WIDOWS
GRAVE AND
OTHERWISE
“Widders are ’ceptions to ev’ry rule.”
—Dickens.
PURLOINED BY AN EX-WIDOW
AND PICTURED BY A VICTIM
PUBLISHED BY AN IMMUNE
A creature not too bright or good
for human nature’s daily food.
—Wordsworth.
WIDOWS
GRAVE AND
OTHERWISE
COMPILED BY CORA D. WILLMARTH
ILLUSTRATED BY A. F. WILLMARTH
COPYRIGHT, 1903
BY PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY
PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY
PUBLISHERS, SAN FRANCISCO
Be to her virtues very kind;
Be to her faults a little blind.
—Prior.
January First
Widows, like ripe fruit, drop easily from their perch.
—Bruyere.
January Second
Wedlock’s like wine,—not properly judged of till the second glass.
—Douglas Jerrold.
January Third
The Spaniards have it that a buxom widow must be either married, buried, or shut up in a convent.
—Haliburton.
January Fourth
Frailty, thy name is woman! a little month, or ere those shoes were old with which she followed my poor father’s body, like Niobe, all tears:—why she, even she, married with my uncle.
—Shakespeare.
January Fifth
To marry once is a duty, twice a folly, thrice is madness.
—Dutch Proverb.
January Sixth
Mrs. President has disposed of six husbands and is to take a seventh: being of the opinion that there is as much virtue in the touch of a seventh husband as of a seventh son.
—Addison.
January Seventh
I praise th’ saints I niver was married, though I had opportunities enough when I was a young man, an’ even now I have to wear me hat low whin I go down be Cologne Street, on account iv the widow Grogan.
—Mr. Dooley.
January Eighth
Tush! herself knows not what she shall do when she is transformed into a widow.
—Chapman.
January Ninth
Widows are such a subtle generation of people they may be left to their own conduct; if they make a false step, they are answerable for it to nobody but themselves.
—Addison.
January Tenth
I have seen a widow that just before was seen pleasant enough, follow an empty hearse and weep devoutly.
—Chapman.
January Eleventh
I’ faith, he’ll have a lusty widow now,
That shall be wooed and wedded in a day.
—Shakespeare.
January Twelfth
Here’s a small trifle of wives: alas,—eleven widows and nine maids, is a simple coming in for one man.
—Shakespeare.
January Thirteenth
If for widows you die,
Learn to kiss, not to sigh.
—Charles Lever.
January Fourteenth
The widow Quick married within a fortnight after the death of her last husband. Her weeds have served her twice and are still as good as new.
—Addison.
January Fifteenth
She was clever, witty, brilliant, and sparkling; but possessed of many devils of malice and mischievousness; she could be nice, though, even to her own sex.
—Kipling.
January Sixteenth
A rogue met a pretty young Mrs.,
A widow, and stole a few Krs.,
And the lady, though she was astounded,
Said she’d waive prosecution,
If he’d make restitution,
So the felony soon was compounded.
—Philadelphia Press.
January Seventeenth
“Yes, he’s going to marry that rich widow. His debts were looming up dreadfully, and—”
“I see. His marriage will be the finished product of the loom.”
—San Francisco News Letter.
January Eighteenth
“Dear Joseph is dead. Loss fully covered by insurance.”
—(Telegram) Tit Bits.
January Nineteenth
“Why for your spouse this pompous fuss?
Was he not all his life your curse?”
“True, but at length one single action
Made up for each past malefaction.”
“Indeed! what was the action, pray?”
“Why, sir, it was,—he died one day.”
—Exchange.
January Twentieth
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
—Kipling.
January Twenty-first
But if the priest’s daughter be a widow, or divorced, and have no child, and is returned unto her father’s house, as in her youth, she shall eat of her father’s meat.
—Bible.
January Twenty-second
But every vow of a widow and of her that is divorced shall stand against her.
—Numbers xx:11.
January Twenty-third
Le Fiance. “Why have you not introduced me to your mother, darling?”
