PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 101.

November 21st, 1891.

CARS, IN HONOUR OF THE WELSH LORD MAYOR,

STRANGELY ENOUGH OMITTED FROM THE PROCESSION ON THE NINTH.

CANCEL, OR RECALL.

The World last week sounded a note about the compulsory retirement, by reason of age, from one of the large Revenue Departments, of a gentleman who has the great honour to be the son of "the most distinguished Irishman of this century." If this sentence has really been passed authoritatively, which Mr. Punch takes leave to doubt, then said "Authority" will do well to recall it in favour of the son of the Liberator, which his name is also "DAN." And, to give the well-known lines so often quoted,—

When DAN'L saw the writing on the wall,

At first he couldn't make it out at all."

And the sooner the official writing on the wall—if it exists—be obliterated, the better for the public service, as, when the public, like the Captain in the ballad of "Billy Taylor," "Comes for to hear on't," the said British Public will "werry much applaud what has been done" in suppressing, not issuing, reconsidering, or revoking the order. So says "Mr. P.," and the "B.P." will agree with him.

THE ANCIENT MILLINER.

(His Reminiscences of the Recent Gale.)

PART I.

IT was the Ancient Milliner

Stood by his open door;

The tale he told was something like

A tale I'd heard before.

* * * *

I called forthwith a Hansom, and

"Now, Cabman, drive!" I cried;

"For I must get this bandbox home

Before the eventide.

Raining Cats and Dogs

"The bride a-pacing up the aisle

Mad as a dog would be,

Without this sweet confection of

Silk and passementerie."

Westward the good cab flew. The horse

Was kick-some, wild, and gay;

He tossed his head from side to side

In an offensive way.

He tossed his head, he shook his mane,

And he was big and black;

He wore a little mackintosh

Upon his monstrous back.

I mused upon that mackintosh,

All mournfully mused I;

It was too small a thing to keep

So large a beastie dry.

And on we went up Oxford Street

With a short, uneasy motion;

What made the beast go sideways I

Have not the faintest notion

But we ran into an omnibus

With a short, uneasy motion.

All in a hot, improper way.

The rude 'bus-driver said,

That them what couldn't drive a horse

Should try a moke instead.

Never a word my cabman spoke—

No audible reply—

But, oh, a thousand scathing things

He thought; and so did I.

"What ails thee, Ancient Milliner?

What means thy ashen hue?

Why look'st thou so?"—I murmured, "Blow!"

And at my word it blew.

PART II.

The storm-blast came down Edgware Road,

Shrieking in furious glee,

It struck the cab, and both its doors

Leaped open, flying free.

I shut those doors, and kept them close

With all my might and main;

The storm-blast snatched them from my hands,

And forced them back again,

It blew the cabman from his perch

Towards the hornéd moon;

I saw him dimly overhead

Sail like a bad balloon.

It blew the bandbox far away

Across the angry sea;

The English Channel's scattered with

Silk and passementerie.

The silly horse within the shaft

One moment did remain;

And then the harness snapped, and he

Went flying through the rain;

And fell, a four-legged meteor,

Upon the coast of Spain.

First Voice.

"What makes that cab move on so fast

Wherein no horse I find?"

Second Voice.

"The horse has cut away before;

The cab's blown from behind."

Then just against the Harrow Road

I made one desperate bound—

A leprous lamp-post and myself

Lay mingled in a swound!

And cables snapped, and all things snapped;

When the next morn was grey,

The Telegraph appeared without

Its "Paris Day by Day."

PART III.

Oh, cheapness is a pleasant thing,

Beloved from pole to pole!

To get a thing at one-and-four,

For which your friend pays twopence more,

Is balm unto the soul.

And cheaper than that Hansom cab

Whose tale I've told thee thus,

Far cheaper it had been to take

The stately omnibus!

To take the stately omnibus

Where all together sit;

Each takes his ticket in his hands,

Obeys the Company's commands,

And pays his pence for it.

And if you would not find yourself

Wrecked in the Edgware Road,

Do not be vulgar and declare

You wish you may be blowed!

THE "MASHER'S" ANSWER,

[Dr. ARABELLA KENEALY, in the Westminster Review, is severe on the young men of the day for not dancing, and avoiding matrimony.]

