"Mother and Child," by Lorado Taft
So strong is becoming the ambitions of the mothers of to-day to give the world children that will be an honor to-morrow, that this piece of marble statuary was erected by the Infant Welfare Society of Chicago to express the ideal of the most wonderful thing that can come to any woman—motherhood.
The Eugenic Marriage
A Personal Guide to the New Science of Better Living and Better Babies
By W. GRANT HAGUE, M. D.
College of Physicians and Surgeons (Columbia University), New York; Member of County Medical Society, and of the American Medical Association
In Four Volumes
VOLUME III
New York
THE REVIEW OF REVIEWS COMPANY
1916
Copyright, 1913, by
W. Grant Hague
Copyright, 1914, by
W. Grant Hague
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER XXIV
THE FORMATIVE PERIOD
The best age at which to marry—Incompatibility of temperament—A happy marriage need not be a successful one—The evils of early marriage—The wedding night, its medical aspect—The honeymoon—When marital relations are painful—Times when marital relations should be suspended—The first weeks and months of wifehood—The formative period—A true marriage—A wife's true position in the household—Only 5% of happy marriages—Period of adaptation—Differences of opinion—Differences of principle—The attainment of success—Arguing trifles—You must know what you want—The right kind of wife—Contributing to her husband's efficiency—What are the requisites of efficiency—Good health—Thoroughly cooked meals—Rest at night—Having a system—Enough exercise—Freedom from worry—Do your part—The first quarrel—Fault finding—The husband's efficiency depends upon the wife—Work must be interesting—The wife's part ... PAGE [331]
Advice to Young Wives
CHAPTER XXV
HOW TO ACHIEVE
What the young wife owes to herself—Why was I born—What are the personal qualities necessary to success—What are the personal qualities necessary to happiness—Self-control—What is a thought—The evil habit of hasty judgment—The bad thought habit—Training the mind—"Go about it in the right way"—Be sure your husband's friends are your friends—Be a good fellow—Two kinds of people in the world—Everything depends upon what we do with our mind—The most popular woman—The gift of flattery—Choosing your friends—True friendship expects and demands nothing—True friendship is necessary—"By your friends shall ye be known"—Making resolves—The formula of success—When fortune knocks. ... PAGE [357]
CHAPTER XXVI
SPARE MOMENTS
The study habit—The germ of self-culture—Millions of tiny cells in our brain—The economic value of the study habit—Two ways of gaining knowledge—Happiness in the company of those striving for higher ideals—A young wife's incentive to self-culture—The difference between moral and mental disloyalty—The study habit creates its own interest—Nosophobia, or the dread of disease—"Keep still and be well" ... PAGE [375]
The Home
CHAPTER XXVII
DOMESTIC QUALITIES
A good housekeeper and home-maker—What constitutes a good housekeeper—Preparation and selection of meals—Washing dishes—Pots and pans—Dusting and cleaning—Work cheerfully and be thorough—Don't be a dust chaser—Don't get the anti-sunshine habit—Air your rooms—The ideal home—The medical essentials of a good meal—What makes the home—Working for something—The average housewife's existence is slavery—What shall we work for—Making ends meet—Rest and recreation—Try a nap—Get enough sleep at night—Go out of doors—Take a vacation now and then—Life insurance—Owning a home—The cheerful wife and mother—The indifferent wife and mother—Husband and wife ... PAGE [389]
CHAPTER XXVIII
HOW WE CATCH DISEASE
How we catch disease—How germs enter the lungs—How germs work in the body—The function of the white blood cell—How an abscess is formed—The evil habit of spitting in public places—Sunlight and germs—Why it is necessary to open windows—Facts about tuberculosis—The tendency to disease—The best treatment for tuberculosis—Consumption is a preventable and a curable disease—When delay is dangerous—What to eat and wear in hot weather—Scientific dressing—Drink plenty of water—What to drink when traveling ... PAGE [409]
Diseases of Women
CHAPTER XXIX
DISEASES OF WOMEN
Diseases of women—The beginning of female disease—Ailing women are inefficient—as home-makers, as wife, as mother—Few ailing women become pregnant—The chief cause of female disease—The existence of the average mother—Female diseases are avoidable—The story of the wife—Women who don't want children—Abuse of the procreative function—What the woman with female disease should do—Cancer in women—Cancer of the breast—Cancer of the womb—What every woman should know about cancer—Change of life—The menopause—The climacteric—The average age at which the change of life occurs—Symptoms of the change of life—Importance of a correct diagnosis—Danger signals of the change of life—Conduct during the change of life ... PAGE [433]
The Patent Medicine Evil
CHAPTER XXX
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL
What mothers should know about the patent medicine evil—Tonics—Used by temperance people because it could "stimulate"—Stomach Bitters—Blood Bitters—Sarsaparilla—Celery Compound—Malt Whisky—Headache remedies—Pain Powders—Anti-headache—Headache Powders—Soothing syrups—Baby Friend—Catarrh powders—Kidney Pills—Expectorant—Cough syrup—Lithia Water—Health, wealth and happiness for a dollar a bottle—New Discovery for Consumption—Consumption Cure—Cancer cures—Pills for Pale People—Elixir of Life ... PAGE [451]
CHAPTER XXXI
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL (continued)
The —— Consumption Cure—Personals to Consumptives—Nature's Creation—Female weakness cures—Various compounds and malt whiskies ... PAGE [467]
CHAPTER XXXII
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL (continued)
How patent medicine firms and quacks dispose of the confidential letters sent to them. Patent medicine concerns and letter brokers—The patent medicine conspiracy against the freedom of the press—How the patent medicine trust crushes honest effort ... PAGE [481]
CHAPTER XXXIII
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL (continued)
The patent medicine evil and the duty of the mothers of the race—"Blood money"—The people must be the reformers—Mothers' resolutions ... PAGE [489]
CHAPTER XXIV
"The achievement of an object is dependent upon our determination. Effort is a matter of will. Failure is a product of misdirected determination."
THE FORMATIVE PERIOD
The Best Age at Which to Marry—Incompatibility of Temperament—A Happy Marriage Need Not Be a Successful One—The Evils of Early Marriage—The Wedding Night, its Medical Aspect—The Honeymoon—When Marital Relations are Painful—Times when Marital Relations Should be Suspended—The First Weeks and Months of Wifehood—The Formative Period—A True Marriage—A Wife's True Position in the Household—Only Five Per Cent. of Happy Marriages—Period of Adaptation—Differences of Opinion—Differences of Principle—The Attainment of Success—Arguing Trifles—You Must Know What You Want—The Right Kind of Wife—Contributing to Her Husband's Efficiency—What Are the Requisites of Efficiency—Good Health—Thoroughly Cooked Meals—Rest at Night—Having a System—Enough Exercise—Freedom from Worry—Do Your Part—The First Quarrel—Fault Finding—The Husband's Efficiency Depends Upon the Wife—Work Must be Interesting—The Wife's Part.
THE BEST AGE AT WHICH TO MARRY
In order to determine the best age at which to marry, we must be guided by certain fixed standards. We must find out from statistics the average age of the parents of the best babies. We must determine and analyse the qualifications of what constitutes the "best" babies, according to the eugenic ideal. We should give heed to the fixity of temperamental characteristics in order to determine their adaptability to conditions that prevail at certain ages. We should select an age in advance of the period at which science has determined individuals to have outlived any hereditary tendencies.
We have abundant proof that the best babies are born of parents between the twenty-third and the twenty-sixth years. We know also that the age which responds, with the fullest degree of plasticity, to temperamental characteristics, is in the early twenties. We know, likewise, that inherited tendencies may be said to have been outlived at or about the twenty-second year. The ideal marrying age, therefore, is, for both male and female, approximately the twenty-third year.
The physical, mental and moral development of both men and women, at this period, evidence a high degree of adaptability, and are responsive to the institution of marriage. Their hereditary traits, if any previously existed, assume a dormant form at this age. They have cultivated the temperamental qualities which they will retain, with few modifications, throughout life. On the other hand, their dispositions are responsive to reason, and are capable of readjustment. Their temperamental characteristics are plastic, and under favorable conditions it is possible for both to evidence a degree of sympathy and toleration that bespeaks future harmony and success. No marriage can result in mutual happiness and success if one of the participants is temperamentally incapable of changing his or her convictions. One of the fundamental essentials to peace in the home is the quality of adaptation to circumstances, and no other virtue will be called into existence oftener than this quality. At this age, a man is eager to contribute to the contentment and happiness of his partner, even if it is necessary to sacrifice his own whims and opinions, and a woman, at this period, is temperamentally so constituted that she will respond to the same impulses.
Incompatibility of temperament simply implies that two individuals are so constituted that they cannot, or will not, adapt themselves to the temperamental characteristics of each other. This condition is one of the most prolific causes of unfortunate marriages. Age has a great deal to do with this situation. Men over thirty have unconsciously developed habits of judgment and are too set in their opinions and ways to accommodate themselves easily, or without friction, to the temperamental differences that will undoubtedly exist in their wives. The spirit of adaptation, which is a characteristic of younger years, is lacking, and a mental readjustment is scarcely to be expected. We, therefore, frequently observe in the marriage relations of certain individuals a spirit of friendship existing rather than that of companionship which should be the quality that binds them together. Statistics prove that "affinities" creep into the lives of those who marry early, or in those who marry after thirty. This form of domestic infelicity may be rightly regarded as a product of "incompatibility of temperament."
A happy marriage need not be a successful one. Some couples attain happiness through sorrow, grief, and failure. The so-called happy marriage, like happiness itself, is only a myth, made up of anticipation and memory. You have only to look into the calm and wrinkled faces of old women, and talk to them to discover that the outcome of unselfishness and abnegation forms the nearest approach to happiness in married life or out of it. It is the bearing of the burdens of life that constitutes its happiness.
The Evils of Early Marriage.—No woman has the vitality to stand the strain of maternity before the twenty-third year. If a girl marries at eighteen years of age she gives the world children totally unfit to struggle with its problems. At about twenty-two years she may give one child of value to the world, but all others following will be increasingly unfit. In early marriages children are apt to come too frequently, and this is one cause of infant mortality. Statistics show that children born with an interval between them of only one year have a mortality of one hundred per cent, higher rating than those born with an interval of two years. And if these children are the progeny of very young mothers the percentage is even greater. The percentage of children who are malformed and idiotic is greater among those born of too young parents. It has been shown that the child can only inherit what the parents possess. If the parents are not of an age when all the powers are at their highest, the child is robbed of just this amount of growth and force lacking; no amount of education or training can supply this loss.
There is another feature of early marriages that should receive serious consideration. A girl of eighteen or twenty has not reached that period of growth where certain inherited tendencies will show. If she has inherited a predisposition to consumption she may outgrow this period provided she is permitted to reach her full growth without subjecting her constitution to any strenuous physical or mental strain. If, however, this girl marries and becomes a mother, the incident effect upon her health will most likely weaken her to the extent of bringing to the surface the inherited tendency. Many mothers succumb to just such conditions, where had they remained single until a later period they could have assumed the responsibility of maternity without any evil consequences.
The idea that by an early marriage a woman can train and change the inborn characteristics of her husband is a mistake. Few women can reform a husband after marriage. If she cannot reform him before marriage she will never do it afterward. These inborn traits will have their way despite anything she may be able to do to change them—only the man himself can control and govern them. During the period of this temperamental transformation the function of parenthood should not be exercised. Only when a man's character is fully matured should he be permitted to transfer it to another generation.
The idea has been advanced that early marriages will tend to preserve youth from sowing wild oats. The woman who is the victim of this delusion will reap a harvest of discontent and misery. Any man who needs the sacrifice of a woman to cultivate the art of self-control is not a fit citizen, far less a fit husband or father. A man who is willing to bring children into the world before he is a self-governed animal does not understand the first principles of race-regeneration, and it is the duty of parents to educate their sons and daughters in this fundamental idea. To be an efficient parent one must be mentally, morally, and physically developed.
The Wedding Night;—Its Medical Aspect.—The fundamental object of true marriage is the propagation of the species. Woman plays the more important part in the consummation of this duty inasmuch as she is the origin and depository of the future being. It is, therefore, most important that she should not be wholly ignorant of the nature and responsibilities of her position. Suffering, disease and death may result as a consequence of ignorance of these matters. It is the duty and the privilege of medical science to state, in language which all may understand, the facts regarding this interesting human event.
It would seem as though suffering to some degree, characterized each epoch in a woman's life; menstruation, marriage and maternity. Much may be done, however, to lessen the pain necessary to the consummation of marriage. Not infrequently difficulty is experienced in this respect and great care, forbearance and gentleness must be exercised or unnecessary pain and injury may result. It is quite possible to cause serious injury by unrestrained impetuosity and this must be guarded against. It is sometimes absolutely necessary to consult a physician, especially in cases where greater resistance is experienced than is to be expected. These are rare cases.
The first conjugal approaches are usually accompanied by a slight bleeding. They may not be so, however, and the absence of blood has no significance or meaning. The most suitable time to select for marriage is midway between the monthly periods. This is a season of sterility, and as the first nuptial relations may be followed by indisposition, pain and nervous irritability, it would be well to select a time when these ailments shall have an opportunity to subside before the appearance of the disturbances incident to pregnancy.
The Honeymoon.—From a medical standpoint there is great need of a radical change in the way in which this nuptial period is spent. For many weeks previous to marriage the bride's existence is a long drawn-out period of nervous tension. Instead of enjoying mental and physical rest and repose, every moment of the time is crowded with exacting incidents, which, ordinarily, would wreck the nervous system of a robust individual. If this exciting preparatory experience ended in a period of rest and recuperation, it might not prove physically disastrous, instead of which, however, we know that the bride is subjected to a series of physiological tragedies which few weather with impunity. At no time of her life is she more in need of being surrounded with all the comforts of home and the intelligent direction of sympathizing friends who understand and appreciate the crisis through which she is passing. Custom, however, dictates that she shall be hurried from place to place at a time when the bodily quiet and the mental calmness and serenity so desirable to her should be the only object in view.
Marital relations still continue painful and will be so for a few weeks. Too frequent indulgence at this period is a fruitful source of various inflammatory diseases, and often occasions temporary sterility and ill health. In many cases constitutional disturbances and nervous disorders have their beginning at this time and these unfortunate conditions are directly caused by the discomforts incident to the silliness of the social custom which deprives the woman of the rest and quiet necessary.
The awakening of the sexual function is a tremendously important medical incident in the life of any woman. The simplest mind may adequately understand why such an experience should be consummated in a cheerful environment of domestic comfort and peace. To drag a girl around sight-seeing, when her nerves are on edge and supersensitive; when she is physically unfit, weary and not at all interested; when her brain is apprehensively busy with secret conjectures in which her husband even may not participate, is a species of torture which the average bride submits to with the best grace possible because social custom dictates the stupid programme.