La Fiancee. “Gerald, my mother is a widow, and I have lost two fiances to widows already.”
—Life.
January Twenty-fourth
With all the experience of married life she has the sense of perfect freedom and irresponsibility; consequently her flights in flirtation are as daring as they are without fear or reproach.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
January Twenty-fifth
“So DeWolff Hopper is divorced and married again?”
“Yes.”
“Well, now I suppose the question is, is his former wife a grass widow or a grass Hopper?”
—Life.
January Twenty-sixth
’Tis safest in matrimony to begin with a little aversion.
—Sheridan.
January Twenty-seventh
It sometimes happens that when a man fails in doing anything else well, he marries well.
—Atchison Globe.
January Twenty-eighth
Whatever Rome may strive to fix,
The sacraments are only six;
For surely of the seven, ’tis clear
Marriage and penance but one appear.
—Proverb.
January Twenty-ninth
Lady Catherine Swallow was a widow at eighteen, and has since buried a second husband and two coachmen.
—Addison.
January Thirtieth
Jerry, dying intestate, his relatives claim’d
While his widow most vilely his mem’ry defam’d:
“That’s no wonder,” says one, “for ’tis very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he’d no will of his own!”
—Burns.
January Thirty-first
The wives of hen-peck’d husbands most alwus outliv ther victims, and I hev known them to git marrid agin and git hold ov a man that time (thank the Lord!) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.
—Josh Billings.
February First
Her mourning is all make believe:
’Tis plain there’s nothing in it:
With weepers she has tipp’d her sleeve,
The while she’s laughing in it.
—Burns.
February Second
The Lord will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow.
—Proverbs xv:25.
February Third
One said a rich widow was like the rubbish of the world, that helps only to stop the breaches of decayed houses.
—Hazlitt.
February Fourth
Of course not every man who has been pursued by a widow was caught, and there are a number of thrilling, if slightly apochryphal, narratives of daring adventurers who have escaped the clutches of the dangerous creatures at the last minute.
—Dorothy Dix.
February Fifth
Mrs. Pepperday. “My first husband had a great deal more sense than you have.”
Mr. Pepperday. “True enough, he died.”
—Harper’s Magazine.
February Sixth
“Take example by your father, my boy, and be wery careful o’ the widders all your life.”
—Dickens.
February Seventh
Keep yourself from the tumult of the mob, from fools in a narrow way, from a man that is marked, and from a widow that has been thrice married.
—Proverb.
February Eighth
Lawyer. “I can get a divorce without publicity for two hundred and fifty dollars.”
Actress. “How much more will it cost with publicity?”
—Judge.
February Ninth
A man that marries a widow is bound to give up smoking and chewing. If she gives up her weeds for him he should give up his weed for her.
—Louisville Journal.
February Tenth
There is but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that is a second marriage.
—Josh Billings.
February Eleventh
For it is better to marry than to burn.
—I Cor. vii:9.
February Twelfth
“Ven you’re a married man, Samival, you’ll understand a good many things as you don’t understand now: but vether it’s worth while goin’ through so much to learn so little, as the charity boy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet, is a matter o’ taste.”
—Dickens.
February Thirteenth
For as all widows love too well,
She liked upon the list to dwell,
And oft ripped up the old disasters.
—Hood.
February Fourteenth
Sir Simon, as snoring he lay in his bed,
Was awaked by the cry, “Sir, your lady is dead!”
He heard, and returning to slumber, quoth he,
“In the morn, when I wake, oh, how grieved I shall be!”
February Fifteenth
Thanks, my good friend, for the advice,
But marriage is a thing so nice,
That he who means to take a wife
Had better think on’t all his life.
February Sixteenth
Why are those tears, why droops your head?
Is then your other husband dead?
Or does a worse disgrace betide,
Hath no one since his death applied?
—Gay.
A rich widow is the only kind of second-hand goods that will always sell at prime cost.
—Franklin.
February Seventeenth
It pleased the Lord to take my spouse at last.