BLESS me, Doctor ARABELLA,

Hard a lady's hand can strike!

Do you really mean a fella'

Is to dance; just when you like?

Why so savagely sarcastic,

That we will not "take the floor"

And account the "light fantastic"

An unmitigated bore?

You avow we're shy of marriage.

Is not that too hard again?

When a maiden wants a carriage,

And a mansion in Park Lane,

Diamonds, furs, and opera-boxes:

Although ardently one loves,

All the balance I've at Cox's

Wouldn't keep a girl in gloves.

"WILL YOU, WONT YOU?"

(A Lay of the Lord Chancellor. Very latest Version, NOT from "Iolanthe.")

Lord Halsbury (to Bill Sikes). "IF YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING, IT WILL GO AGAINST YOU; AND IF YOU DO, IT WILL BE ALL UP WITH YOU!"

["The Lord Chancellor declares himself the foe of any 'technical system' which excludes 'anybody who knows anything about the facts from the opportunity of stating what is the truth.' ... We may take it that very soon we shall see that which may appear strange to English lawyers, but really is most reasonable—the accused stepping out of the dock into the witness-box, and giving his evidence, subject to the ordeal of cross-examination. It may be a bad look-out for rogues, but for nobody else."—Times.]

The Law should be the embodiment

Of everything that is excellent.

But I fancy I've found one diminutive flaw

In that else impeccable thing, the Law.

As its constitutional guardian, I

Must extract that mote from the legal eye.

It seems a preposterous paradox

To exclude the accused from the Witness's Box.

To alter that is a duty for

A very unprejudiced Chancellor.

Here's the Box, my SIKES! With particular pride

I invite you, WILLIAM, to—step inside,

Some peculiar things, things rich and rare,

I shall have to show you when you are there.

"Will you walk into my par——" dear me!

What a curious matter is memory!

What, what has that old song to do

With the little matter 'twixt me and you?

I apologise for the irrelevance, for

I am such a logical Chancellor!

If you step inside—as I trust you will—

We shall worm out the Truth with forensic skill;

And if you decline—as I hope you won't—

We shall know there are reasons, friend, why you don't.

So the Truth must benefit any way,

My beloved BILL. What is that you say?

You don't care a cuss for the Truth? Oh, fie!

Truth makes one a free man. Step in and try!

The triumph of Truth is a triumph for

A highly inquisitive Chancellor!

'Twill be most instructive to Judge and Jury

To hear you give evidence. Why this fury?

We can judge, you see, by the way he'll behave,

'Twixt a simpleton and a clever knave.

The Times says so. Eh! Confound the Times?

Oh, don't say so, BILL! A man of crimes

Might funk the ordeal; but this is the plan

To help the Law—and the Honest Man;

And therefore the plan of all plans for

A highly compassionate Chancellor!

ROBERT ON THE LORD MARE'S SHO.

Well, I've had the grate good luck to have seen praps as menny Lord Mare's Shos as most peeple, praps more—not so menny, in course, as that werry old but slitely hexadgerating Lady, as bowsted as she had seen hunderds on 'em—but for sum things, speshally for Rain, and mud, and slush, the last one beats 'em all holler! What poor little Whales could have done to put the Clark of the Whether into sitch a temper, in course I don't know, but if he'd have had a good rattling attack of the gout in both big Tos, like some past Lord Mares as we has most on us heard on, he coudn't posserbly have bin in a wuss one.

Praps them as most xcited my reel pitty was the LORD MARE'S six genelmen in their luvly new State liverries, and their bewtifool pink silk stockings a showing of their manly carves, all splashing along through the horful mud, and made crewel fun of by the damp and thortless crowd. The fust reel staggerer was the reel Firemen, about a thowsand on 'em, a marching along as bold as their brass Helmets. What did they care for the rain and the mud! and didn't they look as it they was a longing for a jolly grand Fire to bust out, jest to show us how easy it was to put it out, tho' they had lost their jolly Captin. Then there was the pretty Welch Milk Maids, in their chimbley-pot Hats, and their funny-looking custooms, all a being drawn by six horses, and having some Bards and Arpers to take care on 'em, and lend 'em humberrellars to keep off the rain. Ah! won't they have sum nice little stories to tell all their frends when they gits back to Whales, inclewding their singing of wun of their hold Welch songs afore the LORD MARE and all his nobel gests in the evening. No wonder that they was so estonished and bewillderd that they quite forgot to take off their chimbley-pot Hats wile they was a singing. But their LORD MARE and countryman kindly forgave 'em all, and away they went rejoysing.

