pretender: What are those? said the other. The first, replied he, is, that he is an impostor, not really King James’s son: Why, that, said the Tory, would be a good reason, if it could be proved. And, pray, sir, what is your other? Why, said the Whig, that he is King James’s son.

488. Although the infirmities of nature are not proper subjects to be made a jest of, yet when people take a great deal of pains to conceal what everybody sees, there is nothing more ridiculous: of this sort was old Cross the player, who, being very deaf, did not care anybody should know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a friend one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old Cross on the other side of the way, told his acquaintance he should see some sport; so beckoning to Cross with his finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as he could, as if he hallooed to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came puffing from the other side of the way; What the deuce, said he, do you make such a noise for? do you think one can’t hear?

489. There is in Rome a certain broken statue called Pasquin, to which, in the night time, people affix the libels they dare not own; a kind of dumb satire on the vices of the grandees, not sparing even the Pope himself, as may be seen by the following story:—A late Pope, being descended from a very mean family, on his advancement to the holy see, bestowed great preferment on most of his poor relations; whereupon Pasquin, on the next great festival, early in the morning, was observed to have an extremely dirty shirt on, with a scroll of paper in his hand, whereon was written, How now, Pasquin? What! so dirty upon a holiday? and under that his answer: Alas! I have no clean linen, my washerwoman is made a princess.

490. An Irishman and an Englishman falling out, the Hibernian told him if he did not hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable head and let the brains out of his empty skull!

491. Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a review of his poems, and said he wrote very well for a banker, wrote in return, the following:

They say he has no heart, but I deny it:

He has a heart, he gets his speeches by it.

492. A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate:—How do you live? Pretty well, sir, generally a joint and pudding at dinner. I mean, sir, how do you get your bread? I beg your worship’s pardon; sometimes at the baker’s, and sometimes at the chandler’s shop. You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you how do you do? Tolerably well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship is well.

493. When Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote under it: If you do you’ll be hanged;—to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: I’ll be hanged if I do.

494. Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals under Louis XIII. when a boy of only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is? My lord, replied the boy, I will give you two if you will tell me where He is not.

495. A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dreadful conflagration of the Theatre Royal Covent Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury Lane, received a letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know, by the return of post, if it was he that was really burned or not.

496. A gentleman who lived in Great Turnstile, Holborn, being the subject of conversation in a party, a person inquired where he lived, if he had a large house, kept a good table, &c. Oh! yes, answered another, he lives in the greatest stile in Holborn.

497. Gentleman and ladies,—said the facetious Beau Nash, the then master of the ceremonies for Bath, introducing a most lovely woman into the ball-room,—this is Mrs. Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson’s choice, but never had the pleasure to view it until now, and you must coincide with me that it reflects credit on his taste.

498. A gentleman on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. Thirty-three hairs! exclaimed his lordship; Zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a wig.

499. During Lord Townshend’s residence in Dublin, as viceroy, he often went in disguise through the city. He had heard much of the wit of a shoeblack, known by the name of Blind Peter, whose stand was always at the Globe Coffee-house door; having found him out, he stopped to get his boots cleaned; which was no sooner done than his lordship asked Peter to give him change for a guinea. A guinea! your honour, said the ragged wit, change for a guinea from me! Sir, you may as well ask a Highlander for a knee-buckle. His lordship was so well pleased, that he left him the gold.

500. A late nobleman, who was very avaricious, was upon the same good terms with his lady as the elements of water and lightning when they encounter in the atmosphere. I am of opinion, my lord, said her ladyship, that you would marry the devil’s daughter, after my decease, if her dowry were equal to your expectations. That is impossible, my lady, replied the earl, for it is contrary to the law of England to marry two sisters.

501. A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, his wife sent his servant for him about twelve. John, said he, go home and tell your mistress it can be no more. The man returned, by his mistress’s order, again at one, the answer then was, it could be no less. But, sir, said the man, day has broke. With all my heart, replied the master, he owes me nothing. But the sun is up, sir. And so he ought to be, John, ought he not? He has farther to go than we have, I am sure.

502. A noisy talkative spark, who had a handsome place in the king’s revenue, more than he merited, was holding an argument one day with a gentleman, at a public coffee-house; the controversy turned upon some point of government, and his antagonist, who had somewhat galled him by the strength of his argument, referred him to such a place in history, where he would find how much he was mistaken in the dispute. Phoo, said said he, d’ye think I have no other business but to read histories? Faith, said the other, ’tis pity you had, till you had read a little more.

503. Susan, a country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a present of a 5l. bank note for her marriage portion. Her mistress wished to see the object of Susan’s favour; and a very diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his appearance. Ah, Susan, said her mistress, what a strange choice you have made! La, ma’am, said Susan, in such hard times as these, when almost all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this can you expect for a 5l. note?

504. There happened, when Swift was at Larcone in Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the auction, just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger (Swift’s clerk) bid for them, but was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. What, Roger, won’t you buy the poultry? exclaimed Swift. No, sir, said Roger, I see they are just a going to Hatch.

505. In a debate on the leather tax, in 1795, in the Irish House of Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P——) observed, with great emphasis, That, in the prosecution of the present war, every man ought to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. Mr. Vaudelure said, that however that might be, the tax on leather would be severely felt by the barefooted peasantry of Ireland. To which Sir Boyle Roache replied, that this could be easily remedied, by making the under-leathers of wood.

506. Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman in the service of the United States, during the American war, chanced to take three Hessian prisoners himself, without any assistance. Being asked by the commander in chief how he had taken them? I surrounded them, was the answer.

507. A seedsman being held to bail for having used inflammatory language respecting the reform bill, a wag observed, It was probably in the line of his profession—to promote business, he wished to sow sedition.

508. When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick’s chair came up first. Let me get into the chair, cried the surly veteran—let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern. By all means, said Garrick; I shall ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in anything.

509. The late Richard Russel, esq. had a renter’s share at Drury Lane, where he used to go almost every evening; and, notwithstanding his immense fortune, his penury was so great, that rather than give a trifle to any of the women who attended in the lobby-box to take care of his great coat on an evening, he used constantly to pledge it for a shilling, at a pawnbroker’s near the theatre, and redeem it when the performance was over, which cost him one halfpenny interest.

510. A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his drawing salve, and reciting many instances of its success, was interrupted by an old woman, who asserted, rather iron-ically, that she had seen it draw out of a door four rusty tenpenny nails, that defied the united efforts of two of the strongest blacksmiths, with their hammers and pincers.

511. At the close of that season in which Shuter, the comedian, first became so universally and deservedly celebrated in his Master Stephen, in the revived comedy of Every Man in his Humour, he was engaged for a few nights, in a principal city in the north of England. It happened that the coach in which he went down (and in which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common by a highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man—Money! returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant; Oh! Lord, sir, they never trusts me with any; for nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour! Upon which the highwayman giving him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shiling; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, with great satisfaction and merriment, pursued his journey, laughing heartily at his fellow-traveller.

512. This excellent comedian was once in disgrace with the audience, in consequence of irregularities:—they demanded an apology. Shuter was somewhat tardy; and a lady was going on with her part; but the audience called out, Shuter! Shuter!—the arch comedian peeped from behind the curtain, and said, Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the fault is entirely my own. This put the house in good humour, and Shuter was received with applause.

513. Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in an action then about to commence. It was not long before the Englishman’s leg was shot off by a cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him to the doctor according to their agreement, the other very readily complied; but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his back when a second ball struck off the poor fellow’s head. Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not perceived his friend’s last misfortune, but continued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with the headless trunk, asked him where he was going? To the doctor, said Paddy. To the doctor! said the officer, why, blockhead, the man has lost his head. On hearing this, he flung the body from his shoulders, and looking at it very attentively, By my shoul, said he, he told me it was his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he was always a great liar.

514. C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a pair of small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a pattern. When the new ones came home, Charles complained that there was no fob. I didn’t think you wanted one, said Snip, since I found the duplicate of your watch in the old pocket!

515. What’s the matter? inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. Matter! matter enough, (exclaimed the delinquent,) pressing a poor negro to get oil.

516. In a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match, I think you want the brimstone. To which she replied, No, not the brimstone, only the spark.

517. A mischievous English rider, who happened to sleep at an inn with an Irishman, whose naked leg was hanging over the bed, wantonly buckled a spur round his ancle. In tossing about in his slumbers, Pat drew his foot across the other leg, and mangled it most cruelly. On discovering his situation, he knocked up the bootjack-boy, and swore at him for an awkward scoundrel, for taking off his boots and letting a spur remain on.

518. An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. Sancta Maria, exclaimed the good Hibernian, is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his father was born!

519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rockingham, a man of immense fortune, finding himself at the point of death, desired a friend who was present, to open him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that he might put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change his linen when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told that the shirt I die in must be the nurse’s perquisite, and that is good enough for her!—This was as bad as the old woman, who, with her last breath, blew out an inch of candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark!

520. An officer had the misfortune to be severely wounded in an engagement. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who was also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so irritated the officer, who bore his own suffering in silence, that he exclaimed, What do you make such a noise for? Do you think nobody is killed but yourself?

521. The love of long christian names by the Spaniards has frequently been an object of ridicule. A Spaniard on his travels arrived in the night at a little village in France, in which there was but one hotel. As it was almost midnight, he knocked at the door a long while without hearing any one stir. At length the host putting his head out of his chamber window, asked who was there? The Spaniard replied, Don Juan Pedro Hernandez Rodriguez Alvarez de Villa-nova, Count de Malafra, Cavallero de Santiago de Alcantara. Mercy on me! said the host, as he shut the window, I have but two spare beds, and you ask me lodging for a score!

522. A gentleman, of the name of Pepper, having informed a noble amateur in the sports of the field, that he had a very hot and lively horse, which had flung him in the course of a chase on the preceding day, a conversation ensued on the qualities of the animal. In reply to a question as to the name of the horse, the gentleman stated that he had not yet given it one, and was at a loss what to call him. A name, a name, said Lord N., why, sir, you should call him Peppercaster.

523. A wag passing through a country town, observed a fellow placed in the stocks. My friend, said he, I advise you by all means to sell out. I should have no objection, your honour, he replied drily, but at present they seem much too low.

524. Two Irishmen about to be hanged during the rebellion of 1798, the gallows was erected over the margin of a river. When the first man was drawn up, the rope gave way, he fell into the stream, and escaped by swimming. The remaining culprit, looking up to the executioner, said, with genuine native simplicity, and an earnestness that evinced his sincerity, Do, good Mr. Ketch, if you please, tie me up tight, for, if the rope breaks, I’m sure to be drowned, for I can’t swim a stroke.

525. A country justice of the peace, when upwards of seventy years of age, married a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that he was likely to be rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared. Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called upon him, after the first salutations were passed, he was sure to begin the conversation, by saying, he believed he could tell them news. Why, said he, I have married my tailor’s daughter. If he was asked why he did so? the old gentleman replied, Why, the father suited me so well for forty years past, that I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years to come.

526. Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen’s Chapel; the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that in consequence he should wear on his forehead a label, ‘To let.’ To which the facetious critic rejoined, I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, ‘unfurnished’?

527. A certain person asking a merry Andrew, why he played the fool? For the same reason, said he, that you do, out of want—you do it for want of wit, and I do it for want of money.

528. David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. Rigby’s seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough formed one of the party. Observing the potent appetite of the learned doctor, Garrick indulged in some coarse jests on the occasion, to the great amusement of the company, the doctor excepted; who, when the laugh had subsided, thus addressed the party:—Gentlemen, you must doubtless suppose from the extreme familiarity with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat me, that I am an acquaintance of his; but I can assure you that, till I met him here, I never saw him but once before, and then I paid five shillings for the sight. Roscius was silent.

529. Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant who served George the Third, was a great favourite with the king, and used to be admitted to the royal hunts. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered affably into conversation with him, and they rode side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. What’s that? what’s that Walsingham has been saying to you? inquired the good-humoured monarch. I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your majesty; but your majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together! The king laughed heartily at the whimsical apology.

