“Therefore I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot”

Letters of
A Japanese Schoolboy

(“Hashimura Togo”)

BY
WALLACE IRWIN
Author of “The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum,” “Shame of the
Colleges,” “Nautical Lays of a Landsman,” etc.

Illustrated by Rollin Kirby

New York
Doubleday, Page & Company
1909

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION
INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN

COPYRIGHT, 1907, 1908, BY P. F. COLLIER & SON

COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
PUBLISHED, FEBRUARY, 1909

“Sometimes I sit and wonder in my artless Japanese way”—The Mikado

CONTENTS

CHARACTERS CAST UP BY THIS BOOK

Hashimura Togo—35-year aged Japanese Schoolboy.

Cousin Nogi—educated in horseracing & relidgeon.

Arthur Kickahajama—missionary boy.

Hon. Strunsky—Irish salooner.

Uncle Nichi—Japanese strawseed who come to America to be less so.

Mrs. Lusy Macdonald—complete angel of 286 pounds beauty.

Little Annie Anazuma—of kindergarten intelligence.

I. Anazuma—Japanese shave-proprietor.

J. Furo—who is dead.

G. W. McCann—prominent drunk.

Sydney Katsu, Jr.—who go Harvard study mollycuddling.

Miss Alice Furioki—wife to Cousin Nogi.

Miss Evelyn Suki—dear friend & more even.

Frank the Japanned Bootpolish.

S. Wanda—Japanese Socialist.

Whang So—China boy of sinful profile.

H. Sunigawa—Talented Japanese Spy.

Unknown Japanese—who call himself “Charley Smith” to get job in a bank.

Sorted persons, doctors & druggers, Bunkio Saguchi, riots, baseballers, frequent wise Professors, Hon. Niggers, delegates who walk for the unions, editors, Napoleon Bonyparte & his Brother Charley, Hon. Police & other famous Americans to include my dog O-Fido.

ILLUSTRATIONS

Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy

I
OUR NOBLE ALLIES

San Francisco, November 4th.

To Esteemed Excellency the Editor of what is much widely read New York newspaper.

Dear Sir—I am a Japanese Schoolboy age 35 years & I come to this Free Country for some following reason:

1. To save up money for old age.

2. To learn so much I can.

3. To wait on table 14 hours Daily at Boarding house of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady.

I am not doing so to-day as I am Confined in hospital enjoying much pain from brick-bat wound sent to me by one American Patriot. Also I am not attending school for some time.

If your Highness will permit such correspondence I will ask some Question which I will answer myself so as to save too much trouble for your valuable time. Thank you.

Some frequent Professors are asking the question now: Will White Man and Yellow Man ever mix? I answer Yes because I have knowledge of the affair. They mix once in San Francisco, they mix once in Vancouver. But such mixing is not good-healthy for the human race because it make broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia and many other disagreeable noises. Japanese gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman with gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know.

I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman because my Teacher tell me America and Japan are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. Marquis Wm. Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We are Noble Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall not be Noble Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” Tokyo is so happy that Rising Sun make tear-drop falling on star-stripe banner. Banzai!

Excuse bad penmanship as Right Hand was wounded by brick-bat from one Noble Ally name Casey. Bottles was also used on head which were unfortunate.

So happy Japanese! Japan has most Noble Allies than any other country. France, England, these dear Uniteds State, Germany, Australia, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal are all to fight in our behaviour. Also Corea. The most strongest of our Allies must, therefore, be England who gives day-and-night thought to making all Japanese comfortable. London newspaper weep for shame when San Francisco labour man drop building material on head of Japanese gentleman. London newspapers arrange their editorial full with considerable pity. Yes, please. England man loves Japanese man with much distinction because both are brothers by germ, are they not? Also affinities.

My cousin Nogi become recently absentee from San Francisco because he might reside away from the brick-bats. He went to inhabit in British Columbia at Vancouver to work in the Kakemono Barber Shop under the so glorious British banner. This is protection for all weak persons. I am therefore much more ill in my sick hand when I read this telegraph from my cousin Nogi.

To Hashimura Togo, San Francisco:

Welcome to Canada by Noble Allies. Three killed, seven wounded. All well. Please send shot gun.

Nogi.