Upon the hole, I'm quite reddy to bear my testimoney to the fack that, if we coud by any posserbility have left out the horful rain, and the mud, and the pore soaked and dismal-looking mothers and children, it woud have been about the werry finest looking Sho ewer seen. The Bankwet at nite was jest as good as ushal, and indeed rayther better, and just to sho how thuroly eweryboddy had recovered from his morning's drenshing, the compny acshally larfed at the LORD CHANCELLOR'S Speach, and cheered the LORD MARE to the Hekko!

ROBERT.

A STAGGERER!

Rector's Wife (instructing an Aspiring Buttons, who has answered her advertisement). "YOU'LL HAVE TO OPEN THE SHUTTERS AND THE HALL-DOOR, SEE TO THE STUDY FIRE, PUT THE THINGS READY IN THE BATH-ROOM, THEN CALL YOUR MASTER PUNCTUALLY AT SIX, CLEAN HIS BOOTS AND BRUSH HIS CLOTHES, CLEAN ALL THE CHILDREN'S BOOTS AND SHOES, AND BRUSH THEIR CLOTHES, LAY THE BREAKFAST PUNCTUALLY AT EIGHT, AFTER WHICH YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THE PONY AND TRAP READY TO DRIVE THE CHILDREN TO SCHOOL, AND BE BACK IN GOOD TIME. AFTER YOU'VE DRESSED THE PONY AND CLEANED YOUR KNIVES AND SILVER, YOU WILL MAKE YOURSELF TIDY, AND THEN YOU'LL LAY THE LUNCH—"

Aspiring Buttons (gasping). "PLEASE, 'M—BEG PARD'N—PLACE WON'T DO FOR ME. WHY, I SHOULD WANT A NEW SUIT O' CLOTHES BEFORE YOU'VE FINISHED TELLING ME WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, AND THEN I SHOULDN'T FIND TIME TO BE MEASURED FOR 'EM! GOOD MORN'N."

[Exit Aspirant.

RATHER VAGUE.—Sir EDWARD BRADFORD, Commissioner of Police, informs the Public, through a paragraph in the Times, about a meeting at the Marylebone Vestry, that whenever in the Metropolis a street is found to be dangerously slippery, some one (probably a policeman) is to telegraph to the "local authority" (who? what? which? where?) and inform him, her, them (whatever represents the aforesaid "local authority"), of the fact. Well, and what then? Who's to do what, and when is it to be done? And what is the penalty for not doing whatever it is?

SHORTLY TO APPEAR.—Amiable Almonds, by the Authoress of Cross Currents. To be followed by Rum Raisins, Delightful Dates, and Polly Peach. Also, Dolt Care What Apples to Me! being the Story of "A Mal wil a Cold id is Ed."

BIGOTED.—An Anti-Ritualistic old Lady objected to paying her water-rate, when she was informed that she would be patronising "a High Service."

MEMORANDUM FOR MINOR POETS.—It is an elegant thing to write ballades and rondeaux, but it is tyrannous to read them to your visitors.

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.

No. XV.

SCENE—The Table d Hôte at Lugano: CULCHARD has not yet caught Miss PRENDERGAST'S eye.

Culchard (to Mr. BELLERBY). Have you—ah—been up Monte Generoso yet?

"I knock off quite a number of these while I'm abroad like this."

Mr. B. No. (After reflecting) No, I haven't. But I was greatly struck by its remarkably bold outline from below. Indeed, I dashed off a rough sketch of it on the back of one of my visiting cards. I ought to have it somewhere about me now. (Searching himself.) Ah, I thought so! (Handing a vague little scrawl to CULCHARD, who examines it with the deepest interest.) I knock off quite a number of these while I'm abroad like this. Send 'em in letters to relatives at home—gives them a notion of the place. They are—ar—kind enough to value them. (CULCHARD makes a complimentary mumble.) Yes, I'm a very rapid sketcher. Put me with regular artists, and give us half an hour, and I—ar—venture to say I should be on terms with them. Make it three hours, and—well, I daresay I shouldn't be in it.