530. In the campaign of 1812, a distinguished officer of the French army was severely wounded in the leg. The surgeons on consulting, declared that amputation was indispensable. The general received the intelligence with much composure. Among the persons who surrounded him, he observed his valet-de-chambre, who showed by his profound grief the deep share which he took in the melancholy accident. Why do you weep, Germain? said his master, smiling to him. It is a fortunate thing for you: you will have only one boot to clean in future.

531. So ungrateful was the sound of ‘Wilkes and No. 45’ (the famous number of the ‘North Briton’) deemed to be to a high personage, that about 1772, a Prince of the Blood (George IV.) then a mere boy, having been chid for some boyish fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, is related to have done so by stealing to the king’s apartments, and shouting at the door, ‘Wilkes and 45 for ever!’ and running away. It is hardly necessary to add, (for who knows not the domestic amiableness of George III.?) that his majesty laughed at the thing with his accustomed good humour.

532. Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation, that the ship was on fire near the magazine. If that be the case, said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, we shall soon know it. The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished. Afraid! exclaimed Howe, what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, Pray how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks.

533. The late Councillor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, who drudged in his profession till he was near eighty, being a king’s counsel, frequently went circuit, as judge of assize when any one of the twelve judges was prevented by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted before him at Wexford for bigamy; and when the learned counsel came to pass sentence, after lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the nature of his uxorious crime, added, The only punishment which the law authorizes me to inflict is, that you be transported to parts beyond the seas for the term of seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape with so mild a punishment, for I would sentence you for the term of your natural life—to live in the same house with both your wives.

534. A tailor following the army, was wounded in the head by an arrow. When the surgeon saw the wound, he told his patient, that as the weapon had not touched his brain, there was no doubt of his recovery. The tailor said, If I had possessed any brains, I should not have been here.

535. A young woman had laid a wager she would descend into a vault, in the middle of the night, and bring from thence a skull. The person who took the wager, previously hid himself in the vault, and as the girl seized a skull, cried, in a hollow voice, Leave me my head! There it is, said the girl, throwing it down, and catching up another. Leave me my head! said the same voice. Nay, nay, said the heroic lass, you cannot have two heads: so brought the skull, and won the wager.

536. The daughter of a respectable farmer in Carmarthenshire, was lately betrothed to a young man in the neighbourhood of Tenby; but lovers’ quarrels occurring about three weeks before the day appointed for the marriage, the swain turned on his heel, and immediately proposed to another sister, who assented, without hesitation, on the ground of its being too great a sacrifice to lose such a nice young man out of the family; and, on the day named for the former marriage, the latter took place.

537. The Princess of Conti, daughter of Louis XIV., speaking to the ambassador of Morocco, highly disapproved of the plurality of wives which prevails among the Mahomedans. We should only require one, replied the gallant ambassador, if each resembled you, madam.

538. The Laird of M’N—b was writing to one of his Dulcineas from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a gentleman of his acquaintance observed that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. How can a man write grammar with a pen like this? exclaimed the Highland chieftain.

539. In a village of Picardy, after a long sickness, a farmer’s wife fell into a lethargy. Her husband was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain; and so, according to the custom of that country, she was wrapped in a sheet, and carried out to be buried. But, as ill-luck would have it, the bearers carried her so near a hedge, that the thorns pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from her trance. Some years after, she died in reality; and, as the funeral passed along, the husband would every now and then call out, Not too near the hedge, not too near the hedge, neighbours.

540. The Germans sleep between two beds; and it is related, that an Irish traveller, upon finding a feather-bed thus laid over him, took it into his head that the people slept in strata, one upon the other, and said to the attendant, Will you be good enough to tell the gentleman or lady that is to lay over me, to make haste, as I wish to go to sleep.

541. When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant of office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? With the devil’s! replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. And shall the instrument, said the earl coolly, run as usual, Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?—a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.

542. A fire happening at a public-house, one of the crowd was requesting the engineer to play against the wainscot: but being told it was in no danger, I am sorry for that, said he, because I have a long score upon it, which I shall never be able to pay.

543. Among the curiosities at Apsley House, is the truckle bed in which the Duke of Wellington slept. Why it is so narrow? exclaimed a friend; there is not room to turn in it. Turn in it! cried his grace, when once a man begins to turn in bed, it is time to turn out.

544. A person of the name of Fish, having made a short trip in a balloon, on coming again to terra firma, was seized with a swoon. A gentleman asking one of the crowd collected around him, What was the matter? was answered, Nothing but a flat fish, who has been out of his element.

545. I can’t conceive, said one nobleman to another, how it is that you manage: I am convinced that you are not of a temper to spend more than your income; and yet, though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do. My lord, said the other, I have a situation. A situation! you amaze me, I never heard of it till now—pray what is it? I am my own steward.

546. A gentleman remarked the other day to an Irish baronet, that the science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection; for that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern objects at an incredible distance. My dear fellow, replied the good-humoured baronet, I have one at my lodge in the county of Wexford that will be a match for it; it brought the church of Enniscorthy so near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing psalms.

547. A clergyman was reproving a married couple for their frequent dissensions, which were very unbecoming both in the eye of God and man, seeing, as he observed, that they were both one. Both one! cried the husband, Was your reverence to come by our door sometimes, you would swear we were twenty.

548. A person whose name was Gun, complaining to a friend, that his attorney, in his bill, had not let him off easily, That is no wonder, said he, as he charged you too high.

549. A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of Eden was certainly placed in Scotland. For said he, have we not, all within a mile of one another, Adam’s Mount, the Elysian Fields, Paradise Place, and the city of Eden-burgh?

550. A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But then, his condition; how can I introduce him? Nonsense, replied his companion, introduce him as a Livery-man of the city.

551. A gentleman perceiving the common-crier of Bristol unemployed, inquired the reason: I can’t cry to-day, sir, said he, my wife is just dead.

552. Truth is not unfrequently extracted by accident. Mr. L., whose police office is frequently clamorous with the litigators of shilling warrants, suddenly called out, Silence there! There’s been, added he, two or three people committed already, and I have not heard a word they have said.

553. A wag called on his friend at his country-house, and perceiving him running very fast through his grounds to meet him, told the gentleman he was very sorry to see him go on so ill? Why so? replied the other. I see, rejoined the wag, you are running through your estate very fast.

554. An Irish captain being on the ocean, many leagues from the most remote part of land, beheld at a short distance four sail of ships, and in the joy of his heart exclaimed, Arrah! my lads, pipe all hands on deck to behold this rich landscape.

555. An Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a village near London, who advertised that he intended to keep a Sunday-school twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, reminds us of the mock mayor of a place in the west, who declared on his election, that he was resolved to hold his Quarter Sessions monthly.

556. A Londoner told his friend he was going to Margate for a change of hair. You had better, said the other, go to the wig-maker’s shop.

557. When Lieutenant O’Brien (who was called Sky-rocket Jack) was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was on the carriage of a gun, and being brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, I hope, sir, you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the ship in so great a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself.

558. An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying on the street. No, no, said he, I’ll have nothing to do with you; I lost three shillings by your brother yesterday.

559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician and apothecary he made use of, to look so well at his time of life. Sire, replied the gentleman, my physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass.

560. A poor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognised by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me confirmed as often as I can: they tell me it is good for the rheumatis.

561. A dancer said to another person, You cannot stand so long upon one leg as I can. True, answered the other, but a goose can.

562. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be admitted on the stage. As a specimen of his dramatic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of Hamlet,

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

Quin, indignant at the man’s absurd elocution, exclaimed, very decisively, No question, upon my honour; not to be, most certainly.

563. An Irishman going to be hanged, begged that the rope might be tied under his arms instead of round his neck; for, said Pat, I am so remarkably ticklish in the throat, that if tied there, I will certainly kill myself with laughing.

564. A respectable surgeon in London, making his daily round to see his patients, had occasion to call at a house in Charing Cross, where he left his horse to the care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the streets. On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expected to find his trusty servant treating himself with a ride; but no—Mordecai knew the use of time and the value of money a little better;—he was letting the horse to little boys in the street, a penny a ride to the Horse Guards and back!

565. At the breaking up of a tavern dinner, two of the party fell down stairs, the one tumbling to the first landing place, the other rolling to the bottom:—it was observed, that the first seemed dead drunk. Yes, said a wag, but he’s not so far gone as the gentleman below.

566. When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was landed at Palermo, Lord Nelson’s coxswain was very active in conveying it to the ambassador’s hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and presenting the man with a moidore, said, Now, my friend, what will you have to drink? Why, please your honour, said the coxswain, I am not thirsty. But, said her ladyship, Nelson’s steersman must drink with me, so what will you take, a dram, a glass of grog, or a glass of punch? Why, said Jack, as I am to drink with your ladyship’s honour, it would not be good manners to be backward, so I’ll take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass of grog while your ladyship is mixing the tumbler of punch for me.

567. When Paddy Blake heard an English gentleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty times, he very promptly observed, Poh! faith that’s nothing at all, to the echo in my father’s garden, in the county of Galway; there, honey, if you were to say to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake? it would answer, Very well, I thank you, sir.

568. When a late duchess of Bedford was at Buxton, in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into a shock of the nervous system. Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered, for a nervous complaint, was asked, in her turn, What brought her to Buxton? I came only for pleasure, answered the healthy duchess; for, thank goodness, I was born before nerves came into fashion.

569. As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a woman came, and pulled him by the sleeve, in the middle of the service. Sir, sir, I want to speak with you. Prithee wait, woman, till I have done. No, sir; I must speak to you immediately. Well, then, what is the matter? Why, sir, you are going to bury a man who died of the small pox, near my poor husband, who never had it.

570. What have you to say, old Bacon-face? said a counsellor to a farmer, at a late Cambridge assizes. Why, answered the farmer, I am thinking that my bacon face and your calf’s head would make a very good dish.

571. A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed each to watch four hours in the night, in turn, for the sake of security. The barber’s lot came first, who shaved the scholar’s head while he was asleep, then waked him when his turn came. The scholar, scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, you wretch of a barber, you have waked the bald man instead of me.

572. A man much addicted to drinking, being extremely ill with a fever, a consultation was held in his bed-chamber by three physicians, how to cure the fever, and abate the thirst. Gentlemen, said he, I will take half the trouble off your hands; you cure the fever, and I will abate the thirst myself.

573. Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of Margaret Styles, who was much addicted to drinking. Though frequently admonished by him, he one day found her at the bottom of a ditch, with a bundle of sticks, with which, being in her old way, she had tumbled in. The dean, after severely rebuking her, asked her, where she thought of going to? (meaning after her death). I’ll tell you, sir, said she, if you will help me up. When he had assisted her, and repeated his question—Where do I think of going to? said she, where the best liquor is, to be sure!

574. A gentleman having engaged to fight a main of cocks, directed his feeder in the country, who was a son of the sod, to pick out two of the best, and bring them to town. Paddy, having made his selection, put the two cocks together into a bag, and brought them with him in the mail-coach. When they arrived, it was found upon their journey they had almost torn each other to pieces; on which Paddy was severely taken to task for his stupidity, in putting both cocks into one bag. Indeed, said the honest Hibernian, I thought there was no risk of their falling out, as they were going to fight on the same side.

575. In the late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, esq. a banker, and member for Dublin, rendered himself so very obnoxious to the rebels, in consequence of his vigilance in bringing them to punishment, that whenever they found any of his bank-notes in plundering a house, the general cry was, By Jasus! we’ll ruin the rascal! we’ll destroy every note of his we can find: and they actually destroyed, it is supposed, upwards of 20,000l. worth of his notes during the rebellion.

576. An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, I am eldest, said he, but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age.

577. A reverend gentleman seeing a fishwoman skinning some eels, said to her, How can you be so cruel? don’t you think you put them to a great deal of pain? Why, your honour, she replied, I might when I first began business; but I have dealt in them twenty years, and by this time they must be quite used to it.

578. A gentleman crossing the water lately below Limehouse, and wanting to learn the price of coals in the pool, hailed one of the labourers at work in a tier of colliers, with Well, Paddy, how are coals? Black as ever, your honour, replied the Irishman.

