Y. Brownschweiger’s living room again. Granny Aunshitz in her arm-chair, troubled with a cough. Sallie dusting furniture. Looks out of window.
Sallie. Es shtupt en buggy for der deer. ( Looks again. ) Sis so gwiss der duckter and seller Shwinefelt widder. Wos for business hut seller karl do, wunner ich? Ich will hoffa see hen zunacht gessa. Ich will hite net noch mul kocha. Ich bin getired. ( Enter Shwinefelt and Dr. Fraud. )
Dr. Good evening, Miss Sallie! Is der dad net dahame?
( Shwinefelt nods, etc. )
Sallie. Yo, er is noch in der shire. Ich will em roofa. Nemmt eich sits. ( Exit. )
Dr. ( Loud. ) Wee mochts by eich ols, grosmommy?
Granny. Wos?
Dr. ( Louder. ) Wee mochts, etc., etc.
Granny. ( Coughing. ) O, orrig shlecht. Ich glaub os ich de ouszaring hob. Ich hob so en greislicher hushta! ( Enter Yokle. )
Dr. Yacub, wee gates!
Yokle. So, es mus gute sy!
Dr. ( Seats himself near Granny. ) Ich will eich ebbes zuwaig mocha dos der hushta gute mocht. ( Feels pulse and looks at watch. ) Seit so gute und shtate mol uf.
Granny. Hăh?
Dr. Shtate mol uf.
Granny. ( With difficulty rises. ) Wos no?
Dr. Ich will emol horicha wee eier lung shoft.
Granny. Yaw, dee shoft nix may!
( Dr. places ear first on one side of chest then on the other. Meanwhile Shwinefelt retires to one side of stage and converses with Yokle. )
Shwinefelt. ( To Yokle. ) Des is de besht business os du noch ny bisht. Ich bin sure os see in de Five Valley Co. gait. Der Dr. fixed de bobbeera all recht. Of course mir missa een bazawla. Er will $25 for des, ovver sell kenna mir awe afforda zu gevva! ( To Dr. ) Och, Dr., du brouchsht net so pertickler sy. Sell is shon long ganunk dorich dee motions gonga.
Dr. ( To Granny. ) Sell doots.
Granny. Wos?
Dr. Sell doots. Now kent der eich widder setza.
Granny. Denksht es wart now goot?
Dr. Ich will eich eppes gevva for dee levver. De levver shoft net.
Granny. Wos?
Dr. ( Louder. ) Ire levver shoft net recht.
Granny. Ferwas net? ( Enter Ike, listens. )
Dr. ( Loud. ) I, dee goll de shoft ivvershich, und won deer shnouft, no pressed der—der— diaphragm uf der duodenum und sell mocht eich shmertza in dee bronikle tubes. Fershtate deer?
Ike. ( Aside. ) Gott im himmel! Wos der Dr. net so feel wase!
Granny. O, yaw! Sell fershtain ich wohl!
Dr. Well, ( motions with fingers on palms, etc. ) now mist deer eppes hovva dos dorich der esophagus gait und dorich der pyloric orifice, no kommets in der duodenum, un shoft uf dee bronikles dorich dee pneumogastrie nerve. ( Spits and takes chew. )
Ike ( Aside. ) All mechtiger! Ich hob geglaubt sell letsht date 'n ferwariga!
Dr. ( Hunts in saddle-bags. ) Dorich dee pneumogastric nerve —und—und—gook! do is es! des is fom Brown sina mixtures.
Granny. Wos! ( Coughs. )
Dr. ( Yells in her ear ) Zway tayleffle full 4 mols dogs.
Granny. Feer tayleffle full zway mols dogs. Yaw well.
Dr. ( Louder. ) Nay, 2 taylefflle full 4 mols dogs!
Granny. Aw nochts?
Dr. Yaw, aw 4 mol nochts!
Granny. Won mer ovver shloft!
Dr. No nemmt mer’s yusht drey [3] mole.
Granny. Wos?
Dr. ( Louder. ) I no shloft mer!
Granny. O! Wos mainsht don for dem Awdorn tay for’s kolt.
Dr. Seller is aw goot.
Granny. Ich drink olly ovet en cuply foll. Derf ich grumbeera soop essa do dazu? ( Tastes medicine and sets it down. Ike sneaks up and tastes also, makes faces. )
Ike. ( Aside. ) Es shmokt graut os wee der tay! Phuy!
Dr. O, yaw! ( Yokle and Shwinefelt going through a dumb show as if conversing and figuring out a problem in arithmetic. )
Shwinefelt. Well, Dr., ich denk mer missa gay.
Ike. Duckter, mol do! Ich hob do so en wortzel. Waisht do wos forichy os es is! Ich glaub os des gute wair for der mawga. ( Aside. ) By sourkrout!
Dr. Wo husht’s grickt?
Ike. I, es woxt drous im bush. ( Dr. smells at it, looks at it, bites and tastes. )
Dr. Des is fon der wisa shlonga worzel.
Ike. ( Laughing and moving off. ) Ah, ha, ha, ha, ya, ha! Sis yo en gedarrter sei shwontz! He, ha, ya, ha, ho, ho, ho!—etc. ( Curtain descends. )