Podbury (who has dropped into the chair next to Miss PRENDERGAST and her brother). BOB, old chap, I'll come in the middle, if you don't mind. I say, this is ripping—no idea of coming across you so soon as this. (Lowering his voice, to Miss P.) Still pegging away at my "penance," you see!

Miss Prend. The pleasure is more than mutual; but do I understand that Mr. ——? So tiresome, I left my glasses up in my room! [She peers up and down the line of faces on her own side of the table.

Miss T. (to Culch.) I want you should notice that girl. I think she looks just as nice as she can be, don't you?

Culch. (carefully looking in every other direction). I—er—mumble—mumble—don't exactly— [Here a Waiter offers him a dish containing layers of soles disguised under thick brown sauce; CULCHARD mangles it with an ineffectual spoon. The Waiter, with pitying contempt, "Tut-tut-tut! Pesce Signore—feesh!" CULCH. eventually lands a sole in a very damaged condition.

Podb. (to Miss P.) No—not this side—just opposite. (Here CULCH., in fingering a siphon which is remarkably stiff on the trigger, contrives to send a spray across the table and sprinkle Miss PRENDERGAST, her brother, and PODBURY, with impartial liberality). Now don't you see him? As playful as ever, isn't he! Don't try to make out it was an accident, old fellow. Miss PRENDERGAST knows you! [Misery of CULCHARD.

Miss P. (graciously). Pray don't apologise, Mr. CULCHARD; not the least harm done! You must forgive me for not recognising you before, but you know of old how provokingly shortsighted I am, and I've forgotten my glasses.

Culch. (indistinctly). I—er—not at all ... most distressed, I assure you ... really no notion—

Miss T. (in an undertone). Say, you know her, then? And you never let on!

Culch. Didn't I? Oh, surely! yes, I've—er—met that lady. (With grateful deference to Mr. BELLERBY, who has just addressed him.) You are an Art-Collector? Indeed? And—er—have you—er—?

Mr. B. I've the three finest Bodgers in the kingdom, Sir, and there's a Gubbins—a Joe Gubbins, mind you, not John—that's hanging now in the morning-room of my place in the country that I wouldn't take a thousand pounds for! I go about using my eyes and pick 'em up cheap. Cheapest picture I ever bought was a Prout—thirty-two by twenty; got it for two pound ten! Unfinished, of course, but it only wanted the colour being brought up to the edge. I did that. Took me half a day, and now—well, any dealer would give me hundreds for it! But I shall leave it to the nation, out of respect for PROUT'S memory.

Bob Pr. (to PODBURY). Yes, came over by; the St. Gothard. Who is that girl who was talking to CULCHARD just now? Do you know her? I say, I wish you'd introduce me some time.

Miss T. (to CULCHARD). You don't seem vurry bright this evening. I'd like you to converse with your friend opposite, so I could get a chance to chip in. I'm ever so interested in that girl!

Culch. Presently—presently, if I have an opportunity. (Hastily, to Mr. B.) I gather that you paint yourself, Sir?

Mr. B. Well, yes. I assure you I often go to a Gallery, see a picture there that takes my fancy, go back to my office, and paint it in half an hour from memory—so lake the original that, if it were framed, and hung up alongside, it would puzzle the man who painted it to know t'other from which! I have indeed! I paint original pictures, too. Most important thing I ever did was—let me see now—three feet by two and three-quarters. I was most successful in getting an effect of rose-coloured snow against the sky. I sponged it up, and—well, it came right somehow. Luck, that was, not skill, you know. I sent that picture to the Royal Academy, and they did me the honour to—ar—reject it.

Culch. (vaguely). An—er—honour, indeed.—(In despair, as Mr. B. rises.)—You—You're not going!

Mr. B. (consolingly). Only into the garden, for coffee. I observe you are interested in Art. We will—ar—resume this conversation later.

