Scene: Same as Act I, later that day.
Albert (alone) A secret confided—said an excellent man who's name and country, I am ignorant of—is the thing which ought to be most carefully watched— and in these times, the most difficult to protect. Now, while I don't wish to argue with this facile philosopher, guarding a young girl is much more difficult. I made the locksmith enter through the garden—he must be promptly employed in my plan. I intend to make Arabella and Jenny go out—from fear this would move their hearts and overwhelm them. I've got to call them, so that the workman can act at leisure. When I've satisfied my prudence in this matter—they will have to resolve to be patient. Hola! Someone! Come under these thick trees and take the air with me for several minutes.
(Enter Jenny and Arabella.)
Jenny Here's unseasonable fruit. What favorable demon causes you to greet her so softly and your humor to be so tractable? By your astonishing command, we can go out today for the first time in six months.
Albert We have to change places sometimes. Sometimes, in life, the most charming resort bores us.
Arabella
If I'm with you, regardless of the climate, the air will be no softer
or better for me. I don't know why, but now I sigh when I am near you;
I cannot breathe.
Albert My heart swoons with pleasure at such talk. You need a husband to calm these sighs.
Arabella Girls dissimulate often enough, and pretend to scruples at the name of a husband, masking their true desires, often saying they love no one except the convent. As for me, the power of truth presses me and I can find in it neither crime nor weakness. I have a sincere heart, and I tell you, without pretence, that I want to be married, and sooner than later.
Jenny Well said. What's the use, in the spring of youth, to wish to escape the yoke of marriage, and to leave the number of the living? There were husbands long before convents, and I hold the role of spouse is the most ancient, and the most currently fashionable and used—and the most to be followed in all methods. That's what I say!
Albert You both speak in the same spirit—and my views conform to yours. I intend to marry. Rich as I am—they're always proposing a suitable and advantageous match for me—but I always reply that another love holds me, and that my heart prepossessed by your rare beauty sighs for you alone, and that on your side, you adore only me.
Arabella
How's that?
Albert
Yes, sweety, I have declared the love which possesses me for you.
Arabella
What did you say, if you please?
Albert That, at the bottom of your heart, you nourish a sincere passion for me.
Arabella
Where's your discretion, truly?
Albert
Beautiful Arabella, one cannot be happy and remain silent.
Arabella
You ought not to make such an avowal, and so loud.
Albert
And why not, my child?
Arabella (waspishly)
Because nothing is more false, and one cannot lie with more impudence.
Albert
Then, you don't love me?
Arabella (sweetly)
No, but in recompense, I hate you unto death.
Albert (surprised)
For what?
Arabella Who knows why? One loves without reason, and without reason, one hates.
Jenny
If the admission is not tender, at least it is sincere.
Albert
After what I have done, basilisk, to please you!
Jenny Don't get carried away! Observe tranquilly if love has made you a charming object. Your features are worn away—hers are loveable and fresh. She has a well made wit and you a crabbed temper. She's not sixteen, and you are very old. She bears herself well, and you walk with a cane. She has all her teeth, which makes her pretty, and you have only one. Still, she excites you—and you ought to be carried off at the first cough to whatever misfortune down there would please you.
Albert I've taken useless trouble to please her. I will therefore merit her hate, by God. And to secure her dangerous charms, I am going to lead her to a place far from fops, where by her arrogance, she will have leisure to be penitent. Come quickly, let's go.
Arabella
Where are you going?
Albert
You will know soon enough. March on—no talking. (perceiving Worthy,
who has just entered) What an irritating turn of events at this time.
To the devil with him and his stupid face.
(Worthy, who was entering like someone out for a stroll, sees Albert and greets him. Scratch enters behind Worthy.)
Albert
Sir, do you wish something from me?
Jenny (low, to Arabella)
It's Worthy.
Arabella (low)
Peace! I see him more clearly than you.
(Worthy continues to bow to Albert.)
Albert Sir, what's the use of these fine manners? Speak, I am tired of bowing and scraping.
Worthy A stranger in these parts, and pleased to see you. In paying you my respects, I fulfill my duty. My coach is broken down near your mansion, and after having done my best to repair it, I came to breathe the delicious air—attracted by the—freshness.
Albert You deceive yourself, sir. The air around here is decidedly bad for your health. I owe it to myself to tell you that you will become very ill if you stay here for a long time. It is dangerous and mortal to wayfarers.
Arabella Alas, nothing is more true. Since I've breathed this air, I languish night and day in a cruel martyrdom.
