That Reminds Me: A Collection of Tales Worth Telling

That Reminds Me

A Collection of Tales
Worth Telling

"Show me a Nation's humor, and I
will show you its civilization."

Philadelphia
GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO.
Publishers

COPYRIGHT, 1905,
BY GEORGE W. JACOBS & Co.
Published, October, 1905.

BY THE WAY

If nonsense is to wisdom near allied and truth is often spoken in a jest, which are facts known to very casual observers, there is much more than the passing laugh to be derived from such a collection of anecdote, repartee, and pleasantry as that gathered together in this volume.

For some years the Public Ledger of Philadelphia, and earlier the Philadelphia Times, before the two journals were united, have offered premiums for contributions to a column of jests called "Tales Worth Telling." With the permission of Mr. George W. Ochs of the Public Ledger, the best of these are now collected and published in permanent form for a wider audience in the belief that they will be enjoyed beyond the confines of the newspaper's community and for longer than the day for which it is made and serves its purposes.

There is much Americanism in these "Tales." They have the flavor of our soil; the relish of our nationality. While some are plants of foreign growth removed to our atmosphere in which they have taken on a new appearance, there are touches of human nature and character in all of them.

If all these anecdotes seem not to be equally laugh-provoking, it is the fate of anecdotes. They are meant for different minds; they have different objects. If any shall teach a lesson, or point a moral while it at the same time fetches a smile, its purpose will not be lost.

Such humor, springing, as it does, from the people, much of it being caught at first hands from those who invented it to be transcribed for the newspaper in which it first appeared and now to be preserved in this volume, illustrates many important truths in our American character. Let that not be forgotten! "Show me a nation's humor and I will show you its civilization," is a sentiment worthy to become a proverb. There is hope for the man or the race of men which is gifted with the sense of humor if the mind and lips remain clean and reverent.

The Chinese can read this book as well as our occidentals. It can be perused backward or forward and will need no index or table of contents. It can be taken all at once if time and taste call for it, or it may be confidently opened by the skipper and skimmer of books who travels hither and thither and assails his literature only at vulnerable points. It may perhaps be taken up a second time, when, reader, if some of these stories seem to be old friends, you must be certain not to chide and revile this little volume, but compliment yourself upon owning a very retentive mind.

BEATEN AT HIS OWN GAME

The champion liar of the town was outdoing himself on his pet topic, the Civil War. "Talk of mud," he was saying, "our campaign in the Wilderness was the worst. It rained for days without letting up. When it did stop we started off with our artillery. Soon we came to a regular water hole, but we drove straight along, and do you know that first team went right out of sight."

A newcomer then took the floor. "I've seen some mud, too," he said. "When I was a boy, one day after a terribly wet spring, I saw a hat out in the road, right in a big puddle, so I waded out to get it. Maybe now you won't believe me, but there was a man under that hat. Says I, 'Why, hello! can't I help you out?' 'Oh, no,' says he, 'guess I can get along. I'm a-horse back.'"

THE ABSENT BOY'S FAULT

A certain Sunday-school teacher had a regular set of questions that she asked every Sunday. Beginning with the first boy she would ask, "Who made you?" to which he would reply, "The Lord." Then she would regularly ask the second boy, "Who was the first man?" and he would reply, "Adam."

One Sunday the first boy was away, and of course the second boy moved into his place. As usual, the teacher began by asking, "Who made you?"

The boy replied, "Adam."

"No, that is not right," said the teacher. "The Lord made you."

"I guess not," the child replied. "The boy that the Lord made is away to-day."

THE "ONE HORSE" RAILROAD

It was a train of only two cars on a miserable branch railroad, and was jogging along at a distressingly low rate of speed when all of a sudden it came to a dead stop. One of the passengers, whose patience had become exhausted, asked a brakeman the cause of delay.

"There's a herd of cows on the track," he answered.

In about ten minutes the train got under way again, jerking along convulsively for about a mile or two, when it came to a halt. An old man sitting near the door turned to the brakeman, who was plainly annoyed by the many questions, and said irritably:

"What in thunder is the matter, anyhow?"

"Why, we've caught up to the cows again!" the brakeman answered.

