“Therefore I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot”

Letters of
A Japanese Schoolboy

(“Hashimura Togo”)

BY
WALLACE IRWIN
Author of “The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum,” “Shame of the
Colleges,” “Nautical Lays of a Landsman,” etc.

Illustrated by Rollin Kirby

New York
Doubleday, Page & Company
1909

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION
INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN

COPYRIGHT, 1907, 1908, BY P. F. COLLIER & SON

COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
PUBLISHED, FEBRUARY, 1909

“Sometimes I sit and wonder in my artless Japanese way”—The Mikado

CONTENTS

CHARACTERS CAST UP BY THIS BOOK

Hashimura Togo—35-year aged Japanese Schoolboy.

Cousin Nogi—educated in horseracing & relidgeon.

Arthur Kickahajama—missionary boy.

Hon. Strunsky—Irish salooner.

Uncle Nichi—Japanese strawseed who come to America to be less so.

Mrs. Lusy Macdonald—complete angel of 286 pounds beauty.

Little Annie Anazuma—of kindergarten intelligence.

I. Anazuma—Japanese shave-proprietor.

J. Furo—who is dead.

G. W. McCann—prominent drunk.

Sydney Katsu, Jr.—who go Harvard study mollycuddling.

Miss Alice Furioki—wife to Cousin Nogi.

Miss Evelyn Suki—dear friend & more even.

Frank the Japanned Bootpolish.

S. Wanda—Japanese Socialist.

Whang So—China boy of sinful profile.

H. Sunigawa—Talented Japanese Spy.

Unknown Japanese—who call himself “Charley Smith” to get job in a bank.

Sorted persons, doctors & druggers, Bunkio Saguchi, riots, baseballers, frequent wise Professors, Hon. Niggers, delegates who walk for the unions, editors, Napoleon Bonyparte & his Brother Charley, Hon. Police & other famous Americans to include my dog O-Fido.

ILLUSTRATIONS

Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy

I
OUR NOBLE ALLIES

San Francisco, November 4th.

To Esteemed Excellency the Editor of what is much widely read New York newspaper.

Dear Sir—I am a Japanese Schoolboy age 35 years & I come to this Free Country for some following reason:

1. To save up money for old age.

2. To learn so much I can.

3. To wait on table 14 hours Daily at Boarding house of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady.

I am not doing so to-day as I am Confined in hospital enjoying much pain from brick-bat wound sent to me by one American Patriot. Also I am not attending school for some time.

If your Highness will permit such correspondence I will ask some Question which I will answer myself so as to save too much trouble for your valuable time. Thank you.

Some frequent Professors are asking the question now: Will White Man and Yellow Man ever mix? I answer Yes because I have knowledge of the affair. They mix once in San Francisco, they mix once in Vancouver. But such mixing is not good-healthy for the human race because it make broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia and many other disagreeable noises. Japanese gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman with gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know.

I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman because my Teacher tell me America and Japan are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. Marquis Wm. Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We are Noble Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall not be Noble Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” Tokyo is so happy that Rising Sun make tear-drop falling on star-stripe banner. Banzai!

Excuse bad penmanship as Right Hand was wounded by brick-bat from one Noble Ally name Casey. Bottles was also used on head which were unfortunate.

So happy Japanese! Japan has most Noble Allies than any other country. France, England, these dear Uniteds State, Germany, Australia, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal are all to fight in our behaviour. Also Corea. The most strongest of our Allies must, therefore, be England who gives day-and-night thought to making all Japanese comfortable. London newspaper weep for shame when San Francisco labour man drop building material on head of Japanese gentleman. London newspapers arrange their editorial full with considerable pity. Yes, please. England man loves Japanese man with much distinction because both are brothers by germ, are they not? Also affinities.

My cousin Nogi become recently absentee from San Francisco because he might reside away from the brick-bats. He went to inhabit in British Columbia at Vancouver to work in the Kakemono Barber Shop under the so glorious British banner. This is protection for all weak persons. I am therefore much more ill in my sick hand when I read this telegraph from my cousin Nogi.

To Hashimura Togo, San Francisco:

Welcome to Canada by Noble Allies. Three killed, seven wounded. All well. Please send shot gun.

Nogi.

I think so continuously concerning my cousin enjoying trouble from that cordial Great Britain that I am about to make hara-kiri by swallowing bottle of hospital-medicine; but I relieve my death more easily by making the following poetical thought which I mailed to the King of England who lives in London:

ADDRESS TO MR. EDWARD, EMPEROR OF THE BRITISH, WHO LIVES IN LONDON

America man he strike for pay,

Japanese work for a dollar a day.

We like all much work can do—

You like Jap boy work for you?

Yes, sir, thank you, I come now:

Plenty more Jap boy soon learn how.

O so sorry no can stay—

Yes, please, come again soon—good day!

London paper say, “Jap nice,

Fight much, think much, eat much rice.”

England love us, so we heard—

What for Canada say bad word?

Yes, sir, thank you, one good graft;

Little Brown Brother, Big Bill Taft.

O so happy come round quick—

What for Canada throw Big Stick?

We sweep kitchen, scrub out pan,

Learn speak English soon we can.

We be good boy, so polite,

Trot all daytime, think all night.

Yes, sir, thank you, too much fuss.

We like Canada—you like us?

O so sorry must go way—

Yes, please—come again soon some day!

I am still awaiting Answer to this poetical thought which must be there somewhere in English postoffice soon.

Why do Japanese Boy come to this country is requested for reply from almost every white mind of prominence. I will answer with several reason from my own vocabulary:

1. To learn religion, Bookkeeping & Stenography.

2. To cement that Friendship of nations and keep grocery store.

3. To attend horse-racing contests.

4. To learn American Manners

5. To study Customs, Murders, Art, Science, & Humoristic Literature from sunday papers.

6. To go back to Japan.

Perhaps you read in newspaper sometime rather recently about a warfare which we enjoyed with our Honourable Ally Russia which we cause to love us with a bayonet. Your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, then taught us how the peace may be manufactured and we have done so ever since. If you did not read of this in papers I will send you clippings from the Shimbun of Tokyo. We are sending the glad hand of fellowship around to all white persons, but I can not do so this week because the brick-bat wound I said to you about is in my right wrist.

Before enjoying that painful collision I spoke something with Hon. Strunsky, the Delegate who Walks for the Unions. Some of my countrymen has seen Hon. Strunsky Walk, but he has been Setting down on them occasions seen by me. I went there with ceremony before Mr. Strunsky at his saloon, because he is Irish and makes angry sudden.

“Please,” I enquiry, “let Japanese Boy to plumbing union. I am able to plumb with intelligence.”

“You make me tired,” he retorted back.

“Esteemed sir, if you are exhausting yourself with fatigue let Japanese Boy have your job. My cousin is ambitious for such a situation.”

“Beat it!” response Hon. Strunsky.

I could not assimulate that word he said it.

“What should he beat?” was question for me.

“You beat yourself around block—skiddoo!” explained honourable Delegate gentleman.

When he was explaining these things in war-cry voice so all could understand Mr. Carbonetti, an American gentleman, struck me on the wrist with a small piece of House which was not then built. I spoke “Banzai!” and Mr. I. Rogo, proprietor of the Rising Sun Coffee House, came with leaps and make jiu jitsu upon Mr. Carbonetti while O. Takura, my cousin’s grandfather, stopped Mr. Strunsky’s speeches with some kindling-wood. Soon there was rain of brick-bats from sky and Japanese Boys present much regretted they did not wear any umbrella.

That is some ways it happened.

Was it then wise for the Delegate who Walks for the Unions to say so? For was he not often remarking there was no place for Japanese gentleman in the American business? He does not know the statistick like the Japanese statesman may tell him. What does Ichipanorama, Walt Whitman of Fuji, say so?

The Visible Universe was never so full of men, Monkeys, Furniture, Noise, Literature, Diseases,

That there was not a Place somewhere, either in the hall bedroom, or in the kitchen, or in the cellar under the kitchen,

Or in the ice-box under the stairs

For the Good,

the Beautiful

and the True.

Gotama Buddha, or the Janitor, or Somebody else makes room for the Humble Deserving

And even a Parrot

May be allowed in the Apartment House.

Does a Rich Man refuse to take gold because it is yellow?

Does a Cook refuse to boil potatoes because they are brown?

Does a Car Conductor refuse to take on another Passenger because of race, colour or previous condition of servitude?

He does not, neither do they.

Man leapeth from land to land even as the flea from dog to dog.

It is so enrolled upon tablets of porcelain and ivory.

This is not exactly how Ichipanorama says how, but something like so. America has room for all. The Irish gentleman to hold the great public offices, the Jewish gentleman to attend to the drama and the clothing store, the Italian gentleman to be the merchants with the fruit, the German gentleman to attend to the large sausage interests of the country. The Japanese gentleman, then, what does he require in this so great commonwealth? Sometimes something, sometimes something different. To nail the shoe, to write the books, to work in the gymnasium, to run the banks, to peel potatoes, to govern the states. Anywhere you require his usefulness he will be so happy to be there.

Hoping your Highness understands plainly to know how I think these things here, and love to all.

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

II
THE HONOURABLE WAR CLOUD

San Francisco, November 16th.

To Editor of New York newspaper, enlightened printer who manufacture Truth for all thoughtful Person.

Dear Sir—I so happy, thank you, esteemed Mr., for you listen to how I say so in my last letter. Therefore I am much obliged to you for several more intelligent Question which I will ask you what is.

During my residence in Hospital to enjoy brick-bat wound sent there by Labouring Union, I give some large quantities of thought-attention to future life. What business would be swiftest for making success of it? Waiting on table-board of Mrs. O’Brien, honourable lady, is repulsive to proud Japanese Boy any more do. Which would be better for me: To learn to be Christian Missionary or to study for bookkeeping and stenography? Both ways lead to good jobs.

My cousin Nogi, who return from British Columbia leaving front teeth with English friends there, say, “Missionary jobs are no longer needed for Japan, because our dear country already have rapid-fire fleet and stand-up army sufficient to make all Japanese Christians.”

“What date is arrange for this Japan-America war to be shot off?” I ask for answer.

“Not yet but when!” response this Nogi making eyewink, American salute.

“In such a warfare which kingdom would beat it?” is next question for me.

“Frequently one and then some,” collapse Nogi, who think as I do.

Therefore I still ask to know. Hon. Mr. Sir, could you so courteously remind Japanese Boy of exact date for such warfare? If there is any announcement in your press of this battle would you send me clipping, address Hospital? Such an answer would be delightful to know for all-coloured races. Political man, labour-union man, newspaper-press all have brain-ache questioning, When. You will permit me, please, to speak how I think so?

Japan-America war is impossible to happen! Banzai! All should be so happy in Hon. Carnegie talking-library at Hague. Philippine Island must be taken by Japan on mortgage or some other peaceable conquest. Perhaps American Congress will consider this nice birthday present to Emperor of Japan.

How I make this knowledge? Because so. Japan could never secure these United States entirely for Japanese Government. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, tell me how Mr. Kuroki might not capture New York from such great distance of San Francisco. And what must Japan do with New York when captured? That is hard question for Japanese Boy.

While residing in Hospital bed my cousin Nogi come to me bringing donation of banana-fruit for lunching. These fruit come as package enwrapped in American newspaper-press. I am thankful for lunch, but more so thankful for reading-news on enwrapping. The information tell me nervously that fleet of ships commanded by Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will go around to the Pacific ocean by the Cape of Horn, avoiding Panama canal which is less done. Must Japan shoot American ship for going to Pacific ocean? This is question for editor. I answer, No, please! Pacific ocean still have too much water for Japan to cover with torpedo boats. Thank you, America fleet may call at San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle without angry rage from Tokyo government which is busy civilizing Corea. Hon. Mr. Roosevelt is welcome to travel.

Howeverly is, some sinful thoughts come to Japanese Boy. Is not some excitement interesting to all-coloured races? It would be fine engagement for Japan-America navies to come together sometime for slight shooting-scrape, because both have enjoyed very pleasant target-practice. America navy recently use boat of Hon. Adm. Cervera for excellent bull’s eye. Japanese navy practice, still more recently, on fleet of Hon. Mr. Rodjestvensky in which practice Japan gunners score 97 out of possible 100 hits. Yet it are not good-healthy for 2 such equal navies to meet in angry rage, because they might be bursted by following brutal diagram:

Mr. Editor I am Samurai, like all other Japanese Boys. When sick hand is well I am good for all fights. My friend, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, is exceptional to this rule saying man-strangling and dynamite explosion to be bad for human race. He teach meek-eye as best disease for strong-arm. He come to Hospital and hold my sick hand to say,

“Togo, when union labour drop brick-bat upon Japanese Boy, what then?”

“Hara-kiri!” I explain. “Japanese Boy deliver jiu jitsu upon eye of Mr. Casey.”

“So heathen thought!” devote Arthur. “When brick-bat smite left cheek, right cheek is then presentable for more.”

To such talk I am only able to speak of rats. Arthur forgive such politeness and read me poetical thought, because sickness prevent escape:

ADDRESS TO PEACE DOVE WHAT RESIDE IN HATS OF ALL EMPERORS

Tell us to know, feeble sparrow-bird of quiet politics,

Why is?

Yes, you are equally white as snow, and yet snow frequently catches it from gunpowder.

What has occurred to your appearance?

What has become of thy tail-feathers, wing-feathers, pin-feathers?

Where is the hair upon thy back and also

Where has thy left eye went?

Tell us to know, gentle chickadee of disarmed nations,

Why is thy matinee music-song

So heartlus and without feet?

Like the melody of hand-saws playing upon rusty nail, like a leak in a bagpipe or like

A widowed ostrich pining alone with bronchitis of the throat!

Hast thou a message for the world to know?

Tell me, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary!

If so,

Tell us to know, gentle harbinger of harbour-defences,

Tell us——

But Peace Dove, butting inwards upon poetical address

Of Arthur Kickahajama, missionary,

Makes peeking expression toward Holland with that one remaining eyeball,

Makes pointing gesture toward Washington with the stump of bit-off leg.

And response back to the Japanese poet as follows: “Croak!

“I will tell you to know, Arthur Kickahajama:

I have been delivered to Nations

Bearing label HANDLE WITHOUT CARE!

How can Pidgeon sail tranquil on smooth tail-feathers

When Great Peacemakers

Distribute him here and there shot-out-of-a-gun?

When, to go places, he is clubbed with swords, jabbed by sceptres, batted by big sticks?

Is there no Society of Prevention for This?

“And yet I am here, Peace has arrived—

But of what use to mankind delivered in such a shopworn condition?

Thank you for plaster-casts, thank you for limb-bandages, eye-wash, salve,

Thank you for arnica-poultice, Brother Missionary!

Peace be with you—

Croak!”

Mr. Editor, your honourable country enjoys many bad traits which are loathsome to Japanese. You are disagreeable to old age, you neglect to worship the holy relic. In the American household you worship the recent Baby with doctors, nurses, chloroform, etc., and at the tooth-cut of same all have spasms by joy. But when Grandparent injures the appendicitis he must enjoy it quietly in hospital with stationary to make will.

In boarding house of Mrs. O’Brien there is one young lady which all other eaters at the table-board call “Grandma” because of her immense age. All young gentlemen there talk humoristical anecdote, smile, eat candy with young ladies of more recent birth. While youthly ladies are doing this Miss Grandma set lonesome by lamplight reading Mrs. Humply Ward book.

I have often noticed these when seated in kitchen studying American grammar. “Why should not Young Lady be object of pious regard because of great age?” I frequently enquire for answer.

One evening I put on frockaway coat and make call to Miss Grandma.

“Hon. young lady,” I refer, “yes, ma’am, excuse me, sir! Would you tell one questioning to Japanese Boy?”

“Surely, Mister Togo,” she response. “Whatever is?”

“Oftenly” I relate, “I am attractive to your honourable notice setting lonesome under lamplight. May I call sometime for lonesome company?”

“You are kind gentleman, Mister Togo,” she beseech. “Yes, you can come often for lonesome call.”

“Thank you, sir,” I say, “you are regardless. I come so often kitchen duties prevent it.”

She give me smiling expression peculiar to American lady of any oldness.

“Tell me this answer,” she inquisitive softly. “What qualities in myself make you such admiration?”

“I admire you because of Japanese,” I response. “For in Japan we are taught to reverence the Old Age.”

She throw Humply Ward book to me, then strike me with lamp-light. Fire extinguished by means of Persian rug I retire to kitchen to make my soul enquire about things.

Hoping your Highness may place this thoughts on printing-press without danger, and love to family and friends.

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—I am taking lessons in harmonica playing of which Hospital nurse Flynn is Prof. He teach me national hymn of Hon. Geo. M. Cohen entitled “The Rag Which We Revere.” Your Constitution must feel very nervous following that Cohen Flag!

H. T.

III
THE YELLOW PERIL

San Francisco, November 22d.

To New York newspaper management and such as are doing it there.

Dear Printer—I am enjoying great poverty from employment which is missing this week, thank you.

This conversation for you to listen:

“Mr. Togo, goodbye, and be prompt in doing so!” That spoken with screeches by Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady.

“Sweet-hearted Mrs. Madam,” I resume to her, “why you neglect to allow Japanese Boy any more wait on table-board at your establishment?”

“Because this,” she demand, “lazy stupor of brain unfit Japanese Boy for such jobs. During three weeks of time you remain in hospital to enjoy pain. You think of book study more than delivering soup to my table-eaters. Some others must carry coffee-dish for this employment. Therefore exit from these house!”

“Thank you to know, Hon. Mrs.,” I report, “what person shall obtain job when I have went from here?”

“One China boy I have got him more intelligent as you for half price to do it,” she refer.

I see plain truth to this. Looking to kitchen I observe Whang So, one China boy of sinful profile. I make race-riot inside of me, but peace-treaty outside.

“Honourable Mrs. O’Brien,” I say with smiling expression, “good day, so sorry, thank you so much!” Then I make quick-step to sidewalk and trot-step to establishment of Jigo Furo, Japanese hardware.

“Thank you for something durable to handle,” I say to this Jigo Furo.

“This stove-poker is recommended for all use,” he response. It surely was truthful. I take it away for call on Mr. Whang So, China boy of sinful profile. He come to door of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien when asked for.

“Whang So, Chinese puppy-cat, wherefore you have national characteristics of one potato?” I relapse.

“You go way, no good!” he reserve with impolite expression of Oriental.

For reply I throw stove-poker to neck of Whang So, give him jiu jitsu to porch and tie him with abominable pig-tail to door knob of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien where he may be found. This things I done to Whang So as race-riot to Chinese persons which is no good for America by following statistick:

1. They perform cleanly-washing infrequently.

2. They are back-hand in religion, reform, bookkeeping and stenography.

3. They teach poker game to Japanese Boy.

4. They are a Yellow Peril.

I have given some brain-study to this Yellow Peril to make sure it is a bad blessing for these Uniteds State. It is. But should we Americans of all-colour enjoy fear of such? Answer is, No! Coreans, Chinese, & Hindus is Yellow Peril. All Japanese can defeat these easily with club-stick. We have been there to try it. If white Caucasian fear such a Peril Japanese will promise to chase it away for small wage-pay. It will be amusement for Japanese Boy who know how.

All persons should be kept out of this kingdom who can not show good-coloured complexions at ship-dock. Torpedo-fleet, battle-boat, dynamite & congress should be shot off to prevent landing of such trash like Mr. Whang So and other Chinese of yellow birth. Coreans, Siamese, & Hindus must also be prevented from escaping into this country. Christian ships must take these complexions back to original islands where they belongs. This is best good for all human races.

Many negro persons of Southern States is also Yellow Peril, but these can not enjoy exclusion, because there is no place to exclude them to.

But Japanese gentleman, please, must not be written down for this list. Derby hat, American pant, Tuxedo overcoat, have rendered him completely white of complexion and able to vote for President when asked to know how. Please do not include him in Yellow Peril, because he will not be there. He is doing things by each day that makes folks white. Let Japanese help to do push-out to all-coloured Yellow Perils coming to this country together with others patriots of star-stripe banner Yankee-doodle dandy, banzai!

I will speak to you of two Yellow Perils which I know of my knowledge.

I am acquaintance of one Corean gentleman name of Whee who reside in cellar of this city. He do not change his clothing which is economical. He sleep in soap-box, but the soap is missing. To approach Mr. Whee with hygiene is too dangerous for good healthy. Labouring Union do not fear this Corean gentleman, because he shall never take no work from nobody. When not hitting pipe-smoke this Whee man is dreaming of ancestors. He will also be one soon. When I observe such Corean patriot approaching to me I choose next street, thank you. This man is Yellow Peril of bright colour.

In one more cellar, close to where this Corean citizen reside, there sleep one Polish gentleman name of Gumowsky. This Gumowsky man is notable for forgetfulness in washing. Two times each year he is removed by health Board, but this is of no use for Mr. Gumowsky who make financial income collecting second-handed cigarettes. When he obtain sufficient whiskey-drunk there is warcry from his downstairs residence and whichever furniture he can discover to break is throwed on street to strike by-passing pedestrians. Mr. Gumowsky is not good gentleman to inhabit this American country. He is a Yellow Peril of dark colour, because soiled.

Which is more better citizen, thank you—Mr. Whee of opium smoking and Gumowsky of whiskey-drunking or Japanese Boy of derby hat, frockaway coat and all other white manners of civilizedation?

On evening time of last Thursday night Japanese branch of Chinese Exclusion League meet for church social at Asiatic M. E. Church where good time were enjoyed there. My cousin Nogi took as escort Miss Mabel Sanjijo who he are engaged to marry when divorced. I delivered to this gaiety Miss Alice Furioki pleasant young lady of yellow extraction. All Japanese Boys was present with other national ladies. Rev. Hon. Chillworthy, American missionary, make all happy by coming late.

Japanese Boy Male Quartette open excitement by songing, “I love you the same long years ago when first I meet you on the village green.” Songing listened at with patience by all. Japanese solo was next performed on phonograf. Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, do card-trick for excitement of amusement. Then we enjoy “post-office” game to practise kissing, American salute. When this was subsided I made so nervous as to read following poetickal thought:

ADDRESS TO CONGRESS ABOUT STOP-OFF OF YELLOW PERIL

Make it hard for Chinese to come in, please,

Make it nice and easy for stay out.

Punish naughty China for that sin, please,

Show what for you mean such things about.

Chop chop head of Chinese immigration.

Bang-up foolish pigtail cooley-man,

Keep such Yellow Peril from your nation.

(That give room for persons from Japan.)

Swift-kick China off your map,

Shake-shake smile for glad-hand Jap!

Ship the negro person to some island—

That will solve one problem pretty quick.

Make the Injuns live upon a highland

Scared for to come down by that Big Stick.

Shoot the no-good Russian off this nation,

Send the black-hand Dago back to Rome;

Clean this land of foreign immigration—

Then the Japanese Boy feel at home.

Shoot the Yellow Peril—boom!—

Then the Jap Boy have more room.

After this rhythm Rev. Hon. Mr. Chillworthy nearly made talk-speech. He was just saying it about “Higher Life for Japanese Boy” when something happen which was too bad. Whang So, China boy, enter with two cousins, Whang Get and Whang Gee. There was up-jump for all. Banzais could be seen everywhere as chandeliers, etc., flew to heads of China boys while those nationality was departing through windows. After these Chinese Exclusion act was performed this church sociable busted up with prayers and ice cream.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—Mr. Editor, would you put following wedding notice in paper of yours?

“Mr. Hashimura Togo of Kobe, Japan, will be marriaged to Miss Alice Furioki of Tokyo, same place, ceremony to be had at Asiatic M. E. Church, S. F. This excitement will take place when job is found for Japanese Boy which is not now doing so.”

H. T.

IV
LADY SUFFERGETTES AND HOW THEY DO IT

San Francisco, December 12th.

Editor New York newspaper who enjoys great delight while reading all poetry & story writings which he send back to Author with smiling excuses:

Dearest Sir—What say that great poeter, Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about ladies? He say as follows:

“O ladies, during idle moments

Inclined to make coyness with giggly expression,

Yet when sick-sorrow time of brain-ache come along

You are very skilful about being an Angel!”

Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice Furioki I got good chance to study them Ladies.

Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by sex. This is a very universal custom. Therefore, since original date of Eve & Adam ladies of female gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and downtroddery all time. Ladykind has been slave of gentlemankind from 1 o’clock of history to present date; they has been personal dry-goods of them tyrants of male descent without no privileges except following:

1. To tell husband what-time to get up by morning.

2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier by evenings?

3. To require, “What drunk are you carrying on breath?”

4. To save wages for him by spending it.

5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating of brain.

6. To select more fashionable friends for him.

7. To explain to him when he is foolish in business.

8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, etc., for which he must vote it.

After doing them slavery for such numberous 1000s of year, all human ladies is suddenly enjoying angry rage about them downtroddery. They wish to do some poll-voting for therselves, because husbands is frequently forgetful about how to do it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be President.

So considerable Suffergetting is being did by ladies who learn to do it.

Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat from London where it is always spoken with a English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of 35 years time can learn to Suffergette if she is quiet about it and listen to speaker while she is being arrested. This is how to do it most often:

English lady of name Mrs. Wellington Boots arrive to America dressed silently in pink opera cloak with white ostrich in hat. She proceeds herself quietly to Carnegie library, beating tunes on bass drum for fear someone might notice her. On steps of that learned bookery she array her feetsteps and make following speech:

“Oh!!”

With immediate quickness platoon of police make military formation, reserves is brought out, still alarm for State Militia and half-holiday is called in all dressmakers’ establishments. Delegates arrive from Daughters of Rebecca, Neices of American Revolution, little Mothers’ Association, etc. while Hon. Mrs. Boots pull herself to complete tallness and say,

“Fellow Sisters, let us arise up and smite it! Already we are ten million strong, and I see Congressman Carrie Jones approaching with 4 nurse-girls and 2 lady-cashiers, which makes us 6 stronger than we was. Let us forward, then, to Liberty or somewhere. Let us make such a race-riot around that Gentleman Tyrant that Heaven shall be punctuated with screams and Earth shall be scattered with hairpins.”

So procession of Lady Suffergettes make forward motion in publick street. Following is line of marching which they keeps:

First Division. Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson, Congressmen Carrie Jones & Lily McGee, Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky. These eminent statesladies is mounted on red automobiles and carry one delicious canary-colour Suffergette flag embroideries of organization-motto “Dux et Draco” and trimmed with tucks and real Irish lace.

Second Division. Composed of Salvation Army ladies’ Cornet Band which is playing “Every Day is Ladies’ Day with Us.”

Third Division. Woman’s Temperance Race Suicide Union carrying motto “Let the Men Bear the Children!”

Fourth Division. Representators of the ex-Housewives’ Association in carriages saying something serious to each others.

Fifth Division. Cavalry Troup of Lady Cowboys giving examples of rude riding.

Sixth Division. One Gentleman Suffergette on foot burdened with motto “A Man’s a Man for a’ That.”

Seventh Division. Patrol wagons full of policemans with dutiful expressions.

After they have did some ½ hour of marching, enthusiastick, etc., Congressman Carrie Jones say to Hon. Mrs. Boots, “Where shall we go to demand it?”

“Let us gone to Parliament,” decry this Mrs. Boots who know how-so to do it in England.

“So sorry not to do!” collapse several ladies in unicorn. “We have not got a Parliament in this town.”

“Such an irritant! what a nation!” deploy Hon. Mrs. Boots. “Then let us gone to City Hall.”

So ice-cream soda refreshment is enjoyed by all and procession makes onwards to City Hall where it stops itself. Loud rapping on door of this temple by all present.

“No admittance to come in!” say voice which is inside trembling.

“We require to see Hon. Mayor so that we can receive our rights, please,” says Mrs. Boots with accent.

“No goods delivered till after lunch, thank you,” say that voice from inside. “Hon. Mayor is outside eating it.”

“Then let us have Dist. Attorney, please!” peruse that chorus.

“No, ma’am, not to do!” dictate voice. “Hon. Dist. Attorney is outside drinking it.”

(Patrol wagons stand by with respectable salutes.)

Loud reports from all lady Suffergettes. Forward march! Door is smashy open and all mingle inside that City Hall filling it with female political noises. Mayor office is found vacated. Nothing in Hon. Dist. Attorney office except empty arm-chairs. Marriage Licence Bureau locked with key. Nothing to resemblance of Man is discovered inside that City Hall.

But No! One timid gentleman is found in City Treasury office hiding in safe. It is the Janitor who is praying with voice, “Please to avoid injury me—I am married to a wife.”

Janitor is permitted to go free, thank you, because of female relations. Meeting is then held in office. Hon. Mrs. Boots is elect Mayor pro tem. till arrival of Chief of Police when all enjoy arrest and is taken to Hon. Jail.

At Hon. Jail Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson and Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky is given comfortable cell on Murderers’ Row along with 6 Insurance Directors, 3 Congressmen, 1 Mayor, and 1 Boy Millionaire who shot another gentleman under very fashionable circumstances.

Tea is served in cell and lady Suffergettes receive all-kind friends which come to congratulate them about being there. American jails is becoming too exclusive of lately. Persons must be very rich or very famous, or else talented in some other way, to be locked up with all them there financiers.

Every time I see patrol wagon making gallop-off to jail I am excited to know if it is full of Suffergettes or if it contain another load of Trust Co. Presidents.

I tell my cousin Nogi about that Suffergette procession the same I told you about.

“It can not be true, because it isn’t,” he commit for pride.

“Why-so not so?” I recoil of contempt for short intelligence.

“Because thus,” he say it, “because in this America no real lady can get arrested for nothing she does, no matter how much she does it. America mans is weak from chivalry whenever their wifes & grandmothers needs to be arrested. Besides something more. Would Hon. Gov. Hughes arrest 1,000 ladies for going to Albany with request, please, to be allowed to vote for him? Would Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon ring for police-cart because Suffergettes bust into Congress to exclaim, ‘We want ballot-box to fill-up with sympathy for Jo-uncle Cannon?’ Would them candidates call for law to protect gray hairs from this? Answer is, No! Votes is votes, whether they got skirts on or something else. Washington is a very comfortable place for persons of either gander or sex to go asking for privilege to vote; for nearly everybody is a candidate in Washington.”

“Nogi, you are accused of being a Suffergette!” I collapse for disgust.

“I am not-so that,” renig this Nogi with blushes, “but Miss Mabel Sanjijo enjoys such a membership.”

“Will she join lady-excursion to Suffergette in Washington on March 3?” is next question for me.

“Yes-so—if she can borrow it for carfare,” this from Nogi. “If she can not do she will stay at home & give Hon. Pres. Roosevelt absent treatment.”

“Will Hon. Pres. Roosevelt add Suffergette plank to Hon. Republican platform?” I ask to know.

“O probably yes-so!” say Nogi. “He have added everything else to that platform. Why-so should he pause at them ladies?”

“What did Suffergette Delegation which visited Albany bring back from that tour?” I decry.

“They brung back souvenir photo representing one Statesman peeking through brush-heap. On this was wrote, ‘Choose Hughes & You Can not Lose,’ This was took as good-luck sign for all Suffergettes.”

I am disgust of so much back-talk.

“One last reply I make,” I say. “Female ladies can not make success of it in middle of Politicks. Shall we send old women to U. S. Senate?”

“Why not-so?” negotiate Nogi. “If Hons. Platt & Depew remain there so long will 1 or 2 extra old ladies be conspicuous for notice?”

Here is some delicious poem for you to abuse:

ALLEGORICAL NATURE FAKE ABOUT JAPANESE STORK-BIRD

Bun-bun

Saki-run,

Listen to the sing I song!

In Yeddo,

About 7063 B. C.

There dwell in suburban section

On roof-top chimbley of house

On street

One couple of legitimate Stork-birds

What was just like anybody.

All day Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird

Lie eggs

And look at Yeddo persons

With kind of smile.

All day Hon. Mr. Stork-bird

Go down town to transaction of business with salooners and other drunk.

He vote,

He work

He come home at night

When not forgetting to do so.

Bun-bun

Saki-run,

Listen to the sing I song!

One Thursday afternoon

Mrs. Stork-bird enjoyed one thought

(Which was very scarcely found in them days)

“Gentlemen Stork make vote,

Lady Stork make egg.

So fierce to think!

Why should not Lady Stork make conversation

And Gentleman Stork attend to population?

I ask to know!

Therefore, why?”

So, after she had finished

Household duties of afternoon,

Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird

Flap-fly to chimney residence

Of considerable other Stork-birds

Of Yeddo.

To other lady Stork-birds she deply,

“Come off it!

Liberty, eggality, affinity

Is pass-key word

For downtroddy female!

Therefore, let us begin high-fly with superior intellects of precinct-leaders & Republican caucases!”

Yet all Lady Storks deplore,

“What shall we do with eggs, please?”

“Drop eggs!” say Mrs. Stork-bird;

“Hon. Husbands can took care of eggs

If they is so bright about things.”

Bun-bun

Saki-run,

Listen to the sing I song!

Lady-storks all desugerated

To sky-high.

They all run country for 28 annual years,

Elected Board of Supervisors

And did very happy job of politicks.

Gentleman Storks, who was discouraged,

Sat on nests,

But with such unhappiness of result!

At last one day people of Yeddo

Look up and decry,

“Where is all Stork-birds went?

My sakes!!

All nests diserted from,

No youthful Stork-birds to see—

Depopulatiousness must set in

Without eggs!!”

And so it was as true,

No eggs,

No storks—

All off!

Bun-bun

Saki-run,

Listen to the sing I song!

This will make very sad song for harmonica.

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

V
THE FINANCIAL BREAKDOWN

San Francisco, January 9th.

To Editor New York Newspaper, whichever gentleman or gentlemans does such useful work there.

Hon. Mr. Sir—This U. S. Kingdom, Mr. Editor, is now at present enjoying great panic of banking business. I do not participate in this calamity, because I am making less salary than required for banking surplus. Therefore I am not objecting to present money shake-down except because I have none, and yet frequently I hear of stock-jump falling down grade until it is broken and useless for finance. Yes, also several banking-business go under. “Under what?” is question for me. For reply I hear each get-poor gentleman say “Wall Street,” pointing to Augustus Heinz on map.

This thoroughfare, Wall Street, must be magnificent place for some persons to enjoy. My Cousin Nogi explain how about that avenue. “That is very rich place for gilding,” he response, “each sidewalk there is paved with gold money which broker gentlemen do not care for. Stock exchange and many banking establishments there are constructed solidly of gold-brick.”

“Nogi,” I relate, “you often know something. Thank you to answer 5 questions which I have prepared upon letter-paper for reply.”

“Relate such troubles to some editors,” say Nogi taking derby to go call on Miss Mabel Sanjijo which he is engaged to marry when divorced. Therefore I supply those 5 questions about Financial trouble for you to look at, Mr. Sir:

1. When Stocks makes upstart motion why do it act so rather than stand stationary?

2. When Stocks makes downstart movement, what for is the reason and what would stop it?

3. Some gentlemen is called “broker”—what does he break to get such names?

4. When money is lost in Wall St. can this be recovered by advertising in newspaper?

5. Can you give Japanese Boy name and address of some honourable gentleman who might tell accurately what time some stocks will be making upstart movement soon?

Why do bank-houses burst? That is more easy answer than those questions about Wall St. jumping of stocks. Banks burst because there is nothing inside and pressure from outside causes cave in of walls. Why is there nothing in banks when so bursted? Because persons makes runnings on these banks in order to take outside what is inside. Maybe one man have $1,000 in this bank-house. He go around to that place to see if these money is comfortable there.

“Is my thousand dollar remaining comfortable in this deposit?” he require of Hon. Pay-Teller.

“Yes, please,” respond this Financier, “all such moneys is right deposited where put.”

“Thanks to know, Mr. Banker,” retort American gentleman. “If you please, permit me to carry it from places to places in my pocket which I have.”

“You are obliged to it,” demand them Pay-Teller, and take $1,000 from deposit, where was, to pocket of American gentleman, where is. Soonly numberous American gentlemans learn about take-out of $1,000, so all make running-stampede to bank-house where they say to Pay-Teller:

“Give us each $1,000 to carry from places to places in our pockets which we have in our clothes!”

“You are obliged to it,” response the Pay-Teller. So he deposit $1,000 to all persons until bank-house bursts down and Wall St. enjoys frequent panic of fear.

This show plainly that bank-houses bursting is blame of people who do it.

Rich men enjoying poverty are much stabbed by financial breaking. Poor men enjoying large incomes of money are not so stung.

To avoid financial panic therefore persons should have too much wealthy for this. How to get this money is question for Japanese Boy. How did each great American gentleman acquire such millions? If Japanese Boy could know how, he might follow example of Industry Captains and get exhalted likewise. So I put on my derby to discover about this success in business.

To Hon. Mr. Strunsky who keep saloon I go with enquiry. Like all Irish gentlemen Mr. Strunsky is sweethearted when not enjoying angry fit.

“Tell me to know, Hon. Strunsky,” I examine, “how do this Rockefeller acquire such many things?”

“He is successful in grafting,” response Mr. Strunsky.

“Thank you to response how Hon. Harriman also do so?” I talk.

“He is fine grafter,” suggest this Irish gentleman.

“In what profession do Hon. Hill, Hon. Lawson & Hon. Rodgers train themselves for it?”

“Graft!” response Mr. Strunsky making blinking motion of eye.

Thanks so much to Mr. Strunsky I go away improved. I have now choosen career to which I shall apply my mental thought. Grafting profession is good thing for Japanese Boy to learn because this lead to famous success and renown in American life. Maybe I go back Japan and teach this knowledge in University of Tokyo.

To become great famous like Rockefeller, etc., must require so much book-study of grafting. Where to get such books? Walter W. Shoji, who study learning at California university, say that grafting is sometime teached by professors together with law-courses. I go to S. F. public library & there find volumes about farming, architecture, warfare, arithmetic, socialism & religion, but no book to tell how grafting should be done by a beginner wishing to do so.

Many persons speak of Hon. Abe Reuff, now residing in jail, as grafter. This do not be so. Grafters are famous gentlemen, and therefore must be great & good. This Hon. Reuff is not so, for why would he be there in that jail then? He is so caged up for dishonestness. I would not study grafting of dishonest man, because he might not teach me right. What did Wm. Shakespeare, the great book-maker, say so? “Act well your part, others take notice.”

Hon. Sir, do you pay cash-money for poetical thought like following rhythm?

POETRY REQUESTING HON. F. AUGUSTUS HEINZ TO TEACH GRAFTING TO JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY

Noble man, you tell me so

Something I require to know?

Where I go and what I do

Learn be wealthy man like you?

Money-king

Pulling string,

Up-stock, down-stock, everything!

Many person say to me,

“Save your money like John D.”—

Have to save much long to get

Hundred million dollar yet!

Start too late,

No can wait

Save up cash at such slow rate.

Other person speak more frank,

“Go take shoot-gun, hold up bank.”

That way sinful, for I know

Honest Grafter not do so.

Where you take

What you make?

Tell me how for mercy sake!

Some folks say, “It not wise plan

Get-rich-quick from stock-talk man.”

John get-rich-quick by such game—

Why not Jap Boy do the same?

One—two—three,

Out goes he—

John stay in (that place for me!)

Tell me, please, what thing I need,

What course study, what book read,

Make Success of all can do,

Be Great Grafter same like you?

Be great man,

Make all can,

Teach this Graft to dear Japan.

Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, come me to-day and make tearful cries because I have decided to be Grafter instead of learning missionary job. When he know that I am firmtooth to my purpose he tell me this story about antique Japan:

Seven million years previously to the present Japan dynasty the great philosopher Nichi Nichi sat down to make fishing-sport by small stream-creek of Yeddo. While engaged in putting angly-worm bait on fish-hook he look down in stream-creek and observe twelve thousand sucker-fish in water making eye-wink at angly-worm bait.

“This would be remarkable luck for Japanese fisherman,” he respond, dipping angly-worm in puddle. But sucker-fish no care for diet just then and perch on bottom making smiles through gills.

Nichi Nichi is excited by obstinacy of sucker-fish. He put on caterpillar-bait. Nothing to do. He try corn-beef diet for fishes. They refusal, thank you. He spit on bait to bring favour of fish-god. Sucker-fish not care for this pains-taking, howeverly.

Then philosopher Nichi Nichi enjoy angry rage throwing fish-pole to grass, tearing beard and speeching these:

“O tell me, sucker-fish, is it not truth that you are reputed most easy of all fish that practise swimming in these brook near Yeddo?”

And them twelve thousand sucker-fish, making smiles through gills, raise fins to universal sky and response,

“Oh Nichi Nichi, philosopher, we are that.”

“Then tell me to know, idiotic waggle-tails, why you no care for delicious baits I provide for eating?”

“Because this,” reject all them fish together flipping tails to dog-star, “we have ate them baits before—caterpillar, angly-worm, corn-beef—we have ate and been catched by those. Never again, thank you so much.”

“Oh, quite well!” exclamation that great man. “Then I shall offer you some new rare bait which fishes shall eat only this once time, because so scarce to get.”

With these remark the wise Nichi Nichi take all baits off from hook. Then he drop bare hook in stream. All them sucker-fish cease to smile with gills and make hungry grab at hook, because this (they thinked to themselves) was such rare chance.

As consequence of this excitement Nichi Nichi catch 12,000 sucker-fish in 1 hour 20 minutes. These he made into canned salmon and grow very wealthy from such a Graft.

At time of death-bed he remarked to wife and children, “It would be sinful to waste good Bait on poor Fishes.”

So this proverb is pasted on all important Japanese tombs today:

“The gods have fixed the little brooks so that one sucker-fish is born each minute by clocktime. Who shall catch him, you or I?”

Hoping your printing-factory is doing good by all news and best wishes to friends,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

VI
HON. NIGGERS, WAS THEY FREED BY LINCOLN?

San Francisco, Jan. 29th.

To Editor New York Newspaper where Truth is oftenly found on shrines & Virtue sets in very comfortable rocking-chair.

Dearest Sir—Japanese Schoolboys does not addict therselves to gleeful laugh of mirth, because some Noble Thought might escape away never to be catched. What say American songer, Hon. Seth Lowell, about almanac:

“What is so scarce as a day in June?”

Answer is: A Noble Thought is more scarcer!

And yet this morning-time I was uttering several gleeful screams which was unavoidable to dodge. Editorial of newspaper-print say, “Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon must be voted for because of face which have close shave to that of Hon. Abraham Lincoln.” Then I was to blame for them mirthfulness which almost-so cause race-riot in Japanese section.

It has become fashionable in this kingdom, Mr. Editor, for candidates wishing to become President to resemble Hon. Abraham Lincoln so closely as possible to. This is frequently difficult. Hon. Cannon is like Hon. Lincoln to roots of whiskers, but them foliage does not indicate very much about what is going on inside of soul. Difference between Hon. Lincoln and Hon. Cannon is difference between high-thinking and high-tariff. Resemblance of them two great Statesmen is only chin-deep. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, say-how that expressions of Hon. Fairbanks & Hon. Hughes could be changed by trimming to make look-like of Hon. Lincoln. I am alarmed to think. Perhaps-so that famous globe-racer, Hon. Taft, might be also arranged over in some way, but would he not lose considerable solid Japanese vote in doing thus? I am amazed to reply.

Maybe it would be more human-natural for candidates wishing to enjoy election to hire from some costumer following masquerade:

Hon. Cannon disguised as Abraham Lincoln.

Hon. Taft disguised as Bismarck.

Hon. Hughes disguised as Viscount Aoki.

Hon. Cortelyou disguised as John Drew.

Hon. Bryan disguised as Elbert Hubbard.

Hon. Fairbanks disguised as Uriah Keep.

Them costumes might be payed for by Campaign Contributions, but will they? Wall Street regard bribing as sinful during depression of hard times.

Before leaving off from Tokyo for these Uniteds State I was considerably weeped over by my Rev. Grandfather, Japanese of elderly principles who say-so to me, “Togo, you are going to that wild kingdom of America which is very full of savage Christians. Do not go to Indiana because Indians is found there.”

“I am disgusted to think,” I commute. “What shall I do in this America so as not to disgrace my long row of ancestors?”

“Find yourself some Ideal,” corrode Hon. Grandfather. “Make pickout of some famous American what you can live up to them. Select to be like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or E. H. Harriman. Thank you to choose.”

So I leave that dear ancestor to his rice-cake, tea-drunk, hara-kiri and other old-fashion Japanese customs and take Nippon Maru-boat for America. When I arrive to wharf I meet Cousin Nogi and enquire to know.

“Should Japanese Boy imitate performances of Hon. E. H. Harriman in order to become immediately immortal?”