Mothers should approach this subject with tact and diplomacy, but they should, nevertheless, approach it with firm intentions to persuade their daughters to consider the situation from a common sense standpoint. The custom of the honeymoon survives because young brides do not appreciate the facts involved. It is the mother's duty to acquaint them with the truth, and no sensible mother will plan, or agree to a honeymoon that involves continuous discomfort and possible serious consequences to the health of her daughter at the beginning of what should be the happiest period of her life.
When Marital Relations Are Painful.—Nature did not intend that the act by which the earth is to be replenished should be painful. If therefore, pain is a constant characteristic of this function, it is an evidence that disease exists and it should be given attention at the earliest possible moment. A displaced, congested womb is most frequently the cause. Such displacements most likely are a result of imprudence in dress, constipation and general negligence on the part of the victim. To delay or postpone assistance in such cases is dangerous, while on the other hand, relief is prompt and as a rule satisfactory if taken in time.
Times When Marital Relations Should be Suspended.—There are times when such relations are eminently improper. There are certain legitimate causes for denial by the wife.
Intoxication in the husband is a good reason for refusal. Idiots and epileptics have been produced as a result of one parent being intoxicated when fecundation took place. Many cases are on record whose history is well authenticated where the mental faculties of the offspring have been totally destroyed.
Convalescence from a severe sickness is a just cause for sexual abstinence. The existence of any local or constitutional disease which would be aggravated by marital relationship is also a just cause of refusal. The existence of a contagious disease renders a refusal valid. Sexual intercourse should never be permitted during the menses. Pregnancy is unquestionably a just cause for refraining from all marriage duties.
The First Weeks and Months of Wifehood.—The daughter is established in her own home: she is now the young wife, the prospective mother. What can we say that will be helpful at this period—those wonderful first weeks and months of wifehood? Her guiding star will unquestionably be the unconscious lessons she has absorbed from the tactful talks with mother. She will unwittingly pattern her conduct, to a large extent, after her, and follow the routine mother adopted in the old home. But there is a new factor to be considered. Her life, present and future, her possibilities, her very happiness, is dependent upon the husband. The old saying, that, "you must live with a man to really know him," she will find to be all too true. The story of her future life might be safely told if we could know how she will meet the new vicissitudes. She has known her husband only as a sweetheart, she has clothed him with virtues that exist only in her imagination, will he measure up to her expectations? She is watchful and tactful,—the little mother-talks she remembers. She did not believe when mother told her, that he had qualities which she would only find out after marriage, but she knows now. She is learning that household duties are exacting and fretful; that, though married, life still has a few thorns. She finds out also that the long day, when husband is at business, affords many opportunities for reflection and serious thought. These moments of seeming leisure are the moments of destiny. They are the introspective moments, when she weighs and measures out for herself sympathy, if she is not made of the right stuff, or she makes strong resolutions, and prepares herself mentally to win out in the new life. They are the moments when her subconscious intelligence is trying to express itself in the spirit of truth and honesty, when she weighs and measures and analyses the exigencies of the new environment. Her destiny depends upon the inspiration that is impressed upon her brain as a result of these self-communings.
Most of us would not follow exactly the path we trod had we the opportunity to live our lives over again. The young wife has the chance to "do it over again." She has the opportunity of a new beginning. She should regard this opportunity as the most precious gift she will ever obtain. Many would give untold wealth for her chance. Happiness and riches lie at her feet. All the experiences that make life worth living are within her grasp. It all depends upon herself. An enthusiast is apt to be insistent. If his cause is just we gain by his insistency and determination. We are enthusiasts on this subject, we want you to believe in our disinterested sincerity. We believe,—in fact we know, that the first few months after marriage is the critical period in every woman's life so far as the attainment of happiness and success is concerned. No physician can practice medicine for years and fail to have this truth impressed upon him again and again.
Every intelligent person knows that most young girls enter into the marriage relationship without a real understanding of its true meaning, or even a serious thought regarding its duties or its responsibilities. Maternity is thrust upon these physically and mentally immature young wives, and they assume the principal role in a relationship that is onerous and exacting. We know that the duties of wife and mother require an intelligence which is rendered efficient only by experience. We know that young wives acquire habits which undermine their health and their morals unwittingly. And we also know that the product of this diversified inefficiency is what constitutes the decadence and the degeneracy of the human race. Is it any wonder that mistakes occur, that heartaches abound, and that homes are degraded?
What is the remedy? Education! Systematized instruction; an efficient and everlasting propaganda of education carried into the homes of the thousands of young wives and mothers who are willing, but who do not know how to play their part creditably and efficiently.
The Formative Period.—The period prior to marriage is the formative period, the character building years. Matrimony is to be the test of how we have built our castle. The success of the matrimonial venture—for every marriage is an experiment—depends absolutely upon the result of the first year. We would, therefore, seriously, and earnestly, request the young wife to think deeply upon this problem and not to ignore the fact that the success of the venture is absolutely dependent upon her efforts to a very large degree. Some may assert that the husband is the essential equation, so far as happiness and success is concerned in the matrimonial venture. We do not think so. A home is what the woman makes it. A man may not be an ideal husband, or even a good father, though his home, to his children, may be heaven itself if the wife is a born mother and a good woman. On the other hand a man may be patient, hard working, self-sacrificing, good father, but he cannot make a happy home, for his children, if his wife is not the right kind of a woman.
A true marriage implies love and confidence, and in the vast majority of marriages these qualities can be regarded as tangible, and may be used as any other business equity is used, for a certain time. The length of time depends upon the use to which this asset is put during the early months of marriage. It is the utilization of this time, how best to employ it, that concerns us here.
A word as to a wife's true position in the household may be opportune. There is no question but that her status has changed in the last generation. Whether this change is for the better is a matter of opinion. It is too large and too intricate a problem to be fully discussed in a book of this character. Any opinion on such a subject must of necessity, in our judgment, be a warped one. There are few, very few, absolutely happy and congenial homes. It has been estimated that only five per cent. of all marriages are successful. If five per cent. make a success of marriage why could not the other ninety-five? The reasons are not fundamental or serious—they are trivial as a rule. It is making the right beginning that counts. If this is the secret, and every married person of experience will testify to this truth, the young wife should give the matter her serious consideration. In the life history of every couple there is a period of adaptation, which is sooner or later passed through at the expense of one or the other, or both, resigning themselves to an acceptance of the stronger, or positive, elements in the other's disposition.
Differences of Opinion.—If a woman discovers, for example, that her husband has very decided views upon certain matters, and these views do not in any way conflict with the law, moral or otherwise, and the adoption of them does not necessitate the denial of a principle, it would be far better for her to acquiesce in these views, rather than to obstinately adhere to her opinions,—especially if she cannot, in a friendly way, offer an argument strong enough to convince him he is wrong. One or the other of every married pair will have to be willing to give in, in all trivial matters that come up from day to day, if a harmonious degree of existence is to be reached.
It is certainly natural to assume that ordinarily the wife will be the one to concede most. She is supposed to be endowed with all the gentler attributes. Therefore our advice,—irrespective of all the arguments which may be made, and which we need not even hint at, here, but which are at the tongue's end of every so-called advanced woman,—is for the young wife to gratefully concede a great deal to her husband.
If a man's daily life is clean, and if his ambition is to work in order to provide a comfortable home for his wife and children, he is deserving of the love and confidence of any true woman. And inasmuch as you have chosen this man for your husband, for your guide and for the father of your unborn children, it behooves you to find out how you may quickly accommodate yourself to be his helpmate, his friend, his confidant and companion, throughout all the years of your life. Let us assure you without fear of contradiction, that you will endear yourself to him by your willingness to be advised and guided by him. Such an attitude will engender a tangible confidence that may be drawn upon to weather temperamental contests that might otherwise prove to be serious obstacles in building up a mutual respect and trust and which is essential to peace and happiness. He will look for your word of cheer, and he will willingly tell you more and more of his inmost thoughts and ambitions, and unconsciously he will rely upon your judgment, your womanly intuition, your help, in every move he makes. The time when you will have to "give in" will have passed away. You will have made yourself part of his life, his mentality, you will have reached the goal of domestic happiness, and that is as near paradise as most of us reach in this world. It all depends upon "how you go about it" in the first few months of married life.
Consider the other picture. If a wife cultivates, or has the inherited inclination to argue trifles, to bicker over mere matters of opinion, even if she wins occasionally, what does she gain? Nothing! The husband resents the tendency to argument. His pride is wounded at the thought that his wife needs to be convinced of every opinion he advances. Such an attitude completely breaks down the tangible confidence that is essential to peace and happiness. Soon he begins to keep his opinion to himself; the serpent enters the home; the wife finds he is interested in things of which he does not inform her. Jealousy, lack of confidence, doubt,—the skeletons of all domestic peace and happiness soon accomplish their terrible and tragic work, and the end is not difficult to imagine.
Most of the things regarding which husbands and wives quarrel are of no special moment. They are not momentous subjects,—it is usually a trifle that mars the domestic peace. It takes but a few years for most women to appreciate that many of the things that cause heartaches are not of any consequence at all. They originate, as a rule, in one or the other failing to appreciate that the other has certain individual rights which demand some degree of respectful consideration. The ego element in human nature is responsible for a very considerable portion of the domestic infelicity that mars the home life of a large proportion of the people.
Trivial Differences.—Many homes have been broken or rendered permanently wretched by trivial differences. The husband may like to play games, the wife may want to read. One may like to go out to parties and theaters, the other may want to stay at home. Before marriage these differences appear to merest trifles and are the subjects of good-humored bantering; after marriage they cause constant dissension, constant friction. A trifle is the usual beginning, a divorce may be the end. A little lack of tact, an unwillingness to sacrifice self in a small measure "at the right moment" and friction would have ended.
It is a reflection upon our intelligence, and it is rather significant that it should be the little, trifling things that cause most of the troubles and heartaches in the world. We rarely quarrel over the important episodes Of life; the real things, the things that constitute the measure of our manhood and womanhood. Ask any of your friends, be they Jew or Gentile, Catholic or Protestant, Baptist or Episcopalian, Democrat or Republican, whether, in their best judgment, it is better to be honest or dishonest, clean or dirty, false or true, intelligent or ignorant, an idler or a worker; whether it is better to be gentle and kind or brutal and cruel, a gossip and scandal monger or to mind our own business and to speak kindly of our fellow-man, whether, in short, it is better to be good or bad? And yet these are the real, the fundamental qualities that brand a man, or a woman, or a race of people, as worthy and true and Christ-like.
To the eugenist, a thought obtrudes itself at this point. It is the logical, the link between the cause and the effect. Why do we waste so much time arguing and fighting over non-essentials? Why is the world such a big quarreling-pot over nothing? And the eugenist suggests, if it is not possible, that the explanation may be found, in the fact, that the human family, as a race, is below par; that so many of us are incomplete; that it is the product of the combined mental effort of the unworthy element that makes all the trouble? It is scarcely logical to assume, that an individual who has been brought into the world by healthy, worthy parents, and whose ancestry for generations have been clean, honest people; and whose upbringing and education has been adequate to fit him to become a respectable, decent citizen, could, or would be a trouble maker. On the other hand, can we expect, or are we justified in hoping that an individual whose ancestral record is bad, whose environmental conditions are faulty, whose education has been neglected, who is in all probability physically and mentally deficient, will be capable of conforming to the standards of the other individual? From an imperfect whole, may we not naturally expect bad parts? From a diseased body and mind, may we not look for a low standard of thought and action? And may not these conditions account for the greater part of the little, as as the big, troubles that mar the peace and progress of the race? Will not the elimination of the eugenically unworthy rid the world of its heartaches and sorrows? It is not only a suggestive thought, it is an inspiration for the exercise of the supreme intelligence of the statesman, the sociologist, the teacher and the preacher alike.
Differences of Principle.—There are more serious differences than those of taste, however. There are differences of principle.
They do not reveal themselves before the promise "for better or for worse." The sentimental days of courtship did not bring them out. But now that they have settled down to the routine of ordinary living, nature brings them to the surface and the issue must be met. It is discovered that the wife is a devout Christian and a faithful church attendant while the husband insists on his wife spending Sunday in the country, or at the seashore. The woman tries to get her husband to go to church but she fails. He tried to get her to accompany him but he does not succeed. There is a rift in the lute, little sorrowful heart pangs on the part of the woman, and the man feels sore and grouchy and wanders away alone, then finally open quarrels and indifference. Two lives are pulling apart. Someone must give in; but which one? The observance of her religious duties to the wife is a matter of principle. The husband's method of spending Sunday is simply habit. He has no right to interfere with her liberty in this respect. The one to give in is the one whose conscience is not trampled upon. If the husband refuses to go to church with his wife, he can do so amicably, and in such a tactful way that his wife cannot reasonably feel permanently offended, but he must not object to his wife going to church, nor has he the right to insist on being accompanied in his outing by his wife. On the other hand, the wife must not nag or quarrel with him continuously on the subject of religion. Those little incidents will come up in the experience of every married couple. They are not serious or insurmountable in themselves, but they can be made serious by mismanagement.
The true wife is the home-maker, not simply the housekeeper. She is responsible for its attractiveness and its comfort, its morals and its existence. The marriage vow "does not make a wife, but comradeship in the bearing of the burdens of life, does." She must be Love and Justice and Truth to her children, and companion and friend and helpmeet to her husband.
We, therefore, advise the young wife to begin wedded life with definite plans and ideals.
The Attainment of Success.—In the first place, you do want your particular matrimonial venture to be a success. Success in one sense is getting what you want. You must, however, know exactly what you want. Very few people know what they want, but those few are the ones who manage to "get there." If you ask a dozen of your friends what their plan of life is, what they are working for, what they really want, not one of them probably could tell you with any degree of exactness. Most people go along in an indefinite way, working from day to day, more or less dissatisfied, and with absolutely no feeling of certainty as to what the future holds in store for them.
Human effort is an example of energy misdirected and it is the greatest potential energy in the universe. Really to want something means that we must be willing to sacrifice everything necessary to attain our wish, and to concentrate and direct all our efforts in its attainment. To do this, we must be efficient, we must be healthy, we must strive day and night, and we must want intensely to achieve success.
During the first few weeks of married life the young wife, if she is a wise little lady, will take stock. She will begin to think, and she will naturally speculate about the future. She will try to determine the facts in her particular life that are the important ones so far as the attainment of success is concerned. Her material success of course is dependent upon the efficiency of her husband. Now, a married man's efficiency depends almost entirely on his wife. If a man attains great material success, he will acknowledge, if he acknowledges the truth, that his wife is deserving of most of the credit. The husbands of most good, sensible wives are successful. If a man is, unfortunately, married to a woman who is not a helpmeet, who is not a well-balanced wife and mother, and achieves success, he does so by reason of his innate strength of character and in spite of the unjust drain on his efficiency. Most men under these circumstances however lose heart and interest and become failures.
The young wife, therefore, will definitely plan in just what way she can contribute to her husband's efficiency.
