PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Vol. 107.
August 4, 1894.
SPORT FOR RATEPAYERS.
August 1st.—Deer-shooting in Victoria Park commences.
2nd.—Distribution of venison to "Progressive" County Councillors and their families—especially to Aldermen.
3rd.—Stalking American bison in the Marylebone disused grave-yard is permitted from this day. A staff of competent surgeons will be outside the palings.
4th.—Chamois-coursing in Brockwell Park.
5th.—A few rogue elephants having been imported (at considerable expense to the rates), and located in the Regent's Park, the Chairman of the L. C. C., assisted by the Park-keepers, will give an exhibition of the method employed in snaring them. The elephants in the Zoological Gardens will be expected to assist.
6th.—Bank Holiday.—Popular festival on Hampstead Heath. Two herds of red deer will be turned on to the Heath at different points, and three or four specially procured man-eating Bengal tigers will be let loose at the Flag-staff to pursue them. Visitors may hunt the deer or the tigers, whichever they prefer. Express rifles recommended, also the use of bullet-proof coats. No dynamite to be employed against the tigers. Ambulances in the Vale of Health. The Council's Band, up some of the tallest trees, will perform musical selections.
7th.—Races at Wormwood Scrubbs between the Council's own ostriches and leading cyclists. A force of the A1 Division of the Metropolitan Police, mounted on some of the reindeer from the enclosure at Spring Gardens, will be stationed round the ground to prevent the ostriches escaping into the adjoining country.
8th.—Sale of ostrich feathers (dropped in the contests) to West-End bonnet-makers at Union prices.
9th.—Grand review of all the Council's animals on Clapham Common. Procession through streets (also at Union rate). Banquet on municipal venison, tiger chops, elephant steaks, and ostrich wings at Spring Gardens. Progressive fireworks.
GENEROSITY.
Andrew (preparing to divide the orange). "Will you choose the Big half, Georgie, or the Wee half?"
George. "'Course I'll choose the Big half."
Andrew (with resignation). "Then I'll just have to make 'em even."
Rather a change—for the better.—They (the dockers) wouldn't listen to Ben Tillett. They cried out to him, "We keep you and starve ourselves." Hullo! the revolt of the sheep! are they beginning to think that their leaders and instigators are after all not their best friends? "O Tillett not in Gath!" And Little Ben may say to himself, "I'll wait Till-ett's over."
LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.
V.—School. "A Distant View."
"Distance lends enchantment"—kindly Distance!
Wiping out all troubles and disgraces,
How we seem to cast, with your assistance,
All our boyish lines in pleasant places!
Greek and Latin, struggles mathematic,
These were worries leaving slender traces;
Now we tell the boys (we wax emphatic)
How our lines fell all in pleasant places.
How we used to draw (immortal Wackford!)
Euclid's figures, more resembling faces,
Surreptitiously upon the black-board,
Crude yet telling lines in pleasant places.
Pleasant places! That was no misnomer.
Impositions?—little heed scape-graces;
Writing out a book or so of Homer,
Even those were lines in pleasant places!
How we scampered o'er the country, leading
Apoplectic farmers pretty chases,
Over crops, through fences all unheeding,
Stiff cross-country lines in pleasant places.
Yes, and how—too soon youth's early day flies—
In the purling brook which seaward races
How we used to poach with luscious May-flies,
Casting furtive lines in pleasant places.
Then the lickings! How we took them, scorning
Girlish outcry, though we made grimaces;
Only smiled to find ourselves next morning
Somewhat marked with lines in pleasant places!
Alma Mater, whether young or olden,
Thanks to you for hosts of friendly faces,
Treasured memories, days of boyhood golden,
Lines that fell in none but pleasant places!
LONDON BICYCLISTS.
["Mr. Asquith said that he was informed by the Chief Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police that undoubtedly numerous accidents were caused by bicycles and tricycles, though he was not prepared to say from the cause of the machines passing on the near instead of the off side of the road. Bicycles and tricycles were carriages, and should conform to the rules of the road, and the police, as far as possible, enforced the law as to riding to the common danger."—Daily Graphic, July 25.]