A POSTSCRIPT

The editor of a rural paper visited a large city just after the shooting of Mr. McKinley and took great interest in the newspaper bulletins informing the public of the president's condition. Shortly after the editor's return home, Deacon Jones was taken seriously ill, and the following bulletins were promptly posted:

10.00 A.M--Deacon Jones no better. ll.00 A.M.--Deacon Jones has relapse. 12.30 P.M.--Deacon Jones weaker. Pulse failing. 2.15 P.M.--Deacon Jones's family summoned. 3.10 P.M--Deacon Jones has died and gone to Heaven.

Later in the afternoon a traveling salesman happened by, stopped to read the bulletins, and, going to the board, added:

4.10 P.M.--Great excitement in Heaven; Deacon Jones has not yet arrived. The worst is feared.

HOW COULD HE KNOW

Jim Murphy had been accused of selling liquor illicitly and the prosecuting attorney was endeavoring to make Pat, a job teamster, admit that he had delivered liquor to the defendant. He stated that he had once delivered freight to Murphy and that part of that freight was a barrel, but when asked what the barrel contained he replied that he did not know.

"Don't know! Wasn't the barrel marked?" asked the attorney.

"Yis, sor."

"Then how dare you tell the court that you don't know what was in it?"

"Because, sor, the barrel was marked 'Jim Murphy' on one end and 'Bourbon Whiskey' on the other. How the divil did I know which was in it?"

A SECRET

A man who had purchased a fine-looking horse soon discovered that the animal was blind, and after several weeks he succeeded in disposing of her, as the defect did not seem to lessen her speed nor detract from her general appearance. The next day the new owner of the horse appeared.

"Say, you know that mare you sold me?" he began. "She's stone blind."

"I know it," replied her past owner with an easy air.

"You didn't say anything to me about it," said the purchaser, his face red with anger.

"Well, you see," replied the other, "that fellow who sold her to me didn't tell me about it and I just concluded that he didn't want it known."

AT THE WRONG DOOR

The following story is told of an American gentleman who was recently stopping with his wife at the Hotel Cecil in London.

The first evening there she happened to return somewhat earlier than her spouse. Arriving at the door of what he supposed was his own room and finding it locked, he tapped and called, "Honey." No answer came and he again called more loudly, "Honey." Still there was no reply, and becoming somewhat uneasy, he shouted the endearing term with his full strength. This time an answer came and in a male voice.

"Go away, you blithering idiot! This is a bathroom, not a blooming beehive."

HOW IT MIGHT NOT HAVE HAPPENED

Hon. James M. Beck tells the following story of an argument made by a rural barrister before a justice in a court in Pennsylvania.

The case was one in which the plaintiff sought to recover damages from a railroad company for the killing of a cow. During the course of his argument, the country lawyer used this expressive sentence:

"If the train had been run as it should have been ran, or if the bell had been rung as it should have been rang, or if the whistle had been blown as it should have been blew, both of which they did neither, the cow would not have been injured when she was killed."

NOT A GOOD SWIMMER

Two men in the West were to be hanged for horse stealing. The place selected was the middle of a trestle bridge spanning a river. The rope was not securely tied about the neck of the first man to be dropped, and the knot slipped; he fell in the river and immediately swam for the shore. As they were adjusting the rope for the second culprit, an Irishman, he remarked:

"Will yez be sure and tie that good and tight, 'cause I can't swim."

THE IRISHMAN AND HIS MULE

General Sheridan was once asked at what little incident he had laughed the most.

"Well," he said, "I do not know, but always laugh when I think of the Irishman and the army mule. I was riding down the line one day, when I saw an Irishman mounted on a mule, which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally caught its hoof in the stirrup, when, in the excitement, the Irishman exclaimed, 'Well, if you're going to get on, I'll get off.'"

BUSINESS HABIT

Some time ago a tramp was walking along, asking the pedestrians whom he met for alms. He stopped in front of the shop of a Jewish second-hand merchant; suddenly he entered it and appreached the dealer, saying,

"Excuse me, sir, but would you kindly give me a few pennies for a bed?"

The man looked at him and said with a characteristic business-like air,

"Vare is dot ped? Let me see it."

A TEACHER'S JOYS

A Philadelphia school-teacher tells this story:

"Last week I was teaching a spelling lesson to a class of little second-graders. The word 'each' occurred, was written, on the board, and from it I expected to derive 'peach,' 'reach,' 'teach,' etc. Pointing to the word, I said, 'Can any child give a sentence using "each"?'