What Are the Requisites of Efficiency? Good Health.—He must have regular meals. The food must be carefully selected and suitable to his personal needs according to the character of the work in which he is engaged. The food must be properly and thoroughly cooked. If he does not understand the science of eating, the wife must educate him. Remember his success means your success, his failure, your failure. If you were in charge of a highly complicated machine, you would not allow it to be ruined by careless misuse. You may have married a healthy animal, but animals are tricky and uncertain. He is still your lover and he will do anything reasonable for you, if you "go about it in the right spirit and in the right way." Be sure you "go about it in the right way." Be tactful, be patient, don't nag. Don't tell him of his faults, simply note them then determine what you want to accomplish. In a little while, he will become enthusiastic and will be telling his friends how to eat, and what to eat, and, later, he may try to convince you that he thought of the idea first. This is the typical man. You will learn how to manage him, and your first success will encourage you—he will be a child in your hands—if you only "go about it right." And this applies to everything you do that has any relation to domestic peace and happiness and final success.
The woman who grasps the meaning of the following truism and determines to practice it, is well on her way to happiness and success. "It is the man that has a system in both life and business that wins the battles." The struggle of life has become so strenuous that most everyone's nerves are always near the explosive point,—the man who has a system in life has discovered that there is nothing to be gained by being disrespectful or discourteous, or by butting rough-shod into the affairs or interests of other people; tact, diplomacy, flattery, the temperamental capacity to wiggle around the explosive corners of other peoples' irascible nerves to gain your point, is "having a system," and it wins battles. The young wife who knows how to do this, is so far ahead of the army of ordinary young wives, that she need not take time to look around to see if the others are gaining ground. They will never overtake her.
Rest and Sleep.—The husband must get enough rest each night, so don't drag him away to parties and balls and late suppers. Be a philanthropist—give him the care you would give a thoroughbred horse with which you hoped to win a big stake. Let him think, however, that you are doing it for his sake. To you the prize is a greater stake—it means life's failure or success. Remember you are in this fight to win. The gratification of whims and fancies during the first year of married life leads to the establishment of expensive habits, and may be the one factor that will mean failure in the future, when you will wish, with all your heart that you had begun differently. The time to sacrifice, to work hard, to plan ahead, is when one is young; when hope is strong and health is good—not when ambition falters, when age grows weary, when efficiency is impossible, and when regrets crowd in on us and failure crushes energy and hope and happiness. The struggle of life is a real one to every soul born, but it is worth the fight, and the glory of a fight won is the greatest human satisfaction this side of the grave. Try it, try to win.
Enough Exercise.—Be sure your husband is getting enough exercise. If his work is desk work, think out some plan to compel him to take the exercise every healthy animal requires. Make up your mind definitely what is necessary and exactly what it is you want him to do, and then begin to work in your own successful way with that object in view. It may be systematized gymnastic work he needs. If so, suggest to him the advisability of becoming a member of a club or gymnasium, or get two sets of exercisers and begin work on them yourself if necessary. Devote ten minutes every morning and night to exercise. He will soon follow you, and many happy contests you will have and profitable ones too. Working together is the secret of domestic peace. Even if this reads like slavery or self-immolation, what do you care? You are happy, you are working for something, the time will come when you will have realized your ambition. Domestic happiness and material success are worth all we are asked to pay for them and they are never obtainable on the bargain counter.
It may be outdoor exercise he needs, try golf, swimming, baseball, tennis, anything to gain your point; and, all the time, remember you are leading him by your apron-string because you have discovered the secret of "how to go about it."
Freedom From Worry.—A man cannot work efficiently and worry at the same time. Modern business methods are conducted on such a strenuous basis that, to keep "in the ring," a man needs every ounce of reserve he can command. Don't imagine your husband is totally free from cares and responsibilities just because he is not at business. He may have left his office a few minutes earlier than usual to get away from trouble. Encourage the system. When a man feels in his heart that there is one person in the world to whom he can always turn, and be sure of a loving, sympathetic greeting, one who understands and believes in him, one place he can always go and feel certain of enjoying peace, and comfort and contentment, there is little danger of any friend supplanting the wife, or any club or saloon taking the place of home.
Do Your Part.—The moment you know your husband is in the house, change the expression on your face, smile, even if it pains you, and go to him with a familiar word of greeting and give him a kiss. Do this every day of your life, unless when you are sick in bed, when he will go to you. Establish this habit, and if ever the day comes when he returns from work and there is no greeting, no kiss, stop the whole domestic ship, regard it as a tragedy. Don't let the first entering wedge of discord come into your life. If there is no first quarrel, there will never be a second. If you are at fault you had better right matters at once or take the consequences. Take our advice. Don't experiment with a man. Deep down, every man is a brute. There is a certain elemental devil in every male animal. Don't rouse it. You are only a woman. Don't invite a quarrel. You will get the worst of it. Keep on the peaceful side of the street. It is always a mistake to talk too much. Words are poison when silence is golden. You cannot make a mistake by leaving the husband alone if he is at fault. Time is a wonderful physician; she will heal almost any wound. Your tact, your silence, your seeming fear (in other words, your method "of going about it in the right spirit and in the right way"), and an opportunity to think it over, will make him ashamed of himself. He will want to crawl back into your good graces and the lesson will be a long remembered one to him,—if, and this is tremendously important—the wife does not glory in her triumph and nag him about it. The temptation to err is great and there are few young wives who can resist it. Keep silent, however. Don't refer to it and you will win more than you know. Blessed is she who can forget what is not worth remembering.
You will have averted the first quarrel and, inasmuch as the "first quarrel" is an historic event in every married woman's experience, it may be worthy of a little further consideration.
The First Quarrel.—Some women become weak in a crisis and spoil their own chances of success, despite the fact that circumstances may have been working in their favor. Some women meet a crisis bravely and do exactly the right thing at the right time but falter and fail after the crisis has passed. Take, for example, the incident we have just narrated. When a husband brings into the home a sample of his real self, for the first time, it is not really an unexpected event, though it may be an unpleasant shock to the young wife; and she must not render it an important incident by mismanagement. Nevertheless, it is in itself a momentous occasion, and it may prove to be the moment of destiny. The spirit of the lover has been the dominant spirit so far, the atmosphere of the honeymoon has continued, there has been no friction, no quarrel. To-night the husband has carried a business grouch into the home, his militant impulses are just below the surface, the slightest unfortunate word, the least lack of tact, a failure to "sense" the situation correctly, will explode the mine and wreck a dream. Deep down in the man's heart he does not want a quarrel but the brute in him will fight if the environment invites it. It takes two to quarrel. Silence on the part of the wife, therefore, is the only solution of the problem. If the first quarrel never takes place the second will never have to be dreaded. Silence, no matter what the provocation may be; no matter how acute the sense of injustice may be, silence is the only safe way out. The husband if left alone, will be ashamed of the situation his lack of self-control has created, the lover spirit will conquer the brute. He will regret the pain he has caused; he will want to forget and be forgiven quickly though he may not go through the formality of an apology. A formal apology and reconciliation will, in his judgment, dignify the episode and make a mountain out of a molehill. The wife will be wise to so regard it though it is an injustice to her. The husband will not underestimate the importance of the event, however, and in many ways will be a better husband in future, but he does not want to talk about it or be talked to regarding it. This is part of the psychology of the male, and the successful wife discovers it early and acts accordingly.
Having safely piloted your craft through the troubled waters, don't prove weak and silly when you reach a safe harbor. When the moment of passive reconciliation arrives, when it is necessary to resume the domestic routine, don't show the spirit of resentment. Be pleasant, don't cry, don't become hysterical. Be strong, ignore the whole affair, leave it in the hands of time and forget it. The victory is yours, don't lose it.
Fault Finding.—At a later date, when, in all probability, the wife will be the one whose conduct will incite trouble because of the worries incident to her more or less monotonous, domestic existence, much care will have to be exercised so that an unwitting fretfulness may not cause quarrels. When a man comes home at night tired and hungry, longing for peace, and comfort, and pleasant conversation, it is worse than anarchy to not only get no greeting, but to note the discontent on his wife's face, and to listen to a tirade of fault finding. Your husband has troubles of his own. The maid's impudence, the crossness of the baby, the noise of the neighbor's children, the toughness of the meat from the butcher, do not interest him. He is hungry, he wants to eat, and above all, he wants rest and peace. We are considering this subject from the economic standpoint. The young wife must recognize that if she is a fault finder, if she worries her husband, she interferes with his efficiency and jeopardizes the attainment of success,—her own success. From a purely selfish standpoint, it is a bad investment.
It may interest many young wives to know, that a number of large corporations have recently begun to systematically investigate the domestic environment of their employees. If it is found that they are not happy, or that they do not enjoy a restful and congenial home life, they discharge them. They claim that a man who is worried cannot be efficient, and if he is not efficient he is not a dependable individual to have in their employ. Some railroads will not allow an engineer to drive a passenger train after it is discovered that he is unhappily married. The young wife should, therefore, appreciate that she may be directly responsible for her husband's efficiency and success. If a woman is guilty of conduct that interferes with the earning capacity of her husband she is erecting an obstacle to happiness and success that is fundamental, permanent and insurmountable. In justice to herself and to her husband and to the future she should promptly decide if the conditions are such that a change is impossible, and if so she should, in order to avert a tragedy, seek a separation.
Work Must Be Interesting.—No man can exert the highest degree of efficiency if he is not interested in his work. This has become a business truism. How can the wife aid in this matter? By coöperation, by tactful advice, by suggesting new methods, by originating new ideas that may open the way to new possibilities.
Even menial work is interesting if we regard it as a stepping-stone to something better. It must be done thoroughly, however, to justify this hope. Life is a struggle, a struggle in which many are vanquished and few survive. Only those few survive who fit most perfectly to their environment. If a man is getting proper nourishment and sufficient exercise, and is free from worry, if in other words he has vitality, he cannot possibly fail to give full value for what he receives. His work will at least be satisfactory. If his lack of interest in his work is because it does not fully satisfy his ambition, this is a splendid opportunity for the tactful and resourceful wife.
It was suggested to an enterprising little wife, whose husband was earning a small salary as a bookkeeper, to advise him to study stenography and correspondence at the Y. M. C. A. He did so, and is now the private secretary of the president of a large corporation, at a salary of six thousand dollars per year. His wife encouraged and cajoled him during the long winter nights when he studied late. She sacrificed herself by giving up all social entertainments and other pleasures. She catered to his tastes and comfort, and she talked so entertainingly during spare moments of what the future would be when he was a great success, that he was simply compelled to make good. She got her reward, and the very struggle and effort strengthened their characters, broadened their sympathies, and taught them the true meaning of love and affection.
Other young wives may achieve similar success if they "go about it right." That is the secret. That was the secret of this young wife's success. She first knew what she wanted, she then prepared the way by tactfully showing her husband how he could increase his efficiency. She kept the subject diplomatically before him by directly praising him, assuring him that he had the ability, that he would find it easy, that he was meant for "higher things." Then she drew word pictures of where they would live, the kind of house she would like and the new furniture she would buy, and where they would spend their vacations when he was earning the salary which she knew he was worth. They began to live in this future, it became part of their life, his pride was awakened, he would be ashamed to fail, he was whipped to the post and spurred to the finish and he won the race, because he had married the right kind of a woman. "The right kind of a woman,"—the woman who knows that "the marriage vow" does not make a wife, but that comradeship in the bearing of the burdens of life does.
The Wife's Part.—Having read the preceding pages some young wives may ask if that is really what being married means? If it is all work and sacrifice and no pleasure? That is exactly what it means and if there is no pleasure in work and sacrifice, then there is no pleasure in married life. The young wife who fails to see the significance of this interpretation of what has been written has a fundamentally wrong idea of what married life means.
A woman who begins her wedded life with less loyal ideals than are depicted in the performance of the duties we have enumerated is imposing on her husband and is false to herself. She will not attain happiness and success. To marry in order to have a good time should be a state's prison offence.
Happiness and contentment and success are products of duty well done. They are the logical recompense for effort and sacrifice. Individual happiness is not the chief object of existence in this life. To work efficiently is the supreme obligation. It is naturally to desire happiness and to labor for it; but it is absurd to be annoyed and angry because we do not find it. Happiness through marriage is never attained except by never-ending self-abnegation and effort.
We must struggle or we will degenerate. A correct interpretation of racial progress proves this truth. Effort is the supreme law. All good things have been given to man at the price of labor.
ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES
CHAPTER XXV
"Being forced to work, and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance, self-control, diligence, strength of will, content, and a hundred virtues which the idle will never know."
Charles Kingsley.
HOW TO ACHIEVE
What the Young Wife Owes to Herself—Why Was I Born—What Are the Personal Qualities Necessary to Success—What Are the Personal Qualities Necessary to Happiness—Self-control—What is a Thought—The Evil Habit of Hasty Judgment—The Bad Thought Habit—Training the Mind—Go About it in the Right Way—Be Sure Your Husband's Friends Are Your Friends—Be a Good Fellow—Two Kinds of People in the World—Everything Depends Upon What We Do With Our Mind—The Most Popular Woman—The Gift of Flattery—Choosing Your Friends—True Friendship Expects and Demands Nothing—True Friendship is Necessary—"By Your Friends Shall Ye Be Known"—Making Resolves—The Formula of Success—When Fortune Knocks.
What the Young Wife Owes to Herself.—If the young wife is making a conscientious effort to do her duty, there are certain things she owes to herself, to her husband, to her unborn children. She too must preserve her health, her efficiency. In guarding the health and contributing to the efficiency of her husband, she will have done much in this direction. She will, however, have many spare moments at her disposal. We have already remarked that these are the moments of destiny. In the coming years she will look back upon these moments with real pride, or regret, according to how she spent, or misspent them. Let us begin all over again, with renewed interest and enthusiasm, and try to understand just what is meant by this.
Every human being asks himself, or herself, at some time in life, the questions, "Why was I born? For what purpose was I created and put upon this earth? Is there any real object or purpose in living, except to pass the time from day to day, and year to year?" To most, the reply is perplexing,—and not at all satisfactory. All great minds who have deeply studied this problem, unanimously agree that there is a purpose in life. We are not a thing apart,—an isolated entity. We are part of the living whole; every thought, every deed, every spoken word, every sentiment, every passion, every prayer, is inter-related with every other thought, deed, word, sentiment, passion and prayer of every other living thing in all eternity. We have an ideal to maintain, and if we are untrue or fail, we interrupt, we desecrate the everlasting scheme of the universe. We will therefore be held responsible for our manner of living,—for the sum total of our existence. We have a purpose to fulfill, a responsibility to sustain. If we are false to that purpose, and fail in our responsibilities, we rob the world of the help we should bestow, and, in a far larger measure, we deprive ourselves of benefits and pleasures, every moment of our lives, greater than we can conceive.
The world is many centuries old, and many millions of human beings have lived and died during that time. A certain percentage of these men and women lived lives which bettered the world. They left a thought which will live through all the ages. They proved the truth of some basic unchanging principle. They drew the attention of mankind to the reality of a certain immutable fact. These truths, these principles, these facts, have all been tested, and they have been found to be everlasting. In other words, we find there are certain truths, certain principles, certain facts, that every living thing must obey, must subscribe to, must live up to or perish. Every thought, every deed, every movement, of every living thing, is regulated by unalterable laws which govern our lives and to which we must conform or pay the penalty in failure. Human nature is God's riddle!