Round the omnibus, past the van,
Rushing on with a reckless reel,
Darts that horrible nuisance, an
Ardent cyclist resolved that he'll
Ride past everything he can,
Heed not woman, or child, or man,
Beat some record, some ride from Dan
To Beersheba; that seems his plan.
Why does not the Home Office ban
London fiends of the whirling wheel?
Let them ride in the country so,
Dart from Duncansbay Head to Deal,
Shoot as straight as the flight of crow,
Sweep as swallow that seeks a meal,
We don't care how the deuce they go,
But in thoroughfares where we know
Cyclists, hurrying to and fro,
Make each peaceable man their foe,
Riders, walkers alike cry "Whoa!
Stop these fiends of the whirling wheel!"
ODE ON SACRIFICE.
Amid the glowing pageant of the year
There comes too soon th' inevitable shock,
That token of the season sere,
To the unthinking fair so cheaply dear,
Who, like to shipwreck'd seamen, do it hail,
And cry, "A Sale! a Sale!
A Sale! a Summer Sale of Surplus Stock!"
See, how, like busy-humming bees
Around the ineffable fragrance of the lime,
Woman, unsparing of the salesman's time,
Reviews the stock, and chaffers at her ease,
Nor yet, for all her talking, purchases,
But takes away, with copper-bulgèd purse,
The textile harvest of a quiet eye,
Great bargains still unbought, and power to buy.
Or she, her daylong, garrulous labour done,
Some victory o'er reluctant remnants won,
Fresh from the trophies of her skill,
Things that she needed not, nor ever will,
She takes the well-earned bun;
Ambrosial food, Demeter erst design'd
As the appropriate food of womankind,
Plain, or with comfits deck'd and spice;
Or, daintier, dallies with an ice.
Nor feels in heart the worse
Because the haberdashers thus disperse
Their surplus stock at an astounding sacrifice!
Yet Contemplation pauses to review
The destinies that meet the silkworm's care,
The fate of fabrics whose materials grew
In the same fields of cotton or of flax,
Or waved on fellow-flockmen's fleecy backs,
And the same mill, loom, case, emporium, shelf, did share.
"ADDING INSULT," &c.
Scene—Hunters cantering round Show Ring.
Youth on hard-mouthed Grey (having just cannoned against old Twentystun). "'Scuse me, Sir,—'bliged to do it. Nothing less than a Haystack stops him!"
THE RIDER'S VADE MECUM.
(For Use in Rotten Row.)
Question. What part of London do you consider the most dangerous for an equestrian?
Answer. That part of the Park known as Rotten Row.
Q. Why is it so dangerous?
A. Because it is overcrowded in the Season, and at all times imperfectly kept.
Q. What do you mean by "imperfectly kept"?
A. I mean that the soil is not free from bricks and other impediments to comfortable and safe riding.
Q. Why do you go to Rotten Row?
A. Because it is the most convenient place in London for the residents of the West End.
Q. But would not Battersea Park do as well?
A. It is farther afield, and at present, so far as the rides are concerned, given over to the charms of solitude.
Q. And is not the Regent's Park also available for equestrians?
A. To some extent; but the roads in that rather distant pleasaunce are not comparable for a moment with the ride within view of the Serpentine.
Q. Would a ride in Kensington Gardens be an advantage?
A. Yes, to some extent; still it would scarcely be as convenient as the present exercising ground.
Q. Then you admit that there are (and might be) pleasant rides other than Rotten Row?
A. Certainly; but that fact does not dispense with the necessity of reform in existing institutions.
Q. Then you consider the raising of other issues is merely a plan to confuse and obliterate the original contention?
A. Assuredly; and it is a policy that has been tried before with success to obstructors and failure to the grievance-mongers.
Q. So as two blacks do not make one white you and all believe that Rotten Row should be carefully inspected and the causes of the recent accidents ascertained and remedied?
A. I do; and, further, am convinced that such a course would be for the benefit of the public in general and riders in Rotten Row in particular.
"PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."
"PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."
'Tis a norrible tale I'm a-going to narrate;
It happened—vell, each vone can fill in the date!
It's a heartrending tale of three babbies so fine.
Whom to spifflicate promptly their foes did incline.
Ven they vos qvite infants they lost their mamma;
They vos left all alone in the vorld vith their pa.