Scratch Just give me the same wine as our innkeeper broke open today, and I will stand my ground defying fever, apoplexy, and a hundred years of age to the end of my life.
Worthy (to Arabella) It's hard to believe that with so much beauty, and such air, that you're not healthy.
Albert
Whether she looks well or ill, find another place to take the air.
Worthy This object—that heaven has taken care in making—this view where my eye is pleased to rest, enchants my sight—and never has nature displayed her attentions with so much finery. My heart is in love with what it sees here.
Albert Yes, the country is beautiful. Everybody says so, but you'll spend the end of your day better elsewhere. By now, your coach must be fixed. There's no need for your presence here. Leave, you ought to be gone already.
Worthy
I will leave momentarily. Tell me, I beg you—
Albert Since you chatter so emotionally, I am going to listen to you attentively. (to Jenny and Arabella) Go in, go in.
Jenny
Sir—
Albert
Eh! Go in, I tell you.
Worthy I'd rather retire than be the cause of Madame suffering the least inconvenience on my account.
Arabella No, sir, stay till tomorrow. Postpone going on your way, and we will put you in good company. The roads are unlucky and filthy.
Albert
So much ceremony! Come, quickly—go in.
Jenny Yes, yes, I'm going in. But, before these gentlemen, I tell you plainly to stop the humiliations you impose on us. We haven't seen even the shadow of a hat for six months in this new fangled cloister. Any man who comes around here is interdicted. Everything in this house is subject to inspection. Sometimes we think the world has come to an end. No one comes her except they be of the female sex. Judge if a girl in this situation has cause to complain.
Albert (putting his hand over her mouth and forcing her inside)
Ah, I will tear out your viper's tongue.
(Exit Jenny and Arabella.)
Albert (aside) I don't want to go back in so soon. Their complaints and their tears might move me, perhaps. (aloud) What's the problem? Speak! But, above all, be brief.
Worthy I am truly annoyed that, on account of me, your daughter has received such unworthy treatment.
Albert
What do you mean, my daughter?
Worthy
Is she your wife then?
Albert
She soon will be.
Worthy My soul is ravished. You couldn't form a better plan. And you do well to get that viper in hand. All husbands ought to do as you do. Women today are such coquettes.
Albert
I intend to rule the roost, and not follow the manners of these times.
Scratch Oh, may you do better! I am so crazy about women and I am delighted when good souls make use of a little authority from time to time.
Albert (aside)
This boy pleases me; he speaks sensibly.
Worthy As for me, I see nothing blamable. For a man, without ever being bothered by suspicions, to be lulled by the promise of a woman, to count tranquilly on her frail virtue—believing that God has made a woman faithful—for him alone—is to be a fool. It's necessary to be watchful at all times. When she scolds, cry louder still—and despite all the precautions which love causes a man to take—the more refined he is—the bigger the dupe.
Albert We are a little devious about these matters—which could easily trap me. Each day I invent some crafty way of defeating their trickery and finesse. My word, you'd be wasting your time. Gentlemen, the defenders of women, debonair husbands, soft courtiers, powdered blondes—and all those who are searching the town for a woman whose husband gives them easy access—tell everybody I'm a brute, a jealous husband. In the depth of my heart, I laugh at them.
Worthy Because you are jealous, does that mean you are prevented from having a tender and sensitive heart? Without being a little jealous one cannot be a lover. They say a jealous man who quarrels without cease is more a tyrant than a lover to a beautiful woman. Ceaselessly, agitated by fury or boredom, he takes pleasure in the malady of another. Insupportable to all, odious to himself, everybody to deceive him pretends to be extremely pleased, but wishes that it was permitted to smother him like a raging monster escaped from hell.—That's the way one ordinarily speaks in the world. But, for me, I take the contrary position, and say that it's a gallant man who shows so much love through his jealous transports and sees himself come to life when yielding to his penchant. In life, one spices up love with a little jealousy.
Albert Decidedly, you charm me with your wit, sir. I wish it were all written down to explain to sots who blame my manner.
Scratch Let us go in, sir. There, to satisfy you, I will write it all down without charge.
Albert (stopping him) I am much obliged to you—I will remember it well. I believe you have nothing more to say to me. There's your road, sir, good day. I retire. May heaven maintain you in these fine sentiments and not leave you in these parts for very long.
(Enter Jenny.)
Jenny Help, neighbors! What a terrible accident. What a sad adventure. Ah, heaven, is it possible? The poor Squire Albert—what will become of you? The blow is mortal. I cannot recall it.
Albert
What's happened?
Jenny
The most terrible disgrace.
Albert
But still, it's better to know what has happened.