What are the Personal Qualities That Experience has Shown to be Necessary in the Attainment of Happiness and Success?—Experience has taught us that certain personal qualifications are essential to the attainment of success and happiness. We must, for example, be master of ourselves. We must have acquired the art of self-control. Self-control is an evidence of a high intelligence. There are many gradations of mental progress before complete self-control is reached. Complete self-mastery in matrimonial conflicts is a long and difficult acquisition. Probably it is fully acquired in the fewest possible cases. The one who acquires self-control, who gives in during the adaptative period of which we have written, is not the weaker. The young wife should always keep in mind that the underlying principle to be vigorously adhered to in the home, is justice. There will arise many occasions that will severely test your disposition and your patience, but, if you have yourself well in hand, if you understand yourself, you will emerge from the conflict successfully and as a consequence a little stronger. When we acquire the determination to efface self in these domestic squabbles we begin the building of a character.
What is a Thought?—The greatest product of creative inspiration is the human brain. The very fact that each human being possesses one of these marvelous products implies responsibility, the responsibility of what we will do with it. A thought is a creation of brain or mind activity. It may be a bad or evil thought or it may be a good thought. Let us now go back to the young wife just as she is about to begin the hour or so of recreation in the afternoon. Her work being done for the time, let us suppose she elects to do a little fancy needle work. She finds a comfortable seat and is soon apparently engrossed in her work. Is she? Doubtless she is, and a very commendable, harmless, inviting picture she presents, but a thousand thoughts are passing through her mind. It is not the sewing that she does, that will be weighed in the balance, it is not the patient stitch, stitch, stitch, that she takes, that will mark the hour well spent. It is the one thought that will predominate over all the others, that will tell the ultimate tale, because of its effect on her own mind. A thought once created, even if it is never expressed, is as much a created entity as a deed executed.
Suppose this young wife attended a social gathering in some friend's house the evening before, and for some trifling reason she formed an unfavorable impression of another lady guest; during the hour of her sewing, which we are discussing, she goes over in her mind all the incidents of the gathering, and because of the previous impression, she still thinks unkindly of the lady in question. She passes judgment upon her in her own mind. What has she really done? She has created a thought an opinion, which now becomes a part of her mind, because it is recorded in her brain cells forever, and, inasmuch as she was not justified in passing judgment upon a person's character in this hasty way, she harmed herself by establishing a bad habit,—a habit of hasty judgment,—which will have an effect on her method of judgment as long as she lives. The evil effect may not end here,—it seldom does. A chance remark,—still the product of the hasty opinion,—made to some other woman regarding this lady, will give this other woman an unfavorable impression of the person, and if you could trace all the little gradations of the first unjust opinion, through all the stages of a gossiping community, you would be astonished at the growth, and the evil accomplished by the thought, born amidst the apparently innocent and commendable surroundings of an hour's sewing. If you educate your mind to create bad thoughts you will become a victim of the habit. Each bad thought makes the creation of another bad thought more easy, because a bad habit is, as we all know, a difficult thing to live down. Therefore a bad thought unexpressed does harm only to the individual who creates the thought. If the bad thought is expressed to another party, it is impossible to tell or estimate the harm it may do. Life is what we make it. If we get into the habit of thinking unjust, unkind, selfish, bad thoughts, we live in that atmosphere. Your whole life will be a reflection of your mental attitude. If you feed your mind on such food how can you hope to grow into a contented, happy woman? Let us not dwell upon the dark side. There is another picture, one more inviting, more difficult to realize, it is true, but more perfect as a consequence.
Training the Mind.—There never was a time in the history of the world when so many people were striving after definite knowledge,—some scheme of mentality, some mental atmosphere,—some spiritual or idealistic phenomena,—which would satisfy the craving, the hunger of the restless and dissatisfied human mind for absolute enlightenment regarding the mysteries of life. It is a curious fact that to attain such knowledge, all these various bodies, no matter how they may differ as to the method of procedure, concede that the education of the human mind and the recognition of its exact capabilities is the ultimate province through which final enlightenment must come.
We must, therefore, recognize that on whatever we do with our mind, in our own little way, will depend the measure of success and happiness to which we may aspire. Success is not attained without effort, but every little effort we expend will help wonderfully in the task. Train your mind to think just, kind, good thoughts. Do not dwell upon the bad side of any problem, search for the good side, because every problem has a good side. So also has every human soul. When the unkind, the unjust, the bad thought is conveyed to you by another, do not admit it, do not dwell upon it, render it negative at once by assuring yourself that there is another side to the question. We all know how easy it is to kick the under dog. We all have in mind some friend, some acquaintance, some old lady, perhaps, who is famous in her community for her kindly ways, and for her kindly thoughts. The two go together. It is well known among her friends that she will not tolerate any unkind, unjust, evil report, of even the humblest or lowest member of society to be expressed in her presence, without instantly defending the maligned victim, by picturing the possible other side. Her life has been an example, an inspiration in the community, because she has always exerted a kindly, sympathetic, helpful influence. It is this atmosphere, this environment, that checks gossip, stifles scandal, saves heartaches, and prevents domestic tragedies.
The most interesting study you will ever engage in, if you are true to yourself, will be the working of your own mind.
The resourcefulness of your brain will be a constant pleasure to you. You will be aided by books and you will find a lesson in every thing you see and hear. Life will appear different, and you will rise above the plane in which the little routine annoyances of daily life seem burdens and sorrows. A woman, if she goes about it "in the right way," can do with her lover-husband what she pleases. If she uses that power for selfish motives, or for a wrong purpose, in the end she will be the loser. If she is far seeing, and uses her power to build up a home, and is just, and respects her husband, and honestly gives him his true place in her scheme, and loves and honors him, and is tactful, there is no limit to what she may accomplish, so far as the personal happiness of herself and husband and children are concerned. We all know that law is not always justice. We likewise know that there is no such anomaly as a perfect human being. The ability to gain a point, without apparent coercion, or a sacrifice of truth or honor, depends upon the successful qualities that go toward the building up of a complete and harmonious personality. It is an axiom in psychology that to attain the highest success, one must first understand, and, understanding, conquer the bad, and develop the good features in one's own temperament, before attempting to rule the conduct of any other person. You must understand yourself before you attempt to understand your husband. Many of his best qualities,—qualities that if rightly understood, will go a long way toward making your life a happy one,—can be misunderstood, misinterpreted, and become incessant factors for doubt, jealousy and quarreling.
Because your husband prefers to do a thing in a way that does not quite satisfy your taste, does not necessarily mean that he is wrong, and such a condition does not justify an argument. Consider the matter seriously, in silence argue it out with yourself and give his side the same justice you hope to get. If you can develop convincing proofs, that his way is not the best way, even though it isn't really wrong ethically, he will probably concede the point, provided,—and don't overlook this,—you "go about it in the right way, and in the right spirit." It isn't likely you will be given a patient hearing, if in the past you have been in the habit of nagging and browbeating him. Don't look upon tactful ways of gaining your point as evidence of weakness. It is distinctly an evidence of strength of character, and, each time you win a point in a friendly debate with your husband, you will have gained much. He will respect you all the more because of your justice; and will secretly admire you because of your ability to protect yourself. You will gain confidence in your judgment, and you will see things in a broader, and from a less selfish standpoint.
Your Husband's Friends Should be Your Friends.—Be sure your husband's friends are your friends. Business or professional exigencies do not always permit a man to choose or select his acquaintances. You can be sure, however, he will not ask or expect you to associate with any doubtful person, though it may be necessary to extend a welcome to an undesirable business, or professional associate, for the time being. When these occasions occur, do not mar the opportunity to help by any exhibition of temper, or dissatisfaction. He may be trying to make the best of an unfortunate incident. Help him. Do not discourage him for at heart his object is to gain some business advantage that will redound to your advantage as well as his own.
Nothing pleases a man more than to know that his wife is "a good fellow," that no matter what seems to be questionable on the surface, he can rely upon her to know that everything is right underneath,—that his motive is good.
Do not invite him to tell a lie in order to avoid a scolding. Nothing is more unfortunate, nothing is more easy for an ordinarily good, but misunderstood man, than the tendency to fib about little things, if he feels in his heart that his wife will scold,—that she will fail to see the point. It wounds his self-respect to have to do so, yet he selects the minor evil as he sees it, he sacrifices his manhood in the interests of domestic peace.
Two Kinds of People in the World.—Roughly, there are two kinds of individuals in the world, the individual who will, and the individual who will not. There are individuals who will not see the truth, who fail to see the point in an argument, who are obtuse and obstinate. This trait is largely wilful perversity and ignorance. We cannot help noting them in the passing, but we scarcely hope to interest them, though we cannot restrain our sympathy.
Young wives who come within this category will remain the laggards, the degenerates. Their evolution is revolution, they become the fault-finders, the discontents, the gossips. They do not love themselves nor are they loved by any human being. They are the domestic failures. As wives they dishonor the sex, as mothers they dishonor God.
In reality, there is but one thing in the universe—mind. By "mind," we mean the ability to reason. Every human being comes into the world with this ability. Our health, happiness, efficiency, success, depends absolutely upon how we utilize this birthright. There is no limitation to this ability. Heredity and environment have little to do with it. It is a personal equation. "It depends upon how you do it," has been frequently reiterated in the preceding pages. This implies, to what use you put your mind, and this is the secret of the young wife's efficiency and success. True happiness is a mind product. It is a creation of mind activity. The evanescent pleasures are not character builders, but a created thought is a pregnant possibility. The young wife who begins her wedded life with ideals with the determination to succeed, with certain well thought out plans, will progress. Her world is her husband and her home. Her husband must succeed, her home must be comfortable and happy. She must contribute her full share in achieving these results. If she permits her personal amusement to be the dominant purpose she will fail. She cannot transgress the law and remain immune. How can she begin right? Give her best to her home. A woman who gives her most gracious smiles and her most captivating manners to society, is false to her husband and her home. The prettiest gown and the brightest jewels should grace her own dinner table. To bring them out only to attend a reception, or a tea party, is a desecration. Many women expend their moral and spiritual strength upon the "club," and bring the withering remnants as a sacrifice to the blighted home fireside. We have no right to help build a church, or foster a philanthropy by depleting our strength and resources in the effort, only to give the frazzled ends of our talents to home and home-making. Nor has a woman any right to exhaust her strength in the toil of mere housekeeping, and reserve for the evening hour of conversation a bundle of quivering nerves and an exasperated temper. These women are not home-makers. Their ideal of wifehood and motherhood is fundamentally wrong. Every power of the body, and of the mind and spirit, should be devoted to the achievement of a home atmosphere. It is the creation of this quality that spells contentment, peace, happiness, and no other.
A young wife with an ideal, with a definite plan, and with a true appreciation of her dignity and importance, will never find time to daily gossip over the back fence with her neighbor, nor will she join the sewing circle whose function is well known to be scandal bartering. "Give your best to your home,"—one of the great advantages of having a specific plan is that it wholly engages our mind. If we have an object in view, if we want something, it implies interest, and if we are interested deeply in something we think about it. Every spare moment will be used by the mind in devising ways and means to achieve our purpose. We will not find time to seek the questionable amusement of gossip. The women who are eternally poking their noses into other people's business, who burden their minds with other people's affairs, who are busybodies, always neglect their homes and their children. They have no ideals, they are the derelicts of the community. Remember that "Satan finds some mischief still for idle minds to do."
The Most Popular Woman.—The most popular woman is the one whom a majority of all women would vote for in a popularity contest. Many women are so notoriously vixenish and jealous of members of their own sex, that, it would seem to be worth while to analyze the qualifications of the most popular woman, in an effort to discover the one quality which appeals to her own sex. After exhausting the list, we find the most popular woman possesses, in a high degree, the quality of tactful, or diplomatic flattery. The art of flattery is an acquired habit. Statesmen and politicians know its value. Even the little seekers after public office cultivate it assiduously. It is undoubtedly an asset of much value in every sphere of life, but it must not be overdone. Every member of the human-family will tolerate a large amount of it without showing resentment. This is the reason why it is a valuable asset and of such general usefulness. Sometimes a woman will boast that she detests flattery, yet she is highly pleased when you tell her that the one quality you admire in her is that she cannot be flattered. If, therefore, the young wife desires to become popular, for her own sake, or if she regards this as one way to contribute to her husband's efficiency, should his success depend upon public approval,—she may cultivate the art of diplomatic flattery. The cultivation of any art is not a one-sided accomplishment. It is beneficial in many ways, and aids distinctly in character building. No one, for example, can acquire the art of tactful flattery and retain a sour or mean disposition. To flatter efficiently you must seem delighted, and the delight must express itself in smiles and kindly words. These habits will impress themselves upon your inner consciousness, and before you know it, the habit will be a constituent part of your temperamental armamentarium.
The most popular woman will acquire the habit of making some flattering observation every time anyone's name is mentioned, and she will never be guilty of criticising a living person or a dead one. She will make it her rule in life, in order to sustain her reputation, never to make an enemy. She will cultivate the insinuating art of shaking hands, of smiling sweetly, and of making apropos remarks. No one will ever leave her without feeling that she is an exceedingly gracious person. She will even convey to them, in her inimitable way, the impression that she thinks they are "just right." She will use "blarney" as a science in an artful way. The flattering remarks she will make regarding others will be passed along by those to whom she makes them, and she will be responsible for an epidemic of egoism all over town. It is a wonderful art.
If the young wife keeps this up for some time she will begin to notice certain things. She will be accorded much flattering attention herself and she will be treated with marked consideration wherever she goes. She will be received cordially, and every aspiring other woman will make strenuous efforts to include her among her friends. She will be invited to participate in public functions when members of her sex take part, and she will be favored and her interests furthered in all social organizations.
She will, without doubt, wear her laurels becomingly, and her success will be easily acquired. Her spirits, and her health will promptly respond to the elixir of her interesting labors. Life will be full of new and surprising interests and it will be well worth the effort expended. Sleep will be more refreshing, she will not be troubled with nerves, and her appetite will be a source of profound thankfulness to her. She will radiate a quality of good-fellowship that will be infectious, and her whole philosophy of existence will be charity itself. Surely it is worth while.
Choosing Your Friends.—The young wife should choose her friends with caution. Remember you are beginning a new life in which even trivial matters may exercise an influence that will be bad. One should appreciate the difference between true friendship and indulging in friendly relationship with promiscuous acquaintances. A physician has a better opportunity of observing the conduct of the feminine element of a community than any other person. We have come to divide young wives into two types: those who attend strictly to their own affairs, and those who mostly attend to their neighbors' affairs. It is not too much to say that a young wife's time will be wholly occupied if she has begun her housekeeping career with the intention of becoming a home-maker. She cannot, therefore, afford to waste her time with promiscuous acquaintances. Women who become promiscuous in their friendships have time to waste for a number of reasons,—
1st. Their husband and home is not their whole existence. If success and happiness depend upon how the first year of wedded life is employed, then husband and home should be the young wife's whole existence.