579. An English labourer in Cheshire attempting to drown himself, an Irish reaper, who saw him go into the water, leaped after him, and brought him safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second time, the reaper a second time got him out; but the labourer being determined to destroy himself, watched an opportunity and hanged himself behind the barn door. The Irishman observed him, but never offered to cut him down; when, several hours afterwards, the master of the farm-yard asked him upon what ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang there? Faith, replied Patrick, I don’t know what you mean by ground: I know I was so good to him that I fetched him out of the water two times—and I know, too, he was wet through every rag, and I thought he hung himself up to dry, and you know, I could have no right to prevent him.

580. A devout lady offered up a prayer to St. Ignatius, for the conversion of her husband; a few days after the good man died. What a good saint is our Ignatius, exclaimed the consolable widow, he bestows on us more benefits than we ask for!

581. An author, who had given a comedy into the hands of a manager for his perusal, called on him for his opinion of the piece. Whilst the poor author in trembling anxiety expected the fate of his performance, the manager returned the play with a grave face, saying, Sir, depend upon it this is a thing not to be laughed at.

582. An Irish officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him: You see, said he, that a man never loses by politeness.

583. A quartermaster in a regiment of light horse, who was about six feet high, and very corpulent, was joking with an Irishman concerning the natural proneness of his countrymen to make bulls in conversation. By my soul, said the Irishman, Ireland never made such a bull in all her lifetime as England did when she made a light horseman of you.

584. An Hibernian officer, being once in company with several who belonged to the same corps, one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay a dozen of claret, that the Irishman made a bull before any other of the party. Done, said Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of puzzling him, he was asked how many bulls there were in that town. Five, said he. How do you make them out? said the other. Faith, said he, there is the Black Bull in the market-place, and the Red Bull over the way; then there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge, and the White Bull at the corner. They are but four, said the other. Why arrah, said he, there is the Dim Cow in the butcher-row. That’s a bull, said the other. By Jasus, then I have won my wager, said he, and you have made the bull and not me.

585. A noble lord, not very courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honour as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel; but just as he came to the Porter’s Lodge an empty hearse came by; on which his lordship’s antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known, called out to the driver, Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I’ll send you a fare. This operated so strongly on his lordship’s nerves that he begged the officer’s pardon, and returned home with a whole skin.

586. A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired, previous to his departure, to have his bill; which being brought, he found a large quantity of port placed to his servant’s account, and questioned him about having had so many bottles of wine. Please yer honour, cried Pat, read how many they charge me. The gentleman began, One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto. Stop, stop, stop, master, exclaimed Paddy, they are cheating you; I know I had some bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto.

587. A farm was lately advertised in a newspaper in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest glow of rural description, and which was further enhanced with this N.B. There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of the neighbourhood.

588. An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, he scratched his head, and said, Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you? what would your honour have me tell him?

589. An Irish gentleman called at the General Post Office, and inquired whether there were any letters for him; the clerk asked for his address. Sure, said he, you will find it on the back of the letter.—A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gentleman inquired if there was any letter for him. The clerk asked his name; he replied, What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask any gentleman’s name? Give me my letter, that’s all you have to do!

590. An Irish labourer being told that the price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed, This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend.

591. An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in these words every night when he went to his hammock: God be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me; God bless the world, and success to the British navy.

592. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a motto. There is one from Hamlet, said the wit, that will match you to a button-hole, “List, list; oh! list.”

593. A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to ask pardon of the House of Commons on his knees, when he rose up, he brushed the knees of his breeches, saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life.

594. A justice of the peace, who was possessed with the itch of scribbling, and had written a book which he meant to publish, sent it to Ben Jonson for his opinion, who, finding it full of absurdities, returned it, with his compliments, and recommended his worship to send it to the house of correction.

595. One day Charlotte Smith was walking along Piccadilly, when the tray of a butcher’s boy came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and dirtied her dress. The deuce take the tray, exclaimed she, in a pet. Ah, but the deuce can’t take the tray, replied young rump-steak, with the greatest gravity.

596. George the First, on a journey to Hanover, stopped at a village in Holland, and while the horses were getting ready, he asked for two or three eggs, which were brought him, and charged two hundred florins. How is this? said his majesty, eggs must be very scarce in this place. Pardon me, said the host, eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scarce. The king smiled, and ordered the money to be paid.

597. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was thus accosted by his landlord: John, I am going to raise your rent. John replied, Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.

598. Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep towards the metropolis; when one of them accosted him with, Prithee, Jack, which is the way to Windsor? How did you know my name was Jack? said the boy, staring in their faces. We are conjurors, young Hobnail, said the gentlemen, laughing. Oh! be you! then you don’t want I to show you the way to Windsor, replied the lad, pursuing his journey.

599. Two gentlemen were walking in the High Street, Southampton, one day, about that hour which the industrious damsels of the mop and brush usually devote to cleansing the pavement before the door. It happened that the bucket used upon such occasions was upon the stones, and one of the gentlemen stumbled against it. My dear friend, exclaimed the other, I lament your death exceedingly! My death! Yes, you have just kicked the bucket. Not so, rejoined his friend, I have only turned a little pale (pail).

600. A bill was once brought into the House of Assembly at Jamaica, for regulating wharfingers. Mr. P. Phipps, a distinguished member, rose and said, Mr. Speaker, I very much approve of the bill; the wharfingers are all a set of knaves; I was one myself ten years.

601. An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near the Seven Dials, and underneath was written, A. Moon, the man’s name who kept it being Aaron Moon. The Irishman, thinking he had discovered a just cause for triumph, roared out to his companion, Only see, Phelim! see here! they talk of the Irish bulls; only do but see now! here’s a fellow puts up the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon.

602. A grocer, in Dublin, announces that he has whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while he was in Ireland.

603. A servant girl, who always attended divine service, but who also could not read, had, from constant attendance, got the service by rote, and could repeat it extremely well. But a few Sundays previous to her marriage, she was accompanied in the same pew by her beau, to whom she did not like it to be known that she could not read; she, therefore, took up the prayer-book, and held it before her. Her lover wished to have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for her, she held it upside down. The man astonished, said, Good heavens! why you have the book wrong side upwards. I know it, sir, said she, confusedly, I always read so, I am left-handed.

604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an elegant negligée dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. Waiter, said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr! Quin, in a voice of thunder, immediately vociferated, Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-ll, and strong as d—t—n. The beau, starting, exclaimed in his feminine way, Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman’s name? Quin, in the same tremendous tone, exclaimed, Waiter, pray what is that lady’s name?

605. An old female methodist preached about the country, that she had been eleven months in heaven. One of the audience started up and said, It was a pity that she did not stay the other odd month, as she might then have gained a legal settlement.

606. Two actors belonging to Covent Garden Theatre, being on their way to Brighton, stopped at an inn to change horses, where there was a coach coming towards London, waiting the same accommodation, on the roof of which was seated a farmer’s man, who hailed the two actors thus: So, masters, you are going a mumming I see. How the devil does that fellow know we are performers? said one of the actors. Don’t you see he’s on the stage himself? replied the other.

607. The tradesmen of a certain great man, having dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant one morning to admit the tailor who had not been so constant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his appearance, My friend, said he to him, I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that I’ll never pay you a farthing! Now go home, mind your business, and don’t lose your time by calling here.—As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have no affection, and they may come as often as they choose.

608. Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, when a certain bill was brought into the House of Lords, said, among other things, That he prophesied last winter this bill would be attempted in the present session, and he was sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet. Lord Coningsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the house to remark, That his right reverend friend had set himself forth as a prophet; but for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him to, unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by his own ass. The bishop, in a reply, with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude attack, concluding thus:—Since the noble lord had discovered in our manners such a similitude, I am content to be compared to the prophet Balaam; but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out the other part of the parallel; where is the ass? I am sure I have been reproved by nobody but his lordship.

609. A man in the habit of travelling, complained to his friend, that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad; he was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. Oh! that would be still worse, replied the hero, the thieves would rob me of them also.

610. When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with irons, who had long been a terror to the country. Among others was a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, Ah! sir, I did not expect that from you; indeed, I did not; for you well know, that when all the country refused your notes, I took them.

611. When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the delay of which had quite exhausted the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the following terms:—“Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him.” To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor replied in this smart retort: “Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything.”

612. A man was sitting in his study at work, when one of his neighbours came running to tell him that the back part of his house must be on fire, as it smoked excessively: Oh! answered the man, be so good as to tell my wife, for I do not concern myself at all with the housekeeping.

613. An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell asleep during the sermon, and unluckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which making a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, So, you jade, there’s another jug broke.

614. The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout Catholic, passing one day from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best actors in Europe, in the display of counterfeit misery, her ladyship’s notice was particularly attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched than the rest, and she asked him, Pray, my good man, what is the matter with you? The fellow, who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, answered, Oh! my lady, I’m deaf and dumb. Poor man! replied the innocent lady, how long have you been so? Ever since I had the fever last Christmas. The poor lady presented him with half-a-crown, and went away commiserating his misfortune.

615. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman with large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son’s heart. One day he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon entered on the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glowing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, and then descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, and expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I’ll cut you off with a shilling! Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and, looking archly at his father, said, Then, sir, you must borrow it. Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.

616. About the year 1762, a colonel in command in the West Indies, was ordered to disembark his corps for the attack of one of the islands. In stepping into a boat he fell overboard, and the current was carrying him rapidly from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after him, kept him afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and put him on board again in safety. One of Jack’s mess-mates having observed the colonel put something into the hand of his deliverer, stepped up to him, and exclaimed, Dam—me, Jack, you’re in luck to-day, aye! and eagerly opening his hand, expected at least to share in a can of grog; but on discovering the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, and whispered his messmate, Never mind, Jack, every man knows the value of his life best.

617. A rich, but miserly man, invited a poor acquaintance to dine with him, and when they were seated at table, helped him to a very small piece of meat; upon which, the poor man, starting from his chair, exclaimed, I’m blind! I’m blind! I’m blind! The other, astonished at this sudden misfortune, begged his guest to resume his seat, and try if he could not see at all; on this, the poor man, taking up his plate, said, I think I can see a little bit.

618. A gentleman happening to remark, one intensely hot evening, that Parliament would soon be dissolved, a young lady immediately added, So shall we all, if this weather continues.

619. Soon after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley, taking a walk, met a stout Indian begging, and saying he could get no work. The governor told him to go to his house, and he would give him work. But, said the negro, why you no work, massa? O, said the governor, my head works. The man, however, turned out an idle good-for-nothing fellow, and his master found it necessary one day to have him flogged. With this view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it to the keeper of the workhouse. The negro, suspecting its contents, committed it to the care of one of his comrades, who got a sound whipping for his trouble. The governor having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so? O, massa, said he, head work.

620. When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he gave frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, not excepting the ambassador of France, with whose nation we were then on the point of breaking. In return, the Abbé de Ville, the French ambassador, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. The Abbé was a man of vivacity, and fond of punning. Agreeable to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these terms: “The Rising Sun, my master,” alluding to the device and motto of Louis XIV.; which was pledged by the whole company. It came then to the Baron de Reisback’s turn to give a toast; and he, to countenance the Abbé, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress queen; which was greatly applauded. The turn then came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all eyes were fastened; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still.

621. A Frenchman having called for some liquor at a public-house in England, was surprised at receiving it in a glass, alleging, he thought it appeared very little. You have enough for your money, replied the host, gruffly. That may be, said the other, but in France they always bring it in a measure. Ay, said the landlord, like enough; but we do not want to introduce French measures here.

622. The Khalif Haroun Alraschid was accosted one day by a poor woman, who complained that his soldiers had pillaged her house, and laid waste her grounds. The khalif desired her to remember the words of the Koran, That when princes go forth to battle, the people, through whose fields they pass, must suffer. Yes, said the woman, but it is also written in the same book, that the habitations of those princes, who authorize the injustice, shall be made desolate. This bold and just reply had a powerful effect on the khalif, who ordered immediate reparation to be made.

623. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was about to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a glance of her countenance, and instantly exclaimed, Love and bless you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes! It is said the duchess was so delighted with this compliment, that she frequently afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her charms, by saying, Oh! after the dustman’s compliment, all others are insipid.

624. A man carrying a cradle, was stopped by an old woman, and thus accosted: So, sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony. Softly, softly, old lady, said he, you mistake, this is merely the fruit-basket.

625. A Jew who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-travellers hanged; and being asked, Why he did not get about his business, he said, He waited to see if he could bargain with Maisther Ketsch for the two gentlemen’s clothes.