“Too dangerous to do!” indicate this Nogi with American eye-wink. “Hon. Harriman is now being regulated by law.”

“How about Hon. Washington and Hon. Lincoln to copy for famous career?” I magnetize for emotion.

“Hon. Washington could not tell a lie, while Hon. Lincoln was celebrated for gleeful anecdotes. Therefore Lincoln was most ablest man of them two. Also because of early struggly of career he was noble example for all Japanese Schoolboys enjoying poverty for American education.”

Then Cousin Nogi, who is very addicted to paragraphs of Hon. Ida M. Tarbell, tell me following history of early Lincoln:

“When Hon. Abe Lincoln enjoy seven years of oldness,” carouse this Nogi, “he desire to be President of these Uniteds State which was then a republick by government.

“‘How can you manage to be this President and yet work on farm?’ his Rev. Mother enquire to know.

“‘By running odd-jobs before times & book-study afterwards,’ molest this youthful enthusiasm with smiling expression.

“So with immediate quickness he obtain job of employment mowing grass, keeping books and running elevator for neighbouring farmer. He also tilled some soil for people. When not doing this he was studying ‘How to Be President,’ a book by George Washington who was then enjoying pension for oldness.

“In book-studies & job-duties Hon. Lincoln spend 24 hours daily. Balance of time was devoted to recreations, sleep & other idleness of amusement. This continual drudgery of employment teach that Lincoln many useful things,” conduce Nogi at expiration of this history.

“Ah yes!” I collapse, “it teach him to sympathize for them Negroes who was also enjoying slavery.”

I am natural to ask question: Was it good thing to request them Negroes to stop slaving? I have required for reply of several Japanese about this Negro Problemb, but they are unamerous to reply, “We do not know any such coloured acquaintances, thank you!” And they are proud about it. I wrote letter of this Question to Hon. Booker Washington who answered by sending C. O. D. “How I Quit Being One,” a delightful volume full of adjectives. How to know about Negro Question then?

I at last become acquaintance of Hon. J. Fortesque Smith, Negro-coloured gentleman who does mop-work at saloon of Hon. Strunsky who runs it. If all Negroes is like this Smith it must be a talented race. So filled of expression is his performances on Edison phonograph! With such raring pathos do he execute that famous negro melody, “Cheerful Widow Waltz” from them rubber disks! By hour I admire harmonious noise of Hon. Smith and that talented machine—then pretty soonly came around Hon. Strunsky with angry Irish voice to command more purchase of beer or get-out.

At last, Mr. Editor, I go around to grand opera of Williams & Walker, and there continue study of Negro Problemb. I was very intelligent about this until Hon. Johnson collapsed into raggle-time sing-songing entitled “Sus-a-OO, Lu-Lu, I-a want-a you too!” Suddenly I discover my feets performing jiu jitsu with therselves under seat. I rebuke them quietly, but they continue to misbehave until, at finally, they strike dark clergyman in ankle-bone and I am retired from that opera house after considerable race-riot.

O surely, it is wrong for that Africa to teach them diseases to Europe & Asia! And yet that raggle-time coon-singing is a species of chorus which shoots a long distance into my soul. I am very earnest about this dark-coloured harmony which comes with such splandid spasms through the shoes expressing comic emotions as it does so. Could you send me name and address of some talented Hon. Coon who would furnish tune, rimes, jokes, etc., for following poetical thought? For this he will receive ½ of what he gets.

COMIC THOUGHT SUITABLE FOR COON SONG OR SOME OTHER HYMN

On America Maru

And on Nippon Maru

(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki

And back again to here)

Many Japanese is discovered

With top-up eye

And high-brow expression.

“Where are you going, Japanese persons?”

Enquire sea-rooster perching on coop-deck,

“Where are you going with purse-sack

So full of nickels & dimes?

With Sunday go-meeting clothes on

And such satisfied neckties?”

“Oh!”

Respond Japanese in unison

And make giggly mirth.

“Ask us to know!”

They are smiling through ears with Sherlock Holmes expression.

Hark it!

What was that whistling motion of noise?

Was it sea-wind of Pacific?

Was it typhoon of nature?

Or was it Japanese practising together

Tunes from “Mikado”

Of Hons. Gilbert & Sullivan?

Teeth and nose of these ship,

Nippon Maru and America Maru,

Is pointed to Westward.

Japan is still somewhere in that direction

And numerous Japanese is on board this transportation.

Why

Is such quantities of them

On the passenger-table?

Has Japanese immigration

Gone burst

In California?

Has Rev. Mr. Emperor of Japan

Called Reserves back

For some more handsome defeat of Russia?

Or what?

(Expression of kittenish foxes is indulged in

By all Japanese Boys on this ship.)

“Hon. Nippon Maru

And Hon. America Maru,”

Wirelessly telegraf Hon. Uncle Sam from shore,

“Where are you going

Away from here

With such heavy ballast of Japanese?”

“Respectable Uncle,”

Reply them ships,

“We are taking all Japanese

Off of California.

They will go Japan,

They will go Satsuma,

They will settle themselves on Corea

And less disgusting parts of China.”

Pretty soonly

All will be depart from California.

Then who

To general housework, table-wait, manufacture salomon in cannery, fruit-pick, employment bureau and other useful exersises for good of populus?

Pretty soonly all America will calamity together,

“Where is them dear Japanese

Went to?”

And Dai Nippon with far-gone wheeze will distant reply,

“Away from here;

Away from brick-bat

And other educational features.

Japanese has came to America

To learn things.

They has learned them and went.”

On Nippon Maru

And America Maru

(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki

And back again to here),

These imaginery things I speak-so

Perhapsly occur—

Perhapsly not.

In a soon letter of the future I wish to tell you how about one new party of politicks which the Japanese Thinking Society (of which I am a membership) is preparing to begin. This new Party of Politicks, I am hopeful to believe, is more better than Republican and Democratic parties of present. Anyhow, it is not any worser.

All well here with exception of J. Furo who is dead.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—Tell me to know this: Of what State is Hon. Leslie M. Shaw the favourite son of? H. T.

VII
HON. SIMPLE LIFE AMONG AMBASSADORS

San Francisco, February 10th,

To Editor New York Newspaper which tells all Truth for second-class postage.

Dear Mr.—I ask to know. Would it be a possibility for one bright Japanese Boy to get a good salary position of Ambassador to Berlin or some other seaport? My cousin Nogi tell me that Dr. Dave Hill do not care for such a job because wages is too tiny.

“How much is them wages?” I inquire for nervous feeling.

“Sum of $17,500 of annual pay,” mortify this Nogi.

“Japanese Boy would accept this patiently,” I collapse with voice.

“He might got it, but could he?” dictate Nogi, who understands horse-racing & problembs.

I am beswitched.

“You would appear a very cheap diplomat with such a salary,” say Nogi. “Hon. Charleymain Tower, Ambassador from O-hio, spend more annual cash than this for champagne which is necessary in Berlin for kings, dukes, princes, etc., which is accustomed to expect it from American Ambassadors when going through that town. That Hon. Tower are a great spend.”

“Poverty are no disgrace,” I signify with W. J. Bryan expression.

“For Methodist Ministers it are no disgrace,” say Nogi. “But for Foreign Ministers it are considered a crime.”

“I am confused by this,” I depress.

“Imagine that you was Hon. American Ambassador to Berlin,” deploy Nogi.

I do so with ease.

“And imagine I was Hon. Emperor of Germany.”

I do so with difficulty.

“You go to them Germany with $17,500 annual wages which you draw in advance. You look around street for some nice palace where U. S. flag can be represented with dignity. You find such a palace, pretty soonly, over general feed store for rent-sum of $20 per monthly. For sum of $5 you can hire Mrs. Nusbaum in up-floor flat to take down clothes-line so that Hon. U. S. flag can be flew on Monday afternoon. Then you spend $17,000 for champagne and set down on back porch where flies are scarce.”

“Do something happen pretty suddenly?” I ask to know.

“Quite promptly I come along in one golden-coloured automobile, accompanied by Signal Corps, Fire Department, Royal Mounted Mustache Guard, and Second Artillery Band——”

“Who are you, please?” is next question for Japanese Schoolboy.

“I am Hon. Emperor of Germany calling to make a diplomatick relationship with Hon. American Ambassador. I call in them quiet way I mention because I know that Hon. Poverty of American Ambassador would get embarrassed by kingly pompus. I stop royal automobile in front of Nusbaum’s Feed Store.

“‘Are Hon. American Ambassador at home for diplomatick relationship?’ Hon. Emperor holler-up to second story.

“‘He are out back splitting kindling,’ decry Hon. Mrs. Nusbaum. ‘But I will told him that Your Majesty have arrive—wait, please!’

“So she run & whistle down speaking-tube:

“‘Hello! Come up if convenient, Mr. Ambassador. Hon. Emperor are here to see you.’

“So Hon. American Ambassador, with arms full of kindling wood, make sneakstep to kitchen, where he wash hands in sink, then haste to parlour. There he find Hon. Emperor of Germany setting on sofa and looking cross because he have stumbled over baby-buggy in the hall.

“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador. ‘Will you have something to drink?’

“‘No,’ say he. ‘But I will take a cigar.’

“‘I have not got no cigars, Hon. Majesty,’ he say. ‘But I have some delicious chew-tobacco of considerable long cut.’

“Hon. Emperor of Germany, who are a awful polite king, eat some of that tobacco and make faces of enjoyment. Soonly he accept drink of champagne what Mrs. Nusbaum give him in tin cup; then he prepare to take his depart with willing smiles.

“‘Mr. Ambassador,’ he decry, ‘what kind of Embassy do you call this what you got here?’

“‘This,’ say Hon. Ambassador, ‘are what are called “Jeffersonian Simplicity.”’

“‘Are you fond of this kind of simplicity?’ Hon. Emperor inquire to know.

“‘No,’ say-he, ‘but Hon. Jefferson was.’

“‘Hon. Jefferson should try being an Ambassador to Germany if he like it so well,’ say Hon. Emperor, giving royal automobile one complete honk.”

Mr. Editor, question before Congress is this: Can American Republick, at stingy expense, teach Kings, Princes, etc., to expect less spendthrifty display whenever they goes to see American Ambassadors? Maybe so it are possible. Maybe Emperors, when they gets tired of ruling, will become accustomed to saying, “Let’s go over to Charley Tower’s flat and listen to Caruso on the phonograph.” Maybe-so it will soon become a common sight in Berlin to see the Hon. Emperor buying 15c package of Frankfurters for luncheon with Hon. American Ambassador. Maybe—but Japanese Schoolboy are doubtful because he come from a kingdom where habits of Emperors is often observed. And I never seen no kings acting that way.

“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”

Trouble with these U. S., Mr. Editor, is that they is not so awful Progressive like they imagines they are. It is a very nice thing to be noisy, but a shoot-cannon must have something besides powder in it to do considerable damage. America man work pretty swift when let alone; but if he wait for act of Congress he had more better wait for act of God and the Russian Douma. There are just one body of mans in the entire world slower than Hon. Russian Douma, and that are Hon. American Congress.

It take one of them degraded and outworn monarchies of the Old World eighteen months to stick together a first-class war-boat of very excellent trimmings. It take these swift U. S. six years to nail together such a fighter-ship, and after them six years is past American Congress awakes and finds that it doesn’t need no navy nohow.

Hon. Congressman Captain Richard Peachy Hobson arise recently for debate and do considerable gun-fire with eyes.

“By all them sun-kissed hills of native land,” he say with energy, “let us defend it. Japan are a menace. So are China, Sweden, and the Malay Archipelago. If all them dangerous nationalities combined to do us dirt how would they go at it? By fleets? In one week 17,000,000,000 yen would flow into coffers of very yellow peril. In two weeks 78 extreme Dreadnothings would intend to go San Francisco for warfare. In three weeks Japan would be camping in Waldorf-Astoria and Sweden would accept Milwaukee as spoil of war. Therefore I arise up to propose it. I propose it that Hon. Sharp Williams instruct the Democratic minority to build 12 Dreadnothing battleships weekly until election is over.”

(Loud groans from Jo-uncle Cannon.)

Uprise then Hon. Burton. “Mr. Speech,” he-say it, “I uprise to second them bill of Hon. Cap. Congressman Hobson; but with some slight amendments to make it look natural. I propose that them 12 Dreadnothings be reduced to 1 gunboat to be built by Union Iron Works in 1926, in case there ain’t no war before then.”

“But how to defend Hon. America without no ships?” demand Hon. Hobson with voice.

“We are not afraid of all-world Powers,” declaim Hon. Burton. “If Japan, England, Ireland, and Spain come to our shores with latest pattern explosives, then the indomitable spirit of American people shall defend us!”

(Loud applause from Congress which continue ahead with campaign program.)

Such is fate of Hon. Hobson’s hobby. It is certain that Hon. Congress are not afraid of no foreign navy. Hon. Congress is not afraid of nothing when it do not cost them nothing to do so.

It are collapsible sentiment of all intelligent Japanese, Mr. Editor, that Hon. Congress will eventually, or later, build very magnificent Embassies (on model of Pennsylvania State Capitol) in Berlin, Paris, London, Tokyo, Pekin, and wherever it is required by kings and fashionable persons residing there. But before them buildings is done some Bills must be made, revised, torn up and referred to wastebasket in following committees:

1—Committee on Architecture.

2—Committee on Plumbing.

3—Committee on Window Curtains.

4—Committee on Foreign Relations.

5—Committee on Gas and Water.

By the time them bills is passed America will no longer be sneezed at as a Young Nation. And in the mean while Hon. Ambassadors from these U.S. must be subsidized by some Trust or else ride in trolley cars between Hon. Embassy and Hon. German Court.

Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, make following Mother Geese about it:

“The Star Spangley Banner

O long may she soar

O’er the National Arms

On a grocery store!”

Arthur Kickahajama ask for enquiry yesterday time:

“Are this Dr. Dave Hill a diplomat?”

“To look like an Ambassador to Germany on a salary of $17,500 a year he have got to be pretty much of a diplomat,” I answer for reply.

With gun-salutes to Hon. Hobson.

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

VIII
A THIRD TERM FOR OUR EMPEROR

San Francisco, February 23rd.

To postoffice of New York Newspaper to be found there by Editor.

Dear Sir: I will not vote for President this time, thank you, because your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, will not run to get it. Therefore I am neglectful about all other Candidates.

Little Annie Anazuma, eight-years-age, daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, come to me with childish inquisitive.

“Tell me one truth, Uncle Togo,” she deploy. “Is it possible to think that Japanese Boy will some day be President of this respectable kingdom?”

“Hardy so—and yet maybe,” I addict with deceptive expression.

“So happy to think!” negotiate this infant enthusiasm, with fond smiling. “Then how must he go to it to become such a President?”

“He must firstly obtain consent of Hon. Roosevelt, who probably would not give it,” I dictate because I am aware it might be so.

“Are it customary for Presidents to select with voice name of some gentleman what would be less disgusting to him for next King of America?” require this Infant Prodigal, who are too ingrown of brain for enjoy mere doll-play.

“Ah, sure yes!” I explode. “If gentleman what have been in White House 4 years do not know a good President when he see him, who would?”

“When inexperienced gentleman are called by White House to take job he must enjoy great agony trying to study Constitution, boat-building, Tuskagee, & other racing problembs necessary to encumbrance of office,” she say-it.

“That are still customary,” I report.

“Who commence to originate this merciful custom?” demand little Annie.

“Because you are childish I make education for you. Pres. Roosevelt done it.”

“So happy to know!” digest this Japanese child. “He is great Emperor of America—therefore he will last forever.”

“So sorry to reply,” I disgust. “Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will soon stop doing it.”

“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” examine this difficult infant. “Is not Emperors made to last considerable length?”

“In responsible kingdoms, yes-so—but in America, no-so. Here Kings is elected for 4 years to discouridge them.”

“These white-coloured foreigners is too hard answers for children to know,” say little Annie Anazuma running away for play-doll amusement.

I say these lectures to Little Annie with great pleasure to be telling something to somebody what believes it. But then come brain-thoughts which bring enjoyment of fierce pangs. What to do with America when Emperor Roosevelt has took himself from it? I enquire for answer.

I beg you to do it as request, Mr. Editor. Please have your printer put some words on editorial page asking Hon. Roosevelt to continue once more term as Emperor of this Republic. I enclose cash of 50c. to pay for your expense of writing, etc. Thank you so many!

Honest to truth, I am aggregated with anger to have Mr. Emperor Roosevelt dictate, “No thank you, not for three-times running!” Why so does he stop being King just at instant when all-national people is enjoying that American performance? It will be sad for my heart to see some private person occupying public career of Hon. Roosevelt when he gets through sitting on it.

What decry Julius Cæsar about being elected too much for Republican party of Rome? “One good term deserves another,” he command, and Mr. Brutus was pleased to be there with stabbing-knife. But this is different subject from what about it.

Now it is historical knowledge that Pres. Roosevelt is ignorant about fear. What does frighten him, then, about this Third Term business affair? Because Hon. Geo. Washington said not do it? So ridicule for great man to think! Hon. Roosevelt is not afraid of Hon. Washington. Then go ahead, Mr. Roosevelt, please! Continue terming for several more administrations.

Whenever I think of some private gentleman being public President of U. S. I spill tear-drop from sadness. Mere human person like Hon. Taft is large enough to entirely fill throne with himself but he can not fill it with that marvellous activity of Roosevelt.

Hon. Jenny Bryan, so I read by news-prints, has went out for duck-shoot and also hoping to slew some bears. This show how sadly he long for President. But nothing to do! Mr. Jenny is too quiet Democrat for election. He must murder something or make elopement with somebody’s grandmother to get photo in newspaper any more. Then American persons will remember he is alive and nominate him for another defeat.

In what administration was Hon. Bryan President of these Uniteds State? I ask these ignorant question because Hon. Bryan happened before I arrived here.

Time is passed, Mr. Editor, for American gentleman to be President by merely being so. Prince Albert cutaway and sky-scrape eye-brow with patriotic noise from stump are decomposed from modern politics, thank you. Successful candidate for America must not only stand on stump for speech—he must use stump for downside-up gymnasticks employing heels for passionate gestures. If candidate can not do nothing else he must be owner of Trust or some other respectable business.

Whenever I have look-at some American gentleman behaviour strange and queer in publick, then I enjoy suspicion, “That person is expecting for nomination to President!”

Because this. When gentleman require to be notice by Delegates of Convention he must perform something queer in publicity. Sometime he take too much cocktail, sometime too much buttermilk—drink depending on religious training. Then all newspapers go to his doorway and ask for photo, childhood and name of party by which he prefers to be runned. Pretty soonly this candidate is celebrated name in all mouths. After this he may be elected, which is too difficult to think about, thank you!

By last week I seen Yoni Sadekachi, wealthy and influential Japanese greenhouse, enjoying phenomenal cataclyptic spasm of fits on street corner. Large crowd was present including three American reporters. Next morning following headline in all American newspaper:

JAPANESE SPASM OF FITS!!!

HON. YONI SADEKACHI ENJOYS ONE AND
GAINS LARGE MERIT OF JAPANESE
VOTERS PRESENT.
WILL HE BE NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT?
WE ASK TO KNOW

Pretty soonly news-children scream announcement all over this America. Political man see this and report. “Yes, please, this Hon. Yoni will make very happy candidate for Republican party with fusion of Japanese Socialists. It will be pleasant to mention him if everything else fails.”

This is to show, Mr. Editor, how dangerous it is to encourage talented Japanese in this kingdom.

One Japanese poem, please, for your printer to practise on:

SILENCE OF NEXT ADMINISTRATION

Last night I dream this when heliotrope of despair breathe to lily-flower,

When moonlight is there

And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow:

One Angel arrive to my bedstead.

“Good morning,” I report, “what is your name?”

“How do you do,” she say. “My name is Silence.”

“Hon. Silence,” I exclaim, “how did you get into this country?”

“I got in,” she exclaim, “when Hon. Roosevelt got out.”

“Is Hon. Roosevelt got out?” I support.

“O yes,” say Angel, “can not you hear the sound of Silence all over land?

Silence in Congress, in Nursery, in Pulpit, in Wall Street?

Can not you hear it?

You are blind in ears if not!”

“O yes,” I retort, “I hear it, Mr. Angel;

But it is not Perfect Silence.”

“No, not Perfect Silence—

But it is silent enough to be noticed.

Almost Anything

Sounds like Silence

By comparison

Of Hon. Roosevelt.

“Therefore sweet sleep,

Pull down blinds,

Blow out gas—

Good night!”

So speak Angel when heliotrope of despair droop to lily-flower,

When moonlight is there

And crane-bird stand with bill under its elbow.

Therefore, Mr. Editor, I leave it to you. Silence is not best sweetest quality for energetic kingdom like this. Please fix Hon. Roosevelt to stay on chair for remainder of generation. For if he is removed panick of loneliness will assassinate Japanese Boy.

Hoping you will fix it by me,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—I have obtained legitimate job of table-waiting at Fujiyama Restaurant where my mail will get to. H. Sunigawa, Prop., is one very patriotic gentleman who works as Japanese Spy when not employed.

H. T.

IX
HON. MODESTY: IS IT A DISEASE?

San Francisco, March 14th.

To Editor New York Newspaper who is considerable careless about answer to letters of poor Japanese Schoolboy, excuse him for more of.

Dear Sir—Sometime when Hon. Rudyard Kipling write, he begin each paragraf with nice piece of poem. Therefore I must do it like him. Excuse following:

THE SONG OF OUCH

In Tunk by the Tower of Tom

In the Land of the Living Joke

Lived a race of Sadds who were modest lads

And blushed when their names was spoke

They shrieked at the thought of Fame

And shaked like the infant pine,

While they turned all white when they seen the sight

Of an Advertising Sign.

So they lived in the fear of Boast

In the Age that Has Went Behind:

But if any of They still remain to-day

They is certainly Hard to find!

Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald to whom I am now a greenhouse employed by her geraniums at 10c each to relieve them of what bugs they got is very nice-hearted. Her husband is a dead gentleman who took decease by asthma in joints. So she approached to me yesterday with customary tear-drop & 1 pair pants to say:

“These property of past Macdonald I am give to you because they wake bitter memories & are wore out around knees.” Slight sobs from her.

I observe them hon. pants which is very tall garments of dissipated appearance.

“O thank you so many, Hon. Mrs. Madam!” I report with salvo. “I shall took them home & rehearse wearing them.” I back off for respect and get away with them hon. pants.

At Patriots of Japan Boarding & Lodging, where I hope to move from before payment is necessary, I lock myself away with them garment, and try to make it fit. So sorry can’t do! When I clasp it with dignified safety-pin at waist each leg is too far beyond my foots—it give me reverent appearance of kneeling. I try to deceive them pants to look briefer by rolling them upwards. Also I coax them at stummick by fastening belt around shoulders. By this way I am entirely inside of that tailorship which is too plenty.

“‘Would they fit me perhaps?’ I ask for vanity”

Then suddenly Cousin Nogi make in-come to my room, because he is a relative and can do so without knocking. He look quite gast at me.

“You are clothed entirely,” he signify with smart expression.

“Would they fit me perhaps?” I ask for vanity.

“Maybe so they might,” dictate Nogi, “but they are too loose around neck.”

“What to do with such gifts from lady?” I inquire for reply.

“To wear it next to heart,” contuse Nogi with smiling. “If you wear it on publick streetfare crowd will collect to indicate that you are one very famous Japanese. Persons will proclaim: ‘There go them Hon. Pants!’ Maybe you will be escort by police wherever went. It is so easy to become famous.”

“No can do, please!” I prefer.

“No to?” stagger Nogi for disappoint.

“Ah, no!” I relapse. “I should not desire to become famous for pants. Hon. Modesty is a Japanese characteristick.”

“Hon. Modesty is a disease,” corrode that Nogi with scornful snip; so he tell following myth of antique Japan which is a very favourite stories of Grandmothers to illustrate the Hon. Modesty.

In some way-back period of B. C. there reside at Kioto one Emperor by name of Motomatsu who was awful modest about it. When spoke of as Famous he became a very ill person. He was shy about publick banzai. When he depart out from Hon. Palace for auto-ride all loyal subjecks was lined up by pave to decry: “Banzai! Banzai! Such nice Emperor Motomatsu!” They then kneel upon their faces to signify it. But Hon. Motomatsu enjoy angry rage for such publick demonstrictions and decry: “So conspickerous!” while he kick loyal subjecks on skull. Because he was shy.

Pretty soonly he make sneek out of Palace by back door to avoid them noyful mob of shoutings. But one Grocery Boy seen him and observe to inquire: “Why do Kings go out by back doors when should not?” “Hush it!” say Motomatsu. “I am doing it so as not to be too famous.” So when he make pass-on them Grocery Boy go to all populus of Japan and decry: “Hon. Emperor is departing by back door!” Then 1,000,000 of them loyal subjecks assemblance to trademan entrance of Palace & peek to see—and sure of! Hon. Emperor again is saw making sneek-in to Palace. “Permit us to hail!” say peasantry, but Hon. Emperor relapse with peev: “Go hail somewheres else!” And he throw brick-bat to them.

So them Hon. Emperor get worse modest all time. Pretty soonly he borrow rag-clothing from beggerly man and wander forth in them disguise. But Hon. Populus, when they seen him, decry: “O look-see what has arrive! Our dear Emperor are ragged out to be a beggerly man! Is he not conspickerous in such a clothing? Ah, yes!” And they surround him with a program of dances, including exhibitions of jiu jitsu, resolutions of respeck, geisha waltz, speek, fireworks & baloon-races. Pretty soonly Carnegie Commission approach with brass medal of reward. “For what?” say Hon. Emperor. “For extreme shyness in action,” say Hon. Commission. By this Hon. Motomatsu is very disgust, so he cut off them Commission at neck, then he chop 1,000 loyal subjecks with ax and go back Palace.

But when them loyal subjecks pick up their heads what was chopped they say: “Sure is! Mr. Emperor must be modest about publick appearance. Quite well! Then we will cease hailing him, if he is so disagree.”

Next day when Hon. Emperor go off for walk, what! Such vacancy of street! He is queer to feel. He go back Palace with lonesome smile. “Maybe I am dress too silently to be seen,” he-say. So he put on uniform of Field Marshall & walk outside again. Nothing to do. Even little sparrow-birds is absent with banzais. “O mania! Have I quit being famous?” subtract that Motomatsu, losing some flesh for griefs. So by soon-time he make début to street in drum-major uniform recruited by very large brass band. But Hon. Publick is home reminding their own business. This are too much worry for Hon. Emperor who go bed & is attended by appendicitis. Pretty soonly he enjoy death and got a tomb near Kioto. In front of it are following inscription:

“Motomatsu have got his bones here.
He were a Good Advertiser;
But he Worked it too Hard.”

Mr. Editor, Hon. Modesty were a disease very common among Great Mens in antique Japan. In these here day modern insanitary methods of brushing off microbes have got rid of such shy germs pretty good. Yet Great Mens is still in some tiny danger of being bit by it. At White Palace of Washington Dr. Rickey must be in constant attendance with microscope to watch for it. Each President Message must be very careful fumigated—and on some days this are pretty much of a job, thank you.

By each morning-time Hon. President must have corner of eye-glasses, mustache & tooths examined for fearful that some Wyoming constituent might maybe brought in bashful germs that will get into Hon. Policies & spoil everything.

This Surgeon-Gen. Rickey must be a very worried person. Suppose he go cod-fishing some Sunday off & become carelus about them hon. microbes? Ah, fatal! Next morning he go to White Cabinet & discover Hon. President enjoying high temperature of terrible blushes.

“Sec. Loeb,” he are saying, “please turn to Nineteenth Interstate Proclamation, page 1102B, and attack it with blue pencil.”

“Quite good, Mr. Sire,” say them Hon. Loeb. “What to do with them words?”

“Scratch out all pronouns spelled with an ‘I’ and supply ‘American People’ for it,” say Hon. President.

“Will do,” say Hon. Sec. with nervous glance.

“Next substitute considerable changes. Change ‘My Policies’ to ‘Mr. Bryan’s Policies,’ change ‘My Navy’ to ‘Admiral Brownson’s Navy,’ change——”

Dr. Rickey stand at corner of room with horrors springing at knees. “It are my carelus fault—some scarce disease have got in through window!” he whisper to guilty self.

“Next turn attention to library of books,” say that Presidential Invalid. “Change ‘My Works’ to ‘Works of Divine Providence.’ Every time ‘Grizzly Bear’ are mention change it to ‘Grey Squirrel,’ change ‘Must Not’ to ‘Please Don’t,’ change——”

“Stop it, Mr. Sire!” say them Physician with alarms; “if you continue it thus you will have ‘Malefactors’ changed to ‘Benefactors’!”

So White House Hospital Corps are ringed for and Hon. President took by forceful quarantine to Federal Hospital where one porous plaster are put on his Ego to draw it out. While enjoying relapse there he occupy cot formerly layed in by Hons. Albert Beverage, Ben Tillman & other Egos enjoying the same shy germ.

What would become of Hon. Literature, Mr. Editor, if them Literaries was nibbled by Hon. Modesty? What would become of Publishing Business if Hon. Mrs. Eleanor McGlynty, after wroting one book of title, “Three Months,” should spend that period of time blushing over what ensue in it? What would happen to Hon. Jack of London or Hon. Thomas of Boston if they forgot to tell Hon. World how remarkably much they are? Would Hon. World remember their praises if they didn’t? I ask to know.

What would ensue if Hon. Bernard Shaw should took the habit of shrinkage? Might he know how to stop before he had entirely shrunk away until he was very little more than size of Homer, Shakespeare & any other insignificate super-gentleman? I require no answer.

Mr. Editor, if I had died in old-fashion generation of water-power reputation I would have got on my tombstone:

Here Lies Togo,
He was a good man.

But as I live in age of gas-power greatness, I must have on my door-plate:

Here Lives Togo.
He is a great man.
If you don’t believe it,
Step in and he will
Tell you so.

With love to your printer,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

X
SPRING

San Francisco, April 1st.

To Editor of New York newspaper which rains supreme for intelligence of editorial tipewriting.

Dear Sir O! Spring have came!

Where did it arrive from? is question for Japanese Boy.

Do it arrive from Palm Beach of sunny climb, song-sing of nightinglory-bird, hypnotism of tropick mooners where poets is whacking musical liars in the middle of such nice weather? Do it arrive from ore the sea blew along by Rory Bory Alice & other mythology ladies of awfully gauze dressing which travel by zephyr to drop don’t-forget-me bud & other garden seeds on top of happy farmer? Ah no! it do not.

Where do this Spring arrive from then, if not?

By newspaper print I read how it arrive from Paris, thank you!

Flower of Spring do not come to America by them poetical way I said. They are first noticed in New York by Hon. Custom Inspector who give American eye-wink when he see such many trunks of French extraction. He notice they are label “Handle by Care,” so he open them carefully with an axe. From each divided trunk come explosion of rare beaty. Violet-colour roses, rose-colour violets, blue-colour carnations, off-colour daisies, lilies-of-valley in red, white, & blue and sunflowers of 27 delicious varieties of sunset. That sad interior of Custom House, so oftenly accustomed to shady gloom of dark & dingley Tariff, grow suddenly to joyful fire-alarm by them race-riot of colour. All employees of them Custom House forget murdering thought of their cruel hearts and is instantly gentle by sight of such bouquets. They forget to do their duty on sliding scale. Their eyes is overdone for tear drop with sweetheart thought of childhood. Numberous sighs is enjoyed while looking to them flowers, all hats is removed and for one noment of time that Custom House forget to think of Eternal Revenue on cigars, the patness of Jo-uncle Cannon and welcome to America by the Uncivil Service. Such is influence of Nature on savage persons.

Then come Easter and I am not responsible for what happen. Hon. Solomon, who was legally accustomed to 100 wifes, was very suspicious about Spring when it come along from Paris, so he say with voice for all future layers of Husbands, “Consider the lilies how they cost!” When one Christian lady begin to consider the lilies in shop window it is important for Christian Husband to consider something else with absent-minded expression.

In Spring young American mind naturally turn to sport of baseballing. Japanese Boy have found out how-do to get there to place where them National Sport is done. Walk some distance to suburbs of trolley when, all of a suddenly, you will notice a sound. It is a very congregational lynch-law sound of numberous voices doing it all at once. Silence punctuates this. Then more of.

“Why all this yall about, unless of mania?” I require to know from Hon. Police.

“San Francisco is in it and Oakland is outside of it,” say Hon. Police with moustache. “San Francisco have made bat-hit and three gentlemans have arrive home.”

“So happy to welcome travellers!” I decry. “Have them gentlemans been long absent for such publick banzai?”

“All over bean-farm,” say Hon. Police. “They was all on bags,” he say, “and two mans had died on first basso——”

“I shall enjoy mourning for them heroes,” I retort.

“—then Hon. Murphy acquire one base by high finance.”

“‘Why all this yall about, unless of mania?’ I require to know from Hon. Police”

“How-so he possess this base?” is next question for me.

“He steal it,” say Hon. Police with cigar.

I admire talents of that Hon. Murphy who can steal things while all publick make shout of applaud. With practice he would become very delicious Senator.

More loud yall of shouts is heard. I am an enthusiasm. What fierce harakiri of patriotism was going on to make them Americans so loud? Such sound of hates! Port Arthur was took with less noise than that. Therefore I must see about it.

I go to fence where ticket-hole demand 50c of price to see it.

“Why must Japanese Boy pay such price?” I renig.

“Because-so,” say Ticketer, “Baseballing is National Sport. Therefore each patriot must pay them 50c for Campaign Fund to Hon. Cortelyou.”

I admit myself to gate.

In seats around gallery all-American persons is settled in state of very hoarse condition. Downstairs on ground is 10 to 11 Baseballers engaged in doing so. I am scientifick about this Game which is finished by following rules:

One strong-arm gentleman called a Pitch is hired to throw. Another gentleman called a Stop is responsible for whatever that Hon. Pitch throw to him, so he protect himself from wounding by sofa-pillows which he wear on hands. Another gentleman called a Striker stand in front to that Stop and hold up club to fright off that Hon. Pitch from angry rage of throwing things. But it is useless. Hon. Pitch in hand hold one baseball of an unripe condition of hardness. He raise that arm lofty—then twist—O sudden! He shoot them bullet-ball straight to breast of Hon. Stop. Hon. Striker swing club for vain effort. It is a miss & them deathly ball shoot Hon. Stop in gloves. “Struck once!” decry Hon. Umperor, a person which is there to gossip about it in loud voice.

“Why do Hon. Umperor demand Hon. Striker to struck when he have already did so?” I demand to know from one large German intelligence what set next by me.

“He is fanning himself outside,” make that courteous foreigner for reply, so I prefer to understand.

Once more-time that Hon. Pitch prepare to enjoy some deathly agony. He hold that ball outside of twisted forearm, turn ½ beside himself, throw elbows away, give whirling salute of head, caress ankle with calf of leg, then up-air—quickly shoot! Ball journey to Hon. Stop with whizz, but before arriving there Hon. Striker see it with club. There is considerable knock-sound as club collide to ball which stops continuing in that direction and bounds uply to air. Great excitement for all America! All spectacles in grand-stand decry, “O make sliding, Hon. Sir!” and many voices is seriously spoiled as Hon. Striker run with rapid heels from each base to next & all other Baseballers present endeavour to pull down that ball which is still in very high sky. But soonly that ball return down and is bounded into hands of second basso sportsman who shoot it to Hon. Stop just as Hon. Striker is sliding to fourth base by the seat of his stummick.

“Out!” decry Hon. Umperor, so Hon. Striker go set himself on back bench, which is deserving place for all heroes.

So many Strikers is brought up to do them clubbing acts during game that it become a monotony to Japanese Boy in a very soon time. But not-so it was to Americans who was fuller of Indiana yalls. Occasionally that large German intelligence what set next to me would say with voice, “Kill that Umperor!”

“Why should Hon. Umperor be executed?” I require for answer.

“I am not sure why-is,” extort that German. “But it is courteous to demand his death occasionally.”

“Is this Umperor such a sinful citizen?” I make note; but that Hon. German did not response because he was drownding his voice from one bottle of pop-soda for value of 5c.

I wait for very large hour to see death of this Hon. Umperor, but it did not occur as I seen. Too bad! I had very good seat to see from.

Baseballing is healthy game for Americans. It permits them to enjoy sunstroke in middle of patriotick sounds, it teach them a entirely courageous vocabulary and put 10,000,000,000,000 peanuts in circulation by each annual year. Japan must learn to do it. If all Japanese wishing to become heroes should go set in bleachers each afternoon-time it might change them from Yellow Peril to yelling section in short generation.

But warfare is a more agreeable way.

Spring was discovered by Japanese several years before zero. Antique Japanese noblemans, when they seen sweet Irish-flowers blooming and acting fresh was suspicious that maybe it was sign of Spring, but they did not say-so nothing about it, because laws was very just in them date. Hon. Bashu, celebrated for Japanese poetry, say:

“O Spring, Spring,

Thou art such gentle thing!”

Hon. Japanese Emperor read this songsing and call Hon. Bashu to court-house and give him one chop-off by axe. “You are too original for to live,” he say by remark.

Hon. Onion Jo, Japanese ranch-boy of Contra Costa County, recently enjoy one railway accident. His 2 feetprints has been missing since then. So you will please forgive following Japanese sonnet he send me because he is a very weak patience in hospital:

CONVERSATION TALKED BY ONION JO WITH ONE FOOLISH-BIRD ON SPRINGTIME TWIGS

Told me in song-sing, tree-bird of April Foolish,

Why do America Fleet

Travel so low-down in water-tight Ocean?

Why-so

Is all symptoms of armour-belt missing

And why such cargo of weight?

“Twit! Twit!”

Response them animal in voice of Commander Sims,

“Them Pacific Fleet travel deep-down

For very good reason.

Admiral Reuterdahl is in command of it.”

After which remark them tree-bird make humoristick signals.

Told me in music, tree-bird of green ideas,

“Why do Hon. Forker of Ohio

Feel so just about Negro-race?

Are he Senator from Brownsville

That he is dutifully obliged

To make them hurt sounds

When chocolate citizenship is insult?”

“Tut! Tut!”

Abjurgate them thoughtless Fowl,

“Hon. Forker have very scholarly brain-thoughts;

He remind himself of poetry by Mother Geese,

‘Bah, bah, Black Vote,

Have you any pull?’

Hon. Forker is such Dark Horse now

That he enjoy complete eclipse, thank you.”

And them peculiar Chicken make knocking noise with bill.

Told me in harmony, raving Tom-sparrow,

Why did all patriotic persons

Make such elaborate hand-clasp

With red automobile

And other National emblems

When Hon. Eugene Schmitz

Broke jail?

What did he done in jail

To give him such cleanly reputation

In them few months?

“Cluck! Cluck!”

Modulate them demented species of Duck,

“It is surprisingly useless to deposit Hon. Grafters in jail.

Because for reason:

If a person is a great enough Grafter

To go jail,

Then he must be great enough Grafter

To get out.

San Francisco is excited about Local Talent.”

Thus saying it, them April Foolish Bird

Make a noise like Emma Goldman

And flatter away

In direction of Boise City, Idaho.

Hoping you are sufficiently discouraged,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—From daily print I see it how one tame sculptor of Utah have cut out one famous statue called “Monument to Gulls.” This to be stood up in Salt Lake City. Would not such a monument look more sentimental in Wall Street? I require no answer.

H. T.

XI
EDUCATION IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE

San Francisco, April 10th.

To Fashionable Creator of Newspaper Talk.

Dear Mr.—When first time your printer put-in my letter I am so happy I feel very discouraged to write more. “Banzai! I shall make literary career of myself!” This shout from me. Literary writing must be good job for all Americans not fit for honest work. I am understood to be told that Hon. Jack London receive for price from 15c to 20c for each word he make. This is so very easy way it appear deceptive. How should I prosper in such a Graft! At 20c for each word how happy for Japanese Boy! By early morning I should go to fashionable American restaurant and require of Waiter, “Hon. Sir., deliver to me 1 plate ham & 2 eggs, please!” This would be the number of 12 words @ 20c per word—therefore bringing me the price $2.40! Breakfast might cost 75c, Waiter might require 25c to tip himself, yet Waiter must still owe Japanese Boy $1.40, which is balance of $2.40 for them 12 words I said.

Immediately I became great Author in my brain-thoughts. I make running stampede to publick Library and read “12th Night,” by Shakespeare of England and “Friday the 13th” by Lawson of Boston, so as to learn both ends of the American language. I learn considerable extinct vocabulary from both of these gentlemen, then I set down with ink-stand to write 1 letter to you.

It is not equal to human justice, Mr. Editor, that you send me $4.34 in postage stamps as reply payment to this. What to do with these stamps? 217 2c postages require considerable correspondence to get away from. To waste these postages I have wrote following correspondence:

1. To New York Newspaper already 10 letters which you know of.

2. To Uncle Hashimura of Kobe, 6 letters of painful truth.

3. To Miss Alice Furioki, pleasant lady of yellow extraction, 13 letters on sweetheart subjects.

4. To Pres. Roosevelt, King Edward, F. Augustus Heintz & Eugene Schmitz 48 total letters.

These make all together 77 stamps used up. Therefore I have got remaining in my pocket 140 stamps, many of which is ruined by wear. In next payment for my literary letters would you be so regardless as to make reply in nickel-pieces? These moneys is small, but very good for Japanese education. Thanks so many!

If I could get good job somewhere writing novel-books I would learn this American language, which is hard thing to do because so full of words. American gentlemen I have speaked to employ the 2 following kinds of conversation:

1. Kind what is discovered in Dixionary book.

2. Kind what is not there.

In Dixionary of Hon. Noah Webster there contain 26,000 language-words to talk. It took this gentleman lifetime to do so. To speak American language it is necessary to learn them 26,000 natural words, which I have did, thank you. But it is useless to try so hard because Elsewhere-words is commonly used for conversation. Where must Japanese Boy go to obtain such talk?

My cousin Nogi explain this answer. He say that Elsewhere-words of American mans is called “Slank,” which means “talking-with-words-that-is-found-here-and-there.” Dixionary talk is good for church sociables, high-schools, and professors; Slank talk is good for riots, prize-fighting, newspapers, colleges, and all kinds of energy. Both are good ways to know.

Frequently in walking about sidewalk I hear gentlemans cry, “24 for you!” This is signal for great laugh which all do. I can not tell when to, so I do not. What then is so humoristic about this number “24”? Would not number 12 or number 14 do equally fine for laughing purposes? I require to know.

Lemons, too, is comic fruit for Slank-talking persons. Joking-gentlemans deliver these lemon fruit to each other for holiday gift. It is insulting not to laugh when this is done.

To-day I speak to Hon. Mr. Strunsky, Irish gentleman, about Hon. W. J. Bryan, late President of these Uniteds State.

“Where has he fell to?” I require for answer.

“This Bryan man is dead one,” report Hon. Strunsky.

“So sorry—I shall wear mourning for this good man,” I reject.

“Tall timber is place for you,” resume this Strunsky man with laughing eye.

“So sorry not to do,” I say back, “because forest is far distant from great city.”

“Then pursue self around this block, Hon. Togo,” he compel. I do so, thank you. But while exercising I stop with abrupt brain-thought. Them words of Mr. Strunsky was less Dixionary talk than Slank talk! Tell me, Mr. Editor, how should I translate them conversation of Strunsky into Japanese?

It is disadvantage of American language that gentlemen cannot be insulting to each other without some impoliteness. One gentleman meet some other gentleman at saloon-corner. Making step-up to each other one gentleman explain,

“You are a pill!”

Immediately following noises are enjoyed:

1. Night cry.

2. Broken property.

3. Approach of ambulance.

4. Silence.

In Japan, among top-classes, trouble is enjoyed more peaceably. Suppose Count Noku desire to have insult with Baron Obi. They shall meet at lunch, thank you, to talk this. They first disgust their appetites with tea, cigarettes, Japanese ginger-snaps, conversation. Finally at last Count Noku say to Baron Obi,

“Esteemed & high-horse Samurai, would you care to have insult for me?”

“Magnificent Count,” say this Obi, “it is your exalted privilege to insult me.”

“Thank you for the benefit,” say this Noku, “I will do so.” And so saying this he pull one hair from head of that Obi.

“Ouch, thank you, I am insult!” retort Baron Obi. Following this there is quiet hara-kiri with table-knife.

At food-stand of Mr. Swartz I often lunch there for economy. Best nourishment may be obtained for 5c by ordering 3 sausages from Frankfurter Germany with slice of toast.