2nd. Women with time to waste have no ideals. Women without ideals are not home-makers. A home-maker cannot acquire any information from a woman who wastes her time in idleness.
3rd. Idleness creates mischief. One who is idle is a mischief maker. An idle brain is looking for amusement, and as the impulses of an idle brain are evil, these women are gossips, and scandal-mongers, and home-breakers.
4th. True friendship demands nothing. Promiscuous friendship on the other hand does demand something, and as these women live in the evil atmosphere, they live mentally on scandal and gossip. This is their mental plane and they give and take nothing higher than that which they understand.
The young wife will, therefore, be wary of this form of friendship. Infinite harm is being done in every community in the country in this way. No home, no person is too sacred for the vituperative tongues of these scandal-mongers. They are densely ignorant though they may be fluent talkers. They ingratiate themselves into the confidence of a willing victim, learn the victim's secrets, and rend her to pieces on the next street corner. Many a man has begun wedded life with the laudable intention of helping to mold his young wife's mentality, of preserving her innocence and purity of thought, only to be undone by the evil machinations of these human derelicts. He will be amazed and astonished at the opinions she gives utterance to, and if he does not find out where she is getting them, and check the desecration going on, she will be beyond his reach in the very near future. No self-respecting woman will tolerate such acquaintances. There are, however, many innocent, pure women, who are innately too gentle to assert themselves by insulting another woman at this stage of their experience, who have the makings of a good wife and mother, who wittingly become victims by reason of their very gentleness, and consequently lose their ideals, and drift into failures.
True friendship is necessary. Many men and women rightly attribute their whole success and happiness to having had the right kind of a friend or friends. Charles Kingsley when asked by Mrs. Browning to tell her the secret of his life, said, "I had a friend," A friendship that is not an inspiration, an incentive to higher thoughts and nobler deeds, is not true. "True friendship demands nothing." It gives. We should cultivate the friendship of those who know more than we do, so that we may learn and profit by the relationship. Some people radiate sympathy and helpfulness and inspiration. Instinctively we can tell those people when we come into their presence. We leave them, not once, but always, with the feeling that there is something about them that energizes and inspires. They draw out our better selves. We are conscious of our shortcomings and faults, and in their company we strive to give utterance to worthy thoughts. We feel capable of great deeds. If we could surround ourselves with these friends, we feel that life would mean more, and that we could accomplish much. "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise." This is where true friendship is valuable. These moments of inspiration help us to pull ourselves together. We climb a little higher; we see further and clearer; we learn the meaning of life's duty; they change the whole complexion of living. The little things, the annoyances, the disappointments, the failures, the pains, the sorrows, the passions, we see in their true perspective and they no longer usurp importance, because we are beginning to learn the significance of the things beyond. The incidents of life are no longer life itself.
One friend, one true friend to the young wife, will indeed be a tower of strength to her. Every young wife needs a friend. The desire for sympathy dwells in every human heart. Even the assiduous person needs encouragement and a little praise. It is wonderful how a mite of laudation will prod us to be more worthy. Even our joys never intoxicate save in the telling. By sharing our happiness and joys with another we double them. True friendship means confidence, affection, harmony, love. To be in harmony with one person means that we invite the harmony of all mankind.
If man is made in the image of God every human being must be more or less divine. Confidence, affection, harmony, love,—the attributes of true friendship,—are the divine sparks in our humanity. True friendship, therefore, is growth in the divine sense. There are real things in life which we seldom acknowledge but which are, nevertheless, real. We do not often admit the existence of the divine in ourselves, but it is there. If we did acknowledge it oftener we would live nearer the truth, nearer God.
When we read in the public press the story of the Titanic disaster, how after all the boats had gone, and the ill-fated ship poised, before she took her awful plunge, how the doomed souls stood on her decks and lifted their trembling voices in unison with the brave orchestra to the strain of "Nearer My God to Thee,"—something clutches at our heartstrings, and we find the divine reality trying to come to the surface to express itself in that universal friendship out of which heroes are made. When we stand by the bedside, watching the fitful, final breaths of a well-loved child, or of an old, honored and faithful mother, there creeps into our consciousness feelings with which we are strangers, but they are ours, part of the divinity in us which in the work-a-day-world we stifle and crush. Friendship and no other human quality brings this divine element into our actual life. Those who have never had a friend have never solved the riddle of human nature.
We must remember, however, that there are those whose lives are denials of this divinity. They are incapable of true friendship, and they, in prosperous days, deride the sentiment involved and consider any reference to such matters as silly and mawkish. These blustering heroes, however, are the ones who shriek the loudest when fate places them on sinking decks.
Strive to be worthy of a true friendship. Be willing to give of the best that is in you. We need the inspiration of the divine that is hidden in us, we should not crush or fail to acknowledge the presence of the still, small voice that speaks of love and for love. Remember, that, "By your friends shall ye be known."
EXPLANATION OF SYMBOLS
Used in the Following Three Illustrations
| A | Alcoholic—meaning decidedly intemperate, a drunkard. | ||||
| B | Blind | I | Insane | Sy | Syphilitic |
| C | Criminalistic | M | Migrainous | Sx | Sexually immoral |
| D | Deaf | Neu. | Neurotic | T | Tuberculosis |
| E | Epileptic | Par. | Paralytic | W | Wanderer, tramp |
| G | Goitre | ||||
HEREDITARY FEEBLE-MINDEDNESS[A]
The above chart illustrates the first great law of hereditary feeble-mindedness; that if both parents are blighted all offsprings will be blighted. The family represented is plainly very low grade. It is one of that kind found in every community, growing like rank weeds to menace society. It is small wonder that with production like this permitted criminality springs full-fledged into the world.
This chart is particularly interesting, showing as it does the marriage of a normal man with, first a normal woman, and subsequently with feeble-minded women. The taint of the feeble mind is inevitable. Whereas the grandchildren by his second marriage appear normal there is always the danger of their progeny being blighted by the taint that is in their blood. The horror of the third marriage is too evident.
[A] "Feeble-mindedness; Its Causes and Consequences," Goddard, The Macmillan Company.
Making Resolves.—In a preceding chapter I remarked, that every human thought, deed, act, prayer, etc., must conform to certain laws, if by their use we desired to achieve results. We know this is true, but we do not always obey the rule, and in the end we wonder why we are failures.
Psychology has formulated laws, based upon actual experiment, regulating every department of mental endeavor, or every branch of systematized mental achievement. These laws show that there are fixed rules, by which mental effort is regulated, systematized and classified, and that the human mind conforms to these laws even when working in ignorance of them. No matter how we may deduce facts, or reason from analogy, we obey fundamental principles.
In a recent magazine article I read the following:
"This is my own story of why and how I rose, fell and rose again. It would not be told but for the fact that I have learned by an Experience mixed with some bitterness, that all such things are governed by fixed business laws and rules and move always in obedience to them. There is as I know, a law of failure and a law of success. There is even a law of mediocrity. Every man is controlled by that one of these three laws which he elects to invoke and to follow."
"The laws themselves are fixed and unchanging; man is the only variable unit in the equation. He succeeds, he fails or he slumps into mediocrity according to the law with which he voluntarily or by predisposition puts himself in harmony. This is my belief, based on my own adventures with these laws and my observation of other men who have dined and lived with them on intimate, though not always friendly, terms."
This was written by a successful business man in an article reviewing the "ups and downs" of his business experiences. It does one good to read such confessions. To the thinking individual it suggests the need of serious, whole-souled, conscientious effort. If these laws exist,—as they most certainly do,—what is the use of trying to achieve results in a wrong way? Why not conform to these laws and concentrate our effort in the right direction? A prodigious amount of energy is wasted in efforts to beat the game. One may scheme and contrive until all ambition withers and hope fades, but no one will ever find a satisfactory substitute for hard work. Many lives have been frittered away in the foolish attempt to find the "easy road." It is doing the little things of life conscientiously that counts. The humble hen does one thing well. She lays eggs to the extent of three hundred million dollars per year, in this country alone. If we combine her egg yield with her chicken industry we find her harvest yields the enormous sum of six hundred and twenty million dollars per year.
We are precisely what we deserve to be: we fit for what we are fitted for. Weaklings are sent to the rear, fighters are always in front.
The young wife may resolve to win; it depends upon how she begins to mold herself for larger possibilities. If she cannot succeed in small things she will not fit when the task is bigger. Suppose you resolve to be considerate and agreeable to every soul you meet for one month. For one month you will subject yourself to a rigid test, you will be considerate and agreeable, no matter what the conditions are or the provocation may be to break your word.
It is a fact that most failures are directly attributable to laziness rather than to lack of ability or poor health, or any other cause. It is the most difficult thing in the world for some people to exert themselves to "make the effort" to succeed. They just do enough to "hold their job" or to earn a living, though the possibilities around them are rich in promise. Many know what they ought to do, but they don't seem to be able to do it. Their ambition is lacking; they elect to travel the road to failure.
If the young wife resolves to be considerate and agreeable for one month, she is the right kind of young wife. The right impulse is working within her. The very fact that she makes the resolve proves this. Most people are influenced by two motives, necessity and pleasure. They work because they have to work to exist. But a great deal of the work is indifferently done. The woman who skims over her household duties in a disinterested and frequently slovenly way, will spend much thought and a great amount of time to excel in appearance and in attaining results at a church fair, for example; or she will work assiduously sewing every afternoon and evening on dresses, etc., to shine during a two weeks' vacation at the sea shore, while her husband is being indifferently fed and her home all but neglected. To attain pleasure one will actually work efficiently though the method and the motive may be ethically wrong. So, when a young wife actually resolves to do something which has a high moral significance and which she is not compelled to do she is being actuated by the right kind of principle, she is following the law or instinct of success.
The Formula of Success.—Successful men and women are frequently asked to give their formula of success. There is no formula of success except hard work. Every successful man or woman is a hard worker. There is no exception to this rule. We often personally know of men or women who "rise in the world" and sometimes we look upon them as lucky dogs, and wonder why fortune does not favor us. If we analyze the daily life of these seemingly lucky individuals we will find that they plan and work and scheme while you and I play and amuse ourselves. They have a certain system which they adhere to under all circumstances. They have worked hard so long that it has become a habit,—a habit that brings happiness and success. All of them have had their ups and downs, their worries and battles, but they have faced them in the front ranks, they have never become discouraged, they have been inspired and impelled by the conviction that some day the tide of battle would change. On that day they were determined to be ready and willing to take advantage of the turn of the wheel of fortune.
Study the work of the next successful man or woman you meet, and see if the rule does not hold true. It isn't the kind of energy that is generated that makes the distinction between success and failure: it is the way in which the energy is used. To win means concentration of energy; let the energy be dissipated over many things and failure becomes a certainty. There isn't a really successful man or woman in existence who does not deserve success, and who has not worked hard for it.
Success, fame, and the efforts of friends may not give us the happiness which we yearn for, but there is one thing that will always steer us safely into port—one thing that will bring us the blessing of happiness though all things else fail us—and that is hard work.
When Fortune Knocks.—Fortune is said to knock at the door of every man once in a lifetime. That once is all the time, for the truth is that fortune is knocking at our doors every day. The trouble is that we are not prepared to take advantage of her importuning habits. Fortune has her laws, and we cannot enter her chariot except by obeying these laws. The young wife who resolves to be considerate and agreeable for one month is obeying one of her laws, because, if she keeps her promise, she will have learnt more than she ever did in any preceding month of her experience. She will find, for example, that people are really more amiable and agreeable than she ever thought they were; that, because of the restraint she is exerting on her temper and self-control, she is growing stronger temperamentally. She has more patience, and she is more thorough in little things; her environment is enlarging and life is more interesting. The month's experience will teach her something of her own capabilities and resources, and she will be so interested and encouraged that she will determine to experiment more and in other directions. She is experiencing the psychology of character building—the most fascinating study of that most fascinating riddle, human nature. Fortune always favors the brave—it will favor her because she is working in the right direction—she is obeying the law of success.
To resolve is to obey—to know what you want, to desire to succeed, to be willing to sacrifice self, to attain results, to smile at adversity, to be patient, truthful, honest, unselfish, sympathetic, in short to work hard every minute and all the time.
CHAPTER XXVI
"Habit is a cable: we weave a thread of it each day, and it becomes so strong we cannot break it."
Horace Mann.
SPARE MOMENTS
The Study Habit—The Germ of Self-culture—Millions of Tiny Cells in Our Brain—The Economic Value of the Study Habit—Two Ways of Gaining Knowledge—Happiness in the Company of Those Striving for Higher Ideals—A Young Wife's Incentive to Self-culture—The Difference Between Moral and Mental Disloyalty—The Study Habit Creates Its Own Interest—Nosophobia, or the Dread of Disease—Keep Still and Be Well.
The Study Habit.—Every individual differs from every other individual according to his habits. The nature of our habits fixes our status in the struggle of life. If we get into the habit of thinking evil thoughts, we live in that atmosphere. Health is a habit, so also is success. Honesty, virtue, vice, procrastination, contentment, fault-finding, grumbling, candy eating, gossiping, drinking, sleeping, religion, friends, life itself, are habits. Life is what we make it. "As the man thinketh in his heart, so he is." Some habits are good, others are bad. Certain habits are constructive, others are destructive. If we get into the habit of doing our work thoroughly and regularly, according to some definite system, we encourage the habits of contentment, calmness, efficiency, and happiness. If we do our work spasmodically, irregularly, without system, if we gossip between times, we are eternally trying to catch up, so we encourage the habits of procrastination, discontent, inefficiency, fault-finding, and failure. We must be master or victim of our habits. We must succeed, or we must fail. The immutable law of life permits of no standing still. We are either progressing or we are retrogressing. One of the best habits, if not the very best, that the young wife can cultivate in her new home is the study habit. It is eminently a constructive habit.
The germ of self-culture is latent in every healthy mind. It is an exceedingly virile microbe. It may begin as a fad but intrinsically it grows as a virtue. Environment may give it birth but its roots may not be circumscribed. They seek nourishment from every far and near spring and well, and its branches spread out to the north and south, and east and west, and its leaves suck into its heart, health and strength and color and fragrance, from the everlasting sun.
In our brain are millions of tiny cells. Each cell is capable of a single thought. When we begin as children, we learn letters first, then words, then sentences or thoughts. In due time we have a sufficient number of cells, each with its photographed letter or word or thought. From this stock we reason and think and plan. These are the letters and words and thoughts of ordinary life. We have millions of cells left, and the brain is a tireless, ceaseless worker. If we keep on feeding it more letters, more words, more thoughts, it is satisfied, but if we stop, if we stagnate, it keeps on working, but it can only use the words and thoughts we have given it. Ceaselessly it rearranges these words in its effort to live. We are feeding it nothing, its circulation becomes poor, its vitality weak. Some day it arranges its limited number of words into a new thought, a bad thought, our idle mind grasps the significance of the new thought, and we give birth to a new piece of scandal, or we commit a crime. The brain is pleased, because the execution of the new bad impulse brought more blood, more vitality to it, and it gets the habit of thinking bad thoughts and conveying evil impulses. They were the product of idleness of mind. And as a matter of statistical fact, all tragedies, crimes, vices, scandal, gossip and misery are direct products of mental inertness or idleness.
The minds of the grumbler, the gossip, the thief, the criminal, are poor, empty, starved, wayward minds, and their brains are small, poorly nourished, sickly brains. The young wife with a moment of leisure who has a starved, empty mind, is a victim of her passions, her surroundings and her ungoverned impulses. The young wife whose brain is being fed by the study habit, is self-contained, is master of her impulses and her passions. The mental latitude of one is limited to caprice, envy, discontent, hate and jealousy; the other is light-hearted, charitable, just, contented, and happy.
Shut the two in a dungeon and the owner of the starved, empty brain will go mad. The other will find hope in her heart, and in her brain, the children of her thoughts will troop in, bringing solace and cheer and courage.
From a practical standpoint the study habit has an economic value. It preserves health and peace of mind, it enhances efficiency, it broadens our sympathies and charities, and it unifies the home circle. It is an easy habit to acquire, and it sustains its interest: it is inexpensive. The Carnegie libraries, correspondence schools, the university extension plan of lectures, etc., contribute in a large measure to its easy acquirement, and to the success with which it may be pursued.
Two Ways of Gaining Knowledge.—We gain knowledge in two ways. First, by experience, which means mingling with people, exchanging ideas, discussing topics, listening to lectures, sermons, talks, etc. Second, by reading and studying. We must read and study in order to really understand and assimilate what we learn from experience, and what we hear discussed in lectures, sermons and talks. As soon as we become interested in a study we begin to rise above what we may call the everyday plane. We desire to know more, and when we know a good deal about one subject, we want to know something about kindred subjects, so we extend the latitude of our knowledge. It is marvelous how the habit grows. It is not work, it is pleasure. We long for spare moments to renew the study, and as we experience the pleasure the growth of our mind affords, we improve in all directions. Every cell in the brain sends out vibrant impulses, new life, new hope. Health means more, life has a meaning. We find happiness in the company of those who are striving for higher ideals. We perform even our menial tasks with more care and with more interest, because we grasp their true meaning, and we know that we cannot aspire to higher ideals if we are dishonest in little things. So the study habit makes better men and better women of us, and it adds to the pleasure of life all the real pleasure there is in living. The power to analyze, to conceive, and to create are the highest pleasures mankind possesses, and they can only be attained in any degree by education and cultivation.
It is not easy to explain to the average superficially educated person the satisfaction to be derived from original or creative thinking. One must progress far enough in mental self-culture before it becomes a pleasure, almost an intoxication. Up to a certain point the acquirement of knowledge is a task, an effort, a seeming self-sacrifice; beyond that point it is a labor of love, a pleasure, a consecration. The crude, discordant efforts of a child, when it first begins to acquire a musical education, very convincingly illustrates the condition of mind of the beginner in self-culture. The task is a toil and the results do not stimulate further spontaneous effort. The same child, however, may successfully pass through the various gradations of a musical career and arrive at a time when effort will submerge itself; when the result of the knowledge acquired will be so gratifying that it will no longer be a toil; when the study will be pursued because of the actual pleasure it affords.
The only worthwhile thing in life is mind. If one does not develop the mind, it is possible to live an entire lifetime and not really live at all. To exist is not to live. All the amenities of life contribute to existence, not to life itself. To live is to create, to give, to endow.
If a book contains one original thought, it will live. Few books contain more than one thought, one inspiration. If it, however, suffuses that one thought into the hearts of men its existence will have been justified. We have no criterion or standard by which to judge the ethical value of a thought. If a thought conveys an inspiration to another and is productive of moral growth it has life and value because it creates.
To exist is to blindly follow the primal instincts. To live is to think, to reason, to grow mentally. Consequently we must have ideals, we must cling tenaciously to these ideals, and, "We must know what we want."
The Young Wife's Incentive to Self-Culture.—A young wife has a real incentive to self-culture if she hopes to maintain her position in the home and in the affection of her husband. A man has always the advantage of being actively engaged in one of the two ways of acquiring knowledge. He mingles with people. He gains considerable knowledge and frequently cultivation unwittingly. He grows with his business, and as it increases he becomes more important in the community. He mingles with keener, wide-awake business men, his wits are sharpened, his brain must be alert and virile. A healthy active brain grows, it is responsive, it absorbs knowledge. As he climbs higher, he wears off the crude corners and assumes a worldly cultivation, which men of sound business sense can adapt to suit any social exigency. The wife does not have these advantages, and, unless she appreciates this point, she is very apt to remain where she was when she married, so far as mental culture is concerned. Now to be wife in a true sense, she must be companion. She must keep pace with his prosperity on the one hand and with his intelligence on the other. The more culture and knowledge a man attains the more critical he becomes, the more cultivated his tastes, the more cultivation he demands. Qualities that did not always grate upon his sensibilities become acutely objectionable in his higher mental state. A man may be loyal at heart, but he resents the inaptitude of a wife who fails to keep the mental pace. He is willing to give his wife the benefits of his material prosperity, but he cannot give her the finer evidences of his higher mentality, because, while she may have proved true as a wife, she failed as a companion. She fell behind in culture. He cannot give that which she cannot receive. The young wife should appreciate the difference between moral disloyalty on the part of her husband, and mental disloyalty. He is the transgressor in the first, and she is the culprit in the second delinquency. We must meet a situation as it exists. Moralizing does not change the conditions. A man and woman may be temperamentally suited to each other to-day, and in a few years may be wholly dissimilar in tastes. If being a wife simply implied more loyalty and domestic efficiency there could be no just cause for complaint if she failed in every other respect, but it does not. To be a wife more than in name, one must be friend, companion, confidant. No one, much less a husband, selects as a friend, companion, and confidant, an individual whose tastes are not in sympathy with his own, who does not understand the viewpoint, one in whom he cannot confide, or one whose intelligence is crude. A man can obtain a housekeeper anywhere, but he cannot buy a home-maker, a companion, a friend, or a confidant.
The study habit will create the interest. If you once get it, only death can take it from you. If you become interested, no man can grow away from you, and no man can take from you the worlds it will open up. You must, however, begin the study habit with the determination to acquire knowledge. You must want intensely to succeed, and you must be willing to sacrifice self, and to work diligently. "If you quit, it simply shows you did not want an education, you only thought you did,—you are not willing to pay the price."
Nosophobia, or the Dread of Disease.—There is one disease I would warn the young wife not to acquire. It is called nosophobia. It is without doubt the most serious sickness with which any member of the human family may be afflicted.
In another part of this book I have written the story of the aged philosopher, who, on being asked to name the worst troubles he had in life, answered, "I am quite sure my greatest worries, and my worst troubles were those that never happened." This reply is well worth thinking about; it contains matter for serious reflection, and what makes it so suggestive and valuable is that it can be proved true by the experience of our own lives.
Nosophobia means dread of disease. It may astonish many to know that such a condition is regarded as a disease, and that it has been given a name. Instead, however, of it being a rare disease, or an unusual condition, we find it is one of the commonest diseases, and one of the most easily acquired conditions. In fact, it is so easily acquired nowadays that we have to be constantly on guard against it. Though we may not be its victim, we have all felt its influence at some time, and even one experience of it is sufficient to satisfy the most exacting. It is an absolute medical fact, that the dread of disease will render one more profoundly miserable and unhappy, and will cause more mental and physical incompetents than will any severe, prolonged, actual sickness. People who are victims of nosophobia are probably the most miserable and wretched individuals on earth. This is essentially so because of the peculiar characteristics of the disease. It is an insinuating and insidious ailment and its progress is cumulative. When we begin to worry about our health the germ of nosophobia takes up its habitation in our midst and we never know another happy moment.
The dread of disease is probably more common now than it used to be, partly because people know more about it, and, therefore, have more material out of which to manufacture dreads, and partly because a large number of people have the leisure to worry about various symptoms and sensations that come to them, and the significance of which they exaggerate by dwelling on them until they become positive torments. It is particularly those who have not much to do, and, above all, those who have absolutely nothing to do who suffer most from the affection. Children never suffer from this malady because pains and aches have no significance to them. The probability of death through sickness never bothers them. Their minds are always occupied. They are always busy, they think only of life and of living. As we grow older, however, we become introspective and we permit conditions to favor the development of a wrong mental attitude. We accentuate the seriousness of each trifling pain and illness, and the specter of death looms up in the path of each ailment. Soon we spend needless time in worry and we imagine we are not as healthy as we ought to be and that we may probably die in the near future. This affects our temperament and our efficiency. Life is no longer tolerable or attractive, and we shortly are numbered with the failures and the incompetents.
One of the unfortunate consequences of nosophobia is that a victim of it not only renders her own life miserable, but she unfortunately affects the happiness of every member of the household. She is as a rule gloomy and morose, and this constant depressive environment is not conducive to the success of any effort toward creating moments of amusement and happiness. Her presence acts as a deterrent and repeated failures to overcome this domestic cloud finally result in a complete cessation of all effort. Things fall into a rut and each member of the family seek their various forms of diversion outside the home circle.
These individuals are sometimes spoken of as "trouble seekers." In a sense, the term is appropriate, because the troubles which wreck their peace of mind never occur. In the beginning there is usually some slight physical ailment. As a rule, it is some form of nervous indigestion. Under appropriate and adequate treatment such forms of indigestion are readily curable in ordinary individuals, but these patients are not ordinary individuals. They are perverse and opinionated. They have their own ideas. It is impossible to convince them that they are not as sick as they imagine. They think the physician fails to quite comprehend their cases,—that he does not recognize the serious side of the ailment, and so they are never wholly satisfied with medical assistance. The little incidental pains of the indigestion are indications of heart disease to such a patient and she acts in sympathy with this awful affliction; the real explanation being that the gas produced by the indigestion bothers the heart for the time being. She is very apt to diet as a consequence, one article after another being avoided until she is living on a starvation diet. She fails to appreciate the fact that she needs more nourishment, not less; that her stomach is in good condition, the fault being with her nerves. She finally becomes anemic and neurasthenic and a misanthrope.
The young wife can readily appreciate that, to expect domestic success and happiness under such circumstances, would be impossible. Yet there are young wives who develop this habit of accentuating their little pains and ailments inordinately, to their husbands, on every occasion. They adopt this dangerous means of exciting extra sympathy and caressing. Some do it in explanation of their failure to perform their household duties efficiently—a laziness plea pure and simple.
These inefficient and tricky little ladies find that it is easy to impose upon their unsuspecting husbands, so they proceed to work out the details to their own satisfaction. After spending the day sight-seeing or shopping or gossiping, and having neglected their work and feeling tired, they assume a becomingly abandoned position on the big, new, comfortable couch, practice a few heartbreaking sighs and experiment with the tear supply. These details are arranged and timed to be effective just as Jack opens the hall door with the latchkey. We can picture what follows without making any effort to dramatize the incident. But if the reader will try to create mental pictures of the frequently recurring home-comings under the same circumstances, she will develop interesting studies in domestic psychology as she watches the effect upon Jack when the truth begins to dawn upon him.
It needs no oracle to assure these women that they are traveling along a road that has only one ending. Love is as old as the hills, and the older it gets, like the wise old hills, a wiser old love it becomes. It exacts its price, and its price is an equal love. There never was a love born—except maternal love—that will sustain itself after the knowledge dawns upon it that it is being bartered away and imposed upon. The day of reckoning comes in time and the dream is over.
Do not forget that the first year of married life is the trial year—the real test of your soul-merit. During that first year you carve, as it were, on a monument, in a thousand different ways, the ineffaceable record of whether you deserve success and happiness in the struggle of life. In what should be the after-glow of love's young dream—the first precious weeks and months as a young wife—no element will be more subtly dangerous than the art of duplicity. Before a young wife determines to practice deception she should fully appreciate the inevitable consequences. If, under the mistaken idea that she can easily deceive her husband, because "he trusts me so," she believes she may continue to do so with impunity, she is the most elementary of all silly little fools. She has failed to observe that the great law of the universe acts in the interest of the rich and poor, the fool and the philosopher alike. She will become too clever and like all fools and criminals she will give herself away. She will wake up to find that she has been playing with the sacred things of earth—home and a husband's love; that, never again can she reëstablish the affection and confidence which she has trampled upon and defiled; that the future is a mortgaged hope and she herself an unclean and unworthy thing.
Practicing the art of duplicity in simulating physical ailments will, if persisted in, establish nosophobia. The patient will come to believe that she is not exactly well. She will establish the habit of feeling sick. This will render her mind diseased and the diseased mind will in turn suggest new and additional aches and pains, and she will soon not know whether she is sick or well. The dread of disease will effect its retribution and soon she will be, in fact, an unhappy and an unsuccessful young wife.
Modern conditions unfortunately favor the easy development of nosophobia in young wives. Our larger knowledge of the symptoms of diseased conditions tends to render the analysis of localized pain more definitely and more suggestively. Certain pains, we are told by hearsay busybodies, mean certain serious conditions, and the category of these diseases extends from indigestion to consumption and to cancer. To the victim of nosophobia this suggestive knowledge is a constant terror and an ever present nightmare. To the normal healthy mind they mean nothing and suggest less.
The modern young housewife has a superabundance of spare time. The utilization of the young wife's spare time is of the most momentous importance as we have previously pointed out. It is the one commodity which will speak in the after years in words of solace and cheer or in regret and condemnation—according to how these precious moments are spent. If these moments are not spent in a way best fitted to wholly occupy the mind, the mental attitude—to which we previously referred, and which is conducive to the cultivation of nosophobia—will have been developed.
There are certain kindred conditions that may partly explain, to the ordinary healthy person, the real distress of mind into which these self-centered sufferers sink. The fear of a thunder storm, for example, creates profound dread and distress of mind in some people. The dread of dirt, of sharp instruments, of certain insects and animals, of darkness, of an ocean voyage, and of great heights, are common examples of this type of mind-distress of which the characteristic symptom is an inexplicable and uncontrollable dread. The same system of self-discipline and self-control is necessary to effect a cure of these various forms of mind-distress as is necessary in the successful treatment of dread of disease. To none of these other forms, however, is attached the same degree of seriousness by the laity as they attach unjustly to nosophobia. The conditions are all the same, but they reason that the dread of darkness or dirt or mice or height cannot possibly bring death or seriously affect the health or happiness, while sickness and the dread of it, means—so they imagine—pain and maybe death. Medically, nosophobia has no such significance. The condition exists only in the mind and the same effort at self-discipline will cure the dread of disease as well as the dread of any other possible condition. It is this element of mind, however, that lends itself to the cure of this condition by other means than legitimate medical advice and so we have had "healers" and "miracle workers" who have sprung up from time to time in the history of the world, who have cleverly taken advantage of this element in human nature, and reaped a rich reward.