"A hand was unhesitatingly thrust up and a little German girl replied, 'Does your back each?'"

FAMILY PRIDE

A number of little girls were boasting of the rank of their respective families. They had passed from clothes to personal appearance, then to interior furnishings, and finally came to parental dignity. The minister's little girl boasted:

"Every package that comes for my papa is marked D.D."

"And every package that comes for my papa is marked M.D.," retorted the daughter of the physician.

Then followed a look of contempt from the youngest of the party. "Hugh," she exclaimed, "every package that comes to our house is marked C.O.D."

ON THE WITNESS STAND

Thomas Barry, a Boston lawyer, was recently examining an Irish witness in a municipal court in a suit having to do with an accident on the street cars. Here is a fragment of the information elicited by the lawyer's advice that the witness give an account of the disaster in his own words.

"Well, the man fell in th' str-reet as' the car-r passed; thin th' car-r stopped, an' we all ran out. The cr-rowd gathered ar-round th' man and shouted: 'He's kilt; he's kilt!' Thin Oi jumped in, pulled a dozen of the spalpeens out uv th' way and yells at 'em: 'Yez thick-heads, yez! If the man's kilt why in Hivvin's name don't yez stand to one side and let him have a br-reath of air-r."

DEFECTIVE EDUCATION

A well-known citizen of Baltimore was recently spending a few days with his wife at Atlantic City. When he seated himself in the dining-room on the evening of his arrival he discovered that he could not read the menu, as he had left his glasses in his room. His wife was in the same predicament, so calling a waiter he said:

"Read that to me and I will give you half a dollar."

Quick as a flash the waiter replied:

"'Scuse me, boss, but I ain't had much ejication maself!"

UNAVOIDABLE LAUGHTER

"Mary," said a lady to her cook, "I must insist that you keep better hours and that you have less company in the kitchen at night. Last night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of one of your women friends."

"Yis, mum, I know," was the reply; "but she couldn't help it. I was tellin' her how you tried to make cake one day."

SHE WAS EXCUSED

One evening as the mother of a little niece of Phillips Brooks was tucking her snugly into bed, the maid stepped in and said there was a caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. The caller remained only a short time and when the mother went up-stairs again, she asked the little girl if she had done as she was bidden.

"Yes, mamma, I did and I didn't," she said.

"What do you mean by that, dear?"

"Well, mamma, I was awfully sleepy so I just asked God if He wouldn't excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'"

A WRONG TRANSLATION

Senator Quay was fond of telling a story of an experience of his in a country hotel near Pittsburg.

Hanging on the wall in the parlor was an inscription, "Ici on parle Français." The Senator noted the sign and turning to the landlord said, "Do you speak French?"

"No," the man replied, "United States will do for me."

"Well, then," said Quay, "why do you have that notice on the wall? That means, 'French is spoken here.'"

"Well, I'll be blamed!" ejaculated the hotel-keeper. "A young chap sold that to me for 'God bless our home.'"

GETTING EVEN WITH HIM

Mr. W----, who used to be president of the Seaboard Air Line, is a good friend of Mr. S----, president of the Southern Railway. The friends of the two are fond of springing upon them this story:

In sending out complimentary passes to officials of the Seaboard system it happened through error that the Southern sent to Mr. W---- a pass marked "Not good on the Washington and South-western Limited." When he received it Mr. W---- looked up the Seaboard pass that was to be sent to Mr. S----. With a pen he wrote across it:

"Not good on passenger trains."

COMING DOWN LIKE A LADY

A young lady was entertaining callers one evening when her little sister came down the stairway in a noisy manner. "Frances," said the annoyed elder sister, "you came down-stairs so that you could be heard all over the house. Now, go back and come down properly."

Frances retired, and in a few minutes reentered the parlor.

"Did you hear me come down-stairs this time, Marjie?" asked the little girl anxiously.

"No, dear; this time you came down like a lady."

"Yes'm," explained Frances, exhibiting some pride and satisfaction in her performance, "this time I slid down the banisters."

NOT A POPULAR CANDIDATE

A dispute arose on a train one election day as to who would be elected Governor of Pennsylvania. One man stoutly maintained that Pattison would be elected, while another said Pennypacker would receive an immense majority. An Irishman on the train offered twenty-five dollars on the first-named candidate.