I think so continuously concerning my cousin enjoying trouble from that cordial Great Britain that I am about to make hara-kiri by swallowing bottle of hospital-medicine; but I relieve my death more easily by making the following poetical thought which I mailed to the King of England who lives in London:

ADDRESS TO MR. EDWARD, EMPEROR OF THE BRITISH, WHO LIVES IN LONDON

America man he strike for pay,

Japanese work for a dollar a day.

We like all much work can do—

You like Jap boy work for you?

Yes, sir, thank you, I come now:

Plenty more Jap boy soon learn how.

O so sorry no can stay—

Yes, please, come again soon—good day!

London paper say, “Jap nice,

Fight much, think much, eat much rice.”

England love us, so we heard—

What for Canada say bad word?

Yes, sir, thank you, one good graft;

Little Brown Brother, Big Bill Taft.

O so happy come round quick—

What for Canada throw Big Stick?

We sweep kitchen, scrub out pan,

Learn speak English soon we can.

We be good boy, so polite,

Trot all daytime, think all night.

Yes, sir, thank you, too much fuss.

We like Canada—you like us?

O so sorry must go way—

Yes, please—come again soon some day!

I am still awaiting Answer to this poetical thought which must be there somewhere in English postoffice soon.

Why do Japanese Boy come to this country is requested for reply from almost every white mind of prominence. I will answer with several reason from my own vocabulary:

1. To learn religion, Bookkeeping & Stenography.

2. To cement that Friendship of nations and keep grocery store.

3. To attend horse-racing contests.

4. To learn American Manners

5. To study Customs, Murders, Art, Science, & Humoristic Literature from sunday papers.

6. To go back to Japan.

Perhaps you read in newspaper sometime rather recently about a warfare which we enjoyed with our Honourable Ally Russia which we cause to love us with a bayonet. Your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, then taught us how the peace may be manufactured and we have done so ever since. If you did not read of this in papers I will send you clippings from the Shimbun of Tokyo. We are sending the glad hand of fellowship around to all white persons, but I can not do so this week because the brick-bat wound I said to you about is in my right wrist.

Before enjoying that painful collision I spoke something with Hon. Strunsky, the Delegate who Walks for the Unions. Some of my countrymen has seen Hon. Strunsky Walk, but he has been Setting down on them occasions seen by me. I went there with ceremony before Mr. Strunsky at his saloon, because he is Irish and makes angry sudden.

“Please,” I enquiry, “let Japanese Boy to plumbing union. I am able to plumb with intelligence.”

“You make me tired,” he retorted back.

“Esteemed sir, if you are exhausting yourself with fatigue let Japanese Boy have your job. My cousin is ambitious for such a situation.”

“Beat it!” response Hon. Strunsky.

I could not assimulate that word he said it.

“What should he beat?” was question for me.

“You beat yourself around block—skiddoo!” explained honourable Delegate gentleman.

When he was explaining these things in war-cry voice so all could understand Mr. Carbonetti, an American gentleman, struck me on the wrist with a small piece of House which was not then built. I spoke “Banzai!” and Mr. I. Rogo, proprietor of the Rising Sun Coffee House, came with leaps and make jiu jitsu upon Mr. Carbonetti while O. Takura, my cousin’s grandfather, stopped Mr. Strunsky’s speeches with some kindling-wood. Soon there was rain of brick-bats from sky and Japanese Boys present much regretted they did not wear any umbrella.

That is some ways it happened.

Was it then wise for the Delegate who Walks for the Unions to say so? For was he not often remarking there was no place for Japanese gentleman in the American business? He does not know the statistick like the Japanese statesman may tell him. What does Ichipanorama, Walt Whitman of Fuji, say so?

The Visible Universe was never so full of men, Monkeys, Furniture, Noise, Literature, Diseases,

That there was not a Place somewhere, either in the hall bedroom, or in the kitchen, or in the cellar under the kitchen,

Or in the ice-box under the stairs

For the Good,

the Beautiful

and the True.

Gotama Buddha, or the Janitor, or Somebody else makes room for the Humble Deserving

And even a Parrot

May be allowed in the Apartment House.

Does a Rich Man refuse to take gold because it is yellow?

Does a Cook refuse to boil potatoes because they are brown?

Does a Car Conductor refuse to take on another Passenger because of race, colour or previous condition of servitude?

He does not, neither do they.

Man leapeth from land to land even as the flea from dog to dog.

It is so enrolled upon tablets of porcelain and ivory.