But to vatch o'er his babbies vos always his plan—
(Chorus)—
'Cos their daddy he vos sich a keerful old man!
He took those three kiddies all into his charge,
And kep them together so they shouldn't "go large."
Two hung to his coat-tails along the hard track.
And the third one, he clung to his neck pick-a-back.
The foes of those kiddies they longed for their bleed,
And they swore that to carry 'em he shouldn't succeed,
But to save them poor babbies he hit on a plan—
(Chorus)—
'Cos their dadda he vos sich a artful old man!
Some hoped, from exposure, the kids would ketch cold,
And that croup or rheumatics would lay 'em in the mould;
But they seemed to survive every babbyish disease,
Vich their venomous enemies did not qvite please.
But, in course, sich hard lines did the kiddies no good;
They got vet in the storm, they got lost in the vood,
But their dad cried, "I'll yet save these kids if I can!"—
(Chorus)—
'Cos their feyther he vos sich a dogged old man!
Foes hoped he'd go out of his depth,—or his mind,—
Or, cutting his stick, leave his babbies behind,
Ven they came to the margin of a vide roaring stream.
And the kids, being frightened, began for to scream.
But he cries, cheery like, "Stash that hullabulloo!
Keep your eye on your father, and he'll pull you through!!"—
Vich some thinks he vill do—if any von can—
(Chorus)—
'Cos Sir Villyum he is sich a walliant old man!
LYRE AND LANCET.
(A Story in Scenes.)
PART V.—CROSS-PURPOSES.
Scene VI.—A First-Class Compartment.
Lady Maisie (to herself). Poets don't seem to have much self-possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like that. If only he doesn't lose his head completely and say something about my wretched letter!
Spurrell (to himself). I'd better tell 'em before they find out for themselves. (Aloud; desperately.) My lady, I—I feel I ought to explain at once how I come to be going down to Wyvern like this.
[Lady Maisie only just suppresses a terrified protest.
Lady Cantire (benignly amused). My good Sir, there's not the slightest necessity, I am perfectly aware of who you are, and everything about you!
Spurr. (incredulously). But really I don't see how your ladyship——Why, I haven't said a word that——
Lady Cant. (with a solemn waggishness). Celebrities who mean to preserve their incognito shouldn't allow their friends to see them off. I happened to hear a certain Andromeda mentioned, and that was quite enough for Me!
Spurr. (to himself, relieved). She knows; seen the sketch of me in the Dog Fancier, I expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself, very likely. Well, that's a load off my mind! (Aloud.) You don't say so, my lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; most agreeable surprise to me, I can assure you!
Lady Cant. I see no reason for surprise in the matter. I have always endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions; to keep in touch with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and see everything. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid glance at most things; but I hope some day to be able to have another look at your Andromeda. I hear the most glowing accounts from all the judges.
Spurr. (to himself). She knows all the judges! She must be in the fancy! (Aloud.) Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be proud and happy to bring her round for your inspection.
Lady Cant. (with condescension). If you are kind enough to offer me a copy of Andromeda, I shall be most pleased to possess one.
Spurr. (to himself). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush me for a pup. I never offered her one! (Aloud.) Well, as to that, my lady, I've promised so many already, that really I don't—but there—I'll see what I can do for you. I'll make a note of it; you mustn't mind having to wait a bit.
Lady Cant. (raising her eyebrows). I will make an effort to support existence in the meantime.
Lady Maisie (to herself). I couldn't have believed that the man who could write such lovely verses should be so—well, not exactly a gentleman! How petty of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps geniuses never are. And as if it mattered! And I'm sure he's very natural and simple, and I shall like him when I know him.
[The train slackens.
Lady Cant. What station is this? Oh, it is Shuntingbridge. (To Spurrell, as they get out.) Now, if you'll kindly take charge of these bags, and go and see whether there's anything from Wyvern to meet us—you will find us here when you come back.
Scene VII.—On the Platform at Shuntingbridge.
Lady Cant. Ah, there you are, Phillipson! Yes, you can take the jewel-case; and now you had better go and see after the trunks. (Phillipson hurries back to the luggage-van; Spurrell returns.) Well, Mr.—I always forget names, so shall call you "Andromeda"—have you found——The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and we'll get in.