"Keep Still and be Well."—To instruct the young wife how she may guard against acquiring this habit, we would suggest that she "keep still and be well."
When the world appreciates better the psychology of thought, its tremendous significance will have a concrete meaning. We are too apt to regard the thought we give utterance to as a meaningless thing, so far as its influence is concerned. The woman who harps upon her ailments, who appears at the breakfast table with a depressed and melancholy visage, who regales us with an account of how poorly she slept, the nightmares she experienced, the pain she suffers, and who puts into her inflection the poison of self-pity is an emissary of Satan. I have seen a whole family's happiness for the day destroyed by the meaningless ranting of a hysterical woman. Life is hard enough for all, for each of us to at least wish each other well.
The individual who cultivates the habit of carrying sunshine and good cheer to the breakfast table belongs to the sort of folk who help and inspire the whole world to a greater achievement. If one is sent away each morning from home with a cheery word and a radiant good-by he is inspired with the virtue of success and his efficiency is ensured.
Cultivate the art of contentment and remember that relationship does not imply liberty; you have no right to send out into the world a member of your family depressed and miserable because of your irritability and evil habits.
"Keep still and be well." If you cannot say a good word about a fellow-being, say none at all. Don't become a scandal-monger. We can forgive those who talk evil about us—they talk to hear themselves talk. The gossip germ is born of ignorance and vacuity and breeds best in idle minds. No one is influenced by the vaporings of a gossip, her words die in empty air. She injures herself only. The loquacious pest who brings to us the tales which the scandal-monger manufactures is the one who robs us of our peace and is unforgivable. To dignify the malicious intentions and idle nothings of an evil mind by carrying them further is an expression of degeneracy that is urgently in need of active disinfection. To vilify another is foolish; to repeat it, is the function of a rogue. Your friends bring you the glad tidings of the good things that are said about you: your enemies are those who, in the holy name of friendship, bring to you the poison of evil gossip. "Keep still and be well."
THE HOME
CHAPTER XXVII
"If we are eager to do something to lighten the load of another, eager to sacrifice self; to cheer, and counsel, and inspire; to leave unsaid some unkind word, to forget our own troubles in the larger trouble of a friend, we are home-builders."
"A married woman can't decently spend her life in playing bridge, and in running ribbons through her underclothing She hasn't any right just to camp on her husband's trail.
"No woman on earth has a right to maintenance unless she gives value received."
DOMESTIC QUALITIES
A Good Housekeeper and Home-maker—What Constitutes a good Housekeeper—Preparation and Selection of Meals—Washing Dishes—Pots and Pans—Dusting and Cleaning—Work Cheerfully and Be Thorough—Don't Be a Dust Chaser—Don't Get the Anti-sunshine Habit—Air Your Rooms—The Ideal Home—The Medical Essentials of a Good Meal—What Makes the Home—Working for Something—The Average Housewife's Existence Is Slavery—What Shall We Work For—Making Ends Meet—Rest and Recreation—Try a Nap—Get Enough Sleep at Night—Go Out of Doors—Take a Vacation Now and Then—Life Insurance—Owning a Home—The Cheerful Wife and Mother—The Indifferent Wife and Mother—Husband and Wife.
A Good Housekeeper and Home-maker.—If the young wife carries out the suggestions made on the preceding pages and thereby contributes her part to establishing the material success of the co-partnership, will she profit in any other way?
She will have become a good housekeeper and home-maker.
Housekeeping is an acquired art, home-making is a moral quality, an instinct. Housekeeping conducted as an art is superfluous. Home-making is a triumph under any circumstances. There are many good housekeepers; there are few competent home-makers. Housekeeping may easily be overdone; home-making can never be overdone. A beautiful house is not necessarily a beautiful home. Housekeeping should be conducted with a view to home-making and never for any other reason. Sometimes we see housekeeping brought to its highest perfection by the same woman who never did understand the simplest rudiments of home-making. The woman who becomes the victim of the housekeeping mania never realizes it; it is an insidious art.
There can be no doubt that a well-kept house is a thing of beauty. So also is a marble statue, but it is cold and bloodless.
The young wife must strive to combine the two faculties. She should be an efficient housekeeper in a happy, comfortable home.
What Constitutes an Efficient Housekeeper?—An efficient housekeeper is one who has acquired the knowledge necessary to perform all the duties of housekeeping, and who executes these duties efficiently, with the least possible expenditure of time and labor.
It is an absolute fact that most young wives begin housekeeping with the crudest ideas as to what housekeeping means. It has been pointed out many times, that many mothers bring their daughters up without instructing them in the elementary principles of keeping house. It is nevertheless necessary to repeat this statement over and over again, and to point out the enormity of the injustice done. Even if a daughter is fortunate enough to marry a man who is capable of supplying all the help necessary, a wife should know enough to intelligently discern if the work is properly done. If she does not understand the rudiments of housekeeping, and has no help, her inefficiency may be directly responsible for breaking up the home.
Preparation and Selection of Meals.—Thoroughness and simplicity are the two essentials to a satisfactory meal. If the articles are thoroughly cooked and the selection simple, there is no chance for trouble. A breakfast of fruit, a thoroughly cooked cereal with cream, a boiled egg and toasted bread and butter, is simple and is adequate. Freshly prepared hot biscuits sound good, but, unless you know your oven and have had a lot of experience, they are apt to result disastrously. Even if you are an expert, don't make them. They are very bad for digestion.
For dinner, lots of thoroughly cooked vegetables, a small piece of steak or two lamb chops, bread (at least one day old), and good butter, a baked apple, stewed prunes, or rice, boiled for three hours, is enough for any one. Have your meals on time. Be sure the table cloth and napkins are clean, and your dishes hot. Establish the habit of being cheerful at meals, of eating slowly, and of coming to the table with a clean, fresh dress.
Washing Dishes.—While your husband is reading the evening paper, wash your dishes. Washing dishes is an art. Few young wives acquire it. The secret is, a big basin, lots of hot water, lots of soap, and a desire to wash them clean. If you wash them clean, don't smear them over by drying them with a greasy dishcloth. Wash your dishrag and drying towel every day, and hang them up to dry in the sun.
Pots and Pans.—How they are neglected! If you have any pride as a housekeeper, be clean. Hot water, soap, a cleansing powder and a little effort, and your pots and pans will be a credit to you. Have a system. Take time. Keep your kitchen tidy. Don't let work accumulate from meal to meal or from day to day. It is astonishing how lazy and dirty some women are. We have seen young women on the street, dressed tidily and smartly, and we have gone into the homes of these women and have been disgusted and nauseated with their general appearance. There is absolutely no excuse for this, and a young wife who gets into the habit of being indifferent is a disgrace to her sex. She cannot hope for success or happiness.
Dusting and Cleaning.—Every home should be thoroughly cleaned once a week. A certain day should be selected for the purpose. A certain system should be followed. After it has been done a number of times, you will devise ways and means of doing it quicker, easier and better. New methods will suggest themselves from time to time, so, by planning and systematizing, you will get rid of the drudgery part, and there will be a constant incentive present to beat your past record. You must get rid of the feeling that it is uninteresting drudgery and slavery. A woman who looks upon her work in that light is not deserving of any better fate, and she will not get much further. If you are one of these perverse individuals who resent advice; if you object to being told the truth; if you do not want to profit by experience; if you are satisfied as you are, don't waste your precious time reading books. No author can tell you how to get something for nothing; no teacher can instruct others in anything. He can only awaken thought and arouse impulses. The law of life is harmony. An individual who wastes God's precious time in grumbling and fretting is the most pitiful object in the universe. Try to appreciate that you are part of the divine problem, regarding the conduct of which certain implacable laws have been formulated. To obey these laws means continued life, health, strength, power and success; to disobey them means weakness, sickness, incapacity, unhappiness, discontent and premature death.
Some people learn quickly how to conserve strength, how to systematize, how to be cheerful and hopeful and to radiate thankfulness. From a selfish standpoint this is the only method that pays. Some people will not see the point. They will put it aside by some such sophistry as: "Oh! it does not apply to me." It does, nevertheless, and probably at a later date, when the chance of achievement has withered, they will see the point through the mist of regret.
Work cheerfully, therefore, and be thorough. Don't overdo it. Fussiness is objectionable, useless and unhealthy, because it is a constant drain on nerve energy. Some women are dust-chasers. They are eternally poking into corners with a feather duster. They chase dust from one room to another and back again, and the sight of a few grains on the piano makes them sick. Dust with a moist cloth and when your dusting is over leave it and forget it. Don't buy a feather duster.
Don't get the anti-sunshine fad. Let the sun in. Don't pull your shades down to save the parlor carpet. Your husband would probably sooner buy another than pay for a funeral.
Air your rooms always, night as well as day. You cannot overdo it. Buy mosquito screens, keep the flies out, but let the air in.
The Ideal Home.—It is difficult to describe an ideal home, but we know one the moment we are in it. Its atmosphere instinctively breathes the personality of the home-maker. Its individuality distinctly differentiates it from the ordinary impersonal home. Its housekeeping dress is inviting; its furnishings harmonious; and it exhales repose, and comfort, and peace. When we meet its mistress we are welcomed in a low, gentle, cordial tone of voice, and in a manner which radiates honesty and unaffected simplicity. We discover the source of the unusual atmosphere. It is herself, the wife, the mother, the home-maker. She is the mystery of the ideal home. Each day her divine art grows more perfect because her heart is consecrated to the work. She may not be surrounded with material splendor. The miracle is in the soul she possesses. Love is the magic wand she yields. She loves her home, her children, her husband. She is the queen mother in the paradise she creates.
We have seen that a good housekeeper may not be a home-maker. Every home-maker, on the other hand, is a good housekeeper. The ideal home could not exist unless presided over by a home-maker. A home-maker necessarily implies being a good mother; but a good housekeeper, who is not a good mother, will never be a home-maker.
A good housekeeper will keep house for the art's sake and will resent any domestic event which upsets her housekeeping sense of decorum, even though the event may have splendid home-making possibilities. The mother with the home-making instincts will invite, and aid, and will conceive events, which, though they upset her housekeeping routine, will contribute to the happiness and edification of the home circle. The housekeeper's sense of duty ends when a good dinner is served; the home-maker's real duty and incidentally her pleasure begins, when dinner is on the table.
The Medical Essentials of a Good Meal Are: Pure food, judiciously selected for two reasons. First, that there may be an adequate daily variety—in order to stimulate the individual taste and appetite; second, that the food supplies may be adapted, in nourishing equivalents, to the work and age of the diner. The food must be thoroughly cooked, eaten slowly, and masticated with care and deliberation. Every meal should be served and eaten when cooked and ready. Food should never be allowed to stand when cooked to the proper degree. Overdone food is not desirable. The dishes should be heated to the proper degree; the table linen, napkins, etc., clean and fresh; and the family should all eat at the same time.
A meal should never be hurried. Interesting conversation is, therefore, a necessary and a commendable feature while dining. There is less desire or tendency to hasten through a meal when one is interested or is being entertained. The intervals between courses will be welcomed rather than resented under these circumstances, and the appetite will be keener and the enjoyment greater.
The wife and mother, who is the home-maker and consequently responsible for the esprit de corps of the family, will direct, suggest, and guide the conversation into profitable and interesting channels. By thus supplying the atmosphere necessary to the efficient eating of a meal, the digestion and the assimilation of the food will adequately take care of itself. Overeating is never a part of any meal and should be religiously avoided.
What Makes the Home.—We know it isn't the house we live in that makes the home. Many have lived in humble dwellings and have carried all through life the memory of home as a sacred legacy. Wealth does not make a home, nor culture, nor any of the intellectual attainments for which we may strive unceasingly. We may have all these and yet not know the joy of "home." "Home" conveys to every heart the same tender memories. To have known the blessings of a "home" is to be fortified for life's battles. No one can deny its importance in humanizing mankind. A boy who has never known what it was to have a home, whose substitute for the home associations was an "institutional mother," may have all the necessary potential qualities for success, but he will be forever deprived of the inspiration that memory of home kindles in every human soul.
The secret of the sources of home is its atmosphere. The atmosphere of home is the sum total of the kinship and sympathy radiated by its members. It is a tangible something which is capable of being felt, which is capable of inspiration and which is capable of being carried away into the years beyond, exerting a helpful influence over the milestones of worry, and trouble, and defeat; and it is always a fragrant, soothing, energizing influence. Every human heart needs the memory of a home and the presence of a friend at all times and in all places.
We must contribute our share to form the right kind of home-making "atmosphere." The two qualities which are essential to this task are sympathy and peace. Each contributor must be more than a negative unit in the home. It is not enough to simply desire peace—a deaf mute could fill that part. We must desire to please and we must be an active agency working for harmony and peace. If there is in our heart enough sincere affection for brother and sister, father and mother, the desire to please will be the bond of sympathy that will weather every temperamental storm. If we are eager to do something to lighten the load of another, eager to sacrifice self, to cheer and counsel and inspire, to leave unsaid some unkind word, to forget our own troubles in the larger trouble of a friend, we are home-builders. We must control our moods in the home, we must submerge the instinct of selfishness, of impatience, of pride, and of obstinacy. We must not be opinionated, we can many times conform to the opinion of others in trivial matters and preserve peace; we thereby minister to the happiness of others, because to give happiness is the surest way to be happy. Temper is the sting that poisons many homes. Its possessor is an impossible associate and will defeat the work of the angels in the effort to make homes.
Working for Something.—At various times we have emphasized the necessity of having definite plans, of "knowing exactly what you want," of "beginning wedded life with ideals"; in other words, we believe that to combine the maximum efficiency with the greatest degree of happiness it is necessary for all of us to "work for something."
It is not necessary to prove that the average human life is uninteresting; most of us know that. As a matter of fact the average existence is a monotonous, hopeless dreary stretch of time, dotted at more or less frequent intervals with physical pain and suffering, and with mental sorrow and anguish.
While this is undeniably a true epitome of the average life to-day, it is not to be accepted as the only possible average existence. Every agency that is working for the betterment of the conditions which surround life is helping to elevate the status of the average individual. As individuals, the question whether our life will conform to the average, or be individualized, rests with ourselves.
The ordinary average housewife's existence is slavery in its loneliest and most wretched form. Its utter hopelessness is its most depressing feature. If we could hope for some glint of sunshine, some day in the future when conditions would change, some circumstance which would give us the opportunity which we have never had, some test of our womanhood,—anything to relieve the crushing, hopeless inertia of the daily routine,—we imagine we could go on again, hoping that things would permanently change eventually. Don't "hope things will change." Change them! Don't get in a mental rut; don't be an "average" housewife. If you really can't do anything else, if things are so abjectly hopeless that there is no other way out, if your path is leading to nowhere, start a rebellion. When the smoke has cleared away you may see a new path to follow, and it may lead to somewhere. It is not necessary to do this often, because the fault is usually our own, and not that of environment or conditions, or our husbands. All we need to do is to think things over, and begin something, and all the other conditions will take care of themselves. The moment we step outside the humdrum path of existence, the moment we are curious enough to do this, there is hope for us. A little mental fresh air will dissipate a good many brain fogs. The instant we begin "working for something" definite, we cease to follow in the procession of the average helpless and hopeless citizen. So to the young housewife we would strongly suggest that she "think things over" and decide what she is going to work for.