[Rises; Miss PRENDERGAST rises too, and goes towards the garden.

Culch. (as he follows, hastily). I must get this business over—if I can. But I wish I knew exactly how much to tell her. It's really very awkward—between the two of them. I'm afraid I've been a little too precipitate.

In the Garden; a few minutes later.

Miss Prend. (who has retired to fetch her glasses, with gracious playfulness). Well, Mr. CULCHARD, and how has my knight performed his lady's behests?

Culch. May I ask which knight you refer to?

Miss P. (slightly changing countenance). Which! Then—you know there is another? Surely there is nothing in that circumstance to—to offend—or hurt you?

Culch. Offended? (Considers whether this would be a good line to take.) Hardly that. Hurt? Well, I confess to being pained—very much pained, to discover that I was unconsciously pitted—against PODBURY!

Miss P.. But why? I have expressed no preference as yet. You can scarcely have become so attached to him that you dread the result of a successful rivalry!

Culch. (to himself). It's a loop-hole—I'll try it. (Aloud.) You have divined my feeling exactly. In—er—obeying your commands, I have learned to know PODBURY better—to see in him a sterling nature, more worthy, in some respects, than my own. And I know how deeply he has centred all his hopes upon you, Miss PRENDERGAST. Knowing, seeing that as I—er—do, I feel that—whatever it costs me—I cannot run the risk of wrecking the—er—life's happiness of so good a fellow. So you must really allow me to renounce vows accepted under—er—an imperfect comprehension of the—er—facts! [Wipes his brow.

Miss P. This is quite too Quixotic. Reflect, Mr. CULCHARD. Is such a sacrifice demanded of you? I assure you I am perfectly neutral at present. I might prefer Mr. PODBURY. I really don't know. And—and I don't like losing one of my suitors like this!

Culch. Don't tempt me! I—I mustn't listen, I cannot. No, I renounce. Be kind to PODBURY—try to recognise the good in him ... he is so devoted to you—make him happy, if you can!

Miss P. (affected). I—I really can't tell you how touched I am, Mr. CULCHARD. I can guess what this renunciation must have cost you. It—it gives me a better opinion of human nature ... it does, indeed!

Culch. (loftily, as she rises to go in). Ah, Miss PRENDERGAST, don't lose your faith in human nature! Trust me, it is—er—full of surprises! (Alone.) Now am I an abominable humbug, or what? I swear I felt every word I said, at the time. Curious psychological state to be in. But I'm out of what might have been a very unpleasant mess at all events!

Miss T. (coming upon him from round a corner). Well, I'm sure, Mr. CULCHARD!

Culch. You are a young lady of naturally strong convictions, I am aware. But what are you so sure of at the present moment?

Miss T. Well, I guess I'm not just as sure of you as I should like to be, anyway. Seems to me, considering you've been so vurry inconsolable away from me, you'd a good deal to say to that young lady in the patent folders. And I'd like an explanation—you're right down splendid at explaining most things.

Culch. (with virtuous indignation). So you actually suspect me of having carried on a flirtation!

Miss T. I guess girls don't use their pocket-handkerchiefs that way over the weather. Who is she, anyway?

Culch. (calmly). If you insist on knowing, she is the lady to whom Mr. PODBURY has every prospect of being engaged. I hope your mind is at ease now?

Miss T. Well, I expect my mind would have stood the strain as it was—so it's Mr. PODBURY who's her admirer? See here, you're going to introduce me to that girl right away. It's real romantic, and I'm perfectly dying to make her acquaintance!

Culch. Hum—well. She is—er—peculiar, don't you know, and I rather doubt whether you will have much in common.

Miss T. Well, if you don't introduce me, I shall introduce myself, that's all.

Culch. By all means. (To himself.) Not if I can prevent it, though!

ONLY FANCY!

We are in a position to give an emphatic contradiction to the rumour, put forward with much assurance, that the King of SPAIN has entered upon negotiations of a matrimonial character with reference to the grand-niece of the Crown Prince of ROUMANIA. No one familiar with His Majesty's views on the Triple Alliance, and his openly-expressed opinion with respect to the occupation of Egypt, could for one moment give credence to a report so intrinsically absurd.