[They go outside.
Undershell (at another part of the platform—to himself). Where has Miss Mull disappeared to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her luggage. What a quantity she travels with! Can't be such a very poor relation. How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the porters about! I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (To a porter.) That's mine—the brown one with a white star. I want it to go to Wyvern Court—Sir Rupert Culverin's.
Porter (shouldering it). Right, Sir. Follow me, if you please.
[He disappears with it.
Und. (to himself). I mustn't leave Miss Mull alone. (Advancing to her.) Can I be of any assistance?
Phillipson. It's all done now. But you might try and find out how we're to get to the Court.
[Undershell departs; is requested to produce his ticket, and spends several minutes in searching every pocket but the right one.
"Searching every pocket but the right one."
Scene VIII.—The Station Yard at Shuntingbridge.
Lady Cant. (from the interior of the Wyvern omnibus, testily, to Footman). What are we waiting for now? Is my maid coming with us—or how?
Footman. There's a fly ordered to take her, my lady.
Lady Cant. (to Spurrell, who is standing below). Then it's you who are keeping us!
Spurr. If your ladyship will excuse me, I'll just go and see if they've put out my bag.
Lady Cant. (impatiently). Never mind about your bag. (To Footman.) What have you done with this gentleman's luggage?
Footman. Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady.
[He opens the door for Spurrell.
Lady Cant. (to Spurrell, who is still irresolute). For goodness' sake don't hop about on that step! Come in, and let us start.
Lady Maisie. Please get in—there's plenty of room!
Spurr. (to himself). They are chummy, and no mistake! (Aloud, as he gets in.) I do hope it won't be considered any intrusion—my coming up along with your ladyships, I mean!
Lady Cant. (snappishly). Intrusion! I never heard such nonsense! Did you expect to be asked to run behind? You really mustn't be so ridiculously modest. As if your Andromeda hadn't procured you the entrée everywhere!
[The omnibus starts.
Spurr. (to himself). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a swell. I'll keep my tail up. Shyness ain't one of my failings. (Aloud to an indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus, which is unlighted.) Er—hum—pitch dark night, my lady, don't get much idea of the country! (The mass makes no response.) I was saying, my lady, it's too dark to—— (The mass snores peacefully.) Her ladyship seems to be taking a snooze on the quiet, my lady. (To Lady Maisie.) (To himself.) Not that that's the word for it!
Lady Maisie (distantly). My Mother gets tired rather easily. (To herself.) It's really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! If he's going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I'm more or less responsible for him, too! I must see if I can't——It will be only kind. (Aloud, nervously.) Mr.—Mr. Blair!
Spurr. Excuse me, my lady, not Blair—Spurrell.
Lady Maisie. Of course, how stupid of me. I knew it wasn't really your name. Mr. Spurrell, then, you—you won't mind if I give you just one little hint, will you?
Spurr. I shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is.
Lady Maisie (more nervously still). It's really such a trifle, but—but, in speaking to Mamma or me, it isn't at all necessary to say 'my lady' or 'your ladyship.' I—I mean, it sounds rather, well—formal, don't you know!
Spurr. (to himself). She's going to be chummy now! (Aloud.) I thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners.
Lady Maisie. Oh—manners? yes, I—I daresay—but still—but still—not at Wyvern, don't you know. If you like, you can call Mamma 'Lady Cantire,' and me 'Lady Maisie,' and, of course, my Aunt will be 'Lady Culverin,' but—but if there are other people staying in the house, you needn't call them anything, do you see?
Spurr. (to himself). I'm not likely to have the chance! (Aloud.) Well, if you're sure they won't mind it, because I'm not used to this sort of thing, so I put myself in your hands,—for, of course, you know what brought me down here?
Lady Maisie (to herself). He means my foolish letter! Oh, I must put a stop to that at once! (In a hurried undertone.) Yes—yes; I—I think I do. I mean, I do know—but—but please forget it—indeed you must!
Spurr. (to himself). Forget I've come down as a vet? The Culverins will take care I don't forget that! (Aloud.) But, I say, it's all very well; but how can I? Why, look here; I was told I was to come down here on purpose to——.