Jenny
Arabella—
Worthy
Well, Arabella—?
Jenny
In this instant—quite suddenly—Arabella has gone mad.
Albert
Arabella is crazy?
Worthy
Ah, heaven.
Albert
This is unbelievable.
Jenny Ah, sir, this misfortune is only too true. When, by your express order, she had vowed to knit, this cursed locksmith came to irritate us. So she vowed that these bars and grills to which the locksmith condemns the window— At the same time, I swear her eyes rolled and her suddenly stricken spirit evaporated. She talks extravagantly. She runs, she creeps, she sings, she dances—she dresses, then she changes her clothes suddenly—with whatever happens to be at hand, just now, from your wardrobe, she took your large robe and skull-cap. Then, taking her guitar, she sings different tunes in strange jargon. In fact, she's a hundred times worse than I was able to explain. One can't help crying—and laughing, too.
Worthy
What do I hear? Just heaven.
Albert
What a deadly misfortune.
Jenny (to Albert, accusingly) You are the sole author of this sad misfortune. That's what comes of shutting a wench up.
Albert
Cursed precaution and unfortunate bars.
Jenny I intended to shut her in her chamber for a moment. It caused howlings hard to describe. She battered the wall with her head from rage. I said to open everything. No one can stop her. But, I see her coming. Alas, she changes her manner and dress every moment.
(Enter Arabella, dressed as Scaramouche with a guitar.)
Arabella (singing)
All night long,
A mean old tomcat
Sits watching me on the sly.
Oh, he's crazy.
Couldn't he just
Be made to break his neck?
Worthy
In spite of her illness, Scratch—what a—!
Scratch
I love her more this way than another who is quite sane.
Arabella (singing) Couldn't he just Be made to break his neck? (speaking) You're in the same line of work? Musicians, listen: I am as you, a musician. Vain, very spoiled—but I work for very little money. A child of do, re, me, fa,—and so on. I'm irritated. From one part of the world to the other, they speak of my talent. In a certain duo which I find excellent—'cause it's mine. I wish you'd both tell me frankly what you think of it.
Albert (alarmed)
Ah, my dear Jenny! She's lost her reason.
Jenny
Who knows better than I? Didn't I tell you so, didn't I tell you that?
(Arabella sings a little prelude.)
Scratch
I like that, sir. Her madness is a little racy.
Albert (concerned)
Her eyes are troubled, and her face is haggard.
Arabella (presenting her hand to Albert, then roughly pulling it away, while letting Worthy kiss the other) I love artists! Touch it! Touch it! The tune you will hear is in A minor. It's my favorite. Music is lively, bizarre, petulant, and very enjoyable. The movement is light, new, quick and forceful. It sent me looking, a few days ago to soothe the melancholy humor of a man confined to bed with paralysis for whom I sang a certain dance. Three wise doctors came to his house, the nurse, the patient, and an old apothecary who came to exercise his grave ministry without respect for his profession took me by the hand and danced till dawn.
Scratch (having conceived the idea for Worthy to grab Arabella's hand
and dance off with her)
Behold a faculty to dance in the round and exit this street all in
step. That'd be nice, sir.
Worthy
What, wretch, you can laugh, seeing her in this frightful disorder?
Arabella Wait, soft—my musical demon disturbs me, seizes me; I dithyramb. The hairs on my head stand up in horror. Don't bother the God that puts me in this fury. I feel that my excitement will reveal itself in tones. (tossing about and spitting in Albert's face) Pouah! I had a deity in my throat, or rather in the duo which is in question. You will see excitement best—and passion. I succeed better in the one and the other. Here's your part—and you, yours. (giving a paper with music to Albert and a letter to Worthy, then tosses about and prepares to sing)
Scratch
Let's stand back a bit. I'm afraid of the gods.
Jenny
We'll soon be having a fine chivaree.
Albert Arabella, my child, your error is extreme. I am Squire Albert, who cherishes you, who loves you—
Arabella
My God, you're going to sing!
Albert
Oh, very well. I will sing, and if it's your wish, I will dance, too.
Worthy (opening his paper)
A letter, Scratch.
Scratch
Ah heaven, what an adventure. The music maestro learns the scale.
Arabella There, mark your time—to take part, you start there. Quickly, come on—one, two, three. (beating time on Albert's head and stamping her feet angrily) Go, go, barbaric musician. Ignorant by nature. Leave off baaing. What raucous frog in the midst of his weedy pond gave you your first singing lesson? Do you give a concert or are you braying or croaking?
Albert I told you already, with no intent to annoy, I do not have the honor to be a musician.