This is not exactly how Ichipanorama says how, but something like so. America has room for all. The Irish gentleman to hold the great public offices, the Jewish gentleman to attend to the drama and the clothing store, the Italian gentleman to be the merchants with the fruit, the German gentleman to attend to the large sausage interests of the country. The Japanese gentleman, then, what does he require in this so great commonwealth? Sometimes something, sometimes something different. To nail the shoe, to write the books, to work in the gymnasium, to run the banks, to peel potatoes, to govern the states. Anywhere you require his usefulness he will be so happy to be there.

Hoping your Highness understands plainly to know how I think these things here, and love to all.

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

II
THE HONOURABLE WAR CLOUD

San Francisco, November 16th.

To Editor of New York newspaper, enlightened printer who manufacture Truth for all thoughtful Person.

Dear Sir—I so happy, thank you, esteemed Mr., for you listen to how I say so in my last letter. Therefore I am much obliged to you for several more intelligent Question which I will ask you what is.

During my residence in Hospital to enjoy brick-bat wound sent there by Labouring Union, I give some large quantities of thought-attention to future life. What business would be swiftest for making success of it? Waiting on table-board of Mrs. O’Brien, honourable lady, is repulsive to proud Japanese Boy any more do. Which would be better for me: To learn to be Christian Missionary or to study for bookkeeping and stenography? Both ways lead to good jobs.

My cousin Nogi, who return from British Columbia leaving front teeth with English friends there, say, “Missionary jobs are no longer needed for Japan, because our dear country already have rapid-fire fleet and stand-up army sufficient to make all Japanese Christians.”

“What date is arrange for this Japan-America war to be shot off?” I ask for answer.

“Not yet but when!” response this Nogi making eyewink, American salute.

“In such a warfare which kingdom would beat it?” is next question for me.

“Frequently one and then some,” collapse Nogi, who think as I do.

Therefore I still ask to know. Hon. Mr. Sir, could you so courteously remind Japanese Boy of exact date for such warfare? If there is any announcement in your press of this battle would you send me clipping, address Hospital? Such an answer would be delightful to know for all-coloured races. Political man, labour-union man, newspaper-press all have brain-ache questioning, When. You will permit me, please, to speak how I think so?

Japan-America war is impossible to happen! Banzai! All should be so happy in Hon. Carnegie talking-library at Hague. Philippine Island must be taken by Japan on mortgage or some other peaceable conquest. Perhaps American Congress will consider this nice birthday present to Emperor of Japan.

How I make this knowledge? Because so. Japan could never secure these United States entirely for Japanese Government. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, tell me how Mr. Kuroki might not capture New York from such great distance of San Francisco. And what must Japan do with New York when captured? That is hard question for Japanese Boy.

While residing in Hospital bed my cousin Nogi come to me bringing donation of banana-fruit for lunching. These fruit come as package enwrapped in American newspaper-press. I am thankful for lunch, but more so thankful for reading-news on enwrapping. The information tell me nervously that fleet of ships commanded by Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will go around to the Pacific ocean by the Cape of Horn, avoiding Panama canal which is less done. Must Japan shoot American ship for going to Pacific ocean? This is question for editor. I answer, No, please! Pacific ocean still have too much water for Japan to cover with torpedo boats. Thank you, America fleet may call at San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle without angry rage from Tokyo government which is busy civilizing Corea. Hon. Mr. Roosevelt is welcome to travel.

Howeverly is, some sinful thoughts come to Japanese Boy. Is not some excitement interesting to all-coloured races? It would be fine engagement for Japan-America navies to come together sometime for slight shooting-scrape, because both have enjoyed very pleasant target-practice. America navy recently use boat of Hon. Adm. Cervera for excellent bull’s eye. Japanese navy practice, still more recently, on fleet of Hon. Mr. Rodjestvensky in which practice Japan gunners score 97 out of possible 100 hits. Yet it are not good-healthy for 2 such equal navies to meet in angry rage, because they might be bursted by following brutal diagram:

Mr. Editor I am Samurai, like all other Japanese Boys. When sick hand is well I am good for all fights. My friend, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, is exceptional to this rule saying man-strangling and dynamite explosion to be bad for human race. He teach meek-eye as best disease for strong-arm. He come to Hospital and hold my sick hand to say,

“Togo, when union labour drop brick-bat upon Japanese Boy, what then?”