Lady Maisie (on thorns). I know—you needn't tell me! And don't speak so loud! Mamma might hear!
Spurr. (puzzled). What if she did? Why, I thought her la—your Mother knew!
Lady Maisie (to herself). He actually thinks I should tell Mamma! Oh, how dense he is! (Aloud.) Yes—yes—of course she knows—but—but you might wake her! And—and please don't allude to it again—to me or—or anyone. (To herself.) That I should have to beg him to be silent like this! But what can I do? Goodness only knows what he mightn't say, if I don't warn him!
Spurr. (nettled). I don't mind who knows. I'm not ashamed of it, Lady Maisie—whatever you may be!
Lady Maisie (to herself, exasperated). He dares to imply that I've done something to be ashamed of! (Aloud; haughtily.) I'm not ashamed—why should I be? Only—oh, can't you really understand that—that one may do things which one wouldn't care to be reminded of publicly? I don't wish it—isn't that enough?
Spurr. (to himself). I see what she's at now—doesn't want it to come out that she's travelled down here with a vet! (Aloud, stiffly.) A lady's wish is enough for me at anytime. If you're sorry for having gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I'm not the person to take advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave.
[He takes refuge in offended silence.
Lady Maisie (to herself). Why did I say anything at all! I've only made things worse—I've let him see that he has an advantage. And he's certain to use it sooner or later—unless I am civil to him. I've offended him now—and I shall have to make it up with him!
Spurr. (to himself). I thought all along she didn't seem as chummy as her mother—but to turn round on me like this!
Lady Cant. (waking up). Well, Mr. Andromeda, I should have thought you and my daughter might have found some subject in common; but I haven't heard a word from either of you since we left the station.
Lady Maisie (to herself). That's some comfort! (Aloud.) You must have had a nap, Mamma. We—we have been talking.
Spurr. Oh yes, we have been talking, I can assure you—er—Lady Cantire!
Lady Cant. Dear me. Well, Maisie, I hope the conversation was entertaining?
Lady Maisie. M-most entertaining, Mamma!
Lady Cant. I'm quite sorry I missed it. (The omnibus stops.) Wyvern at last! But what a journey it's been, to be sure!
Spurr. (to himself). I should just think it had. I've never been so taken up and put down in all my life! But it's over now; and, thank goodness, I'm not likely to see any more of 'em!
[He gets out with alacrity.
"THE LITTLE MORE AND HOW MUCH IT IS."
She (engaged to another). "We don't seem to be getting on very well; something seems to be weighing us down!"
He (gloomily). "It's that Diamond and Sapphire Ring on your left hand. We should be all right if it weren't for that!"
Mrs. R. has often had a cup of tea in a storm, but she cannot for the life of her see how there can possibly be a storm in a tea-cup.
INFELICITOUS MISQUOTATIONS.
Hostess. "You've eaten hardly anything, Mr. Simpkins!"
Mr. S. "My dear lady, I've Dined 'wisely, but not too well!'"
THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT.
Bruin. "HA!—WHICHEVER WINS, I SEE MY WAY TO A DINNER!"
THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT.
["Russia's love of peace is outweighed by her duty to safeguard her vital interests, which would seriously suffer were Japan or China to modify the present state of things in Corea."—Official Russian view of the Corean situation, given by "Daily Telegraph" Correspondent at St. Petersburg.]
Bruin, loquitur.
"Duty to safeguard my interests?" Quite so!
Nice way of putting it, yes, and so moral!
Yet I love Peace! Pity game-cocks will fight so!
Disfigures their plumes and their combs' healthy "coral."
Big Cochin-China and Bantam of Jap
Feel at each other they must have a slap.
Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!
Humph! I must keep a sharp eye on the two!
Peace, now! She is such a loveable darling!
Goddess I worship in rapt contemplation.
Spurring and crowing, and snapping and snarling,
Wholly unworthy a bird—or a nation!
Still there is Duty! I have an idea
Mine lies in watching this fight in Corea.
Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!
Bull yonder looks in a bit of a stew!
Some say my destiny pointeth due North,
Ice-caves are all very well—for a winter-rest.
But Bruin's fond of adventuring forth;
In the "Far East" he feels quite a warm interest;