"You're both mistaken," said a religious-looking man after the discussion had gone on for some time.

"Bedad! who will be Governor, thin?" asked the Celt.

"The Lord," said the old man solemnly. "He will be Governor of Pennsylvania."

There was silence for a moment, and then the Celt shouted out:

"Begorry, an' I bet you twenty-five dollars that He don't carry Pittsburg."

JOHNNY'S CONSCIENCE

A teacher in one of our city schools defined conscience as "something within you that tells you when you have done wrong."

"Oh, yes," said a little lad at the end of the room, "I had it once last summer after I'd eaten green apples, but they had to send for a doctor."

NOT TO BE DISSUADED

A number of salesmen were discussing the subject of traveling through the South.

"I have often wondered," said one of them, "how those boys, who take your hats in the dining-rooms of southern hotels and place them in a rack without checks know which hat to give you. If thought I would try and fool one. One day when I had finished lunch, and the boy had handed me my hat, I tried it on and pretended it was a misfit.

"'This is not my hat,' I said, but he was ready with his answer.

"'Dat may not be youah hat, sah,' he replied calmly, 'but it am de hat what you gib me when you come in.'"

AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE

An Irishman walked into a men's furnishing goods store the other day and said:

"Oi want to get somethin' fer mournin' wear, but Oi don't know exactly what the coostom is. What do they be wearin' now fer mournin'?"

"It depends," explained the salesman, "on how near the relative is for whom you wish to show this mark of respect. For a very near relative, you should have an all black suit. For some one not so near you may have a broad band of black on the left arm or a somewhat narrower one for somebody more distant."

"Och! is that it? Well, thin, gimme a shoe string. It's me woife's mither."

SQUARING THE ACCOUNT

A practical joker of New York City tells this story upon himself, and declares that the experience cured him of his bad habit:

On my arrival at San Francisco, as a joke I sent to a friend of mine at home, well known for his aversion to spending money, a telegram, with charges to collect, reading, "I am perfectly well."

The information evidently was gratifying to him, for about a week after sending the telegram an express package was delivered at my room, on which I paid four dollars for charges. Upon opening the package I found a large New York street paving block, on which was pasted a card, which read, "This is the weight your recent telegram lifted from my heart."

THE IRISH BULL

Two Celts who had been backsliding in their religious duties, had taken the pledge and were trying to summon sufficient courage to attend church. Each disliked the idea of going because of the gossip it would create, so they agreed to be present at the same service on the principle that misery loves company.

"But, Casey," asked one, "how am Oi to know if yez be there?"

"Why, Patr-rick, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll make a chalk mar-rk on the wall beside th' dure."

"A good plan, faith," said Patrick; "an' Casey, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll rub the mar-rk out so that yez'll know."

MORE BULLS

This is submitted as an ideal example of the Irish "bull":

Roger: "Timothy, yez is dr-unk."

Timothy: "Roger, Oi'm not--an' if 'Oi was sober-r yez would not dare to say so."

Roger: "An' Timothy, if yez was sober-r yez'd have sinse enough to know ye wuz dr-runk."

THE INTELLIGENT GOAT

Three colored men were discussing the intelligence of different animals. One favored the dog; another, the horse; but old Peter Jackson said, "In my opinion de goat am de 'telligentest critter livin'. De goat kin read, I saw him do it. Once I wuz walkin' down street dressed in mah best suit, an' wearin' mah new plug hat. When I got down on de main street, I seed a billboa'd on which it said: 'Chew Jackson's Plug.' A goat wuz standin' thar when I passed an' when I wuz about ten feet away he must hab recognized me, for de next thing I knew, I went sailin' in de mud. When I looked 'roun' dat goat wuz chewin' mah plug hat for all he wuz worth. Gem'men, da is no question in mah mind about de 'telligence ob de goat. He am a wondah."

WHERE THEY GET IT

George Ade, not long ago, was speaking of the curious ideas some children have of the most ordinary things. Ade then said the story he was about to tell actually occurred in Indiana, his native State. There was a little boy, who, on seeing a pan of warm, freshly-drawn milk, inquired where the cows got their milk.

"Where do you get your tears?" was the reply.

"Gee!" exclaimed the youngster, "do you have to spank the cows?"

NEAR ENOUGH

It was a Maine girl of whom the story is told that she refused to marry a most devoted lover until he had amassed a fortune of ten thousand dollars. After some expostulation he accepted the verdict and went to work. About three months after this bargain had been made the young lady, meeting her lover, said:

"Well, Charley, how are you getting along?"

"Oh, very well indeed," Charley returned cheerfully. "I've eighteen dollars saved."

The young lady blushed and looked down at the toes of her walking boots. "I guess," she said, faintly, "I guess, Charley, that's about near enough."

A CLOSE SHAVE

A little girl asked her mother if there were any men in heaven.

"Mamma," she said, "I never saw a picture of an angel with a beard or a mustache. Do men ever go to heaven?"

"Oh! yes," replied her mother, "men go to heaven, but it's always by a close shave."

TOO MUCH LIKE HOME

Three men determined to rob a certain house. So, on the night chosen for the deed, they gathered in front of the building. One of them entered and started up-stairs. He had his boots on and, when near the landing, they squeaked. A female voice was heard in one of the rooms.

"You go right down-stairs and take those boots off. I'm tired of having to clean up mud and dirt after you. March right down and take them off."

The burglar turned about, went down the steps, and joining his companions, said:

"Boys, I couldn't rob that house, it seems too much like home."

A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR

It happened on an inauguration day in Washington and a member of a governor's staff was, for the first time, arrayed in his full uniform. When he arrived at the Capitol, he remembered having left something at his boarding-house and turned back after it. The landlady's small daughter answered the bell. She did not recognize the lodger in his showy and magnificent dress.

"Who is it?" asked the mother before going into the parlor.

"I don't know, mamma, but I think it's God."

HOW HE KNEW

In a New York court, counsel for the defense, in a case of assault, was questioning a witness for the prosecution. "Now, you say you saw the quarrel between the two men?"

"Yes," replied the man, who happened to be a carpenter.

"How far away from them were you?"

"Just four yards, two feet, three and one-half inches."

"What do you mean?" shouted the attorney. "You don't mean to say that you can measure distance that accurately with your eye?"

"No," said the carpenter, quietly; "but I knew some fool would ask me, so I measured it."

WORSE YET

Henry H. Rogers, the Copper and Standard Oil magnate, was visited recently by one of his friends who has been under the weather for months. Mr. Rogers inquired kindly after the health of his caller.

"I have been staying down at Lakewood, New Jersey, for six months," was the reply, "and I've been pretty low. In fact, I never was in so bad a state before."

Mr. Rogers smiled and asked quietly:

"You've never been in Montana, have you?"

AMENITIES OF THE BAR

Judge Norton was solemn, stern and dignified to excess. He was also egotistical, and sensitive to ridicule. Judge Nelson was a wit and careless of decorum. He did not like Judge Norton.

At a Bar supper Judge Norton in an elaborate speech, referring to the early days of Wisconsin, described with tragic manner a thunder-storm which once overtook him in riding the circuit; the scene was awful, "and," said the Judge, "I expected every moment the lightning would strike the tree under which I had taken shelter."

"Then," interrupted Nelson, "why in thunder didn't you get under another tree?"

AT SUNDAY-SCHOOL

In a down-town Sunday-school a few Sundays ago the teacher asked a class of girls: "Can any little girl here tell me what the Epistles are?"

"I think I know," said one child.

"Well, Dorothy?"

"The Epistles were the Lady Apostles."

A STORY ABOUT CHICAGO

Two New York women were lunching together at a favorite café.

"One hears strange stories about Chicago," said the woman in the chinchilla tricorne, "but I never believed half of them until I went there a while ago on a visit. Will you believe, my dear, that I went to a dinner where there was a little silver trumpet beside each soup plate?"

"What were they for?" inquired the girl with the violets.

"I didn't know at first, but I found out later that they were called 'soup coolers,' and were used for blowing the soup!" said the traveled one.

A BRIGHT PUPIL

A pupil in one of the rural schools of Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, was told by his teacher to form a sentence with the word "cuckoo" in it. The youngster at once replied, "Chust because she made those cuckoo eyes."

A VIEW IN SCOTLAND

Two smart young men from London once came upon a respectable-looking shepherd in Argyleshire, and accosted him with:

"You have a very fine view here--you can see a great way."

"Yu ay, yu ay, a ferry great way."

"Ah! you can see America here, I suppose?"

"Farrar than that."

"How is that?"

"Yu jist wait tule the mists gang awa' and you'll see the mune."

A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING

Colonel Maltby tells of a neighbor of his at St. David's who went home at a rather unusual hour of the day.

"Can you tell me of my wife's whereabouts?" he asked of the family servant.

Bridget hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the truth, I really belave they're in the wash."

THE SKYSCRAPER

At a recent dinner there were present a Frenchman and his wife who had recently come to America. They were having some difficulty with our language.

In the course of the conversation, the Frenchman remarked to his neighbor at table, "I haf moosh interest in your high beeldings in zis countree. Vot you call zem--sky creepers?"

"Oh, no," broke in his wife, "zat iss not right. It iss sky scratchers."

POOR JUDGMENT

"But, papa," protested Gladys, "I am not a bit too young to marry. You know perfectly well that you married mamma when she was eighteen, and I am a whole year older than that."

"I know, but I never thought much of your mother's judgment in that respect."

HE WOULD TAKE IT WITH HIM

Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of the locomotive pilot, is said to be responsible for this story.

"I was sitting in a drug store waiting to get a prescription filled, when a young Irishman entered. He pointed to a stack of green castile soap and said:

"'Oi want a loomp o' thot.'

"'Very well, sir,' said the clerk, 'will you have it scented or unscented?'

"'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman."

CORRECT

"Who can tell me who our first President was?" asked the teacher.

"George Washington," instantly answered a bright boy.

"George Washington was our first President," replied the teacher, "and this is what you should have said. Never reply to such questions in monosyllables. Now, who can tell me what I have on my feet?"

"Shoes," spoke up one boy.

"You have not answered correctly. Who can answer that question in a correct manner?"

"Stockings," suggested another boy.

"No, no, no! That is not the way."

At this a boy in a back seat began to wave his hand eagerly. "Well, what have I on my feet, Johnnie?"

"Corns," replied John triumphantly.

THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE HYMN

An anecdote is narrated of a negro evangelist who held evening services in a chapel formerly used by the Anglican Church. In a hymnal, which had been left there, he found an old familiar hymn suitable for his sermon, but the Roman number CXIX somewhat confused him and he was not at once able to announce it.

As was the custom, he read the verses through, still showing signs of embarrassment and then reread the first stanza. This did not seem to aid him or the congregation, and at last he straightened himself and said with dignity, "Brethren, let us sing the Skeesix Hymn."

A PAINFUL DEATH

During a celebrated murder trial in New York City there were among the many interested spectators two men, between whom the following conversation occurred:

"The evidence will convict the prisoner sure," remarked one.

"Not only convict him, but will hang him," returned the other.

"Man alive! They don't hang murderers in New York!"

"Well, what do they do with them?"

"Kill them with elocution."

HE DID

Judge Parker is said to tell as a favorite story the tale of a young man in Savannah named Du Bose, who invited his sweetheart to take a buggy ride with him. The young woman had a very fetching lisp. When they reached a rather lonesome bit of road the young man announced:

"This is where you have to pay toll. The toll is either a kiss or a squeeze."

"Oh, Mr. Du Both!" exclaimed his companion.

NOT AT HOME

A caller stopped at the house of a certain man and asked if he was at home.

"'Deed, an' he's not," replied the woman who answered his ring.

"Can you tell me where he is?"

"I cannot."

"When did you see him last?"

"At his funeral."

"And who may you be?"

"I'm his remains," said the widow, and she closed the door.

MIXED PROVERBS

On a cabbage patch owned by a negro in a Southern community oil was found. Speculators offered the negro $20,000, which was accepted without waiting to consider another proposition, said to be worth $40,000.

"What is this about your cabbage patch?" inquired a neighbor of the negro. "I understand you have sold it for $20,000."

"Yas, that's true, boss," replied the negro. "Yo' see, men come picking round my place an' dey say dar's oil heah. Dey say, 'We gib yo' $20,000.' I say 'All right.'"

"I am told if you had waited a day or two you might have sold it for $40,000?"

"Yas, dat mebbe so; but a bird in the hand's th' nobles' work of God!"

AN ENDLESS CHAIN

A lady who was visiting the home of a friend had just given each of the children a penny. When the savings bank was produced and the coins were deposited therein, the lady made the remark that the children had a lot of money.

"Oh, yes," said little Mary. "Mamma is very good to us. Every time we take our castor oil without crying she gives us a penny."

"And what do you do with all the money?" asked the visitor.

"Why, mamma buys some more castor oil with it!"

IT WOULD DEPEND

Franklin B. Gowen at one time tried a case in court against a man who was defended by a lawyer named Browne. The issue involved was an important one and every point was vigorously contested. During the trial Mr. Gowen frequently referred to Mr. Browne as "Mr. Brow-nie," which embarrassed the lawyer so much that the presiding judge noticed it. "Mr. Gowen, the name of the plaintiff's counsel is Browne, not Brow-nie. Now, my name is Greene, G-r-e-e-n-e, and you wouldn't call me Gree-nie, would you?" To which Mr. Gowen replied, "That will depend altogether on how you decide this case."

NECESSARY LABOR

The other Sunday two small boys were industriously digging in a vacant lot, when a man who was passing stopped to give them a lecture.

"Don't you know that it is a sin to dig on Sunday, unless it be a case of necessity?" asked the good man.

"Yes, sir," timidly replied one of the boys.

"Then why don't you stop it?"

"'Cause this is a case of necessity," replied the little philosopher. "A feller can't fish without bait."

THE RETORT COURTEOUS

Daniel Webster was noted for his ready wit, and the following example of it is told by a man whose father heard the statesman's retort:

Webster was standing one afternoon on Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington, talking with a Senator from South Carolina. Between them there was a certain ill-concealed enmity. As they were talking a drove of mules was driven past them. The Senator remarked:

"Webster, why don't you bow? There go some of your constituents."

Quick as a flash Webster took off his hat, and, bowing gravely, replied:

"Yes, Senator, we are sending them down South to teach school."

A RESPONSIVE CHORD

A woman of Madison County, New York, was in Washington during the second term of President Cleveland and with her husband took occasion to go to see the chief executive at one of the large public receptions. All was new and grand to the couple, but the sight of the endless line of handshakers elicited the genuine sympathy of the old woman for the First Lady of the Land. No doubt, this feeling was considerably stimulated by her own weariness from long standing in line, which had about exhausted her strength as well as her patience. When finally she did reach the president and his wife, she exclaimed:

"Mrs. Cleveland, be you very tired?"

With quick adaptability and very gentle earnestness, Mrs. Cleveland replied:

"Yes, I be."

HE WAS RAISED

A year ago a manufacturer hired a boy. For months, there was nothing noticeable about him except that he never took his eyes off the machine he was running. A few weeks ago, the manufacturer looked up from his work to see the boy standing beside his desk.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Want my pay raised."

"What are you getting?"

"Three dollars a week."

"Well, how much do you think you are worth?"

"Four dollars."

"You think so, do you?"

"Yes, sir, an' I've been thinkin' so fer three weeks, but I've been so blame busy, I haven't had time to speak to you about it."

NOT A FAIR HEAD

An Irishman was arrested and convicted for killing a man in a fight at a fair by cracking him over the head with a shillalah. At the trial it was shown that the victim possessed a very thin skull and the Irishman being asked if he had anything to say before sentence was pronounced, replied:

"No, your honor; but was that a skull for a man to go to a fair with?"

AN UNUSUAL SIGHT

A captain of an English regiment stationed at Natal, while paying off his company, chanced to give one of his new recruits a Transvaal half crown which bears the image and superscription of Paul Kruger. The fellow soon returned with the coin and, throwing it on the table, declared it was bad. The officer took the piece of money and rang it on the table.

"It sounds all right, Atkins: what's the matter with it?" he asked.

"Well, sir," replied Atkins, "if you say it's all right, it's all right, but it's the first time I've seed the Queen with whiskers on."

VERY LONG AGO

In the northwestern section of the city there is a teacher who has charge of a primary class. One morning she was giving her pupils a lesson on the Civil War and wished to impress on their minds how long ago it had occurred.

"Just think, children," she said, "it was so long ago that even I don't remember it."

"O-o-o-o Gee!" exclaimed one of the boys.

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