I tore my hair, I soil’d my locks with dust,
And beat my breasts—as wretched widows must:
Before my face my handkerchief I spread,
To hide the flood of tears I did—not shed.
—Pope.
February Eighteenth
She. “I think I should like a widower after all.”
He. “Very well; whom shall I marry first?”
—Life.
February Nineteenth
May widows wed as often as they can,
And ever for the better change their man;
And some devouring plague pursue their lives,
Who will not well be governed by their wives.
—Dryden.
February Twentieth
Whilst Adam slept, Eve from his side arose:
Strange! his first sleep should be his last repose!
—Anonymous.
February Twenty-first
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
—Addison.
February Twenty-second
The widow is indigenous to all climes and wherever found is a source of aggravation to women and of danger to men.
—Dorothy Dix.
February Twenty-third
Widows are indeed the great game of your fortune hunters.
—Addison.
February Twenty-fourth
“Some day I’m goin’ to let me temper r-run away with me, and get a comity together, and go out an’ hang ivry dam widdy and orphan between the rollin’ mills an’ th’ foundlin’s home. If it wasn’t for thim raypachious crathers, they’d be no boodle annywheres.”
—Mr. Dooley.
February Twenty-fifth
The widow Cross, I should have told,
Had seen three husbands to the mould:
The dear, departed Mr. Cross,
Came in for nothing but his thirds.
—Hood.
February Twenty-sixth
“She knows how to look out for number one.”
“That is quite evident from the way she is looking out for number two.”
—Smart Set.
February Twenty-seventh
Sum marry the second time to get even and find it a gambling game: the more they put down the less they take up.
—Josh Billings.
February Twenty-eighth
The wife is bound by the law as long as the husband liveth.
—I Cor. vii:39.
February Twenty-ninth
Remove thy way far from her and come not nigh the door of her house.
—Proverbs.
March First
Woo the widow while she is in weeds.
—Proverb.
March Second
Indeed, we were once in great hopes of his recovery, upon a kind message that was sent him from the widow lady whom he had made love to the last forty years of his life: but this only proved a lightning before death.
—Addison.
March Third
One widow at a grave will sob
A little while and weep and sigh!
If two should meet on such a job,
They’ll have a gossip bye and bye.
—Hood.
March Fourth
“You are a marrid man, Mr. Young, I believe?” sed I.
“I hev eighty wives, Mr. Ward. I certainly am marrid.”
—Artemus Ward.
March Fifth
’Tis dangerous marrying a widow because she has cast her rider.
—Spanish Proverb.
March Sixth
“I have heerd how many ord’nary women one widder’s equal to, in pint of comin’ over you. I think it’s five-and-twenty, but I don’t rightly know whether it an’t more.”
—Dickens.
March Seventh
“As for the widders, anny healthy widdy with street car stock ought to be ashamed of hersilf if she’s a widdy long.”
—Mr. Dooley.
March Eighth
That is why little widows are so dangerous: they not only know their own sex, but they know ours, too, and knowledge is power.
—Malcolm C. Salomon.
March Ninth
The basis of the contemporary matrimonial decline, as most writers interpret it, is man. Man cannot very well be left out of marriage altogether without defeating some of its more important ends and impairing its results.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
March Tenth
Easy or frivolous divorce is condemned and deplored, but the easily divorced are not excluded from the politest society.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
March Eleventh
Onions can make heirs and widows weep.
—Proverb.
March Twelfth
He who marries a widow will often have a dead man’s head thrown in his dish.
—Proverb.
March Thirteenth
Divorce, with all its privileges and possibilities, must continue to be a second-rate bliss by no means comparable to true marriage.
—Edward Stanton Martin.
March Fourteenth
“Mind that no widder gets a inklin’ of your fortun, or you’re done.”
—Dickens.
March Fifteenth
Mrs. Biffery Biff. “You should be happy. You have such a kind husband.”
Mrs. Quittem. “Yes; we are getting along splendidly, since we don’t live together.”
—San Francisco Examiner.