Arabella Why then, stupid know-nothing, do you come to interrupt a concert when your very presence causes a bad turn of events and discord? Did one ever see a donkey try to play clarinet and mix his songs with those of the tender nightingale? Never did a black crow of ill omen trouble the strains of an agreeable warbler—and never in the woods did a sinister owl sing in concert. You are nothing but a sot and never will be anything else in your whole life.
Scratch
My master will sing his part nicely. I am his guarantee.
Arabella >From this night forth, he must demonstrate his knowledge in a serenade. He must make song, quick, lively, and tender—which will carry me off!
Jenny (to Scratch)
Do you understand?
Scratch
I begin to understand. It's what they call a fugue.
Arabella
Right.
Scratch A fugue—in music is a powerful morsel which costs a lot. (aside) We don't have much—
Arabella
We will take care of that. Let nothing else concern you.
Worthy You will see I am a good performer. And I know how to sing like an open book.
Arabella (leaving, singing)
An old tomcat—
Albert Jenny, follow her—see if it is possible to find some remedy for this terrible misfortune.
Jenny My poor mistress! Ah, my heart is so overcome. I believe that I am going to become mad, too.
(Arabella exits, followed by Jenny and Albert.)
Worthy (standing aside, opening the letter) They've gone in. Let's read. "You will be surprised by the part I am taking, but the slavery in which I find myself becomes harder each day, and I believe it permits me to dare anything. You, on your part, try to deliver me from the tyranny of a man I hate as much as I love you." What do you say, I beg you, about all you've seen of this madness?
Scratch I admire the resources of feminine wit when it is ignited by the imp of love.
Worthy Scratch, this night, without more delay, we must devise some brilliant scheme which will allow us to free her from such a hard yoke.
Scratch
You intend to carry her off?
Worthy
That would be the quickest and safest way.
Scratch
Agreed. But, doing you a good turn, I fear that—
Worthy
What do you fear?
Scratch
Justice. The law.
Worthy
We've got to marry her.
Scratch
That's understood. You will be married, and I will be hanged.
Worthy
I've got an idea for a plan—you know Lovelace?
Scratch
Certainly.
Worthy We can take refuge with such a friend. His country house is not far off. It's with Lovelace, that I intend to choose an exile in leaving these parts. There, braving the scorn and rage of the jealous would-be husband—we will prepare, in this place, and we will manage to marry, and make love—
(Enter Albert.)
Albert Oh, sir, forgive the boredom which possesses me; I came back to find some remedy. This is your man?
Worthy
Yes, he is.
Albert
Please tell him to employ himself in aiding me today.
Worthy
And what can he do for you? Speak!
Albert He deigned, earlier, to inform me of his medical knowledge. He has a thousand secret cures for many illnesses. Perhaps, he has one for weak-mindedness?
Scratch Yes, yes, I have more than one—of those salutary effects. But you treated me in a manner, rather—
Albert
Ah, sir—
Scratch
To refuse to give a chap the time of day—
Albert
Forgive my error.
Scratch
Nowhere in my life did anyone ever treat me so—not even in Barbary.
Albert (piteously) Oh, can you see a thing, so charming, put an end to her days, without giving aid? (to Worthy) Sir, speak for me.
Worthy Scratch, I beg you, try to cure the evil this pretty lady is suffering from.
Scratch For you, once again, I sacrifice my resentment. Yes, I will cure her— and radically.
Albert
What—you can—?
Scratch Go in. I am going to search my book for the most appropriate cure. You will soon see me in operation.
Albert I cannot express my feeling of obligation. May it be more safe than my fortune or my life.
(Exit Albert.)
Scratch
Go, I know nothing, and she won't be cured.
Worthy What made you say that? What happy fate made you become a physician in his eyes?
Scratch Word of honor, I know nothing about it. What I can tell you, is that as soon as I saw him, after he intercepted me, to disguise my plan and hide myself the better, I told him I was looking for some medicinal herbs hereabouts, and that I had admirable secret cures for all sorts of ills, and, in short, could cure, the incurable. And that's exactly how he made his mistake.
Worth We must profit by it now. In my heart, I feel the rebirth of hope and joy. Come, let's consider—and see by what means we can succeed in our noble project and bring forth your brilliant medicinal art and secret remedies.
Scratch Me? I'm ready for anything. But, it's useless to undertake a project without the first ingredient. We have no money. Who will give us any?
Worthy (showing the letter)
Love will provide for us.
Scratch Love will provide it? It seems as though billet douxs have become bills of exchanges. Strange.
CURTAIN