“Hara-kiri!” I explain. “Japanese Boy deliver jiu jitsu upon eye of Mr. Casey.”

“So heathen thought!” devote Arthur. “When brick-bat smite left cheek, right cheek is then presentable for more.”

To such talk I am only able to speak of rats. Arthur forgive such politeness and read me poetical thought, because sickness prevent escape:

ADDRESS TO PEACE DOVE WHAT RESIDE IN HATS OF ALL EMPERORS

Tell us to know, feeble sparrow-bird of quiet politics,

Why is?

Yes, you are equally white as snow, and yet snow frequently catches it from gunpowder.

What has occurred to your appearance?

What has become of thy tail-feathers, wing-feathers, pin-feathers?

Where is the hair upon thy back and also

Where has thy left eye went?

Tell us to know, gentle chickadee of disarmed nations,

Why is thy matinee music-song

So heartlus and without feet?

Like the melody of hand-saws playing upon rusty nail, like a leak in a bagpipe or like

A widowed ostrich pining alone with bronchitis of the throat!

Hast thou a message for the world to know?

Tell me, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary!

If so,

Tell us to know, gentle harbinger of harbour-defences,

Tell us——

But Peace Dove, butting inwards upon poetical address

Of Arthur Kickahajama, missionary,

Makes peeking expression toward Holland with that one remaining eyeball,

Makes pointing gesture toward Washington with the stump of bit-off leg.

And response back to the Japanese poet as follows: “Croak!

“I will tell you to know, Arthur Kickahajama:

I have been delivered to Nations

Bearing label HANDLE WITHOUT CARE!

How can Pidgeon sail tranquil on smooth tail-feathers

When Great Peacemakers

Distribute him here and there shot-out-of-a-gun?

When, to go places, he is clubbed with swords, jabbed by sceptres, batted by big sticks?

Is there no Society of Prevention for This?

“And yet I am here, Peace has arrived—

But of what use to mankind delivered in such a shopworn condition?

Thank you for plaster-casts, thank you for limb-bandages, eye-wash, salve,

Thank you for arnica-poultice, Brother Missionary!

Peace be with you—

Croak!”

Mr. Editor, your honourable country enjoys many bad traits which are loathsome to Japanese. You are disagreeable to old age, you neglect to worship the holy relic. In the American household you worship the recent Baby with doctors, nurses, chloroform, etc., and at the tooth-cut of same all have spasms by joy. But when Grandparent injures the appendicitis he must enjoy it quietly in hospital with stationary to make will.

In boarding house of Mrs. O’Brien there is one young lady which all other eaters at the table-board call “Grandma” because of her immense age. All young gentlemen there talk humoristical anecdote, smile, eat candy with young ladies of more recent birth. While youthly ladies are doing this Miss Grandma set lonesome by lamplight reading Mrs. Humply Ward book.

I have often noticed these when seated in kitchen studying American grammar. “Why should not Young Lady be object of pious regard because of great age?” I frequently enquire for answer.

One evening I put on frockaway coat and make call to Miss Grandma.

“Hon. young lady,” I refer, “yes, ma’am, excuse me, sir! Would you tell one questioning to Japanese Boy?”

“Surely, Mister Togo,” she response. “Whatever is?”

“Oftenly” I relate, “I am attractive to your honourable notice setting lonesome under lamplight. May I call sometime for lonesome company?”

“You are kind gentleman, Mister Togo,” she beseech. “Yes, you can come often for lonesome call.”

“Thank you, sir,” I say, “you are regardless. I come so often kitchen duties prevent it.”

She give me smiling expression peculiar to American lady of any oldness.

“Tell me this answer,” she inquisitive softly. “What qualities in myself make you such admiration?”

“I admire you because of Japanese,” I response. “For in Japan we are taught to reverence the Old Age.”

She throw Humply Ward book to me, then strike me with lamp-light. Fire extinguished by means of Persian rug I retire to kitchen to make my soul enquire about things.

Hoping your Highness may place this thoughts on printing-press without danger, and love to family and friends.

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—I am taking lessons in harmonica playing of which Hospital nurse Flynn is Prof. He teach me national hymn of Hon. Geo. M. Cohen entitled “The Rag Which We Revere.” Your Constitution must feel very nervous following that Cohen Flag!

H. T.

III
THE YELLOW PERIL

San Francisco, November 22d.