Now, what will it be? Of course it will be different with each housewife. With many it will be "a home of our own." It may only be a piano for the children, or it may wisely be more insurance. Possibly you live in the country, and you long for the social and other advantages of the city. You may be a city wife and may long for a farm in the glorious country. It may be a trip to Europe; or a college education for the boy; or a musical career for the daughter. It does not matter what it is, the "it" is the thing itself, and, having found it, the world for you has changed. The lonesomeness, and the hopelessness, and the wretchedness of life have disappeared. There is always in the future the "it"; no matter how dark and gloomy the road may be, it is illuminated at the far end with the realized "it." It is the bearing of the burden of life that makes a wife, and when we have "something to work for" we begin to live. Love is the explanation. We don't want the home for ourselves. We want it for those we love, we want those we love in the atmosphere, which I, as mother, will make in "our home." It is the elemental mother that speaks,—the motherhood spirit that pours out eternally in self-sacrifice and keeps no debit account. It is the cry of the primal mother that echoes through all the ages and which has kept the race sane and safe and hopeful. Having something to work for supplies the element necessary to cheerfulness. In the darkest moments, when everything seems to go wrong, the thought that we can look forward to a time when a great change is coming, when we will move to the new home, when we go to the farm or the city as the case may be, or when John will finish his college course and start out as a lawyer,—when the strain of skimping and making ends meet is over we feel that the struggle will let up and we can rest in peace for a little while. It is sharing these burdens that counts, and brings out the best elements of human nature. The struggle of making ends meet draws the young couple closer together, and adds that touch of divinity that is essential to confidence and love. It strengthens character, curbs the tendency to unnecessary expenditure of money and time, and teaches frugality and patience. The incentive to win out is ever present, and it is the anchor that means final satisfaction and success.
Try to see the point. Work for something,—something worth while, and when you have once begun never turn back. "Nothing-succeeds like success."
Rest and Recreation—A young couple should find time for rest and recreation as well as for work. This part of the domestic problem should be carefully and systematically utilized, and just as faithfully carried out as any other part. Both husband and wife should participate in these hours of enjoyment, and the husband should assiduously try to make of these respites periods of real mutual benefit. No matter in what station of life one may be, it is always possible to find congenial means of passing many happy and profitable hours together, if the spirit of companionship and mutual interest is kept alive. It is the incessant strain upon the nervous system that constitutes the real danger of home life. The struggle to make ends meet; to keep the children neat and well fed; to look respectable; to provide clothing and education; to nurse the sick; to tolerate gossipy neighbors; to put up with ugly tempers; to meet the constant drain of society, business, politics and religion,—the wonder is that so few remain outside the lunatic asylums.
There are certain inevitable daily happenings in the life of every housewife that must be tolerated though they are not pleasant. A certain number of interruptions will come at the most inopportune moments. The children will come in with muddy feet and walk over the clean floor; some days the stove works splendidly, other days it acts as if it was crazy; the milkman is late to-day and too early to-morrow; some days the iceman comes, some days he stays away, and these are the days we want him most; the upstairs work is not quite done when cooking must be begun; the grocer forgot to send the butter; a dish or two will crack or break every day; doors will slam; the rain begins to fall just when the clothes are all hung out; baby needs nursing just when the pie must be turned; a visitor calls before the dishes are washed. These are inevitable. The cure does not lie in some impossible revolution. We must rest the nerves and take the strain off.
Try a nap in the middle of the day. Lie down and relax even if you do not sleep. In some countries this is a national custom. It should be a law in America. One cannot appreciate the amount of good that can be gained from one-half hour's sleep. Medically it is a wonderful rejuvenator.
Get enough sleep at night. Late hours in the home is a bad habit and a poor investment. It affects the health and the efficiency. One extra hour means all the difference between frayed-out nerves, exasperated dispositions and home peace and contentment. There is a certain fixed ratio between sleep and good nature that has been formulated into a law by psychology. Keep early hours and the whole complexion of life will improve.
When indoor work becomes irksome go out of doors, try a walk. Nothing will dissipate tired-out nerves quicker than a brisk walk. Every housewife should walk in the open air every day of her life. It is an absolute necessity if she hopes to retain her health and spirits. She will be in better shape and in a better mood to carry out her part of the daily programme.
Take a vacation now and then. Go to the seashore or into the mountains. When a housewife is run down and irritable; when the disposition comes to indulge in a lonely cry; when she wishes she had never been born; when the cook stove and the children are hysterical irritants; it is time for a day off. The husband should find time to take his wife into the country for a week end, even a day at the seashore will work like magic.
Resting and recreation are necessary. If we do not recognize this fact, and adopt the habit as a preventative, we will be compelled to take it in an effort to cure a malady that has established itself as a consequence of the neglect. It, therefore, is a time and money saver, and it saves friction, and home, and maybe life.
Life Insurance.—Every young wife should insist upon her husband carrying life insurance upon his own life. She should make this a part of the prenuptial agreement. We would go further and state that a man who will not willingly agree to this is not a safe man to marry. The kind of insurance is immaterial, so long as it guarantees to the wife an adequate sum of money in the event of his premature death. The wife should regard the payment of the premiums as one of the necessities, and should personally know that they are promptly paid.
Owning a Home.—It should be the hope of every married couple to own their own home. It has been the regret of many, when in later years they have figured up the money which they have spent in rent, that they did not think of this plan earlier. Nowadays, it is possible to pay a very small sum down, and certain monthly payments, which apply on the purchase of a house. By beginning this way, when the family expenses are small, it is comparatively easy, and without any deprivations, to own the home outright in a few years. Many couples foolishly buy gaudy and unnecessary furniture, and live in more expensive homes than their means justify, in order to create an impression, when first married, which they later regret. If part of the money, which the young husband has undoubtedly saved,—or he should not marry,—was paid down on the purchase of a house it would be paid for before the extra expense which necessarily comes with children had to be met. The plan works to the advantage of the couple both ways, because, if no rent has to be paid out after a few years, the extra expense of children would not then be a hardship.
The Cheerful Wife and Mother.—How many happy memory pictures we see by simply reading the name,—the cheerful wife and mother,—we might call her the optimistic mother. No matter what we did as children, we were never afraid of her. She always saw the bright side, and if we did something wrong she never scolded angrily; she talked to us convincingly and made us slightly ashamed of ourselves. If we had any plan or project we took it to her, she listened, and she suggested, and before we knew it she had solved our problem and the plan was possible,—away we would go, enthusiastic and happy, to work out the details as she suggested, and shortly our "party was on its way." If any of us had an accident,—we didn't go home, we were afraid of a scolding,—the victim was rushed to her, she would wash the blood and tears away, bathe the wounded part, put on a bandage and then take the little patient up to her room. A cake and a story would soon have us feeling good and help us forget our pain. Oh! she was an angel to us. On rainy days she found a way to amuse us, our dirty feet didn't count, the floor was to be washed up anyhow. To keep in her good graces, however, we had to be reasonably good. She told us stories, and we soon found out that she didn't like a mean or stingy boy, and a boy or girl who would tell a lie she would not talk to for a week. Her stories always proved that the mean boy, or the bad little girl, or anyone who told lies, never had a good time, that no one liked them, and most everybody kept away from them, if they didn't stop being bad. She was a wonderful mother, and every boy and girl for miles around knew her and loved her.
And so it is that children soon learn who their real friends are. A home is what the mother makes it. Cheerfulness does not cost anything, and how much better it is if happiness abounds. You can get infinitely more of the confidence of a child by being gentle, and by showing that you have his or her real interest at heart. They will trust you more and rely upon your forbearance in the event of anything going wrong. As we boys and girls grew up the interest of the angel mother didn't cease; we met her often, and she would ask "how things were going." She knew exactly what each of the boys and girls was doing, and we always told her the truth, and all the truth. If anything did go wrong, she would know of it from one of the others, and she would "look up" the unfortunate one. Many times to my knowledge she has helped another mother over a crisis; when a boy was about to go wrong or showed a tendency to do some foolish thing. She did so because she "had a way" of getting round the boy, that even his own mother did not possess, and he would listen. A mother who can preserve her own cheerfulness under all circumstances is a jewel. The influence she wields is beyond estimation. A radiant cheerfulness is something akin to Christlikeness, it is an inspiration. People who live together frequently feel out of sorts in the presence of each other without a feeling of compunction, without realizing that they are guilty of a social discourtesy. If there is in that home an optimistic, cheerful mother, how different the atmosphere is! The cross look, or the touchy word, is quickly observed and all the power of her infectious cheerfulness is brought into battle array and the discontent is chased away, the vitriolic spirit of quarrel, slumbering so near the surface, is made to feel ashamed of itself. It shrinks into the darkness, and we begin the day all over again, thankful that mother is so good, so considerate and patient.
It isn't exactly by the children that such a mother is best appreciated. Father knows the real value of her cheerfulness. He knows just what it has meant in the past, and he knows what it means now. He can look back and he can recall many instances in which the optimism of his wife was the agency which turned the tide. He knows of many business deals wherein the cheerful advice of his wife changed his viewpoint and so changed failure into success. He can recall many instances during the early days of his business career when the outlook was gloomy and doubtful, when its success depended upon so small a matter as temperament and disposition, when the cheerfulness, the love and tact of his wife dispelled the gathering clouds, strengthened the wavering spirit and instilled new fight, new purpose, new hope, into the situation. Oh, yes, he knows that cheerfulness, and optimism, and tact, and love, have a definite economic value, but it cannot be estimated in dollars and cents. He knows they are an asset in the domestic problem, but they are sacred, holy, consecrated.
Cheerfulness is such a potent reality that it has a definite, concrete value. Life is a product of environment to a very considerable extent. Our surroundings very often dictate our attitude, and temperamentally at least we radiate whatever spirit our environment generates.
HEREDITARY FEEBLE-MINDEDNESS[B]
Here is the law. The blood of the father was tainted. For several generations it lay dormant, and then smote this little child, Bertha. It is the terrible, the inevitable law of heredity.
Not so much now, as years ago, is there intermarriage. It is fortunate, for the results of in-breeding are far worse in human beings than in animals; chiefly because of man's more highly developed nervous system. New, pure blood above all things else is a re-energizing force which may go far toward eventually eliminating any trace of taint.
[B] "Feeble-mindedness; Its Causes and Consequences," Goddard, The Macmillan Company.
One cheerful home will radiate, will send out into the world, certain definite, concrete influences which will encourage and stimulate, and strengthen and give new hope to every living thing it reaches. The atmosphere of cheerfulness will exert a specific influence upon every disposition within its zone. The children of a cheerful mother and home will radiate happiness, contentment and love. The husband of a cheerful wife will carry into life's struggle a more just, a more equitable, a more humanizing influence as a direct, concrete result of that cheerfulness, and who can tell into how many other homes the spirit of cheerfulness will be carried as a consequence of the justice, and equity, and charity of that husband and father? To return after a day's work and worry to a fireside, to a home, in which cheerfulness is the radiating element is to inspire contentment and peace and thankfulness. Out of the joy of thankfulness, out of the satisfaction of peace, and the fulness of contentment, the kingdom of Heaven is born, and when human hearts feel like this they are living near the borderland of great possibilities. The cheerful wife and mother needs little advice. She does, however, need our love and the knowledge that we are true to ourselves and that we are fighting an honest fight. She will be happy in that knowledge.
The Indifferent Wife and Mother.—The home over which an indifferent wife and mother presides is a "happy-go-lucky" home. There is something radically wrong in the make-up of a woman who is wife and mother and who is indifferent. It is not a natural condition, and it is frequently a product of simple ignorance. Such a woman may be exceedingly amiable and charitable; she may take an active interest in church and social affairs, and may be regarded as a kind and model housewife. Her interests are outside the home, however, and since the home is a place of apathy and indifference she feels she must "keep busy" elsewhere. She is out of touch with her husband and his affairs, and the children "get along somehow." If they come in for meals and report for bed that is all "any one can expect." There is seldom any acute friction, because every one is indifferent and selfishly attends to his own affairs.
Such a home is devoid of the domestic atmosphere. The mother touch is lacking: sentiment and love have long ago taken wings: the temperature of the place is cold and forbidding. The children "exist" and may be healthy animals, but their souls are empty and there is no comradeship or affection in their make-up. They do not know what human sympathy means, and they either grow into successful machines, or indifferent citizens. As human beings they are failures. It would be astonishing to know how many of this type of mother and wife the present strenuous age is producing. They are certainly on the increase, and the unrest, which is a growing characteristic of the sex, is tending to still further increase this type of womanhood. The mother element is being subverted and in its place we find "Justice" with her scales, but with a marble heart.
These women do not realize that the citadel of motherhood is a sacred, holy citadel, and that its responsibilities cannot be met by a negative allegiance. A child's character, its training, its physical equipment, its mental development, its body and soul, its heredity and acquired instincts, its virtues and its vices, its environment, are all mothers' cares, mothers' duties, mothers' responsibilities, and if they are neglected part of the eternal scheme is frustrated and recompense will be exacted. When a woman marries she assumes responsibilities which she cannot and dare not neglect. If she does, she will have to give an accounting of her stewardship.
The indifferent mother and wife does not fit. She is incompetent, she is one of nature's sarcasms. She is a mistake as a wife, as a mother, and as a member of society. She is not sincere or she would not be guilty of such fundamental injustice. As a human being she is a parasite, and in the Master's vineyard she is a weed.
Husband and Home.—As sponsor for the welfare and efficiency of the family and the home, the wife and mother should occasionally give some thought to the husband and father.
William Muldoon, one of the greatest physical efficiency experts in this or any other country, who has intimately known hundreds of our great men in every walk of life, recently stated that American men to-day do not appear to have the same amount of physical endurance and nervous energy that men of forty years ago possessed. In other words, as a race we are degenerating. In his opinion the condition is due to the fact that commercialism has taken such a firm hold upon the American people that everything else is cast aside to make a success in business or profession.
This is a serious indictment coming from such a source and should be of intense interest to the wife and mother of to-day.
The over-worked business man, when he gets into the hands of the physician, is a neurasthenic. He has gone just as far as his vitality will take him. His mind is fagged and worn out and will not concentrate. He is nervous, irritable, and wretched. His appetite is capricious, and he sleeps fitfully. For a few days he pulls himself together and plunges into work, but the effort exhausts him and he falls back further than before. He is unhappy and despondent, his viewpoint changes and the future looks uninviting and he loses his courage and his faith in himself. He hides all this from his family, he does not want wife and children to know that he is losing his hold. He even makes desperate efforts to keep fit while at home, and for a time he succeeds.
All this has been brought about by tremendous concentration of effort to do ten times as much work as he should do, and it has all been done in order to acquire riches and independence, not so much for his own sake as for his family's sake.