RYMUND has been imposed upon by one of his young men. Our friend, whose susceptibility to the wiles of impostors, though an amiable weakness, somewhat militates against his perfect success in life, has printed a paragraph announcing that the QUEEN will leave Balmoral on Friday the 20th inst. at half-past two in the afternoon, Her MAJESTY reaching Windsor at nine o'clock on Saturday morning. It is twenty-five minutes to three when the Royal train will start, and Windsor will not be reached till five minutes after the hour mentioned by RYMUND. It is crass inaccuracies like these that lower the weekly press in the estimation of an observant public.

HENED has been at it again. Two months ago we published the intelligence that the Princess FREDERICA of Hanover would pass the winter months at Biarritz, a well-known watering-place almost on the border-land between Spain and France. This news was received with gratifying tokens of interest at every Court of Europe, and has been noted in innumerable communications passing privately between high personages. Then HENED comes upon the scene, and pompously makes an identical announcement as a piece of news! Far be it from us to take advantage of infirmity imposed upon a man by the idiocy of his godfathers and godmothers at his baptism. But we are compelled to ask, What can be expected from a man named HENED?

Sir HENRY WOLFF still lingers in town, Bucharest, in the meantime, having to get along as best it may without a British Minister. In private circles likely to be well-informed, the delay is understood to arise directly out of the fact that Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL is now "beyond the reach of regular postal arrangements."

"I wrote to tell GRANDOLPH about ARTHUR BALFOUR stepping into his old shoes as Leader of the House of Commons," says WOLFFY, showing his white teeth; "and, begad, I shall not leave Pall Mall till I hear what he says on the subject."

What is this scandal we hear about the THINGUMMIES? The family are naturally reticent on the subject, but WHOSETHIS has furnished us with some particulars which we believe may be relied on. On Wednesday afternoon, at five minutes to three (as nearly as we can fix the time), Mrs. THINGUMMY was walking down Bond Street, when, just as she reached the point where, as the Directory says, "Here is Bruton Street," who should pass her but WHATSHISNAME. THINGUMMY, who, by a strange chance, happened to be passing in a Hansom cab, was a witness to the rencontre, and following up the clue, came upon particulars which WHATDYECALLIT informs us is likely to make a stir. Mr. GEORGE LEWIS, being a friend of all parties concerned, will not accept a retainer from either side.

The Daily News, in its report of the opening of the Food and Cookery Exhibition at the Agricultural Hall, remarks:—

"It will not be the least attractive feature of the exhibition that samples may be tasted at nearly all the stalls. The exhibition includes samples of gas and asbestos stoves and kitchen ranges."

We have brought this announcement under the notice of a friend who knows what's what when he's out to luncheon, and are disappointed at his lack of enthusiasm. He says he doesn't care about taking his gas that way, and as for asbestos stoves he knows nothing more indigestible, unless it be a kitchen range.

BALDER THE FAIR.

(A Head-Piece.)

[Eminent Physiologists assert that the most intellectual types of the future will be completely bald.]

Do'st imagine all Poets by locks hyacinthine

Distinguished from Lawyers, Physicians, and Aldermen,

By capillary cataracts, thick as are thin thine?—

Bald, sooth to say, few undeniably balder men

Can be found, for the comfort of heads without hair,

Than that exquisite troubadour, BALDER the Fair.

Yes, the times are gone by when a SWINBURNE or BYRON

Were loved for their love-locks and famed for their frizziness,

When Olympian craniums, worthy of MYRON

Or ANGELO, bowed to the hair-dresser's business,

When Macassar's luxuriant essences fed

At once metrical foot and symmetrical head.

DULCINEA, who dotes on that pure, polished surface

(Like ivory turned to the billiard-room's spherosid),

BALDER'S occiput glassing bewitchingly her face,

The face of his Dear, by herself in her hero eyed—

DULCINEA would deem it profanity, were

It in nature to beg for a tress of his hair!

So take warning, ye Minstrels whose locks are a feature,

Be bald, e'en as bald as your verse peradventure is;

To be bald is the crown of the civilised creature,

And barbers are relics of barbarous centuries:

Still, howe'er you may strive, you will never compare,