To New York newspaper management and such as are doing it there.

Dear Printer—I am enjoying great poverty from employment which is missing this week, thank you.

This conversation for you to listen:

“Mr. Togo, goodbye, and be prompt in doing so!” That spoken with screeches by Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady.

“Sweet-hearted Mrs. Madam,” I resume to her, “why you neglect to allow Japanese Boy any more wait on table-board at your establishment?”

“Because this,” she demand, “lazy stupor of brain unfit Japanese Boy for such jobs. During three weeks of time you remain in hospital to enjoy pain. You think of book study more than delivering soup to my table-eaters. Some others must carry coffee-dish for this employment. Therefore exit from these house!”

“Thank you to know, Hon. Mrs.,” I report, “what person shall obtain job when I have went from here?”

“One China boy I have got him more intelligent as you for half price to do it,” she refer.

I see plain truth to this. Looking to kitchen I observe Whang So, one China boy of sinful profile. I make race-riot inside of me, but peace-treaty outside.

“Honourable Mrs. O’Brien,” I say with smiling expression, “good day, so sorry, thank you so much!” Then I make quick-step to sidewalk and trot-step to establishment of Jigo Furo, Japanese hardware.

“Thank you for something durable to handle,” I say to this Jigo Furo.

“This stove-poker is recommended for all use,” he response. It surely was truthful. I take it away for call on Mr. Whang So, China boy of sinful profile. He come to door of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien when asked for.

“Whang So, Chinese puppy-cat, wherefore you have national characteristics of one potato?” I relapse.

“You go way, no good!” he reserve with impolite expression of Oriental.

For reply I throw stove-poker to neck of Whang So, give him jiu jitsu to porch and tie him with abominable pig-tail to door knob of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien where he may be found. This things I done to Whang So as race-riot to Chinese persons which is no good for America by following statistick:

1. They perform cleanly-washing infrequently.

2. They are back-hand in religion, reform, bookkeeping and stenography.

3. They teach poker game to Japanese Boy.

4. They are a Yellow Peril.

I have given some brain-study to this Yellow Peril to make sure it is a bad blessing for these Uniteds State. It is. But should we Americans of all-colour enjoy fear of such? Answer is, No! Coreans, Chinese, & Hindus is Yellow Peril. All Japanese can defeat these easily with club-stick. We have been there to try it. If white Caucasian fear such a Peril Japanese will promise to chase it away for small wage-pay. It will be amusement for Japanese Boy who know how.

All persons should be kept out of this kingdom who can not show good-coloured complexions at ship-dock. Torpedo-fleet, battle-boat, dynamite & congress should be shot off to prevent landing of such trash like Mr. Whang So and other Chinese of yellow birth. Coreans, Siamese, & Hindus must also be prevented from escaping into this country. Christian ships must take these complexions back to original islands where they belongs. This is best good for all human races.

Many negro persons of Southern States is also Yellow Peril, but these can not enjoy exclusion, because there is no place to exclude them to.

But Japanese gentleman, please, must not be written down for this list. Derby hat, American pant, Tuxedo overcoat, have rendered him completely white of complexion and able to vote for President when asked to know how. Please do not include him in Yellow Peril, because he will not be there. He is doing things by each day that makes folks white. Let Japanese help to do push-out to all-coloured Yellow Perils coming to this country together with others patriots of star-stripe banner Yankee-doodle dandy, banzai!

I will speak to you of two Yellow Perils which I know of my knowledge.

I am acquaintance of one Corean gentleman name of Whee who reside in cellar of this city. He do not change his clothing which is economical. He sleep in soap-box, but the soap is missing. To approach Mr. Whee with hygiene is too dangerous for good healthy. Labouring Union do not fear this Corean gentleman, because he shall never take no work from nobody. When not hitting pipe-smoke this Whee man is dreaming of ancestors. He will also be one soon. When I observe such Corean patriot approaching to me I choose next street, thank you. This man is Yellow Peril of bright colour.

In one more cellar, close to where this Corean citizen reside, there sleep one Polish gentleman name of Gumowsky. This Gumowsky man is notable for forgetfulness in washing. Two times each year he is removed by health Board, but this is of no use for Mr. Gumowsky who make financial income collecting second-handed cigarettes. When he obtain sufficient whiskey-drunk there is warcry from his downstairs residence and whichever furniture he can discover to break is throwed on street to strike by-passing pedestrians. Mr. Gumowsky is not good gentleman to inhabit this American country. He is a Yellow Peril of dark colour, because soiled.