626. An English drummer having strolled from the camp, approached the French lines, and before he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and carried before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in a drummer’s uniform. On being questioned, however, he honestly told the truth, and declared who and what he was. This not gaining credit, a drum was sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he readily performed, and thus removed the Frenchman’s suspicion of his assuming a fictitious character. But, my lad, said he, let me now hear you beat a retreat. A retreat? replied the drummer; I don’t know what it is, nor is it known in the English service! The French officer was so pleased with this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor fellow, with a letter of recommendation to his general.

627. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I hope you’ll mend. Madam, said he, you may depend upon it, this is my last folly.

628. Susan, said an Irish footman the other day to his fellow servant, what are the joy bells ringing for again? In honour of the Duke of York’s birthday, Mr. Murphy. Be aisy now, rejoined the Hibernian, none of your blarney—sure ’twas the Prince Regent’s on Tuesday, and how can it be his brother’s to-day, unless, indeed, they were twins?

629. When General R— was quartered at a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage, by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities, and fresh tales of distress. At last the general’s charity and the lady’s patience were nearly exhausted, though their petitioner’s wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, at the accustomed hour, and close by the side of the carriage, the old woman began—Agh! my lady, success to your ladyship, and success to your honour’s honour this morning, of all the days in the year, for sure didn’t I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of ta (tea) and that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco. But, my good woman, said the general, don’t you know that dreams always go by the rule of contrary? Do they so, plase your honour? rejoined the old woman; then it must be your honour that will give me the ta, and her ladyship that will give me the ’bacco.

630. A party of bon vivants, who had recently dined at a celebrated tavern, after having drank an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. It was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company, (not quite so far gone as the rest,) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. True, sir, said Boniface, but your honour forgets the three gentlemen under the table.

631. The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, Arrah, an plase your honour, can anything be said to be lost, when you know where it is? Certainly not, replied the captain. Why then your kettle is at the bottom of the sea.

632. Amiral Keppel being sent to Algiers, for the purpose of demanding satisfaction for the injuries done to his Britannic Majesty’s subjects, by the corsairs of that state, the Dey, enraged at the boldness of the ambassador, exclaimed, that he wondered at the insolence of the English monarch, in sending him a message by a foolish beardless boy. The admiral immediately replied, That if his master had supposed wisdom was to be measured by length of beard, he would have sent his Deyship a billy-goat.

633. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squadron in the Bay of Biscay, and L’Invincible struck, Monsieur de la Jonquieu, who was the commander, was brought aboard the admiral’s ship, where seeing Le Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English vessel of superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, and said, My Lord, you have conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow.

634. A fellow who loved laughing better than his meat, put a number of rams’ horns into a basket, and went up and down the streets at the west end of the town, crying, New fruit, new fruit, ho! as loud as he could bawl. Lord —— hearing the noise, put his head out of his drawing-room window, and asked the fellow to show him his fruit; which having looked at, he asked him if he was not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet neighbourhood; for who the devil, said the peer, do you think will buy horns? Well, master, replied the fellow, do not put yourself in a passion; though you are provided, I may meet with other men that are not.

635. Dean ——, when residing on a living in the country, had occasion one day to unite a rustic couple in the holy bands of matrimony. The ceremony being over, the husband began “to sink in resolution,” and falling (as some husbands might do) into a fit of repentance, he said, Your reverence has tied this knot tightly, I fancy, but, under favour, may I ask your reverence, if so be you could untie it again? Why no, replied the Dean, we never do that on this part of the consecrated ground. Where then? cried the man eagerly. On that, pointing to the burial ground.

636. An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national feeling, was praising Ireland for the cheapness of provisions; a salmon, he said, might be bought for sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir, how came you to leave so cheap a country? Arrah, my dear honey! exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were no sixpences and twopences to be got.

637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical compliments, but one of their admired writers, speaking of a lady’s black eyes, said, That they were in mourning for the murders they had committed.

638. An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him: The font is at the other end of the church. What do I want with the font? said the old gentleman. Oh! I beg your pardon, said the clerical wit, I thought you had brought this child to be christened.

639. In a great storm at sea, when the ship’s crew were all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it—Why, said he, I was laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make when it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the vessel safe into port.

640. A bon vivant of fashion, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been seriously taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn, and being told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o’clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, which having accomplished with difficulty, his loudest effort not exceeding a whisper, he said, with the true spirit of a gambler, Doctor, I’ll bet you a bottle I live till nine!

641. Two Irish bricklayers were working at some houses, and one of them was boasting of the steadiness with which he could carry a load to any height. The other contested the point, and the conversation ended in a bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the building. The experiment was made: Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade, after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in taking him up. Without any reflection on the danger he had escaped, the loser observed to the winner, To be sure, I have lost; but don’t you remember, about the third story you made a slip—I was then in hopes.

642. The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of Sir George Staunton, has related in a recent publication, the following anecdote: My late uncle, Sir G. Staunton told me a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, Is any man well in England that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you, said he, how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are usually short.

643. The late Lord Norbury, some time since going as a judge on the Munster circuit, was, as usual, so strict in the administration of criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there were any strong grounds of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely through any slovenly flaws in the wording of their indictments, or doubts upon the testimony. Dining, as usual, with the seniors of the bar, at an inn, a gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave to help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue. Lord Norbury replied, he did not like pickled tongue; but if it had been hung, he would try it. Mr. Curran, who sat on the other side, said, that the defect was easily obviated; for if his lordship would only try it, it would certainly be hung.

644. A clergyman was reading the burial service over an Irish corpse, and having forgot which sex it was, on coming to that part of the ceremony which reads thus: our dear brother or sister, the reverend gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whispering to him, said, Is it a brother or a sister? Pat answered, Neither, it is only a relation.

645. Sir J. S. Hamilton, lounging one day in Dalby’s chocolate house, when, after a long drought there fell a torrent of rain: a country gentleman observed, This is a most delightful rain; It will bring up everything out of the ground. By Jove, sir, said Sir John, I hope not; for I have sown three wives, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again.

646. The father of an Irish student, seeing his son doing something improper, How now, sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so when I was a boy?

647. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, It was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. It is so, said her grace, but why don’t you advise him better? He seems to be a pen that everybody cuts, but nobody mends.

648. David Hume and R. B. Sheridan were crossing the water to Holland, when a high gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great apprehension lest he should go to the bottom. Why, said his friend, that will suit your genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for skimming the surface.

649. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I., But by what laws, said his opponent, was he put to death? By all the laws that he had left them.

650. An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near the inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly, with as little success; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking about, he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus: Are there any Christians in this house? No, was the reply, we are all Camerons.

651. Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine, made up for the deficiency of port by the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said, If this nut could speak, what would it say? Why, rejoined the other, it would say, give me none of your jaw.

652. A gentleman indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in his garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find the time, carried the sun-dial to his master, saying, Arrah, now look at it yourself: it is indeed all a mystery to me.

653. A gentleman in the West Indies, who had frequently promised his friends to leave off drinking, without their discovering any improvement, was one morning called on early by an intimate friend, who met the negro boy at his door. Well, Sambo, said he, where is your master? Massa gone out, sare, was the reply. And has he left off drinking yet? rejoined the first. Oh yes, sure, said Sambo, massa leave off drinking—he leave off two-tree time dis morning.

654. An Irishman having been summoned to the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of the commissioners what the plaintiff had from time to time served him with, to which he gave suitable answers. And pray, said the commissioner, what was the last thing he served you with? Why, your honour, replied the honest Hibernian, the last thing he served me with, please you, was the summons.

655. When George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the general was mad. Oh! he is mad, is he! said the king, with great quickness, then I wish he would bite some of my other generals.

656. A sailor who had served on board the Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea.

657. A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. I believe, madam, said he, I have dropped a guinea. No, sir, replied the lady, it is I that have dropped it.

658. A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, or rather uncivil, troubles for men of his kidney, in England’s rebellious days, was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he would be buried? With my face downward; for in a short time England will be turned upside down, and then I shall be right.

659. A boy having run away from school to go to sea, his friends wrote to him, that death would be perpetually staring him in the face; to which he replied, Well, what of that? every ship is provided with shrouds.

660. A facetious fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no gentleman. Are you a gentleman? asked the droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then I am very glad I am not, replied the other.

661. Why you have never opened your mouth this session, said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas, replied Mr. Gye; your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning.

662. A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner-time, upon going to a friend’s (where he was a frequent dropper in), was asked by the lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his replying he should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, Dine at home then. A quietus for some time at least.

663. As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him, and said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy? No, sir, replied the alderman. I am studying gastronomy. His friend looked astonished, and the baronet replied, Do you doubt my voracity? No, Sir William.

664. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth by monopolies and contracts, from a very low condition in life, stood up in the pit of the opera with his hat on; the Duchess of Gordon whispered to a lady, We must forgive that man: he has so short a time been used to the luxury of a hat, that he does not know when to pull it off.

665. A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.

666. A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a mango. As he rolled it along the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kind of grape very common in the East Indies: upon which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman as eminent for his wit as for his skill in his profession, neatly observed, How naturally man-goes to kiss-miss.

667. At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the table of Major Hobart, when he was Secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal toasts, The wooden walls of England! being given, Sir John Hamilton, in his turn, gave The wooden walls of Ireland! The toast being quite new, he was asked for an explanation: upon which, filling a bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of Waterford and several country gentlemen, who commanded county regiments, he said, My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving you The wooden walls of Ireland—the colonels of militia.

668. When it was debated about sending bishops to America, much was said pro and con. One gentleman wondered that anybody should object to it; For my part, said he, I wish all our bishops were sent to America.

669. Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop. Do, said the doctor, and my lord bishop will confirm you.

670. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. Why, said Ralph, they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer.

671. Piavano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his life he never spoke truth. Except, replied another, at this present moment.

672. A Cantab, who happened to be under Sir B. Harwood, when professor, was enjoined to live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The doctor called upon him one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of Madeira. Ah, doctor! exclaimed the patient, at the same time reaching out his hand to bid him welcome, I am glad to see you; you are just in time to taste the first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do—they are the cause of all your sufferings! Are they so? cried the patient, then fill your glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better.

673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary names of the months (Thermidor, Floréal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to extend the innovation to our own language, somewhat on the following model: Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy.

674. A duel, between M. de Langerie and M. de Montande, both remarkable for their ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place of fighting, M. de Langerie stared his adversary in the face, and said, I have just reflected; I can’t fight with you. With this he returned his sword to its scabbard. How, sir, what does this mean? It means that I shall not fight. What! you insult me, and refuse to give me satisfaction? If I have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you. But, sir, may one know it? It will offend you. No, sir. You assure me? Yes, I assure you. Well, sir, this it is: if we fight, according to all appearances I shall kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the kingdom. His adversary could not help laughing, and they returned to the city good friends.

675. A clergyman, on leaving church, was complimented by one of his friends on the discourse he had been delivering. South himself, exclaimed the delighted auditor, never preached a better. You are right, replied the honest divine,—it was the very best he ever did preach.

676. On a remarkably hot summer’s day, an Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned against catching cold. Catch it? said he, wiping his face, where? I wish I could catch it.

677. Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots—these attracting the notice of some of his friends, Now guess, said he, how I came by these boots? Many probable guesses then took place. No! said Sheridan, no, you’ve not hit it, nor ever will; I bought them, and paid for them.

678. A gentleman, long famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it the battle of A-gin-court.

679. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that, probably, the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honour. Well, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it. Then let the king knight her, answered the rough seaman.

680. A father, exhorting his son to early rising, related a story of a person who, early one morning, found a large purse of money. Well, replied the youth, but the person who lost it rose earlier.

681. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added, He supposed it was owing to the war. No, replied the latter, it is owing to the piece.

682. A physician being sent for, by a maker of universal specifics, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently so trifling. Not so trifling neither, replied the quack, for, to tell you the truth, I have taken some of my own pills.

683. About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of ‘The Apprentice,’ an e‘inent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, he understood, was that evening to make his debut in Lear, and entered the room at the moment he was exclaiming, “I am the king; you cannot touch me for coining.” No, you dog, cried the enraged master, catching the mad monarch by his collar, but I can for not picking the ducks.

684. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw him alight upon his master’s nose, and immediately fly off again. Ah! exclaimed the negro, me glad to see you burn your foot.

685. Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old Chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.

686. Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the times; and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons passing over their heads, he exclaimed, How happy are those pigeons! they have no acceptances to provide for. To which the other replied, You are rather in error, my friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well as we!

687. An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his recommended him to one of our famous oculists, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for a very beautiful one shown him among the rest. He actually called the next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with which he could not see.

688. An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the surgeon of the regiment, after several attempts to restore him, declaring him incurable, was discharged. He, a short time afterwards enlisted in another corps, and being recognized by an old comrade, and questioned how he learned to speak? By the powers, replied Terence, ten guineas would make any man speak.

689. A singer once complaining to Mr. Jeffery, that himself and his brother (both of whom were deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take ass’s milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he hardly knew what they should do. Do! cried Mr. Jeffery, why suck one another, to be sure.

690. A Cantab, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Stevenson, the bookseller, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you? Nah, sar, retorted the urchin, I takes ’em as they come!

691. An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he’d lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his jacket.

692. Swift’s Stella, who was an Irish lady, being extremely ill, her physician said, Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of the hill, but we shall endeavour to get you up again. She replied, Doctor, I am afraid I shall be out of breath before I get to the top again.

693. A lady observing in company, how glorious and useful a body the sun was,—Why, yes, madam, said an Irish gentleman present, the sun is a very fine body, to be sure; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more useful; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really want it; whereas we have the sun with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it.

694. Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish patriot, having, after a very sharp contest, carried the election as a representative in parliament for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days after, by a lady whose whole family were very warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candidate; Well, doctor, said she, I find you have gained the election. Yes, madam. No wonder, sir: all the blackguards voted for you. No, madam, your two sons did not, returned the doctor.

695. Anthony Pasquin one day leaning over the Margate Pier, after a tremendous storm on the preceding night, You have had a blustering night of it, said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, but after a storm comes a calm. By my sowl, and so it ought, said Pat, for the winds and the waves had a hard night’s bout of it, and it’s time for them to rest themselves.

696. An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the clergy in exacting their tithes, said, By Jasus, let a farmer be ever so poor, they won’t fail to make him pay his full tenths, whether he can or not; nay, they would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted them.

697. When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his assistance to America, Pray, doctor, said the veteran, what is the object you mean to attain? Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of Philadelphia: liberty! that freedom which is the birth-right of man. The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: I was born a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.

698. Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one went to the other’s door early in the morning, and wrote ‘Scoundrel’ upon it. The other called upon his neighbour, and was answered by his servant, that his master was not at home, but if he had anything to say he might leave it with him. No, no, said he, I was only going to return your master’s visit, as he left his name at my door this morning.

699. A robustious countryman, meeting a physician, ran to hide behind a wall; being asked the cause, he replied, It is so long since I have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face.

700. A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the Cantab demanded, Are you asleep? Why? said the student. Because, replied the other, I want to borrow half-a-crown. Then, answered the student, I’m asleep.

701. Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time, walking that way with a friend and observing the church, remarked, That it put him in mind of a fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of it.

702. A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin; a gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven’t a single one in the house. No, ma’am, said he, they’re all married, and have large families too.

703. One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoological Society’s Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited the garden incog. on a particular day. Why, said the person he was informing, It is odd we never heard of it! Oh, not at all, at all, rejoined Pat: for she didn’t come like a queen; but clane and dacent like another lady!

704. An officer in full regimentals passing through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, Hold off, you black rascal. You were as black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty.

705. Voltaire, in the presence of an Englishman, was one day enlarging with great warmth in the praise of Haller, extolling him as a great poet, a great naturalist, and a man of universal attainments. The Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. Alas! said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic indulgence, I dare to say we are both very much mistaken!

706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty King George III., it was announced that his majesty’s horse was ready to start for hunting. Sir Isaac, said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was a great deal among them. What do you think of this, then? said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an answer, added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate name, replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, for he bears the best of characters!

707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergyman, not educated in the school of Tattersall, appeared as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow? I acknowledge my ignorance, replied the clergyman: I hardly know the difference between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull; only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bowing respectfully to the counsellor, luckily for me, has none.

708. In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ.

709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, said a certain witty duchess.

710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully; during which time he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. Why, indeed, said the doctor, I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.

711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in company with the beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, Are we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace’s society in Edinburgh? Oh! said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it. Madam, replied the gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning, I won’t rise to-day.

712. Serjeant Maynard, an eminent counsellor, waiting with the body of the law upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great age, the serjeant then being near ninety. Sir, said he, you have outlived all the men of the law of your younger years. I should have outlived even the law itself, replied the serjeant, if your highness had not arrived.

713. When Skelton published his ‘Deism Revealed,’ the Bishop of London asked the Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? Oh yes, he has been a curate in my diocese near these twenty years. More shame for your lordship to allow a man of his merit to continue so long a curate in your diocese, was the reply.

714. A gentleman had a cask of Armenian wine, from which his servant stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an opening. Look if there be not a hole in the bottom, said a by-stander. Blockhead, he replied, do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom?

715. Malherbe, the famous reformer of French poetry, and of the French language, dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a sermon the same evening, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The dinner was good, the wines delicious; and the poet having freely partaken of both, began to nod, for want of enlivening conversation. When the hour came for the bishop’s going to church, he shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, It is time to start, Malherbe:—you know I am to preach this evening. Ah, my lord, said the poet, be so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very well where I am.

716. A curate of great learning and merit, but without any prospect of preferment, found an opportunity of preaching before Bishop Hough, who was so well pleased with his discourse and manner of delivery, that after service he sent his compliments to him, desiring to know his name, and where his living was. My duty to his lordship, replied the clergyman, and tell him my name is Lewis; that living I have none; but my starving is in Wales. The bishop soon after presented him to a valuable benefice.

717. King John being shewn a stately monument erected over the grave of a nobleman who had rebelled against him, and being advised to deface it, answered, No, no, I wish all my enemies were as honourably buried.

718. One day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court. To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: And please your majesty, whose fault is that? The king remained silent.

719. As two Irish soldiers were passing through Chippenham, one of them observing the Borough Arms (which have somewhat the appearance of a hatchment) over the Town-hall door, accosted his comrade with—Arrah, Pat, look up, what is that sign? Botheration, cried Pat, ’tis no sign at all, at all, ’tis only a sign that somebody’s dead that lives there.

720. The Duke of Mantua once observed to the celebrated Perron, that the court-jester was a fellow without either wit or humour. Your grace must pardon me, said Perron; I think he has a great deal of wit to live by a trade that he does not understand.

721. The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van, for the future. With all my heart, said he: by the same rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear!

722. In a life of St. Francis Navier, written by an Italian monk, it is said, That by one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a desert island!

723. During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from having fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous varlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, a respectable apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded, in the king’s name, that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon immediately produced them, adding, that as they were useless without the pestles, those also were at his majesty’s service.

724. At the battle of Dettingen, George II., who commanded in person, rode on a very unruly horse, which at one period ran away with him to a very considerable distance, until Ensign Trapand, afterwards General, seized the bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, Now that I am on my legs, I am sure that I shall not run away. At the same battle, the Gens-d’armes, the flower of the French army, made a desperate charge on the British line opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their retreat they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and forced into the river. Some years after, at a review of the above regiment, his majesty, after applauding their appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and asked him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his exultant manner, that they were the best troops in the world. The ambassador replied, Has your majesty ever seen the Gens-d’armes? No, rejoined the king, but my Greys have.

725. A cause was once tried in one of the western counties which originated in a dispute about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge observed, That it was the first time he had ever known a suit made out of a pair of breeches.

726. Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town, in a lonely street, and took away his money and coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfortune. The captain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he was robbed by the soldiers. Yes, sir, replied the poor fellow. Then, my friend, rejoined the captain, I am can assure you they do not belong to my company; otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt.

727. A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman which he thought the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips? He replied with great gallantry, Your ladyship’s two lips before all the roses in the world.

728. A gentleman, who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night—Happy girl! said the master, I wish I could give warning too.

729. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary’s widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c. into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said the learned judge, whether sweeping of physic into the street, be any proof of insanity. True, my lord, replied the counsel, but sweeping the pots away, certainly was.

730. Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who was not very often in a church), observing that the monarch and all his attendants began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are asleep, some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, and called out, Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will wake the king.

731. An Irishman, meeting an acquaintance, thus accosted him: Ah, my dear, who do you think I have just been speaking to? your old friend Patrick; faith, and he has grown so thin, I hardly knew him; to be sure, you are thin, and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put together.

732. An Irishman seeing a large quantity of potatoes standing in a market-place, observed to a by-stander, what a fine show of potatoes! Yes, they are, replied he, very fine potatoes: I see you have the name quite pat; how do you call them in your country? Ah, faith! returned the Irishman, we never call ’em; when we want any, we go and dig them.

733. During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with liberty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless Irishman, travelling from Kilmainy to Kilmore, being asked concerning his place of departure, and place of destination, answered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, I have been to kill-many, and am going to kill-more. That you shall not, said the sentinel, and immediately ran him through with his bayonet.

734. A blind man, who goes about the streets of London, whining out a long story about his misfortunes, has, amongst other prayers for the charitable and humane, the following curious wish:—May you never see the darkness which I now see!

735. Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said, You should practice more. The orator answering, I am always declaiming to myself—he replied, No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish an audience.

736. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber’s shop in Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. No, no, said the shaver; I’ll give you a penny, and if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again. The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. A penny, said Strap. I’ll gie ye a baubee, said Duncan, and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again.

737. A lady asking a gentleman, How it was that most medical men dressed in black? he replied, The meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occupied in preparing grave subjects.

738. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in an English sailor, exciting his surprise and curiosity, he went and asked the man if he was afraid. Afraid! answered the honest tar, no! I was only praying that the enemy’s shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money—the greatest part among the officers.

739. Indeed, indeed, friend Tom, said one citizen to another, you have spoiled the look of your nag by cropping his ears so close: what could be your reason for it? Why, friend Turtle, I will tell you—my horse had a strange knack of being frightened, and on very trifling occasions would prick up his ears as if he had seen the devil, and so, to cure him, I cropped him.

740. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a literary subject, Johnson quoted Greek. I do not understand Greek, said Macklin. A man who argues should understand every language, replied Johnson. Very well, said Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish.

741. A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, was asked by another, what place he had travelled from? I came straight from London, replied he. Did you so? said the other, then you have been terribly warped by the way.

742. A countryman on a trial respecting the right of a fishery at a late Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by Serjeant Cockel, who, among many other questions, asked the witness, Dost thou love fish? Yes, said the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, but I dinna like Cockle sauce with it. A roar of laughter of course followed.

743. A witness in a court, speaking in a very harsh and loud voice, the lawyer employed on the other side exclaimed, Fellow, why dost thou bark so furiously? Because, replied the rustic, I think I sees a thief.

744. When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place. Psha, sir, said George, don’t fret; when you had this old place, you were out of place; now you are in place, you can get both yourself and me a better place. The hint was taken, and old George provided for.

745. An Irish Baronet, walking out with a gentleman, was met by his nurse, who requested charity. The baronet exclaimed vehemently, I will give you nothing:—you played me a scandalous trick in my infancy. The old woman, in amazement, asked him what injury she had done to him? He answered, I was a fine boy, and you changed me!

746. Sir William B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals that were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer, do you know that I have been to two universities, and at two colleges in each university? Well, sir, said the farmer, what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked the greater calf he grew.

747. Sir W. Curtis was once present at a public dinner where the Dukes of York and Clarence formed part of the company. The president gave as a toast, The “Adelphi” (the Greek word for The Brothers). When it came to the worthy baronet’s turn to give a toast, he said, Mr. President, as you seem inclined to give public buildings, I beg leave to propose Somerset House.

748. One of his Majesty’s frigates being at anchor on a winter’s night, in a tremendous gale of wind, the ground broke, and she began to drive. The lieutenant of the watch ran down to the captain, awoke him from his sleep, and told him the anchor had come home. Well, said the captain, rubbing his eyes, I think the anchor is perfectly right; who would stay out such a night as this?

749. The Duke de Roquelaure meeting a very ugly country gentleman at court, who had a suit to offer, presented it to the king, and urged his request, saying, he was under the greatest obligations to the suitor. The king asked what were these great obligations? Ah! Sire, were it not for him I should be the ugliest man in your majesty’s dominions!

750. Archbishop Laud was a man of very short stature. Charles the First and the archbishop were one day seated at dinner, when it was agreed that Archy, the king’s jester, should say grace for them, which he did in this fashion: Great praise be given to God, but little Laud to the devil. For this sally Laud was weak enough to insist upon Archy’s dismissal.

751. Lord Chancellor Hardwicke was very fond of entertaining his visitors with the following story of his bailiff, who, having been ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the dining-room, when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship’s size.

752. An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent’s fleet, asking one of the captains, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had reckoned the number of the enemy? No, replied the captain, it will be time enough to do that when they strike.

753. Sir Charles F—— received a severe injury one day in stepping into his cabriolet. Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles? said Sir Peter L——; was it near the vertebræ? No, no, answered the baronet, it was near the Monument.

754. Fletcher, of Saltoun, is well known to have possessed a most irritable temper. His footman desiring to be dismissed, Why do you leave me? said he. Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper. To be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is off. Yes, replied the servant, but it is no sooner off than it is on.

755. King James I. mounting a horse that was unruly, cried, The de’el tak’ your saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, I’ll send ye to the five hundred kings in the House o’ Commons: they’ll sune tame ye.

756. You are a Jew, said one man to another; when I bought this pig of you it was to be a guinea, and now you demand five-and-twenty shillings, which is more than you asked. For that very reason, replied the other, I am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he asks.

757. The celebrated Hogarth was one of the most absent of men. Soon after he set up his carriage, he had occasion to pay a visit to the lord mayor. When he went the weather was fine; but he was detained by business till a violent shower of rain came on. Being let out of the mansion-house by a different door from that at which he had entered, he immediately began to call for a hackney-coach. Not one could be procured; on which Hogarth sallied forth to brave the storm, and actually reached his house in Leicester Fields without bestowing a thought on his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished to see him so wet and hurried, asked him where he had left it.

758. At a city feast one of the company was expatiating on the blessings of Providence. Ay, said the late Sir William Curtis, smacking his lips, it is a blessed place, sure enough; we get all our turtle from it.

759. When Cortez returned to Spain, he was coolly received by the emperor, Charles the Fifth. One day he suddenly presented himself to that monarch. Who are you? said the emperor, haughtily. The man, said Cortez, as haughtily, who has given you more provinces than your ancestors left you cities.

760. Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being in Spain, went to visit the famous library of the Escurial, where he found a very ignorant librarian. The king of Spain interrogated him respecting the library. ’Tis an admirable one, indeed, said he; but your majesty should give the man who has the care of it, the administration of your finances. Wherefore? asked the king. Because, replied Bautru, the man never touches the treasure that is confided to him.

761. Mademoiselle, said Louis XV. to a young lady belonging to his court, I am assured that you are very learned, and understand four or five continental tongues. I speak only two, sire, answered she, trembling. Which are they? German and Italian. Do you speak them fluently? Yes, sire, very fluently. Well, two are quite enough to drive a husband mad.

762. At a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian (an exceeding large man), Lothian, I have heard much of your agility, let us see you run up after that boy. Sire, replied Lord Lothian, it is my duty to follow your majesty.

763. A gentleman crossing a very narrow bridge, which was not railed on either side to secure passengers from falling, said to a countryman whom he met, Me-thinks this narrow causeway must be very dangerous, honest friend! pray are not people lost here sometimes? Lost! no, sir, replied the man, I never knew anybody lost here in my life; there have been several drowned, but they were always found again.

764. The Earl of P—— kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. Just at this crisis a servant maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. Well they may, said his lordship, when they have got but one silver spoon among them all.

765. Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., being one day made a butt of by his master, that prince, expecting some joke in return, said to his courtiers, I shall be soon paid for this. To which the jester replied, Not so soon as you imagine, sire; I am not prompt in paying those who are so tardy in paying others! This repartee was found the more lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the court not having for a long time received their pensions.

766. David Hartley, member for Hull, during the coalition administration, was remarkable for the length and dulness of his speeches. On one occasion, having reduced the house from three hundred to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the time it was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot Act should be read, in order to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke, who had been bursting with impatience for full an hour and a half, and who was anxious to speak to the question, finding himself about to be so disappointed, rose, exclaiming, The Riot Act, my dear friend! the Riot Act! to what purpose? Don’t you see that the mob is already completely dispersed? Every person present was convulsed with laughter, except Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still insisted that the Riot Act should be read by the clerk.

767. When Lord Townshend was lord lieutenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dublin lost no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for places. My dear Hely, said his lordship, you have a great many things, and I have nothing to give but a majority in the dragoons. I accept it then, replied the provost. What! you take a majority! answered his lordship, zounds, it is impossible; I only meant it as a joke. And I accept it, replied the provost, merely to show you how well I can take a joke.

768. A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? he answered, By a dispute. What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad; and they outvoted me.

769. When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was on his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it having blown pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him what it was. Why, replied the tar, I don’t know what name they know them by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers.

770. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who was a great punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. It is so, answered he, and therefore the foundation of all.

771. A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. How, said she, can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death? Why not, madam, said the butcher; you would not eat them alive, would you?

772. When Rochelle was besieged by the royalist armies in 1627, the inhabitants elected for their mayor, captain, and governor, Jean Guiton. This brave man at first modestly refused the office; but being pressed by all his fellow-townsmen, he took up a poignard and said, I will be mayor, since you wish it, but on the condition that I may be permitted to strike this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks of surrendering. I consent that you shall do the same to me, if I mention capitulating; and I demand that this poignard lie always ready on the table, when we assemble in the Town House. Cardinal de Richelieu, who conducted the operations of the siege, had raised a mole before the gate of the city, which shut up the entrance, and prevented provisions from reaching it. Some one saying to Guiton that many of the people had perished of hunger, and that death would soon sweep away all the inhabitants—Well, said he coolly, it will be sufficient if one remains to shut the gates.

773. Among the addresses presented upon the accession of James the First, was one from the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty might reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. Faith, mon, said the king to the person who presented it, if I do, my son must reign by candlelight.

774. A Frenchman meeting an English soldier with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to animadvert on our government for bestowing such a trifle, which did not cost them three francs. That is true, to be sure, replied the hero, it did not cost the English government three francs, but it cost the French a Napoleon.

775. Collins the poet, though of a melancholy cast of mind, was by no means averse to a jeu de mot, or quibble. Upon coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he said, How unlucky it was that he had come a day after the fair.

776. A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and ordered to be flogged. He begged to be heard, which being granted, he asked, If white man buy stolen goods, why he be no flogged too? Well, said the judge, so he would. Dere den, replied Mungo, is my massa; he buy tolen goods—he knew me tolen, and yet he buy me.

777. Some sailors, who had made a great deal of prize-money, once determined on purchasing a horse for the use of the mess; accordingly, one of them was pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon as this honest tar got on shore, he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought out a very clever-looking horse for the sailor’s inspection, which he particularly recommended to him, as being a nice, short-backed horse. Ay, that may be, said the sailor, and that is the very reason he won’t do, for there is seven of us.

778. The late Dr. Glover, well known for being one of the best companions in the world, was returning from a tavern one morning early, across Covent Garden, when a chairman cried out, A chair! your honour, a chair! Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who was a good way behind, Scrub, Scrub, Scrub! Och, indeed! says the chairman, there goes a pair o’ ye! The facetious doctor gave his countryman half-a-crown for the merry witticism.

779. A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician that he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, What, already!

780. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening, on a party of pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard anything of the doctor. Yes, answered Jack, after a turn of his quid, he was drowned last night in his medicine chest.

781. The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to table. Where shall I cut it? asked Daniel. Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess, answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home.

782. How does your new purchased horse answer? said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. I really don’t know, replied George, for I never asked him a question.

783. A young fellow once came dancing, whistling, and singing into a room where old Colley Cibber sat coughing and spitting; and, cutting a caper, triumphantly exclaimed, There, you old put, what would you give to be as young as I am? Why, young man, replied he, I would agree to be almost as foolish.

784. A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin in one of the streets in Manchester, with Come my lad, thou’lt fight for thy king, won’t thou? Voight for my king, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn out wi’ ony body?

785. After a battle lately between two celebrated pugilists, an Irishman made his way to the chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had been conveyed, and said to him, How are you, my good fellow? can you see at all with the eye that’s knocked out?

786. Two dinner-hunters meeting at Pall Mall a short time back, one inquired of the other how he had been for some days? He replied, In a very poor way indeed. I have not been able to eat anything at all. God bless me! said his hungry friend, that is extremely strange, you generally have a very good appetite, you must have been seriously ill. Oh! not at all, believe me, you misconceive my meaning; I could have eaten, but the reason why I have not been able to do so is, that no one has invited me to dinner.

787. Mr. Curran was once asked, what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England, could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue? I suppose, replied the wit, he’s trying to catch the English accent.

788. Have you anything else old? said an English lady at Rome, to a boy of whom she had bought some modern antiques; Yes, said the young urchin, thrusting forward his hat, which had seen some dozen summers, my hat is very old. The lady rewarded his wit.

789. The late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, esq., who was reputed to be the richest commoner in England, when at the age of 92, was applied to by one of his tenants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew his lease for a further term of 14 years, when, after some general observations, Mr. Jennings coolly said, Take a lease for 21 years, or you will be troubling me again!

790. Sancho, said a dying planter to his slave, for your faithful services, I mean now to do you an honour; and leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family ground. Ah, massa! replied Sancho, Sancho no good to be buried; Sancho rather have de money or de freedom; besides, if de devil should come in de dark to look for massa, he might mistake, and take de poor negar man.

791. Two gentlemen, the other day, conversing together, one asked the other, if ever he had gone through Euclid. The reply was, I have never been farther from Liverpool than Runcon, and I don’t recollect any place of that name.

792. Lady Rachel is put to bed, said Sir Boyle to a friend. What has she got? Guess. A boy? No; guess again. A girl? Who told you?

793. The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly taken very ill, the husband ordered the servant to get a horse ready to go to the next town to the doctor; by the time, however, the horse was ready, and his letter to the doctor written, the lady recovered, on which he added the following postcript, and sent off the messenger: My wife being recovered, you need not come.

794. In a company, consisting of naval officers, the discourse happened to turn on the ferocity of small animals; when an Irish gentleman present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny cat, of all animals, was the most ferocious; and added, I can prove my assertion by a fact within my own knowledge: I once, said he, saw two of these animals fighting in a timber yard, and willing to see the result of a long battle, I drove them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some boards over the mouth, left them to their amusement. Next morning I went to see the conclusion of the fight, and what d’ye think I saw? One of the cats dead probably, replied one of the company. No, by St. Patrick, there was nothing left in the pit but the two tails, and a bit of flue.

795. Dr. Wall, at a public dinner, was playing with a cork upon the table. What a dirty hand Dr. W. has, said Mr. E. I will bet you a bottle there is a dirtier in company, said the doctor, who had overheard. Done. Upon which he produced his other hand, and won the wager.

796. Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, almost speechless: Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, make haste, come with me. Not till I have finished my bottle, however, replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be a fine athletic fellow, finding entreaty useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on his back, and carried him out of the tavern; the moment he set the doctor upon his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic manner, the following threat: Now, you rascal, I’ll cure your wife in spite of you.

797. A little girl, who knew very well the painful anxiety which her mother had long suffered, during a tedious course of litigation, hearing that she had at last lost her law-suit, innocently cried out, O, my dear mama! how glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, which used to give you so much trouble and uneasiness.

798. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much rejoiced at the event: But pray, sir, said he, where is your place? In the Gloucester coach, replied the other; I secured it last night; and so good-bye to you.

799. Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, Will your kindness, Sir Philip, excuse my addressing to you a single question? At your peril, sir! was the harsh and the laconic answer. The bard returned to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. I don’t know, he answered, whether he is Junius: but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus.

800. A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplicity, Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the first person who has asked my opinion upon the affair.

801. It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of surgeons, question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous inquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, what he would prescribe. He mentioned many diaphoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next? Why, sir, enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, I would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would.

802. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books! Better read them, my lord, was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

803. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to the plan of a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he read it over, he returned. Why, Rock, said the poor fellow, won’t you give me something? Zounds, man, replied the other, didn’t I give you the hint.

804. When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing the master in private. This was at length acceded to; and when the banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued. Sailor: Mr. Hankey, I’ve got a tickler for you—didn’t like to expose you before the lads.—Hankey: That was kind. Pray, what’s this tickler?—Sailor: Never mind, don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you; ’tis a fifty.—Hankey: Ah! that’s a tickler, indeed.—Sailor: Don’t fret; give me five pounds now, and the rest at so much a week, I shan’t mention it to anybody.

805. A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber’s boy, Did you ever shave a monkey? Why no, sir, replied the boy, never; but if you will please to sit down, I will try.

806. An Irishman, a short time since, bid an extraordinary price for an alarum clock, and gave as a reason, That, as he loved to rise early, he had nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could wake himself.

807. A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. What! madam, said he, would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish?

808. The town of Chartres was besieged by Henry IV., and at last capitulated. The magistrate of the town, on giving up his keys, addressed his majesty:—This town belongs to your highness by divine law, and by human law. And by cannon law, too, added Henry.

809. The Marquis St. André applied to Louvois, the war-minister of Louis XIV., for a small place then vacant. Louvois having received some complaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The nobleman, somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, If I were to enter again into the service, I know what I would do. And pray what would you do? inquired the minister in a furious tone. St. André recollected himself, and had the presence of mind to say, I would take care to behave in such a manner, that your excellency should have nothing to reproach me with. Louvois, agreeably surprised at this reply, immediately granted his request.

810. An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too much: I was in the hospital almost all the time I was there.

811. Henry IV. having bestowed the cordon bleu on a nobleman, at the solicitation of the Duke de Nevers, when the collar was put on, the nobleman made the customary speech, Sire, I am not worthy. I know it well, said the king, but I give you the order to please my cousin De Nevers.

812. Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton’s misconduct, as to raise his choler so as to draw from him this expression:—Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!

813. When I have a cold in my head, said a gentleman in company, I am always remarkably dull and stupid. You are much to be pitied, then, sir, replied another, for I don’t remember ever to have seen you without.

814. A prisoner, at the bar of the Mayor’s Court, being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. Hold up your right hand, said the clerk. Please your honour, said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, I am left-handed.

815. In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men’s allowance at College. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents, in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his father, you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year. Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it; but then it was never paid.

816. When Dr. Parr’s preface to Bellendenus was the theme of general admiration, Horne Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously, It consists of mere scraps; alluding to the frequent use of the Ciceronean language. This sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards meeting Tooke, said to him, So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface mere scraps? True, replied Tooke, with inimitable readiness, but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps are often tit-bits.

817. An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read: Charleston, June 23, 1826. Dear mother,—then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed—Oh, ’tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!

818. When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, during five hours, with only two thousand men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He was nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had only a narrow defile by which to escape. In this extremity, he called to him a chef de bataillon, named Chevardin, for whom he had a particular regard. Take, said he to him, a company of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. You will be killed, but you will save your comrades. Yes, general, replied Chevardin. He gave his watch and his pocket-book to his servant, executed the order, and his death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and saved the French.

819. An Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible wind the other night. Saw a wind! said another, I never heard of a wind being seen! But, pray, what was it like? Like to have blown my house about my ears, replied the first.

820. Dr. O’Connor, in his History of Poland, says that the Irish are long-lived; that some of them attain to the age of a hundred: in short, adds the doctor, they live as long as they can.

821. An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, and at the same time asked the shoemaker, if he could tell him what would prevent them going down on the sides? The shoemaker said, The only way to prevent that was to change them every morning. Pat accordingly returned the following morning, called for a pair of shoes, fitted them on, left the pair he bought the day before, and was walking out of the shop without further notice, when the shoemaker called to him to know what he was doing, telling him at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the shoes he had just bought. And is it what am I doing, you ask? Am not I doing what you told me yesterday, changing my shoes every morning?

822. Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him in the theatrical phrase, How much money it would hold? Sir, said Rich, that question I am at present unable to answer, but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.

823. Sir William Curtis lately sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that articles manufactured from Cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c. Aye, replied the facetious baronet, and soap too—there’s no soap like Castile soap.

824. A miller, who attempted to be witty at the expense of a youth of weak intellects, accosted him with, John, people say that you are a fool. To this, John replied, I don’t know that I am, sir; I know some things, sir, and some things I don’t know, sir. Well, John, what do you know? I know that millers always have fat hogs, sir. And what don’t you know? I don’t know whose corn they eat, sir.

825. When Dr. Ehrenberg (the Prussian traveller) was in Egypt, he said to a peasant, I suppose you are quite happy now; the country looks like a garden, and every village has its minaret. God is great! replied the peasant; our master gives with one hand and takes with two.

826. Frank Hayman was a dull dog. When he buried his wife, a friend asked him why he expended so much money on her funeral? Ah, sir, replied he, she would have done as much, or more, for me, with pleasure.

827. At a doctor’s shop, a few doors from Westminster Bridge, may be seen written up the following notification: — ——, surgeon, apothecary, and accoucheur to the king.

828. A certain bishop having recently conferred a piece of preferment on an able and amiable divine, resident near London, the gentleman wrote to his son, who was at school at Brighton, announcing the circumstance; adding, how extremely kind the bishop had been in giving him a stall: to which the youth returned the following answer: Dear father, I am extremely glad to hear of your preferment—now the bishop has given you another stall, perhaps you will keep a horse for me.

829. Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to go so? The man of many wants replied, Why, sir, you go with your face bare; I am all face. A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether taken in a jocose or a philosophical sense.

830. How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy? said a St. Bartholomew’s surgeon, after taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman. How do I find myself? why, without my arm—how the devil else should I?

831. A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife’s eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, said the doctor, every morning, with a small glass of brandy. A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice? She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor, said the spouse, but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth.

832. Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long-headed as they themselves imagined, met one day at the turning of a street, and ran their heads together unawares. The shock was rather stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, said, Sic a thump! my heed’s a’ ringing again. Nae wonder, said his companion, your heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring; my heed disna ring a bit. How could it ring, said the other, seeing it is cracket? cracket vessels never ring.—Each described the other to a T.

833. I will save you a thousand pounds, said an Irishman to an old gentleman, if you don’t stand in your own light. How? You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion. I do, sir. I will take her with nine thousand.

834. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago. Confound those ancients, said Teague, they are always stealing one’s good thoughts.

835. A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by the garrison at Hull, the sentinel, as usual, called out, Who goes there? Twenty shillings, answered Mark. That cannot be, said the sentinel. Why, a Mark and a Noble make twenty shillings, said Mark.

836. I live in Julia’s eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman’s hearing. I don’t wonder at it, replied George, since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last.

837. A veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, who was actively employed at one of the guns on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot off below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to be conveyed to the cockpit, That’s but a shilling touch; an inch higher and I should have had my eighteen pence for it; alluding by this to the scale of pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course, increase according to their severity. The same hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a brother tar’s shoulders, said to one of his friends, Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, some other time.

838. Some time after Louis XIV. had collated the celebrated Bossuet to the bishopric of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked their new bishop. Why, your majesty, we like him pretty well. Pretty well! why what fault have you to find with him? To tell your majesty the truth, we should have preferred having a bishop who had finished his education; for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that he is at his studies.

839. A boy who did not return after the holidays to Winchester school, by the time the master had charged him to do, returned at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe. The master took the ham, and told him, that he might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, but assured him it should not save his bacon, and flogged him.

840. Previous to a late general election, two candidates for a northern county met in a ball-room. Why do you sit still? said a friend, to one of them, whilst your opponent is tripping it so assiduously with the electors’ wives and daughters? The aspirant for parliamentary fame replied, I have no objection to his dancing for the county, if I am allowed to sit for it.

841. An uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a friend, Sphinx! who is he now? A monster-man. Oh, a Munster man! I thought he was from Connaught, replied the Irishman, determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family.

842. An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitchner’s Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, considering the high price of the wine. One evening, taking his glass with a friend in the coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman, after apologizing to Mitchner, told him he and his friend had laid a wager, which he must decide, by telling him what profession he was bred to. Mitchner, after some hesitation at the question, answered that he was bred to the law. Then, said the gentleman, I have lost, for I laid that you was bred a packer. A packer, sir! said Mitchner, swelling like a turkey-cock, what could induce you, sir, to think I was bred a packer? Why, sir, said the other, I judged so from your wine measures, for I thought no man but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine into a pint bottle.

843. Lady Carteret, wife of the lord lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift’s time, said to him, The air of this country is good. For God’s sake, madam, said Swift, don’t say so in England: if you do they will certainly tax it.

844. King Charles II. was reputed a great connoisseur in naval architecture. Being once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished, on the stocks, he asked the famous Killigrew, if he did not think he should make an excellent shipwright? who pleasantly replied, He always thought his majesty would have done better at any other trade than his own. No favourable compliment, but as true a one, perhaps, as ever was paid.

845. One day Dean Swift observed a great rabble assembled before the deanery door, in Kevin Street, and upon inquiring into the cause of it, he was told they were waiting to see the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle and told him what he should do. Away ran Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled out—O yes, O yes? all manner of persons here concerned are desired to take notice, that it is the Dean of St. Patrick’s good will and pleasure, that the eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow! so God save the king and his reverence the dean. The mob upon this dispersed; only some Irish wit, more shrewd and cunning than the rest, said, with great self-complacency, that they would not lose another afternoon, for that the dean, who was a very comical man, might take it into his head to put off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second time.

846. Some school-boys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, Good morning, mother of asses! Good morning, my children, was the reply.

847. A clergyman being at the point of death, a neighbouring brother, who had some interest with his patron, applied to him for the next presentation; upon which the former, who soon recovered, upbraided him with a breach of friendship, and said he wanted his death. No, no, doctor, said the other, you quite mistake: it was your living I wanted.

848. A gentleman in company complaining that he was very subject to catch cold in his feet, another, not over-loaded with sense, told him that might easily be prevented, if he would follow his directions. I always get, said he, a thin piece of lead out of an India chest, and fit it to my shoe for this purpose. Then, sir, said the former, you are like a rope-dancer’s pole, you have lead at both ends.

849. The late Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the street? Woman of quality! replied the man. Yes, fellow, rejoined her grace, don’t you see my arms upon my carriage? Yes, I do, indeed, said he, and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are.

850. A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury lately excused himself, by note, from a dinner party, by alleging that he was engaged in taking the senses (census) of his parish.

851. On the day for renewing the licences of the publicans in the West Riding of Yorkshire, one of the magistrates said to an old woman who kept a little alehouse, that he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she replied, There is nought pernicious put into our barrels but the exciseman’s stick.

852. Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of the privations they had often undergone; when one of them said, he had slept for weeks on rough boards, with a wooden pillow; the other observed, that was a comfort to what he endured, having slept night after night, in Italy, on marble. An Irish fisherman, who was in company, observed, It was all bother and nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of oysters.

853. A droll fellow, who got a livelihood by fiddling at fairs and about the country, was one day met by an acquaintance that had not seen him a great while, who accosted him thus: Bless me! what, are you alive? Why not? answered the fiddler; did you send anybody to kill me? No, replied the other, but I was told you were dead. Ay, so it was reported, it seems, said the fiddler, but I knew it was false as soon as I heard it.

854. Mr. M——, the artist, was reading the paper the other day, while his boy, who had the daily task of preparing his palette for him, was rubbing in the various tints, when the boy suddenly stopped, and, with an anxious look, said, Pray, sir, I have heard so much about it, will you have the goodness to tell me what is the Color o’ Morbus?

855. Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern poets, in his latter days, and when he was blind—(a thing some men do with their eyes open), married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day, in Milton’s hearing, called her a rose. I am no judge of flowers, observed Milton, but it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.

856. One of the wooden mitres, carved by Gui. Gibbon, over one of the stalls, in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast; for, perhaps, said Jessy, it may fall on your reverence’s head. Well, Jessy, suppose it does, answered the humorous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don’t know that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it.

857. A gentleman of Magdalen College, whose name was Nott, returning late from his friend’s rooms in rather a merry mood, and, not quite able to preserve his centre of gravity, in his way home, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. I am Nott of Maudlin, was the hiccuping reply. Sir, said the proctor, in an angry tone, I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are. I am Nott of Maudlin, was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither having arrived, he demanded of the porter whether he knew the gentleman. Know him, sir, said the porter, yes, it is Mr. Nott, of this college. The proctor now perceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and, laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a good night.

858. Bishop Sherlock and Hoadly were both fresh-men of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured, was Tully’s Offices, and it so happened, one morning, that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival (for such they then were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the remark, said, when they left the lecture-room, Ben, you made good use of L’Estrange’s translation to-day. Why, no, Tom, retorted Hoadly, I did not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which is the only one in the college.

859. A cockney sportsman, being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through the man’s hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, sir? he hastily asked. O no, sir, said the shrewd sportsman, I never hit what I fire at.

860. Some persons broke into the stables belonging to a troop of horse, which was quartered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every horse close to the rump. The captain, relating the circumstance next day, to a brother officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the horses. I fancy you must dispose of them by wholesale, was the reply. Why by wholesale? Because you’ll certainly find it impossible to retail them.

861. At one of the Holland House Sunday dinner-parties, a few years ago, Crockford’s club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. In short, you think, said Mr. Rogers, that clubs are worse than diamonds. This joke excited a laugh, and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following impromptu sermonet—most appropriately on a card;

Thoughtless that “all that’s brightest fades,”

Unmindful of that Knave of Spades,

The Sexton and his Subs:

How foolishly we play our parts!

Our wives on diamonds set their hearts,

We set our hearts on clubs.

862. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a captain of the navy, that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he had learned from it. The captain replied that there was one part of Scripture, at least, which he well remembered, and thought it contained an admirable lesson. What is that? cried the duke. Not to put my trust in princes! your royal highness.

863. Mr. Abrahams, said Lord Mansfield, this man is your son, and cannot go in the same bail bond. He ish not my son, my lord. Why, Mr. Abrahams, here are twenty in court will prove it. I will shwear, my lord, he ish not. Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the King’s Bench. Now, my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell you the truth. Well, I shall be glad to hear the truth from a Jew, replied Lord Mansfield. My lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters; when I came home I findish this lad; now the law obliges me to maintain him; and consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. Well, rejoined Lord Mansfield, this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard.

864. An Irishman being told that a friend of his had put his money in the stocks, Well, said he, I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I have had my legs often enough in them.

865. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions, who was a bon vivant, to make an epitaph for him, received the following, with the conceit of which he always expressed himself much pleased—“Here lies Fuller’s earth.”

866. Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war that was lying at Spithead, one of them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, How much that building puts me in mind of my father’s stables. Arrah, my honey, cried the other, come with me, and I will shew you what will put you in mind of your father’s house. So saying, he led him to the pig-sty. There, said he, does not that put you in mind of your father’s parlour?

867. At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I., a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with some other voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston’s interest, until the last day of the polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam companions, and asked, what could have induced him to act so dishonourable a part, and become an apostate. An apostate! answered the old soldier—an apostate! by no means. I made up my mind about whom I should vote for before I set out upon this campaign; but I remembered the duke’s constant advice to us when I served with our army in Flanders—Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy.

868. One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill the London pavements are so highly indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day for biting off the nose of a Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, at their work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court with his noseless countenance, and swore the fact against the prisoner; but Dennis stoutly denied it, and called his gossip, another Hibernian paviour, to give evidence in his defence. This witness, with great apparent simplicity, stated, That to be sure his gossip and the other man had a little bit of a scrimmage, and both fell together; that the Welchman made several attempts to bite his gossip’s face, and at last he made a twist of his mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake.

869. Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a party at Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who was a physician, strolled out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the company were expressing their surprise where he could be gone to. Oh, said the counsellor, he is but just stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old patients.

870. Sir John Davis, a Welchman, in the reign of King James I., wrote a letter to the king in these words: Most mighty Prince! the gold mine that was lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to be a lead one.

871. An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, Here, waiter, let me have a couple of daycent candles, just that I may see how these others burn.

872. An Irishman lately arriving in London, and passing through Broad Street, observed a glass globe, containing some fine large gold fish, he exclaimed—And sure, this is the first time in my life that I have seen live red herrings.

873. The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled the O’Sheridans, as they were formerly. Indeed, father, replied Sheridan, then a boy, we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe everybody.

874. A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last he erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge went the circuit he was sent for. Fellow, said the judge, in a stern tone, how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account? I humbly beg your pardon, said the carpenter, had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.

875. An Intendant of Montpellier, having lost his lady, was solicitous that the chief officers of the city should attend her funeral obsequies. This honour the magistrates thought proper to refuse, because it was not customary, and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, however, to conciliate the favour of a person whom it would not be their interest to offend, they politely added, If, sir, it had been your own funeral, we should have attended it with the greatest pleasure.

876. An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he had personal objection, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not bring me off handsomely I will shoot every man of them.

877. A prisoner confined in a French prison for a petty debt, lately sent to his creditor, to let him know he had a proposal to make for their mutual benefit. The creditor came, and the incarcerated thus addressed him: Sir, I have been thinking that it is a very idle thing for me to be here, and put you to the expense of twenty sous a day. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and God knows what it may cost you in the end. Therefore, I propose that you should let me out of prison, and, instead of a franc, you shall allow me only ten sous a day, and the other half franc shall go towards the discharge of the debt.[C]

[C] By the French law a creditor is bound to allow his debtor a franc a day so long as he detains him in prison.

878. Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and humour during his residence in Cambridge, than for his profound learning; and he would frequently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of notes, to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, who is now a D.D. and master of his college, requesting him to find the value of nothing; next day he met his friend walking, and, stopping him, he desired to know, whether he had succeeded? His friend answered, Yes. And what may it be? asked Porson. Sixpence! replied he, which I gave the man for bringing the note.

879. A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up a looking-glass on his road. But when he looked at himself he flung it away in a rage, crying, Curse you, if you were good for anything you would not have been thrown away by your owner.

880. Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people that he came there for the good of the public, not for want. Then speaking to his merry Andrew, Andrew, said he, do we come here for want? No, faith, sir, said Andrew, we have enough of that at home.

881. An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew, who told him he had just been entered at college, replied, I am extremely happy to hear it; make the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall live to hear you preach my funeral sermon.

882. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? Advice, said the doctor.

883. An Irishman maintained in company that the sun did not make his revolution round the earth. But how, said one to him, is it possible, that having reached the west, where he sets, he could be seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass underneath the globe? How puzzled you are, replied the obstinate ignorant man; he returns the same way; and if it be not perceived, it is on account of his coming back by night.

884. Baron d’Adrets occasionally made his prisoners throw themselves headlong, from the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his soldiers. One of these unfortunate persons, having approached the battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him with his want of courage, in a very insulting manner. Why, sir, said the prisoner, bold as you are, I would give you five times before you took the leap. This pleasantry saved the poor fellow’s life.

885. An Irishman, angling in the rain, was observed to keep his line under the arch of a bridge; upon being asked the reason, he gave the following answer: To be sure, the fishes will be after crowding there, in order to keep out of the wet.

886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. When and where? said the pastor. Last night, replied the timid man, I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what shape did it appear? replied the priest. It appeared in the shape of a great ass. Go home, and say not a word about it, rejoined the pastor: you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.

887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had just had Crabbe’s Tales, and thought them excellent; another lady heard the observation with astonishment, and on the departure of the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab’s tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them.

888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last.

889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant—the only good belonging to him is under ground.

890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and reflections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing, when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. It would be well, said Lee, if you could bring them to Westminster Hall.

891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: I allow no person, said he, to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again. What, said the other, I suppose you mean to make game of me.

892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his biography of that statesman, observed: I won’t say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life.

893. The late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably fond of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he consulted Foote as to what character he should appear in. Don’t go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character; go sober.

894. Lord B—, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O’Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment? When you place your tongue on the civil list! was the witty rejoinder.

895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once dining in Ireland, introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him,—Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc, hoc, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a hujus glass.

896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis the Fifteenth, the Duke de L— and the Duke de N—. They were both one day at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. You take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, sire, said de L—, I walk twice a day round my cousin de N—.

897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining on Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I ha’nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father.

898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dear. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why. It’s a’ owin’ to the war, said Paddy. The war! said the astonished matron, gracious me! are they gaun to fight by candle light?

899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the Thea linensis, although lauded so warmly by a French writer as nostris gratissima musis, being invited to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the following delicate compliment:—Non possum te-cum vivere, nec sine te!

900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his father before and after meals, very tedious. One day, after the winter’s provisions had been salted—I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great saving of time.

901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you to dine with me at ten this evening. I must decline the honour, said the premier, for I am engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at nine.

902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus Act was carried by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named the tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him as ten, as a jest at first, but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on, and it was reported to the house, and it was declared, that they who were for the bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other side; and by this means the bill was passed. Would that all tricks had the same happy results!

903. The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him before he had risen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying, Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll shorten your days. Very true, Madam, replied he, but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen my nights.

904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. A beggar! exclaimed the man, I would have you to know that I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors? That may be, friend, yet there is this difference—you are not a legal one, which I am.

905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh! said the other, that’s far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made it on the spot.

906. Foote being in company, and the Tuscan grape producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist’s head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company, by observing, that if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening.

907. On Mr. H. Erskine’s receiving his appointment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary in Scotland, he exclaimed that he must go and order his silk robe. Never mind, said Mr. Dundas, for the short time you will want it, you had better borrow mine! No! replied Erskine, how short a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor.

908. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor cried out, Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds. Oh, said his lordship, we must not hang a man for fashion’s sake.

909. One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and requested some tongue. They were told that Lord Byron had eaten it all. I am very angry with his lordship, said a lady, loud enough for him to hear the observation. I am sorry for it, madam, retorted Lord Byron; but before I ate the tongue, I was assured you did not want it.

910. Sir William Gooch being engaged in conversation with a gentleman in a street of the city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro, who was passing by about his master’s business. Sir William, said the gentleman, do you descend so far as to salute a slave? Why, yes, replied the governor; I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in good manners.

911. A learned Irish Judge, among other peculiarities, has a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. On his circuit, a short time since, his favourite expression was employed in a singular manner. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the court reminded him that he had not passed sentence on one of the criminals, as he had intended—Dear me! said his lordship, I really beg his pardon—bring him in.

912. Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their time. At dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the conversational powers of Lord E., called out to him, My lord, I mean to write your epitaph. Dr. Parr, replied the noble lawyer, it is a temptation to commit suicide.

913. Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his shortness and rotundity, was very gallant. One day being alone with Madame de Cronuas, Gibbon wished to seize the favourable moment, and suddenly dropping on his knees, he declared his love in the most passionate terms. Madame de Cronuas replied in a tone to prevent the repetition of such a scene. Gibbon was thunder-struck, but still remained on his knees, though frequently desired to get up and resume his seat. Sir, said Madame de Cronuas, will you have the goodness to rise? Alas, madam, replied the unhappy lover, I cannot—(his size prevented him from rising without assistance)—upon this Madame de Cronuas rang the bell, saying to the servant, Assist Mr. Gibbon up.

914. An Irishman, who served on board a man-of-war in the capacity of a waister, was selected by one of the officers to haul in a tow-line, of considerable length, that was towing over the taffrail. After rowsing-in forty or fifty fathoms, which had put his patience severely to proof, as well as every muscle of his arms, he muttered to himself, By my soul, it’s as long as to-day and to-morrow!—It’s a good week’s work for any five in the ship!—Bad luck to the arm or leg it’ll lave me at last!—What! more of it yet!—Och, murder; the sa’s mighty deep, to be sure! When, after continuing in a similar strain, and conceiving there was little probability of the completion of the labour, he stopped suddenly short, and addressing the officer of the watch, exclaimed, Bad manners to me sir, if I don’t think somebody’s cut off the other end of it!