Which is more better citizen, thank you—Mr. Whee of opium smoking and Gumowsky of whiskey-drunking or Japanese Boy of derby hat, frockaway coat and all other white manners of civilizedation?

On evening time of last Thursday night Japanese branch of Chinese Exclusion League meet for church social at Asiatic M. E. Church where good time were enjoyed there. My cousin Nogi took as escort Miss Mabel Sanjijo who he are engaged to marry when divorced. I delivered to this gaiety Miss Alice Furioki pleasant young lady of yellow extraction. All Japanese Boys was present with other national ladies. Rev. Hon. Chillworthy, American missionary, make all happy by coming late.

Japanese Boy Male Quartette open excitement by songing, “I love you the same long years ago when first I meet you on the village green.” Songing listened at with patience by all. Japanese solo was next performed on phonograf. Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, do card-trick for excitement of amusement. Then we enjoy “post-office” game to practise kissing, American salute. When this was subsided I made so nervous as to read following poetickal thought:

ADDRESS TO CONGRESS ABOUT STOP-OFF OF YELLOW PERIL

Make it hard for Chinese to come in, please,

Make it nice and easy for stay out.

Punish naughty China for that sin, please,

Show what for you mean such things about.

Chop chop head of Chinese immigration.

Bang-up foolish pigtail cooley-man,

Keep such Yellow Peril from your nation.

(That give room for persons from Japan.)

Swift-kick China off your map,

Shake-shake smile for glad-hand Jap!

Ship the negro person to some island—

That will solve one problem pretty quick.

Make the Injuns live upon a highland

Scared for to come down by that Big Stick.

Shoot the no-good Russian off this nation,

Send the black-hand Dago back to Rome;

Clean this land of foreign immigration—

Then the Japanese Boy feel at home.

Shoot the Yellow Peril—boom!—

Then the Jap Boy have more room.

After this rhythm Rev. Hon. Mr. Chillworthy nearly made talk-speech. He was just saying it about “Higher Life for Japanese Boy” when something happen which was too bad. Whang So, China boy, enter with two cousins, Whang Get and Whang Gee. There was up-jump for all. Banzais could be seen everywhere as chandeliers, etc., flew to heads of China boys while those nationality was departing through windows. After these Chinese Exclusion act was performed this church sociable busted up with prayers and ice cream.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—Mr. Editor, would you put following wedding notice in paper of yours?

“Mr. Hashimura Togo of Kobe, Japan, will be marriaged to Miss Alice Furioki of Tokyo, same place, ceremony to be had at Asiatic M. E. Church, S. F. This excitement will take place when job is found for Japanese Boy which is not now doing so.”

H. T.

IV
LADY SUFFERGETTES AND HOW THEY DO IT

San Francisco, December 12th.

Editor New York newspaper who enjoys great delight while reading all poetry & story writings which he send back to Author with smiling excuses:

Dearest Sir—What say that great poeter, Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about ladies? He say as follows:

“O ladies, during idle moments

Inclined to make coyness with giggly expression,

Yet when sick-sorrow time of brain-ache come along

You are very skilful about being an Angel!”

Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice Furioki I got good chance to study them Ladies.

Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by sex. This is a very universal custom. Therefore, since original date of Eve & Adam ladies of female gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and downtroddery all time. Ladykind has been slave of gentlemankind from 1 o’clock of history to present date; they has been personal dry-goods of them tyrants of male descent without no privileges except following:

1. To tell husband what-time to get up by morning.

2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier by evenings?

3. To require, “What drunk are you carrying on breath?”

4. To save wages for him by spending it.

5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating of brain.

6. To select more fashionable friends for him.

7. To explain to him when he is foolish in business.

8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, etc., for which he must vote it.

After doing them slavery for such numberous 1000s of year, all human ladies is suddenly enjoying angry rage about them downtroddery. They wish to do some poll-voting for therselves, because husbands is frequently forgetful about how to do it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be President.

So considerable Suffergetting is being did by ladies who learn to do it.

Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat from London where it is always spoken with a English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of 35 years time can learn to Suffergette if she is quiet about it and listen to speaker while she is being arrested. This is how to do it most often: